The Jordan Harbinger Show - 652: Sad About Dad's Sexist Thoughts Re: Assault | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: April 15, 2022

Your father's never been abusive, but you were recently disheartened when he referred to a child sexual assault survivor and advocate who's been in the news lately as a "media-hungry slut." And when you brought up how this made you feel to your mother, she dismissively suggested you should just let it go because he's always been supportive of you. Is there another approach you can try with your parents to make them understand they're missing the whole point about why you're upset? We'll try to find an answer to this and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/652 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Why does Jordan crusade hard against MLM scams while giving infomercials that peddle shoddy goods a pass? How can you help the people of Ukraine as they continue to suffer the atrocities of invasion by Russian forces? Here's a list. How do you make your father understand why you're so upset about dismissive, sexist remarks he casually made regarding a sexual assault survivor who's been in the public eye? Your father and older sister have serious health issues that require constant care. How can you handle feelings of wanting to run away at a time when you're needed the most? A creative project on which you collaborated with your significant other fell by the wayside when you had a very bitter breakup. Is there a way to finish the project -- giving your ex credit and a share of the profits for their contributions -- without actually bringing this person back into your life? [Thanks to Cypher Content founder Edward Sabin for helping us with this one!] Your friend's brother died in a car crash when their sister, who survived, was texting behind the wheel. As the maid of honor for this friend's wedding, you want to honor the memory of their late brother in your speech, but you don't want to exacerbate the guilt, shame, regret, and PTSD of the surviving sister, who will be present. What's the right thing to do here? When you have a little extra to give and want to donate to a charity that is working to make the world a better place, how do you decide on the right charity? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy mad yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, my FBF, BFF, Gabriel Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills

of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the matrix when it comes to how amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker

so you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own brain. If you're new to the show, on Fridays we give advice to you and answer listener questions the rest of the week. We have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks, from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. This week we had some really interesting episodes, one with Brian Class. What makes people corruptible? Is it the system that they're in that's corrupt, that corrupts people?

Is it that corrupt people seek out corruption? Is it that corrupt people corrupt the system in the first place? Is it a cycle? We explore all the elements of corruption and corrupt people in the context of what creates and maintains and even encourages corruption. So great mix of personal and social psychology in that one. Also, Anya Shortland, on kidnap insurance, how it works, how kidnapped negotiations work, how the kidnapping market, if you will, functions and operates is a really interesting look inside a world that none of us, frankly, really ever get to see, and hopefully never have to

see. So make sure you've had to listen to everything that we created for you here this week. By the way, before we begin today, a few of you have noticed that I love to take down multi-level marketing companies. I almost said scams. They're scams. But I never, and I quote, seemed to bother saying anything about infomercials for some reason. So I just wanted to address that really quick because the assumption in that question is that MLMs are real product businesses, perhaps of dubious quality, but nothing more. Nothing more is flawed. These are scams, period. Infomercials, look, they're crap products most of the time, but people have a right to buy crap if they want to. If it were up to me, I'd say get rid of these, but look, they're nowhere

near as predatory as MLMs. I don't think they should be regulated away or anything like that. They're just in poor taste. Selling a thymaster to the public, it's not even in the same universe of predatory, as is selling a fake business to a friend or family member with an unsubstantiated promise of getting rich. It's not even close. Also, infomercials don't create a cycle of victimhood and toxicity. When you buy a thymaster, you're out 20 bucks. But then you're not telling your cousin Judy that she can get rich selling thymasters and you have also been getting rich buying thymasters and selling them and selling the ability to sell them. And then if Judy also sells the rest of the gals at work on the ability to sell thymasters, and then if Judy also sells the rest of the gals at work on

the ability to sell Thymasters to other people, they'll also get rich. That is what an MLM does. So it not only steals your money, but it forces you to make up the losses by conning other people and tricking them into the same trap. And that is why it is such an insidious mess and why I have such a boner for seeing these guys put out of business and exposing them. Now, for more on this topic, I recommend checking out, and this will be in the show notes. Our scams and cults starter pack, tons of great episodes in there, Jordan Harbinger.com slash start or search Spotify for Scams and Cults,

the Jordan Harbinger Show, and it'll pop up. Also, our deep dive on how to avoid scams. It goes into the psychology of scams. That's episode 395, and Amanda Montel on the language of fanaticism, where she talks about how MLMs operate like cults. That's episode 628, pretty recent. Of course, I will do yet more

on multi-level marketing and the associated scams, because anyone we save from signing up for that crud is a sole save from financial damnation. I'm a fire and brimstone kook when it comes to MLMs, as you can see. And by the way, if you're watching what's happening in Ukraine and you don't know how to help, we've pulled a vetted list of organizations that will ensure your donation makes it to the ones who need it most. Just go to Jordan Harbinger.com slash Ukraine.

Some really great organizations there and a great way to support Ukraine in its time of need. So thanks in advance for checking that out and for your support of the people of Ukraine. All right. As always, some fun ones and some doozies. let's get the first thing out of the mailbag. Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I live in Australia, and for the past couple of months, Grace Tame, a child sexual assault survivor and advocate, has found herself in hot water with the

Prime Minister because she's publicly criticized his lack of support for her advocacy work. I'm very supportive of this cause, as anyone with an ounce of empathy would be. My dad, however, called her, quote, a media-hungry slut. I don't have any history of abuse in my family, but these words really upset me because young women who speak up about sexual assault in any way are being brutalized by the Australian media right now. The mainstream media drag victims' names through the mud, and the result is people like my father are taking the bait. I confronted my mom about how uncomfortable I felt as a young woman to hear these words, and that I don't think I would be very comfortable coming to him if I ever had to

experience something like this. She said, quote, that's not very fair to say, and I will not be passing this on to him. He has supported you more than anyone. While I do have very supportive parents, I also know that this is super manipulative. It breaks my heart that they have two daughters, and they still think it's okay to speak about victims of sexual assault like this. I feel guilty about saying anything to him, but should I? Do you guys have any tips on how I could confront this issue with my parents without making them defensive? Or has the damage already been done? Signed, a mift and dismissed miss pissed about this abyss. All right, Eminem, calm down over there. Gabriel thinks he's the next slim shady over here. This is a tough one. You know, I think everyone listening to

right now has had a moment like this with their parents, whether it's disagreeing about politics or culture or gossip or whatever it is. But with this subject in particular, it's very personal. It's charged. There's gender stuff and generational stuff wrapped up in it. So I can see why it's upset you so much. You know, it's not about like being woke or not. This is about communicating with your parents. And your dad believes that this woman speaking out against sexual assault and lobbying the government is manipulative attention seeking. And you believe that she's bringing something crucial to people's awareness and making some much needed change. And the way your mom responded when you brought this up with her, yeah, it feels pretty dismissive at a minimum. But that also

makes me think that this might just be a generational thing. Or maybe it's kind of a whatever dad says goes kind of house and she's just backing him up as a matter of policy. Either way, it sucks that they couldn't hear you out, even if they ultimately disagree. So should you say something? Should you try again? If this is really bothering you, then maybe, it might be worth bringing it up one more time, trying to approach the conversation in a different way. And one way to do that would be to make some time with your parents. Get as calm and non-reactive as you can and say, listen, Dad, I know you're not a fan of Grace Tame. And that's fine. I'm not going to try and convince you she's an amazing person or whatever. That's kind of besides the point. But what bothered me

about our last conversation was that you didn't seem to appreciate what this woman has been through, what she's trying to bring to light through her advocacy work. And when you called her a media hungry slut, that really upset me. It made me feel like you don't think sexual assault is a serious issue, that you don't appreciate how the laws around sexual assault in our country need more work to really be effective. Grace Tame, whatever you feel about her personally, she's trying to give victims a stronger voice. She's teaching people about the psychology of abuse. She's trying to help prevent it in the future.

And I happen to think that's hugely important. That would be a nice way to start. But because your dad is skeptical, you might want to add something like, and look, I know there's an element of self-promotion in being an advocate. You have to fight for airtime, and maybe that's why you called her media hungry. And hey, maybe you have a point. But when you also called her a slut, such a loaded term, totally inaccurate, especially given that this woman was literally groomed for abuse from the age of 15 and abused by

her teacher, that made me really sad and it didn't sit well with me. Because I've been lucky that this kind of thing hasn't happened to me personally. But if something like this had happened, as it happens to so many women, I don't think I would be comfortable coming to you to talk about it. And that breaks my heart because you have two daughters. You're an amazing dad in so many ways, but in this one area, I feel like you're missing the point, or you just have blinders on. And so I wanted to talk about that with you. Hopefully understand your position better and help you understand mine. If you can lay it out in that way, you'll maximize your chance of really getting through to your dad. You'll have to resist the impulse to get upset and lecture him. You don't want him to feel

attacked. Approach him as an equal. Don't try to convince him of your view right out of the gate. And I think you'll have a shot at showing him another angle on the situation. Yeah, I think that's a really great approach, Jordan. What I also like about it is that you're moving it away from Grace Tame as a person, who might be easy for some people to criticize and refocusing it on the core issue, which is assault and how people deal with that in Australia. Now, if you take Jordan's approach, will you for sure be successful? Hard to say, who knows? Your dad might dismiss you.

He might double down on his position. And if he does that disrespectfully or in a way that doesn't allow for a real conversation between the two of you, then you'll have to do basically what we all have to do when our loved ones hold very different beliefs from us, which is, you know, accept it. I guess at the end of the day. And that's really tough, especially when your parent holds a distasteful view or a limited view about something as important as sexual assault. But if he absolutely refuses to consider another perspective, then I think you sort of have to quarantine this one belief from the dad you know and love and just appreciate him on the levels that do work. I know that's cold

comfort. I know it doesn't really help with the frustration, but I don't think you have any other option. And look, hey, maybe you try again with your dad in six months or a year, maybe when new information comes to late or you guys have another opportunity to talk about it one day, he'll see things in a different way. I'm not saying you should give up on your dad completely here. You might just need to be patient with him. The other thing I'll say is, I think it's important sometimes to separate an opinion from a person. Because maybe your dad really does believe this about Grace Tame, or maybe he's just parroting something he heard on cable news or whatever. But when your parents hold views that you profoundly disagree with, you also have to ask yourself, are they still good people? At heart, you know,

Do they still love me? Do they still want what's best for me? It's easy to read intent and character into people's opinions. And obviously, sometimes there is intent. Sometimes it is a reflection of character. But sometimes an opinion is just ignorance or faulty thinking. Sometimes it really has no bearing about how the person feels about you. And for the sake of the relationship, you have to forgive it until the other person's ready to reconsider. Yeah, good point, Gabe.

But that is so hard to do when your dad is telling you a sexual assault survivor is a media-hungry slut. How do you overlook that? I'm not saying it isn't hard. And maybe you can overlook it. But I guess what I'm saying is you don't overlook it. You contextualize it. You hold it alongside this person's other qualities, qualities that might in the context of a parent, be more important, and try to understand if their opinion means that they're actually

malicious or that they just believe some talking point they read in a Facebook group or whatever. Because otherwise what? You don't talk to your dad ever again because you disagree about one thing? I mean, that's pretty sad too. Yeah, fair point. I think the deciding factor here is how your dad engages with you when you try one more time. If he genuinely listens to you, tries to open his mind, but he still arrives at the exact

same conclusion, which is unlikely if he's truly listening. But anyway, that's tough. But at least your relationship is alive. But if he refuses to even try to appreciate where you're coming from, that's tougher. Because then it's not even about grace, tame, or sexual assault anymore. It's about how your dad treats you, how seriously he takes you. And hey, if that happens, maybe that's where you take the conversation. You know, Dad, I'm really trying to understand where you're coming from, and I just don't feel

like you're doing the same thing for me. Can you try to hear me for a minute? I'll accept whatever you decide to believe, but please just listen for a moment. Sometimes saying something like that goes a very long way. So I hope you guys do get to talk, and that maybe you and your mom get to talk, too. Sounds like that's another side of this triangle that's actually worth exploring. I do think there's a way forward if you guys can listen and understand, other better. So good luck and let us know how it goes. Gabe, this is tough because it's in

Australia. It's somebody I've never heard of, but all these points still stand because this isn't about sexual assault or grace tame. Hopefully we're pronouncing that correctly. It's about communicating with your parents and having a hard time doing that. And I feel like everyone has had this problem. That is universal. Yeah, everyone. No matter what side of the globe you're on. You know who actually is, without question, a media hungry slut? Besides me, of course, the amazing sponsors that support this show. listening to Feedback Friday here on the Jordan Harbinger Show. We'll be right back. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going.

Who doesn't love some good products and or services? You can always visit Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals for all the details on everybody that helps support the show. And now back to Feedback Friday on the Jordan Harbinger show. All right. What's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a 25-year-old male and my father's health has been declining due to continued complications from lung cancer. Our relationship has always been somewhat difficult for me because he has so little patience or listening skills. That sounds petty, but we've never really been able to talk to each other in a genuine way, so we have a kind of artificial surface level relationship. On top of that, my older sister's health is also declining due to MS. I'm now having a very strong

and shameful feeling that I have to run away from all of these problems. I don't think I have it in me to take care of either of them, let alone both. I have a voice in my head telling me, You can't handle this, run away, but then also, how dare you think of running away? You're heartless, but also you have to put yourself first at all hours of the day. I have a history of depression and have seriously contemplated suicide in the past. I've done much better with my mental health in recent years and have started my own life with my own place with a partner of over a year, but I can feel the stress of these situations slowly breaking down all of the progress that I've made. How can I handle these feelings of wanting to run away in a time where I'm needed the most?

Signed, keeping at bay, this urge to run away. Ah, man, that is a lot for anyone to handle. I'm so sorry your dad's decline and your sister's health stuff are all happening at the same time. That's when it rains, it pours. And I can definitely understand why you feel this conflict around helping. So my first reaction is, this feeling of wanting to run away, I actually think that's very normal. You're heading toward a potential iceberg here, metaphorically speaking. No reasonable person looks at an obligation like this and thinks,

Wow, I can't wait to play caregiver to my dad and sister at such a young age, lucky me. Of course you want to run away, man. This is intense. There's a lot of unknowns. And this distant relationship you have with your dad, I'm sure that makes it even harder to picture yourself being there for him. Plus, you've struggled with your mental health between the depression and the rumination and that rapid anxious back and forth thinking all the time.

So this whole situation with your dad and your sister is going through a very difficult filter in your mind. And that's only generating the worst possible feelings and ideas. So the first thing I would do is just accept that impulse to run away. I'm not telling you to run away. I'm just saying try not to judge it too much, at least for a moment. You're suffering enough already. You don't also need to suffer about feeling the wrong things

or thinking the wrong thoughts. Then, you need to come up with a plan. And the good news is, time is on your side, at least for a little while. Your dad is still alive and communicative from the sound of it. Your sister's health is declining,

but I'm assuming she's still able to make plans. That's great. That's a huge advantage. And if you capitalize on it, it'll make this whole situation a lot more manageable. Then I would set some time to talk to both of them. Make them your partners

in coming up with a care plan. And that usually means a few things. reaching out to a few friends and family members who can pitch in when you need an extra hand, maybe share some of the responsibility if that's appropriate, be there to listen when you need some love and support, including your girlfriend, finding the money and support you need for their care, like sorting out their insurance, setting aside cash to cover expenses, finding the right doctors, possibly hiring a nurse, that kind of stuff, the nuts and bolts of medical care, reaching out to organizations that can offer advice, resources, relationships, for example,

a hospice for your dad if it comes to that, or getting in touch with the National MS Society, which has a ton of amazing resources for people in your shoes. And by the way, we're going to link to a ton of these resources like that for you in the show notes. I would start reading those ASAP. That'll be a huge help right now. I would also involve your dad and sister in coming up with this plan, not just because it's partly their responsibility, but also because they should have a big say in their treatment and care. So ask them what they want. Maybe delegate certain tasks to them, ask them to handle certain pieces of the plan while they can, create a real team here. This should not all fall on you. I have a feeling that'll go a long way in making this doable for you,

because I wonder if you have this urge to run away because you feel like this is all your responsibility and you're just going to be left alone with it. But that doesn't have to be the case, at least not right now. You can approach your family in a way where you won't be alone with this. Once you have it all sorted out, then you have a system, a process, or taking care of your father and your sister, it won't be this huge, vague, overwhelming problem. It'll be a calendar and a list and a set of relationships you need to manage. That is way more doable. Is it a lot to handle? Of course it is. Is it going to be sad and draining sometimes? Absolutely. But it won't be crushing. That's the point of making the plan. And while you do all that, I would really prioritize your mental health.

Taking care of yourself, that is part of the plan too. So a few things. First of all, therapy, for sure. If you're not already there, you definitely need a place to process everything that's happening with your dad and sister. You need a professional keeping an eye on the depression and the suicidal ideation. Second, time to just be a human being who gets to live his life, spending time with your girlfriend, watching a little Netflix, seeing some friends, moving your body around a few times a week, enjoy a hobby. That might seem like a distraction or yet another responsibility on top of your dad and sister, but they are not. These things will save you. And finally, Finally, remembering that you are one guy who can only do his best in a really tough situation.

Your dad and your sister, they deserve your help, they deserve your love, of course, but you also have to live your life and take care of yourself, be more than just a caregiver. And I really do think that's possible if, and it's a crucial if, if you start working with your dad and sister now. So that's my final thought. Don't wait. Notice your mind telling you to run away, recognize the thought is just a thought, and then do some reading about your options online. Reach out to your dad and sister. Start putting one foot in front of the other. I can promise you that the only way to make this situation worse is to put it off.

The more you can confront the anxiety and the sadness and the uncertainty by getting in front of it, the easier this will be in the future. So give yourself that gift. Use the avoidance to lean into the responsibility. And know that with some planning, collaboration, and support, which is definitely, out there, you will get through this. I know it's painful, my man. I'm so sorry that you're going through it, but you can handle it. You have all our confidence. So take care of yourself as well, and good luck. You know, Gabe, this kind of, he's in a much more serious situation, but this reminds me of a few years

ago when the business was really just, you know, we were starting from zero. Sure. The uncertainty that was there. And what really helped, one of the things that really helped me, aside from relationships and network was really what we said here about putting one foot in front of the other. I felt like a blender with the top off. Right. You know, everything's shooting up my energy all over making a huge mess. When I started to focus and really do things like, okay, I need to make a list of what needs done. And every day I would chop things off that list. I felt like a laser beam. And I felt like I was getting a ton of things done. And it felt great. I was still stressed out like crazy and anxious. But I didn't feel like I was just drowning and treading water poorly. I felt like I was at least

swimming towards the shore. Yes, absolutely. That's what he needs to do. I think that'll make a big difference. Just a week of crossing those things off of his list will probably give him a very different feeling about the whole, the whole challenge. 100%. Dude, throw it in frigging Trello or to-doist or something. If you want to see your progress being checked off, that might even be motivated. Like, oh, I feel like I'm never going to get out of this hole. Well, I've done 50 things and called 50 people and made 20 articles, right? So that kind of stuff will really be all the difference. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise.

Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a whole lot easier. If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on stuff. Life, love, work, what to do if the love of your life's parents are trying to marry her off to a man of their choosing in order to cement their financial legacy? Whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous.

All right. What's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a 27-year-old female and aspiring comic artist. I was in a six-year romantic relationship with someone who wanted to pursue similar goals, or so I thought. We spent around three years perfecting a story to eventually make into a web comic. The plan was she would write the script and I would draw it. Long story short, we had a very bad breakup and now she refuses to talk to me in person. The only thing tying us together is this project. She told me via email that she still wants to write but has no time to continue the project right now and that I should just go ahead and do the work to make it happen. I've since realized that this person has used me for her own

gain and is stringing me along without actually taking the time to repair this very broken relationship. I want nothing to do with her now, but I do want to keep everything she's written on this project. She refuses to talk to me about this, and I don't know how I should go about protecting the material. I have recordings, outlines, scripts, character bios, lore notes, all of which we collaborate, on, but she was the main writer. The initial story and characters came from me in addition to all the art and storyboards. I have a deep emotional attachment to this project. I would credit her and even give her a percentage of profit, but I also no longer want her in my life. What should I do? Signed, stuck in this panel. Well, this is an interesting situation. I'm sorry about the breakup. Breakups are

always tough, but the breakup with your collaborator on a project you really love is brutal. We wanted to run your question by an expert. So we reached out to Edward Sabin, founder of Cipher Content, a TV production company. He also practiced law for many years before becoming a producer. And the first thing Edward said was that you and your ex are definitely bound up in this project together. Because you were both co-creators, probably about 50-50 contributors, you both have rights to this work. And if you move forward, that will make things a bit messy. The way copyright law works is just very simply, the person who creates the material in any fixed form is the owner of the copyright, generally speaking. So whoever wrote the words down or created the images is the owner of the copyright.

And since both of you put this idea into fixed form in different ways, you both own the rights. So regardless of who wrote the dialogue or who created the characters, Edward said that there will at least be a presumption that each of you owes it to the other to do the project together. So Edward's advice is that you need to come to some kind of agreement with your ex. I know you said she doesn't want to talk to you about this, but the only way you can safely move forward from a legal standpoint is to get something in writing from your ex that basically says, I hand over the rights in this project to you,

and in exchange, I get whatever you guys agree on, a split of any future profits, a fixed fee per edition or per post, some kind of rev share, whatever it is. But you definitely need to get that agreement in writing. It can't just be a phone call where your ex goes, Yeah, you know what, take it. I'm moving on. It's yours. Edward's advice, talk to a lawyer about putting together an agreement or get a proper copyright transfer document from an online legal service.

There are a ton of resources out there for copyright transfer. We're going to link to a few good ones we found in the show notes. Then you could tweak the agreement to reflect the deal you all come to. For what it's worth, Edwards said that you'll probably want to make the compensation agreement, a percentage of whatever profits you make from this graphic novel. given that webcomics usually take a long time to pay off and probably don't earn a ton of revenue proposed anyway. And if you can't or don't want to consult with a lawyer,

Edward said you could try to do this on your own. You know, like send her an email saying, here's our agreement, you assign me the rights to this project, I pay you 25% of any future profits or whatever. And then she hopefully responds by saying, I agree. But if you do that, you will take on some risk. As Edward put it to us, if this webcomic ever became, I don't know,

The Simpsons or something like that, someone somewhere is going to open up that old agreement one day and challenge it. Is it likely that this one project will become a massive hit? Probably not, just given the statistics. But even if it's a moderate hit, or it becomes popular on Instagram, or Reddit, or it mutates into another great idea that actually does take off, that's something to keep in mind. But this is interesting, Gabe. I'm sure tons of people have been in this woman's shoes, collaborated with a romantic partner on a cool project or a business, went through a bad breakup, then realized they are tied together, but they don't want to speak to each other again.

Yeah. So what's the solution? Do you just take that risk, or do you refuse to collaborate with a partner because things could go south? I'm married to my business partner. This is bad news, man. Yeah. Well, we asked Edward about that, too, and his take was that copyright assignments are even more

important in partnerships like this. The likelihood that two people are going to make a fair, level-headed decision about a creative project after they break up. It's pretty low. It's always more fraught, certainly compared to just two artists who simply agree to part ways, right? Edward's recommendation, although he did say that this isn't always possible, is get something very simple in writing before you begin working. Kind of like a creative pre-up, because that will save you a ton of headaches down the road. But the reality is very few people are actually going to do that, right? Like just imagine, Jordan, you're chilling with your partner. It's a Saturday night. You're in love, you're inspired.

It's that heady honeymoon phase and you start pitching ideas for a cool fantasy comic or whatever. And then someone's going to go, hold on, let me go grab that pre-nup from legal Zoom. Not going to happen. It's kind of a buzzkill, which means that people end up in exactly this position quite a lot. So the truth is you always take a risk when you collaborate with somebody, especially with a romantic partner. Edward's opinion is just know that going in. Be willing to accept that risk. And do your best to come to a clear written agreement after the fact if you have a deep emotional

attachment to the project like you do. And since your ex is being a bit difficult about communicating, it might take a little extra persistence and diplomacy on your part to make this happen. I would try to show her that you're being fair, you're being forthright, that you're making it super easy for her to potentially make more money down the road for no additional work on her part. Hopefully she'll be cool enough to at least hit you with a quick. Yeah, I agree. That sounds good. And then you can have some measure of confidence that you're good to proceed on your own. Yeah, that's sound advice. And you know, just waiting a few months for emotions to settle a bit, and then picking this back up, that might be all it takes to get an agreement to move forward, a little cool-down time,

plus the idea that this project is in danger of stalling if people can't be reasonable, that might be just enough to get things moving in the right direction again. And I hope you get to control this project, wishing you all the best. You know who won't maliciously shatter your dreams, Gabriel? The amazing sponsors that support this show. This is The Jordan Harbinger Show, and this is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back. And now for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

All right, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, my best friend Julie is getting married in three months, and I'm her maid of honor. Tragically, she lost her brother four years ago in a car accident due to a driver texting behind the wheel. What makes this even more tragic was that the driver was Julie's older sister. I want to briefly acknowledge their late brother during my wedding speech, but my fear is that this could trigger Julie's sister.

I know she's still carrying a ton of guilt, shame, and regret as a result of the accident. She's also highly anxious and suffers from PTSD. The last thing I want to do is make anyone uncomfortable or sad during my speech. Julius has had many breakdowns during the wedding planning as she realizes that her brother will not be there to meet her husband and share in this joy. But I grew up with this family and I knew Julie's brother, so I feel that not acknowledging him would be disrespectful. If her brother had died in a car accident that was not a result of their sister to

texting, I would definitely mention him. But since the circumstances are different, I feel like I might be adding salt to a very deep wound. So should I acknowledge him in my speech? Signed, recognizing the deceased without ruining the feast. Oh, man, this is incredibly tragic. My heart just aches for Julie and her sister. Yeah. This has got to be so tough for them, especially the sister to attend a huge family event knowing your brother isn't there because of you. I just, I can't even imagine. carrying that around. That's a level of pain that most people will never have to go through. So given all that, I do think you need to be very delicate about how you talk about their brother. I know you grew up with Julie and her family. I know you had a relationship with him,

but bringing him up publicly at a wedding when emotions are probably already running high, and there's champagne in the mix, you're right, that could definitely be pouring salt in a very deep wound. Sure, it could be a nice moment, could be, or it could just bring down the whole event and make everyone really uncomfortable and sad. And make you look a little tone deaf for bringing all of that up on what's supposed to be a happy day. The solution is pretty simple. I would ask Julie. It's her wedding. This is her brother. I would sit down and talk to her about it point blank. Like, so listen, I'm working on my speech for the wedding, and I just wanted to ask if I should acknowledge Michael in my speech. I know it's a really painful subject. I obviously don't want to bring

the room down or hurt your sister in any way. So just tell me, would that be appropriate? Is that my place? Or would you just rather I stay away from it? And let Julie tell you what's best. If she's like, actually, yeah, that would be really nice. Then I would ask her exactly how she wants you to talk about it. Maybe even run that section of your speech by her and maybe encourage her to get her sisters okay on it too, because this will obviously be most difficult for her. But if Julie's like, actually, that'd be really hard for us to hear, let me and my husband honor Michael in our own way or whatever, you know, then listen to her and leave it out. Pretty simple, really. It's nice that you want to recognize him. I know it's coming from a good place, but this is Julie's call. Yeah, definitely Julie's call. That's

exactly right. And hey, maybe as her maid of honor, you can ask her if there are some other ways you can honor her brother at the wedding. Maybe you could write him a little tribute in the ceremony. program, that could be really nice. Maybe you pull together some photos of him, display them on a table at the reception or something like that. You see that at weddings quite a lot. It's really nice sometimes, if the family's into it. There are a lot of nice ways to bring somebody like this into the day, so I would just work with Julie on the one she and her family feel the most comfortable with. And depending on how close you are with her sister, maybe you check in on her during the evening, see if she's doing okay, give her a little love, because I'm sure that this wedding is going

to bring up a lot of stuff for her. I can't even imagine what that would be like. Maybe you just being there for her and for Julie is all the acknowledgement they need. Good ideas, Gabe. But yeah, definitely follow their lead here. You sound like a really good friend. And I'm sure you're going to be a great mate of honor. So enjoy the wedding and good luck. Gabe, this is so intense. I know it's kind of annoying to go on about. I'm not trying to do a whole PSA here, but this is a pretty damn stark reminder to not text and drive. People literally die because of it. And then to survive and carry that around with you the rest of your life is just beyond tragic. So be safe, y'all. Hands free, Bluetooth, do not disturb, all that stuff.

It is no joke. Just a friendly reminder from Uncle Jordan and Uncle Gabe who love you all very much and don't want to come up with any more sign-off names that rhyme with deceased. All right, next up. Hey, Jordan, do you donate to charities? Do you believe in them? If so, how do you decide where to give money? Signed, the flailing philanthropist. A lot of people ask me this. You know, which charity should I donate to? help. When anything happens in the world, I get emails like, okay, Ukraine, which charities? That's why we made Jordan Harbinger.com slash Ukraine. But anytime anything happens, I get a lot of emails about this. And I appreciate that. It's because I think about things that I do before I do them, generally speaking, which is a change from my 20s. So I actually save charity money throughout the year. And some of it

I earn through the show. When people pay me for consulting, I always donate that money to charity. I don't do it right away, though. I usually save it up into a big pot. And then at the end of of the year, I pick a bunch of charities to donate to. But I also do a lot of spontaneous charity. So, like, let's say I'm going to get a Starbucks and someone is at a booth on the way out, and they're like, hey, if you donate $10, we get a kid a backpack to go to school. But if you donate $500 or $1,000, we send a young girl to school in Indonesia for like two years. I'll look up the charity on Charity Navigator, so it's not a scam, hopefully. And then I'll just donate the max. Like, the one where if they get one of these during the whole week, they get to throw their

boss into a pool with all their clothes on or something like that. They always have crazy stuff that they do to encourage people to push for that. And I'll often just drop that down. Another thing I'll do is community-based stuff. I haven't done this in a long time because of COVID especially. But one thing I loved doing a long time ago, I was in a park, there was an ice cream truck. And there were a lot of it was kind of rough area. There's a lot of kids that like were just kind of there seemingly alone. And I went up to the ice cream truck guy and I was like, hey, what if I just plunk down my card? How much is everything in the truck. And the guy's like, oh, it's 450 bucks or whatever. And I was like, all right, charge me that and just give the kids free ice cream until you run out. So the first

group of kids comes up and I was like, hey, tell your friends, everything in the truck is free until the truck runs out. And then, of course, they got mobbed. I mean, it was immediate and fun and everybody was super excited. So just being able to sort of bask in that sort of thing was great. And that's not a long term helping a girl in Indonesia go to school for five years kind of charity, but it was fun just to see kids have a magical moment. Like hundreds of kids potentially have a magical moment right in front of me. And that was really, really cool. So I like doing things like that in addition to investing in really good charities that are well

thought out, but are a million miles away and I'm never going to see the results of. The reason that it's important to mix these two, for me anyway, is that while I love being like, oh, we donated $10,000 this year to leukemia research for a rare kind of leukemia that kids get or whatever. You know, that's amazing, and that's a logical choice. But at some level, at some point, you have to have the dopamine rush from the charity itself to stay motivated. There's a lot of psychological research on this from people like Dr. Brad Clantz, who's coming

on the show, by the way, where you really need to be able to sort of soak it up in order to enjoy it and associate it with a really fun rush. And by the way, that doesn't just result in you only throwing your credit card down at the ice cream truck. it usually results just in more charity in general. And it's also a really good example for other people to be more giving. So donate to the causes and charities you believe in, do a little bit of research, but also look for ways to be spontaneously generous as well.

Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened. Thank you so much. Don't forget to check out the episodes with Brian Class on corruption and corruptibility and Anya Shortland on kidnapping and kidnapping insurance and negotiation. Great episodes this week if you haven't heard of me. yet. Also, Skeptical Sunday coming up in a couple of days, ear candling. Surprise, it's a bunch of nonsense. Hope you guys are liking these Skeptical Sunday episodes. We plan to do a bunch more. Coming up over

the next few months, would love your feedback on those as well. If you want to know how I managed to book all the great guests on the show, it's always about my network. It's about systems, software, and tiny habits. I'm teaching you those same tactics. It's our six-minute networking course, and the course is free over on the think-ific platform, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. I'm teaching you how to dig that well before you get thirsty. The drills are designed to take just a few minutes a day. It's the type of habit that you really ignore at your own peril. I wish I knew this stuff 20 years ago.

It's been crucial for me. Again, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Show notes at Jordan Harbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram, or just hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel, Mizrahi. The show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird,

Millio Campo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions, they're our own. And yeah, I'm a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto Edward Sabin. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love, and if you found this episode useful,

please share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. If you're looking for another episode of the Jordan Harbinger show to sink your teeth into, here's a preview of my conversation with Austin Meyer. He's a software developer who exposes patent trolls and how they shake down innocent victims using legal loopholes and abuse of this system. I was working at a trade show in Oshkosh, Wisconsin,

where I was sitting there in a sweltering hot aircraft hangar, showing X-plane, my flight simulator, to a steady parade of sweaty pilots wandering through the hangar to look at my various wares, and all of us from the phone rings. Hello, I noticed you've been sued for patent infringement. I'd be happy to represent you for a price. And I said, no, I'm not going to settle with somebody I've never even heard of before for infringing on a disposed patent I've never heard of before.

And he said, okay, just remember, your defense cost is going to run around $3 million. Wow. The patent claims to own the idea of one computer checking another computer to see a if a computer program is allowed to run. The patent we were sued on had, as I recall, 113 claims. And every claim was almost the same. In other words, one claim would say, a computer accessing another computer to unlock software.

And the next thing would be software unlocked by one computer accessing another computer. Now, it was just the same thing over and over 113 times phrased a little bit differently each time. Because since it took us four years and $2 million to overturn one of those sentences, They had the same thing written down 112 more times, so they could put us through this for the rest of our lives.

For more with Austin Meyer, including the details of his own investigation into patent trolls and why none of us are safe, check out episode 326 of the Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show,

you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way.

Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured

in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews, because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that, I want to understand how people in the world really work, itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb

and start listening. You can thank me later.