The Jordan Harbinger Show - 744: Heinous Bro Needs the Old Heave-Ho | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

Your brother is such an overall horrible, vicious, violent person that the cops could pick him up for murder and you'd confidently say, "I'm pretty sure you've got the right guy." So the years he's chosen to drop out of your life have been blissful. Unfortunately, he's back causing havoc in your life and the only way you'll ever have peace is to distance yourself from him completely. But how? We'll try to find an answer to this and more here on Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/744 On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: We have an update on Gabe's neighbor from episode 705. Your human carbuncle of a brother has made your life — and the life of everyone else in your family — Hell for years, and you wish he'd just go away. What can you morally and legally do to make this happen? You have an ex who's publically airing grievances that you cheated on her, abused her, and gaslit her — and none of it is true. How can you stop her from spreading these lies and reassure your friends and family who have heard them that they're complete fabrications? You adopted your daughter, now age seven, three years ago after her birth mother committed a serious crime. Is it appropriate to tell your daughter the details when she asks? You've always been on great terms with your brother, but you find his current choice of girlfriend lacking. In fact, you think she may be an actual psychopath and you don't want him to bring her around anymore. Instead of being understanding about your concerns, he's taken her side and treats you like the enemy. What can you do? It's hard to feel like you're part of a supportive team when you're always the one willing to look like an idiot in front of your new manager to ask the questions everyone else only pretends to know. How can you ensure your manager doesn't really think you're an idiot? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi. Sign up for See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, my sidekick and salvation, Gabriel Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills are the world's most fascinating people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave, and our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker so you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening, even inside your own mind. If you are new to the show, on Fridays, we give advice to you, we answer listener

questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes to authors, thinkers to performers. This week, we had Dr. Romney on narcissism. So freaking fascinating, y'all. We went for, it was like a three-hour show. We left so much on the table. I love this woman. She is amazing. This was a a two-parter, probably could have been three. So make sure you have a listen to everything that we created for you here if you're interested at all in narcissism and narcissists. Really, really good. Today we're doing something a little different. Since it's Halloween in a few days, we're taking some of the scariest slash creepiest questions we've gotten in the Feedback Friday inbox just recently.

If we'd been collecting for the last, I don't know, several months, we'd have even more craziness. But this should be an interesting ride. Today's episode might be a little more intense than usual, but we'll try not to go a full horror movie on you here. Well, on that note, Jordan, before we dive into the questions, you're not going to believe what happened this week. Oh, did you get a new essential oils diffuser? Did you get a sandwich made entirely out of some type of exotic kale? Actually, yes, to the essential oils diffuser, because I brushed against it as I was rushing out of the house and I broke it, so I had to buy a new one. So it's actually hilarious that you picked up on that. So you did get a new essential oil

I actually did. Sandwich, no, I have not been messing with any exotic kale. But no, listen. So last weekend, around like 9 p.m., my neighbor Sam, hears somebody in the courtyard of our apartment. And, you know, after everything that happened with Josh, my schizophrenic neighbor, we've all been a little bit on edge. So he hears a sound.

He goes downstairs. It's really dark in the courtyard at night. And he sees a guy, seems to be like a homeless guy, sitting at the communal table in the corner of the courtyard. and Sam's like, hey man, you can't be here, you gotta leave. Oh, God. This isn't going where I think it's going. Okay, so the guy goes, he looks up and he says,

my friend died here. I'm visiting him. This is a cemetery. Oh. And the second he opened his mouth, Sam's like, oh, shit. Exactly. Sam's like, oh, shit, it's Josh. Oh, no, Josh is back.

Yes. Okay, so for anybody who doesn't, doesn't know what the hell we're talking about right now. Gabe was basically somewhat terrorized by a schizophrenic guy living next door to him for, was it six months earlier this year? It's about a little over six months. Yeah, we told the whole story on episode 705, if you want to check it out, still getting emails about that, by the way, so wild. So last we heard, Josh was out of the psych ward and living on the streets, right? Right, and weirdly, this is so bizarre. About a month later, like after Josh left, Sam, the same neighbor I just told you about, he actually saw

Josh outside of his office in the Palisades, which is like basically one town over from Santa Monica where I live. So this is just total coincidence? They just heard somebody banging the trash cans outside their window at their office and Sam goes outside and he's like, oh, I know that guy. I used to live next to that guy. Oh my gosh. That is so weird. So what happened in the courtyard? Sam called the police and the second Josh heard the police were on their way, he booked it and he was gone by the time they arrived. But then, this is even weirder. A few days ago, I get a video from Sam and his girlfriend, Veronica, these are my two neighbors. They were out playing bachi ball in the palisades.

And in the background of the video, they zoom in. And there's Josh sitting on a park bench, just watching them play bachy ball. Wait, again? Hold on. I need to abuse the soundboard. That is really very bizarre. Yeah, I know. It's super weird. Like, I don't know how to explain it, really. I don't want to say he's definitely following them. That's...

I mean, I asked the same question. I was like, does he really love you guys? But I don't think so. He seemed totally out of it. I think it's just another weird coincidence. Oh, and apparently when they were measuring the distance between the balls when they were playing, Josh walked up and offered them his shirt. And he was like, here, you can use the cuff to measure. But he didn't seem to recognize them at all. He didn't really understand who they were. It just makes me feel bad, of course, because you can just tell there's like a sweet kid underneath this. Yeah, it's the same thing. It's the same thing as last night.

Oh, my goodness. They just can't shake this guy. Apparently not. I just had to tell you the latest because it was just, oh, man, this story will not end. It's so sad, though. Man, I guess if he's on the streets, the Palisades is a pretty nice place to be. But still, it's tragic. And also, the fact that he booked it when he heard the cops were on the way, that just shows he's been.

Yeah. I mean, he's afraid of the police. Maybe they aren't nice to him. I don't know. I just, I can't help but think there's this really nice, sweet guy, and he's just having such a rough go. Ugh, geez. As always, we got some fun ones. We got some spookies. As you already can see, I will be overusing the soundboard today because I can't resist. Can't wait. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. My 29-year-old brother is an awful hostile person. He's the kind of guy who, if I ever got a call from the police saying my brother was being investigated for murder, I'd probably say they have the right guy. Wow. That's cold. That really paints a picture. Sure does. When we were kids,

he'd steal my allowance, scare my friends, and even shoot frozen paintballs at me as I walked home from school. By the way, frozen paintballs, the reason they only hurt a little is because they're not hard, but when you freeze them, it just, it's like rocks. I didn't even think about that. Yeah. So he's doing that so it hurts more. Right. Yeah, he's doing it so it hurts more instead of just exploding and getting you all painting. Jeez. Okay. He got a lot worse around 17. when he started drinking and doing drugs. He'd pick fights with anyone and everyone, pawn our dad's valuables for cash,

and get so drunk and violent that the neighbors would call the police to our house at least once a week. Our dad finally threw him out of the house when he woke up in the middle of the night to find my brother trying to take cash from his wallet. He moved out of the state for about three blissful years, only to move back in with my dad and me

when he landed an assault charge. Since he's been back, it's been hell. He's been fired. from every job he's ever had. He collects disability income for an ailment I don't believe is real. He mistreats his dog and the neighbors have called animal control on him several times. He picks fights with neighbors and scares their kids. And the community finally decided that my brother had to leave or my dad would be evicted. The final straw for me was when he put my toothbrush in the toilet and rubbed it in his poop before rinsing it off for me to use.

Okay, this, I mean, the paintball thing, the abusing of the dog thing is psycho. This is... This is next level. This is next level, but it's also just very psycho. You only do that when you are really, really, really angry that somebody just exists. Yeah, he's deranged. Yeah. Not a good dude.

No. Problematic. Later that day, he proudly told me what he did while I was at work. That same night, he got drunk and tried to intimidate me, so I cross-checked him with a baseball bat. He hasn't messed with me since. I moved out two days later. Since then, my brother shuffles between homeless shelters, 10 communities, and shared rentals. Now he lives with my mom and my 19-year-old step-sister in a tiny apartment,

and she calls me several times a day frustrated with the whole situation. I don't know if my brother will ever be able to be independent in this world, but I can't help but feel that he's a threat to public safety if he doesn't get help soon. What should I do? Signed, feeling beleaguered as my brother's keeper. Wow. Okay, this is legit terrifying. Gabe, can you imagine having somebody like this, as your sibling. No. Living in fear of him, being tormented by him,

being manipulated by him, being embarrassed by him, but at the same time, you probably feel responsible for him. Ugh. This is really sad. Your brother is a real mess. There's so much going on here.

I don't even know where to start. Clearly some serious mental health stuff, probably some real psychiatric issues, addiction, animal abuse, on top of what sounds like a very difficult personality. And I'm sorry that you, you and your family have been going through this. I really am. I feel sorry for him too, because there's obviously something very wrong with him. He's been like this since he was a kid,

and it sounds like he never got the help he needed back then, when it probably would have done him the most good. Gabe, I saw this video on Reddit the other day. Kids probably 10. He was bashing the mirrors off the neighbor's car. He took a golf club and smashed it. And all the comments are like, this kid is a piece of crap, but a lot of the comments that were top up voted were, this kid's being abused, who is this kid, I'm a social worker, every kid who acts like this, there's abuse that happened and nobody does anything about it. No kid just naturally acts like this. It's very, very, very rare for a kid to just come out of the womb like this. The odds are really low. Because even if you have the psychological predisposition,

let's say violent psychopathic behavior, the switch doesn't get flipped unless there's been a trigger and often that trigger is abuse. Yeah, yeah. could be something to happen to this guy. Yeah, but look, in the end, you're right. This guy is clearly a threat and a nuisance to basically everybody he comes into contact with, and he probably can't be independent in this world without some kind of assistance. But at this point, given how severe he is, given your history and your position here, my take is, I don't think there's anything you really can do, and I'm not sure you should. Your brother is on his own path. It's a highly destructive and very chaotic path. Even if you could help him, I don't know how you get through

to somebody like this. It doesn't sound like he wants to get better. I guess you could argue that his mental health problems are so severe. He doesn't even know what he really wants. He's just constantly in chaos. It's awful. But still, he's an adult. He's acting in ways that are, I mean, I don't even know what to call it. This is abominable. He's threatening and abusive. He's gross. Fixing him is just not your responsibility. What is your responsibility, in my view, is protecting yourself and protecting your family. I'm very concerned about this guy living with your mom and sister in that tiny apartment. And if he ever got worse, I don't even want to go there, but we have to acknowledge the truth. Your brother is unpredictable. He's combative. He's frequently intoxicated. Who knows

what he's capable of? And if he ever snapped, something truly bad could happen. I mean, he's in a house with two women, one who is young, which is why I think you guys need to decide as a family what your relationship with him is going to be. How much you guys are going to support him, how much contact you want to have with him, how you guys will respond when he acts out. If this were me, and I recognize other people feel differently, but here it is, I'm keeping this guy as far away from me as possible. He has done nothing to show that he's deserving of your help at all. Game of, am I just being heartless here? I mean, the guy sounds like a POS.

No, you're not being heartless. The second somebody's swirling my freaking Sonicare in the toilet, I'm out. You're dead to me. It's not going to happen. Look, we do know how you are about your sonic hair, you and your OCD oral hygiene. I mean, yes, I should floss and brush after every meal, but you're the only person I've ever met in real life who does this. And you're the reason those tiny single-use toothbrushes exist, those little wisp things.

You're the target market. Two in my backpack, one in the car, just in case. Yeah. But seriously, this toilet toothbrush thing is a literal nightmare. I mean, the other stuff is horrendous, but you don't mess with someone's toothbrush, right? Like, that's a red line. I know we're having a laugh, but that detail is truly horrifying. Yeah, dude, that's psychopath shit.

That's deranged. And then telling our friend here about it, the guy who wrote in, like, he wanted him to know what he had done. That is, like, extra creepy. Ironically, the most considerate thing he did. Hey, by the way, heads up. I want to say hopefully before he used it, but I have a feeling it was after, just to see the look at it. I don't feel like it was after. Yeah, he didn't really specify, but I'm guessing it was so gross.

Time to order some replacement heads, bro. I don't know what to tell you. I'm a fan of the HX 9033, 65 with brush sync technology, but that's your call. Plenty of options out there. Check Amazon. Now you're starting to sound like the psychopath, actually. Also, he might be a soft toothbrush guy. old school analog, the old oral B, nothing wrong with that.

I beg to differ. Electric's definitely the way to go, but we do not have to get into that right now. You know, Gabe, this conversation, it's reminding me of the business card scene in American Psycho. Have you ever seen that? Yeah, of course. That's a classic. New card. What do you think? Whoa. Very nice. Good coloring. That's bone.

And the lettering is something called Cillian Braille. But I'm with you, Gabe. Is that a new Sonic air? Ooh, is that brush sink technology? That's high quality plastic. You just don't come back from something like this. This would be a hard boundary for me. Get this dude out of my life, certainly away from my personal hygiene equipment.

He's on his own. This is just not a safe or healthy relationship at all. But this is something you guys should ideally decide as a family. I'd get my mom, my dad, my step sister together and talk this out. And if you guys can agree on your stance to, it'll be a lot easier to communicate that to your brother and present a united front. Help your mom and sister figure out if they want to continue living with them. I'm guessing they do not.

Decide whether you guys need to take some extra precautions, add some home security for the house, simplysafe.com slash Jordan, maybe some extra locks or a security system for real. Take out a restraining order if you don't want them coming around. I know that sounds harsh, but I really do think you need a restraining order against somebody like this. Yeah, I agree, but I imagine that'll be a lot harder for your parents than it will be for you and maybe your step-sister. It's got to be just so hard, Jordan, to cut off your own child, even if they are a maniac. So it's possible that you and your family will have different opinions here on your brother. And that's something to be prepared for as well.

If that happens, you know, if your mom says, ah, no, he's my son. Like, I can't kick him out of the house. I can't close my door. But you and your dad are like, we're not talking to him ever again. If that happens, then you guys will have to decide what you're going to. your stance will be on your brother, and how you're going to draw that boundary for yourself when everybody has different opinions. Good point. I really do hope they can arrive at a solution together. It'll be so much easier.

Yes, I know it's hard to think about kicking your family member out to live on the street, but the reason he lives on the street is that he cannot function normally with other people. Right. Because he's nuts. I just really don't see another option. And who knows? Maybe finding himself on the street again, cut off from his family. Maybe that'll be the wake-up call. He needs to start getting some help. Plenty of public resources are out there. And obviously, they're not always the best ones. I mean, just look at Josh's case. But they are out there, although candidly, I just, I don't have high hopes for him really engaging with those opportunities, given what you've shared. And I'm so sorry that you guys are in this position. I really am. But the bottom line

is, it's not your job to take care of your brother. It's not even your parents' job at this point. You guys deserve to live in normal, peaceful life with sanitized toothbrushes and unrifled through wallets. End of story. So, send any good thoughts. And hey, if you end up ordering a new toothbrush for some Sonic Air Replacement heads, go ahead and use our Amazon affiliate link. Helps helps keep the lights on around here. Electric, please, for the love of God, you guys deserve that too. You and your dentist, actually. And a pack of wisp. You know who won't contaminate your toothbrush with Fecal matter, Gabriel. The amazing sponsors who support this show.

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All right. Next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. A little over two years ago, I ended my four-year-long relationship with my high school sweetheart due to her manipulative habits, lack of support for me pursuing my degree, and refusal to get treated for her diagnosed bipolar disorder. Needless to say, it was a rough breakup. I didn't block her at first because I wanted to make sure we both had all of our belongings from each other's places. After two days of nonstop calls and texts, I ended up blocking her and then deactivating my social media altogether. Over the next year, I focused heavily on myself. I engaged in hobbies, traveled, got a well-paying job in my field, and met my wonderful current girlfriend. I felt good about myself and decided to reactivate my social media.

I DM'd a few of my old high school friends to rekindle some friendships, but all my DMs were met with nose or being ghosted. Eventually, one of my old high school friends replied with, Not after what you did to her during the breakup. I was confused to say the least and inquired about what she was talking about. Turns out, my ex had been telling old high school friends and even some of my family members that I had cheated on her, gaslit her, and even abused her, all of which is false. I went to her social media profiles and she's still posting publicly about how I was abusive

and how I cheated on her. How can I get my ex to stop posting about me on social media? And how should I approach this with my old friends to prove that I didn't do the things that she claimed? signed setting the record straight without having to prate, take the bait, or create more hate. Oh boy, this is a tough one. And yeah, very scary, but in a totally different way from question one. Yeah.

First of all, everything you're describing confirms that you were a hundred percent right to break up with this person. She sounds like a real liability. Here you are off social media, pursuing your goals, living your best life. And meanwhile, she's over here tweeting nonstop. for two years about how you hit her and you lied to her and all this awful stuff and you have no idea. So of course, all of this is circulating among their friends without any input from you. And that is so unsettling. Gabe, this woman is obviously very injured by this breakup and she's deriving some weird satisfaction from bashing him online or she's milking this story about

being abused for sympathy or attention, which is also just kind of pathetic and sad. It is sad, but also making false accusations, becoming fixated on someone or something, and maybe having a hard time differentiating reality from fiction, all of those could also be symptoms potentially of the bipolar disorder. True. This could just be the mania running wild, talking to a bunch of people constantly posting on social media, creating this whole alternative narrative that does fit with some cases. So how do you get her to stop? Well, that's a lot of That's tricky. I'm very wary about engaging with anyone like this. My advice when you're dealing with a maniac is usually just stay away, do not engage, do not give them oxygen. But on the other

hand, it's also really hard to just sit back and let somebody drag you online when you've done nothing wrong. So you have a few options. Option one, you ignore her and hopefully she just gets bored and moves on. Although, look, it's been two years and she hasn't stopped. If this was two weeks after the breakup, I'd be like, okay, maybe give it a little bit of time. It doesn't sound like this is necessarily going to work. And even if she did stop, the old posts are still up. She's had two years to cause a lot of damage. This is a problem. Option two is, you go on the record and you fight back. Maybe you post something of your own on social and you offer a very measured response so that your friends can see that there's another side here. But if you do

this, though, my strong advice to you is to not make it a long rant. Don't, get emotional, don't play the victim. You need to come across as the sane person in this situation. And here's the thing, it's very hard for the person who's acting crazy to be the same person. So it's going to be hard for her to be like, now I'm going to be normal and measured. It's like, now you've been kooky for two years. So when you do this, you would just want to share the facts, provide some context, keep it brief, and move on. There's a third option here, which is you reach out to your ex directly and you say something like, look, I've read all the things you've been posting about me. I'm very disturbed by the things you're saying, I know you know that they're not true,

and I'm asking you to stop, and I'm asking you to delete your posts. Now, who knows if she'll listen? She might not, but it's possible she's been doing this because she knows you're not on social media, and confronting her will suddenly make her think twice. And I do think it's fair to give her one shot at doing the right thing before you respond publicly. Now, your last option, and I'm sort of leaning towards this one, but, you know, maybe I'm biased here, because in my legal background, hire a lawyer to contact her with some kind of letter. Maybe it's a cease and desist for defamation and respectfully ask her to stop posting about you, because then you're not reaching out to her. It's your attorney. It's going to cost a little bit of money, probably not too

much money. It might just grab her attention and make her think twice about slandering you online. You have a tort here, right? You have a cause of action. And possibly, depending on how far it goes, we could be talking criminal stuff. And by the way, if you confront her over the phone or in person, I would record everything. Now check your local wiretapping laws and all that first. Make sure it's legal for you to record the conversation. But hey, that's for law enforcement and for stuff that you might admit in court. There's nothing wrong with you recording your end, usually in many cases, again, caveat, et cetera, et cetera. But if you talk to her and she goes, oh yeah, well, you broke up with me and you screw you, I'm ruining your life, a-hole. Now you have a confession that's on

tape and you can, if it's been all above board and legal record where you are, you can use that in court, you can also show your friends who will now know that it's BS and has been BS all along. Three, look, you might even possibly make that public, depending, again, on what your lawyer says about that. Certain people, especially unstable ones, they love to incriminate themselves. Yeah, they sure do. I think that's solid advice, Jordan. I would be wary of engaging with her because like why open that door again after the way she acted. But you're right. Maybe she needs to be confronted and maybe confronting her gives this guy an opportunity to get the evidence that he needs. As far as how to approach this with your old friends, that one might be a little bit easier. I would start by

sharing your story with them. And like Jordan just said, I would do it in a way that's as level-headed as possible so they can hear how different your grasp of the situation is from hers. And obviously, part of your agenda here is to set the record straight. But I wouldn't spend, you know, 45 minutes rehashing everything, getting worked up, I would just sum everything up in a few minutes. Focus on the facts, which are basically that she has an untreated disorder. She's upset about the breakup. She's making up stories about you. So that way it doesn't sound like you're over-explanning or unnecessarily stirring the pot. But I would also say something about what these false accusations are doing to you, you know, the impact that they've had on your relationships

and your reputation and your state of mind. You might want to say something like, So-and-so's accusations are really unsettling, and they're putting me in the awful position of having to defend myself against things that I absolutely didn't do with my friends and my family. It's terrible. I don't like being in this position. If someone told me that, I would have a hard time not believing them, or at least questioning what I thought was true.

Yeah, same. When one party is screaming, he hit me and he gaslit me and he cheated on me for two friggin' years, and the other party is like, I'm just catching up on all this, and none of has happened. I'm totally confused and weirded out. I think any reasonable person is going to go, oh, okay. So this person is kind of nuts, and he got the hell out, and we only heard one side of this story. Right. There are other interpretations, I suppose, but that's kind of where I would go with it. Yeah. And if any of these friends refuse to listen to him, then I think he just has to accept that some people will not come around for whatever reason, and that's their choice. Those people

probably wouldn't be great friends to him anyway, if they're not even willing to consider his side of the story or another point of view. Agreed. But also, if he wins over one or two of them, they may talk to the others and the truth is going to start to spread. I mean, if most people, they're like, I don't want to hear anything. This guy's drama, but then a couple people are like, yeah, I'm open to an alternative narrative because I never really liked her. She seemed a little off. And you're like, here's a tape where she admits this is all fabrication to ruin my life because she's upset. And they're like, oh, it's like, hey, I know Angela and Tom won't talk to me anymore. I liked them. Would you mind sharing a little bit about what you heard here?

Might be like, yeah, yeah, I'll send him a text right now. You totally got railroaded, bro. Right. That makes more sense. And I'm so sorry this is happening to you, man. I know how scary it must be, but the silver lining is that she sounds like a pretty unreliable narrator. And there's no evidence that you did any of the things that she claims because it didn't

happen. So as upsetting as this is, don't let a sad and troubled person stop you from moving forward. You're doing all the right things. You're focusing on yourself. You're building a great life. if you're starting this great new relationship, that is what really matters. So just do some basic damage control, set the record straight, and move on. And thank your lucky stars you got out of this relationship when you did,

because imagine what might have happened if you'd actually stuck around. And good luck. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line. That makes our job a whole lot easier. If there's something you're going through, any big decision that you are wrestling with, or you just need a new perspective on stuff, life, love, work, what to do if your husband keeps getting overly involved with various women,

whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday atjordanharbinger.com. We're here to help, and we keep every email anonymous. All right, next up. Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I've had my seven-year-old daughter for over three years now because her mother committed a pretty serious crime, injuring a minor, someone my daughter actually knows, resulting in major brain trauma. I have full custody of my daughter now, and we live over 10 hours away from her mom, so she only sees her on FaceTime. She asks me questions about her mom, but I'm not exactly sure how to handle them.

I tell her she's with me full-time because of something that her mom did, but I haven't gone into more detail because I don't want to turn her against her mother. But she isn't the type of person who would tell my daughter the truth about what happened. She had an evaluation done with a therapist, and they reported back to the court. that she was being deceitful. This might have been because she didn't want to get in more trouble, but it's worth noting that she didn't take the kid she injured straight to the hospital after the incident. She waited multiple hours, and the doctors at the hospital said that if any more time had passed, he would have been dead. So how do I handle this question? And at what age do you think it would be appropriate to tell my daughter the full story of what happened? Signed, the puzzled pops.

Oh, good question. First of all, I'm really sorry that this happened. This is so incredibly sad. And of course, every time I hear about anything happening to a child, I just imagine it happened to my own kids. It puts you in the very difficult position of parenting alone and having to decide how to tell your daughter about her mom at such a young age. That is not easy. I have to say, though, it sounds like you're handling this exceptionally well. You're being thoughtful about your daughter's experience. You're being conscientious. You're being conscientious. of your ex. You don't want to ruin their relationship. You sound like a solid dad. We wanted to run this all by an actual expert. So we reached out to Dr. Teal McIntosh, child clinical psychologist. And the first thing that Dr. McIntosh said was there's no clear-cut right way to go about this. In fact, her view is that your parental instincts are just as useful, if not more useful, than specific clinical recommendations. After all, you know your daughter best. So as you decide how much to share with her, Dr. McIntosh's insight was to focus more on your daughter's developmental level and personality rather than on her age. A lot of this depends

on what she wants to know, what her relationship with her mom is like, how mature and curious and perceptive she is. For example, does she have the capacity to balance loving her mom with recognizing that her mom did something harmful? Is she capable of that kind of nuance that contradiction. If she is, then you might be able to fill her in a little bit more. And if not, then you might want to wait another year or two or three until she's ready to process that information and still have a loving relationship with her mom. So I wouldn't lie to your daughter about what happened, but you can decide how much detail to share with her. And I have to say, it sounds like you've done quite a good job at that so far. It's not an easy line to walk. But you're

being very thoughtful about what she needs to know and when. Now, if your daughter seems satisfied with just knowing that her mom has done something bad, then it's probably okay to just leave it at that for now. But if she's like, wait, I don't understand. You're not telling me what happened. I'm confused. Then you might want to consider telling her that the mom physically hurt somebody else. And again, you might not need to go into every detail of what happened. Maybe you give her the broad outlines of the story and then see if she comes back with more questions. In Dr. McIntosh's opinion, some seven-year-olds can handle that kind of information and others they can't. Again, you're probably the best judge of that. Now, if you do decide to tell her what her mom did,

Dr. McIntosh said it'll be important to reassure her that her mom will not hurt her too. That's got to make your daughter feel safe. You might want to say something along the lines of, Mom made a mistake, but she won't make that mistake with you. Now, of course, I would only say that if you truly believe that your daughter would be safe with her mom, if you don't think that she would be safe with her, then I would stay away from that particular promise. And that said, I definitely think you're doing the right thing by not trashing her mom here, especially if you want your daughter to have a relationship with her. The other insight that Dr. McIntosh had was it's also important to tell her mom what you're sharing with,

your daughter so that you're both on the same page. If you're on speaking terms with your ex, then you should probably have a conversation with her about what you guys want to tell your daughter before sharing anything with her. And Dr. McIntosh's experience, your daughter being caught in the middle of conflicting stories from her parents, that could actually be more harmful than telling her very little about what happened. So that's how we would approach this. It's a situation that doesn't have one clear answer, but these are some guiding principles. And for what it's worth, Dr. McIntosh said that you probably know more than you're giving yourself credit for. This is a tough situation, but you seem to be handling it really well. So listen to your daughter,

get a handle on her capacity for understanding this situation, and follow her lead. And if you do that, I think you'll handle this as well as you can. So we're sending you and your daughter good thoughts. Gabe, you know who won't make a tasteless joke about children with brain injuries as their sick idea of an ad pivot? The amazing sponsors who support this show. We'll be We'll be right back. Thank you so much for listening to and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. To learn more and get links to all of the discounts you heard,

all those codes that can be kind of complicated. They always change. Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals is where you can find them. And you can search for any sponsor using the search box on the website as well. Please consider supporting those who support this show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabriel.

The first time I met my brother's girlfriend, I saw behaviors that I was very uncomfortable with, extreme extroversion, yelling, inappropriate jokes, flattering, pawing, and a hypersexualized appearance. I could see my brother flinching and frowning throughout the night, but he continued to date her and brought her to our weekly family dinners. I tried to give her a chance, thinking that she was just nervous or shallow or just had bad manners. But having interacted with her a bunch, I now believe she probably was. exists on this psychopath spectrum, and I want nothing to do with her. I've always been on great

terms with my brother, so I called him, and I told him that I'm very uncomfortable with some of the things that she says and does. I pointed out that when she's around, she boxes him in so that no one else can interact with him, that she isolates and controls him. Finally, I asked him not to bring her over anymore. Instead of trying to understand where I was coming from, he blew up, accused me of being selfish and said he loved her. Now he won't speak to me. I've written letters, emails, and texts, and left him messages. No reply. I'm confused about where this venom is coming from, and it's hard for me to sit back and watch him get chewed up, spit out, and isolated by this woman. Is there anything more I can do? Signed, a cis facing an abyss over my brother's

trists with this troubling miss. Yikes, this is hard to watch. This woman definitely sounds like a piece of work. Gabe, I have such a vivid image of her in my mind based on this email. Yeah, same. Misty with her micro miniskirt and loud-ass voice piercing the room, draping herself across her brother's lap the first time

she comes over to their parents' house, just marking her territory. Yeah, totally. Dropping F-bombs in front of his mom while she simultaneously complements the casserole. Yeah, it's the old interloper one-two punch. If Jaden brought this girl home in 20 years, I'd be like, Jaden, sit down. We're going to have a talk. I know the

roller coaster you're on, it's probably a lot of fun right now, but I ain't about to have Misty as a daughter-in-law. Sorry. Yeah, no, we're not going to happen. Now, but anyway, before we get into all this, it's worth mentioning that the term psychopath gets thrown around a bit these days. Is Misty actually a psychopath, clinically speaking? Eh, hard to say. The brother from question one, I mean, that dude sounds a lot closer to a psychopath or somebody with, like, personality disorder. Who knows? The behaviors you're describing here might constitute a few of the criteria for psychopathy, but this woman could also just be incredibly brash, ingratiating, controlling, and maybe those are symptoms of some kind of disorder or diagnosis, but whatever

words we use, it's pretty clear. She's kind of a nightmare. She's isolating your brother physically and emotionally from you and your family. And yeah, that is worrisome. Now, the way your brother responded when you told him that, that also says a lot. He obviously likes this girl, or he likes the way he feels when he's with her, and he's very protective of her, but he also might know that their dynamic is problematic. And having you shine a light on it so clearly, maybe that was just too threatening.

Maybe it was a little embarrassing, so he shut the conversation down, probably a combination of all of the above. But at the end of the day, if Misty is isolating him and controlling him and he won't engage with you when you bring it up, then on some level he wants to be isolated and controlled. I can't imagine that.

that this relationship is very fulfilling, but that doesn't mean the relationship isn't fulfilling some kind of function for him. And who knows what that is. But finding out might be your way back into contact with your brother. Right. I agree completely. So my advice would be to keep the line of communication open with your brother. He's not answering you right now. Fine. That's his decision. But I would stay in touch with him. Maybe you drop him a text every two, three weeks and you say, hey bro, I know you're a little mad at me. I didn't mean to upset you. I love you. I'm here whenever you want to talk, something like that. Or when you run into him at your family dinners, maybe you give him a hug, you ask him how he's doing, signal to him that you're not pulling away.

That way, when things go sideways with Misty, and I'm sure they will at some point, like Jordan said, people like this are a roller coaster. He won't feel a ton of friction around reaching out to you. And that's what you want. You want him to reach out to you when they get into a fight, or he's having doubts about the relationship or he just wakes up one day and he realizes that he hasn't really talked to his family in three months and he misses you guys. And then you can ask him how he's feeling and how the relationship is going. And if he shares a little bit, keep asking him questions, get him talking. Hopefully he'll start to say things that you can use to help him see the situation more clearly.

So for example, if he's like, I don't know, I feel like she wants me all to herself. She gets kind of mad when I talk to you guys a lot. I would ask him why that is. How do you feel about that? Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in? Or if he says, sometimes I really love her, sometimes she drives me up the wall, ask him why things get so intense, what those feelings are trying to tell him, ask him maybe how he and Misty deal with problems when they come up.

And while you do all of that, I would reassure him that you are not trying to make him do anything. You're not asking him to break up with her to make you happy. you just want him to be in the best possible relationship, right? A relationship that's peaceful and healthy and loving. That way, he can't turn around and accuse you of being selfish again or just dismiss your concerns out of hand because you just happen not to like her.

In other words, have a conversation, and it might be several conversations, that slowly lead him to the right conclusion. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'll only end things with Misty when he realizes how problematic all of this really is. Yeah. being told what to do, especially by you, that doesn't work with your brother. And to be fair, he has to have the freedom to make his own mistakes and learn his own lessons. Unfortunately,

that might mean you have to ride this out for a while. It might be a few weeks. It might be a few months. It might be longer. I really hope not. But all the more reason to keep the door open with your brother. And I'm sorry that he reacted this way. That's really hard, especially from a brother you had a great relationship with. But I think you know that that that's that says way more about him than it does about you. He's going through his own process here, and as much as that sucks, you kind of have to let him. Yeah, you kind of got to let him go through it.

Unless something really terrible happens or you have some indication that something more sinister is going on, then you would have more license to intervene. Like, I don't know, if you find out that she's taken his phone or she's abusing him in some way or she's putting him at risk, like, I don't know, charging up his credit cards

or draining his bank account or something like that, then yeah, maybe you guys should have a family intervention and try to get him to see what's going on. But if Misty just kind of sucks as a person, then yeah, you're going to have to ride this out until he comes to his senses, unfortunately. It's kind of ambiguous just how problematic this woman is. The most concerning thing is her dominating him and boxing people out. Isolating somebody from their family, it's never a good sign. It's actually very common in domestic abuse situations, of course. but is Misty actually abusing her brother, or is it heading in that direction?

It's all unclear. It doesn't sound like it, but you just never know what's going on behind the scenes or what somebody's capable of. Right. That detail, it's not encouraging, but it might not be dire. Exactly. So it's tough, but I hope your brother comes around, and I hope this woman either learns to act right or more likely just gets gone. And once the dust settles, I hope your brother takes the time to figure out what drew him to somebody like this,

so it doesn't happen again. Good luck. We're sending you and your brother good thoughts and Misty, not so much. All right, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm in my second month at a new job with a pretty young team. We have a great experienced manager and all of my peers have about the same experience level that I do, which is minimal. Sometimes the manager gives us a task and he uses jargon I'm not familiar with or he doesn't realize we need more instruction before we take on a new task. I'm okay with looking like the dumb one occasionally and asking the seemingly obvious questions, but my teammates never take their turn, so it's just me looking like the novice all the time.

I know I'm not the only one who doesn't know what's going on because I'll see them take notes or they'll ask a follow-up question during the explanation. But it's hard to build the kind of relationship with my peers where I can ask them to pitch in because we're fully remote, so it's hard to get a read on their personalities. Now I'm starting to worry that my manager will think I'm an idiot. Is this something I should even worry about? Or should I just keep asking questions? Signed, terrified of clarifying, but dying to shine even when it's mortifying.

This is a really great question. Interesting that you chose this one for the scary episode, Gabe. I thought we'd end up with more of a squirrel in the mailbox kind of situation. Well, we had a lot of heavy ones, so I wanted to balance it out. But also, looking dumb is scary in a lot of ways, right? especially at work. Yeah, good point. Fear can come from so many places.

This is definitely high on a lot of people's list, so let's dig into it. So my take here is pretty simple. I actually love that you're willing to look dumb in order to do your job well. Because the truth is, the person who's willing to look dumb, they're often the smartest person in the room. And I'm not just saying that to be like a contrarian here. If there's something you don't understand, then you asking the dumb question is actually the responsible thing to do.

and any manager worth their salt, they know that. They'd rather people ask questions. They'd rather people ask for clarification in the moment than pretend they know what's going on and then just make mistakes down the line that have to be corrected. That's what a lot of people tend to do because they're so afraid of looking dumb.

It's like, I don't want to look dumb so they just look incompetent instead? I don't know. So I actually have a hunch, you don't look as dumb as you think. What's more likely is that you look pretty damn confident because you're the one who's willing to admit when you don't understand something.

That's not being an idiot. That's being secure enough to say, hang on, I'm not getting this. Can we just take a second to clarify? And the irony is, if you're confused, chances are other people are too, your colleagues. Like you said, you see them taking notes and asking follow-up questions. So clearly everyone's in the same boat. You're just the only one with the guts to admit it. Which also means that your colleagues probably love you.

When they think about you, they're not thinking, oh, she's the dumb one. They're thinking, thank God for her. she's the one who's always fallen on the sword and asking the questions that I'm too afraid to ask. Yeah, totally. I could not agree more. And as for getting your colleagues to ask the dumb questions sometimes to do their fair share, I know that's tough when you're remote, but look, you're only two months into this job. You're still getting to know these people.

Over time, I do think you'll build enough of a relationship to say, hey, guys, you know how like we're all confused when Bobby gives us directions? I'm happy to be the fall guy, but it would be awesome if you guys spoke up when you're confused too. So he doesn't think I'm the only idiot on the team. You know, ha, ha, ha, something like that. You know what she needs to do? She needs to plan a Zoom happy hour after work and just chill with these people. Or book a few one-on-one zooms with the ones who seem cool and get to know them a little more

and just sort of break the remote work syndrome. Then they'll be Sympatico and they can talk about Bobby and the team and how things are going. And then it'll be super easy to say, hey, can you just speak up when you're confused? Or they might even start speaking up automatically because then they'll be a real team. because I have a feeling right now nobody wants to look dumb in front of anybody else because they don't know each other that well

and she's the only one who's got the guts to do this and so this problem might kind of solve itself once they get a little bit more on the same page they're not just going to be looking to the new person to be the fall guy or gal yeah totally my only other thought is yes I would be willing to keep asking questions at work

because when you're new to a company in a lot of ways your job is to be dumb so to speak except you're not dumb you're just learning And it's absolutely appropriate for you to speak up when you don't understand something. Being willing to look a little bit silly as you learn, that's just the price of admission. And it's a gift because people who embrace their ignorance, people who are willing to fail publicly or just look like, you know, I don't really know what I'm doing.

Let me get up to speed. They tend to level up a lot faster and they deal with much less imposter syndrome. Whereas the people, maybe like your colleagues, who pretend to know what they're doing, because it's so threatening to ask for help, they tend to struggle a lot more with imposterism, and then, of course, they spend all of this time and this energy managing their appearances, instead of actually growing and trying to get better, and that just makes the imposterism worse. So my take is, yeah, keep asking the dumb questions if it's appropriate, because it's often the smartest and most responsible thing you can do.

Well said, Gabe, that's the crux of resolving imposter syndrome right there. and it's just a way less stressful way to move through life. So yeah, I love your attitude. You're modeling a great quality for your colleagues, and I hope they follow your lead. Keep up the great work, and when you are the boss one day, try to encourage your employees to be honest with you, too. Because there's no reason to be afraid of looking a little dumb sometimes.

The thing you should be afraid of is pretending you know everything when you actually don't. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everybody who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out. my two episodes with Dr. Romney, if you haven't yet. It's a two-parter. We could have gone for three.

Really fascinating stuff on narcissism. Want to know how I managed to book all these great people for the show? I've got a great network. It's not a humble brag. It's been years in the making. I use certain strategies, software, systems, tiny habits. I'm teaching you all of those same things for free in our six-minute networking course. It's over on the think-ific platform at jordanherbanger.com slash course. I want to teach you out to dig the well before you get thirsty. Build relationships before you need them. It takes a few minutes a day. It's not a big time commitment. It's the type of habit that you really ignore at your own peril. Again, it's all free. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at Jordan Harbinger.com. Transcripts are in the

show notes. Advertisers, deals, and discounts are all at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. You can find Gabe Mizrahi or on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast One. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show.

Dr. McIntosh's input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship. with those inquiring for guidance. And hey, remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love, and if you found this episode useful,

please share it with somebody else who can use the advice that we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast.

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