The Jordan Harbinger Show - 586: Guarding Grandpa from a Grubby Grift | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

Your grandpa is allowed to cope with the grief of recently losing your grandma in any way he sees fit, but you're concerned that the young woman he's about to marry is part of a larger plot to grift him out of his life savings. What can you do to protect him? This and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/586 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: How can you guard your grandpa against what seems to be a classic young woman marrying an older man for his life savings grift? [Once again, thanks to Corbin Payne (aka C-Payne) for helping us with this one!] You've caught wind that your father is preparing to file for a divorce from your mother, but you're not sure if she even knows yet. What's the best way to be supportive of her if this comes to pass? You've only been working for your "real" employer for a month, but your side hustle is far more profitable, enjoyable, and fulfilling. So how do you jettison the day job so soon after accepting it without feeling like a jerk? You've been out of the dating scene for a while and the whole thing can tug at your insecurities, but how do you avoid sabotaging a new relationship with your tendency to be too clingy? Since you were bullied early on, you've never really been the "school" type, but you know getting a higher education gives your future path a wider set of options. How can you summon the motivation to go back to school? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course! Like this show? Please leave us a review here -- even one sentence helps! Consider leaving your Twitter handle so we...See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, The Dash of AlmondMilk and our weekly advice, Michael Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills are the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how amazing people think and behave, and our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a deep, understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind. If you're new to this show on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks, spies, CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, performers. This week, we had Anderson Cooper on his career path on the current state of the media. Interesting guy, really interesting guy, even if you don't agree with his politics, and a lot of you don't, I'm sure. We also had Tim Snyder on the road to tyranny and authoritarianism. It can happen here is one of the messages

that he wants to get across. And he outlines some of how this has happened elsewhere in other countries and other points in time and what to look out for in a way that's not as depressing as it might sound. I also write every so often on the blog my latest post, looking back on the worst chapter of my life four years on. This piece is all about the insights and the lessons that I learned when I had to leave my old company and rebuild the show that you're listening to right now. from scratch. It's all about how to use the skills and relationships and other assets at your disposal, how to survive a huge professional blow and come out even stronger. It was very cathartic for me to write this piece, but I really also tried to extract general principles for anyone

who's feeling lost or struggling or navigating a major change, personal or professional. So check that out. You can find that article in all of our articles, by the way, at jordanharbinger.com slash articles. So make sure you've had a look and to listen to everything we created for you here this week. Now, we got a funny email from a listener this week. Gabe, you want to share this with us? Sure. Yeah, so somebody wrote in and he wrote,

I'm sure you get tons of mail and may not remember me, but I messaged you on Facebook earlier this year because my autistic son decided to whisper in my ear a line that he had heard from one of your feedback Friday episodes. The line was, don't eat the fucking banana bread. Which, as a parent, you're supposed to teach your kids not to swear, but damn it all the hell. That was the funniest thing he said by a long shot. It's to the point where if I have to tell him not to do something, he asks me to say it like

Jordan Harbinger and I have to drop the F-bomb and we laugh. Great. So that's the sort of difference you're making in people's lives. Great. We taught an autistic child to drop F-bombs. Improving the world one child at a time, Gabe. That's what we're doing over here. Changing lives. Unbelievable. Yeah, say it like Jordan Harbinger and that means dropping an F-bomb in the middle of a sentence where it's inappropriate to do so. Great. And it could have been any line from any feedback Friday, and it was that one. That's a good reminder. It's a classic. I guess so. God knows what context I would have said, don't eat the fucking banana bread. Here's my guess. This is I have a theory. I think it was on an episode where you were talking about like people going to a recruiting

event or something or being around hiring managers and they serve something at the event and you're like, don't eat the fucking banana bread, bro. Yeah, who knows. Don't go near the food. I think that's what it was. But I don't know for sure because I think it might have been before my time even. Maybe. It's like when you go to one of those open houses and they have cupcakes and cookies and it's like, Jen, when we were house shopping, we'd go in and there'd be all these like gross, you know, day old or two day old, say, maybe even longer old safe way cupcakes that look like dry and crusty and the cookies just look disgusting. And then that like cheap plastic container. And I go straight for it and Jen's like, don't do it. Because it's like cheap

ingredients, garbage sugar, empty calories. And I'm like, yeah, let me get a cupcake and a cookie. And they're like, go ahead. It's just so nasty. So yeah, don't eat the banana. I mean, the banana bread, though, I would love. I love banana bread. I mean, unless you were preaching the gospel of like keto diet or something. Yeah, suppose. But that seems unlikely. So speaking of banana bread, this is the last aside before we start, folks, I swear. I went to this Airbnb a long time ago back in L.A. And there was a woman there, and she's like, what do you do? And I was like, oh, do you know what a podcast issues. I'm not that old because they're like, you know, they're in their 60s or whatever.

She's like, what's it called? And I was like, oh, it's the Jordan Harbinger show. And she goes, I listened to that. And I was like, no way, really? And we started talking about it because Jen booked the Airbnb, so she hadn't seen my name on there or anything. And, you know, it's like this nice little unit. So we're like, oh, we should stay here again.

So the next time I go back, I go back and I stay at that Airbnb and there's banana bread on the counter. And I was like, hey, can I eat this? And she's like, I baked it for you because I heard that you like banana bread. on the podcast. Wait, so is it the same reference? I don't think so because why would I have said don't eat it when I'm definitely going to eat that entire loaf of banana bread every time I go to that Airbnb in LA for sure. Wait, unless the reference you're making is you're saying, I love banana bread. Don't get near my banana bread. Don't eat the fucking banana bread. Don't touch my fucking banana bread is more like it.

Yeah, that's possible because that might be where it's from. It's like, Jen will be like, oh, let me take half of this. I'm like, don't even think about it. I'll give you whatever you want, but you eat my banana. Oh, there you go. Possibly that. I would share that with her. I don't know. Either way, I'm really thankful for all of the influence I've had on your son. And for the banana bread that the woman baked for me at the Airbnb because she heard about it on the podcast. All right, Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. My grandmother passed away last year, and my grandfather has been dealing with an immense amount of grief and loneliness since losing his partner of over 60 years. Then, earlier this year,

he mentioned the idea of remarrying. He said he wanted to marry somebody who could act as a partner and caregiver as he approaches 90 years old. He also mentioned that it would be a way to not let his survivors benefits from the military go to waste and for him to stop driving. Recently, my father traveled down to California with his three siblings to meet my grandfather's new fiancee. This woman is nearly 30 years younger than he is. She doesn't drive and she doesn't speak English. I don't understand how she could possibly be a good caregiver or advocate for my grandfather. My dad and his siblings expressed their concern, to which my grandfather said something along the lines of, she's very poor, as if this were some sort of white knight's situation.

On top of this, after my father and his siblings met the woman and her daughter to discuss the situation, my grandfather's barber called my grandfather, speaking in Tagalog, and said something to the effect of, your children are interfering. My family is committed to keeping my grandfather as safe as possible, helping him get a Tagalog speaking attorney to drop a pre-nup and whatever other paperwork is needed to protect him. My concern is that he outright said that he was going to marry this woman no matter what, and that he could fire the lawyer or nullify the pre-up.

I'm trying to encourage my aunt who lives close by to advocate to become his power of attorney as she is for his medical decisions, but I'm unsure just how far that actually extends. I'm at a total loss here, guys. How do I help? What should I do? Signed, guarding grandpa from a grubby grift. Ugh, this does not sound good. I'm getting some Barry the Swami vibes from this question.

I mean, it could be innocent. I don't know, man. I had the same thought, Barry the Swami, good old B-Swam. That was that quote-unquote guru who was moving in on those sisters' mom a few months back. If you guys are interested, episode 5, 4, 7, by the way. Actually, I got to tell you, Jordan, this also reminds me of something that happened to my friend's grandfather years ago. So here's a quick story. Basically, he was a lonely widower just like this guy.

And one day he gets a call on the phone in his house from a stranger, a woman. They start chatting. apparently they got along very well. And then she kept calling him like every day, multiple times a day for months and months. And they just sort of struck up a friendship, a relationship. And then they finally met in person, but only a handful of times. And then a couple of years later, he died. My friend's grandfather died. So my friend and her family went up to Northern California to have the funeral and, you know, pack up the house, sort out his affairs. And when they go through all this stuff, they realize that all of his money is gone. Not an insignificant amount of money, like hundreds of thousands of dollars he had

socked away over the years just disappeared. And then they find paperwork for, if I recall correctly, two different car leases in his desk drawer. One of them, I think, was like a super nice escalate or something like that with some random person's name on it. But there's no escalate in the driveway. They've never seen this car. And then they also found a receipt for a PO box at this random little ethnic grocery store in his neighborhood, which they couldn't make heads or tails of, and they're just like, what is going on here? So they start looking into the last name on the Carleys, and I can't remember how they finally pieced it all together, but they finally figured out that this woman who had been calling him was some kind of traveling con artist, and she and her family

had this exact same con going with tons of elderly people in the Bay Area. And she had convinced my friend's grandfather that they were in love and they were going to be together. And he had leased the cars for, I think it was her son and her brother. So then my friend and her family, they go down to the market where the PO boxes and they realized that that was where she had him dropping checks for her every week so she didn't actually have to see him in person. And they went around to like the clerks and the manager at the store and they were like, do you know what's going on? Why is there a PR? Like, what's the deal? And none of the people at the store would give my friend's family any information. Like they just stonewalled them and got really awkward and quiet. And to this day, my friend's family

still suspects that these managers are connected to the con artist in some way, or maybe they're related, or they're in the same ring, or maybe they were being paid off, I don't know. And apparently, the police would not investigate and really do anything about it. And eventually, the family just gave up and just sort of let it rest there. But yeah, this kind of stuff happens all the time. I'm not saying this story will turn out as badly as that, or even that's what's really going on here, but I don't know, it's definitely pretty suss. Yeah, that is crazy. I mean, that's super suss. This 90-year-old man loses the love of his life. In this case, right, loses the love of his life. He's obviously very lonely. Within a year he's engaged to a woman

30 years younger than he is with no useful caretaking skills, which also like, that sucks. And when his family starts asking questions, he gets a call from the barber saying that his kids are interfering. So this woman, she's obviously like backchanneling with the barber. I mean, to me, what do you think? This is very weird. The whole thing is weird. That's what it sounds like to me. They're back channeling, which is actually sort of funny, I guess, just the idea that this guy's barber at friggin' fantastic Sam's the one who's going to tilt the scales here, but it's also kind of scary to think that as barber.

Yeah, you're ever trusted to your haircut, that's who you take marital advice from. But it's also scary to think that his barber might be, I don't know, low-key colluding with this woman and her family to lean on this old man to marry her. Yeah, it's manipulative. Maybe even bordering on some kind of like vague elder abuse situation. I'm not sure if there's a law being broken here,

but this definitely doesn't sound like it's on the up and up. so I get why you're concerned here. This is sketchy at best, exploitative at worst. We also wanted an expert's opinion on your situation here, so we consulted, of course, with the one and only Corbyn Payne, defense attorney and friend of the show. Corbyn's first reaction was very similar to ours.

He zeroed in on the loneliness factor too, and he was even more concerned about the barber thing. In fact, Corbyn said that if this barber is actively promoting this effort in concert with this woman or her family, you might have a situation where people are colluding, and there might be some criminal prosecution options on the table. Now, he wasn't 100% sure if that's the case, but he was concerned when he heard that detail.

So you're not crazy to be worried about that. Although, I will say this, in some cultures, they're just tight-knit Filipino, you know, Taiwanese, sort of ex-pat immigrant communities. Some of these are tight-knit. They have aunties and uncles meddling in everyone's business all the time. Fair point. This could be less organized con job operation, whatever,

and more like people got nothing else to do need to mind their business kind of situation. and they're like, oh, my niece who still lives overseas or just moved here is like helpless and broke, but nice. And she'll marry this older guy. And like, she's kind of old. No one's going to marry her. He's really old.

She'll sort of take care of him until he dies and then she'll just inherit the house. And it could be kind of like that and harmless as opposed to like, we're going to milk this guy. But that's just my two cents. Sadly, Corbyn said there aren't as many options for forcing your grandfather to not get married. He's not sure a power of attorney would be enough. to stop him anyway. It might, but you and your family would need to consult with an attorney in your area. Corbyn also said you might want to strongly consider getting a conservatorship over your grandfather. We've talked about conservatorships on the show before. Corbin's not always in favor of them.

Neither are we. Hashtag free Britney. They're expensive and onerous and difficult, and it can get problematic. But in a situation like this, this is when you think about getting one of those, a conservatorship, that is, your grandfather's age, his apparent recklessness in making personal decisions at this point. In Corbyn's view, they indicate the need to appoint someone to manage his affairs. But again, you would need to consult an attorney about how that would work and whether it's even possible. Short of that, though, Corby had some good ideas to make sure your grandfather's being taken care of. First of all, you should look into his military benefits. They might allow him to get some caretaker assistance. I'd look into his insurance too. See what that covers. Medicare, for

example, sometimes helps pay for home health care services, including part-time caregivers. I can't imagine it's amazing as someone in your house 24-7, but he might be able to have people come over a few times a week, check on him, help him with stuff around the house. Maybe they bring him groceries, take him to run errands, which is more than this woman seems like she can do. She can't drive. She can't speak the language. She doesn't sound willing from your letter to do much of anything. In addition to caretakers, Corbyn also recommended researching organizations that do elderly visits. If he's got someone coming in once or twice a week just to watch a little football or the news or Matt Lock or whatever, you know, now, that could help a lot with the loneliness factor.

That could really, that could be the deciding factor, honestly. It could make him feel more comforted and, yeah, give him some contact with somebody so he's not looking for it from somebody who might not have his best interests. He's not just desperate for human context. Yes. But honestly, the best thing you guys can do for your grandfather right now is stay close with him, make him feel loved, supported, listen to, because this. feeling of loneliness and of being unloved, maybe even in his old age of being unwanted,

that's got to be driving this whole marriage thing. The more you guys can meet his need for love and companionship, the less I think he's going to look to this random woman to save him. And it sounds like you guys are already very involved with his life, which I think is great, but he needs to really see and feel that consistently. And while you do that, I would also keep encouraging him to consider whether he needs to actually marry this woman. If this were my grandfather, I would probably be telling him, look, grandpa, if you like her, great, spend time with her. enjoy her company, but why do you have to marry this person? I would probably tell him, you know, wait six months before you make a decision, see if you really like being with her.

And then if she bounces after a couple months because she realizes that she's not going to get half his treasury bonds or whatever, he'll know that she wasn't really there for the right reasons. And then hopefully this problem will resolve itself. But if he insists on marrying this woman, which sadly he might, then yes, helping him get a Tagalog speaking attorney, drop a pre-nup, whatever else would protect him. That is super smart. Also probably the best thing you could be doing for him. Yeah, the only problem with the prenupt man is that both parties, at least in California, I'm not sure how it works everywhere, but both parties need a lawyer. So he would have to hire a lawyer for her because what they don't want is some wealthy, powerful guy being like, hey,

so you're not going to get anything. And the other party's like, okay, I'm talking to three lawyers and I'm about to get married. So like, whatever, they have to be represented in that. So you end up negotiating against somebody that you're paying to negotiate against you. And then usually they agree on something that's not you get nothing. It's not as easy as being like, oh, I have this page that you sign that says you don't get squat. Thanks. It's complex and expensive. I'm sorry this is happening to you guys.

I really feel for you and for your grandfather. The dude is lonely. He's obviously in need of love and companionship. So I hope he finds it from you guys and from professionals, not from some possibly low-key grifter who's in cahoots with a hairstylist at Supercuts to get her hands on a 90-year-old's money. So we're rooting for you guys. Take care of yourself. Take care of your grandpa.

Good luck. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line. Tell us where you are. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or if you need a new perspective on life, love work, what to do if you've fallen in love with your star employee? That one from last week is intense. That's intense. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday atjordanharbinger.com. We're here to help. We keep every email anonymous. You're listening to Feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back.

Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and or services? You can always visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now back to Feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show. All right. Next up. Hello, Jordan and Gabe.

My dad called my sister recently to say that he was going to say, sign our family house over to my mother and that he will keep the beach house in his name. My dad is a very cryptic person and reading between the lines I see this as I'm preparing to file for divorce. We haven't told my mom about this phone call as we don't know how to address the issue with her. My dad will absolutely be fine on his own. He has friends. He has hobbies and he actually drives to our beach house every week just to escape my mom and her extreme politics and racist beliefs. My mom, on the other hand, she has zero hobbies, zero friends, and will happily stay at home and watch TV all day not exercising. She is, however, an amazing mother and grandmother to all of the grandchildren who absolutely love and adore her.

How can I support my mom through a potential divorce when she does little to help herself? Signed, a loyal daughter treading these family waters. Wow, this is a very interesting family, not just in terms of the way they operate, like your dad's signaling that he's trying to separate by moving assets. around, but just in terms of how responsible you feel for your mom, which I think that's sweet. You're concerned about her, even though you clearly don't agree with her worldview. You want her to be happy and healthy. You sound like a good daughter. But there's also, I mean, that's a lot for you to take on to feel like you need to protect and empower your mom when she doesn't even do that for herself. That said, if your dad is making moves that could compromise your mom or blindside her, and he's letting

you and your sister in on that information, but not her, that puts you guys in a very difficult spot. Now you're torn between keeping his secret and taking care of your mom, which sucks. The fact that your mom is a great mom and a grandmother and that everyone in the family loves her, that makes things even worse. So yeah, this is a tough one. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but that's what it sounds like from the letter. So what do you do? Do you tip mom off or do you let mom and dad sort this out on their own and stay out of it? Well, I'm not sure there's an ideal outcome either way. If you tip mom off that dad might be hanging on to the house and filing for divorce, you risk, quote, betraying dad. Although to be fair, it doesn't sound like he asked you and your sister to keep it a

secret or anything, so maybe you wouldn't really be betraying him. It's also not clear that telling mom what's going on would affect him very much. If your dad has already made his moves with these properties, in a worst case scenario, he'd just be mad at you. If you keep dad's secret and you stay out of it, though, then you risk putting mom at a disadvantage and she might feel that you're implicitly allying with dad against her by not giving her a heads up. So on the other hand, and their divorce, their assets, how they feel about each other. It's really their business. It's ultimately between them.

So I think it does come down to a few things. One, how you and your sister view your loyalty to your mom and dad, what kind of relationship you want to have with them. And two, whether you feel what your dad is doing is simply self-interested or is it actually unfair. And three, whether what dad is doing is going to put mom in a really precarious position by moving these assets around. for what role do you think you should have in their divorce, if any? Now, these are pretty personal

questions. I'm not sure I could answer them better than you two could, but I do think these are the right questions to ask. I do think there's one potential solution to this problem, which is to encourage your dad to talk to your mom. I know you said he's cryptic and probably not great at communication, but if you can explain to him that he's putting you in a very difficult position, having to essentially pick sides, he might realize that he's being unfair to you as well. and whatever moves he's making, they're going to impact mom emotionally, financially, and it's just not fair of him to be keeping it a secret. The sooner he tells your mom what he plans to do, the better.

So I would try to get him to talk to her before you do. But if he drags his feet on that, then you guys will have to decide whether you have an obligation to tell your mom what's going on anyway. Which, let's be fair, is a very tough call to make. Either way, they upset one of their parents, but hopefully they can convince dad to just step up and do the right thing here and say what's really going on. As for the larger question, how can you support your mom through this divorce when she seems to do so little to help herself?

I think you've in a way already sort of answered that question. This is her marriage. This is her life. Ultimately, she has to be the one to take it on herself, decide how to respond to this divorce, how to take care of herself going forward. Your role here is really to be a supportive daughter, a good friend who can help your mom help herself, but not necessarily to force your mom to be a different kind of person. So when you do spend time with her, maybe you can say, hey, mom, you know, you seem a little down. You seem a little bored. What if you took up a hobby or what if you invited so-and-so to lunch? What if you went for a long walk every morning? I think you could really use that right now, you know, sort of like encourage her and nudge her to do the things that you know would help her out.

And maybe you even do some of those things with her so you can encourage her to get into it. Or maybe you combine, I don't know, a hobby or a workout or a social visit with her family, maybe with her grandkids. So she starts to re-engage with life through them, you know, like going for a hike with the whole family or teaching her grandkids how to crochet or whatever she's into. You can be a cheerleader. You can be a model for her. You can show her a different way of showing up for her life. But if she does not want to do that, and if you listen to Feedback Friday regularly, then you know that this is something of a theme here on the show. Then you do have to accept that this is just how your mom wants to live her life. At that point, it's all about recognizing the limit of your

influence in this situation, the limit really of your responsibility for your mom's happiness. That's the crucial boundary. agree 100% of course I'm all for her helping her mom find new hobbies take care of herself all of that but she can't live mom's life for her and she can't turn mom into a different kind of person overnight not on her own anyway mom has to want to do that so good luck I hope you can find a way to be there for your mom without feeling entirely responsible for her and hopefully without getting caught between your parents they need to sort this out between the two of them you and your sister ideally you guys are a good source of support and love, not family therapists or collateral damage. So we're sending you good

thoughts, good luck. By the way, if you are joining us for the first time or you want to tell your friends about the show and you're not sure where to start, episode starter packs are the place to do it. These are collections of popular episodes organized by topic to help new listeners get a taste of everything that we do here on the show. Just visit jordanharbinger.com slash start to get started. And now these are Spotify playlists. Gabe, we should probably note this. You can find them in Spotify, we basically took all the starter packs and turned them into playlists that are on Spotify. And they're on our website. And I think you can click them on your phone and or on your desktop. And Spotify will just pop them right open. And then you can bookmark them and play them all repeatedly

for that sweet, sweet ad dollars. All right. Next up. Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I was unemployed for most of 2020 due to the Pandy. I lost two jobs and my wife divorced me. Needless to say, 2020 sucked. During that time, though, an old friend reached out to see if I could help him with his recruiting business. I was happy to help, but business was slow, so I found something in the medical device field. It wasn't my passion, but it did help pay the bills since the recruiting business was slow. I figured I could do both jobs, and if one of them took off, I would quit the other. Now the recruiting business has taken off. I have more job orders than I can handle, and I put over $20,000 in my pocket in one month alone. My friend says he has never been busier and has a lot more work

for me. I project that I could make $200,000 by the end of the year. The best part is that this is really a foray for me into partnering with this guy in the future. I cannot in good conscience dedicate myself to both jobs, but I feel extremely guilty quitting the medical supply business so soon. How do I quit this job after a month? I know I need to do this over Zoom, but how do I frame the message? Signed, jumping ship to stack my chips. Well, first of all, I'm sorry you had such a rough 2020 man, losing two jobs getting divorced, that's a lot in one year. But it sounds like you made it through. You took a job you didn't love,

but you needed to survive, which was the right thing to do for sure. And now you've landed in a pretty amazing position, so I'm proud of you for that. But now you feel guilty about having to choose, and that makes sense. You sound like a thoughtful person, and thoughtful people often agonize

over decisions like this. Here's the thing, though. This recruiting job, it's obviously the better opportunity. The money is too big to ignore. You're well within your right to take it over the medical device gig, you might be letting down your medical bosses,

and it's obviously not ideal to leave after a month, but sometimes it happens. You can't give up $200,000 or more this year just because you don't want to hurt these people's feelings. You just can't do that. That said, there is a better and a worse way to leave a job, so here's how I'd handle it. I would hop on a Zoom call with your bosses,

or at the very least, write them an email, and tell them that you have some news to share. It's not super fun news. You're sorry you've got to tell them, but you want to be up front. you've been offered another job that offers significantly more money and that it's more in line with your goals right now and that after careful consideration, you've decided to take it.

And here's where I'd tell maybe a little white lie, lie of omission just to make it go down a little easier. I probably wouldn't tell them that you've been juggling the two jobs this whole time waiting to see which one would pan out, just that this other opportunity has presented itself and you want to pursue it because it doesn't materially change the situation. I don't think you owe these people every single little detail of it, just the ones that are relevant to them.

Then I'd tell your boss that you're very sorry for leaving after a month and that you didn't intend for things to play out this way and that you're super grateful for the opportunity. And then I would offer to help make the transition as seamless as possible either by helping them search for your replacement or training that person when they come on board or wrapping up whatever you were working on and handing off smoothly. You probably don't owe them more than two weeks at your time, especially since you were only there for a month, but you can definitely make those two weeks as collaborative as possible, which is always a good policy on your way out the door.

Yes, solid advice, Jordan. And hey, here's a fun idea that just occurred to me. Since you're a recruiter now, what if you used your experience with this company to scout talent in the medical device industry? You could prove that you're a great recruiter by helping your old employer find your replacement. And then you could hit up HR after you leave and say, hey, you know, I'm glad I could help you guys out? This is actually what I do now. I find amazing candidates for companies. Tell me, could you guys use some more help finding other good candidates? You know, something like that. And bam, just like that, you've brought a new account into your company. you're upping your commissions, you're proving your worth. And then maybe you could use this account to sign even more companies in the medical device field and that could become one of your specialties. You could have that as one of your verticals in the recruiting business. Kind of exciting and actually a pretty cool way to turn an awkward situation into a major win for everybody. I like that, Gabe.

I think if you can pull that off, that would be amazing. Maybe give them a hook up on the recruiting fee, just a good way to double dip a little, but also make it an even bigger win and lighten the burden on them a little. So I say go for it, man. Chase the new job. Don't look back. It sounds like the money and the future opportunities

are really exciting to you, which is great. Just be helpful and gracious on your way out. And then go get your bag, bro. Good luck. All right, what's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I recently divorced my wife of six years.

I've been out of the dating game for a while and I'm finding that it's hard to try and figure out another woman. I also struggle a lot with feeling loved. I started dating a girl a little over two months ago, but we've known each other for over two years. When we first started dating, we were in the best honeymoon phase filled with gestures of affection and communication of our love. But I find myself being a little too clingy, constantly checking up on her, getting upset if she leaves the house without telling me,

getting worked up if she doesn't text me back fast enough, stuff like that. I try so hard to not be this way, but I keep falling back into the same pattern. Should I have an honest talk with her? Should I trust her more? How do I change? Signed, a clingy chap in this cringy trap. Great question, and I appreciate your openness and self-awareness about all this. I know it can be hard to talk about.

First of all, sorry to hear about the divorce. That is a huge adjustment, but congrats on finding a woman that you really love. I'm sure that's bringing up all sorts of stuff, including this clingy pattern, but it's also an excellent opportunity to work on that exact thing. So how do you rewrite a pattern like this? Especially since the clingy stuff, by the way, a great way to scare off healthy partners who don't want to be around that for too long if you don't address it. Well, you really do have to go back to the source, the early relationships

and the experiences, dad, mom, especially mom, siblings, childhood. And the only place you can really do that is in therapy. This is going to be a process of uncovering old material, identifying the roots of this impulse to check up on your girlfriend, to get angry when she doesn't respond right away. I obviously don't know what those are, but I can promise you that they reflect old wounds and needs that you probably haven't fully appreciated yet. And once you do, you'll start to understand why you respond to your girlfriend in these ways. And then hopefully over time, just learn how to respond differently.

My recommendation, find a therapist who works psychodynamically, someone who focuses on childhood and relational issues, not that other disciplines couldn't be of help. Maybe there are some cognitive behavioral approaches that would help you reframe some of the thoughts you're having. But in your case, getting deep, going way back, that's where you're going to find the goal. are you going to find the most growth and the most relief from the problems that you're describing. Yes, I agree completely, Jordan. There's so much for him to explore in therapy, including the divorce and also this struggle to feel loved in general, as he put it. So yeah, get the two at therapist's

office, ASAP. As for your other questions, should you have an honest talk with your girlfriend? Definitely. I don't think you can go wrong by communicating with her openly. But when you bring this up with her, I would focus more on your experience. You know, maybe frame it as when you do these things, I'm noticing that it's making me want to respond in this way. I have this weird feeling like I can't trust you or I'm very worried about you or I'm concerned that if we're not constantly in touch that something's wrong or you might leave me for some weird reason. I know that's my stuff and it's something I want to work on but I just wanted to talk about it with

you. In other words, I would be very careful here about not putting any of this behavior on your girlfriend or subtly asking her to change so that you can feel more secure. the goal in bringing it up with her in a conversation would be to let her in on what you're going through, what you're feeling, and maybe invite her to help you figure this out together. Should you trust her more? Probably. Yeah, it doesn't sound like she's done anything wrong here.

But I'm guessing it's not as simple as just telling yourself to trust her more. There's probably a voice in your head that's going, if she's not texting me back, she must be with another guy. Or if she's not telling me where she is every second of the day, she must not care about me. You know, that's the stuff you really do need to go to therapy to unpack. So sure, trust your girlfriend, but more importantly, trust that there's another way to interpret your girlfriend's actions. And also trust yourself that you can work on this stuff and get better. And if slash when you go to therapy, maybe you can bring her with you at some point or maybe you guys go to couples counseling. That way you guys can both work on this pattern and hopefully understand how this pattern develops between the two of you.

Because as with any couple, your stuff is almost certainly hooking into her stuff, whatever that is. and that's what creates a dynamic like this. You know, Jordan, I'm also curious to know whether this clinginess thing, whether that showed up in his marriage or maybe contributed to the divorce in some way, I think there's a decent chance that it did. And if it did, then he has even more reason to work on it now because then it's really a theme that keeps occurring in every intimate relationship. Absolutely. And look, even if it's not, even if this is new,

you still need to get clear on why you're having these reactions to your girlfriend, where they come from, why you struggle with feeling loved, all these things as you put it, they're just nails in a coffin. You want to be happy. You want to make this one work. You don't want to scare away. So I hope you get to do that. The fact that you're aware of all this, though, you're willing to talk about it. That's a huge step forward. Bring all of this to a professional. Throw yourself into therapy. Try to get to the origins of the pattern. If you do that, I think you'll be able to process these feelings differently and probably react differently, even in the moment. Hopefully you'll be able to release some of the ideas, reactions, feelings that are

unhelpful and build an even better relationship with your girlfriend. So you got this man, good luck. It's possible this has always existed most likely, but even if it's, it might have been like at 10% before and now it's like up at 80% because the relationship triggered some of this trauma and stuff and maybe it wasn't a deciding factor in a previous relationship, but now it's going to get worse. This is the kind of thing that if you don't address, it's going to get worse over time. And also people's patience for this kind of stuff. It doesn't last that long. You know, it's like, oh, it's kind of cute. He's clingy. And then it's like, okay, you're clingy, get your stuff together. And then it's, why aren't you doing anything about this? And then it's, I'm out.

You know, I can't deal with this. It's stifling. So the fact that he's aware of it, I think, now it's just like, open that steam valve, figure it out, you'll be fine. This is the Jordan Harbinger show, and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back. And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right, next up. Hello, Jordan and Gabe. My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year, and living together for a few months now. I'm 23, she's 21, and she already has her bachelor's degree and a salaried position making twice as much as I do.

I've never really been the school type as I was bullied from elementary up to high school and teachers have never had a meaningful impact on me. But I've always been tech savvy working for Apple as a technician and for Best Buy as a geek squad installer. I always thought that if I worked hard enough, I could make just as much money without a degree, but I'm finding that that's not the case.

My girlfriend really wants me to finish but the thought of going back to school makes me sick. She is unbelievably smart and has nothing but good things to say about her past teachers and experiences throughout college. I know that if I don't get some form of higher education, that she will eventually leave. How can I change my view of college and convince myself to go get an education? Signed, dragging my feet on using my head. This is an interesting question. Quite an interesting couple as well. Your girlfriend's very academic, more conventional. You, not so much. No shade, just, you know, facts here.

She's pushing you to go back to school now and you're afraid that if you don't, you're going to lose her. Right off the bat, I'm just going to tell you, and I'm guessing you already know this on some level, this is not a good reason to go back to school. Not only do you struggle in academic environments, which many people do, but you'd be chasing a degree out of what fear that your girlfriend's going to leave you? Come on, no. With that approach, you will hate every single step of this process.

And you'll probably start to develop some resentment towards your girlfriend. for forcing you to do something that you can't or just don't want to do. So my take, you're actually asking the wrong question here. The question isn't, how can I change my view and convince myself to go get an education? The right question is, why do I feel the need to do what my girlfriend says in order to keep her happy, especially in something as major as this? And will getting a college degree really make me more successful? The other question you could ask is, why did I struggle so much in school?

and why am I struggling to succeed at the level I want now? Because this whole situation speaks to a deeper theme in your relationship. Your girlfriend, she's pushing you to get your degree. Probably because she thinks it'll advance your career. She's not entirely wrong. The data clearly shows that people with college degrees earn more on average than people with just a high school diploma. There are different takes on this,

but it seems that people with college degrees earn anywhere from $19,000 to $30,000-something-dollar more per year on average. So going to college, sure, it could help you. By the way, I think they ignored trade schools when they did this, and they were just talking about people that are like unskilled high school diploma versus college degree. I think that's tricky, possibly on purpose, possibly sponsored by colleges, you know, doing this, like, you need this.

Oh, don't look at the plumber who's making way more than half our graduates. But the way you described your girlfriend, she's unbelievably smart, you said. She has nothing but good things to say about her past teachers and experiences in college. She's making good money at a young age. I do wonder if your girlfriend is holding you to standards and experiences that she values, but that don't necessarily apply to you. I'm happy she had such a great experience in college. It's awesome that she's doing so well now.

But I also wonder if there might be some element of, is it ego or appearances wrapped up in the idea of dating someone without a college degree? I'm not saying that's the case. If that is part of why she wants you to get your degree, so you can be part of this like elitist club, so you can be more on her quote unquote level. Earning potential aside, I would really ask yourself

if those are good reasons for you to go back to school. At the same time, going to college, definitely not a guarantee you're going to make more money whatsoever. Sure, the average salary for college grads is higher, but that obviously doesn't mean all college grads make more money, and it doesn't mean that there aren't non-college grads who are killing it. There are, absolutely. What matters more is what you do with,

that degree or what you do in addition to and around that degree to set yourself up for success. We talked about this a little bit on the show with Mike Rowe, episode 264. He talked about trade schools and fellowships and things like that for jobs that actually exist, as he puts it. So if you're operating under the assumption that a degree will fix your career, I would toss that out of the window right now, especially if you are just not the academic type. Because not only will you probably be miserable for four years. I mean, you might love it, but past behavior, past experience, pretty indicative of how the future is going to go. Your whole outlook on school will make it hard to get good grades,

seek out interesting teachers, pursue cool projects, build strong relationships, all the things that make college actually useful, and you're going to be paying out the nose for that privilege. We're living in a world right now, and I've talked about this on the show a bunch, where you just don't need a college degree to have a great career. It might even be a hindrance because of all the debt you're going to be in, that you might be in, I should say, and it's definitely a huge opportunity cost either way.

I mean, friggin, Google, Apple, IBM, I'm in Silicon Valley, tons of companies here. They're not even requiring college degrees anymore. You have to, of course, be super smart and accomplished to work there, but you don't have to have a degree from a university. There are coders in those buildings who spend a couple years hacking things together

and contributing to open source projects and uploading their work on GitHub. They're crushing it right now. They've never set foot on a college campus, or they dropped out when they realized they could get further by just working. So I'm not saying that's everybody. I'm not saying that's necessarily you.

But this whole model of go to college or you'll never be successful, it's just obsolete. And I think it can often hold certain personalities back, especially if you're a hands-on type of person. There's plenty of other places you can study. And that's coming from a nerd who did undergrad and law school.

So I've done a lot of school and a lot of it I didn't need. Well, all of it technically, right? I didn't need. I'm with you, Jordan. I also went to undergrad and I was a fairly traditional kid before I threw it all the way to be a reckless person. And I'm looking back and I'm thinking if I didn't want to do those things and I knew what I wanted and I knew what I was good at, I don't know if college is necessarily the gateway that you think it might be to make the money and have the success that you want. My only caveat to that would be figure out if you're avoiding college because you're looking for a way out of doing the work or you're intimidated or you resent having to, I don't know, maybe play by somebody else's rules or anything like that.

If that's the case, then this resistance you have to college will pop up in other areas of your life eventually. And that's absolutely worth addressing now. But I'm not really getting that sense from the email. You sound ambitious. You're willing to put in the work. You just don't like academic settings. The thought of going back to school, as you put it, makes you sick, which is a pretty strong reaction to have.

I mean, at a minimum, you got to listen to that. It could mean a few things. It could mean that you have to sort out whatever it is about school that is so stressful. But it could also just mean that you're not fit for that. It's just not your path. And I think that's okay. So our advice, do not go to college because your girlfriend is pressuring you to go to college. Only go if you want to go or if there's something very concrete that you can only achieve in school

or you're dead set on a certain job or a certain industry that absolutely requires a college degree. And if your girlfriend says that she's going to break up with you, if you don't graduate college, then you guys need to have a real heart to heart about that. You've got to decide whether pleasing her is more important than pursuing an authentic path for yourself. And I think she needs to get a handle on why you having a college degree is so important to her. Hopefully, your girlfriend can learn to accept you the way that you've accepted her and maybe understand why she's mapping her experiences with college onto you when you guys are clearly very different people.

If you guys can each do that, then you might totally work out as a couple. If not, it's possible you're on different paths or maybe you're looking for different partners, which, by the way, at 21, 23 years old, totally fair, very common. I'm not here to say you guys should break up. I'm not pushing you in that direction. It's just something to consider. It sounds to me like you're trying to fit your values, retrofit your values to fit your girlfriend

and not trying to forge this path for yourself. Yeah, definitely. They're still figuring out so many things about themselves and their lives and what they want. And when you're at that age, in that stage of relationships and everything, your values are in flux to like this whole college degree thing. I do see her point about wanting you to succeed.

And I know that's what you want to do too. So you will have to put in the work to take, charge of your career. And in a nutshell, that means a few things. Investing in yourself, so skills, knowledge, credentials, building meaningful relationships with your peers, with mentors, with people who might hire you one day. If you're not doing six-minute networking, please go and start doing that, dig the well before you get thirsty. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. It's free. You all know that by now. And putting in the time to get great at something that, A, you deeply care about. B, other people value too. It sounds like that's something in technology for you, maybe an IT, for example,

which is great. That could be kind of your North Star for the time being. I know that this is pretty broad advice, but that's the basic template for any great career. Honestly, my best advice for somebody who wants to skip college, find a professional you like and admire and can learn from and just become their apprentice or even their assistant. If you spend a few years working under a high performer in your field, even if you don't make a ton of money at first, even if you have to moonlight for them, that's often your best bet for breaking in. Also, I mentioned it a little bit before, trade schools, you can make a ton of money as a plumber, a mechanic, electrician. There are tons of technical certifications that you can get

to increase your earning potential as well, none of which require university degrees. So see if those are right for you as well. If we're talking about an expensive piece of paper so You look smart to outsiders, not worth it. If you're talking about real skills and certs to get better and better jobs, now you're barking up the right tree. Some places might still disqualify you for not having a degree. That's fine. Those aren't your people.

Get great. Get connected. Get passionate. And use those assets to chart your own path. If you spend four years seriously investing in those three areas, that'll be to college degree almost every single time. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week.

and of course all of you for listening. Go back and check out Anderson Cooper and Tim Snyder if you haven't yet. Don't forget about six minute networking, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty. It doesn't matter if you're at the beginning or the middle or even the end of your career. This is the stuff I wish I knew. A couple decades ago, it's been great for me. It'll be great for you. It's also free. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course is where you can find it. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram, or just hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi.

This show is created an association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Millio Campo, Josh Ballard, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own. I am a lawyer, but not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto for Corbin Payne and every other expert we have here. Remember, we rise by lifting others.

Share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, please share the show with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger show with former professional skateboarder and entrepreneur Rob Durdek. I made my mom come in and meet with the counselor and the principal and just basically sold them on this idea that I'm going to be a pro skateboarder now. Jordan, I live in kill mode. Kill mode is like my lifestyle.

You know what I mean? Like, I am so optimized and operated such a high level. That alone gives me energy. I track every hour of every single day and have it tagged and it all pumps into a living dashboard of how perfectly balanced my time is. So I've gamified living at this deeply, highly optimized existence. that's also 100% balanced by design. I live as light as a feather.

When that system is out of balance, it's impossible to grow into your full potential, right? And then if you haven't defined what your full potential is and what the life that you want to live and what all aspects of that look like, then you're never going to find it. It's looking at everything you want to achieve and breaking it down to the very first task

that you know you can do. The most extraordinary way is to begin to turn the idea of deciding what you want, defining four or five milestones, and then doing one after another until you get to it. And doing that in all aspects of life over and over again, you begin to feel as if you control reality. Because you put something that didn't exist as the mile marker, and then you built a plan to do it, and you did it. To learn more about how Rob Dirk dropped out of high school at age 16 and how he now optimizes his life to the fullest potential, check out episode 498 on the Jordan Harbinger show.

This episode is sponsored in part by What Was That Like Podcast? If you're looking for a new show to add to your rotation, something that'll make you stop mid-dishwashing and go, wait, what, that actually happened? You got to subscribe to, what was that like? It's real people telling the most surreal moments of their lives, and they're not just giving you the highlights. They're walking you through it from the inside as a person who actually lived it, which means you're basically getting a friend. front row seat to the chaos. One episode is about Scott getting locked up in a foreign jail for a crime he didn't commit. Sure, Scott. Another is Sue's parachute failing. Wow, I'm surprised she was around to tell that story. And then there's Michael who was stabbed on a bus, which makes your commute

instantly feel a little bit more relaxing. Do what you think? So if you want to hear some wild and inspiring firsthand stories, I invite you to check out what was that like. Every story is verified. Their site even has photos so you know even the most bizarre stuff you're hearing is somebody's real life. Listen to what was that like on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or whatever app you're using right now. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a

fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work, itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts.

Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.