The Jordan Harbinger Show - 577: I Wish It Were Cheaper to Be My Sister’s Keeper | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: October 22, 2021

Your narcissistic sister with special needs thinks nothing of "borrowing" thousands of dollars from you to invest in every sure-to-lose scam that comes her way, and now she wants to "borrow" more to check herself into an assisted care facility (which would make your life easier if you knew that's where the money was actually going). What should you do? This and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/577 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Your narcissistic sister with special needs thinks nothing of "borrowing" thousands of dollars from you to invest in every scam that comes her way, and now she wants to "borrow" more to check herself into an assisted care facility. What should you do? [Thanks to cult and scam expert Dr. Steven Hassan for his help with this one!] You moved back home to accept what turned out to be a crummy job. The good news: your old, better-paying job in a city you actually like wants you back. The bad news: your girlfriend might not be able to make the move with you for a year and a half. Should you stay or should you go? Your brother and his wife are lazy, negligent parents to your nieces, aged four and six, allowing them free range of the neighborhood until 11 p.m. You fear for the children's safety, but you're not sure how to bring up solutions without starting a huge hullabaloo. You strive for excellence in all you do, but you want to do a lot. A wide range of hobbies keep you mentally stimulated, but you don't feel like you're able to focus on any one thing in order to excel. Is now the time to switch gears and leave some of your interests by the wayside to really shine at your career? Your little brother gets bad anxiety and overreacts to everything. You know that therapy could really improve his quality of life, but your mother is involved in politics and worries about what effect this would have on her image. How can you convince your parents to get your little brother therapy without it sounding like they're failing as parents? [Thanks to clinical psychologist Dr. Erin Margolis for helping us with this one!] Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy mad yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer Gabriel Mizrahi. And if you're watching us on YouTube today, today he looks like a TA who's about to get fired for doing cocaine with his students. Yeah, I definitely look like a guy who's on his 18th year

of working on his comparative literature, PhD. Or like philosophy. Yeah. I didn't shave. I just throw on the glasses today. Yeah. I'm definitely like the sketchy cool T.A. You want to hang out with it?

Yeah, or like that you buy drugs from, yes. And then don't invite to do them with you because you start talking about Nietzsche. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker, much like Gabriel's Philosophy 102 course, so you can get a much deeper understanding

of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind. So if you're new to the show on Fridays, we make fun of each other apparently and give advice to you and answer listener questions, the rest of the week we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks

from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. And this week, we had Benjamin Hardy on some psychology of positive thinking, but not in that corny-ass way that most people do it. He's really got some good practicals here. I always love having Benjamin on. His episodes are a few years ago we had him on and it was our most popular episode ever, which I didn't really see coming because he's not a celebrity. He just is a guy who resonated with a ton of people with his psychology. And we also had General Michael Hayden on the show. This is one from the vault.

This is about decision making, crisis leadership. I really enjoyed this conversation with him. This was really some insight. I mean, he was the head of the CIA and the head of the NSA. So this is a guy who is, yeah, full on deep state, basically. So make sure you've had a listen and a look to everything that we created for you here this week. All right, Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailback? Dear Jordan and Gabe, I have an older sister in her 70s who has MS, and it's progressed to the point that she requires a lot of care. She's also been, and currently is, the victim of multiple scams. She can't pay all of her expenses, which include hefty IRS and credit card debt, and she consistently reaches out to me for financial support. My parents have supported her for most of

her adult life, and my dad also left her a nice chunk of change, which she has blown on various scams and quote-unquote businesses, she started and walked away from. When I sold my mother's condo last year after her death and sent my sister her share, I pleaded with her to run any investment ideas by members of the family, several of whom understand sound investing. She agreed, then ignored us, and dove into her latest scam. She's also a textbook narcissist, complete with gaslighting skills, lying and self-serving manipulation. This morning she texted me to ask me to loan her $5,000 to move into an assisted living facility where she can get more help than at the boarding house where she currently resides. She has apparently forgotten the $10,000 I loaned her two months ago, which I am

still paying down on my credit card. I told her at the time that I would not be doing this again, and she's conveniently forgotten that as well. My plan is to tell her no, although I could help her if need be. I look back over my life with her and I feel used and sad. I don't have an issue with telling her no, as I know she'll be safe, but I'm worried about my feelings about myself and the thought of being a heartless sister. For those who don't really know her, it will seem like her stingy sister has turned her back on the poor handicapped senior. My niece and I talked to an attorney about getting a guardianship to take control of her money and we were told we had very little chance and would spend a fortune trying. We did find out the name of an assisted living facility that would provide

for her needs and switch her over to Medicaid when her money runs out as it will. Am I handling this correctly? Am I a monster for not giving my sister more money? And how do I manage this relationship going forward? Signed, my sister's keeper. Well, this is a super sad situation. It's, but mostly it's incredibly frustrating. Your sister, she's obviously vulnerable. She's in need of care and she deserves care. But she's also put herself in a far worse situation by falling for all these scams, ignoring your advice constantly, pushing you away. I'm assuming some of the scams she's getting caught up in our multi-level marketing or MLM, or maybe there's straight up fraud schemes. It's hard to tell from the letter, but either way, your sister is being reckless. She's essentially asking you to bail her out,

just like your parents probably always did, and now you're thinking of drawing a line, which on one level probably feels quite good. Stand up to her, stand up for yourself, but on another level, yeah, it feels kind of awful. You're being cruel to somebody that you have been taught to look out for your whole life. So there's a pattern there, right? And that's quite a conflict. But I love how clear you are on this. And I think your head and your heart are in the right place. So let's get into it. We wanted to get an expert opinion on your situation. So we reached out to Dr. Stephen Hassan. He's been on the show a bunch. He's a good friend of mine of ours at this point. Dr. Hassan is a mental health counselor who has been writing and talking about undue influence and cults for over 40 years.

he's the author of Freedom of Mind and Combating Cult Mind Control, both great books. He knows what he's talking about in this area. And Dr. Hassan's first recommendation was that your sister, she obviously needs care for her MS, but she also needs a professional evaluation for her state of mind, like a psych eval. And Dr. Hassan mentioned an organization called Jewish Family Services, which provides a ton of amazing services for people of all ages, including the elderly. They have experts who can do mental health evaluations, assess dementia, make recommendations for caregiving, and you don't need to be Jewish to ask them for help. They will apparently help

anybody. And there are tons of organizations out there just like it, by the way. So find one near your sister, see if they'll help facilitate. The AARP is also an awesome nonprofit that has resources for virtually everything. So check them out as well. This evaluation would be a good first step regardless of what you do, just so you have a solid picture of how your sister is doing, right? And if they find out that she's really far gone, then you'll have the amy you. to advocate for certain arrangements, like getting her into an assisted living facility or getting her psychiatric care or whatever it is. Beyond that, Dr. Hassan agreed that getting your sister into a facility or a boarding house, helping her get on Medicare, getting the treatment she needs,

that is definitely the right move. And it sounds like you're already on that, which is great. But let's talk about the million dollar question here. Do you cut your sister off? Well, in general, Dr. Hassan says he's almost never in favor of blankly cutting people off. He's of the opinion that you can usually be of more help by staying connected to somebody who's caught up in a scam or a cult or some other sketchy situation than you can by cutting them out of your life completely. And in principle, I agree with him. I take that route with politics.

I take that route with a lot of things in my own life. Dr. Hassan also pointed out that you can often assist people by making your support conditional upon their getting help. So, for example, you might say, I'd really like you to agree. to a mental health evaluation. And if you do that, then I'll help you sort out your bank account. Or I can stay on top of your doctors and subsidize your expenses, but you're going to have to move into this assisted living facility that I've found.

I know that feels a little quid pro quo, but given your sister's mental state and personality, that might honestly be the best way that you can help her. But if she refuses to cooperate or she continues to manipulate you or hurt you even when you help her, then yeah, you might need to draw a harder boundary. And that's where Dr. Hassan and I might disagree a tiny bit, because the truth is your sister, look, let's call it what it is. She is a problem. She's narcissistic. She lies. She gaslights. She's asking you for more and more money. She forks it over to the next scammer du jour. She refuses to accept your family's guidance

to get around that. Whether she's pathological or not, she's not treating you fairly. And she isn't making it easy for you to help her. Just one more reason to get a professional evaluation done, by the way. But to me, from where I'm sitting, this is a huge liability, a massive waste of time and money and energy altogether. And if this were my sister, I'm almost certainly cutting her off financially as difficult as that is. That doesn't mean you have to stop talking to her. That doesn't mean you can't help her navigate her medical decisions or arrange her living situation. And if there's really no one else who can do that for her, then maybe you should. But I would not hand over any more money to this person. I just do not see how that's helping her or being fair to yourself for that

matter. I agree 100% Jordan. This sister, again, super sad. She's a lost cause, financially speaking, and maybe even emotionally too, because I don't sense that this relationship is all that fair or fulfilling to either of them. But I can see why this is so hard for her to do. She feels used. She feels sad. And even though she knows her sister will ultimately be okay without the money, she's also worried about what kind of sister she would be if she cuts her off for good. And I get that conflict. It is a huge conflict. And it just, that conflict says so much about their relationship, doesn't it? It just it sounds to me like the whole family has been kind of colluding with sisters bullshit for decades, probably. They were, I mean, they always supported her no matter what. And now that the woman

writing in is trying to draw a line in the sand, even though that's totally legit. And it's clearly the right thing to do. That feels like a betrayal. And it is a bit of a bit of a bit of a betrayal. It's a betrayal of the super dysfunctional agreement that they all have with this sister. It is very scary to stand up to somebody who's taken advantage of you for your whole life. It is probably even sadder to withdraw support from somebody who's obviously very vulnerable. But the fact that it feels so dangerous to her, I think that's actually a sign that this woman is on the right track because the opposite of, you know, quote unquote dangerous would be perpetuating the same relationship that's making her feel so used and sad,

and that got them into this mess in the first place. But this fear of being thought of as a heartless sister by other people, that's part of this template too, because wrapped up in this sister relationship is also an expectation that other people, mom and dad, sounds like for sure, and then probably everybody else who's involved in this situation, family, friends, doctors, they visit, attorneys, they consult,

just random people they interact with when they have to take care of their business, an expectation that all of those people should see her as the quote unquote good sister too. And so I guess my question for you is what does it mean to be a quote unquote good sister? Does it mean writing your sister a check every time she asks you for money when you know she's just going to turn around and sink it into some weight loss MLM or does it mean helping her sort out her Medicare, finding her a nice place to live, protecting her finances, even if that pisses are off sometimes. And at the same time, what does it mean to you to be a bad sister? I mean, does it mean protecting your finances and honoring your integrity by saying no to somebody

who's clearly manipulating you? Or does it mean playing along even when it makes you feel terrible and you know that the money is just going to go to waste? And also, why do other people's opinions about you matter so much in the first place? Those are the questions that I would be asking yourself right now because, look, candidly, it might seem to some people from the outside that her stingy sister has turned her back on the poor handicapped senior, to use your words. But A, you know that's not the real story. And B, refusing to give your sister money doesn't mean you're not helping her. It means you're looking out for her. It means you're looking out for yourself. And it means you're just being responsible. And you can still support her emotionally and logistically, even if you're not, you know,

covering her losses on an essential oils pyramid scheme that she's fallen for for the third time. Yeah, agreed, Gabe. This is where we're in 100% agreement with Dr. Hassan, that you can and probably should still stay connected to your sister, but in a way that is safe and fair to everyone involved. We're going to link to a bunch of resources for you in the show notes, including a great talk Dr. Hassan recently gave on MLM recruitment and maintenance techniques, as well as the AARP Scams and Frauds Division. The AARP also has a fraud watch network. There's a fraud expert there. His name is Doug Shaddle.

He's a top expert on how frauds and scams affect the elderly specifically, so check out his work. And by the way, as far as loaning money to people goes, Dr. Hassan also recommends putting all loans to loved ones in writing. This is useful for anyone listening right now. You know, like, you write it down. I'm loaning you $10,000 on May 6, 2021 to cover your assisted living facility dues to be paid back by November 1, 2021. Or I'm gifting you $10,000 one time on December 18th for medical expenses, that kind of thing. Dr. Hassan recommends having the other person sign that record, so it's on the books. And then when they forget that they owe you money, you can bust out that paper.

Like, here it is, remember? And that avoids some of the drama of people pretending. you gifted them the money when it was alone, or claiming you never gave them anything at all, or misusing the funds, or assuming that you'll continue supporting them like your sister is obviously doing now, as Dr. Hassan puts it to us, people who have problems, they need reality testing. And a record is the best way to confirm reality. And I know you've already handed the money over, so that ship has already sailed, obviously, but I just want to mention this advice for anyone else listening right now who's thinking of loaning money to somebody in the future.

and this is key. I know how hard this situation must be for you, but I think you have the right lens on it. If you can find ways to support your sister without compromising yourself, then you're on the right track. Good luck. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job easier. Tell us where you live, can help us give you detailed advice. If there's something you're going through any big decision that you are wrestling with, or you need a new perspective on life, love, work, what to do if you're in love with a married one. That was quite a situation last week as well, Gabe. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday at Jordanharbinger.com.

We're here to help. We keep every email anonymous. You're listening to Feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger show. We'll be right back. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and or services? You can always visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now back to Feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show. All right. Next up. Hey Jordan and Gabe. At the beginning of the pandemic, I left my job and moved from the Rockies back to my hometown in the prairies to take a new job as a specialized electrician. Now that I've settled here, though, things aren't working out as planned.

This company assured me a 40 hour a week role, job security, a vehicle, and paid training. None of that has happened, and my hours have been reduced indefinitely as they don't have any work right now. I now have the opportunity to go back out west with my old company, which has monopolized the region and has tons of work. Overall, I was much happier with my life out west. The thing is, the day I moved back, I bumped into my high school sweetheart, and we've been together every day since. It's the healthiest and happiest relationship, I can imagine. She's awaiting her M-Cat results and hoping to get into a medical school out west so we can both move, but that might take up to a year and a half. My life, quite honestly, sucks here. She's the only highlight, and I hate that I am largely

dependent on her to feel any happiness. She's my best friend, and I definitely want to spend the rest of my life with her. What should I do? Move west and hope she gets accepted to an MD program and follows me out, or stay here and continue to be depressed, and have a less than ideal work situation. Signed, caught between the Rockies and a flat place. Ah, yes, a man stuck between love and profit, A tale as old as time. Song as old as rhyme, stuck in the Midwest. Sorry. Well, we don't know if he's in the Midwest, but sorry you're in this position, but I know it sucks.

But in a way, this is a really high class problem, right? To have to choose between tons of work and the love of your life. If you were working steadily but you were single, you'd be sad that you were alone. And if you were in love but you're unemployed, you'd be frustrated with your career. So I know that doesn't make this choice any easier, but I do think it's worth just taking a moment to appreciate how fortunate you are to have these two parts of your life. in place. So bottom line, you're going to have to make a choice. Either way, that choice is going to have an opportunity cost. I know that sucks. Them's the rules of life. If you move back west, you have to

sacrifice time with your girlfriend. And if you stay, you'll have to give up steady work. And it sounds to me like both of these opportunities are very important to you, but at the end of the day, for you right now, at this stage of your life, given your goals, which one did you say is more important? Which one is creating the life that you want for the next five, 10, 20 years? Which one deserves your priority right now. And I wish I could answer that for you. Only you can answer that, but I will share a couple of things that might help. First of all, moving back west doesn't mean breaking up with your girlfriend. If you guys really are in love, if you guys are truly each other's people, which it sounds like you are, then spending a year apart, it's not the end of the world. It does suck and it will

be frustrating sometimes, but it doesn't have to be a relationship killer. She's working on making her way out there. It's very possible she can go to school out west, get a job out west, whatever it is. Maybe you guys do the long distance thing for a while, if you have to. You get your career back on track. She figures out medical school. You guys take turns visiting each other once a month, twice a month. What do I know? And the next year, year and a half, that's just this weird transition period of your lives

together and it's in the past. And I've talked about this on the show before. Jen and I did this when we were dating. It was not ideal. We were a lot closer, by the way. We were like an hour flight away. I had to spend a few grand on flights to visit her in hotels and back and forth. But honestly, we loved each other.

We knew we wanted to be together, so it was pretty simple. And that's just what we had to do until we could be in the same city again. It was just money well spent. And in a weird way, you might find this time apart. It's kind of romantic in its own way because you have to make the extra effort to call and face time and write emails and stay connected and just missing each other. Even that's exciting in its own way. And then when you do see each other in person, it's more meaningful.

It's a lot more fun. It's kind of like everything bolded, highlight italics. Point is, being apart might not be this terrible thing you think it's going to be if you guys find a way to stay connected, which I bet you will. And if there's light at the end of the tunnel, it's not like, we're long distance for the next 10 years. You know, that's hard. Long distance for a year with a due date, that's a lot easier. The other thing I'll say is that there's a good practical reason to prioritize your career right now. In my opinion, I assume you'll need income.

You need a path in life. And if you continue stagnating out in the prairies, that could set you back for. a while. And that could make it hard to provide when you guys do settle down, especially if your girlfriend is in med school for another four plus years, not making any money, maybe dealing with student loan debt. I know that's very common. So you're not just chasing work for yourself. You're chasing it for both of you. So you have to factor that in as well. So I know I said I can't tell you what to do, but I am sort of leaning toward you taking the job or getting creative and scrounging up some work in your area for the next year or so to keep you going. Whatever you decide, the only way to deal

with the opportunity cost is, you get super clear on what's important to you and accept that life comes with tradeoffs, or you find a way to lower that opportunity cost or create new opportunities out of it. So, for example, you take the job out West, I would create new rituals to stay close with your girlfriend. Use this time apart to deepen your relationship in other ways. Plan fun weekend trips once a month, so you get to have new experiences together, that kind of thing. And at the same time, I would use the uninterrupted time you have out west to really invest in yourself and your career so that when you guys are back in the same city, you'll have a great professional foundation in place and maybe that'll free up even more time to spend with her down the road.

That's how you can turn a crappy situation into a productive one. If you roll with it, adapt, and put in the work to make the most of it. So congrats, man, on finding the love of your life. I know that's a tough call, but remember that one day soon, this chapter, it's going to be a footnote in your amazing relationship. So good luck. By the way, if you're joining us for the first time or you're looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the show,

our episode starter packs are the way to do it. They're collections of your favorite episodes organized by popular topic that'll help new listeners get a taste of everything that we do here on the show. Just visit jordanharbinger.com slash start to get started. All right, what's next? Hey, guys. My brother and his wife are negligent parents to their children,

but not negligent enough that child protective services would take the kids. For example, he lets his girls, ages 4 and 6, have free range of their entire neighborhood. He doesn't check whose houses they go to, and he even lets them stay out until 11 p.m. My brother and his wife are very lazy, which is why they're so negligent. They blame it on being overweight, but I know a lot of overweight people who are great parents. Anytime the topic of parenting comes up, they become very defensive and close-minded. I genuinely fear for the kid's safety and would love to have them live with my family, or for my brother and sister-in-law, to see how dangerous the situation actually is.

How can I broach this conversation so that it's well received? Signed, summoning the gall to deliver a wake-up call without starting a huge brawl. Oof, another tough situation. I totally get why you feel the need to intervene with your brother here. This is potentially scary stuff. Their parenting is just absolutely negligent. It's neglectful. It's probably going to have an emotional as well as a practical impact on how their kids turn out.

Even if nothing truly terrible ends up happening. but the problem is it's incredibly hard to criticize somebody, a family member no less, about their parenting. But when that parenting also hooks into something as sensitive as being overweight, yeah, that's a sticky wicket. If they're going to be able to hear this feedback, you're going to have to make them see the situation clearly without them getting emotional and defensive,

which is not going to be easy. So here's what I'd do. I'd sit down with your brother one day, and I might do this one-on-one without his wife, at least at first, since I'm guessing you're closer with him and tell him what you're noticing. And I would start by acknowledging him for all of the good parenting you see him doing. There must be some things he does well, whether it's keeping a nice home or making dinner

or being kind to his kids when they are around. I realize that is absolutely table stakes as a parent. He's not winning any frigging awards for that, but we're trying to lower his guard here a little bit. And then I'd say that you want to share something with him. But you want him to know that it's coming from a place of total love and concern and not judgment or criticism. them. Then I would tell them what you're noticing.

The letting the kids roam the neighborhood, not checking whose houses they go to, letting them stay up super late. Tell them why that makes you concerned what you're afraid could happen and tell him that as his sister, you're a little worried about the effects that parenting might have on them, namely growing up with parents who don't seem to care about them, who aren't offering them some structure and guidance. Then draw him out. Make it a conversation.

Ask him if he sees where you're coming from and if he doesn't, why? if he brushes you off or gets defensive, and it sounds like he might do that, try not to escalate things. Maybe you can shift your approach by making it less about him than about his kids. Something like, let's just imagine for a second what this is like for Katie and Madeline. Imagine being four and six and feeling like your parents don't care where you are at 11 p.m. Do you think that's a good feeling for them to grow up with? That kind of thing, right? It could be pretty hard for him to argue with that, but he might. In which case, you might have to appeal to his fear by imagining, frankly, the worst-case

scenario. Maybe you ask him, do you know where Katie and Maddie are right now? Do you know what kind of people are at their friend's houses? What happens if she ends up in some creep's house and he does something bad to her? I realize this is a little alarmist here, but we all know this stuff happens. It happens all the time and maybe forcing him to realize that this is a real possibility for his kids. Maybe that's what he needs to wake up here. Yeah, I agree. Sadly, I think it might actually take something that frightening for him to really get it. It feels like he's in his own little reality or he's just in total denial. Like, that happens to other people. It doesn't happen to my kids. I wouldn't happen to my children. I'm such a good, you know, I'm a good guy. But it's like, yo, when you're

that kind of parent, that's when it happens. Totally. But even when you have this conversation with him, I would keep being supportive with your brother. If you manage to get through to him, if you strike a cord with him, which I hope you do, he might be overcome with shame or sadness or anxiety about the way he's been parenting. In fact, him being so close-minded, as you put it, that is probably a preemptive defense against those exact feelings. So I would keep reminding him that he can be a great father, that you see him being a great father in certain moments, that you want to see him and his wife succeed his parents, you know, that you'll do everything you can to help them. It sounds to me like he could really use your guidance, so you really want to make sure that he feels safe

opening up to you rather than judged for his failures. And if things don't get better, if he doesn't realize the position he's putting his children in and start keeping a better eye on them, then really the best thing you can do is stay close with your nephew and niece. You know, with a childhood like this, they're going to need a good aunt looking out for them. That's you. I can almost promise you that having neglectful parents that will inform their lives in some way. It's not your job to parent these kids. You can't keep tabs on them every second of the day, although I totally get what you want to. But even if they can't actually live under your roof, they can still benefit from your friendship, your relationship, your care. So call them,

come by and visit, you know, take them out for ice cream, ask them how you're doing, you know, what's going on? How's school? How are your friends? How are your hobbies? What are you up to? That could go a very long way in reducing the damage of your brother and his wife's parenting. And if those kids ever do need help, I bet that you would be the first person that they call. Yeah, I agree. This is just such a hard place to be as an aunt, because the risk isn't necessarily immediate or concrete enough to justify a huge intervention, but it's also not minor enough to just ignore. But I think to your point, that's why she also needs to recognize the limits of her responsibility here, as painful as that'll be sometimes.

I hope you can help your brother see what's going on here before it's too late. Good luck with that as well. And Gabriel, this reminds me of the episode we did with Bobby Hall, aka Logic, episode 5,63. His parents were the worst. And he basically raised himself, not healthy at all. It's a miracle he's not dead or in jail. And it's a really interesting episode with a great artist who won the lottery

in terms of not being a total screw up. That's episode 5,63. And remember, if you want to navigate on the web to an episode of the show, just go to Jordan Harbinger.com and then the episode number. So Jordan Harbinger.com slash 563 will take you to that episode on the web as well. This is the Jordan Harbinger show and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back back. And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

All right. Next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm somebody who strives for excellence in all that I do. My problem is that I want to do a lot. I'm 25 years old and a developer by trade, but I've always had a wide range of hobbies. I've always loved writing and I've written a novel a year for the past few years. I also love learning new languages and I'm about to take a proficiency test for my fifth language. The thing is, I'm now beginning to see my peers surpass me in a lot of areas and I'm not where I feel I could be in my software career.

A coworker I'm close with even recently remarked that I'm a great programmer, but I could be an amazing one if I focused on it more. Not to mention the fact that my writing skills are far behind those of my writer friends. but between starting my current job, maintaining my network, staying healthy, and growing my skill set by taking on side projects, I've had even less time than I used to. Is now the time to switch gears and leave some of my interests by the wayside to focus on my career? Do I have to focus on a handful of things to be really successful, or can I really do it all? Signed, a jack-of-all-trades with talent in spades, afraid of being dismayed. Great question. This is something everyone deals with to some degree, but it's extra

challenging for people who are super curious and good at lots of different things. And that sounds like you, so I can see why it's a bit of a conundrum. The short answer is that, yes, I do think you have to focus on a handful of things to be exceptional at them. At least that's what I've found. I know most experts agree. Becoming truly excellent at something, it takes a long-ass time. And if you're also trying to become excellent at three, four, or five other things, it's unlikely that you're going to become a true master in any one area, unless you're just insanely talented, innately, or you sleep four hours a night or you're like Bradley Cooper and Limitless Popping Illegal Neutropics from Serbia or whatever the hell that was, right, which I don't recommend. That usually doesn't turn

out too well, been there, done that, got kidnapped. Focus. That's really the secret. For me, that meant whittling my life down to a handful of things. I, A, really love doing, and B, want to become great at, and C, can make the greatest impact doing. So becoming the best possible host of a podcast, this interview show right here, building my business, being a great partner and father, those are my things. And every year I turn down a bunch of opportunities that are not part of my core competency or would distract from my other priorities, whether it's writing a book or doing live events or starting a new business or going on a lecture series or whatever it is. I might revisit those in the future, but I deliberately take them off my plate now.

And that frees me up to do my focused, high-quality work on the things that I care about the most. re-evaluate what that is every single year. And people go, you're leaving money on the table and say, I know. But I'm also retaining sanity, right, and becoming better every year instead of being stretched thin and freaking out. Now that said, there are some caveats to this. If you just want to do something for fun, like I do video game voiceovers and stuff, I think it's okay to spread yourself a little thin in that area. Maybe writing is like that for you. If you're not trying to be friggin' Stephen King, then you don't have the same pressure to focus as intensely on your novels. Same with languages. If you're not trying to become a UN translator or whatever, interpreter, then you can just

do duolingo, get some coaching online, have some Skype combos, do conversation meetups for fun. So a lot of this is about your relationship to these hobbies, although they'd still be taking time away from the goals you do want to prioritize and won't probably damage, put too much of a ding in it. The other caveat is that there are people out there who manage to succeed at a high level in multiple different fields at once. I know a few people like this. They always amaze me. Some of them are on the show, right? But what I've noticed about them is two things. First, they are insanely disciplined. I'm talking calendar planned out from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. or earlier, blocks carved out for different projects, every meal and phone call and workout scheduled down to the

minute. Detailed project management. Systems and habits set up to get stuff done. Bam, bam, bam, that's the only way that they can juggle so many things at once and actually do them well. And when you talk to people who are like rappers and also movie stars, they're not making an album at the same time they're filming Fast and Furious Nine. The other thing about these people in my experience anyway is that they tend to gravitate more to a managerial role. You know, they weigh in on other people's work at a higher level, oversee projects, make the trains run on time.

They're usually the conductor, not necessarily the musician a lot of the time, unless they're creator, of course. And I think that's because it's extremely hard to be a great technician on multiple things, to build an app and write a novel and translate a book and so on, whereas being at the management layer, that is much more doable. You can jump from thing to thing if you have people doing a lot of the heavy lifting for you, like CEOs, for example. But these people, they tend to view their careers more as a wide-ranging portfolio to manage than as a deep project to execute. But that's because that's where their talent lies. That's where they get their fulfillment up at that managerial level. So my advice to you is this. First, figure out what truly

lights you up, what you can imagine becoming amazing at, and put that in pole position in your life. If you don't know what that is, then you have more exploring to do, which is totally normal, especially at your age. You might find that you're spreading yourself thin, not just because you're super curious, but because you don't know what you really care about yet. And that's okay too. But as you learn more about yourself and get a little bit older, you'll start to figure out what really needs your time and attention. And second, I would start figuring out what relationship you want to have with your interests. If you want to become a master, then you'll eventually need to focus on one or two things. But if you want to play with different hobbies and be a bit of a dilettante,

which is totally fair, then there's less pressure. I'm not trying to be the video game voiceover guy number one in the industry. I'm grateful to get one game a year. That's fine. Regardless of the details, though, there's always going to be some element of focus in a great career. At some point, you will have to go deep in order to get great, even if you also go wide. Honorable mention here is skill stacking. We've talked about this before with Scott Adams on the show, so I won't belabor the point too much, but the gist is that it is much easier to become, let's say, top 10 or 20% in two or three areas instead of top 1 to 2% in one area.

So I don't have to be the best interviewer on the planet. But if I'm top 10% and I'm also a top 10% podcast marketer and a decent slash passable manager and business owner, then I'm one in a handful of people in the world who are able to combine those skills at that level resulting in a lot of success in the industry and economically. And I want to clarify that because I don't want people to think that they have to drop everything and be the best in the world at one thing.

Become A minus B plus level at two or three or four. things, ideally things that can stack together, and the rest can just be hobbies, and that's okay. All right, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, my little brother is 10, and my parents divorced right after he was born. My parents still get along and make it work for us, so things aren't too bad. But I worry about my little brother. He gets bad anxiety and overreacts to everything. Once the fire alarm went off because it needed new batteries and he started to freak out and cry

on the floor, then proceed to say that we were going to die even after we explained. to him what happened. He is also super attached emotionally to our dog. If he doesn't see the dog every five minutes, he panics and won't stop until he locates it. He also avoids interacting or joining his longtime friends when they play. No matter how hard we push him, he gets awkward and sometimes mean because he tries to overcompensate for being so awkward. Every time I try to communicate my concerns and encourage my parents to send my brother to therapy, they brush me off. My dad says he's good with therapy, but it's up to my mom. Then when I ask my mom, she always gives me excuses. She's in politics, and she's really big on her image, and I think she believes that if he gets help,

people will view us as unstable. I've tried so hard to explain that therapy is not a bad thing, that this is something every person could benefit from, that it doesn't mean you fail as a parent. He just needs a little more help for his anxiety. No matter what I tell her, though, she says, maybe not now, our schedule's busy, I'll just try later, or he won't want to do it and he doesn't needed anyway. How can I convince my parents to get my little brother therapy without it sounding like they failed as parents? Signed, battling the chiefs to get my brother relief. This one makes me a little sad, Gabe. We do have a real siblings looking out for siblings theme here today, though. Oh yeah, good point. This is a good question. Your brother is clearly wrestling with some stuff,

some pretty intense anxiety. I mean, it sounds kind of terrifying, actually, for him. It would be great if he could talk to somebody. He needs to talk to somebody. And we wanted, of course, to get an expert opinion on this. And so we reached out to the one and only Dr. Aaron Margolis, clinical psychologist and friend of the show. And Dr. Margolis confirmed that your brother is definitely going through it right now. It sounds like he doesn't feel very safe in general, which explains the fire alarm freak out and why he's so attached to the dog. He probably feels like he needs more security, control, consistency in his life. And the problem, though, is that he's a minor. So you can't just throw him into therapy without your parents' involvement and consent. So Dr. Margolis's idea,

was to figure out how to talk to mom about all of this in a way that she can really hear. It sounds like she's threatened by the idea of therapy. Maybe it's an image thing or a scheduling thing, but I honestly doubt that's the full story. Dr. Margolis pointed out she might be afraid that your brother will actually reveal something about her in therapy or about the family. And that is what is so threatening, which is a great point and a little disturbing, not like something, it doesn't have to be super horrible what he reveals, but it could just be like, oh, my mom's always busy and never pays attention to me.

Like, it could reflect on her and she knows that that's coming and feels guilty about it. Whatever it is, I would try to talk to your mom and try to get her to articulate why she is so resistant to therapy. She's probably not going to come right out and tell you like, I think Cody's going to tell the shrink I'm a monster and I'm never home and I always leave him alone and never show up to pick him up from school, whatever. But she might say something like, well, I don't trust therapists. Or I don't want some therapist giving Cody the wrong ideas or something like that, right?

You can ask her some more questions, draw her out, maybe get her to recognize that the fear she has about therapy might not be realistic or valid, or at least that they shouldn't stop her from getting her brother the help that he needs. Dr. Margolis's insight was to approach your mom with curiosity first and then go from there. Gabe, it's funny, mom is really the one who should be in therapy right now from the sound of it. I was going to say the exact same thing, yes. Yeah, she's got some work to do, man.

But sadly, I don't see city councilwoman who, one, thinks shrinks are the devil and two, look, I don't mean to insult somebody's mom, but it sounds like maybe she has a little bit of an inflated sense of how important she is to the world at large. I don't see her getting on the couch anytime soon. No, I don't see that happening anytime soon either, but if your mom absolutely refuses to take your brother to see somebody, then I would explore some other options. One idea Dr. Margle has had was to encourage your brother to talk to a school counselor in the meantime. Maybe that'll be a little less threatening to your mom, so he could maybe just go during his lunch hour and talk to whoever's on staff at school. And maybe that could be his

entree into therapy down the road. Your other option here is to get your dad more involved in this conversation. It sounds like he is more open to therapy, but it also sounds like, I don't know, I'm getting the sense sure and then maybe he's a little checked out or he's just kind of backing down, letting mom run the show. But if your dad is actually worried about your brother, maybe he can lean on your mom privately, get her to come around. Personally, I'm a big fan of this option because he does seem to be an ally and she might be more willing to listen to her husband than her daughter in this situation. Also, what does your brother want to do? Does he want to go to therapy or is this just your idea? I'm wondering if your mom would have a different response if this came from him directly rather

than through you. She might still brush your brother off, but it'll be much harder to ignore if your brother's like, mom, I am freaking out. Like I am constantly afraid. I feel like everyone's going to die. I feel like you're going to die. I need help. You know, so maybe talk to your brother, help him articulate how he's feeling to your parents. Maybe they'll hear it differently from him. But if you do all of those things and you still can't get your parents to help, then sadly you might have to let this go for a few years. Your brother, he is a minor. There's only so much you can do. Wait till he's 18 and then definitely encourage him to go see somebody on his own. But in the meantime, keep being a great sibling to him. It sounds like you are. Be supportive, be present, be loving.

Based on how you're describing your parents, I'm not convinced that he's getting a ton of love invalidation at home, besides the dog, of course. So you're probably his best bet there. All that said, at the same time, I would also be aware of the role that you're playing for your brother. It isn't the healthiest thing in the world to be in this parenting role for him as a sibling either. That could lead to some complicated experiences for you, resenting your parents, having your own mental health challenges, being a little confused about your role in the family. It's very common with siblings who look out for other siblings when parents are neglectful or just not fully in the picture. So just keep an eye on that and maybe talk to your therapist about how to maintain that balance for yourself and make sure that that role doesn't get too fuzzy, too complex.

Yeah, good point, Gabe. It is really sweet that she wants to help her brother, but she also can't be the parent he needs just because their parents are frigging out or withholding or whatever. So talk to mom and dad, get creative. And if all else fails, just be a friend to your brother and then buy him a better help gift card on his 18th birthday. No. Seriously, though, I'm worried for this kid. He's 10 and he's having, issues like, I've never even heard of anxiety that strong really in a child, right? I'm sure it exists. I'm not a therapist, but that's severe. And if he waits eight years to get help for this, it could take forever to repair the damage. And then he's missing out on the best part of childhood in the meantime, right?

Like that self-actualizing sort of like teenager. I mean, all of that spent freaking out over fire alarms and car horns and can't find the dog. I mean, geez, man. He's going in the world not one down, but several down, right? It's just a huge disadvantage. I wonder if the brother could approach the school and tell them what's going on and then have the counselors seek out the child during school hours. That's got to be a thing, right?

That could maybe get him some of the help that he needs under the radar a little bit before mom can put her image and ego before her child yet again, right? Because if he's getting it at school, it's kind of like, oh, nobody really needs to know in the beginning. And then maybe it helps and then maybe everybody gets on board, right? So, I don't know. I feel for this kid. Hope y'all enjoyed that.

I want to thank everyone who wrote. in this week and everyone who listened. Thank you all so much. Go back and check out Benjamin Hardy and General Hayden, if you haven't yet. If you want to know how I managed to book all these amazing people on the show, it's because of my network. I'm teaching you how to build your network for free over on our six-minute networking course. Again, that's on the think-ific platform. You can find it at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. The drills take a few minutes a day. That's why it's called six-minute networking. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. Again, all for free, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Show notes at Jordan Harbinger.

Transcripts in the show notes. Video of our feedback Fridays go up on our YouTube channels occasionally. Jordan Harbinger.com slash YouTube. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter, Instagram. You can also hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter

at Gabe Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with podcast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, J. Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard. And of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own.

I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer, so do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Dr. Margolis's input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Ditto for Dr. Hassan. Remember, we rise by lifting others.

Share the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger show about how you can be affected by ransomware and cyber attacks on the rise now all over the world. We still don't know just how deep the Russians are into our government systems. So it's going to be at least a year or more before we can stand up and confidently say we've eradicated Russian hackers from nuclear labs, the Department of Homeland Security, the Treasury, the Justice Department.

How do you trust that any of the software you're using is secure and not a Russian Trojan horse? We live in the glaciest of glass houses. That makes escalation, you know, that much more of a risk. We're getting close enough that I think we're going to see a cyber attack within the next four years, even, that causes substantial loss of life. For more with Nicole Pearl Roth on what the U.S. should do to push back against cyber warfare, check out episode 542 on the Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by What Was That Like Podcast? If you're looking for a new show to add to your rotation, something that'll make you stop mid-dishwashing and go, wait, what that actually happened?

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