The Jordan Harbinger Show - 696: You Can't Part from His Cheatin' Heart | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: July 8, 2022

Your spouse is a louse with a heart that's been cheating. Though you long to leave him, your resolve has been fleeting. You know you should go, so what's making you stay? We'll try to find out on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/696 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: Did you know The Jordan Harbinger Show not only helps cure cancer, but it safeguards you against being kidnapped in foreign lands? It's true! When his cheatin' heart has told on him, what's really keeping you from leaving the sneaky snake in the dust where he belongs? As the cool uncle, would it be appropriate for you to guide your college-age nieces and nephews toward the relief CBD can offer while warning them of the risks to avoid should they seek their kicks with harder drugs typically available on campus? As a young woman, you're happy the coworkers at your new job don't treat you with blatant disrespect and subject you to emotional abuse like the male-dominated team at your last place of employment. Unfortunately, you find yourself expecting mistreatment and don't want it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. How can you leave the baggage of the old job behind? You'd think your spouse might have matured over 10 years of being together and raising three kids, but nope. He still acts like he's 21 -- with the lack of personal responsibility this suggests (for most people). Do you dare hope he'll evolve into an equal partner, or should you look toward moving on? You want to level up in life, but you struggle to find a way there in spite of doing all the "right" things. How do you handle surrounding yourself with the successful people who might be able to help when they often cause you to feel completely inferior? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi. Sign up for Six-Minute Networking -- our free networking and relationship development mini course -- at jordanharbinger.com/course! Miss...See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the QR code directing you to the sprawling menu of top-notch life advice, Gabriel Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical things. so you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening even inside your own mind. If you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of absolutely incredible people from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. This week we had Dr. Carol Hoeven on hormones and puberty and the body and the mind and how these things are all related to testosterone. Really, really interesting, although somehow now controversial conversation.

She's in the process of getting canceled. Hopefully, I'm not in the process of getting canceled by the time you hear this. We also had Malcolm Gladwell, the Malcolm Gladwell, back on the show about why we think we can read other people when we can't. Of course, I also ask him questions about writing and reviews and feedback and the creative process, really interesting conversation, as you would expect. So make sure you check out those two episodes if you have not done so just yet. Before we jump into the questions today, I got a wild-ass story to tell you guys.

So I got a DM the other day from a Scandinavian listener, a guy who works as a sort of, I'll put it in an air quote, security advisor slash close protection officer. Actually, a lot of guys in that industry listen to the show. I run into them all the time and hear from y'all all the time. He tells me that two years ago, he and his buddy flew to Kandahar, Afghanistan, to accompany their client, some kind of NGO person who was meeting with these guys who were affiliated with the town council. So these guys are the advanced team.

They want to go and check the place out beforehand. So they meet these guys. They get into their Toyota Corolla and they start doing their tour. Apparently, the driver, remember local guy, he's a nice guy, but there's something off about the guy in the passenger seat. He's really stiff. He seems on edge. So the guy that wrote me, he starts talking to that guy even more, asking him questions

about his views on the district, if he has a wife, kids, stuff like that. And I assume you learned some of that in security training, but we talked about some of this on the show in past years as well, right? So they're driving around to all these locations. And after the last one, the driver says, hey, I want to take you to my farmhouse just outside the city. And my friend and his buddy, they're like, no thanks.

We're ready to go back to the hotel, but we'd be happy to come another time. And they go back and forth and back and forth. And the driver finally says, no, we're going to the farm. So now my friend's spidey senses are tingling. He knows something's wrong. And he tells his colleague in their native language, You know, something is up. And apparently, he had just listened to the episode of the show where I told the story about how I got kidnapped twice and how you never want to go to the secondary location, something I learned from Gavin De Becker. So this guy's like, we got to get out of this car. Luckily, they were armed. Apparently they had, I guess you can do this in Afghanistan, leased some M-9s from a local government source. So they wait till they're on a busy street and then they make their move. They thought the guy in the passenger seat would fight back since he was also armed. But apparently those two, dudes, they just threw the doors open and they book it, right? Because these, they probably weren't

expecting any resistance. They were already nervous. That's why the guy in the passenger seat was frozen solid. So these two Scandinavian guys, they hop in the front, basically stealing the car. Sounds very familiar, by the way, only I couldn't drive a stick shift. They drive the car to another hotel. Then they take a taxi to their actual hotel. Smart move, by the way. Because if you just take the car and you leave it in front of where you're staying, they know where you are now. So that's, that was sharp to take another vehicle. Then the next day, they fly back to Kabul and tell the client, hey, the mission's a bus, by the way, there were people there trying to kidnap us. Later, they found out what happened was the people they were supposed to meet sold them to these other guys for $5,000. Oh, man. And he said

the only reason they survived was that my kidnapping story was fresh in his mind. So that is freaking wild. Yeah. And such a close call, such a dang close call. So, Yeah, the other week I joked that the Jordan Harbinger show can cure cancer because that guy listened to the whole library while his wife was going through treatment. But today, I can confidently say that the Jordan Harbinger show can literally save your life. At least when you're kidnapped abroad and some local thugs are trying to ransom you for less than the price of a 2003 Honda Civic. Yeah, also when you're strapped with M9 donated to your host country by America. Courtesy of Uncle Sam. Yeah, exactly.

But seriously, this story made an impression. on me. It's terrifying to be kidnapped. I'm so happy that my stories of making it out helped other people stay alive. That situation sounds way more dangerous because when you get kidnapped in Afghanistan of the Middle East, I'm just expecting you to end up on CNN with a blindfold and it's just like done. You're in trouble. Years long. Years long ordeal, right? So special thanks to the listener who shared that with us. He has to stay anonymous for quite obvious reasons. I think he's still working in the field. Given what he's been through, I am happy to honor that request naturally. Remember, kids, just say no when it comes to going to the secondary location. All right. As always, we've got some fun

questions and some patently insane questions. So Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. About a year ago, I discovered that my husband of four years was having an emotional affair with a coworker. I was so deeply hurt, but decided it was something we could work through and I could forgive him. We have a young child together and I wanted to put in the effort to keep our family intact. In the following months, I attended counseling, listened to podcasts about healthy relationships, and read a ton. I tried to implement the things I learned while my husband buried himself in his work. I felt him getting more distant, and he said he was struggling with his mental health. I tried to support him, but felt like I was

beating my head against a wall. Lo and behold, I found out that the affair had restarted, or maybe never ended. I confronted him, and we agreed the marriage was over. But in the following days, he changed his mind and said he didn't want to lose me. I feel like I've been dragged on this roller coaster ride along with him. His feelings toward me seem to change day to day. Lately, he hasn't seemed to want to put in any effort, but gets upset when I try to distance myself. I know this is so unhealthy, and I can't take it much longer, but I'm having trouble actually letting go of my marriage. How can I get my heart to accept what my head already knows? Also, the woman he had an affair with is also married, and they all work together. So, should I tell her husband?

I don't want to torpedo my husband's career or cause more drama, but I believe her husband deserves to know. Signed, trying to regroup while I'm stuck in this loop. This is a sad story. I'm sorry that you're in this position with your husband. I can hear the sadness and frustration in your letter. Discovering your spouse is cheating on you, that's obviously very painful. But then to decide to work on your marriage, work on yourself, learn, grow, give it another

shot and then have your spouse just not put in the same effort at all, and then find out that he's cheating on you again, maybe even the entire time? That is brutal. There are just no two ways around it. That's very painful. But the fact that your husband's also doing this weird push-pull thing, I'm having an affair and I don't want to work on things, but also you can't leave. I don't want to lose you. That's just got to be even more confusing. You're right. Nothing about this is healthy or fair. The thing is, you're caught in this conflict between moving on and sticking around, and you're not sure how to break out of it. Intellectually, you know the marriage is over, but emotionally, yeah, you're paralyzed. I guess my question is, what is it that is actually

holding you back here? I'm genuinely asking. I think it's important that you unpack that conflict. Are you sticking around because it's just too sad to leave? Are you still holding out hope that your husband will magically become the person that you want him to be? Is it hard for you to draw a line with him when he keeps pulling you back in? And if that is hard, why? What is it about your husband's needs, his frankly self-serving, contradictory, constantly shifting needs that have such a pull on you? And do you maybe find yourself prioritizing other people's needs over your own in other parts of your life, in which case, is this tension you're feeling maybe a bigger pattern in your life? And I know that's a lot of big questions to throw at you in one sort of breath here,

but I'm trying to get to the heart of the matter, because this bind that you're in, I think it's just the tip of the iceberg. If you can drill down to what is underneath it, unpack all those thoughts and feelings and life experiences that are informing this decision, then I think you'll start to get the clarity that you need to pull the trigger. here. But honestly, I'm just going to be super blunt Jordan here for a minute. Everything you've shared with us paints a picture of a relationship that is definitely over. You put in the time and the work to get better. Your husband, for whatever friggin' reason, didn't do anything. He's struggling with his own mental health or maybe even just using that as some sort of excuse not to have to

change. I mean, the dude might be depressed or whatever, but he's not so depressed that he can't bang his side chick, you know? He's jerking you around. He's keeping you. He's keeping you. He's close when you try to leave. I know relationships can be confusing. It's hard to read the label from inside the jar and all that, but at a certain point, you have to step outside of this and go, okay, this is what it is. It's time to move on, even if I'm scared, even if I'm still processing what the hell is happening here. And I wouldn't be that prescriptive with you if you hadn't already arrived at that conclusion yourself. I think you might just need a little dose of encouragement to make the right call. Besides, you yourself said that you've done a ton of work and

come a long way. So you've proved you can move forward and process this. I think it'll actually become easier once you're gone and rid of the delusion that this guy might eventually take his head out of his ass because you'll have shed the dead weight that is your current relationship. Whoa, laying it on thick, Jordan. That is intense, but I think you're absolutely right. I'm with you. she did everything right. She went to therapy. She read the books. She implemented what she learned. And her husband just didn't. And that sucks. That is just an awful position to be in. Obviously, her husband is going through his own stuff here, and that's why he needs to be in therapy too. But that's his business. That is ultimately not her business, although I get that she has a stake in this. So I agree. I think

it is time to make a decision. It is time to pull the trigger. But honestly, I know that that's a very intense call to make for anybody. She's sad. She's thinking about their child. There's probably a lot of uncertainty ahead. It's probably very tempting to stick with a terrible situation instead of taking a leap into the, you know, possibly better but very hazy unknown. Because it's safer. But the thing is, safe won't make you happy. And if you really think about it, sticking around in a dysfunctional marriage, that isn't really safer, right? It's the opposite. It's just familiar. And once you realize that you're sticking around in a bad situation just because it's what you already know, then it's definitely time to leave.

But Jordan, what do you make of her other question here, whether she should tell her husband's, mistress's husband about the affair? That is a, that's a tricky one. Yeah, you know, okay, so there's a part of me that's like, yeah, lay it in there, throw that grenade down the hatch, right? But I also kind of don't think that's necessarily going to help anyone. Where do you fall on this? I'm having trouble putting my thoughts together. Well, yeah, it's really tough because it's like, is that even her business? I mean, she has plenty to deal with right now in her marriage. Does she also need to get involved in these people's marriage?

Probably not, kind of overstepping. But on the other hand, I could imagine her thinking to herself, if I were that woman, I would want someone to tell me. Exactly. So if the tables were turned, I would want someone to reach out to me on Facebook and drop a bomb. Right. It's kind of like, are you going to lose sleep for the next three years knowing that you probably could have saved this other stranger a lot of heart? If you'd had the guts to say something. But also, it really does come down to what is your motivation behind it?

What are you trying to achieve? Yeah. What are your reasons, right? Yeah, because that is the most important thing here. If you're going to do this, get real clear on your motivations, your reasons. If you're doing this out of revenge because you're so angry at your husband and you, like, that energy has to go somewhere. I'd probably think twice about that because that usually ends poorly.

Your reasons will be kind of muddled and confusing. If you're doing it, though, because you really think that this other person just, deserves to know because you would want someone to do the same for you. I could see that being a better reason. Although it's an interesting question whether that actually changes anything, because whether your reasons are pure or not, the effect will probably be the same. You're going to blow up another marriage. You might torpedo your husband's career either way. So, yeah, I would just proceed very cautiously. Honestly, Jordan, if this were me, I probably wouldn't meddle. I think that's what my instinct is telling me. There's enough for this woman to figure out right now. The

priorities should probably be on separating and building a new life. But that's me. Other people are different. Yeah, I agree. It is a tricky situation. Not a decision to be made impulsively, that's for sure. So I hope that this gives you a way to move forward here. You're going through a very tough chapter right now, but try to remember that whatever comes after this, it can't be worse than being repeatedly cheated on and abandoned by your husband. The sooner you can own your feelings and chart your own path, the sooner you can begin a much more fulfilling life. You probably don't even realize how liberating it'll be to be free from this toxic marriage. You deserve it, your child deserves it.

So keep doing the work and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And we're sending you good thoughts. Gabriel, I really meant it earlier when I'm like, get rid of the dead weight, man. I've gotten rid of some dead weight in my life, you know, with my last business partners and stuff. And man, while ripping off the Band-Aid hurts, when you lighten that load, it is such a good feeling. It is an unbelievable relief, yeah. Yeah, and so many things become possible. She might not even realize, yeah, how much energy is being taken up, sticking around.

Also, she did the right thing. She tried. Like, she genuinely tried and he didn't reciprocate. It's not like at the first sign of trouble, she bailed. Like, she stuck around long enough to find out that she was willing to do the work and he wasn't. So at that point, yeah, time to move on. You know who only has eyes for you? The amazing sponsors that support this show.

We'll be right back. Thank you for listening to and supporting the show. your support of our advertisers is what keeps things going around here. All the discount codes, all the special URLs and coupon codes, all its stuff. It's all in one very searchable place, Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. You can search for the deals on that page or search for any sponsor using the search box right there on the website at Jordan Harbinger.com as well. So please consider supporting those who support this show.

And now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, Gabe, what's next? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a bachelor uncle and very close to my niece. and nephews. The oldest ones are in college and are aware that I partied a lot when I was younger. They've even heard some of the stories. One of them recently confided to me that he's using CBD to cope with anxiety and using THC for fun. I have no intention of telling his parents, although they're aware that I'm making and using THC and CBD oils. They don't have a problem

with me doing it, but they might be against their son doing so. I'd like to encourage my nephew to try CBD oil instead of smoking the stuff so he's not damaging his life. lungs. I'm wondering if I should supply him with some, but I'm not sure how his parents would react if they found out. I'm also wondering how to respond if my nephew asks me to supply him with THC oil, since I would be reluctant to do so. It's legal in my state, but not in his. These kids have always done well in school, and they've seen the kind of destruction that the opioid crisis had on some of their friends and neighbors, so I'm not too worried about them taking things too far. At the same time, I wonder if I should warn them about the risks of certain drugs, since I

experimented with many things when I was younger and have a couple of friends who wound up in rehab. What should I tell my nieces and nephews about having fun, but not taking it too far? Signed, an uncle trying not to fumble, this rough and tumble jumble. Ah, yes, the cool uncle who has to figure out just how cool he can be without breaking the law or putting his family at risk. These are actually really good questions. I'm glad. you're asking him, you sound like a thoughtful guy, I can see why you have a great relationship with your nieces and nephews. So, right off the bat, no, I definitely would not supply your nephew with any cannabis product, especially if he's under 21, and I definitely

wouldn't supply him with any, if it's illegal in his state. If he ever got caught by a teacher or a cop or anyone like that, and he has to fess up who gave it to him, man, that could become a huge problem for you. Depending on your state, it could actually be pretty serious. legal liability, but certainly some family drams in there. Also, you don't know how his parents would react if they found out. And that is risky too. I mean, look, is a little CBD oil going to ruin a kid's life? No, he's already using it. But the moment you start giving it to him, that opens up a can of worms, man. His parents, yeah, they might be really upset that you're endorsing or contributing to a habit they don't like. They might feel like you're disrespecting them. And it might cross

some lines that you don't need to cross. Every family's different. Every relationship is different. But I think that's just a good boundary to have. But you can still educate him about this stuff. If you think oils are better, you can recommend he do that instead of smoking. Sure. But I wouldn't hand him a tincture of Uncle Randy's basement made dab sauce.

Not until he's at least 18, probably 21. Man, I saw the whole label when you said that too. Oh, hell yeah. The font and everything. Nice little kind of old school. Blue. Yeah, a little jar there. It's a great branding. You got to be really confident he's being safe and that it's not affecting his life.

And look, as your relationship evolves from uncle to friend, it's going to be different. But even then, I would just be very damn thoughtful on how you do this. I think I'm with you on this. It is probably a good policy to just keep that appropriate boundary until the nephews and nieces are old enough. I think that's probably 21 because I think you have to be 21. Then they can go buy their own shit anyways. They can buy their own stuff, right?

Well, I guess in another state, maybe not in their own state. But I get why he's a little confused because they're 18, right? I think he said. Yeah, or something like that. So they're adults, but... They're dumb adults. Remember how dumb you were at that age? I was way dumb at that age.

I'm still dumb. Yeah. Yeah, and also if your nieces and nephews are in college, do you want to be giving them weed that might like make it harder for them to succeed in school, might make them a little bit unfocused or whatever? I could see why that's dicey, even if it's not super unethical. unethical or even illegal. But I do think it's a great idea to educate them a little bit because you guys have a great relationship and they will probably be more receptive to hearing about the dangers

of drugs from somebody like you than some, you know, crusty dare officer who yells at them for 20 minutes. Remember those people? Oh, gosh. Yeah. About how, you know, how the devil's lettuce is a straight shot to ending up homeless or whatever they're teaching people these days. Ray for Madness. Oh, man. Have you seen that movie? I have. I've seen like the little, it's so silly. Yeah. It's on YouTube. Refer Madness. What a gem. Love that movie. If you can tell them some good stories about people who took things too far or, you know, how certain drugs are just a no-go, like do not do this drug. Or what happens when you take it too far and you have to go to rehab and how that can derail your life because that's what happened to my friend Jim or whatever. You might keep them out of a lot of

trouble. And hey, maybe you're pretty transparent with them about what you've done, the mistakes you've made, you know, save them that trouble. Just make sure you're not glamorizing anything dangerous or making serious drug use sound way too fun. I mean, I love a good drug story as much as the next guy. Don't get me wrong. But if you're trying to be a good uncle here, I'd make sure your stories are hitting the right note. Yeah, right. Look, Uncle Randy has to hit him with the, here's a funny thing I did when I got a little too stone one night stories. Not the heroin will total your car and land you in jail, but boy, is it fun, right? You don't want those stories. Just keep your audience in mind. Other than that, yeah, I'd be pretty blunt, no pun intended with them about the kinds of

drugs and people who can get them into trouble, you know, make them understand that popping some THC gummies before top gun at the movies, that can be fun. But crushing up oxy and snorting it on the weekend is a literal ticket to hell. And teach them to stay away from people who don't elevate them. Again, no pun intended, don't have meaningful goals, don't take care of themselves, don't want to help them succeed, you know, general life stuff. And sometimes, look, the weird crowd, it's everyone. It's all, it's like every demographic is in there, but it's really easy to fall in with the wrong people when you dabble with stuff like this and then you realize later it's not the right stuff. So, so again, make sure they're with the right people. Teach them all of that

general life stuff. And also, yeah, teach them never to pay more than 60 bucks for an eighth. Maybe that's different now with inflation. Man, I'm old. Oh, yeah. I wonder if that is different. I'm sure it is. It's not like 73. It's like gas prices. Yeah, yeah. You're like, what's $74? Hey, man. Times would be tough. That's the Biden price of weed now. That's right. God darn it. Kamala. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com.

Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a whole lot easier. If there's something you're going through any big decision you're wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on stuff, life, love, work, what to do if your close friend

is getting married to a total scam artist, whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday atjordanharbinger.com. We're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous. All right. What's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe.

I recently got out of a high-stress, male-dominated manufacturing company, where, as a young female, I wasn't treated very well. The salaried team that I worked with were incredible and became great friends, but a fair percentage of the contractor team was patronizing at best

and downright emotionally abusive at worst. I finally realized I needed a change, so I went back to school to get my master's in computer science and found a new position within the same company. I started this new role, but I'm now catching myself walking on eggshells expecting the same treatment from my new team. The thing is, I don't want this to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I really want

this new career to be a great new opportunity for me. How do you start a new job without bringing the baggage of a past toxic environment along with you? Signed, wiping the slate clean so I can live the dream of this brand new team. Well, first of all, huge congrats on getting out of a toxic work environment and for doing that by getting a master's in a very intense field, charting your own path, landing this new job. That is massively impressive. It's interesting. You're on this new team. You've turned over a new leaf, but that old stuff with those toxic people is still lingering. It almost sounds like there's a low-key post-traumatic quality to all this. You're out of that old environment, but you still feel that fear that the bad thing will happen. again at any moment. And you're right. Carrying that expectation around locating that threat in other people when it's not even necessarily there, that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it can get in the way of your success. So I love that you want to work on this. So a few thoughts.

First of all, I would catch yourself every time you have this response and just notice it. If you find yourself walking on eggshells around your boss or censoring yourself because you think one of your teammates is going to yell at you or not speaking up in a meeting because you're afraid somebody might put you down or whatever it is. I'd take a moment and just, just acknowledge it. Don't feed the feeling. Don't choke it down. Don't judge it. Just let it be. And then go, okay, that's the old stuff talking. This is the low grade PTSD from those awful people I used to work with. That's not necessarily what's happening right now at all. And you don't even need to correct the response. All you need to do is just notice it.

The first step is just bringing more attention to a feeling or a thought and labeling it in the right way, so it doesn't unconsciously run your life. Because if you don't label it, right? It's run in the background, then your subconscious will decide what it means. If you notice it and you label it, you've decided what it means, right? You get a little more control. So if you do that for a few weeks, you might be surprised by how much the symptoms actually start to ease up. You might even start to find the whole thing kind of amusing.

You know, like, wow, I really just thought my boss was going to ream me a new one for asking to reschedule a meeting. How ridiculous is that? Those a-holes on the old team really did a number on me, and you'll develop almost a sort of amused affection for how you're reacting. And that is a big, big step towards getting better. Once you get a handle on that, then I would start to teach yourself how to respond in a different way. So let's say you're having that anxious response. For example, you're worried your colleague is about to, I don't know, cut you down for making a suggestion in a meeting. Maybe you say to yourself, okay, I'm freaking out a little. Let me just give this a shot. Let me see if what I think is going to happen actually happens. And then you speak up and you

just see what happens. And probably nobody patronizes you or lashes out at you and you can start to trust that your new colleagues will not act like your old colleagues. Basically, you're reconditioning your responses. Yeah, great advice, Jordan. I love that. My only other thought here is to remember that you're also shaping these relationships with your new colleagues. So if you approach them with certain assumptions, even if those assumptions are really subtle, that will contribute to the dynamic that you have with your new team. So if you're walking on eggshells in the office, your colleagues, even if they're wonderful people, they will pick up on that and they will respond in their own way. You know, maybe they'll treat you with kid gloves,

or maybe they'll feel comfortable dropping more work on you when you can't handle it, or maybe they'll sense that, you know, this reluctance of yours to get too close or something like that, they might feel that and pull back a little, whatever it is. So I would also be very deliberate about making a real effort with these new people. Maybe ask yourself, what kind of relationship do I want to have with them? And then work backwards to the qualities and the behaviors that would help that relationship grow the way you want. Like, for example, if you want your new teammates to see you as approachable and honest,

that's a great reason to take a chance and speak up in a meeting, even if you're not 100% sure that you're right. Or if you want your colleagues to like you and trust you, which obviously all of us do, maybe you invite them to drinks once a month, you know, have some fun, get to know one another as people. Or if you don't want them to treat you with kid gloves, you can ask them for feedback directly and take their advice to heart and put in the work to grow on this new team. I'll let you decide what fits, what your goals are, but my point is, this isn't just

about reconditioning the old response. It's also about creating a new one. You have so much more power to do that than you might think. And honestly, it's a lot more fun to spend your energy building productive relationships with your new colleagues than it is to constantly worry about whether they're going to be just like your old ones. Yeah, that's a great point, Gabe. This toxic stuff with her old colleagues, it's real, it happened, but it doesn't need to define every interaction she has from here on out, you know?

Yes. Maybe the best thing she can take away from that tough chapter is what kind of pattern she doesn't want to fall into and then proactively work to create better ones with her new colleagues. I think that's how she avoids that self-fulfilling prophecy and really capitalizes on this amazing new opportunity. So, look, you got this. Congratulations again. You did something amazing here.

Go enjoy it. We're rooting for you. You know what else will haunt you wherever you go, Gabriel? These scary good deals from the sponsors that support this show. We'll be right back. Thank you all once again for listening. All the deals and discount codes all in one place, Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. Search for any sponsor using the search box on the website as well.

consider supporting those who support this show. And now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. My husband and I met when we were 21. It was a one-night stand situation that resulted in a pregnancy, and we decided to stay together. We've now been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have three kids, a nice house, cars, the whole nine. The thing is, when we met, I was in college and working my way up the corporate ladder while he was squatting in an apartment with 10 other people. All these years later, our personalities haven't changed much. I have a solid career that I've worked hard for, and everything is in my name, as I financed everything on my own since he has very poor credit. We've tried splitting bills, and he almost always forgets to pay them.

We've even had our utilities shut off when it was his turn to pay. Once, he surprised me by going out and purchasing his own vehicle, and then I realized he had signed a loan for 25% interest. The car has since been repoed. He's a kind man and a good father, but I'm worried he'll never be accountable. I'm starting to feel like even though I love him, he'll never be the partner I truly need. I find myself feeling alone and that we're growing apart. Should I learn to appreciate him for the person he is, or move on? Signed, wearing the pants in the family, but starting to resent the outfit.

Oh man, I got to say, I really empathize with everything you're describing. It must be very tough to be with somebody who struggles like this, while you're super ambitious, responsible, on top of your life. What you're talking about here? It's not just a husband who doesn't make as much money as you or whatever. What you're describing is a much larger pattern and a personality that's creating real challenges in your relationship. Low motivation, his questionable decisions,

his lack of accountability, especially in contrast to your personality and your values. But what makes this complicated is that this guy is not a monster, right? he's kind, he's a good dad, he's a decent dude. This isn't the husband from question one. It's a guy who's probably loving and lovable in a lot of ways, but he isn't meeting the needs and expectations you have for your husband. You can't easily write him off,

but if you stay together, you probably feel like the resentment and disappointment are only going to grow, and you'll feel more and more alone. So, yeah, this is a tough one. The question you're asking, should I learn to appreciate him for the person he is, or move on, that's one of the great questions of life. When it comes to relationships, there's

always this constant tension between wanting to improve the other person and needing to accept them. And that can be confusing, because we all know that we can be better, right? We can all grow, we can all learn, we can all be kinder, healthier, more ambitious, whatever it is. But we can't make anyone become someone they don't want to be. And if you try to change everyone in your life to satisfy your needs? Well, that's dicey too. Sometimes that's appropriate. Sometimes it's what our friends and family

and partners need from us. But yeah, sometimes, sometimes it's also a form of insanity. So I think you need to get very clear with yourself about what your true needs are right now, what kind of marriage you want to have, what you can and cannot live with. Yes, that's work you and your husband can do together. And I encourage you to talk to each other

about all this, of course. but this is stuff that you ultimately need to understand. In a world where your husband won't become the super ambitious, reliable, even remotely, fiscally responsible guy you want him to be, at least not overnight, what can you live with? Could you accept that you'll have to provide for the family and manage all the finances because your husband can't? But it's okay because he's sweet to you and he's great with the kids?

Or is him being kind, him being a good dad, is that not enough to sustain the marriage? do you need him to be all these things in order to grow together, or can you find connection in other ways? And I know that those are tough questions to ask. I'm not trying to lead you anywhere, by the way. I'm not trying to like ask you a rhetorical question. But that is what you need to figure out. Because in a situation where you might not be able to get everything from your husband, this decision really comes down to what's most important to you. So true, Jordan. But, you know, I get the sense that she's already starting to answer those

She's just kind of stuck, a little like the woman from question one. I mean, look, she literally said that she's starting to feel like even though I love him, he'll never be the partner I truly need. I find myself feeling alone, that we're growing apart. I mean, that's pretty stark. What I'm hearing is a woman who has a lot of love for her husband, but who also feels pretty let down by him. I mean, she can't even rely on him to pay the electricity bill. That is a problem. Yeah. So I don't blame her for feeling alone. In many ways, she is kind of alone. And that's that's a lot. a lot of responsibility, and the less he makes an effort to step up, the more as she feels like there are different paths, maybe even that he doesn't really care or isn't willing to rise to the occasion for her. And I just don't know how you can have a very happy or healthy marriage if that's the dynamic. Now, you're right, but that doesn't mean that they can't work on it. If they want to, of course, my advice, which will be a surprise to absolutely no one, is that they should really consider couples therapy. These feelings of disappointment and abandonment, these resentments that have built up for a decade, the dynamic they've fallen into where she

wears the pants in the family and runs the show and he kind of takes a backseat, which by the way, I'm sure there's a lot more for them to know about how that dynamic got created and how it's serving each of them in different ways. That is exactly the stuff that you learn to sort through in couples' work. It can be quite hard slash impossible to do on your own. And hey, maybe they're just at a crossroads where they need that space to figure things out. I don't know. It is totally possible. And if he's willing to get better and there's still a lot of love here, it is worth a shot. They could totally still have a happy marriage. But, you know, I do think their backstory is probably playing a big role here too. They had this one-night stand

when they were 21, which is 21 is so young. Bananas. She got pregnant. They decided to make a go of it. And then they had two more kids. So they really never got to date each other. They never got to know each other and see if they were truly compatible and if they were growing in the same direction for a few years before they settled down. I'm guessing that a lot of stuff was just swept under the rug in the race to make this marriage work for the child and all that stuff is now coming to a head in the marriage. It's possible that these two people really weren't meant to be together. They were just thrown together by life and by their choices and now they have to figure out if this is really the right relationship for them, which is a very intense thing to face. Wow. Yeah, that is.

intense, just one more big thing for them to talk about on the couch. And if you decide you're ready to move on and you don't want to work on things, then I'd still recommend individual therapy just to understand yourself better and get clear here. That's really going to be helpful for you. So I know this is a really sad decision to face. I know it's bringing up a lot of difficult stuff and I feel for you. But also keep in mind that if you guys do decide to part ways, You can still love each other. You can still be successful co-parents. Your kids might even be better off if they're not growing up in a house where mom is constantly

angry at dad for not doing enough. That's a tough situation too. But I'm not telling you what to do here. Only you can decide that for yourself. Send in you good thoughts, man. You know, Gabe, I think my main takeaway from this story is to wrap it up every time you do the no-pants dance. Otherwise, you know, you might wake up in 10 years to somebody who mortgages the house to buy

a 2009 F-150 with 300,000 miles on it, and can't remember to pay PG&E $23 to keep the frickin' frid running. Wow, that was vivid. Yeah, it would be so great if we had like a birth control sponsor on the show. This would be like the perfect moment to hawk some directs or Nuber Ring or something. Yeah, look, also they're just starting in their 30s, the rest of your life, especially at this age, that age, right? It's way too long to be unhappy with the person you're with.

Way, way too long. It reminds me of my best friend growing up, still a guy that I'm in touch with, he just texted me during this show, actually. When they moved into my neighborhood, my buddy was five years old or maybe even four, his parents were divorced and his mother was already remarried, okay, and he has a little sister. So this is like fresh. Their dad was this guy. He was like just absent-minded, but like really fun, good dad, super responsible with the kids,

but just, you know, like clueless leave the food on the counter overnight kind of guy, like every time. And he was in our Boy Scout troop as a leader. He was super fun. And I remember when we got older, we were like, you know, your family's so interesting. You'd spend all these holidays together. Your stepdad and your dad get along perfectly. Your dad's like always at your mom and stepdad's house doing stuff with you guys, holidays all the time.

And his mom, who's like a secondary mom to me, she goes, you know, Tom, his dad, he's a really, really good dad. But he was just a bad husband. That's it. It's that simple. He was just not a great husband. But he wasn't like out there cheating and he wasn't abusive. He was just kind of probably a little bit of a knucklehead in the relationship. He was probably, he was this guy. You know, I don't have specific examples, but they were so much happier divorced than they were married. And it worked out so much better. And what's interesting is Tom never got remarried because he just wasn't that guy. He just didn't need it. He was a guy who preferred to like lounge around and go to races and stuff. And we did so much fun. stuff with that guy. But he just wasn't a husband. And he never, and he still isn't. And he's like 75 years old. Fascinating. Yeah. It's actually really beautiful. I love that that family gets along that way. But you're right. Sometimes the roles just don't line up the right way. He can still be a great dad. Just doesn't have to be a husband if that's not what she wants. Exactly. 100%. All right. Next up. Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a guy who has good common sense. I'm generally well liked and I run a

moderately successful small business with 20 people who work for me. But the thing is, I constantly feel inferior. I'm 41, and I feel like I should be a millionaire or a multi-millionaire. I'm extremely frugal. I drive a 2003 car with 219,000 miles on it. I live comfortably on $50,000 per year. My wife and three kids are wonderful and supportive, and my extended family is supportive too. Regardless, though, I can't help but feel like a dud of a firecracker, partly because I consume so many business books, case studies, podcasts, and pieces of advice from my network. In fact, I had to to take a break from listening to your show for a while because I couldn't take one more interview with a wildly successful person. How do I handle surrounding myself with successful people

when they often cause me to feel completely inferior? Signed, leveling up without spiraling down. So I love this. This is a really brave email. And I am so glad you shared it with us. I love this question because candidly, I often feel the exact same way that you do. This, whatever it is, affects a lot of people, including and maybe especially people who consider themselves medium to high performers, or just are medium to high performers. So I have a few thoughts here. First of all, as we know, comparing ourselves to other people is horrible for our mental health. That impulse is wired into our brains. It's in our conditioning. It's in our culture. So it is very normal. And it is extremely hard to shake. You can't just not look around at the other Homo sapiens and wonder how

you're measuring up where you're falling short. This is a tribal thing with millions of years of evolution and thousands of years of culture behind it, plus the internet, plus social media, plus advertising and media and all that toxic crap, like this podcast that magnifies our worst tendencies. Okay, this podcast doesn't magnify your worst tendencies, but still. So it's not a personal failing on your part if you succumb to it from time to time. Really, don't beat yourself up for that. It's designed this type of media, social media and the internet. It's designed to make you miserable on some level to hook your attention. And again, I have fallen into that more times than I can count. So that's the first thing. And if you want to know why we compare ourselves

to other people so much and how you can rewrite that pattern, I recommend checking out the deep dive Gabe and I did on that exact topic a few years ago. That was episode 22 going way back into the vault there. We'll link to that in the show notes. Also, this whole feeling miserable when you see successful people thing, that is directly tied to hustle culture. Those ridiculous motivational videos on YouTube, those annoying Instagram posts about running eight miles at five in the morning, those blog posts that talk about, you know, crushing it 24-7 or you're never going to be truly successful, that's hustle culture. It is deeply toxic. I hate it. In fact, I hate it so much that Gabe and I did a whole deep dive on that, too,

why hustle culture makes you miserable, how to break out of it, and how to find self-help sources, personal development sources that'll build you up instead of tearing you down. That was recent, episode 682, and we'll link to that in the show notes as well. The last thing I want to say is,

despite everything you said in your email, you are impressive, man. First of all, you sound like a solid human being, people like you, you have a good head on your shoulders, you run a successful business with 20 employees. You're down to earth, you're responsible. I mean, come on, you are doing great.

I'm not trying to invalidate how you feel because I know that this stuff is really insidious and it has a way of getting inside your head. But you have to balance that with a healthy understanding of who you really are and what you've accomplished. By the way, you're almost certainly a millionaire if you count the value of your business.

I know that's not what you meant, but look, if you want to split hairs and get a definition that'll make you sleep easier at night, you almost for sure are at least a millionaire, if not a multimillionaire with 20 employees in your business. Also, what matters to you, man? It's easy to look at some d-bag internet marketer checking his crypto wallet on a 747. By the way, that guy's crying right now. So don't worry about those guys right now. If you're listening to this, and it's even remotely the time that this

episode released, the crypto guys are the least of your concerns. The 747 crypto dudes, those guys flexing online, all that crap is fake most of the time. I'm not even going to get into that. it's just really easy to look at that and then look at your life and go, man, I'm not on a plane, I must be behind. I'm not posting my monthly cash flow statements to Instagram or TikTok. But that's when you have to take a step back and remember how you define success, not in some hokey, like you decide who, whatever, that kind of stuff. I don't know about you, but having an amazing wife, you got three awesome kids, a thriving company, a family that loves and supports you. In my book, you are successful. That's not even just like consolation.

prize. That is the whole point of life level of success. And I promise you that is the stuff that matters when shit hits the fan. And that's the stuff that people remember when you are gone. That's what they remember. And look, I'm not saying you can't want more out of life. I'm not saying don't strive for bigger and better things if that's what you want. I'm just saying you can't fall into the trap of pegging yourself worth to other people or their ideas or to the values of a largely corrupt society. Be a millionaire. Go for it. I love it. Just don't do it because some jerk on the internet told you to do it or worse, made you feel bad if you didn't do it. And when you do go after your goals, remember that money is just one metric of success and it's usually the least

interesting metric of success. Who you are as a person, what you put out into the world to earn that money, that is the real value. Money is just a byproduct. I know it's easy to say, but look at people who earn their money in a way that's kind of crappy. Gabe, let me ask you this. Have you ever met anybody who made a bunch of money in porn? Yes. You have? Yeah? Were they forthright about it? Not particularly. Not really, right? No. And I guarantee you that most of you out there have met a bunch of people who've made their money in porn, but they didn't freaking tell you because there's shame attached to it. They're not proud of it. Or if they are, other people are judging them for it. Nobody's looking at your business and going, oh, man, shame on that guy. How dare he do it?

There's something to be said for that. And I know there's shameless scammers all over the internet that seem to not care, but how well respected are those guys by the people that count? I'm not so sure, man. Internet, 17-year-olds love them. But, you know, are they really respected? Not a lot of the time. So all that said, I know the comparison stuff is brutal, so I'm proud to announce that my next interview, it's with my friend's cousin Chad. He lives in his Aunt Margaret's basement. He's currently between jobs.

He's trying to become a pro gamer. That should help put things in perspective, man. You can compare yourself to that guy. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everyone who listened. Thank you so much. Don't forget to check out the episodes we had with Dr. Carol Hoeven on testosterone and hormones and Malcolm Gladwell on all things Gladwellian.

you want to know how I managed to book all these great people for the show, do a lot of things with my network, frankly. Six-minute networking course is where I'm teaching you how to dig the well before you get thirsty. It's over there for free on the think-ific platform. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course is where you can find. It's linked right there on the website at Jordan Harbinger.com. I'm teaching you once again how to build relationships before you need them.

This is what I wish I knew 20 years ago. It takes a few minutes a day. You really aren't too busy to do it. That I promise you. It's been so great for my best. business. You can find it all at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Transcripts are always in the show notes. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabriel,

Mizrahi, or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Millio Campo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own. And I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting others.

Share the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice that we gave here today, or just be entertained by the advice we gave here today, or, once to, speaking of comparisons, wants to compare themselves to the people who we gave advice to here today and realize that their lives are not that bad.

In the meantime, do your best to a apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger show with Pickpocket King Bob Arno. Pickpockets don't talk. They lift and do everything silent. I have spent 20, 30 years befriending or getting very, very close into how they work. They can be put into three or four different categories. The skillful ones that are ashamed of what they're doing, then you have the youngish one who couldn't care less about some moral compass, and then you have the ones who get out of work and some older guy is saying, hey, I want you to be part of the team. They weren't

thinking of going into crime. There are many, many levels of pickpockets. Some are very aggressive and angry. The thieves picks it, but pickpocket never holds, so he passes it on to a partner. So if the police catches him two seconds after, he's clean, there's nothing on him. And the way there was none of this usual pickpocketing movie, the elegance was unbelievable.

I had to look at it at least 10 times before I could see, what the hell did I see? And some of them are very charming, by the way, and that goes for the territory. There's a very good smile and like a ping pong very quickly, boom, boom, boom, back and forth. There's nothing slow. If you measure me against the very, very best in each country, I'm going to be a couple of pinhole below.

The good pickpocket respect me for my skill. And they say, Bob, I don't understand how in the hell did you get this skill. They are in all. To learn pickpocket tricks of the trade and how to protect yourself against thieves, pickpockets, and scam artists. Check out episode 530 of The Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.

It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact question. that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of

five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.