The Jordan Harbinger Show - 633: Finding Work Fast with a Criminal Past | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: March 4, 2022

Getting your record expunged after the embarrassment of earning a DUI can take years, but you need to land a job today. So how do you find work fast when you have a criminal past? We'll try to find an answer to this and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/633 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Getting your record expunged after the embarrassment of earning a DUI can take years, but you need to land a job today. So how do you find work fast when you have a criminal past?  [Thanks to attorney Corbin Payne for helping us field this one!] Despite working in tech -- arguably the most optimistic field there is -- you find yourself battling a constant wave of hopelessness over the escalating climate crisis and the future of the planet. What can you do to keep your eco-anxiety in check? When confronting your fiancée with text messages suggesting she's been cheating on you with a co-worker, she insists it never got physical and she wants to reconcile. But can you ever trust her enough to carry on with the wedding you've been planning? As an experienced world traveler on a gap year before college, you've researched places you want to visit that your very concerned parents have "forbid" you to consider -- like Iran, Turkmenistan, Iraqi Kurdistan, Lebanon, and Russia. You believe the benefits of seeing these destinations up close outweigh the risks and are determined to go, but how can you alleviate your parents' worry and depart with their blessing? As a third-year medical student, you'll be graded on your performance under pressure working full time in a hospital. The problem? You're a very feminine female with a petite build and a soft voice, and getting peers and patients to take you seriously has been an issue. How can you thrive in a field where masculinity is deemed equal to competency? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking...See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, my sidekick and salvation, Gabriel Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave, and our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker so you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind. If you're new to this show, welcome. On Fridays, we give advice to you and answer

listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of absolutely incredible people from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. This week, we had Amanda Katarzi with a wild personal experience of human trafficking and resilience. We also had my friend John Acuff on perfectionism, what it does, the harmings, the harm causes and what we can do to navigate through it. So if you are a self-described perfectionist, I think that episode will go really far with you. I also write every so often on the blog, my latest post, How to Quit Your Job. We've been getting this question a ton on the show lately. I guess the great resignation really is real. So I wanted to write a piece about my philosophy

and approach to leaving a position, when to do it, how to do it, when you know you're going to do it for the right reasons, and how you can leave a job and even strengthen your representation and your relationships in the process. You can find that article and all of our articles at Jordan Harbinger.com slash articles. So make sure you've had a look and a listen to everything that we created for you here this week. Before we get into it here, a lot of you have been asking what I think about the situation in Ukraine. Knowing that on this show, you've heard a lot about Vladimir Putin, disinformation, espionage, geopolitics, etc. Obviously, the entire world is rooting for Ukraine here, with a few exceptions, but very few exceptions. I am Ukrainian in that my grandparents

or great-grandparents, depending on which side, were from there. I spent a summer living and working there when I was young, and I lived with Russian Ukrainians. I lived in their home, in Odessa, treating me like one of their own kids. I got fed, housed, and yelled at, just like any other Ukrainian kid. I was only about 22 at the time, and it's crazy to think that the areas I lived in and were running around in are essentially under amphibious assault. right now by Russia. But for me and for the world, this should not be about cheering for dead Russians, especially given that many of these guys literally don't even seem to have proper footwear, gasoline, socks. They were sent to be captured or killed by a sociopathic,

warmongering madman. War is and should not be some spectator sport, where we cheer our favorite team from the sidelines. For most of us, this conflict is about admiring the epic and awe-inspiring levels of courage on full display for the world to see, from old men staring down tanks in their village to babushkas lining up with rifles and homemade Molotov cocktails, all the way up to President Zelensky, who refuses to leave his country, even though it's under siege by what is thought to be one of the world's most powerful militaries. In fact, as many of you have probably heard, he was offered safe passage out of Ukraine by the United States and by NATO, and he said, I need ammunition, not a ride. So as we watch this conflict,

in horror and hope for peace, I hope you're also taking the opportunity to glean some inspiration in just how resilient we are as humans and how sometimes, even during the worst of times, humanity's best really does shine through. If you're interested more on that particular subject and that particular psychology and phenomenon,

I encourage you to listen to Rutger Bregman, that's episode 494 of this show. You can go to Jordan Harbinger.com slash 494. He discusses how pressure, in circumstances like this, really is what turns us into diamonds. It's not that we have a thin veneer of civility on society. It's actually quite the opposite. We're seeing that play out in real time right now in Ukraine. Also, I'd encourage everyone listening not to pull a knee-jerk reaction and become anti-Russia

or anti-Russian. But certainly, you can be fervently anti-Puton and anti-authoritarian and anti-war. Russia, and by that I mean the people of Russia, the citizenry, hardly has a choice in leadership, especially right now, and anyone who has lived in Russia or in close proximity to actual Russians knows they are one of the most incredible groups of people. Their potential has been ruthlessly limited by kleptocratic and authoritarian leaders for centuries. You can be both pro-Ukraine and pro-Russia, as well as anti-Putin and especially anti-war. I guess what I'm saying here, folks, is don't throw the babushka out with the bathwater. Also, we've put together our episodes on Vladimir Putin and Russian disinformation into one of our playlists, you can find those

playlists on Spotify or at Jordan Harbinger.com slash start. That playlist includes our episodes with the famous Russian artist Pussy Riot, as well as Bill Browder, who has been targeted by Putin and fought back quite effectively for a guy who's not a world leader, as well as with Michael McFaul, former ambassador to Russia from the United States. So there's a lot there for you to dive into if you're interested in more background on this conflict and on Russia and on Putin. Also, I fully expect that I'll be doing more podcasts on geopolitics and especially focusing on Ukraine because this is not going to be a short conflict, unfortunately. Well, I hate to speculate, but this is probably going to go on for several months, if not years. My bet is unfortunately on a year's long conflict, maybe not at this

intensity, but this is not something that's going to melt away anytime soon, most likely. So expect more from me on Ukraine, on Russia, on Putin. And in the meantime, Slava Ukraini, and on with the show. Gabe, got some good ones. What's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. Four years ago, I joined a secret startup within a major corporation in Silicon Valley. One year later, this division ran out of money and direction, and I was left alone each day

to do absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, my relationship with a girl I really loved ended, and since I was new to the Bay Area, I had no friends or colleagues I could confide in. Lonely, disheartened, and defeated, I escaped regularly to Santa Cruz and Monterey and stumbled into breweries, then bars, then hopped in the car, and then drove off to another bar. Cruising along the Pacific Coast Highway blasting music inches away from the rails, this went on for months. Then, one night, I got pulled over by a cop for speeding past a stop sign at 3 in the morning.

I was arrested for the first time in my life, fingerprints, mugshot, license taken away, and ultimately convicted of DUI. The next day I found a criminal lawyer who immediately went to work on the case. I was so pie-eyed the night before they couldn't lower it to a wet and reckless, as they call it. Later, I was able to watch the body cam footage from that night, and it was embarrassing. I'm ashamed of my self-pity, but even more so of the danger I put my life and others in. Soon after that, I was fired for absolutely no reason for my job and without any notice. To this day, I can't help but speculate that the arrest had something to do with this, but I'll never know. For the past three years, I've taken jobs that were off the career path I was building.

I stepped down a few pegs in responsibilities and pay. I had to sell almost everything I owned, including my investments, and the car that I loved so much, all of which has been very difficult. I tell myself that I'm paying my dues to society, but when does that end? I'm also trying to expunge my record. I called my original lawyer and a few others, and they all said it could take years before even beginning the process. This is a problem because misdemeanors also include assault, theft, vandalism, and so on, so when I apply for jobs, I don't know how to answer the whole

have you been arrested or convicted question. Am I obligated to answer those? How can I clear my record so this embarrassing mistake will never show up in background checks? How can I get that body cam footage to be permanently deleted so it never shows up online? And most importantly, will this be a stain on my history for the rest of my life, signed, struggling to walk in a straight line? Wow, man, quite a story. I'm very sorry that you lost your job in that way and that you ended up in this situation. You sound like a very grounded person, super humble, open,

and I know that getting this DUI and losing a lot of your assets has been incredibly difficult. I do think there's the potential for huge growth in breakdowns like this, but before we get to that, let's dig a lot of you. into some of your more practical questions. Of course, we wanted to get an expert's opinion on your story, so as per usual, we reached out to Corbin Payne, defense attorney, and friend of the show. And C-Pain said that he actually gets this question on a fairly consistent basis, as you might imagine. Unfortunately, he said the advice from your lawyer about expungements sounds about right. According to Corbyn, it takes several years to be eligible to apply for expungement, and that

tends to be especially true when it comes to DUIs, which sucks, and I wish we had better news on front, but it sounds like it's going to stay on the record for a while. And, you know, candidly, I understand that. D-O-Is are fairly serious, and they put other people in danger, as you've mentioned in your letter. As far as the body cam video goes, Corbyn said that these things, they tend to disappear or get destroyed after a certain point. Usually that point comes after the window to appeal, and then some. Also, these videos, they aren't generally accessible to the public. So it's not like this thing is just hanging out on YouTube or some sleazy video website where people can watch and laugh at people trying to complete the field sobriety test or something.

Even when videos like this get featured on the show, cops or whatever, the faces are blurred, no one's name gets dropped. So in Corbin's view, this concern just really isn't worth losing sleepover. Now, the whole, have you ever been arrested or convicted question? Corbyn did say that you will need to answer that one truthfully. But most job applications, they include a line or two where you can explain what happened. and Corbyn's advice there, be forthright, share some context, but you don't have to share all the ugly details.

You can write that you were convicted of a DUI when you were at an emotional low point, and then you can tell them in a sentence or two how you've bounced back from this mistake, how you've used the experience to be a better person, maybe help other people. The key thing here is that this DUI, it doesn't define you. It's a part of your past,

but that only means it's one part of your story. For what it's worth, Corbin said that if he, saw an answer like that on an employment application, he'd be very willing to bring that person in for an interview, assuming, of course, that they're qualified. And I agree with them. With the right story from a great candidate, I could overlook something like that, especially if it's a few years ago. Now, not all hiring managers are as open as that. Some places might have very rigid policies about criminal history, possibly for good reasons. But that's not all places. You might get rejected by four out of five places for a period of time, but you just need that one person who is not

going to define you based on this one mistake. And then from there, you crush the interview, you show people that you're a solid, smart, responsible guy who deserves a shot, and hopefully you land a job you love. It'll take hard work, it'll take some patience, but I'm pretty confident given your background and your personality that that'll happen eventually. As for how to live the rest of your life from here on out, Corbin's take, and I agree with him, completely. completely, the best way to overcome a mistake like this is really to own it. Everybody makes mistakes. Corbin and I were talking about it, and it is actually crazy how many of our acquaintances

have had DUI convictions in the past. I'm not saying, like, all my friends do this or something. I just mean, like, a lot of people you know that don't talk about it have skeletons like this in their closet. And these people, they are not dumpster fires. They are smart, morally upright, otherwise responsible people who made one fairly large mistake a long time ago, albeit, again, a serious one, and got themselves into a mess. And after going through the embarrassment and the anger and the financial hit, they've gone on to

lead super productive, fulfilling lives. Point is, people love a good story, especially a good redemption story. So if you want to work through the shame of this incident, try to put it to good use. The best way to do that is to tell your story. And Corbyn pointed out that schools, youth groups, civic groups, youth development programs, they would probably love to have someone come in and tell their story about drinking and driving and help kids see that it is not worth it and that it is super dangerous. But you might find other places to tell that story too. Alcohol recovery programs, support groups, self-help forums online, a personal blog.

I don't know, there's so many ways to publicly take ownership of what you did, talk about what you learned, capture how you've changed as a person, and control the narrative a little bit more here. Right. That is great advice because also when a quote unquote shameful secret is out in the open, it's kind of no longer shameful, or at least it's a lot less shameful. And when it's out in the open and it's actively being used to make the world a better place to help other people, then it can actually create some meaning.

It can actually be empowering. So when it comes time to fill out those extra lines on a job application, it would probably really help to say something like, this is what happened. It was a mistake that I made. I take full ownership over it. Since then, I've become a much more responsible person, and now I speak to high schools and youth groups about the dangers of drinking and driving, and I'm grateful to be able to turn my mistake into an opportunity for other people, that kind of thing.

That sort of statement speaks volumes, and it says so much more than just, you know, I was arrested for DIY because I was kind of down on myself, and I'm really sorry. You know, I think if you take control of the narrative in that way, people will see you in a very different light. Exactly. He can use his true redemption story to paint the picture of who he is now. And I really think that'll land with people. So that's our advice.

Own this part of your story. Try to use it for good and keep on building your career. And I got to say, your email was very encouraging. You're not rationalizing this. You're not defensive about it. You're not self-pitying. You realize this is a huge mistake. You're clearly on your way to becoming stronger for what you have been through.

Your head and your heart are in exactly the right place. Again, I know this DUI really curved your life. It hit you emotionally and financially. It's closed a few doors. But I also think it's opening other ones if you work with it the right way. I know it's trite, but you can't change the past. All you can do is make meaning out of it and figure out how you want to live differently from here on out, which is exactly what you're doing.

Eventually, and I hope soon, you won't feel like this thing defines you. But until then, you're going to have to accept it fully and start building the story and the relationships you need to land the opportunities that you want. It may take you an extra few years, but that's okay. You might even find that it puts you on a different track, but a better one, one you couldn't have even considered if you hadn't gotten pulled over that night. So keep your eyes open, put in the work, be patient. You got this, man.

We're sending you good thoughts. You know who encourages me to recklessly binge drink and use heavy machinery? The products and services that help support this show. We'll be right back. You're listening to Feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger show. We'll be right back. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going.

who doesn't love some good products and or services. You can always visit jordanharbinger.com slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now back to Feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show. All right, what's next? Hey guys, despite working in tech, the most optimistic field there is, I find myself battling a constant wave of hopelessness and dread about what the future holds for our planet. I find it difficult to manage feelings of loss for something that sometimes

feels inevitable. The problem feels so huge and I can't help but be overwhelmed by it. How do I better manage my emotions around my eco-anxiety and how can I best handle uncertainty on this scale? Signed, drowning in these rising sea levels. This is a really great question. I think a lot of people can relate to how you're feeling these days. And if it isn't climate change that's keeping you up at night, it's any number of other awful things that seem unsolvable. Inequality, human change. trafficking, animal rights, war, why people are watching how I met your father, whatever it is, there are just so many reasons these days to feel anxious, sad, angry, and those feelings can be crushing. So look, the roots of eco-anxiety are complicated. It's not just about what you read

about in the news, it's also about your personality, your upbringing, your worldview, how the news interacts with those factors. Obviously, we can't do a whole therapy session here, but here are some thoughts to guide you. First of all, I think a big part of coping with your anxiety about the world is taking action in some form. I know the problem of climate change seems overwhelming and intractable,

but as long as it remains overwhelming and intractable in your mind, all it will ever be is a source of pain. But if you can do something to contribute to the solution, whether it's leading conservation efforts, volunteering with an NGO you care about, donating to causes you believe in, getting other people to care about it, writing about it,

or even just appreciating nature more fully when you're in it, because, you know, how precious it is, whatever it is, I think that'll go a long way in easing the anxiety. Because when you take action, even if your contribution is small, you're converting the anxiety you feel into something productive, something useful, rather than just being consumed by the feeling. You're turning your grief and your anger into fuel, and that is so powerful.

In fact, a lot of psychologists say that using your emotion, in that way, that can actually resolve the initial impulse toward anxiety or anger altogether. It's really a higher order relationship with your feelings in general. Now, I know it might seem futile sometimes. Like, what can one person do to save the planet? And I get that. So what I would do is take a tiny piece of the problem and work on that. You can't reduce China or the United States emissions on your own.

You can't stop deforestation tomorrow. No one can. collectively we, maybe, but even then, these are massive generational efforts. But you can spend a few hours a week volunteering at an animal sanctuary. You can phone bank for conservation nonprofits. You can collect donations for a cleanup project in your neighborhood. You can coordinate petitions against companies that concern you. You can vote for candidates who reflect your values.

All of these things are absolutely doable on a micro scale. And the huge stuff, the saving the world stuff, it's always made up of these tiny incremental steps. So what I'm getting at is you have to start training your mind to change its scale. Your mind looks at this problem and goes, holy crap, the whole planet is dying, there's nothing we can do, I'm going to freak out now. But you can tell your mind to go, okay, the planet is in trouble, why? What are the pieces of this problem in my neck of the woods? what small thing can I do to help change that? And over time, your mind will start to change its script. It'll start focusing on the micro-controllable stuff and stop fixating on the macro-slash-hopeless

stuff, which is where anxiety gets its food. It's time to freak out energy. Yeah, great advice, shortened. Action really is the answer. But at the same time, I also think it's super important to know when to disengage, you know, when to let go a little bit. Because the news, as we all know, is relentless, right? The internet is insane. I mean, if you want, you can have a steady stream of reasons to freak out about the world basically 24-7. So you have to be very deliberate about when and how you consume your news, especially your climate change news, because if you're constantly refreshing the NASA website or you're reading every press release that Greenpeace puts out as soon as they post it, then of course you're going to be miserable,

right? Those sources, even the sources that mean well, they're really designed to stoke your eco-anxiety. That's their job. And by the way, knowing when to stop doom scrolling and when to start putting boundaries around your reading time, that's not sticking your head in the sand, that's not denial, that's discipline. That's taking care of your mental health, because the planet's going to be the way it is, whether you obsess about this stuff constantly or not. Rather than indulge that impulse to consume as much climate change information as possible, which I'm guessing you do because you care so much, I would treat it like a task. You know, carve out an hour each week, catch up on your climate change news, research some ways to help, and that's it. After that,

if you catch yourself ruminating about it, stop ruminating, start making some plans to do something. And if there are no plans to be made at that moment, then you're done thinking about it. And it's not because it doesn't matter anymore. It's not because you don't care. It's because thinking about it constantly in this way is not actually doing anything. And it's really just giving your mind another reason to worry. And if you need a little bit more help there, then maybe consider talking to a therapist about the eco-anxiety. From what I'm reading online, a lot of therapists are hearing the exact same phenomenon from their patients. Talk about what triggers it, where it comes from, what heightens it, how to cope with it. Because if you feel this anxiety

about the planet, I'm guessing you probably wrestle with that response in other areas of your life. And that makes this even more important to work on. Yeah, totally agree, Gabe. As for your bigger question about dealing with uncertainty, I recommend checking out the deep dive, Gabe and I did, on this exact topic a few years back. That was episode four. Yeah, four. Jordan Harbinger.com slash four will take you there, but also link to it in the show notes. Obviously, a super early episode. I think that'll be a very interesting listen for you right now. The feelings are having, they're not wrong. They make sense, and they're appropriate given the state of the world, but they're just not the full story. You get to decide what they mean and what to do

with them. Start focusing on that, and I think you'll find some relief, and probably a ton of motivation, too. Good luck. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise, include a descriptive subject line that makes our job easier. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or you need a new perspective on stuff like life, love, work, what to do if every therapist you talk to wants to report your big secret. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday atjordanharbinger.com. We're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous. All right, next up. Hey Jordan and Gabriel. I've been with my fiance for four years and engaged for just over a year. We fell in love and moved in together very quickly,

and I have trusted her from the start. Then last weekend, I took a call with a former co-worker. It was a platonic call with absolutely no flirtation or attraction whatsoever. When my fiance learned about it, though, she lost her mind and accused me of cheating, which was weird because I've never been accused of cheating before, and I've never even come close to it in any way. A few days later, she flew out for a work trip and happened to leave her broken phone behind. I had never been tempted to go through her phone before, but something just didn't feel right. Sure enough, on her old phone were conversations she was having with her male co-worker, a married guy with children. The texts were not overtly sexual, but they included I love you from both parties, and I have

never felt this way before. I immediately called her and sent her screen. screenshots to show her that I knew. Turns out she was actually on the plane to go see him. Ooh. Yeah, that's intense. The next day, my fiancé wanted us to reconcile. She insisted that her co-worker meant nothing to her and that their romance only started a little over a week ago, although she's known him for years. She claims that they have never been physical and that my catching her stopped anything from happening. The issue is, I still love her. But right now, I absolutely hate her, and I don't know how to move past this. She wants us to move on like nothing happen. She wants me to trust her, but I can't see a path forward without a significant amount of

therapy. What complicates matters, though, is that the past few months have been tough. We've both been working more than ever, so I'll admit I haven't been giving her the attention that she wants and deserves. She says that that's all this affair was, attention-seeking, but I can't comprehend how telling another man I love you is just attention-seeking. I also don't want to talk to my friends or family about the situation. I know that once I tell someone what happened, it will change the way they view her, and also me. I hate the idea of people seeing me as the guy who accepts her cheating and still decides to pursue a marriage with her. So what do I do? Signed, deflated, frustrated, and isolated. Wow, this is some lifetime movie-ish right here. I am so sorry

you've been going through this, man. This is obviously a very painful situation to go through, especially leading up to your wedding. But it's particularly jarring now after she accuses you of cheating. I mean, Gabe, project much? Yeah. So textbook, right? Like, oh, you must be cheating on me.

Hmm, that's odd. Where's this coming from? Oh, you're cheating on. You're literally on a plane right now to go bang some stranger. Jeez. So, look, I admire that you're being so open and self-aware

about how you ended up here. I agree with you that infidelity doesn't just happen. Hell, I learned that from Loveline in like 1993, Dr. Drew, Shout out to Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla, right? There are usually deeper causes, complicating factors, but that doesn't mean that you caused your fiancé to cheat.

It's great that you're curious about what role you might have played in all this that says a lot about you, but I wouldn't blame yourself for what she did. If your fiancé was disappointed with your relationship, the appropriate response, the healthy, sane response would have been to talk to you about it. You know, like, honey, I'm feeling a little distant from you lately. I feel like work is getting in the way of us.

I want some attention. I'm sure you do too. Can we carve out some time to talk, catch up, spend some time together? But that is not what she did. Looking for what she needed from another guy, that is not the right way to solve this problem, full stop. And I hate to say this because I know it hurts.

But Gabe, I am totally not buying at all. This whole, oh, it was just an emotional affair thing. She's known this guy for years. She just got on a frigging plane. to go see him. I mean, do you really fly to meet someone to have a purely emotional affair? Hell no. You're not just talking about your day in a Marriott suite in Grand Cayman or whatever, right? You know what I mean? I guess it's possible. This was the first time they were meeting up in that way, but one, I just feel like that's unlikely. Still, at a minimum, they were about to take that next step. And I'm not bringing

this up to be cruel and rub the whole thing in or like make it worse. I just think it's important for this guy to be realistic about what's going on here. especially considering that his fiancé, she's not exactly a reliable narrator. No, she is not. And also, if she's correct, if she's telling the truth that this has only been going on for a week, then it's extra weird that they're already saying, I love you, after a week, even if they have known each other for, I don't know, just the whole thing doesn't quite add up. So I'm with you.

I agree, absolutely. And I'm sure there's also a lot more going on for her and all of this stuff that we just can't possibly know, like what led her to look elsewhere, to keep this a secret from you, to project her shame onto you in the form of paranoia, basically, and then to try to just bury it and move on as quickly as possible so that you guys can just get right back on track. I mean, there are like two or three other red flags buried within this huge red flag. Now, she's not the one writing in. We only have your side of the story here. So that's all I'll say about that. But yeah, she has a lot of work to do to figure out why she is behaving in this way. And that is not all on you. Yes,

there is a dynamic here. There always is. But that's really her stuff. Exactly. So the best advice I can offer you at this point is to have some very honest conversations with your fiance. You guys need to figure out how you ended up here, what drew her to another person, why she lashed out at you, what kind of future you guys actually have. If you feel there is a future with her, then you need to resolve all of this stuff before you get married. And I don't mean say some I'm sorry's in kiss and make up. I mean get deep with each other about how you're behaving in this relationship, what this relationship is bringing up for you,

and especially for your fiance. And if that's hard to do on your own, I'm a broken record, but I would strongly encourage you to go to therapy, couples counseling. You guys have a lot to get out and explore and resolve if you're going to have a good marriage. And if you give that a shot

and your fiance doesn't really want to go there or you realize that something fundamental has been broken or that your fiance is just a very different person from who you thought, then I would really consider if this is the person you want to marry. Yeah, that is the question. Absolutely. But there is another thing we have to talk about in this letter, Jordan,

which is his hesitation to talk about any of this with his friends or with his family. He said he doesn't want to reach out to them because he knows that once he tells someone what happened, it'll change the way they view her and also how they view him. I mean, look, I get it. It's a legitimate concern. But it also sounds to me like he's trying to almost, almost like he's trying to manage how other people view his fiance, like he's protecting her from the opinions that other people will have, maybe pretty legitimate opinions about what she did. That is fascinating. That's a good point.

I mean, this girl cheated on him, and he's worried about her reputation. Right. It's like he's trying to do that in addition to minimizing the shame he anticipates feeling when other people see him as the guy who took his cheating fiance back, which he's not even close to making that decision yet. he's like in the thick of just dealing with the news. And again, I do understand. I'm sure people will have some judgments about this if they get back together. But I guess my point is the hit to her reputation and other people's opinions about him down the line, that's all secondary to the huge thing going on here, which is why did you cheat on me? And what does that mean for our relationship? And so I wonder if that kind of over-caretaking and that self-consciousness and also that concern,

that quite profound concern about what other people think. if that is showing up in your life or in your relationship in other ways, and if that might have contributed to the distance you described with your fiancé in your letter, again, not that you caused her to do this, but because you're so curious about the part of this you might have played a role in, I do think it's useful to consider how these aspects of your personality might have been showing up in your relationship. That's a really good point, Gabe. And also this thing of, I hate the idea of people seeing me as the guy who accept her

cheating and still decides to pursue a marriage with her. I think that's very telling too. Because like you said, people will have strong opinions about that. And I understand not wanting to air your dirty laundry with friends and family. I totally get it. But if you and your fiancé really want to get to the bottom of this, if you work on your stuff, your baggage here, and become a healthier couple, and you get to a place where you can trust her to never do this again,

which, let me be clear, that is really tough. It's going to take a lot of time and effort. It is theoretically possible. Then it ultimately doesn't matter what other people. think. This is your marriage. It's not theirs. So I just keep an eye on that impulse to factor in judgments from other people, especially hypothetical judgments. You're worried about how people will view you if you took her back. But what you should really be concerned about right now is how to understand this situation, work through this wound, and figure out what you really want.

Right. And also because you could probably use a good friend or two right now. And you're not talking about this. That's only going to make the shame and the confusion worse. You can't cut yourself off from the support you need in order to protect your fiancé or your future self, for that matter. But the fact that you're so concerned about those perceptions, I would definitely bring that into therapy, too, because that is super interesting. Yeah, that's another part of his personality that he could learn a lot from. Not that it's wrong, just clearly a big part of who he is and how he's working through this situation or not working through it, as the case may be.

So good luck, man. I know this is very complicated stuff, incredibly painful. but the best thing you can do is be absolutely honest with yourself and your fiance, get the support that you need, and figure out if you guys can heal and grow from this, or if this is a fundamental rupture in your relationship. It might take a little time to see the situation clearly. You can't read the label when you're inside the jar and all that,

but you'll get there, and we're wishing you the best, man, and we're sending you a bro hug here from sunny California. You know who doesn't fly across the country to bang their coworkers? Oh, uh, who? The folks who work at the sponsors who help support this show. Top-notch office culture. We'll be right back. This is the Jordan Harbinger show, and this is Feedback Friday.

We'll be right back. And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday. All right, next up. Hey, guys, I'm a gap year student making the most of my year before college. I've been hitting my bucket list over the last few months working in various dream locations, and now I want to use the money I've saved to go abroad and let the real adventures begin. Some of the countries on my list have created controversy with my parents who have forbid me from going to some higher risk areas. These include budget tours in Iran and Turkmenistan and backpacking through Iraqi Kurdistan, Lebanon, and Russia.

I'm an experienced traveler and have been to dozens of countries in the past, some of which were also higher risk. I've done research and I believe that the benefits of visiting these places outweighs the risks. How much of a say should my parents have if I'm self-funding my travels? and how can I make them trust my judgment, signed, strapping on my backpack without all the blowback. Oh boy, do I relate to this question. As you probably know,

I've traveled to some pretty wild, sometimes scary places in my life, and that worst-case scenario that parents worry about, some of those have actually happened to me a few times. I've talked about that on the show a bunch. In fact, the first trip that Gabe and I ever did together was to North Korea about 10 years ago, and, yeah, people,

had some pretty strong opinions about that one, but it was absolutely incredible, super eye-opening, not really immediately dangerous in the least, and I'm glad we didn't let a few paranoid family members or the State Department website stop us from going. I mean, there's always a risk when you travel. Bad things do happen. I'm not denying that. But to your point, the upside to visiting these places, that often far outweighs the risks, if the risks are even real in the first place. So to answer your question, how much of a say should your parents have here? Well, that partly depends on your relationship and your values. In my opinion, they have very little say, maybe almost none. Not because they don't get to state their opinion, but because you're an adult,

you're paying for this yourself, and you can ultimately do whatever you want. Now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to them at all or be reckless about your plans. I wouldn't book a homestay in Aleppo right now or camp out on the Ukrainian-Russian border or something. like that, but you don't sound reckless. You sound fairly responsible and level-headed. So my advice is this. Talk to your parents, hear them out, use their concerns to fuel your research. If they're like, you want to go to Turkmenistan, but they arrest people there just for talking to locals, and then they throw you in a gulag. You can say, got it. Concerns about free speech, what the laws are, harsh punishment, let me look into that. And then you do your research. You read a bunch

of travel blogs by people who've been there. You read up on local laws. Maybe you email a couple experts or locals and you find out just if any of that is true. And then you go back to your parents and you say, so listen, I heard your concerns. Thank you for bringing them up. I did my homework and it turns out that you have to go way out of your way to break the laws in Turkmenistan. They're very clear about what's illegal and what's not. And I would never break those. Also, Iraqi Kurdistan, much safer than the rest of Iraq, for what that's worth. Crime rates are super low. Every site I've read says that people can travel there without any worries, but I'm glad you brought it up because now I know to avoid the cities near the Syrian and Turkish borders,

that can get a little dicey. So I'm going to stay away from that. And hey, if it puts them at ease, maybe you print out some of your research so they can read it for themselves. Maybe they'll sleep a little easier at night if they can physically see the data that you're using to plan your trip. In other words, be respectful, show your parents that you really have done your homework, invite them into your planning process, that's the best way you can make them trust your judgment. It's actually the only way, really. Yeah, that's right. But if you do that and your parents are just like, no way, this is crazy.

There's no way we can get on board with this. Then my advice is to say, okay, I'm sorry you feel that way. These trips, these travels, they're really important to me. You know, I'm confident that I'm doing it as safely as I can. So I'm going to go ahead. I'm going to do it. I know it must be scary to watch your kid go off and backpack with Bedouins without Wi-Fi for a month or whatever you're going to be doing. But I can't let your feelings stop me from

living my own life. And then you just have to accept their fear and do it anyway. You know, it's funny, Jordan. I remember when we went to North Korea the first time, my parents were actually really surprisingly super supportive about it. They were like, oh, interesting. You've done your research. I get it. I trust you. Sounds incredible. Like once in a lifetime opportunity. Go for it. And then when we came back and we started writing about it and talking about it, we were like doing those, we were doing like news segments about it and stuff. And then we went back to three, four more times. My mom was really not happy about it. And it was actually, I would say probably the only time in our relationship where we weren't really talking. Like we were talking. I did not know that. It was a little tense. Yeah. And my mom and I were super close. And it was really hard and she was really upset with me. And I understood why she was upset. If I were a mother, I would not want my son going off to North. Korea for, you know, after talking publicly about it, and I get it. I totally understood it, but I also knew that I had to go. Like, I had to go. I had a job that was taking me there at the time. I was working with this travel agency that wanted me to take people there. And I was getting

like incredible photos and stories and I was writing pieces about it. And I was starting to build my cred as a writer based on those travels. And it was just so important to me that I, that I go, even if it upset my mom. And I just remember that being a really difficult period of two or three or four weeks, you know, before and after the trip. But when I can, you know, came home and she saw that I was okay, it was fine again. And I think I was like, ultimately, I was very happy that I didn't not go just because I wanted to protect my mom from not having to worry because it was really important for my development and also ultimately for carving out my own identity. Yeah, that is a great point. He has to live his life. He's old enough. He's also an

experienced traveler. He's not like a guy who's never been out of the house. And he's like, I want to do something the most daring trip I can find. Right? This is a guy who's probably already been all over the place and he's like, hey, I'm young, I have time, I want to go to these crazy places while I have virtually no responsibility. Also, you don't necessarily have to tell your parents every detail of your itinerary in advance. Something I did was I would tell my friends where I was going, I would give them emergency contact info, and then I would tell my parents, after I got back from Kosovo or Albania or whatever, they weren't thrilled about it, but instead of losing sleep and panicking for three straight weeks. They were just sort of mildly miffed because I was already

back safe and sound. The pressure was already off, right? They had nothing to really worry about at that point. So I say go for it, man. You're young. You worked hard for this money. You're going to be dining out on these stories for years. And I think going to these places will literally change your life. I love your adventurous spirit. It's super exciting. Just do your homework. Be safe, be smart, have backup plans. Don't look for trouble you don't need. Soak it all up. I'm actually kind of envious, so I hope you have a lot of fun. Okay, what's next? Hello, Jordan and Gabe. I'm entering my third year of medical school next month, where I will work in a hospital full time and be graded based on my day-to-day performance. I'm the stereotypical feminine female with a petite build and a

soft voice. Because of the way I present myself, I've had some interesting encounters with male patients, colleagues, and superiors. For example, I've had patients call me sweetheart or darling. I've had people ask me, are you old enough to be here? I've had some people mock the strength of my strikes when I perform the knee-jerk exam, and I've had other people cut me off or speak over me. Outside of my institution, I've had people laugh at me when I tell them that I want to go into emergency medicine, saying things like, are you sure? Are you strong enough to adjust a dislocated shoulder? Stuff like that. Because I don't like drama, I remain silent in situations like this, but deep down, I feel defeated. How do I not let others judge me by how? How do I not let others judge me by

how I look, and how do I thrive in a field where masculinity is deemed equal to competency? Signed, not getting down when I do my rounds. Ah, yeah, this is super frustrating. It takes so much work to be a doctor, especially an ER doctor. And then to have people diminish you or mock you all because you look or sound a certain way, I'm sure that is very demoralizing. I know a few female doctors, and they've all told me stories like this. The sweetheart stuff, the, are you old enough to be my doctor? Stuff, all of it. And even when it's not overt, sometimes you just sense that these people have biases, and sometimes that's even worse. So I get why this upsets you. You're right. Male doctors don't get this nearly as much. I think that's

well documented, but I also think this is a great opportunity to correct some stereotypes and build up your personality a little bit. So let's dig in. We wanted an expert opinion on your question, so we consulted with Michelle Tillis Letterman, speaker, elite executive coach, and author of The Connectors Advantage, and perhaps most importantly, great friend of mine. And Michelle said that you basically have a couple options here. Option one, shift the way you present yourself to other people, physically, vocally. For example, you might pull your shoulders back when you speak to have a more powerful stance. Or you could get some vocal coaching so that you speak with a little more emphasis, a little more conviction. You don't have to be super loud all the time, but you can still be pointed.

and firm. And Michelle's experience, when you start to develop your style in that way, it'll be a lot harder for people to minimize the things that are coming out of your mouth. And by the way, I can refer you to my own vocal coach. I'm happy to do that. Just shoot me an email. Now, I know that's more of a surface level solution. It might seem like style more than substance, but style is actually really important. And the best style comes from substance. But that'll take some time to really build. And you'll still be dealing with these little conversations on a daily basis. Michelle said option two is to just call people out when they say stuff like this, but call them out in a way that doesn't call out their bad intent. So for example, when somebody

calls you sweetheart, you might say, listen, I trust that you don't mean anything by that, but I prefer to be called, you know, doctor or Ms. or just my name. Say that with a little smile on your face. Don't let it throw you. You might be surprised by how easily people fall in line. Michelle said that you can also use humor to get your point across. So if somebody goes, are you old enough to be here? Maybe you say, actually, I'm the oldest person in the office. I just have a great skincare routine. See what I mean? Have a little laugh. Shift the tone. Get right back to work and show that patient why you're 100% qualified to treat them. As for people cutting you off or speaking over you, in Michelle's view, that is something you

absolutely cannot allow. And the way you do that, according to her, is simply by saying, excuse me, I wasn't quite finished. Or please allow me to finish and then finish your thought. Try not to get too worked up or angry and try not to hold it against people. Just own the space you need to speak. And I think you'll slowly start to implicitly teach people not to cut you off. Yeah, I think that's super smart advice. And overall, Michelle's take was that you have to take each instance as it comes, you know, consider the context and just address what's happening in that moment uniquely, which means taking responsibility for how people treat you, but also for how you're responding to how they treat you. Because there will always be patience or colleagues or strangers who

say something dumb or hurtful, and you can't control that at all, but you can control how you react and how you keep doing a great job despite them, and also how you show them that their assumptions about you are ultimately wrong. And not to be cavalier about it, because I know these comments can be really tough. But that's what's great about this kind of adversity, how it basically forces you to develop aspects of yourself that you might not have otherwise developed. Because, you know, when some bro you meet at a party goes, you know, are you really strong enough to pop a shoulder back in, little lady, or whatever these guys are saying to you. And you stay quiet because, to use your words, you'd rather avoid drama. You're signaling to them that they might be right about you.

They're not right, but that might be the impression that you're unintentionally confirming. Whereas if you hear that and you put a smile on your face and you go, well, I actually pop four of them back in this month. So yeah, I think I can handle it. But definitely keep asking me questions like that, but maybe I'll pop yours out just for the practice, you know, something like that. Then you'll get your point across real quick. And it would also be a super fun way to rewrite some of these assumptions about you. Yeah, good point. Look, it sucks that she has to check people in that way, but it might actually end up making her a better doctor, a stronger colleague and probably just a funnier person, more resilient person in general. So give it a shot. See how it goes.

And whenever you find yourself feeling defeated, check in with yourself and ask, how could I have responded better in that moment? What can I do differently next time? What is this person forcing me to confront? Do these people's opinions truly reflect my ability and my right to be here? Or is it just their own biases that I just need to ignore? In a weird way, I think you'll find that all these hurtful people, they're actually helping you if you take Michelle's approach and you use these little jabs as fuel to get better. Thanks for writing in, dollface. Now, but for real, good luck. We're rooting for you. We'll link to Michelle's website and her book in the show notes. Highly recommend checking that out. And congrats on becoming a doctor, such an awesome accomplishment

and a very admirable profession. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out Amanda Katarzi and John Acuff, if you haven't yet. If you want to know how I managed to book all these amazing folks for the show, it's about my network system software, tiny habits. Check out our six-minute networking course. The course is free. It's over on the think-giffic platform at jordanharbinger.com slash course.

I'm teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty and create relationships before you need them. The drills, they take a few minutes per day. Ignore this type of habit at your own peril. Really, I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago. All for free at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter on Twitter, or you can connect with me on LinkedIn, and you can find Gabe on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi.

This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own. I am a lawyer, but not your lawyer. So do you, your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto Corbin Payne. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found this episode useful, please do share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen. And we'll see you next time. If you're looking for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger show to sink your teeth into, here's a trailer about Deepfakes with Nina Schick. We're no longer going to know what's our

and what's synthetic? And not only that, it's going to become accessible to everyone. Porn is the beginning. The creations were just unlike anything anyone had seen before. This is a real live video where the celebrity is moving her face. She's got different expressions. I can make a nude image of your sister, your wife, your mom, from a single photo, for example, from Facebook.

Minors are being targeted as well. Young girls. We are living at a time where there's going to be, more disruption and flux than potentially has ever been in the history of humanity. And the reason for that is because of the exponential technological change that's coming our way. What is this information ecosystem that's basically come into existence in the past 30 years? It's going to take some time for society to catch up. To learn more about how we can avoid being duped by deep fakes, check out episode 486 of the Jordan Harbinger show.

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Every story is verified. Their site even has photos so you know even the most bizarre stuff you're hearing is somebody's real life. Listen to what was that like on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or whatever app you're using right now. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical useful podcast. way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts

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