The Jordan Harbinger Show - 624: Is She Moving Abroad for a Friend or a Fraud? | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: February 11, 2022

You're concerned your 21-year-old daughter is making a mistake by moving abroad to be with her Bahrain beau of five years -- especially since they've only corresponded remotely and have never been face-to-face in real life. You can't outright forbid her to leave as she's an adult now, but is there any way you can get her to reconsider the gravity of what she may be getting herself into? We'll try to find answers to this and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/624 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: How can you convince your 21-year-old daughter she may be making a huge mistake by moving abroad to be with the Bahrain beau she's never actually met in real life? How can gently turn down writing a letter of recommendation for someone whose countless character flaws make them someone with whom you don't want your name associated? Over the past 10 years, your once-athletic spouse has become clinically obese. The doctor has warned that this is a perfect recipe for diabetes and heart disease, but to no avail. How can you bring up losing weight and leading a healthier lifestyle without sounding like a superficial a-hole? You have an offer for your dream job, but it would mean a $40,000 pay cut and a move across the country -- something your significant other is dead-set against. And if you turn down the offer, you'll likely be barred from joining the organization in the future and lose some valuable links in your network. What's your best option? You know therapy might be effective in helping you through your depression if you could only find the right therapist. How do you go about finding someone who's the right fit? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy med yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to checkout is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday, producer, the downline in our advice-based multi-level marketing scam over here, Gabriel Mizrahi. Yep, yep.

I'm about three Feedback Fridays away from my heavily discounted cruise or something like that. Yeah, that or like a pink Cadillac. Do they still do that? If you have a pink Cadillac from your cosmetics multi-level marketing scam, and that's still a thing, email me and let me know, Jordan Harbinger. Like, yeah, won't be able to sleep until I find that out. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most

fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. So we want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. Our mission on the show is to help you become a better-informed, more critical thinker, so you can get a deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind. If you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions.

The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, performers. This week, we had Ishmael Beah. This guy, amazing story, Gabe. He was a child soldier in a brutal civil war in Africa. Like, not like I joined the military. He just got separated from his family and they're like, well, you can either starve to death and get killed and torture. you can fight in this militia against this other militia. Wow.

It's the most brutal, crazy thing that I've ever heard. Escaping from North Korea, wow, those episodes make you go, holy crap, my life is so. This guy, it's like I would rather go to North Korea and have to live there than be in this guy's situation. But his story was absolutely incredible, totally worth the listen. And we had Ludacris, the one and only ludicrous, really enjoyed the opportunity to speak with him. We had some tech issues on that one, but it was still a heck of a lot of fun.

I highly recommend checking out the episodes from this week. I also write every so often on the blog. My latest post, positives to take with you out of the pandemic. This one's all about the unexpected benefits and hidden gifts of this crazy period. We all know the pandemic was, yeah, brutal. No two ways about it, but it also generated a ton of new insights, habits, opportunities, truly life-changing stuff, whether you wanted to change your life or not. So that's what I get into in the article.

The upsides you can focus on in the pandemic, how you can harness them to make your life happier, more fulfilling, more resilient. And you can find that article and all of our articles at jordanharbinger.com slash articles. So make sure you've had a look and a listen to everything

that we created for you here this week. All right, Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hello, Jordan and Gabe. My daughter, who is 21, just informed me that she will be moving in a few short months to live with her online boyfriend,

a Saudi national, living in Bahrain. Her mother thinks it's a crazy idea, and so do I. She and her online boyfriend have never met in person but have apparently been talking for the last five years or so. The only thing she's mentioned about this guy is that he's going to school to become a pilot while also earning money from the stock market. I'm not sure if this is some kind of sweetheart scam because he hasn't asked her for money. He's apparently sent her money to help pay her bills.

Why is this guy who has never even met my daughter willing to pay for her to fly all the way over there to live with him? My daughter's a nice girl, but she struggles with depression and insecurity. I worry that he's somehow taking advantage of her. She's very Americanized, and I'm also concerned that she will not do well over there. There's little I can do to stop her as she is an adult, and I want to be happy for her, but I'm also scared that something really bad could happen to her. Am I right to be concerned? Is this possibly a human trafficking scam?

Signed, a slack-jawed paw in awe at the slipshod jaunt abroad. Okay, well, quite the name there. This is a wild story. No two ways around it. First of all, I completely understand your fear about all this. Even if this whole relationship turns out to be on the up and up, your 21-year-old daughter moving halfway around the world to be with a guy she met on the internet when she was 16? Yeah, that is worrisome.

That is intense. We don't know how old this guy is. Maybe he's the same age, but Gabe, I'm getting this sort of weird image that he's older. I don't know. As a father myself, I'm just, I'm on edge here. It must be incredibly hard for you to watch your daughter go off and make this huge, unusual, potentially risky decision. But whether this move is actually dangerous now that she's an adult, all right, well,

let's get into it. So on the one hand, the story isn't all bad. Your daughter's boyfriend, he's training to be a pilot, solid job, he's earning money from the stock market, or so he says, hard to know if that's true. He's not asking her for money. he's actually sending her money, so it doesn't sound like a scam, or if it is a scam, the guy's a terrible scammer, or he's playing the long game and he's actually a really amazing scammer.

But in my experience, scammers don't look that far ahead. They're interested in the easy wins, the lowest cost targets. If they can squeeze $1,200 out of a victim before they catch on, they'll do it, and then they'll just move on to the next person. So given the facts here, the guy doesn't sound like a garden variety sweetheart scammer, But there are definitely some worrisome factors at play here. Your daughter hasn't actually met this guy in person. And she's moving from the United States to friggin' Bahrain in the Middle East to be with him.

She struggles with depression, with insecurity. So it's possible, and I'm just speculating a little here, that she thinks this is the only guy who will ever love her, that she can't find a partner close to home. And maybe there's some scarcity mentality there, which is never good because it causes you to make down. desperate decisions and disregard other concerns. And once she's there, who knows what can happen? I want to believe this dude is a nice person that you'd see on, kind of like, 90-day fiance

or whatever, who just happen to meet your daughter in an unconventional way, but you never know. I'm not saying he's going to put her in a shipping container the moment she lands, but there are tons of unknowns here. I mean, is he going to be a good partner to her? Is she going to be safe over there, is his family going to welcome her? Does she know other people in Bahrain who can help her if something goes wrong? And if something did go wrong, would the local authorities do anything? Would you know how to even get in touch with them? There are just so many questions. And like you said, moving to Bahrain, that'll be a huge change for her, just on a cultural level. But it's interesting. That's actually the least of my concerns. Look, there's a lot of positive things you could say about

Bahrain. It's pretty westernized in many ways. It's got a lot to offer, but that's neither here nor there. I'm actually kind of impressed that your super Americanized daughter has the courage to take such a big leap. I'm not saying it's smart, but it does speak to a certain curiosity and confidence in your daughter that might not be 100% bad. So credit where credits do here. But yeah, if this were my daughter, I would be very concerned. So my advice is to have a real heart to heart with your daughter about all of this. I would start by telling her what you told us, which is that there's nothing you can actually do to stop her from going. She's an adult.

You want her to be happy. And if she feels that this is the right move, you might be able to support it. And that'll make her feel heard. It'll lower her defenses so she doesn't go into this conversation thinking, oh, my dad, he doesn't get it. He just wants to keep me at home. He doesn't care about how I feel.

And this is why I'm leaving. Then I would ask her to tell you about this guy. Ask her meaningful, open-ended questions. Suspend your judgment for an hour or two. ask her things like, you know, tell me, what do you like about this guy? What do you think your relationship will be like? How does he treat you? How do you know he's telling the truth about himself?

What kind of research have you done on this country? Are you worried about what might happen if things don't work out? And if they don't, what are you going to do? Try not to steer her to any conclusion just yet. Just ask her questions you want answers to and then just really, actually listen. It might be hard, especially as a dad, you're just like waiting to jump in. don't do that. Now, if she answers these questions openly and fully, you might realize you just don't have as much of a reason to worry as you thought. But if she can't really answer those

questions well, or her reasons for going aren't good ones, frankly, or she gets shifty and shuts down, I would just be very direct with her in that case. And I would say something like, listen, honey, you're thinking about making a huge move for somebody you don't really know, at least not in real life. And as your dad, it's my job to be a good parent and a good friend to you for that matter. I'm not trying to control you. I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but I'm not getting the sense that you've really thought this through. I don't know this guy. I'm not clear on what's drawing you to him. I don't know what'll happen if things don't go as planned. How am I supposed to make sure you're safe? Can you see why I'm concerned? And then hopefully she'll either answer your

questions better, or she'll realize she's gotten way out over her skis, and then you have to help ground her again. Give her some perspective. Yeah, make sure she's not about to walk into a crazy situation. And if you hear anything in your daughter's response that speaks to that depression or that insecurity you mentioned, I would definitely try to explore that with her. Like, I don't know, she says, Dad, I just can't meet anyone here. Nobody likes me. I feel lost. I feel down about myself. This guy, he's really nice to me. We talk all the time. That is. is something I would dig into. I would try to help her see that her feelings about this guy

might be directly related to her feelings about herself. Maybe you can show her how to separate those two things and make sure that she's moving across the world for the right reasons. I know that's a tall order. It's an especially tall order for you as dad. That's really something she should be doing with a therapist, but since you're the last line of defense here,

I mean, you gotta try. Yeah, seriously. And the other thing that's really concerning about all of this is that you as her father, haven't even met this guy. So you got to bring that up in this conversation too. Like I got to say, honey, I am uneasy that you're moving to Bahrain for a guy you've never met in person, a guy we haven't even Skyped with. I mean, don't you think that would be a good idea before you fly out there? Jordan, before you move halfway around the world with someone, I mean, you take a vacation together

first, right? Or at least go there for a couple weeks. You get a hotel, you hang out, see if the relationship actually works in person. Like, this is legit crazy what she's doing. It just seems incredibly reckless on an emotional level. It is. It totally is. She's going straight to 11 for no reason. And actually, that's one of the things that worries me the most. Even if nothing truly dangerous happens to her, I think this impulsiveness speaks to those qualities that dad is concerned about. The same qualities that could make her a target. Yes, exactly. So what I'm wondering is, why hasn't she introduced her parents to this guy? I mean, it's an interesting question. Is it because she's worried that they'll disapprove and they'll try to talk her out of it? Or is it because

her parents maybe have a history of disapproving of her decisions and she's trying to carve out her own identity here? Or I don't know, maybe is it because she doesn't want to know if this guy's bad news? She just wants to protect the fantasy that she has. It's hard to say. But, you know, Jordan, now that we're talking about it, I'm also kind of weirded out by the fact that her boyfriend hasn't asked to meet her parents before she flies out. That's what a thoughtful partner would do. But that's not what he's doing. He's just booking her a one-way ticket on Etty Hot Airways using his friends and family discount. I find that also a little worrisome. Yeah, that's a great point. It's another huge red flag here. So, yeah, I think it's time for you and your wife to have a mini intervention

with your daughter. You might not be able to stop her from doing this, but you can definitely help her see her situation more objectively. My goal would be to get her to pump the brakes a little and find the easiest, safest way to meet this guy for the first time. If you try to break them up from the jump, I have a feeling your daughter will reject your help and just fly out there. But if you don't try to break them up, you just help her understand her reasons better and take care of herself, then this could be a good conversation.

And hey, here's an idea. Maybe you offer to fly out there with her for a week or two. You guys book a hotel, you stay close to her, maybe you have a few meals with this guy, make sure that this is all on the up and up. I know she's an adult. I know it's her choice. But given her personality, she might need a little more handholding here so she doesn't end up in a bad situation.

And when you guys all go to dinner, I would maybe ask him a few questions about the stock market and also about his pilot training. You know, just basic stuff, play dumb, like, you know, what sectors are you into? Which trading platform are you using these days? You know, what's the bar in Bhaerin Bors like? See how he reacts. If he can even answer your questions with like a minimum level of familiarity. You'll probably know in about 30 seconds if he's lying about the day trading stuff. Yeah, that's a good idea, game. Definitely suss this guy out. Like, is he trying to be a pilot for real, or is he a baggage handler at the airport who owns 10 friggin shares of Nabizco and is trying to get five different American girls to fly out just so he can get a blue passport?

All that said, as I mentioned before, Bahrain is very liberal compared to, well, Saudi Arabia, which is very restrictive to women and, frankly, to everyone. and there are some disturbing power dynamics between Bahraini and Saudi men and women, foreign or not. And so I did a little research. Apparently, no laws exist in Bahrain, no real sort of enforced laws exist in Bahrain to protect women from gender-based violence.

If a man assaults a female relative, he may face a few days in jail, but then only has to sign a pledge and pay a fee, which is like $200, by the way. Even more, spousal rape is legal. And a rapist may avoid punishment if he agrees to marry his victim sometimes against her will, by the way. Also in Bahrain, a married woman can travel abroad without her husband's permission,

but her husband can apply to court to ban her travel. And I also called the Bahraini embassy today, and the operator was slightly confused with my questions, but he was a good sport. And I found out that it's not legal, of course, for this guy to lock your daughter up or bar her from leaving the country. But if they ever have kids, he can keep the children in Bahrain, and she cannot take them out of the country without his explicit permission. So that's another layer of problem here.

But the fact that this guy is a Saudi national, that is another huge concern. And look, no shade on Saudi fans of the show, et cetera. I'm sure a lot of y'all are great people. But if he ever gets her to visit Saudi Arabia, her rights get cut down even more, and she cannot travel anywhere without her husband's permission. She needs to be aware that leaving Saudi Arabia requires the permission of the Saudi male head of her household. Unmarried women require the permission of their father or male guardian, which will be this guy. And yes, the U.S. Embassy can request permission to leave on behalf of an

adult American woman married to a Saudi national, but the sources I spoke to and read said there's just no guarantee of success there. So yes, she can get trapped there and there's no way for her to leave unless he wants her to or allows her to, which is frigging terrifying. So if your daughter is determined to be with this guy, I would do tons and tons of vetting on him. Have him come to the U.S. first. Meet him in a public place, get to know him. Or maybe you go there with her for a week or whatever, but make sure she knows what she's getting into. I would also work with her to find one or two trusted people who can stay close with her, people who are not connected to her boyfriend, so she has a lifeline if things ever go south. A good network and an uncertain situation in a

foreign place can be a literal lifesaver. Also, I would register with the U.S. embassy there, let them know your daughter is there in case you or she needs help. They cannot do much for you, but it's better than nothing. But all of that is really secondary to the fact that she is considering traveling to any foreign country to be with some dude that she met online. There are enough catfish episodes on MTV and true crime shows out there to know that she should not do this alone, at least not yet. But at the end of the day, you might have to let your daughter go and figure this out for herself. I just hope she does all the diligence that she needs to mitigate the risks. So good luck, my friend. We're wishing

you all the best. You know who won't pray on your insecurities and lure you to a Middle Eastern Kingdom? The sponsors who help support this show. We'll be right back. You're listening to Feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger show. We'll be right back. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. Who doesn't love some good products and or services. You can always visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now back to Feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show. All right, next up. Hey guys. A person I worked with a long time ago just approached me about applying to my grad school program. He wants me to speak highly of him to the admissions officers and tell them that we know each other

very well when, in fact, this guy hasn't talked to me in three years. It's not like I would badmouth him in front of the committee, but in my mind, I know this person. person is not a good fit for our program. When we work together, he lied, he manipulated his way around tasks, and he was way too competitive to be considered a good teammate. He can present as a cocky, dismissive person, and honestly, I don't want my name associated with his. How do I set myself apart from him while gently declining the recommendation letter? Signed, to whom it definitely does concern. Ah, yes. The old, how do I say no to a recommendation letter for the total asshole I used to work with, conundrum. Been there a few times myself, and it's always super awkward. So here's my policy on this

kind of thing. If someone asks you for a rec letter and you don't feel comfortable writing one for whatever reason, I would say something like, hey, really cool that you're going for this job slash program slash fellowship. I know what a hustle it is to apply. Good on you. Unfortunately, I just can't write a recommendation letter right now. I hope you can find someone else who can support your application, wishing you the best. Just leave it at that. Given the way he behaved with you in the past, that is totally fair. That'll probably be the end of the story, but if he comes back like, wait, why not? I really need this. Can I do anything to convince you? Then I would say you have license to tell him your reasons if, of course, you actually even want to, especially if the guy's being

super pushy. You might say something like, listen, here's the deal. We haven't spoken to each other in years, so I don't know you or your work very well. And frankly, when we did work together, my memory is that you lied frequently, you wiggled out of doing work, and you were overly competitive. You came across as kind of cocky, a little dismissive. It never really felt like we were teammates. And I'm not bringing this up to make you feel bad, okay? It's all water under the bridge as far as I'm concerned, but since you're asking, this is why. I just don't see how I could write a helpful rec letter when that was my experience with you. And I want to give you the chance to find somebody who can write a better one. I know that might seem kind of cruel.

But if the guy keeps pressing you, I just, you're well within your rights to be candid. And you being honest with him, it might actually be the greatest gift that you can give him. If he even has an ounce of self-awareness, he'll hear that and go, wow, okay, I guess I really need to think about how I show up at work and how I treat people. And if he's willing to act on that advice, you might literally change his life. Not that it's your job to, just saying sometimes that's the power of delivering tough feedback. On a broader level, I love your question because it's a great opportunity for anyone listening right now to realize how much groundwork goes into a favor like this. If you know you want to

ask somebody for a rec letter or make an introduction for you in a year, start investing in that relationship now. I'm not going to go all six-minute networking on you, but also I'm absolutely going to go six-minute networking on you. The situation with this guy, this is the textbook example of not digging the well before you're thirsty and also shoveling a ton of garbage into the well because you're a cocky, avoidant, toxic jerkface. So do not be this guy. If you want a relationship with somebody who can help you out down the line, start helping them out now, not with an immediate expectation of them doing you a solid, but to deepen your relationship in general. And whatever you do, don't ask them for help if you've mistreated them in the past. That is just a massive blind spot.

And hearing this person's letter, this is an amazing glimpse into what it's like for the other person when you put them in that position. Gabe, what I'm wondering is, should this person speak to the grad program advisors and warn them that this guy is bad news? I mean, you'd hate to have this guy admitted, and now he has it out for you because you told him you wouldn't write him a letter and or gave him harsh feedback. It seems like when it comes to bad candidates like this, you should actually prevent them from ending up in your workplace as opposed to just not help. helping them get accepted in the first place. Ooh, that is a great question. I honestly don't know the answer to that. That's a tough one.

I mean, is it her job to prevent him from having access to opportunities because he was a bit of a dick in the past? You could say that it is because it could stop him from getting into a position of power where he, like, continues to get opportunities, even though he continues to be a bad person. But on the other hand, if we were all judged by the worst thing we've ever done, like, what if he hated that job? What if he isn't the same person anymore? And he deserves another chance.

Like, she doesn't necessarily owe it to him to give him a leg up, but does she owe it to humanity to get in his way? I don't know. That's a tough one. Yeah. I mean, you know how you've had crap professors in college? And you just think, how did this guy get this far? And the answer is every student that had him was like, oh, this is the worst.

He's so unfair and he does all this dumb stuff and he does all this unethical, whatever. But I don't know. I'm two weeks out. I don't care anymore. I'm just going to be done with this soon. Never think about it again. And that times 1,000 is why you have crap professors and terrible bosses in many ways and, you know, administrators that don't give a crap or are actively trying to hurt people. The other thing is I was, honestly, I wasn't even thinking about like, you need to punish this guy and stop him.

I was thinking more, do you want to be in a workplace with somebody who now absolutely hates your guts because they think that you are out to get them? So they're going to get to you for it. I was thinking more like C-Y-A versus make sure the universe has balanced and just. Right. That's an excellent point. Honestly, I think it probably comes down to how bad this guy really was and also what this woman's personal ethics are. If she's very protective of her program and she wants to make sure that there are very specific type of people getting in there and this guy is not that type of person, maybe that does warrant a conversation with the admissions committee or whatever. But I don't know. I think it's situation to situation. It's a great question, though. I'd say do what feels right, what you believe is right, and protect yourself and the program as best you can. By the way, I've never told this story before. When I applied to law school at Michigan, after I got in, I went to former Yugoslavia for a year, and I got a random call from the admissions office, literally like six months into my trip.

And it was Dean Z from the University of Michigan Law School. And she goes, hi, so, have you been applying to other places? Because as you know, you signed a pledge not to do that, and we're holding your spot. And it's very unethical if you applied to other law schools. and we would have to revoke your spot. And I went, no, absolutely not. Why do you think that? And she goes, well, somebody told us that you were doing that.

Weird. And I was like, nope, I'm 1,000% committed to Michigan. I'm over here in Yugoslavia working, and I'm naughty. I haven't even been thinking about it other than being excited to go. And she goes, okay, great. Well, that was all. Have a fun trip. And we'll see it in the fall or summer, whatever it was.

And I remember thinking, holy crap, someone's trying to get my admissions revoked. from the university. And I to this day have no idea who it was. Oh my God, that's so frustrating. I don't want to know who it was. Wow. Me too. And I also wonder,

who didn't like me enough and also knew I was going there? Like the only people that knew I was going there were friends of mine. So the sad as scary as part is it's obviously a close enough friend of mine that got so enraged or so jealous or envious that they did that.

Damn. That is a weird story. Yeah. Like, I suppose it could have been one of my parents' friends, but like, why would they do that? That makes no sense at all. I totally thought you were not to say, it could have been one of my parents, but whatever. I mean, my dad really didn't want me to know. No, I don't know.

It's such a weird thing. To this day, I'm like, one day I'm going to go back to Michigan when Dean Zierfoss is retired and get her liquored up and be like, who wasn't? Tell me, go to the admissions office right now and check my file. Yeah. I'm so curious. Anyway, you can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com, especially if you know who ratted me out. or at least ratted me out with a bunch of nonsense to Dean Zirfaus.

Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a whole lot easier. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on life, love, work, what to do if your so-called friend made a move on you while you were passed out. Still thinking about that one from last week, Gabe. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com.

We're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous. All right. What's next? I've been together with my significant other for over a decade. She used to be really athletic and healthy, but college, parting, graduating, and working long hours have changed her lifestyle to the point where she is now obese. Now she started experiencing pain in her back and knees, which I think are a result of her obesity, but she thinks are a result of her getting older. We're both in our mid-30s and I've never experienced these aches and pains as a healthily weighted athletic person. I feel

like she's in denial and I fear that things might get more severe and she'll develop diabetes or heart disease later on. She recently went to see a doctor and the doctor told her that she was clinically obese and that she should do something about it if she wants to stay healthy. I thought the doctor's statement would have had some effect, but it hasn't. I love her with all my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I'd rather the rest of our life be as healthy as possible in this regard. How can I bring up losing weight and leading a healthier lifestyle without sounding like a superficial a-hole. I have to confess that I'd be lying

if I said I didn't have any superficial reasons for wanting her to take care of herself, but mainly the reasons are that I want her to live a long life. Or is this maybe a conflict I should engage in? Signed, tipping the scales. Oh, okay, really tough situation. And pretty sad for your partner, talking to anyone about their weight is always fraught.

But talking to a woman about her weight, especially when it's gotten as bad, that can be a friggin' mindfield. and I do not envy your being in this situation. But here's the thing. It's not like your partner gained 20 pounds after having a baby and you're being a dick

about how she looks in a swimsuit. Your partner is literally clinically obese and experiencing physical consequences as a result. A friggin' doctor is telling her that she needs to change course ASAP or she'll be in big trouble and you're worried about her medically. I mean, this is a real problem.

So no, you're not a superficial a-hole. The greater part of your reason is that your partner is in trouble. And I know we live in a culture now that tiptoes around this conversation. It's not PC or whatever to talk about body types that are literally unhealthy and life-threatening. That is crazy to me.

If someone you love is 10 years away from a myocardial infarction because they're guzzling margaritas and smashing a pizza every night and not making time to move their body a few times a week, you're not an A-hole for helping them see what they're doing to themselves.

In fact, I think you're in a-hole not to point this out and help them change. So, yeah, I would have absolutely sit down with your partner and talk to her about all this, and talk to her about this. And I think a really great way to begin would be to say to her what you said to us, that you love her with all your heart, that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, and that you want that life to be as healthy and long as possible. Honestly, I can't think of a better way to frame this conversation. Then tell her what you're noticing, gently, kindly, but honestly,

that she's not taking care of herself, that she's putting herself at serious risk, that she's telling herself a story about her pain that is clearly inaccurate, that she's ignoring medical advice from a doctor who's confirming all of this, and that she's putting you in the very difficult position of watching the person you love, mistreat herself, and compromise the future you guys both want. Then, give her a chance to talk. She already knows this is a problem. She's just in denial. She's probably quite ashamed about it, and I'm guessing she's too overwhelmed by the changes she'll have to make to begin. It really is a vicious cycle that keeps people stuck in a lifestyle like this. The psychology of extreme weight gain is very complex. It can be very toxic,

and I do feel for her, whatever she's got going on beneath the surface. So invite her to tell you what this has been like for her. If she tells you that she wants to change, but she's too scared to start, tell her that you understand that feeling, that it's okay and that you know she can do it. If she tells you she's dealing with a lot of shame, acknowledge that shame with her, welcome that feeling in, don't judge it. Basically, you have to make it safe for her to tell you what's holding her back and then work together to find a game plan for getting healthy again. Yes, definitely.

And a big part of that will be helping her unpack the feelings that are underneath the weight gain because the truth is you don't just gain like 100 pounds by accident, right? Something else has to be going on. Sure, lifestyle is playing a role, but there's usually something else. Maybe she's depressed and she's eating to comfort herself, very common. Could be a sort of protective thing, also very common. Maybe she's just so burned out at work and beyond stress and not sleeping and that's contributing to the weight gain. Or maybe she's hanging out with other unhealthy people and that's making her feel like it's okay to neglect herself.

We don't know obviously the full story, but there's always something beneath the outward symptoms. So help her figure that out. And eventually, I hope she decides to take this seriously and to lose the weight. and when she does, she's going to need your support. So I would tell her that you will be there for her, whatever that looks like. You could be her workout buddy. You could help her find a therapist. You guys could start cooking at home together so she isn't being tempted to hit the

drive-thru every night or whatever it is. Maybe you help her put some boundaries around work so she can exercise, take care of herself. All of this love that you say you feel for her, which really came through for me in the letter, you can put that into these ways of helping her through this transformation. But ultimately, your partner is the one who has to decide to make a real change. You can make her do anything. You can encourage her. You can support her.

You can be a wake-up call, and you should. But she's really the one who has to lead here. Right, which is a relief because, you know, boundaries, but also pretty hard because it's possible that she might not change. I know it's a big theme here on the show, so I won't belabor this, but watching people you love hurt themselves or get stuck and suffer when they could be doing something about it, that can be brutal. But that's all part of the process.

I hope your partner can get back to the person she was. She's really lucky to have you in her corner. So we're rooting for her and we're sending you both good thoughts. You know, it'll fit you no matter what size you are. The products and services that support this show. We'll be right back. This is the Jordan Harbinger show and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back back.

And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a 24-year-old data scientist and I've recently been contacted about a data science role with USA track and field. The hiring manager and I have been in contact frequently and it seems like I'm a shoe in for the role. They actually wrote the job description around my resume. I ran track all the way through college and continue to coach youth track to this day so this is basically a dream job. But there are a few drawbacks. The new role would require me to move from Philadelphia to Colorado. It

would be a salary decrease of $40,000 and my girlfriend of about a year is vehemently against moving. Her dream is to work in government, which in her mind requires a move to D.C. Her current job is also remote, so she is flexible to move, but she's also a bit of a homebody. At this point, if I turn down the new job, I'll most likely be barred from joining the organization in the future, and I'll lose an incredibly valuable connection or two. On the other hand, moving across the country would create some resentment with my girlfriend, even if it doesn't turn out to be the end of my relationship. So how do I go about making this decision, signed Clearing Hurdles.

Oh, man, this is a tough one. Either way, you face some pretty significant tradeoffs, no free lunch, am I right? I think this is what's so intense about life a lot of the time that there's rarely one clear path where you get everything you want. You're just constantly making choices that involve giving something up. But what's cool about these forks in the road is that there are also a chance to check in with yourself and get clear on what you really, really want, what really matters to you. It's stressful, I know, but it's also exciting. So obviously, we can't tell you what to do here. We can only tell you how to make this choice. And how you make this choice is you sit down for a few hours, or you go for a hike or a run, or wherever you can go to

be alone with yourself, and you look at your two options. What are the upsides? What are the downsides? Which things matter most to you? Is it less money in fulfillment, or is it more money in your relationship as it stands now. And I don't just mean what matters most to you intellectually. That can be tricky, could keep you stuck, because the brain wants everything. It's terrible with tradeoffs, and it can argue both sides of a decision until the cows come home. I mean, what really lights you up in life? Which job would make you excited to get up in the morning? How do you want to grow? What kind of community do you want to be a part of? Does your fulfillment come primarily from your work or from your relationship? Those are important questions, too.

probably more important than the practicals and the logistics, to be honest. The other thing I would encourage you to do is figure out which pieces of this equation are truly fixed and which are flexible or which ones you could make flexible. For example, you'll make 40 grand less if you take this new job. Objectively less money. Definitely a hit. But if you can knock it out of the park for a year, do you think you could negotiate a raise? Would they promote you?

Could you use your position with USA track and field to, I don't know, become a freelance data consultant for other athletic organizations on the side. Could you develop an online course about data science in the sports world, write articles about it, maybe publish those. If you get creative, if you invest in your relationships when you get there and sniff out cool opportunities around your new role, you might be able to make up for this drop in salary. Who knows? Maybe even make more money. And the same thing applies to your girlfriend. The way you framed it, she's either happy to stay where you guys are, or she'll resent. you if you move. But is that 100% true? If you guys talk this out and treated it like an adventure,

could she maybe be happy in Colorado? Could you guys make a commitment to do a trip every couple months to other states so she doesn't feel too isolated? Do you work in this role for a few years and then negotiate going remote so that she can then go to D.C. and you can support her career goals? All of these things are possible if you open up the aperture a little bit. So take some time to get clear on your priorities, but also find ways to bend this situation. to your benefit as much as you can. Life is rarely as fixed as we think it is. There are always hidden opportunities,

unexpected benefits, and different versions of events, and you won't be able to see all of them at once. You might have to take a leap of faith. But if you stay alert, if you really put in the time to be great at what you do, if you build meaningful relationships with people, they'll almost always reveal themselves.

That's been my experience anyway. That said, it is possible that you'll have to give up one or two things in this decision. It's painful. I know, but it is life. If you really want this job and your girlfriend doesn't fit into those plans, then you might have to part ways, eh, at least for a little while. Maybe you find your way back to each other, or maybe you don't, and you meet a girl in Colorado who wants to run 5Ks with you every Sunday, and that's your path. I don't know, man, life do be crazy. But whatever you do, use this as a chance to reconnect with yourself. What do you want?

Who do you want it to be with? What do you care about? Talk to people you trust, get some more perspectives, communicate with your girlfriend. If you follow what excites you beyond the money and the status and the logistics, you really can't go wrong. So good luck, man. Not an easy choice. All right. Next up. Dear Jordan and Gabriel, I'm a midlife professional woman in a loving marriage with four grown healthy children. I should be very happy, but instead I'm deeply unhappy and often suicidal. Between my toxic work environment, a fruitless job search, and a changing relationship with my children, I'm really struggling these days. My husband and I have occasionally consulted family therapists over the years,

but I never felt very impressed with their ability or sharpness. I'll admit that my opinion of the profession isn't very positive. While I work at being friendly and pleasant, growing up with a great deal of physical and sexual abuse has made me a distrustful person. And when I'm hurt, I tend to separate from those who wound me. I've spent my entire life working to not think about the past, but I'm tired and I'm sad, and I need a helping hand. In short, I accept that I should begin seeing a therapist,

but how do I find someone who's a good fit and truly helpful? Signed, back on the couch, but suspicious of the upholstery. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling so much these days. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Career, family stuff, existential stuff. I know how intense that is, and I really feel for you. There's no shame in feeling the way that you're feeling. Even if your life is pretty good externally,

I'm also sorry that you haven't had a good experience with therapists in the past, but I am proud of you for recognizing what you need and then being willing to give it another shot. This is a great question, and I think a lot of people listening are wondering the same thing. We wanted to consult with an expert here, so we turned to the one and only Dr. Aaron Margolis, the shrink with the missing link, clinical psychologist and friend of the show. And the first thing Dr. Margolis said, given what you're going through, of course you're exhausted. As she put it to us, it takes a lot of energy to suppress. things and a lifetime separating from people when you feel overwhelmed, keeping your heart in solitary

confinement, that is depressing. It's exhausting. It's isolating. And she had the same reaction we did, that she really admires your courage to change that pattern. In terms of actually finding a good therapist, Dr. Margolis said it's kind of like dating. You just have to look around and find someone, even if it means shopping around and doing several consultations until you find someone you feel safe and comfortable with. But in terms of what quality is to look at, you know, for specifically, Dr. Margolis said the number one most important agent of change in psychotherapy is rapport. Just that baseline connection and harmony in the relationship where the person gets you and you feel good with them and you guys communicate well. In terms of therapeutic value,

rapport actually cuts across modalities, interventions, styles, all that. If you don't have rapport with your therapist, the chances of healing are much, much lower. So Dr. Margolis's general recommendation for new patients is to focus on finding a person you feel connected to more than their credentials or what type of treatment they provide. At the same time, though, certain modalities and disciplines do work better for certain issues. So given your history, you might look into therapists and centers that are specifically geared towards trauma. And in terms of specific modalities, cognitive processing therapy, EMDR, prolonged exposure therapy, emotion-focused therapy, all of these approaches can be used with trauma. So it's not like you have to find the one

person who does this one technique in order to get results. But if you know for sure that you want, I don't know, an EMDR therapist, then you can look for somebody who does that. But if you care more about feeling connected to somebody you trust, then Dr. Margolis said that it's smart to make that the focus of your search and whatever treatment they do will probably be helpful. In terms of actually finding names, your best bet is to research resources in your area and a great place to check out is Psychology Today.com. It's basically the yellow pages of therapists. You can also look through your insurance directory or Google therapists in your area. Another great way to get recommendations is word of mouth. If you know people in therapy or you know people in the medical field,

like a primary care physician who likes referring patients to a specific person, ask them. That's a great way into. Then do your research. Make a few appointments. I can't even say that phrase anymore, Gabe, because of like Q and on. Do your research. Do your research. Do your research. make a few appointments with a few different people. Like Dr. Margolis said, date around. You're not locked into one person forever. You can do a few sessions, three, four, five, see if it's a fit. It's a very normal part of the process to try a few before you settle down. I know it's kind of annoying, but it's all part for the course. Yeah, it can be a little time consuming. It can be slightly annoying, but it is really all part of the process. And if you do start treatment and you feel

like it is not a fit or you want to part ways with your therapist after a few sessions, Dr. Morgol has shared something super insightful with us, which is that desire to leave therapy, that might be part of the pattern that you mentioned in your letter, that tendency you described to pull away when things get too intense. In other words, if you find that you become a little avoidant when things get hard or you want to separate when you start getting into painful territory with your therapist, it's possible that you might be kind of looking for reasons to run away from the process of therapy. Very common.

and if you and your therapist are onto that and you can talk it through, that could actually be incredibly valuable. So I would encourage you to talk about your history with your therapist, how you show up in therapy. Let them know that you're kind of hesitant about talking, that you found it hard to stick with the process in the past. In Dr. Margolis's opinion, if a patient feels the urge to flee, that's actually really important feedback. And a good therapist will actually want that feedback so that they can adjust and they can help you through that resistance. or if it's really not the right fit to refer you to somebody who would be a much better match.

Yeah, that is such a great insight on her part. I love that she's zeroed in on that. It's not just who you choose as your therapist. It's also how you show up and help them help you, given your particular challenges. So those are the broad strokes. Given what you've been through

and what you're going through, I've got to say, I'm really glad that you're open to getting help. I'm getting the sense that you've been running from these feelings for a long time. And that's been your way to cope. But you can't really run from the past.

the past is always operating in the present, as long as you're using so much energy to keep those thoughts and feelings at bay. By trying to control them, they end up controlling you, which is probably why you're having the symptoms you're having, at least some of them. And facing this stuff, the abuse, your career challenges, your relationship with your children, the suicidal ideation, that's really scary. It takes a hell of a lot of courage. But not facing this stuff, that's even scarier in Dr. Margolis's view. And I agree, because then you're going to spend the rest of your life living this way, which clearly isn't working. So go find the help you need. Have patience for the process and stick with it, especially when it

gets tough. The only way out is through. The obstacle is the way if you're a Ryan Holiday fan. When you get to the other side, I know you'll find a ton of growth and relief and a way forward with those challenges that you're facing now. A great therapist and a willing patient. That's a powerful relationship, man. Go find it. Hope you all enjoyed the show today. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened. and thank you so much. Don't forget to check out the episodes with Ishmael Beah, the former child soldier,

and Ludacris, the one and only Luda, here on the Jordan Harbinger show. I was kind of stoked to do that one. Want to know how I managed to book all these great people and manage my relationships using software systems and tiny habits.

The six-minute networking course is free. It's over on the think-giff platform, jordanharbinger.com slash course. I'm teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty so you don't end up like question number two over here. These drills take just a few minutes per day. it's the type of habit that you really ignore at your own peril.

I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. Again, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course, and it's free. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger. Transcripts are in the show notes. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram, or you can hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Barry,

Melio Campo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own. I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing... There it is again. Do your research. Before implementing anything you hear on the show, Dr. Margolis' input is general psychological information

based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. And remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love. And if you've found this episode useful,

please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time. If you're looking for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger show

to sink your teeth into, here's a trailer with former professional skateboarder and entrepreneur Rob Durdeck. I made my mom come in and meet with the counselor and the principal and just basically sold them on this idea that I'm going to be a pro skateboarder now. Jordan, I live in kill mode.

Kill mode is like my lifestyle. You know what I mean? Like, I'm so optimized and operated such a high level. That alone gives me energy. I track every hour of every single day and have it tagged and it all pumps into a living dashboard of how perfectly balanced my time is. So I've gamified living at this deeply, highly optimized existence. that's also 100% balanced by design.

I live as light as a feather. When that system is out of balance, it's impossible to grow into your full potential, right? And then if you haven't defined what your full potential is and what the life that you want to live and what all aspects of that look like, then you're never going to find it. It's looking at everything you want to achieve

and breaking it down to the very first task that you know you can do. The most extraordinary way is to begin to turn the idea of deciding what you want, defining four or five milestones, and then doing one after another until you get to it. And doing that in all aspects of life over and over again, you begin to feel as if you control reality. Because you put something that didn't exist as the mile marker, and then you built a plan to do it, and you didn't.

To learn more about how Rob Durdek dropped out of high school at age 16, and how he now optimizes his life to the fullest potential, check out episode 498 on the Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.

It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think,

the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that,

I want to understand how people in the world really work, itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.