The Jordan Harbinger Show - 808: Felonious Fellow is Harshing Your Mellow | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: March 10, 2023

You sank your savings into a lovely house with a big yard to call your own, only to discover that the nearest neighbor who lives down the drive is a repeat violent offender who's done time for attempted murder. Now you feel unsafe on your own property because you're constantly stressing about the countless ways you might unintentionally set him off and turn yourself into a target. Where should you go from here? Welcome to Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: The felon down the drive makes it hard for you to thrive. Where should you go from here? [Thanks to executive security manager George Grant for helping us with this one!] Your deadbeat friend won't kick in his fair share of the rent. Though you've known him forever, you can't foot the bill whenever he decides not to pay up. What should you do? Are the concerns you have over your significant other's narcissistic tendencies valid, or should you trust their interpretation of your overreaction? Your significant other has lost their chance at the dream job they've idealized almost since birth. Where should you go from here? How does a teenage atheist find comfort in the uncertainty of life, the universe, and everything? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi. Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/808  This Episode Is Brought To You By Our Fine Sponsors: jordanharbinger.com/deals  Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at jordanharbinger.com/course!  Like this show? Please leave us a review here — even one sentence helps! Consider including your Twitter handle so we can thank you personally!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the psychological spy balloon hovering over this landscape of life conundra, Gabriel Mizrahi. Wow, that was very timely. Yeah. And just like that spy balloon, I'm assuming I too am about to be shot down at some point. Yeah, you get ready for that, Gabe. I will. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life. and those around you. We want to help you see the matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave, and our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker, so you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and makes sense of what's really happening even inside your own mind. If you're new to the show, on Fridays we give advice, we answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes, authors, thinkers, and performers. This week we had Neil Woods on undercover drug operations. Just an amazing, amazing set of stories from undercover work, why drugs policy doesn't work,

manipulation and psychology. I just did an incredible, incredible episode. I really love doing that one. And Siddharth Kara on how cobalt is mine. And this is quite horrifying, if you haven't heard it yet. Both really, really good listens this week. Go back and check out those if you haven't had a chance to do so yet. And Skeptical Sunday airing this Sunday.

So make sure you've had a look and listen to all of that. Gabe, before we jumped in, I, you know, I remembered a crazy story that I'd completely forgotten about until this week. Ooh, tell me. So this was like the year 2000, the year, that sounds like the year Skynet took over. I was in Egypt with, well, I was originally in Israel, crazy uprising started. All of the students from my program either went, well, most of them went home because the universities canceled their exchange programs. I was an independent. So I stuck around with a couple of other adventurers. And we went to Egypt. thinking the whole thing would calm down in like three weeks. And we decided to go on a longer trip. So we went to Ilat, which is in the south of Israel, went to the Egyptian consulate. We got there maybe at like five or six o'clock in the morning. We basically stayed up all night, sat out in the cold and just waited for the thing to open, laid down next to it. And as we got closer to opening time, which is probably eight or nine, the line was ridiculous. And they were only going to be open for a few hours because it was a holiday in Israel. It was like one of these

long deals or several days long. And we get our visas and they close the window for the visas at, you know, whatever time shortly after a few people after us were done, we were waiting for a bus. And like 50 people just didn't have time to get visas. And they were like, bye, good luck. And they were trapped for days in I lot over the holiday weekend with everything booked up and or closed. And one guy who was on the trip with us, not in our group, but with us from our school, he was a huge prick, just one of these real entitled guys, and he got a visa, and we went on the bus. And as we're riding this 27-hour bus ride from a lot that goes all the way through the Sinai Peninsula all along the coastline, this guy, when we get to Egypt proper, the border agents

come on the bus again because they're checking visas again, because apparently you need a different visa for Sinai and a different visa for Egypt. Well, we had Egypt visas. This guy who was a jerk to the guys at the visa window, he only had a Sinai visa. Clearly they had done this on purpose because he was an A-hole and they made him get off the bus after like the first, you know, 10 hours of bus ride, maybe even more. Oh, that's so rough. Yeah. Yeah. So he's in the middle of like nowhere between Sinai and Egypt and they're like, nope, you're and it's like one o'clock in the morning and they make him get off the bus. And I'm like, holy crap, be nice to anybody in a position and double check your documents, folks. Just make sure. Good point. Like, even if you can't read Arabic, which none of us could,

obviously, you need to just look at what everybody else got in their passport and be like, okay, because his was green and ours were red. I mean, any sort of cursory examination of the documents would have revealed that he had something else. Anyway, my friend turned to me and goes, if that happens to you or me, we're both getting off the bus. And I was like, of course, because all his friends are like, peace, dude, sorry, sucks to be you. I'm going to Egypt, have fun getting back to Jerusalem alone at night. So I was on this bus. By the way, again, 27-hour bus ride, very slow.

Everybody else on the bus was an Egyptian fisherman, aside from the couple of people that were traveling from our school. And they were like real salt of the earth guys. I mean, these are, again, fishermen from the Sinai Peninsula and or Egypt. And they were like popping in these movies that were insanely anti-Israel and anti-USA. It was just, it was ridiculous.

Like, you'd see a woman would get, like, pushed or down, these guys would walk in and these, like, 1989-overalls. And they'd be like,

yeah, we're here because we want this and this, and they'd be like these cartoonishly stupid villains. And as soon as they showed up, they would zoom in on this giant star of David that they all had to wear

as bling, because of course, otherwise, how would you know that they're Jews? And the music would be like, and I remember the guys who were watching the movies, were like looking at us and shaking their head

and then they would tell the bus driver to change it because even these old like 70 year old fishermen were like this is so stupid I can't watch this dumb ass thing. Let's not hurt their feelings these poor boys. Oh, got it. Yeah. It was that but also it was so dumb. It was just so dumb.

Even they were like okay, this is now that other people who aren't 70 year old Egyptian fishermen are watching this so we realize how stupid these movies are. So finally we wake up after literally over a day long on this bus. And the guys are playing, you know, backgammon or whatever it is and dice games on the bus all night long and chain smoking as one does. We go to, I think it was south of Luxor. We were really

far south. As far south as you can go as a tourist without either special permits and or a military escort, and I can't remember exactly what the deal was. So I wake up in my hotel and I hear screaming and wailing. And I'm just thinking, what is that? And it's getting louder and louder. What is that? What is that? What is that. Is there an emergency? I should probably get out of bed now. This is not good, whatever this is. And I walk outside and the wailing is so loud and I realize it's actually a funeral and they're holding up a giant photo of this older guy that's enormous. And all of the women in the funeral parade were grabbing their clothes and screaming at the top of their lungs and crying. And it was actually quite terrifying because I imagine a group of women that are wailing in mourning for somebody at the

top of their lungs and walking through town. And I've never seen or heard of anything like that at this point in my life. And I was like, what is going on? And people are like, relax. It's a funeral. It's totally normal. It's this totally normal stuff when somebody passes away. I just could not believe it. That was one of those, like, where am I right now? I'm really in another culture. Like the bus ride was one thing. This is even on another level. And as I walked to get out of the way of the funeral procession, I walked through a bunch of camels. What do you call that, by the way? Is it like a murder, a herd of camels? Is there a word for this? I believe it's a caravan of camels.

Oh, really? That's what that word comes from. Okay. I don't know why I know that, but I do know that, and that's what it is. So there were a bunch of camels that were just tied up outside businesses. It's like the Wild West instead of horses, it's camels, because that's what people rode there mostly in this little town. Yep. And I stepped in a deep puddle of just hot, sun-warmed camel piss. Oh, no.

With my Teva sandals. And it got, and I... Oh, opened. You don't even have proper shoes. No, no, just, you know, good old sandals. And I, I was like, ooh, that might be bad later. And I tried to wash my foot off and stuff, but it was, you know, it was hard. I would hope so. Where am I going to do that?

And in rural Egypt. I don't know. In the hotel? What do you mean? You can't do it in the hotel? Yeah, but it was like, I didn't even have a shower in my hotel room. It was kind of just like this. Oh, it's like that. Bunky thing. So I go out there.

I wash my foot off and I, like, put a bandage on some of the obvious blisters that I had from walking and stuff. And I ended up with a ridiculous blood infection because I was an idiot. And I had staff. Oh, yeah. Wait, what? You got staff infection for this? It was horrible. And what was weird is I remember my foot slowly just getting red like over days and being like,

that's probably not good. And then eventually it was like, oh yeah, fever. This is nasty. The doctor was like, this is bad. They gave me some kind of crazy methamphetamine medication to feel better. And I remember taking a, uh, train or a bus, can't even remember what it was at this point, taking the pill, feeling horrible, taking the pill looking at the clock on the train, and it just went, and four hours went by,

and then I got off the train, remember, I could barely get on the train, I got off the train, and I was like, yo, let me help you guys with your luggage, and I carried everyone's heavy-ass bags off this train, and I was like, whatever's in this works really well, and it was definitely meth. We should take that before we record the show. that's what we need. That's what we should do. Yeah, can you get your hands on some of that, some of that Luxor meth?

Whatever it was, I should have kept the box. I'll tell you that. Anyway, there's no real point to this story other than definitely be nice to administrative officials who are going to give you a visa. And doctors who might have to amputate your foot. And doctors who might have to amputate your foot and or have the right to prescribe you something insane.

And definitely don't step in camel piss. And if you do, don't be a moron. Wash your damn foot sporn on everything and I don't know, pour some vodka on it if you have to. All right, we've got some fun ones. We've got some doozies. I can't wait to dive in. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailback? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. Three years ago, my husband and I sold our first fixer-upper and used the profit to purchase the home of our dreams in a coastal New England town only miles from where I grew up. This house, which we love and which we know is our forever home, is our nest egg, retirement,

and biggest asset we plan to leave to our children. We put our life savings into it and set up our future with this house as the cornerstone. When we moved in, we hosted a huge barbecue for our friends, family, and neighbors, including an older man who lives on the lot down our driveway. He had a sketchy vibe, but seemed harmless and nice enough. He spent the whole day in my house, ate the food I prepared and chit-chatted with all of our guests. After that, I drop off leftovers and Christmas cookies and participate in many conversations with this guy, thinking he was just a lonely old man in his 60s. Then, recently, I decided to do some research

on one of the lots we own where we want to build a house, and which sits directly behind this neighbor's house. A little bit of digging turned into an absolute nightmare when I googled him. As it turns out, an incident at his house five years ago left him convicted of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon after a drunken episode. The story was very explicit and involved other neighbors on our street, something straight out of a horror film. I studied the timeline and we purchased our home only a few months after he got out of prison and then rehab.

I ran a background check on him, praying that that was the only thing I would find, but alas, I discovered another attempted murder charge, which he served time for in federal prison in the 90s. Appropriate. Exactly. Yeah, totally. So our driveway passes his house with a clearance of about 30 feet. Anytime I leave the house, we're always forced to engage with him, which I now do just to avoid pissing him off or tipping him off to the fact that we know his past. I'm especially uneasy on days when I'm home with my kids, and my husband is on the road for work.

We're an active crew. We love to explore our property and play in nature, and we never spend a full day inside. I am furious. I also feel so ashamed and naive. for giving this man handouts, letting my kids play with his dog, and welcoming him into our home to meet our family and friends. How do I handle this guy now? How do I balance knowing his dangerous past with still engaging him without being obvious? Are we now putting our family's

wealth above our safety? Signed, feeling sore about the lore of the gore, perpetrated before by the guy next door. Wow, coming in hot today, Gabe. So, you know, sometimes it hits. I got to go with it. Yikes, man. This is quite a situation. What an insane discovery to make. Seriously. I'm so sorry that you guys bought this dream home, welcome this guy in, settled into this

beautiful life, and then learned that this neighbor is potentially dangerous. That's very unsettling. And yeah, I can definitely understand why it puts you on edge, especially when you and the kids are alone. We wanted to talk to an expert about what to do here. So we reached out to George Grant, executive security manager at a Fortune 40 company. George has also run personal protection for high net worth families, so he really knows his stuff. In fact, he and his team put their heads together and did a tabletop exercise about your letter

to really think through how they would advise a family in your shoes. So you're getting true expert advice from a team that, say, an actual billionaire would hire to protect their own family. So the first thing George said is that this is one of those situations where the knee-jerk response is often just to move. but the truth is, we usually can't control whether we move in next to a criminal or a predator. And given your situation, it doesn't sound like you guys would want to move or that you even can. And anyway, it would be a shame to give up this amazing property and let this guy, well, win, so to speak,

even though he hasn't done anything to you. So the real question, in George's view, is this. How do you handle your potentially dangerous neighbor now? And his take is that it comes down to a few very simple but very effective tactics. And those tactics are lock your doors, maintain your situational awareness, be a hard target, and post some simple cameras and lighting at your front and back doors, maybe even on the driveway leading up to the house, so that you have good visibility there.

And you know I have to plug SimpliSafe here. They're an amazing provider of security solutions for your home. Go to simplysafe.com slash Jordan for a discount to get started. It's one of those sort of systems that's going to be super easy to set up and add a little layer of protection here. The other thing George explained to us is that every targeted violent act has what he calls pre-incident indicators. And those indicators, they're much easier to monitor with a neighbor than with a total

stranger. George and his colleagues actually use a model called the pathway to violence. In a nutshell, the pathway to violence says that most predators generally, they don't snap out of nowhere. They'll take predictable steps. So they go from having a grievance to having violent ideations, to planning and prepping, and then finally to acting out. So even if this guy were to attack someone while he's drunk and has a target of opportunity, in George's experience, he'd probably have thought about it. He'd probably have created a real or perceived grievance in his mind. He might even have leaked something in a conversation or been caught prowling the house

when the family was away, not to freak you out. In fact, quite the opposite. George's point is, there would probably be breadcrumbs leading to the event that you are now afraid of. And the phrase that kept popping up for George was good fences, make good neighbors. So his other recommendation here, consider doing some landscaping, creative landscaping. They would force this guy to intentionally overcome non-intrusive security measures before he can engage with you. That's a fancy way of saying putting up maybe a five-foot hedge between your lot and his. That's short enough, you could still maintain some awareness, but it's tall enough that it would be inconvenient

to have regular interactions. And Gabe, I'm imagining here a home improvement where he is always talking to the neighbor and he only sees the nose on up. Yep, that's exactly it. Now, in terms of how to engage with this guy from here out, George's advice is when you do interact with him, be friendly but not personable,

and let the conversation die early and often. In his experience, if you reduce the opportunities for him to have a problem with you guys or to fixate on your family, you're much less likely to be targeted, which is really interesting because my gut response at first was actually the total opposite. I was going to say, oh yeah, go way out of your way, make friends with this guy, wave and smile every time you pass him on the driveway, ask him for advice and how to fix one of your kids' tricycles or whatever, which is the exact wrong thing to do, apparently. So I'm just over here attracting predators and psychos to my family left and right, I guess.

But now that George told us this, I do see his point because, yeah, this guy obviously has a track record of violence, which is terrifying, although I'm really hoping that prison and rehab have helped him. I hope he doesn't pose the same threat to you guys. But you could live next to him and have nothing ever happen as long as he doesn't have any particular grievance with you. Right. And it's so interesting. The fact that they treated him so nicely when they first arrived, I know that's disturbing in retrospect, but that might actually turn out to be kind of a blessing. because now this guy sees them as friendly, right? They've been generous with him.

They're not provoking him. So unless he's truly a loose canon, I mean, like a truly unpredictable psychopath character, which I gotta say, it doesn't sound like he is just based on the facts here. I'm guessing he won't randomly turn on them for no reason. Right, this isn't, he doesn't sound completely unhinged, mentally ill kind of guy

where, you know, well... New card. What do you think? Very nice. Good covering. That's bone. And the lettering is something called Sillian Rail. We're not dealing with somebody like that.

We're dealing with somebody who sounds like they snapped in a moment of drunken anger, hopefully. Hopefully. Although, Jordan, I got to say, it's so weird to me that one of these incidents, this attempted murderer and the drunk, you know, the drunken episode involved multiple neighbors in their area on their driveway. and nobody said anything to this family when they moved in? That's a little weird, right? That is weird. I actually didn't really put that together. I thought he had just snapped at random people.

I didn't know that they were also neighbors. Well, that's not great. I mean, it complicates the picture, but it also makes me think, why aren't these neighbors looking out for this? I mean, if somebody knew moved in and there was some crazy guy who almost murdered you, wouldn't you be like,

hey, I just want to give you a heads up? Paul's a little weird. Yeah. Yeah. Why didn't they say anything? Well, that's what happened, I guess. So they just have to live with that. But also, I wonder if they could talk to some of these neighbors and ask them like, how scary is this guy now? Has he mellowed out? Do I need to worry when I'm on the driveway? How do you guys handle him? Like, get some intel and also ask them, why didn't you tell me that this guy, this convicted attempted murder guy is living next to me, but also putting that aside. Are we in any danger? I feel like these people have lived there for a while. They probably know what the deal is. Oh, Paul's fine. He, you know, just got a new wood chipper, which is a little weird, but I don't know. Although, he's pretty cute to himself a lot. It looks like he's digging a basement out, which is a little strange. But otherwise, he's fine.

Keeps him busy. Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't know. It's a bit strange. I think the key now is to be very careful not to make him feel like they're suddenly alienating him out of the blue. Because if you suddenly stop talking to him and you're like, hey, I'm putting in some hedges. And then you tell your kids to look away every time you pass him in the driveway,

you know, unless he's really dense, he's probably going to sense that. And maybe he'd take that as a provocation in some way. And I'm just imagining the worst case scenario here where the police are like, why did you target that family? Well, they were nice to me. And then they started acting real standoffish. And so that's what made me really mad. It's like the irony of them having been nice to him in the first place.

Just, I don't know. Like, oh, 40. It's nice to me. This would never have happened. You are soundboard happy today. I know. I'm losing my mind over here. It would be a shame if they undid all the goodwill they built up.

And that's like all those canopays, you know, just wasted spana copia in my opinion. As for your last question, are you putting your family's wealth above your safety? I don't know. I don't think you're quite there yet. If something ever did happen, I mean, if he threatened you or messed with your kids or, you know, you open the mailbox one day and there's a squirrel in it or something like that, right? I was about to say major squirrel and mailbox vibes in this particular letter. A little bit, right?

Except this guy seems less crazy and aggressive than that guy. Sorry, look, I'm not trying to freak this family out. I know this is scary. It's just, you know, unhinged neighbor, criminal records, substance abuse issues. My mind goes straight to squirrel in mailbox. But it's possible that these things never happen and that you live in peaceful coexistence with this guy and you figure out the right stance to take with him, and it's all good. In which case, you're not putting your wealth above your safety. You're just living your lives and you're being

smart about him, and you get to have both. You know, it's occurred to me that people might not realize I'm talking about a dead squirrel in the mailbox from a previous feedback Friday letter, because, you know, live squirrels on the mailbox, no big deal. Dead squirrel in the mailbox, less welcome addition to the house. So I agree, Gabe. Very important distinction. Yeah, kind of the key. If things ever take a turn, then I would definitely reevaluate, see if you guys need. to put your safety above this house. I just don't think we're there yet. So I hope this helps. I hope you all stay safe. Of course, you might always deal with some lingering fear, even if nothing bad ever happens. And that might be the hardest part of the situation. But then you guys need to

find a way to work through that fear, work through the anxiety, and follow Georgia's advice to feel as secure as possible. And if you do that, I'm pretty confident you guys will be okay. Also, this dude's in his 60s. He's led a hard life. I don't mean to be callous or dark here, but Who knows how long this guy's going to be around? So if this is a long-term investment, just keep that in mind to. Y'all are on the younger side. This problem just might have an expiration date. So maybe remind yourself of that when things get stressful.

And we're sending you good thoughts, wishing you a marsupial-free mailbox. Wait, Gabe, are squirrels, marsupials? I don't even know. I think technically they're rodents. Well, damn. I'm going to double down on marsupials because I like the alliteration. And I like the idea of a baby squirrel in a mom's squirrel pouch. for a little squirrelception.

Nice image, yeah. You know what'll fit great in one of your pouches, or really any orifice on your body at all, if that's what you're into? What are the fine products and services that support this show? We'll be right back.

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I mean, I personally appreciate the support, but the sponsors, they're the ones to pay the bills. All the deals, discount codes, Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. You can also search for any sponsor using the AI chatbot on the website as well. Please consider supporting those who support us. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, next up. Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I live in California, and I currently share a lease with my friend, whom I've known since high school.

But lately, he hasn't been able to pay his share. Then, recently, I got an eviction warning email while I was at work, which freaked me out. I called him and asked him if he had his share to pay, and he told me he didn't. Long story short, he told me he doesn't care and told me to F off. Now I'm stuck with an irresponsible roommate who doesn't or can't pay his share of the rent on time. I've talked to the leasing manager and explained to her what's going on. She told me they can't legally tell him to leave and that I should talk to him and have him agree that he no longer wants his name on the lease so he can move out.

How can I get this irresponsible person who doesn't want to pay rent out of my life? And is my roommate still entitled to get his deposit back? Signed, full of hate and tempting fate with this absolute dead weight. This guy sounds like a top shelf asshole. He's putting you in a really terrible position, compromising your living situation and your finances, and he's just showing zero remorse. It's a little sociopathic, kind of.

Like, who can just calmly do that to somebody? He's just a free rider taking advantage of his situation. Not cool. Really sorry this is happening to you. This type of stuff makes me want to just bust out a wrench and bash somebody's head in. And I know that sounds disgusting, but I hate people like this. You sound like the neighbor from question.

or what? I, yeah, exactly. There's one way to settle this. Yeah, this makes me want to go American Psycho on somebody. We wanted to run all of this by an expert. So he reached out to Matt McClanahan. Matt's a landlord-tenant attorney. So he really knows his stuff in this department. And Matt said that he would need to review your lease to know all the ins and outs here, of course, as one does. But he said that you might have an issue because of a legal concept known as joint and several liability, which I'm very familiar with because we have that in Michigan, and deadbeat roommates back at university were a thing. So joint and several liability, that's a rule followed in some states, including California, I believe also Michigan. It's still in place. This person lives

in California, right? So this essentially means where two or more parties can be held independently liable for the full amount of a debt, regardless of their respective degrees of fault. Or, to put it another way, an injured party, in this case your landlord, they can theoretically pursue somebody for the entirety of a judgment, even if that person were not 100% responsible for the harm caused. So basically, your roommate cannot pay and you have to pay and your landlord can sue you both. And then if he wins, your roommate will go, I don't have any money and you have to pay. That sucks. So Matt's take is you should try to have your roommate assign his interest in the residence to another more responsible person who can take over his rent payments, which

would then free him to leave and get this guy out of your life. Now, who knows if he'd go for that? He might not care and want to move out, or he might just be sitting pretty running out the clock before he has to find another place knowing you're screwed and just not caring. If he can't pay his rent now, I'm guessing he has financial problems of his own. He might just see an opportunity to get free rent for a while, which is, again, so infuriating and makes me want to line the floor with plastic bags if he catch my drift. So if he doesn't agree to this, then Matt said you have two options. Option one is you keep paying the full amount of the rent

without any help from this dude. Obviously not fair, not sustainable. Option two, you go to your landlord and you tell them, look, I'm a responsible tenant, I'm in a bad situation, I don't want to do wrong by you or cover this irresponsible roommate. So I'm asking you to do me the kindness

of ending the lease early so that I can move out. That way, your landlord doesn't have to evict you, which is costly and time-consuming, and you don't have to pay double rent and have an eviction on your record, which could be a real problem. Basically, you have to appeal to your landlord's decency and self-interest, and everyone wins. Now, there might be issues here, Gabriel, that I didn't think about, where you then can't get rid of the roommate, even though the lease is over, and then it's a squatter situation. So the landlord might be like, hey, I'm not jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire on this one.

My hope is obviously that the landlord lets you out of the lease to avoid missing rental income, dealing with this huge headache of evicting someone which can take months or even years, which unfortunately they might have to do anyway. They might just be like, fine, we'll end your lease early, find a new place, get this guy out, done, which would be a good outcome if your roommate is simply a deadbeat who plans on moving at some point and not an actual grifter. Agreed. But your landlord might still try to evict both you and this guy, which, oh, that sucks.

I'm so angry. So Matt said the big lesson here is choose a business partner or a roommate with the same discernment that you choose a spouse, because in a very real way, you will essentially be married to that person, married to their decisions, married to their standards, married to their financial situation, their ethics, all of that. And I know that hindsight is 2020. It's so easy to say that now. You knew this person in high school. You probably thought you could trust him, but it is worth acknowledging for everybody else listening right now. As for your roommate getting his deposit back, Matt said that that depends on the terms of the lease. But usually, if you don't cause any damage to

the apartment, then yes, anyone would be entitled to get the deposit back, which probably doesn't sit right, given that this guy is shafting you here. But I wonder if you can work out some kind of arrangement where he hands over his portion of the security deposit to you if slash when he moves out, least he could do, in my opinion, but that's a separate issue. Yeah, something tells me the guy who told her to screw off when she asked for his half of the rent. That guy's not going to be like, yeah, I'd be happy to hand over my half of the security deposit to make up for all the rent I 50 on. My sincere apologies. Yeah, probably not. I'm just saying it's an option. A remote possibility, yeah. I mean, this guy's just such a piece of work. He's a piece of something. Our friend here might

also be able to get the landlord to write one check for the deposit return and make that check out to her. That way, she can hang on to the money. Deadbeat roommate almost certainly is not going to sue because he's broke and he's also in the wrong anyway. So I'm really sorry this is happening to you. It sucks. It really does. It's an awful situation. but I'm holding out hope that you can find a creative solution here, and I'm wishing you really good luck. Actually, a friend of mine from law school, he, who definitely isn't me, he had a similar issue where he rented a room for the summer or rented an apartment for the summer, split it with this dude and had to cover this dude's rent one month, and then had to

cover the dude's rent another month, and they moved out, and he's like, I'm going to pay you back, and the guy just never did. So my friend hired a, let's think, of him like Mike from Breaking Bad. It was just some sort of private investigators slash thug. And that guy called the Deadbeat Tenant's mother every single day at night, not like at 4 a.m. But, you know, like 9 p.m. where it's like, what's going on? I better answer that. And said, your son owes money. He didn't pay his rent. Your son owes money. He should pay that money. And then would just, the mother would be like, who are you? Why are you calling me? Your son owes money. He should pay the money back. You don't stiff people like that. And he just would do that. And

And then eventually after, I want to say like three to five days, the mother called the son and was like, you better pay the money because someone is calling me at night. And of course, that guy called my friend and was like, what are you doing? You're harassing my mom. And he's like, do you have that money you owe me? You owe me money. And it was just like, oh, okay, I get it. I'm not going to talk my way out of this.

The guy was just kind of a piece of crap who was used to getting anything he wanted and was probably a spoiled a whole of a kid. and so having actual consequences that his mommy couldn't help him get out of, and in fact his mommy was the lever, that was enough where this guy suddenly started giving a shit. And so if you can find a lever like that, where, like, maybe you call his parents and his parents are like, what, our kids stiffed you on the rent? We didn't raise that kind of, what's wrong with you?

Or they're also garbage people, but they don't want to be woken up at 11 p.m. every night with a phone call about how their kid is a deadbeat. That could be a thing. Also, does he have an employer? Maybe his employer wants to know that he's got a deadbeat working for him. Now, you wouldn't want to make that call, but somebody could make that call on your behalf, and you might know nothing about it.

You know, that happens sometimes, too. Wow, Jordan, you are really tapping into your inner psychopath this week. Sometimes you have to handle things in a different way. And I learned that from the A team. You remember that show? If you have a problem, if no one else can help. And if you can find them, maybe you should hire the A team. And then the machine gun shoots up the logo.

That's, I'm the machine gun shooting up the logo in this episode of Feedback Friday. There's a plan in everything, kid. And I love it when a plan comes together. Nice. Anyway, you can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line. That makes our job a lot easier.

If there's something you're going through, any big decision you're wrestling with, or if you just need a new perspective on stuff, life, love work. What to do if your boyfriend stole 70 grand from you and gambled it away? I'm not laughing at that. I'm laughing at how ridiculous some of these people. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. We're here to help. We keep every email anonymous. Okay. What's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I've been dating my current boyfriend for a year and a half. He's kind, sweet, and incredibly responsible and reliable. He's someone I could see being a long-term

roommate and a good father. The only problem is certain aspects of his personality. He seems to be under the strong impression that, one, his line of work is more important and desirable than mine. Two, he is very interesting to speak to. And three, he is exceptionally well-versed in a number of small matters. For example, whenever I talk about my or other people's careers, he unironically suggests that they made the wrong choice. Or that they would eventually switch over to his line of work if they could. If I talk about a problem with my current work, he'll claim that it wouldn't be an issue, if I were pursuing his career.

And when I spoke highly of a friend's trajectory recently, he made a comment about how they, unfortunately, did not go into his line of work because they would have been more successful. I also mildly dread spending time with him and his friends. What often ends up happening is an in-depth discussion of his work. Or, if that topic isn't raised, he'll often ask about their commitments.

They'll launch into highly technical details sometimes, and these conversations tend to last over an hour. After one protracted discussion about the finer details of fluid mechanics, I made a deadpan comment describing the conversation as invigorating. He agreed, but did not sense my sarcasm. At the same time, though, he's also made comments about how many people in his line of work are dead and cannot discuss anything outside of work, which really irked me because that is exactly the type of company he is. On a side note, he also thinks he's exceptionally good at things that he really isn't. For example, he recently became mildly offended that I considered my friend's mother's cooking better than his.

Once at a family dinner, when asked about the best meals he's ever tasted, he only listed his own cooking. His skills are intermediate at best. Most of the time, I find our conversations all right because I lead them into territory I find more interesting. But when I stay silent, I find he also tends to stay silent. Should I raise this with my boyfriend? Are we ultimately incompatible?

Or am I just insecure and nitpicking at my fantastic boyfriend's slight lack of self-awareness? Signed, cruise and snooze through my boyfriend's schmooze? Or lose this dude before I blow a fuse? Oh, man, this is awkward. I'm not going to lie, Gabe, if I were dating somebody like this, it would be... It would be pretty hard for me to stick around. I know that's harsh. But I just, I don't think I could deal with this.

I don't. I don't. If my partner did this kind of thing, I'd be like, okay, not my person. I can't sit here while you bore everyone to death and then turn around and talk about how everyone else in your line of work is dead inside. It's just too unselfaware for me. Even though he's fantastic in all these other ways. I mean, kind of. Look, okay, he's kind, he's responsible, he's reliable. That honestly, that counts for a lot. I'm not dismissing any of that. But she's trying to decide if this is the person she spends the rest of her. life with, can you really listen to this guy unironically discuss the finer points of fluid mechanics for the next 65 years? I mean, shoot me, dude. Shoot me like a Chinese spy balloon. Okay. I mean, I don't disagree. This guy's, well, okay, he's not somebody I would necessarily want to hang out with for three hours. Yeah. But that doesn't mean he has to be this way, right? He could change. No, you're right. He could change, but he sounds pretty friggin' headstrong, doesn't he? Well, he says, he says, he's sounds tone deaf. I mean, after that whole fluid mechanics diatribe, when she said, wow, that was

invigorating. And he was like, yes, very invigorating indeed. Thank you. I agree. I mean, like, I'm not going to lie, that was kind of funny. I think that paints a picture of a guy who just isn't very attuned to other people, I guess, is how I'd put it. Yeah, he just doesn't speak sarcasm at all. Or he's just so self-absorbed. He can't even entertain the possibility that people might not be absolutely riveted by what he's saying. Yeah, it sounds a little bit like narcissistic. which might be kind of strong in this one. Could be all of the above. We don't know.

What we do know is that she hasn't really tried to talk to him about any of this. So worth a shot then, no pun intended. I don't, sorry, I don't know why the word keeps popping up. That one was not intentionally. Yeah, it keeps up thing. Okay, fair. Definitely. I mean, look, he's not taking a hint.

So if she wants him to change, it's going to take an explicit conversation. But also talking to your partner about something that doesn't sit very well with you, you're struggling with it, helping them see themselves more objectively. that's part of being in a relationship, right? Yeah, that is true. Okay, this conversation is kind of terrifying to me, but that is true. So my vote is bring this up with your boyfriend and just be kind about it. Maybe you say, listen, I want to share something with you, and I hope you know that I'm sharing this with you because I love you. I really see us going the distance together.

That's something you want to say. You're fantastic. You're fantastic in all of these huge ways that are super important to me. And if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want my partner to tell me this to. So look, sometimes when we hang out with other people, I notice that you get really excited about work. And I love that you're so pumped about your career. That's amazing. But sometimes the way you communicate that excitement, yeah, it can come off as a little narrow-minded, a little self-important. And I know that that's not what you intend, but that's how it comes across sometimes. And it makes me feel like you think your work is more important or more interesting than mine, and that's not a very good feeling. And then maybe you point to a few moments where this happened. Like when you brought up

your friend's good news and he said that they, what was it, unfortunately didn't go into his line of work because they would have been more successful. It's a strange thing to say. You can help him see that that comes across as kind of presumptuous, maybe like a little solipsistic, you know, and he. Okay. Wait, what is solipsychistic? What does that mean again? Like self-centered, basically. Okay. Like, I love her. You're like, it might be kind of presumptuous, It's a little solipsistic. You had to go at the SAT word, which is... It's the word.

Yeah. That's the word. That's the word for what he's being. All right, nerd. That's what it is. Fine. Okay. Brutal.

Brutal roast today. Okay. You're the one who chose the word, nerd. That's going to be a solipsistic note for me, Doug. Fair. Okay. Point is, I probably wouldn't do a post-mortem of every single situation where he's acted like kind of a dick.

But maybe you point to a couple examples and you leave it at that just so he can understand what you're talking about. No, it's a good point. Because he's a pretty. literal dude from the sound of it, right? So he's probably going to need to remember specific moments to realize that she's right. Exactly. And then maybe you say, so look, I know you're just really proud of your career and it excites you more than other people's jobs and that creates a certain impression sometimes. But as your girlfriend and as your friend, I feel like I just want to let you

know how it lands with other people. And then you can just say, does that make sense? Are you aware of this? Is that what you intend? You know, let's talk about it. If you say all of that in a loving way and he responds poorly. Well, it'll tell you a few things. It'll tell you that he really is self-important and self-absorbed. Maybe a little solipsistic, yeah? There you go. See, look at you. You're using the new word. That's a good word. It's pretentious, but it's good. Sounds like a word this woman's boyfriend we're probably using casual conversation. Oof. Okay. I might need to retire that one now. You said that, but okay. But if he responds like that, it'll tell you that this really is a big part of his personality and that he's, yeah, defensive and maybe unwilling to change. Which would make this

much more of a deal breaker. Yes. And it'll tell you that he probably doesn't communicate very easily or take feedback very well. Right. So yeah, significant. That's going to be the real problem, not taking communicate feedback and all that well at all. But if he listens to you and he goes, wow, I had no idea I was coming across that way. I don't want to be like that. I'll thank you. I'll try to work on this. That is a great sign. And then he'll probably get better. And it will also set a precedent that when something doesn't sit quite right with you guys, you can just talk about it and everything will be okay.

and your relationship will be stronger for it. That's a good point, Gabe. I was being pretty brutal in the beginning because what she's describing is so objectively annoying. But you've convinced me. Sure. She should at least give him a shot at looking at this. I was just imagining how hard this conversation would be for me to have.

And I was like, ugh, I'd rather break up with somebody than tell them why they're being absolutely insufferable. And also, if someone's insufferable, is that really somebody I want to be with? I get it. It is uncomfortable, and it's also important. What I'm still not sure about is whether she should bring up all this other stuff. Like the thing about his cooking or the fact that he's a boring conversationalist.

Sorry, I know it's kind of harsh, but that's basically what she's saying. That is the harder conversation for sure. Yeah, well, look, with the work stuff, she can go, look, honey, I love your work, you love your work, but it's coming across like this. But how do you tell your boyfriend, yo, you think you're a freaking Wolfgang Puck when you're barely chef boy R.D. and if I didn't drive our conversations, you'd either bore me to death or we'd sit in silence for the rest of our lives.

You think you're a Ferrari of a conversationalist, but at best you're a hybrid friggin Prius. That's way trickier. That's a little more, that's personal. Yeah, that's really hard. So I guess my take is, if you can connect the work stuff to this other stuff that Jordan just mentioned,

you might be able to frame it the right way. Maybe you tell him that you see something similar in other contexts. Like, when you were at your parents and you talked about the best meals you ever had, and he only talked about his own cooking, or how when you said that your friend's mom's cooking is better than his and he was kind of hurt.

Again, honey, I love that you're so proud of your accomplishments. I really am, but can you see how other people might hear that? I don't know. Honestly, I'm pitching this little script here, but yeah, this is awkward. Yeah, I'm wincing a little bit over here, just imagining how he's going to react to that and be like complete disbelief

that she doesn't love his Cheerios or whatever he cooked. Is that what he's bragging about? He's like, I made a killer bowl. cap and crunch the other day. Yeah, the milk, the milk crunch ratio is perfect. Perfect. Alana's mom ain't got shit on me. Okay. So maybe you don't mention Alana's mom and all that, but maybe that's besides the point. But the thing about only listing his own meals, I don't know why that's so funny to me. That seems like fair game, because that's literally the same quality as the my job is better than their job thing. If he can hear you about that, maybe he can apply this note across

his interactions, and he can do that on his own. I'm just imagining doing that with literally anything else in life. Like, hey, what's your favorite song? Well, the other day I was in the shower, and I just belt it out Backstreet Boys. I want it that way, and I nailed it. So my rendition of that was definitely the best song I've ever heard, or at least my top five. Hey, what's the coolest place you ever been in the world? Actually, my apartment is pretty amazing.

I go there every day. It's the best place I've ever been on her. Yeah, sometimes I just sleep there for hours. I agree. look, she doesn't need to prosecute him for every single faux pot. Just pick a couple good examples of which there are plenty and let him connect the dots. And if he keeps doing this, then she can decide whether to bring it up again. And I think that's right.

I hope that gives you a way forward here. This is the hard part about being in a relationship. It takes practice. But look, if you're right about this and he's willing to be even a little bit humble, even a little self-aware, I think you're going to be okay. And it could be a great moment in your relationship where you discover that you guys really do have the capacity for these difficult chats. And that's great. And I do think you have even more of a reason to do this because your boyfriend is great in all these other ways.

If he weren't, then my initial reaction would probably be right. You know, he's just not your guy. But who knows, he might be. So it is worth trying. I hate writing people off, even for really kind of bad stuff, medium bad stuff like this. Also, it depends on how insufferable you are. I mean, maybe it's a match. You know, maybe you're also really annoying.

I'm not getting it from the letter, but you never know. I'm not getting that from the letter, but it's a good point. Yeah, but maybe don't do this conversation over a dinner he made. I feel like that could get dicey. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, maybe you talked to him about this on a hike or something, as far away from cooking in fluid dynamics as you can get. And then if he reacts poorly, you can just ditch him in the woods.

Problem solves itself. Good luck. Done. You know who really is cooking up something great, Gabriel? the amazing sponsors who support this show. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and you found our advice valuable,

I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our sponsors to learn more and get links to all of the discounts, all the deals, all the discount codes that we have here on the show, Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals, or ask our AI chatbot for any promo code we've ever run during the show as well. Thank you so much for supporting those who support the show.

It really does keep things going, And I love creating these episodes week after week, and that's what supports that as well. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next? Hey, guys, after seven years of prep, interviews, and tests, my fiancé has been rejected from his dream career as an FBI special agent. He's crushed, to say the least. Since he can't ask them why he got rejected, he's left with a lot of uncertainty. Now we're trying to figure out where to go from here.

He has a bachelor's in forensic accounting and military background, which would normally be great, but he's also hitting his mid-40s. How does he refocus and find a new dream? Is there anything I can do to help? Signed, getting through this rough patch after losing out on the gold badge. Oh man, this is such a bummer. I'm really sorry to hear the FBI didn't work out for your fiancé. Seven years. That's a long time to chase a dream. And to be turned down after all that work, and I'm sure that that's very painful. even more painful because he can't get any feedback on why this happened, which is a little odd, that would definitely make it easier to process. But without any intel, he's just left to deal with this in the dark.

And that is really, really hard. It's like getting dumped and never knowing why. So my first thought is, your fiancé is going through a very difficult chapter right now. I love that you want to help him find a new dream. I'm sure that you can. But before you get there, you need to let him go through this. he's mourning right now, and that's painful, but it's okay to let him go through a bit of a tough time for a while. If you chase a career for seven years and you don't get it, you're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to be angry,

you're allowed to be disappointed and confused and scared, and you should. You have to go through that phase before you can go, okay, what's next? So the best thing you can do right now is to just be a safe and loving space for your fiancé. If he wants to talk, let him talk. If he wants to vent, let him vent. If he wants to freak out, let him do that too. Sometimes the only thing you need to do for your partner is be a good friend to them. Make some space to process what they're going through.

That feeling of being crushed will eventually lift. But it's only going to lift if he lets himself feel it. And if you let him let himself feel it. Then at a certain point, and it might be a month, it might be like three or six months, whatever it is. At a certain point, he's going to go, all right, I'm ready to figure out what's next. and that is when you can help him refocus and find a new dream. And I would let him lead because, of course, it's his career, but you can be a sounding board for him.

You can be a source of support and confidence. You can be a friend to him as he channels his disappointment and sadness into a new goal. Just to give you a glimpse of the bigger picture here, what's going to happen is your fiancé is going to redirect his energy into a new goal, joining another law enforcement agency, working in the private sector, going into foreign service, whatever it is, or hey, maybe getting a few more years of experience and then reapplying to the FBI if that's in the cards, if that's what he wants. We did some quick research, and that does

seem to be an option if he still meets the requirements. But whatever he chooses to do, he's going to end up somewhere really interesting. And he's going to look back at this huge loss, and he's going to go, wow, that really sucked, but that had to happen for me to get here. And as long as he worked hard and continues chasing goals that are meaningful to him, it'll all make sense in a weird way looking back because it always does. So maybe that's something you can remind him of when things get dark, that there's a larger plan here that's hard to see sometimes, but it definitely exists.

And you can hold that hope and confidence for him when he can't do it. I love that, Jordan. You're absolutely right. I would just add that the grieving process and the refocusing process, those two things might overlap, right? He doesn't need to wait nine months until he's not crushed anymore to make some new moves. once the initial wave of sadness and disappointment passes,

he can send out his resume, he can schedule interviews, he can reach out to his contacts, and he can do all of that while he's still dealing with the sting of the FBI not working out. In fact, continuing to push forward while he's working through all of this, that's a great use of these feelings. He can sort of sublimate his anger and maybe his sadness into the job search, and that's actually a great use of those feelings. Ooh, sublimate, yet another SAT word. Dude, really, that's literally the word for what it is.

Fine, Miriam Webster over here. But, okay, so sublimate. That means to, like, what, channel something? Yeah, yeah, basically. Or to, like, modify or divert a feeling into something more productive. Okay. So instead of just punching a hole in the drywall because the FBI rejected you, you take that anger and you channel it into writing a really passionate cover letter or whatever. Yes, exactly.

You sublimate the feeling or the impulse into a higher level activity. Okay. That's a good point. You can feel the feels and you can still act. I actually had to learn that one myself when I lost the old show and was, I was pretty down. I was finally like, all right, I need to put this sadness into starting my new show. I don't need to wait until I feel better to get started. I got to get started. And that's what's going to help me feel better in the first place.

Yes, exactly. Classic sublimation. Now, on a more practical level, when your fiance is ready, the best way to refocus and find a new dream is to figure out why he was so passionate about the FBI in the first place, and then find new avenues to pursue that why. So, for example, if he was really pumped to work for the FBI because he, I don't know, let's say he really wants to help keep people safe, which is what a lot of people in law enforcement say, then maybe he applies to work for another law enforcement agency, or he looks into careers in personal protection, or he works for a private company doing security and privacy or something like that. Or if he was excited to work for the FBI because

he loves working on investigations, he could apply to consulting firms that do corporate forensics, or he could join the in-house investigations department of a company, or become a private investigator, or something like that, whatever his motivations are, helping him figure out the deeper thing that drew him to the FBI and then chasing that in a new way, that is a great approach. Right, because then when he pivots to a new career, he's not giving up this goal he cared so much about. He's just changing his strategy. Exactly. And that's how you're going to do. end up in the position Jordan just talked about a moment ago where you find yourself in a role

that is very different from what you expected, but you go, oh, that's why that had to happen. Because you're still chasing what's meaningful to you. You're just chasing it in a different way. Okay, I love that approach, Gabe. So I hope that helps you support your fiancé through this chapter. I love how much you want to help him. He's really lucky to have you. If he can stay connected to that deeper why, if he puts in the work to build relationships and get in front of new people, I'm very confident that he'll end up somewhere great. And on that note, we're going to link to a few episodes about finding meaning in your work. I think those would be great episodes for you and your fiancé to listen to right now,

especially the interview that I did with Simon Sinek, where he goes deep into the whole idea of finding your why. And he's sort of famous for that. We'll link to all of those in the show notes for you. Sending you and your fiancee are best thoughts. Hang in there. You got this. All right.

Next up. Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I'm 15 years old, and I would consider myself very lucky in life. I go to a private school and I have a loving family. But lately, I've been kept up at night by a sense of dread and hopelessness about how death is inevitable. There's no escaping it. Everyone who has ever existed has died or will die. I find the idea of nothingness terrifying. I don't want to not exist. I'm an atheist, so there's no comfort in the idea of heaven or anything like that. My mind is occupied by this every second that I'm not distracted by something. I have no

previous history of being this way. How do I deal with this? Signed, a thanatophobic teen, live in the dream, but terrified of the guillotine. Okay. So this is SAT, word number three now, phonophobic. Don't know what that means. Also, isn't it guillotine? Or am I, I, I'm trying to decide where to, where to roast you right now, because there's so many options. I'm really making it easy for you today. Okay, first of all, this one wasn't me. The nataphobic, I got to give credit to the guy who wrote in. He actually came up with a sign off himself. Okay. Well done. So it's not just you who's being super pretentious today. Got it. No. I mean, maybe guillotine is pretentious. And I thought that's how you say it. Do you say guillotine? I would say guillotine, but also you're talking to

the guy who stepped in a giant puddle of camel piss and took like three days to wash it off. So don't take my word for it. The nataphobic, that was all him. Well done. And that means what now? Thanatophobia is the fear of death. Interesting. I wonder if the word the villain Thanos, does that come from that? That's gotta come from that. 100%. Okay.

I think this comes from than thanatos though, right? Who's thanatose? Now you're once again way above my pay grade slash brain power. So interesting, it's actually a really cool word. Well, this guy's obviously bright, which definitely fits with a 15 year old who can't stop thinking about his own mortality. Gabe, I feel like you probably like this in high school. No offense, obviously. None taken.

Honestly, you're correct. You seem like the sort of teenager who was sitting around thinking about the big questions, wearing a lot of black, reading Jean-Paul Chartre or whatever. Did you say Chartre? I don't know. I was trying to guess. Okay. It's trying to go guillotine. Look, I wrote a lot of poetry, if that's what you mean.

Yeah, that's exactly what I mean, actually. Bad poetry, too. That's the only kind of poetry you write in high school, as far as I know. It wasn't great. I still have my notebook somewhere. I just can't bring myself to look at them. It's too... Too cringe.

Too cringe. Way too cringe. And yeah, I definitely thought about death a lot. So, yes, I was that kid. So you want to take this one since you were that guy in high school listening to my chemical romance and writing sonnets about The Void and all that? Sure. I was more of a fallout boy guy, but yeah, I'll take this one.

So the first thing I want to say is these thoughts you're having about death, they are perfectly normal. And I'm not saying that because I did them. They are objectively perfectly normal. I promise you are not the only one thinking about this. And these thoughts do tend to kick in around 14, 15, 16. Although the fact that you think about death this much, that you feel things this intensely, that probably sets you apart from other people your age.

And it probably means that, yes, you care about the big questions more than most people. And I think that says a lot about you. The second thing I want to say, and I don't want to get too philosophical here, but death is a very rich subject because you're obviously right. there is no escaping it. And yeah, that's depressing. I can definitely appreciate why it gives you this sense of dread, of hopelessness, because it's like you already lost, right? The game is rigged. There is no hope. None of us are making it out of this thing alive. We know this. And that is a very heavy thing to come to terms with. But it also sounds like this idea of nothingness makes everything

worse. You don't want to not exist. Not existing is terrifying, I think, as you put it. And you don't believe that there's anything afterlife. So it's kind of like, yeah, this is it. This is the end. I get why that keeps you up at night. Gabe, I really think you missed your calling as a motivational speaker. I can't wait to go attack the day now, now that there's no point. So this is the shooting me down like a Chinese spy balloon part, right? Yeah, got it. Nice. I feel it. I'm grounded. Okay, but listen, there is a flip side to all of that. And the flip side is that being aware of your own more time. I'm really self-conscious now about what you just said about the life coach. Hey, go for it, man. Look, at the end of the day, we are nothing, if not completely real about how there's no point to it all, man. Play the XX album on repeat.

damn, I love that band too. Okay, this is embarrassing. I'm actually going to argue the opposite of what Jordan just said. I'm going to say that there's a flip side to this. And the flip side is that being aware of your own mortality, that makes life finite, obviously. And the fact that life is finite is what makes it valuable. The anxiety that you feel, to a certain degree, I think it's healthy and it's important. What you're feeling isn't just despair. It's the awareness that life is precious and that you have to make the most of it. Which, again, yes, okay. little depressing, but it's also significant, right? Dread and gratitude, death and meaning, those are two sides of the same coin. So I'm not going to just tell you to like only focus on one of those things, call it a day, move on. I'm just inviting you to recognize that those two sides exist and they are absolutely connected. And the point of life, in my opinion, is to be in touch with both of them. I got to say, Gabe, I'm really starting to see why you wrote all that poetry in high school. It's like, it's so deep, bro. like a ha, because I got a half.

Because like a ha ha ha. Wow, Afro-man. That's amazing. I have not heard that song in so long. So good. Well, yeah, I don't know what to say to that. I actually read a poem about death at the end of the year in my senior year in front of all my friends and family, which went over about as well as you can imagine. I bet your mom loved that.

Oh, my son's looking forward to the future. What is he going to tell us? This must be a weird car ride home. I believe the poem was called The Rope, just to paint you a picture. Oh, my God. My whole vibe back then was pretty weird, yeah. And you can just draw a straight line from that moment to Feedback Friday, just right down the middle. I mean, probably.

You've got to have some of the darkness in you to deal with it, right? You've got to flirt with the void a little bit, in my opinion. Fallout Boy is also starting to make a lot more sense now, but I'm sorry, I didn't mean to derail you. Continue. Still a great band. So anyway, look, about this nothingness concept. We could talk for hours about that. I would actually challenge the idea of this nothingness,

but we do not need to get into that. Probably half the people listening right now are just going to be like, yeah, no. No, I don't want to be there for that conversation either, if I'm honest. I'm good. I'm good, boyfriend from Q3. No, thank you. Let me steer the conversation literally anywhere else. I can already hear people switching to another podcast,

just like, too much Nietzsche, not enough dead squirrels and mailboxes. Click. So I get it. I'm not going to get too deep into this, but here's what I'll say. I hear you that you're afraid of not existing. But here's the thing, man, you do exist now. And if the idea of not existing is distressing to you, then the best thing you can do is make the most of the life you do have, which is your only real option. Because you can either spend your life agonizing over the fact that it's going to be over one day. Or you can spend your life aware of that fact and use it to fuel you and to build a life that you're excited about and to decide what really matters to

you. Definitely. I don't think it's entirely bad that he's so concerned about not existing. If he uses that thought the right way. Yes, exactly. So that would be my advice. It might seem scary, but I say go deeper into this thought about death and see what it's trying to tell you, not just how it's trying to scare you, but how it's trying to guide you a little bit and decide what you want to do with it, because that part, that part you do get to control. Well said, Gabe, I love how interested he is in this stuff, but that can be hard sometimes. But he's also onto questions that could lead him to a very meaningful life way before any of his friends get there if they get there at all. I agree. I just want to say, though, if the despair ever gets really debilitating, like if you ever start to feel suicidal or you're

struggling to stick with your goals or keep your grades up or stay close to your friends, please reach out to somebody. Your parents, a teacher you trust, a guidance counselor, a therapist, just, again, all very normal feelings to have at your age. So there is no shame in reaching out for help. I know I'm patting you on the back a lot for being a little bit dark, but being aware of your own mortality, that's different from constantly obsessing about death or dropping out of life in a way that creates a lot of anxiety and sadness

and feels very heavy. So just keep an eye on that. And if things ever do get too heavy, reach out to somebody and talk about it. And by the way, you can always email us too. We're here. We can talk more by email. We're here for you.

Yeah, amen, Gabe. you brought that up because I could see these thoughts going in a dark direction and I don't want him to spin out because you spending his lunch hour every day reading Jean-Paul Chautry like you did. For sure. Although there are worse things to read. Yeah. Like your high school poetry. But listen, as a 40-something year old guy, I want to thank you for writing in with this question because like I said, being aware of death, that is really what makes life precious. So I'm going to take that into my weekend. I hope everybody listening does the same. I'm going to go hang out with it. my wife and play with my kids now, and I'm going to enjoy it that much more because you wrote in.

And I hope you get to do the same because, like Gabe said, there are other sides of this super heavy coin. I hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everybody who wrote in and everybody who listened. Thank you so much. Don't forget to check out Neil Woods and Siddharth Kara if you haven't had a chance to do so yet. If you want to know how I managed to book all these amazing folks for the show, it's about software systems, tiny habits, mostly about tiny habits. It's our six-minute networking course. The networking course is free. It's not gross and shmoozy. It's over on the think-ifick platform, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Dig the well before you're thirsty.

You can't make up for lost time when you're building relationships. If you try to build them when you need them, you are too late. This stuff, the sooner you do it, the better. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Show notes at Jordan Harbinger.com. Transcripts in the show notes. Advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways to support the show are all at Jordan Harbinger. com slash deals.

Go try the chatbot at Jordan Harbinger.com slash AI. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on both Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me right there on LinkedIn, and you can find Gabe on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. And if you want to read some of Gabe's awful high school poetry, definitely hit him up on social. Maybe he'll post a pick of one of his super depressing notebooks.

Not going to happen. I would never inflict that on anybody, but if you ask, we'll laugh. So that's fair. This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Millie Ocampo, Josh Ballard, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Ditto George Grant and Matt McClan. If you'd like to connect with Matt, you can find him on Instagram at Country Lawyer TN. That's Country underscore Lawyer underscore TN.

Remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love. If you found the episode useful, share it with somebody else who can use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time. Gabe, I've got Afro-Man in my head, like, I was going to do the show, but then I got high. I was going to record the clothes. Then I got high. Now my producer's pissed, and I know why, well, man, yeah, hey, because I got high, because I got high, because I got high. But I You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger show with an undercover FBI agent posing as an Islamic terrorist. I live with and grew up with the religion of Islam.

After 9-11, and knowing full well that this was not the religion that was being portrayed, it kind of broke me a little bit inside. I was in law enforcement. I spoke Arabic. I'm a Muslim. And my knee-jerk reaction was to simply help working undercover. It definitely is an adrenaline rush, unlike anything I could describe, putting your arm around someone, telling them that you're their best friend, getting them to believe you. But what attracted me a great deal to this case or what blew my mind about this case was the fact that he was arguably one of the smartest, most brilliant men I've ever been in front of.

This guy was on the precipice of curing infectious diseases. The shit that he talked about in his work was science fiction to him. How could someone so smart, so brilliant, such a gift to humanity, turn into a fucking killer, an absolute disgusting piece of garbage overnight? He was the epitome of evil. So we're going up to his apartment, and it was right next to Ground Zero. And he put his arm around it and looked up to where the towers were. And he said, Tamara, this town needs another 9-11, and we're going to give it to him. I've heard him say so much horrible things for so long that you'd think at that moment in time.

I could have just accepted it and gone up and did my job, but I couldn't. I imagined killing him right there and then. I imagine stabbing him in the eye with a pen I had in my pocket and leaving him for dead. To hear more from Tomer El Nouri about what drew him to the exciting and dangerous life of undercover law enforcement work, check out episode 572 of the Jordan Harbinger show. This episode is sponsored in part by What Was That Like Podcast? If you're looking for a new show to add to your rotation, something that'll make you stop mid-dishwashing and go,

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Listen to what was that like on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or whatever app you're using right now. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know Podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like something you should know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way.

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