The Jordan Harbinger Show - 618: Prescription for Friction: Marry into Addiction | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: January 28, 2022

Your fiancée knows her weed habit triggers your own addictive tendencies, but keeps it in her daily routine anyway. Now she's giving you flak for your recent lapse in sobriety, and this is making you wonder if getting married next month is really the best move for both of you. What should you do? We'll try to find an answer to this and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/618 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Should you proceed with the marriage next month when your fiancée refuses to quit her weed habit even when she knows it triggers your own addictive tendencies? Your mother's always fawned over babies, but expresses indifference once they get older. As a result, you feel like you were neglected through most of your childhood and never fully developed. Now, at age 30, you've discovered you were conceived via a sperm donor, and suddenly the dots connect. How should you approach your mother about this? Your international long-distance relationship of several years was disrupted by COVID. And even though you've both agreed to date other people, you still hold onto hope that you might someday be able to work things out and resume a life together. Is this at all realistic, or is it just time to move on? You don't mind having a reputation for being nice, but it seems to be a green light for some people to habitually take advantage of you. How can you find the right balance between kindness and assertiveness? This past year, you've been surrounded with reminders of the impending death of loved ones, and what’s to come once they’re gone. How do you stop planning for the inevitable and start enjoying the time you have with those close to you while you still can? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course! Miss the interview we did with sleep doctor Matthew...See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy med yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you do you, get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the Brian to My Stewie, Gabriel Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills are the world's most fascinating people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker, so you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your

own mind. If you're new to the show, on Fridays, we give advice, we answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks, from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. This week, we had Daniel Levin. Gabriel, this guy was super interesting. So he runs a nonprofit organization that happens to work in the Middle East. And so he's the guy that people go to when someone goes missing in Syria because he's kind of one of the only people with connections there. And as you might guess by his last name, he's Jewish. So he works with like all of these kind of crazy human trafficker people and spies. But he's just like this chill Jewish guy who happens to

work in an NGO. And he's extremely sharp and skilled, like very used to high stakes thinking in situations. I loved this episode. It kind of came out of nowhere. A listener recommended it. And I'm excited for everyone to hear it if you haven't yet. We also had Martin Cove, starred in the Karate Kid as Sensei John Crease. Of course, he's also reprising that role in Cobra Kai on Netflix. He's also been in Rambo and in over a hundred other movies, which has to be close to a record. Basically, the Darth Vader of Karate, or at least the Darth Vader of the Karate Kid series in Kobra Kai. I also write every so often on the blog, my latest post positives to take with you out of the pandemic. This one's all about the unexpected benefits and hidden gifts of the last two years.

We all kind of know the pandemic was super stressful. It still is scary, uncertain, no doubt about that. But Gabe and I were just talking recently and realized there's just a ton of new insights and habits and realizations that we really only found during this lockdown period. And we're determined to take these insights with us into the rest of our lives. So that's what this article is about, the upsides of the pandemic, how you can harness those positives to make your life happier, more connected, more meaningful. And you can find that article and all of our articles.

at Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles. As always, we've got some great questions this week. You know, just saying all that, it reminded me of just how much we create every single week. I'm like, God, that's a lot of stuff, man. And it's all good, I think. I mean, look, if I do say so myself, a lot of it is kind of golden.

I like it. We did a good week. And it's all for you. That's right. It's all for you. All right. What's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hey, Jordan and Gabe.

I've recently become engaged to the love of my life. We're getting married next month, but I'm beginning to have serious problems with her drug addiction. I'm an ex-addict to Adderall and it all started with weed. When I'm around weed, it makes me want more of it and it puts me in a terrible situation. I've asked my fiancé numerous times to stop smoking, but she keeps doing it and bringing the smell around me. Finally, I slipped up and took a pill, and now she's very upset with me.

My fiance doesn't realize that she's hurting me. I've lost all hope. So, what should I do? signed going through a trial as we walk down the aisle. Oh boy. First of all, I'm so sorry that you're wrestling with this addiction. I'm sorry that your girlfriend isn't being very thoughtful about it from the sound of it. And according to you, she's an addict herself.

And look, we only have your letter, but it certainly sounds that way. It sucks that you relapsed and then she got mad at you. Although maybe she had some reason to be mad if she thought that you were firmly back on the wagon. Then again, it's kind of the pot calling the kettle black. see what I did there? I wonder, dad jokes all day, dad jokes all day. I mean, that was like top shelf dad joke right there. Yeah, yeah, which is always the bottom shelf, I suppose. I wonder if there's some projection or displacement happening here, right? Like in any event, it sounds like she's not considering how her weed use is affecting your sobriety or your experience in the

relationship, for that matter. So look, I'm just going to go into Uncle Jordan mode here and be very blunt with you. You have an addiction. Your girlfriend is using. a substance that clearly triggers that addiction. According to you, she's addicted herself. You guys don't seem to be communicating very well about any of this. You just went back to the Addy. Now you got a problem with that. And now the situation is so bleak that to use your words,

you've lost all hope. So given that, I got to ask you, man, why are you getting married? I know that might seem like a cruel question. I'm not trying to make light of this, but somebody's got to ask it. Your email is full of red flags. Whatever you and your fiancé are struggling with independently,

whatever's happening between the two of you together, whatever you guys aren't talking about, all of that is definitely going to become a problem in your marriage. It will create serious dysfunction down the line. I mean, it's already creating serious dysfunction, and you guys aren't even married yet. So my advice, and it's pretty simple, is figure this shit out now.

If this were me, there is no way I'd be getting engaged like this. You guys are slapping a band-aid on a bullet hole. And I'm not saying this woman isn't the love of your life. I'm not saying there's no way you can be together in the future, but you both have a lot of work to do before you're in a place to have a happy, healthy, supportive marriage. Well said, Jordan. I completely agree.

I mean, I'm sitting here having the exact same reaction to this letter. Like, why are you getting married when you have these issues to work through? Like, why are you doing that when you have to do this work? So what is that work? Well, for starters, addiction treatment of some kind for both of you, inpatient, outpatient, that's up to you. But at a minimum, definitely attending NA meetings, coming up with a solid plan to get sober and stay sober.

You need to figure out this addie addiction, my man, why this drug has such a hold on you, what's going on in your past and maybe in your life now that's making you want to keep using, including your girlfriend's behavior. and she needs to figure out if her weed use is actually an addiction or maybe just an unfortunate habit. It's kind of hard to tell from the letter. I'm going to take your word for it that she has a bit of a problem. It's clearly a spectrum, but that's another thing to deal with. And also, whether you two can function in a relationship where she is using the very drug that activates you. This is a non-negotiable, in my opinion. I just don't see how you guys can move forward in a healthy way if you're not on the same

page about the substance use. The other thing I would really encourage you to do is go to therapy. Working with a therapist, that would be a huge asset in your recovery, but it'll also help you unpack this hopelessness that you feel. I would also strongly consider going to couples counseling with your fiancé. You guys have a lot to get off your chest, a ton of stuff to sort through. It sounds like to Jordan's point that you're not exactly communicating about it, that's really what couples therapy is for. You guys need a place where you can look at these problems and decide what kind of future you want to have. And I would start that conversation with this huge thing that you shared with us, which is, she doesn't realize she's hurting me. I've lost all hope. I mean, Jordan,

those two sentences right there contain so much information about the two of them. So yeah, I would get to talking ASAP. Man, if I felt like my fiance were hurting me and I'd run out of hope, the last thing I'd want to do is get married. That's like the worst pre-wedding vibe ever. Plus, how do you even write your vows? How do you enjoy the party? It's like there's this huge storm cloud hanging over them and they're trying to plan a friggin parade. Like, how about we deal with the storm cloud?

So if you guys can really listen to each other, work through this and grow together, then you have a shot at making this marriage work. If you can't, then this relationship will almost certainly implode eventually or it'll just be super dysfunctional and miserable and we'll be hearing from you every other week and feedback Friday for the next 10 years.

The choice is yours. I know it's scary to think about, but I would seriously consider putting the wedding on hold. I'm not saying you have to cancel anything. Put it on hold while you all do this work. There's no reason to rush into marriage, even if you have strong feelings for each other. Or if you start doing this work and you realize that you can't be together and stay healthy, then I would reconsider if this is really the relationship that you want right now, whether it's the relationship you need. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I know this is probably very hard. to talk about, so I do commend you for that. We've been pretty direct with you, but please know it's all out of love. Whatever you decide to do about your relationship, do the work. Take care of yourself,

get better. Everything else is secondary. Good luck, man. We're rooting for you. Gabe, I do hope they can get past this and get married. I mean, it's like you can't read the label from inside the jar, right? You don't even see the magnitude of this problem when it's facing you. And it's just not a good time to get married. I think a lot of people also, they're like sunk cost fallacy. Well, we're already engaged and it's hard to find somebody else. And I don't know, she's great. I'll just, you know, try harder to not be triggered by this addiction behavior. It's like that's just not a strategy.

But hopefully they can overcome this. You know what? It won't take over your life and possibly ruin your marriage. The products and services that support this show. You're listening to Feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger show. We'll be right back. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. your support of our advertisers keeps us going.

Who doesn't love some good products and or services? You can always visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now back to Feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show. All right, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe,

about a year ago, I took a DNA test and found out that I was conceived via a sperm donor. Learning at the age of 30 that my biological father was a donor was jarring to say the least. My mother was always the type who wanted babies and loved little kids, as long as they were under six. As a result, I felt as though my mom stopped raising me at six years old, which caused me to miss out on attaining responsibility and discipline, a deficiency that haunts me to this day.

My therapy is focused on addressing that first, but I'm finding myself irrationally angry at my mother. She went through the work of finding a sperm donor to help her conceive, but she couldn't even raise me in the way I deserved. While she was a loving parent, and she did her best, I missed the type of. of support that are instrumental in attaining crucial skills as an adult. How do you think I should approach my mother about all of this? Is talking to her even a good idea? Signed, going back to the nest to get some things off my chest. Wow, this is a fascinating turn of events.

Just finding out that you were conceived by a sperm donor. I'm sure that would bring up a ton of questions on its own. But in your case, it sounds like it's heightened other feelings that you already had about your mom, about the way she raised you or didn't raise you. you, which is obviously very painful for you. So it's interesting. The anger you feel, I actually think it's a very normal part of the therapeutic process that you're in right now. Everyone's different, of course, but a pretty standard aspect of therapy is unearthing a ton of feelings about your life, about yourself, and almost always about your parents. I have so many friends who went into therapy

like, oh, my parents are great, they're so perfect, I love them, I had an amazing childhood, I don't need to talk about any of that. I just need to figure out what to do about. my career or my girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever. And then two months in, they stumble into all these memories and feelings that they just didn't even know existed. And suddenly their perfect childhood isn't so perfect. They have a whole new appreciation for all of the experiences, good and bad, that made them who they are. I don't want to scare anyone away from therapy. You're not going to start hitting your parents or something. It's just you get a better picture of who you are and how you got there. But discovering that you're angry at your parents,

especially at a mother who's generally the most formative relationship any of us will ever have, that is very common. You missed out on some crucial nurturing in your childhood, and that had a big impact on you as an adult. And now you got some feelings about that. If that's true, I don't think that the anger is irrational at all, although it is interesting that you think it's irrational. In fact, you recognizing that she did her best despite her mistakes, I think that's very evolved on your part.

You're basically saying, I've got love and compassion for you, Mom, but I'm also really friggin' mad that you deprived me of these skills. You're not living in the either or world that keeps us locked in one version of events. You're living in the both and world that allows you to have your experience and appreciate somebody else's experience. And that's actually really encouraging. So, do you bring all of this anger to Mom? Well, before we answer that, I think it's important to get clear on your expectations for this conversation. What is it that you hope to accomplish by telling your mom that she disappointed you, that you're angry now?

That's the first step. For example, are you hoping that she'll realize that you're right and break down and apologize for not being a great mom after you were six? And if so, would that apology help? Would it lessen the pain you feel? Or are you maybe hoping to make her feel bad on some level? Maybe to force her to confront her mistakes, maybe even punish her in some way. And I'm not judging that, by the way.

I'm just acknowledging this impulse a lot of us actually have towards people who've heard us. And if that's your goal, would that make you feel better? Would it give you closure? Or is it just going to displace the anger you feel onto her for a little while?

Or maybe you just want her to admit she wasn't the best parent. Maybe you want her to give you some validation that this lapse in parenting really even happened? And if that's the case, would that validation be useful to you? Would it help you heal and move on?

What I'm getting at here is what do you hope will happen in the conversation and how will that play a role in your growth? Man, that is such a good question, Jordan, because I think it's very tempting to want to take your pain and your disappointment to the person who caused them because that seems like the only place where they can get resolved. But we don't really think about why it would get resolved there or if that person is even equipped to really resolve it for us. And if you're not clear about what you're looking for in that conversation, I could see this exchange turning into, you know, I'm just going to unload on mom for all the ways that she disappointed me instead of being an

opportunity for a real conversation with a real resolution. So yeah, if you decide to talk to mom, I would get super clear on what you're hoping to achieve. But in my experience, when it comes to letting go of a difficult emotion like this, at least half the work, maybe most of the work, is on our side of the equation. You probably have to find some healthy ways to accept the childhood that you did have, process this anger, and eventually, hopefully release these feelings on your own. Probably the best place to do that is in therapy, so I'm really glad to hear that you're there. And yeah, talking to your mom about some of this, that might help if, and it's a huge if, if she's able to really hear you. But that's really hard

for most parents to do. I mean, you're not just bringing her something minor from your past that you guys can resolve, you know, something she could just apologize for pretty easily. What you're bringing to her is something pretty huge, which is you were not the mother I needed. The mother I deserved. I mean, that's incredibly painful for any parent to hear, even a parent who's very open and empathic. I mean, look, if your mom stopped raising you at the age of six, I'm wondering if she has the internal resources to be in a real dialogue with you about some of her failures as a parent. Yeah, I'm with you on that, Gabe. If you only love kids when they're under six, or if you only parent kids when they're under six, it's probably because you only know how to relate to people

when they're very young. You can't even maybe relate to the real complex person, an adult, that they've become, right, that they're becoming. The more likely scenario is that she'll feel very wounded in this conversation and probably quite threatened. She'll either get defensive or just deny the story or shut down, which I got to say, that's actually incredibly sad for both of them. It is super sad, but it's also how life works most of the time, right? It's pretty rare to get closure from the actual person who hurt us. We usually have to find our own ways of doing that, processing those wounds, maybe making some meaning out of them, hopefully turning them into something better. Like in this person's case, they're angry that mom didn't parent them correctly, but eventually

they might find that they can parent themselves, hopefully with the help of a therapist. They can have more curiosity about that part of their personality. They can even maybe appreciate how this wound shows up in other people. For example, their mother's failure, as painful as it is, is also their window into more empathy, more emotional intelligence, more resilience into all those great qualities that most of us want to cultivate. Definitely. Hey, like you said, the processing usually ends up happening on our side of the equation. So actually, now that we've talked this out, I'm leaning a little bit towards maybe not bringing this to mom. You know, your choice here, but I would say not bringing this to mom at least if you're going to pin all your hopes on her

response. Because if she doesn't give you what you're looking for, and I just think there's a good chance that she won't, then you might feel even more lost, and then you're going to be angry for two reasons. But if you do a lot of processing around this and you decide to talk to your mom with a different agenda, like you just want to tell her what it was like for you growing up, and maybe you tell her you're ready to let go with the anger that you've been feeling, that could potentially be a meaningful talk. But again, you have to know why you're telling her these things, how you're going to use that response to improve your life, because that's the real goal here. Not to just affirm your anger and keep you stuck in it, but to acknowledge it so that you can release it.

And ideally, improve your relationship with your mom in the future. So I would spend some time doing that first. You might find that you don't need to talk to your mom at all. Keep up the good work. Proud of you for confronting this one head on and we're sending you good thoughts. You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line.

That does make our job easier. if there's something you're going through any big decision that you're wrestling with, or you just want a new perspective on stuff like life, love, work, whether to invite your alcoholic father to your wedding. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday atjordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. All right, what's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe.

Three years ago, I met the love of my life while I was on an exchange program in England. We took a chance on our unlikely love story and decided to keep things going long distance while I moved back to the States. We talked every single day, and we visited each other every three to five months. It wasn't easy, but we believe that with the right person, we could make it work. I graduated from college a year before him, so he had to stay in England for another year. During that year, I moved to a new state away from my friends and family. The plan was for him to find work and moved to the U.S. when he graduated the following year. We had a few rough patches after I moved back.

It was very difficult for me to make such a big change when he was not there to grow and experience it with me, but we stuck with our plan because we loved each other. In early 2020, we said goodbye one last time. I assured him that things wouldn't be so bad this time because I was going to see him in just a few months. Two months later, travel between the U.S. and the U.K. was banned due to COVID. Being forced apart so abruptly was devastating. We spent many nights crying on the phone,

hopelessly trying to stay positive that things would get better and telling ourselves, you know, if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. After an emotional year and a half apart, we are currently not together, and we've agreed to start seeing other people. We made this decision because the endless long distance was really taking a toll on our relationship and on my mental health. I would grow distant, take it out on him by lashing out, and just feel overwhelmingly numb. The way I saw it, if we had any hope for a relationship in the future,

we had to cut things off before we began to resent each other. Since then, I've gone back and forth between wanting to wait and wanting to move on. I don't feel like I could ever have a love for someone like we did for each other. I'm normally a very logical and decisive person, but I get these profound feelings of guilt where I feel like I should wait for him because I know that he would wait for me. But the thought is very overwhelming, and moving on seems like the more practical option. I've actually started seeing someone recently, but it hasn't gotten very deep yet. My new partner has told me that he loves me, but I'm finding it impossible to feel with him what I felt with my ex. In some ways, I feel like my ex and I are going to find a way back to each other in the end.

travel between the UK and the US is still tricky. Travel bans, quarantine rules, and other laws are constantly changing. My ex also recently got accepted into a grad scheme that requires him to work for his company for another two years. So even if we did get to see each other once, what then? I get angry when people tell me to just move on or if you loved him enough, you would make it work because they don't understand this unique situation. I feel like giving up on dating for good because I'm not sure that I'll ever be truly ready to move on. I still think about my ex every day. It almost feels like I'm mourning him. Am I being silly for not completely moving on? Am I a bad person for not being strong enough to make this long distance relationship work for the foreseeable future?

Signed, Nursing This Bond Across the Pond. Oh, man. I feel like I just read the plot of the most intense romantic drama on Netflix or something, except like I don't hate all the characters and want to throw my TV out the window. Dude, yeah, this is almost exactly the movie Like Crazy. Have you seen that? No. Hell no. I will stab my eyes out before I watch. another rom-com. Seriously, the next movie I watch is going to be something you wrote or like my kids stars in or something. Otherwise, I'm not watching any romance movies ever. Actually, it's not a rom-com. It's a pretty intense romantic drama. But maybe, maybe, yeah, probably doesn't change

your opinion. Not really. But yeah, that movie is about two people American and British. They meet in America. And then they, I think she has to move back. And then they get stuck because of visa issue. It's exactly this story. If you want to cry your eyes out and commiserate with some fictional people, I would highly recommend watching that movie. Yeah, the last romance movie I watched was Love Actually. And actually, I kind of enjoyed it. So there's that. But no, I'm not in the mood.

All right, I'm not, I'm not, ain't nobody got time for that. Not in the rom-com thing. Anyway, my heart goes out to you guys. This is a really tough place to be as a couple. As most of you know, Jen and I were long distance for a little while. We flew back and forth to see each other. It was not that far. We're talking like an hour of flight.

And we did that every few weeks for like a year. This, having an ocean and associated time difference between you and the person you love, plus lockdowns and quarantines and the grad program. I mean, that sucks. It does. It just sucks. There's no way around it. All the things you're feeling right now, the love, the guilt, the hopelessness, the grief. I mean, I totally get it. So to answer your question right off the bat, no, you're not silly for not moving on. You're in love. That's how this works. This seems like an appropriate response to me, given your emotional state. If this were some guy you met on a quick trip to London and you spent three passionate days together,

I might say like get a friggin' grip, get some perspective. But you guys have a real relationship. You have history. It's been three years. You've seen each other every few months. It makes sense that you feel like your mourning. We mourn lots of things, relationships, jobs, cities, experiences, even if they haven't actually died.

And that morning, as painful as it is, it's healthy, it's necessary. That said, the situation you're in, your emotional state these days, obviously complicated, but your options here, they're surprisingly simple. Either you guys stay together until he can move to the states and you do that with eyes wide open, knowing that it will be frustrating and sad and lonely a lot of the time because you really are each other's people and that makes it worth it.

And you guys do some work separately and together to figure out this pattern, you know, why you pull away, why you lash out, why the resentment builds up, what the numbness is all about, and you find a way to stay connected even while you're apart or you guys agree to end your romantic relationship for the next two years, knowing that staying together is harder. But if you make that choice,

you have to know that you're accepting another sadness, another loss. The feelings are probably similar, but they have a different cause. Plus, they probably feel super heightened and dramatic because, like I said, you're basically living a Sundance movie right now. And that's what's so tough about this situation, that there's no escape from the pain.

You're in this very meaningful relationship with this guy, and whether you stay together or you break up, you're going to hurt. So the question is, which pain are you willing to feel? And how are you going to process that pain until you guys can get back together? Or, depending on what you decide to do, go your separate ways entirely. It sounds to me like you're leaning towards staying with him, or at least closing yourself off emotionally from new people, even if you are dating, because you know this is your guy. And that might actually be the right move. If your heart is telling you that that's your path, hey, listen to it. Just make sure that it really is your heart and not your fear or your grief or some other

conditioning. You really have to do some introspection to get clear on that. And also just give yourself some time, probably a few months, to make sure you have enough perspective on the situation. Right now, you're so caught up in it. It must be hard to see things clearly. But if you do decide to stay with your boyfriend, I'd encourage you to open up your thoughts about the suffering you feel right now. The pain doesn't just have to be this random, senseless,

all-consuming agony about the laws and the bureaucracy and the obligations standing in your way. It can also be a confirmation of your feelings for this guy. The reason that you know it's worth waiting for him, maybe even an opportunity to get closer to each other by sharing those feelings, talking them out, letting him in while you're apart instead of pulling away. And I know that might sound simplistic, but in a situation where you just can't erase the pain, finding meaning in it, that's usually your best bet. And if you can do that, I think you'll learn a lot about yourself and also find a lot more peace in this chaotic situation. Oh man, that is so well said, Jordan. I mean, you're right. She's hurting either way, so she might as well understand the hurt

and hopefully help it fix the relationship or bring them closer together. At the same time, though, I do feel the urge to give her just a little perspective. So look, COVID regulations, they're changing all the time. In general, countries are opening up. In fact, I think since you wrote in, the travel regulations have changed to the UK, so you might be able to see your guy now. So maybe a huge piece of the situation has somewhat resolved. I can't imagine borders staying closed for more than a few months now that we're at this point. Although, look, with Omicron, who knows what's happening? I don't know. Nobody knows. You might end up quarantining together if you both get COVID, but whatever. That's a different movie. That one's a little more Hallmark Channel, I think, if you ask me. But also, if you do decide to see other people for a couple of years, even if there are people you know you're not going to end up with, that might not be the worst idea in the world. I mean, I'm not trying to gloss over how complicated the situation is. And I'm definitely not telling you, you know, don't worry about this. Just turn this heartbreaking obstacle into a ho phase or whatever. But it might make things a little bit easier to casually date other people until you guys can be back together and you don't have to deal with this

back and forth. Are we together? Are we not together? Can we be in the same place? It's just, that's the painful part. But I don't know, Jordan. Maybe I'm saying that. because I've never been in love the way this woman is in love. Definitely not with somebody halfway across the world. Maybe thinking about dating other people as like a knife in the heart. But if it's just a bit of fun and it's a way to feel like your life isn't completely on hold because the other person is stuck in another country, that might be a good move. I would just be totally up front with the people you date about your situation so you know, so you're not misleading anybody or hurting anyone. Yeah, I don't know. I see your point. But if they decide to do that, then they're inviting

the very real possibility that they meet somebody else they really like. and they just never end up together. And that's risky. If I were this guy and that happened, I'd be gutted. But on the other hand, hey, go get some strange, am I right? Well, exactly. And I hear you and I get it. But they're already doing that, right?

She's dating this new guy. She's saying that she can't feel with him what she felt with her ex. She feels like she and her ex are going to end up together no matter what. That could change with time or with a different person. But I don't know. It sounds to me like she knows they're going to end up together. So dating other people, like, what's the harm? Yeah, I guess none, as long as they're on the same page about the rules, but then if she's convinced that she's going to end up with her ex, that probably means she's still talking to him, right?

Which means she's sort of like emotionally cheating with anyone knew that she dates. And again, like you said, it's all about the communication. She just has to be up front. So there you have it. There's no way out of this situation. There are just better and worse ways to move through this situation. And no, you're not a bad person for not being strong enough to make this long-distance relationship work. This would be hard for anyone. I just think you need to get clear on what feelings and

opportunity costs you're willing to accept on the road back to your guy. And once you're clear on that, find the best way to understand them and cope with them so that they don't drag you down for the next two years. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It is incredibly sad and stressful, but here's the silver lining. If you guys do end up together, this is going to be a huge part of your story. Like you'll be telling at dinner parties and in your wedding vows and it'll be all charming and romantic and in a weird way you might even be grateful

for the time that you were apart because it made you appreciate each other even more or grow closer in a new and different way. Or you'll end up with some dude from Boise you met on Hinge and you'll end up living on a ranch. I mean, just playing. Having a laugh so everyone listening right now is and sobbing in the car. Like I said, you're living in a

movie. Hang in there. We're wishing you the best and we're sending you and your other half good thoughts. And Gabe, when I was college, I had a long-distance relationship with a girl who moved to Japan that ended up not being easy. We dated for several years in college, and she's like, I'm going to go live in Japan, and we'll stay together while I'm gone. And we were like, I was like, yeah. And then when she moved, I was like, this sucks. By the time she got back, I did visit her, but by the time she got back, we were totally different people. We'd grown apart. It wasn't even remotely a fit at all anymore.

I won't say it wasn't sad at all. It was sort of sad. but it was just a part of growing up at that point. Totally. I don't know what my point was, but it doesn't matter. Because you know what can come and snuggle you at night, regardless of COVID restrictions, the sponsors who support this show.

This is the Jordan Harbinger show, and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back. And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Hey, guys. I've only had two jobs in my life, and all my colleagues at both of them said that I am very nice

and that everyone appreciates that quality about me. At the same time, though, managers always asked me to do the odd jobs that nobody else wanted to do. At my first job at a store, for example, my manager would make me take out the trash, make sure the bathrooms were spotless, and check if any aisles had accidents. And my second job as a delivery driver, I was also asked to help the workers up front and take out the trash for hours each day. It got to the point where another manager had to take her aside and tell her she needed to rely on somebody else because she was taking me away from my duties and I was becoming overworked. That turned into a fight over how I spend

my time, and after that exchange, the first manager made me do those jobs a lot less, but still tries to make me do them without any sign of appreciation. As the great Ian Fleming said, once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action. I don't want to be pushed around by someone, but I also don't want to lose that trademark kindness that everybody loves about me. So, any ideas on how I can be nice while still being assertive? Signed walking the line while growing a spine. Good question. It's possible that these managers are taking advantage of you because you're so easygoing. But it's also possible that your great attitude, which is, by the way, a rare quality to find in most workplaces. That makes these people want to rely on you because you're

so positive and probably good at what you do. It's sort of a case of no good deed goes unpunished. The better the employee, the more work gets dropped on them. And honestly, I suspect it's probably a mix of both of those. Your managers are dumping work on you because they know you'll do a good job with a smile on your face, but they might not respect or even recognize your limits because you're so agreeable. So what you have to figure out is if you're being taken advantage of and walked all over, or if you're being trusted and needed. And I think you know in your gut when it's one or the other. For example, the manager who still makes you do those odd jobs without any sign of appreciation, that doesn't sound very cool at all. Probably she sees somebody who

won't say no and would rather give you the work than hire a whole other person who she should actually hire to do that type of job. She could be straight up taking advantage of you, but then again, she could also just be not a very nice person. Those are different things. But this really comes down to your job description. You're a delivery driver, and they're asking you to help the other workers up front take out the trash for hours each day. Your manager said that was taking you away from your duties, which makes it sound like all of that other work was in addition to your real job. So, yeah, it kind of sounds to me like free labor. And also, don't drivers mostly work on tips? I don't know. Gabe, what do you think?

Yeah, Jordan, I see your point, but I also think there's something to be said for finding ways to be helpful, even if it's outside of your job description. Sure. Like, if this guy's just standing around playing Candy Crush while he waits for deliveries to be prepared, I mean, why not help out and take out the trash and try to help, you know, add a little value? But I'm on level 3,000. Well, it definitely depends what level in Candy Crush you're in.

But that aside, to me, that's a great quality in an employee. That's part of this awesome personality that he has, right? So, okay, but yeah, you do have a point. As soon as they're basically pushing two different jobs on this guy and only paying him for one, it does become exploitative. There is a difference between offering to take out the trash a few times a day on your way back to your car and being forced to take out the trash for hours a day when that's explicitly not what you were hired for. So you just have to balance that desire to be helpful with

some reasonable boundaries. And I would draw those boundaries at the moment you feel that you're truly being exploited and undercompensated. You might be surprised by how quickly your managers back down when they realize that you will stand up for yourself if they push you too far, but you need to get clear first on what you do want to do and what you don't want to do. I think you're right, Gabe. It's also possible that these managers aren't even thinking about whether it's too much because they're busy with 30 other important things. But here's an idea. Now that you've built up so much goodwill doing all this work, what if you just went to your managers and said, look, I love helping out with all this other stuff? I'm glad it's useful to

you. I'd like to keep doing it. But it's pretty clear that this is a whole other job in addition to my delivery duties. So I'd like to ask you to pay me for that time. And just see what they say. Maybe they'll be happy to pay one person more for two jobs than hire a totally new employee, which also comes with its own costs. Or maybe they'll be like, sorry, no, this isn't a whole other job. We just really need you to be a team player right now, pal. And then you know that you're really being taken advantage of at that point.

And then you can just either decide to stop doing that extra work or find a workplace that treats you better. But either way, I really, really encourage you to hang on to your kindness and your positive attitude. It's a gift. You just need to balance that with some healthy self-respect. You don't have to be a dick to have boundaries. You can be nice and you can be assertive.

And I think this is your opportunity to learn how. So good luck. Gabe, now, by the way, great time to set a boundary at work. Because if they blow a gasket and they let you go, which is highly unlikely, but you never know. Or they give you a bunch of attitude about it. You can find another job that day. You can drive from your former job to another restaurant on the same road and be like,

y'all hiring, and they will hire you with a raise. So for anyone who's been procrastinating, putting their foot down at work, now is probably one of the best times ever to go ahead and do that. I can't even tell you how many restaurants around my area have signs on the door that are like, needed dishwasher, $20 an hour. Or like, we're only open for lunch because we don't have enough staff to cover dinner. If you want a job, call this number. Like there are pieces of paper all over the Bay Area with that on it. So I think now's a great time to be like, you know what? I'm not taking out the trash.

I'm a delivery driver, and if you don't like it, hire a trash boy. You know, hire a trash person. If they don't like that attitude, then just bounce. That's a good boundary. I would deliver it kindly, of course. But by the way, if you're joining us for the first time, or you're looking for a handy way to tell your friends about the show, the starter packs are the way to do it.

They're collections of favorite episodes organized by popular topic to help new listeners get a taste of everything we do here on the show. Just visit jordanharbinger.com slash start to get started. All right, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, last year, my aunt passed away due to a combination of COVID and health complications. Four months later, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer

and she still can't kick her habit of smoking. On top of that, my father is elderly, diabetic, and declining in health. This past year, I've been surrounded with reminders of the impending death of my loved ones and what's to come once they're gone. I can't stop thinking about losing important people in my life and now it's affecting the time I spend with them while I still have it. So how do I stop planning for the inevitable and start enjoying the time I have with those close to me?

Signed, the reluctant eschatologist. Ah, man. Well, first of all, I'm so sorry that you've been going through all of this loss and medical drama lately. That it sounds so intense. And I'm very sorry that you had to say goodbye to your aunt as well. Maybe even tougher is watching your parents go through their own serious health struggles and just refuse to take care of themselves. Your mom, anyway.

On top of that being scary and sad, it is infuriating. So I get why you're feeling so much sadness and anxiety. You're asking such a profound question. I'm almost hesitant to answer it because I know whatever I say is just going to sound trite, but I guess it's trite, in part because it's true. So whatever, I'll just say it.

What you're experiencing, this realization that the people you care about will die, that things will be different when they're gone. I know that's an upsetting thought, but it's also the key to living your life in the best possible way. Because you're right, they will die. I hope it doesn't happen soon. I hope mom and dad start taking better care of themselves and buy themselves as many years as possible. But one way or another, we're all going to the same place. And it sounds to me like that thought is so stressful that it's overshadowing all of your interactions. You want to push it away because it feels like an obstacle

to enjoying the time that you do have with them, to being close. But I would actually argue the opposite, that the realization, it isn't an obstacle to closeness, it's the reason for closeness. The more you accept that the time you have with the people you love is limited, the more precious that time becomes. You don't want to waste a second of it. You won't be living under the illusion most people live in, which is that you have that time and that opportunity forever. So when you say that this new awareness is affecting the time you spend with your loved ones, I say, great. It should affect the time you spend with them. That's the whole point. That's the whole point. Our time together is finite.

We just live in denial of that fact because the thought is so friggin' intense. You can choose to let it affect the time you spend with them negatively by obsessing over the fact that one day they're going to die, or you can let it affect your time positively by inviting that realization into every moment that you have with them and making every moment count, which is obviously the way to go.

If you do that, I'm not saying you won't be sad anymore. I'm not saying you'll stop being angry at your mom, but I promise that getting friendly with this thought, it'll allow you to feel sad and joyful, angry and grateful. It'll give you access to all the feelings, not just the negative ones. But honestly, over time, gratitude tends to give you more of the good ones. So I say stop keeping that thought at bay. Invite it in. Don't harp on it more than you have to. Don't agonize over it. Just let it, I hate myself for saying this kind of, but open your heart, right? That's really all. all you have to do. I want to thank you for writing in and giving me a chance to remember that too.

It's so easy to forget and it's so important, especially for me as a parent. I'm definitely going to take that into my weekend and I hope y'all do as well. I hope everyone enjoyed this. I want to thank those who wrote in and everyone who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out Daniel Levin and Martin Cove. If you haven't heard those yet, if you want to know how I managed to book these folks on the show, it's all about the network. I use software, systems and tiny habits. I'm teaching you how to do it for free in our course six minute networking. The course is free. It's on the thinkific platform at jordanharbinger.com slash course. I'm teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty. This is very much worth your while.

A link to the show notes for the episode or at jordanharbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram or you can connect with me on LinkedIn. in. You can also find Gabe on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millio Campo, Josh Ballard, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions, those are our own. And I'm a lawyer, but not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody

else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. If you're looking for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger Show to sink your teeth into, here's a trailer for another episode that I think you might enjoy. Sleep is not an optional lifestyle luxury. Sleep is a non-negotiable biological necessity. Sleep is a life support system. It is Mother Nature's best effort yet at immortality. And the decimates. And the decimates, of sleep throughout industrialized nations is now having a catastrophic impact on our health, our wellness, as well as the safety in the education of our children. It is a silent sleep-loss

epidemic, and I would contend that it is fast becoming the greatest public health challenge that we now face in the 21st century. The evidence is very clear that when we delay school start times, academic grades increase, behavioral problems decrease, truancy rates decrease, psychological and psychiatric issues decrease. But what we also found, which we didn't expect in those studies, is the life expectancy of students increased. So if our goal as educators truly is to educate and not risk lives in the process,

then we are failing our children in the most spectacular manner with this incessant model of early school start times. And by the way, 7.30am for a teenager is the equivalent for an adult waking up at first. 4.30 or 3.30 in the morning. If you're trying to survive or regularly getting five hours of sleep or less, you have a 65% risk of dying at any moment in time. When you wake up the next day, you have a revised mind-wide web of associations. A new associative network, a rebooted iOS that is capable of defining remarkable insights into previously impenetrable problems. And it is the reason that you have

never been told to stay awake on a problem. Instead, you're told to sleep on a problem. For more on sleep, including why we dream and how we can increase the quality of our sleep, check out episode number 126 with Dr. Matthew Walker here on the Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format.

Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love,

and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb

and start listening. You can thank me later.