The Jordan Harbinger Show - 675: A Tenant, Psychotic, Makes Your Life Chaotic | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: May 27, 2022

You invited a friend to rent one of your rooms for a year. Only five months in, she's having delusional psychotic breaks in which she claims to be God, purports to read minds, and accuses your fiance and numerous others of raping her. Under the circumstances, your family doesn't feel safe having her in your home anymore, and you've let her know she's not welcome back. Now she's calling you incessantly and making you feel guilty for not supporting her as a "friend." Do you have a responsibility to help her, or -- for the sake of your family's safety -- are you right for cutting her off? We'll try to find an answer to this and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/675 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Do you have a responsibility to keep renting a room to a friend who had a psychotic break, or does your family's safety come first? [Thanks to attorney Corbin Payne for helping us field the legalities of this one!] The private school where you teach is rife with corrupt policies. Should you try to change the system from within, or find another job before an inevitable lawsuit brings the whole place down? Because you're young and you want to be free to explore your romantic options, you may have been too hasty when you agreed to date your college girlfriend exclusively. Is there a way to back out of the arrangement without being a complete heel? A recent miscarriage seems to be just the tip of a cascading torrent of misfortune and tragedy that has you experiencing frequent anxiety attacks and a constant state of fight or flight. What can you do to turn things around? How can you make sure your good work is rewarded by the entrenched corporate hierarchy at your office when you have an incompetent manager taking credit for everything you and your team have done? [Thanks to executive coach and From Start-Up to Grown-Up author Alisa Cohn for helping us field this one!] Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored in part by Conspiruality Podcast. You know how I'm always talking about critical thinking and spotting manipulation? Well, there's a podcast that's all about dismantling new age cults, wellness grifters, and conspiracy med yogis, basically the wild overlap of spirituality and misinformation. It's called the Conspiruality Podcast. The hosts, a journalist, cult researcher, and a philosophical skeptic, dive deep into how this stuff spreads, from Project 2025 and the Heritage Foundation's dystopian vision of the future to how former leftists get pulled into far-right conspiracies.

An interesting episode to check out is called Speaking Truth to Goop, where Jen Gunter breaks down the pseudoscience behind the wellness industry in a way that is super entertaining and eye-opening. It's sharp, funny, and makes you a lot harder to fool, which, if you listen to this show, you know I'm all about that. From exploring cults to analyzing our cultural and political landscape, the Conspiratuality Podcast will help you stay informed against misinformation and resist fear tactics.

Find Conspirality on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday, producer, the polarized lenses snapping this blurry world of self-help into focus, Gabriel Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories,

secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help. you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind.

Now, if you're new to this show, on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. This week, we had Ken Croke, who went undercover in the infamous and very dangerous Pagan's Motorcycle Club. If you've seen Sons of Anarchy, these, guys are worse. It's just wild stories about nearly getting killed several times, bringing down dozens of some of the slimyest, most dangerous people in the country. This is a two-parter. It's quite a crazy listen. This is one brave undercover cop or former undercover cop. Make sure you've

had to listen to everything that we created for you here this week. As I mentioned before, I'm going to be interviewing author Ryan Holiday live on stage. This is a live show. I've never done this before. It's going to be in Los Angeles at the Venice West on June 13th, 2022. I'd love to see you there. Tickets are available at Jordan Harbinger.com slash tickets. Again, Jordan Harbinger.com slash tickets to come see me and Ryan Holiday in Los Angeles, June 13th. Hope to see you there. All right, Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. My fiance and I lead a busy and slightly chaotic life. We're raising two daughters, a 13-year-old who's going through puberty, and a two-year-old with some medical issues,

while also working full-time jobs. Last year, we invited a friend of ours to rent one of our rooms for a year. She was a graveyard shift nurse and was saving up to purchase her first home. It seemed like a great plan. She would pay less for rent and pay off some extra debt before buying, and my fiancé and I would be able to boost our savings after taking a hit. We've known her for a couple years, so this felt like a great fit. Then things started to get weird. For one thing, my fiance and I don't smoke, but we're 420 friendly, and her friend has always been open about her smoking weed. I thought she only smoked before going to bed, but a few months in I found out that she was smoking right after waking up, right before leaving for work, at work, and even before coming home.

She was also combining that with a prescription, Benzo. For those who don't know, Benzo is benzodiazepine. So these are like anti-aniety drugs, downers. And if she's smoking weed and taking that and then going to work as a nurse, is that right? Probably not a great mix for somebody who's taking care of people in a hospital. Not the woman you want treating you on the graveyard shift. All right, so she continues. Then about five months ago, she had a full psychotic break.

with delusions. She was yelling about being God, saying she could read my fiance's thoughts, that he wanted to rape her soul. I had to pack our kids up and take them to her relatives while we tried to help her. That evening, she kept saying she didn't feel safe with us and that she could feel our malicious intent. I talked her into going to the ER for an evaluation, but it was amazing how she switched to nurse mode and was released almost immediately. A few hours later, I found her lying in the bathtub at home convinced she had no blood in her head and was dying. I call 911, and she spent 45 days in a psychiatric hospital. In the two and a half months since, she's been re-hospitalized three times and hasn't been out for more than a week. During her most recent

hospitalization, she accused three exes, her dad, and my fiancee, of raping her. Her family has cut ties with her because all of this, and my fiance and I told her, we can't take her back. My oldest won't even sleep alone, and my family of four sleeps together in our room when she's around. I've now told her that she can't come back, but she continues to call me saying she doesn't understand why and that she thought I was supposed to be her friend. I don't know what to do anymore. Do I have a responsibility to help my friend? And how can I do that while maintaining my and my family's safety? Signed, bury the hatchet or play nurse ratchet. Oh boy, Gabe, this is, this is horrible. Another week, another psychotic tenant. Tell me about it. You know what we should do? We should start a

Facebook group for these people and let them all live with one another, you know, like squirrel in the mailbox guy, golf club guy, the schizophrenic guy. living in the top floor of that couple's house. Remember that guy? Oh, yeah, the yeller? Yep, the yeller. The roommate who fashioned a spear out of a broom handle the other week. And maybe they could all like split a house together. They'd be perfect roommates. Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty sure you just described a new season of American horror story. But yeah, it's a good idea. Has legs.

Would certainly be an interesting place to live next or to. Honestly, Gabe, these stories, they do really freak me out. All jokes aside, this woman and her fiancee let this friend into their house thinking she's one person. And then it just turns out she's a totally, totally different person. Yeah. And suddenly they're stuck with her. This is nightmarish, truly, right? They try to be a good person. Like, yeah, you can crash with us for a while.

Like, oh my God, you're a total basket case and possibly dangerous. To answer your question, do you have a responsibility to help this woman? Yes, but only up to a point. And I think you hit that point a long time ago. You took her to the ER when she had a psychotic break. You called 911 when she was at risk of hurting herself. You helped her get into a hospital, which is where she needs to be. Beyond that, I'm not sure what else you can do. In fact, by allowing her to stay with you, delaying treatment, tolerating her

hallucinations and delusions, it's almost like you're enabling her, right? You might actually be doing her a disservice because she's just kicking the can down the road and getting help. And in situations like this, sadly, things often have to get a lot worse before they get better. So when this woman calls you saying she doesn't understand why you won't allow her back when she tries to pull the friend card, you are well within your rights to draw a hard line. And I know that I get it. Like this goes against all your empathy. It goes against your instincts to help. It's so painful to watch, especially because you know, you're friends. You care about this person, right? And you're also a fellow human. But you have a family. You have two kids at home. You're not a bachelor with a wife. roommate, okay, or a bachelorette with a crazy roommate. This isn't healthy for the kids either. You don't want them growing up scared in their own house, living with somebody in the grip of florid psychosis. You have a responsibility to protect your home and your family, but also your sanity, and to trust that as heartbreaking as that is, that could put her on a path to getting the help

she actually needs. Yeah, I agree completely, Jordan, but you might have to do a little work connecting up the dots of the system. First off, I would call the Department of Mental Health, in your city or your county or whatever the equivalent of that is, and file a report, request that somebody come out and check on her. And then I would call adult protective services and do the same thing. And FYI, it's not totally clear whether APS can do something in a case like this, but it's worth a shot. Also, some police departments have something called a crisis intervention team, which is basically kind of like a partnership between law enforcement, mental health professionals, advocates. So maybe ask your local PD about that if they can send out a CIT unit to the house. Also,

I would probably try her parents one more time and see if you can make them understand just how serious this situation is. I know they're sick of her, they've cut her off. If they're willing to just come out one more time and take her to a facility, help her find a psychiatrist, affordable housing, maybe SSI, stuff like that, that would be great because there is a lot of work that goes into helping a person like this. You just can't do all of that on your own. We're also going to share some great articles on helping someone suffering from psychosis.

Those will be linked in the show notes for you. Definitely check those out. maybe send them to her parents as well, and just use every option at your disposal. If you do that, then you'll definitely have done your part here. And after that, it's really up to her and also the system to step up and hopefully help her get better. But the wrinkle here is that this woman could be considered your tenant, and you might effectively be her landlord. And that could make this whole thing a lot more complicated.

We wanted to know more about how that works, so we consulted with the one and only Corbin Payne, defense attorney in front of the show, And right away, Corbyn confirmed that you telling this woman to leave, that might essentially be an eviction. And he pointed out that a lot of states, especially right now, they have laws in place preventing landlords from evicting tenants without clear grounds, without giving them enough time to find a new place, stuff like that. And these laws usually require several notices to the tenant, opportunities for the tenant to respond, change the behavior in question, a specified amount of time for the tenant to find new housing, that kind of thing. So Corbyn's view is that it would be worth retaining an attorney specializing in landlord-tenant law in your area, or at least consulting with one, you know, getting on the phone for 10 or 15 minutes, running your story by them and seeing what they think. In his experience, giving proper

notice shouldn't be too expensive because apparently it's not all that complicated, but you do need somebody to guide you. And this is especially important because you're dealing with somebody who, from the sound of it, is pretty talented at working the system, right? She was able to work the doctors, she can go into nurse mode really easily, she probably knows some of the laws. She might not leave without putting up a fight. Also, as Corbyn pointed out, this is somebody who is whip smart when she's lucid, and who also seems to pinball back and forth between lucidity and psychosis, all of which calls for an increased level of care on the legal side of things. Yeah, man, Gabe, I'm already just wincing at the potential legal headache ahead for them if this woman puts up a fight about leaving.

I mean, maybe she was just Venmoing them $700 a month. and there was no paperwork and she has no tenant rights, that would make them lessee, sublessie, which could be an advantage, read your lease agreement and see. But depending on what state they live in, this agreement could imply a landlord-tenant relationship. All the more reason to consult with an attorney here. Also, you might have grounds for a restraining order slash order of protection from this woman. Basically, it's a court order that says she can't go within a certain distance of you,

your family, the house, because her behavior puts you guys in the way. legitimate fear. Again, having a lawyer here would be very helpful, but Corbyn did say that most courts have simplified the process for requesting a restraining order to make it easy for people who don't have lawyers to stay safe. I'm so sorry that you guys are dealing with this. This is, it's just awful. You try to do something nice for someone, try to build your savings back up, and then it just blows up in your face. I'm sure it's terrifying for you and for her. Literally everyone is suffering in this situation. Bottom line, connect the dots of the system, then draw a hard boundary to protect yourself and your family. And while you do all that, please take care of yourself

physically, mentally, emotionally, because I know a situation like this can take a real toll. So we're wishing you the best, and we're sending you and your family a hug from California. You know who you definitely should invite into your home, the amazing sponsors that support this show. We'll be right back. Thank you so much for listening to the show. All the sponsor discount codes and URLs are all in one place. Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. You can also search for any sponsor using the search box on the website at Jordanharbinger.com.

Please consider supporting those who support us. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Dear Jordan and Gabe, I've been working at a small, private Christian school for the last year and a half. I love to teach, and it's been impactful building relationships with students and seeing them grow. But there are some challenges to this place. For one thing, while I'm paid for 40 hours a week, I put in somewhere between 60 to 70 hours grading and planning. Then there was an

incident where 80% of my class cheated with wrong answers on an exam. I was told to keep the grades as is, and it was not documented. Kids regularly cheat on homework, and most of them have no idea what to do on tests and quizzes. More recently, the school was embroiled in a controversy where a TikTok filmed in a school bathroom went viral. While nothing explicit was involved, it did violate school guidelines. A blanket suspension was given out, and the situation was even given media coverage. The school then decided to roll back the punishment, allowing students back at school and dealing out punishments individually.

Since then, they've been cracking down on small things while letting bigger issues go. There have also been times where punishments for certain students have been decreased or dismissed if they or someone they know is a teacher's kid, goes to church, or gives substantially to the school or church. I don't think many other people involved realize how bad it is because this is the way it's always been. Now I'm conflicted. Should I stay, risk my job, and try to change the system from within, or simply leave before it all eventually implodes? Signed, resign myself to these crimes to shape young minds, or align myself with a more high-minded grind. Wow. Slow clap for that sign-off there, Gabe. Nice one. All right. Well, this school sounds like a total dumpster fire.

It sounds like a school from Gossip Girl or something, if people remember that show. Gabe, the place just sounds like super toxic. I mean, all schools have some degree of dysfunction no matter what. But when you have parents making big donations and relationships driving a lot of the decision-making, there's always going to be some degree of corruption baked in. And that's what this is, corruption. But in this case, it sounds like there's also a real culture issue at this school. That's an objectively tough problem to deal with as a teacher.

so I really do feel for you here. So look, about working 60, 70 hours a week but only being paid for 40, yes, that's an issue, but it might be something you just have to accept for now or find a way to improve on your own. I'm guessing most teachers work longer hours than the traditional 40-hour work week, as many professionals do, especially the good teachers who actually care like you. That said, 60 to 70 hours is way more than a standard work week. and if you feel it's too much, then you have a couple of options.

Option one is you find ways to be more efficient. You've only been in the job for a year and a half. You're still learning. Over time, I bet you'll get more confident. Your lesson plans will carry over from year to year. You'll learn how to grade papers faster. Some of this is just first slash second year growing pains, and I've known several teachers in my life, including my own mom.

And they all say grading was just one of the more tedious parts of the job, aside from, of course, the people drama that you're dealing with. but maybe there are little systems and hacks you can adopt to get through it faster. I would ask some of your peers how they manage it, if they have any tips, get some best practices. This hours thing might be something you have more control over than you think. Option two is after this school year, you ask for a raise. You tell them you spend 60 to 70 hours a week doing a job they said was 40. You're happy to do it, but you need to be compensated appropriately. If you do that, though, I recommend going in with a slam dunk case.

You might want to check out an article I recently wrote about how to get promoted. That'll give you some great ideas about how to plan for that conversation starting now. We'll link to that in the show notes. We also did a deep dive on this very subject. That's episode 666 coincidentally. But over there at your Christian school. But I know your main question is whether you should stick around. So let's dig into that.

Basically, you have to weigh the upsides to pushing for change against the downsides of staying in this obviously toxic environment. And a lot of that comes down to what you want to get out of this place. What goals you have for your career? Do you want to rise up? Carve out a bigger role for yourself. Do you want to run a school of your own one day? And would this be a way to prove that you can do that?

If you were able to clean this place up, could it actually be an amazing place? If so, hey, might be worth sticking around trying to change the system from within. But then you really have to be willing to put up with a whole bunch of really dysfunctional behavior in the meantime. Because the truth is, you won't be able to change this place overnight or even in a year or two. Transformation this big, it takes years. And it's the result of a ton of work at so many levels from admissions to rules to hiring

to core values. This isn't just like, you know, I'm going to book a couple of things. meetings with Principal Hoover and smooth out this whole cheating thing, this is you slowly acquiring more and more capital at this place, building relationships with other teachers who share your vision, finding champions at the highest levels to take a hard stance against cheating and filming creepy TikTok videos, and letting some students off easy because their dad paid for a new chapel or whatever. And I can almost guarantee that you're going to meet with pushback from people along the way. because change never happens without ruffling a few feathers.

What you're describing here, it is corruption, and corruption is very complex. In fact, if you want to learn more about corruption, why it develops, how to replace it with systems that are more fair, I highly recommend checking out my interview with Brian Class. That was episode 650. We'll link to that in the show notes as well. And anyway, I don't say all of this to dissuade you, only to make sure you're going into this with eyes wide open. That's sound advice, Jordan. But the reality is, even if he did everything right, this school might always be a little corrupt, especially because, like you said, it's a private school. There's money and relationships driving the place. I honestly don't know if one teacher, especially a new teacher, can fix that on their own. Because it's not even clear that the higher-ups want to fix this problem. Because I'm guessing they know which side their bread is buttered on. And it sounds to me like they're part of the problem.

Right. Anyway, any institution run by human beings will always be imperfect. The question is, which imperfections can you tolerate as a teacher and which ones are so obviously problematic that you just have to nope right out of there? And which ones could damage you personally? Like, if this school became famous again because a kid films a TikTok of something horrible happening and then when you go to interview at other schools, they're like, ooh, you worked at that place. I don't know, you know, something like that. That could be a risk. Or if the school, really does end up imploding and I don't know, there's no one left to give you a good reference, or you always have that stain on your resume. That's a concern too. Good point. It really does come down

to his values and goals and the potential rewards versus the risks. He has to get clear on what matters most to him long term. And look, if you decide not to take this on and get a job somewhere else, I think that's completely fair. I love your ambition. I really do. But sometimes the best move when you're in a toxic environment is to just get out of there. Find a place that values your hard work, fosters a good culture, doesn't always let money or politics win out over what's right, especially if you're going to be spending 70 hours a week for your students. If you're putting in that time, you want to put in that time at a place that you love. So do some soul searching, get clear on your priorities, and make a plan. These kids are lucky to have a teacher like you,

even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Good luck. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com, please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line that'll make things easier on us. If there's something you're going through any big decision you are wrestling with, or you want a new perspective on life, love, work, what to do if your husband has been cheating on you and lying about it for years. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous. All right, what's next? Hey, guys, I'm a college student in the UK, and about two months ago, I went on a date. with a friendly girl on a dating app. I was quite nervous when I first met her, and I didn't think

she was a fan of my personality, so I didn't expect it to lead anywhere serious. But the first time we met, she told me that she, quote, has never had a real conversation like this before with a date, which surprised me. We've been seeing each other for about two months now, and we meet quite often. I enjoy my sexual relationship with her, and I'd also say we're good friends. Then, around three weeks ago, she asked me if I wanted to be exclusive. I agreed, but I'm starting to regret that decision. She seems to have explored the world of casual relationships quite thoroughly, and I haven't. I haven't had a relationship before, and I've only had a very small number of casual interactions. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but I believe I'm a quite good-looking young man, and I feel like I would like

to explore more sexually now, whilst I still have my hair and my confidence. When I was in grade school, I missed out on dating and sex, so I feel like I have a bit of catching up to do now. I don't feel pressured to catch up. I honestly just want to explore more, but I also don't want to let her know that I want to go through a casual phase because that's private. So how do I communicate this to her without upsetting her? Signed, Copen with my nopein. All right, you handsome SOB, you can't be tied down because you want to get some strange

before you need a monthly subscription to Rogaine. I see you. I seriously, I do understand the binder in. It's an interesting question. So look, if you feel that this is your time to explore different relationships, that is a perfectly fair choice. And it's probably the right one, if you're just going to be anxious and thinking about dating other people the whole time,

it's not fair to you, it's not fair to this girl. She's explored the casual dating thing already. You have some catching up to do. That's a legitimate thing to want at your age. And playing the field, it's not just about getting wild and having fun. I understand. That's also a way to learn about yourself, understand what kind of partner you really want,

get to know different people. That's all important as well. But the tricky thing is going to be explaining this to her in a way that makes sense because you already agreed to be exclusive and now you have to backpedal. And I'm not sure you can do that without giving her some kind of explanation. So you have a couple options here. You could keep it general and say something like, listen, I've been doing a lot of reflection lately and I'm just not ready for a serious relationship at this point in my life. I'd still like to spend time with you, but I can't be the committed boyfriend I thought I could or something along

those lines. But you have to be prepared for her to press you for details because that just kind of begs the question, why can't you be the committed boyfriend that you said you could? Your other option here is to be more forthright. I know that's scary and yes, it might hurt her feelings a little bit, but it could also save her from being even more hurt. There's a kind way to say it though, and it's probably something like, look, I really like you. I like what we have. I value our connection, our friendship, but I'm 20 years old. I haven't had all the experiences you've had. and something is telling me that it's important for me to date around a little bit before I settle into an exclusive relationship. I know that might sound kind of selfish or superficial, but that's

just where I am right now. It's not a reflection of you. It's just a reflection of where I am right now. I'm very sorry that I said yes to being a couple before I understood that. That wasn't fair to you, and I apologize, and I hope you understand. And you know, Gabe, now that I've said it out loud. I actually think that's the best way to go. Because ironically, the truth is ultimately kinder than the generic version of whatever story he could tell her, which she's not going to buy anyway. She's going to be hurt by that in any case. I'm with you 100%. If he's kind to her, even while he's being pretty honest, that'll probably go over better than trying to treat her with kid gloves and keeping things vague, because then at least she won't be confused, which is where

I think a lot of the resentment might come from. And you know, him learning how to deliver a tough message like this, that's part of growing up too, right? When you're 20, breaking up with somebody is terrifying. I remember that feeling. When you're a little older and you've been on both sides of that conversation a few times, it is a lot easier. And in a weird way, it's actually kind of refreshing for both of you. But you have to work up to those conversations. It takes a little practice. It sounds like this is your chance to do that. But Jordan, I do wonder what he's going to find out there. Like maybe he has a blast and realizes that doing the no-pants dance with half the girls in his dorm is exactly what he needed right now. But he might also do that for four or five months and then realize, you know, how rare it is to find a girl you're into and you want to be great friends with and you have this deeper connection with.

I mean, it's not like that comes along every day either. Yeah, that might be what he realizes. This girl does sound like a pretty good fit, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't get out there a little bit. He probably just needs to get some more data on the options, if you know what I'm saying. Then if they get back together in six months or a year, he'll feel more secure because then he will already know what's out there. So I say, drink from the proverbial fire hose here, man, live it up, listen to your instinct, but also do right by your girlfriend, by communicating with her fairly, thoughtfully. It'll be hard, but it doesn't have to be devastating.

And also, try to have a little faith in her ability to respect your needs, too. Also, there are a couple articles I wrote that I want you to check out. One of them is about how to say no after you've already said yes. That's really going to help you right now for obvious reasons. and the other one is about how to deliver bad news without being the bad guy. We'll link to both of those articles in the show notes for you. Good luck, man, and yeah, make sure you wrap it. You know who will always take you back, even after you get it in all over town?

The amazing sponsors that support this show. We'll be right back. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. About six weeks ago, I went to a routine prenatal appointment, and found out that my baby didn't have a heartbeat and had stopped growing a few weeks before. I chose to get a DNC instead of miscarrying naturally.

Just to jump in here, for anybody who doesn't know what a DNC is, it's basically a procedure to remove tissue from the uterus after a miscarriage or abortion. So I just wanted to clear that out for anyone not familiar with the term. Since then, I've been in the ER three times due to rare complications from the procedure. The complications are still happening, and my doctor doesn't know why. Also, something bad has happened every week since then. My kids and husband were extremely sick. I developed bronchitis.

My dog nearly died and had to have surgery. And my 5-year-old son had a seizure for the first time. I'm now having frequent anxiety attacks and once had a full-blown panic attack. Every time something happens, I think that life is going to turn around. But then something else happens. I feel like I can't let my guard down and starting to affect my work. I own a couple businesses, and I've been slow to get back to clients. I'm afraid I'm going to start losing them and ruin my reputation.

I've also been told that I need to grieve my baby, but I don't know how. I come from a family that buries things deep down and just moves on. So how do I grieve? What does that even mean? And how do I get out of my constant state of fight or flight? Signed, the muddled mourner. Oh, man. I'm so sorry that you had a miscarriage.

I understand how heartbreaking that can be. but then to have complications afterward, not getting any real answers from your doctor, and then to also be dealing with all of these other health challenges in your family, almost losing your dog, developing anxiety, feeling like it's affecting your business. You've just been through a lot here, my friend. There's no simple answer to any of this. What you are going through is very difficult and extremely scary, I'm sure, and I'm just very sorry that all of this is happening at once.

Life, man, it's... We wanted to talk to an expert. about your situation. So we reached out to Dr. Aaron Margolis, clinical psychologist and friend of the show. And the first thing that Dr. Margolis said was that there's actually no right or wrong way to grieve. The mourning process, it's unique to every person. I'm getting the sense that you want a sort of manual for feeling your feelings. Like, follow these 10 steps to having an emotion and then you'll be done, which makes sense if you come from a family that buries everything deep down and just moves on, like he said, but unfortunately that is not how emotions work. This is a process and it is very

personal. It depends on your upbringing, what you've been through in your life, what else is going on now. I know that's probably a bummer to hear, but the key you are looking for, it's just not a paint-by-numbers thing. So Dr. Margolis's question was, are you able to feel your feelings in the first place? Can you recognize them when they come up? Can you acknowledge and observe? them even a little bit? Or do you find yourself going, oh, no, I'm feeling a wave of something unpleasant. Better push that away or distract myself with work before it gets to be too much. If you can feel those things, sadness, anger, fear, whatever it is, then the best thing you can do is get out of your own way and let them run their course. If you can't feel those feelings, then that is

your main obstacle to grieving right there. And your best bet is to get more in touch with them. And Dr. Margolis shared a few good practices to do just that. One of them is just noticing your body in a difficult moment. Like, when you feel a wave of sadness or anger creep up, do you clench your jaw, do your shoulders tense, does your stomach hurt? That's an important first step, just feeling the sensation in your body. Or maybe you notice that there are certain behaviors you engage in when an emotion creeps up. For example, a lot of people, when they even get a hint of an unpleasant feeling, they

immediately distract themselves. Like I said, work, maybe it's cleaning, some folks that's alcohol, television, social media, could be anything. So if you notice that you're, I don't know, filling every minute of your calendar every single day, see if that might be a way to avoid being with yourself. Also, journaling is another great practice. I know it's kind of cheesy, but it really does help bring things to light. And it might also give you a measure of insight and control. Meditation, mindfulness, those are great too. But ultimately, These are all getting at the same thing, which is feel the feels. Yeah, feel the feels.

The only way out is through. The more you put this off, I do think the harder it's going to be to process all of these very intense life events. But as Dr. Margolis pointed out, not giving your feelings more airtime, that could also be part of the anxiety attacks that you're experiencing too. It's possible that the anxiety is just one more symptom, if that's the right word, of this not feeling the feelings thing. As Dr. Margolis explained to us, if you don't allow yourself to move through these emotions, or maybe another way of thinking about it is letting them move through you, they will find a way on their own. And yes, there's a lot going on in your life right now. You have been through some objectively traumatic stuff, and that can obviously contribute to anxiety. But if you suppress the

feelings around these losses or these injuries, they could be finding expression through these anxiety attacks. We talk about this a lot on Feedback Friday, how feelings have to go somewhere. It's like that metaphor of the air being pushed around the balloon. We talked about that before. That could be what's happening here. There are also a ton of resources out there that would be so great for you right now. One of them is support groups for pregnancy loss. So many people go through this. Support groups can be in an instrumental way of dealing with a loss like this. A grief hotline, if you ever feel like you need to talk. Books about mourning. I think those will make you feel much less alone right now. We're going to link to all of those for you in the show notes, including

a list of books about miscarriage specifically. This is something that doesn't get talked about as much as it should, given how frequently it happens. And these books, they really do sound wonderful. I think they'll be super helpful for you right now. You know, when we talk to Dr. Margolis, she shared something really insightful, which is she often thinks of grief as having three parts. There's grief for the past, what you lost, what you used to have, like this pregnancy, certain aspects of your health. There's grief for the present, which is what you're feeling right now, how that's impacting your life today. And then there's grief, weirdly enough, for the future. So the ideas and plans you had for life that are just not turning out the way that you thought they would.

And so giving these feelings more airtime, that's also about acknowledging all of these different forms of grief too. And it's possible that the grief won't go away completely. And that's okay. That's normal. If you have a day where the sadness or the anger are especially intense, that doesn't mean you've done something wrong. It doesn't mean you're back to square one. It just means that this is a particularly painful moment and this moment will pass. If you let the grief move through you, over time, the idea is to find a new relationship with that grief, a new lens on it, and hopefully finding that the grief makes you more grateful, present, alive.

Also, I just have to say, try and give yourself a little grace here. This miscarriage just happened six weeks ago. This is still very new. Also, Dr. Margolis reminded us that pregnancy can do a number on your hormones, not sure if you noticed, which might make everything you're going through right now even more intense. So give yourself a bit of a break here too and some patients. That's part of the process too. So, bottom line, feel the feelings.

That's your job right now. Get the support you need. Those resources we shared are a really good starting point, and I highly recommend going to therapy if you're not already there. any good therapist will help you determine what your patterns are around emotions, slow that process down so you can realize when you're feeling a feeling, and then dig into them with you so that you can work through these challenges together. And also they'll help you build a toolkit for yourself to handle challenges like these in the future, because, as we all know, life will always throw us another curveball. That is just how it works.

So hang in there, you've got this, sending you a really big hug, and all of our confidence for making it through to do. the other side. All right, next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I started a new job this year helping run a large project. For the first six months, it was hard, but things went well. My manager was collaborative, and I got great feedback and visibility. Unfortunately, he resigned unexpectedly and was replaced with someone who had little previous experience. This new manager's lack of experience makes my job 10 times harder as I try to cover both his job and mine. While I'm working nights and weekends to keep things from falling apart, he does all the reporting to leadership about how well things are going and what we are doing. But he never gives credit to anyone else. He's actually taken credit

for other people's ideas and he swept negative feedback about his work under the rug. Because his bosses are not deeply involved in the project and he's been at the company a long time, he's managed to maintain a great reputation. I've tried giving my manager feedback directly, but he's not not been receptive. I've also tried networking to get more influence in the company, but it's mostly an old boys club of people who have been there for decades. I'm new, and I'm the only female person of color at my level, and my perspective tends to challenge their traditional way of doing things. I now have a meeting with this manager's manager soon, because the project has started going sideways. What can I do to help my career and this project without killing myself with more

work? Should I be honest about my assessment, or will that make me look like a complainer? Should I just keep my issues with this guy to myself and highlight my work knowing that he'll quickly overwrite that message. And assuming I stick it out, what would you advise? Signed, eclipsed, losing my grip, but keeping a stiff upper lip on the sinking ship. Well, this is certainly frustrating. Typical corporate BS getting in the way of a project and the recognition that you deserve. I got to say, I really admire that you tried to give this guy feedback directly. That takes courage and was definitely the right thing to do. It really does suck. that he wasn't receptive. Not surprising, I would say, but the one upside is that you tried to do this

the right way and now you can consider other options. Once again, we wanted an expert's opinion on your question. So we reached out to the awesome Alyssa Cohn. Alyssa is a startup coach, an investor, and author of the book from startup to grown up. And she confirmed that, yes, it sounds like you have a legit toxic manager, and that's a real challenge. So the first thing Alyssa wanted to do was dig a little deeper into this problem that you're having. She wanted to know, is the issue with your new manager his lack of experience, or simply that he's a political manager, the kind who kicks down and kisses up? Also, given that you're new and the only woman of color at your level, Alyssa wondered if this is an issue your manager has with you specifically, or if he's just like this with everyone.

Alyssa's advice, get some more insight there. Schedule a few coffee chats either virtually or in person and connect with some of your peers. These conversations, they're not just opportunities to complain about your manager, as tempting as that might be. They're a chance to get your colleagues take on this guy. Alyssa's approach would be to start off by catching up. You know, small talk, ask him how they're doing,

how they think their part of the project is going, stuff like that, feel them out of it. Then, ask them how they're doing with this manager. And if they're like, oh, Roger, he's the worst. He ignores all my good ideas. He took credit for my entire pitch deck. Then you'll know it's not just you. But if they say, oh, actually, Roger's all right, I kind of like working with that guy.

Then Alyssa said to probe for more details. For example, how do they communicate with him? How do they get help from him when it's needed? How do they make sure their contributions gets showcased? If you feel comfortable, you could even ask your peers if they have advice for you about how to navigate this guy, you know, crowdsource some new ideas about how to deal with him that'll work better for you. If you find out that Rogers this way with everyone, then Alyssa said maybe you and your

teammates can put your heads together, come up with some ways to manage him better, get more exposure to leadership, get more resources. You're relatively new at this place, but maybe some of your colleagues who've been there longer have some ideas on how to work the system a little bit better. As for the whole boys club thing, trying to gain influence when you're different from people at the top, well, we asked Alyssa about that too, and her idea was to pursue your networking in a very different way, at least as a starting point. Alyssa recommends meeting your fellow employees at all levels and cross-functionally, one-on-one or in small groups, kind of like the coffee chats that we just mentioned,

get to know them personally, find out who their families are at home with them, their hobbies, personal goals, professional goals, brainstorm how you can help them. Show them that you care. Alyssa's opinion, and I totally agree with her, is that that is the best networking, getting to know the human being in front of you, showing that you want to help, showcasing your own humanity. Just for a moment, hit pause on challenging the status quo,

and instead get curious about how your colleagues do things, the history of why they do it that way. In Alyssa's experience, that'll help you build relationships and context, both of which you need to address the situation that you're in. Kind of like the teacher at the crazy TikTok school, right? Build up some capital and perspective before you try to change things.

Now, I know you have this meeting coming up with your manager's manager, and you'll obviously want to handle this conversation with care. So, Alyssa's advice, first of all, find common ground with this guy personally. As Alyssa put it to us, everyone wants to be treated as a human being, then talk with him about his goals for the project and connect the work you're doing with those goals. If nothing else, Alyssa said that'll give you more insight about him and subtly showcase your work.

That's a much more elegant way of saying, here's what I have personally done to make this project successful without actually having to say that. Then, ask him for the best way to stay connected during the project and not have all the communication go through your manager. Maybe you have a one-on-one with him personally every month. Maybe you send him a status update on your own once a week where you highlight your contributions,

your goals, your wins, whatever it is. And finally, Alyssa said you can raise the topic of your manager, you've got to be very thoughtful about how you do that. If you feel like you've built some rapport with this guy, you could say, you know, Roger might not be aware of how much time I'm putting in, or I'm not sure he always knows the best way to support me in my work. Do you have any ideas for me? And Alyssa pointed out that if you frame your complaints as requests for advice, you might make more progress, which is actually a brilliant principle for handling conflict at work in general. So look, this situation you find yourself in, it's nuanced for sure. But in

Alyssa's view, the best way to be happy at a job is to have freedom. And the best way to build freedom is to have options. So her advice, save up some money, create financial independence, and keep building your network. And this way, if you ever find yourself just at the end of your rope, you can make one phone call and find a better job. No shame in that. Sometimes that is the best move. Again, just like the teacher from the earlier question, but also having another job offer or two on deck, that is always a smart insurance policy, a great bargaining chip, and it'll give you a little psychic freedom knowing that you're not stuck. We're also going to link to Alyssa's book and her podcast from Startup to Grownup that'll be in the show notes, along with her

five scripts for delicate conversations, PDF. Highly recommend that stuff. Good luck, my friend. I know you're going to crack this. Hope you all enjoyed the show. I want to thank everyone who wrote this week, and of course, everybody who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out Ken Croke, Two-Parter Undercover with the Pagan's Motorcycle Club. If you haven't yet, it is a bonkers couple of episodes. If you want to know how I managed to book all these amazing folks on the show, it's always about my network. I'm teaching you how to build your network, usually for use in your professional field and less so to network with undercover cops who've infiltrated biker gangs. That's our six-minute networking course. The course is free.

it's over on the thinkific platform at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Don't kick the can down the road. Do it right now. You've got to dig that well before you get thirsty, just as I recommended there in the previous answer. Got to build those relationships before you need them. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Again, don't forget, I'm going to be interviewing author Ryan Holiday live on stage in Los Angeles on June 13th at the Venice West. Tickets available at Jordan Harbinger.com slash tickets. Again, Jordan Harbinger.com Slash tickets. Come see me, interview Ryan Holiday on stage at Venice West in L.A. on June 13th. See you there. A link to the show notes for the episode is at Jordan Harbinger.com. Transcripts are in the show notes.

I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram or hit me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe on Twitter at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millio Campo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions, those are our own. And yeah, I'm a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto Corbin Payne. Dr. Margolis's input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It is intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate

an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Big thanks to Alyssa Cohn for her wisdom and experience. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found this episode, useful, please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger show with one of the most recognizable names in journalism. My great-great-grandfather, Cornelius Vanderbilt, who made two fortunes, one based on steamships, one on railroads. You know, he died with

$100 million, which in 1877 meant that he, controlled one out of every $20 in circulation. Nobody could believe it. My mom was Gloria Vanderbilt, and she inherited a couple of million dollars in 1941. My mom drank, and my brother ended up jumping off our balcony in front of my mom when he was 23 and I was 21. The next day, my mom and I went to the funeral home to view his body, and there were reporters waiting outside the funeral home to get video of us going in. And I remember in that moment sort of hating the camera people who were doing that. I do know what it's like to be on the other end of the lens, and I don't want to make somebody else feel like that. I couldn't get a job at ABC or CBS. I thought my very nascent career

in broadcasting was never going to get started. The director kindly made me a laminated press card, which was totally made up. And I borrowed one of their cameras, a small little camera, ended up just spending the next two or three years of going to war zones and disasters. You never know exactly how people are going to react to something. You know, we all, think, oh, well, you know, if I was there, this is what I would do. You can intellectually think you know who you are, but I'm telling you, when the lights go out and there's no air condition, and it's really friggin' hot, and you don't have food, and there's crazy stuff going on around you, you become a different person very, very quickly. Sometimes you become the person that you

never thought you be. You become a superhero, and you risk your own life to help other people. Some of the people who thought they would be the heroes end up punching women in the face, in order to scale a wall to get to safety, you don't know who you are until everything is at jeopardy. To hear more from Anderson Cooper about traveling through war zones and how he got his start in broadcast journalism without relying on family connections, check out episode 584 of the Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast.

Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like something you should know. with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real

life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work, itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.