The Jordan Harbinger Show - 920: Would It Defeat Her to Know Husband's a Cheater? | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: November 10, 2023

Should you alert a newlywed to the fact that her husband slept in your bed after neglecting to inform you he was even married? Welcome to Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: A bit of good news to report: 30 victims of human trafficking were recently rescued by episode 833 guests Nathan Paul Southern and Lindsey Kennedy! Should you alert a newlywed to the fact that her husband slept in your bed after neglecting to inform you he was even married? Is it worth exiting your current relationship to give the BPD-afflicted ex with whom you're trauma-bonded another shot now that she claims to be getting the help she's always needed? The relationship with your current husband began as an affair. Are you in the wrong for wanting to attend his adult son's wedding, even though the (perhaps rightfully) bitter ex will be in attendance? For all of its pros, your "dream" job in space exploration is saddled with way more cons than you were expecting. You're aiming for a job that's out of this world, but should you settle for bringing your dreams back down to Earth for better work/life balance? Is it overstepping boundaries to strongly hint to your sickly but stoic co-worker's adult kids that they should cherish every moment they can spend with him while they still can? Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi and Instagram @gabrielmizrahi. Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/920  This Episode Is Brought To You By Our Fine Sponsors: jordanharbinger.com/deals  Sign up for Six-Minute Networking — our free networking and relationship development mini course — at See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the amateur rapper spitting mad bars in the sign-offs every single week. Gabriel Mizrahi, I appreciate that you have a hat on backwards today, by the way. That very much goes along. Unplanned, too. Also, this is the Ke Bonito hat, but I turned it around so you couldn't make fun of me. And I did anyway. Except you did anyway, and I probably looked just as ridiculous with it on backwards. So fair enough. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long-form conversations with a variety of amazing folks, from cold case homicide investigators, economic hitmen, gold smugglers, former jihadis,

rocket scientists, or extreme athletes. This week we had Tom Hardin, aka Tipper X. When he was young, he ended up being an FBI informant who took down, helped take down, hundreds of people for insider trading. And what I believe was the largest insider trading case in history. Imagine your personal life going through that. And then, of course, the rest of your life sort of being defined by that. Really interesting guy.

We also had Chris Miller, author of Chip War, on semiconductors and how the balance of world power rests on who controls the manufacturing of these amazing devices. On Fridays, though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, and mercilitary. Solisely roast Gabriel for getting way too into the sign-offs lately. Yeah, man. Good old MC Gabi on the ones and twos over here. Yeah, I feel like if you were in a rap battle, instead of roasting the other person, you'd just try to like appreciate their childhood and build them up.

Yeah, that's how you absolutely bury someone, right? Just extreme empathy. I mean, it would be a weird show, but I think I would watch it. Yeah, I'd watch that too. Anyway, before we jump in, I have another wild story to share with you guys. So Nathan Paul Southern and Lindsay Kennedy, they're the journalist from our cyber slavery episode. That was episode 833. On that episode, they explained how organized criminals hold thousands of people in modern-day slavery in Southeast Asia,

and they force these people to run cyber scams around the world. So when you get attacks like, Ellie, I'm at the airport waiting for you, where are you, or whatever? Often those scams are being conducted by literal slaves under the orders of human traffickers who are usually Chinese gangsters. So Nathan and Lindsay sent me a message a few weeks back, like one o'clock in the morning, asking for FBI contacts because they found out about one of these human slavery operations that was moving their slaves because they had sold them. They were moving them to a different country in a bus. And the crazy part is they found out about this because one of the targets of the scam, somebody who got a text, replied, are you being held against your will in a call center? And the scammer who turned out to be Cambodian then replied saying, yes, I am. So the target contacted Amnesty. International, who then contacted Nathan and Lindsay and the police. So this person literally did what we said to do on the podcast, which would be amazing if they found out about it from our show. Probably no way we can really find out. But then Nathan and Lindsay got in touch with the Philippines and Thai police told them that these Cambodians were being trafficked to Burma where they would

probably never be seen again, because once you go into Burma, it's a military junta. There's no rule of law, really. I mean, that's the end of it. In fact, the traffickers had already probably killed one guy after beating him to a pulp in front of everyone else, because he's tried to call the embassy for help. So Nathan and Lindsay worked their magic, found the cell phone location of the Cambodian. The location was, of course, moving because it turned out they were indeed on a bus on the highway heading to Burma. And then Lindsay and Nathan and the police from Cambodia, Thailand, and wherever else, physically chased the dot on Apple Maps, like a scene out of the born identity or whatever. So they stopped the bus and the traffickers turn and run and try to

escape and get into other cars and get away on foot. And they all got caught and they rescued over 30 hostages from this operation. Such an incredible story. When you told me this, I was like, I can't believe this actually. I also can't believe this happened because first of all, the incompetence and sort of apathy in that area about this is enormous. So I'm so glad that this happened. And anyway, this is why we taught people to engage this way. A random act of kindness or attention can literally save lives. And this is so important. Like I said, Burma's a black hole where if you're trafficked, you're screwed because the entire country is a military prison. So the fact that these lives were saved and the traffickers were arrested and hopefully will be brought

to justice because somebody took a moment to ask if the scammer was okay. I just found it very moving. It sort of lets the whole lesson sink in, right? Like, oh, this is a real thing. This happens. And it can be great. All right, we've got some fun ones. We've got some doozies. Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag? Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I'm single and a couple months ago. I went out drinking and dancing with some friends. Someone introduced me to a new guy in the group, and he became my dance partner for the night. I ended up sleeping with him just the one time.

Then, later, someone let it slip to me that this guy is married. Ooh, shoot drama. Yikes. I was horrified, since I used to be married myself, and the idea of me being the other woman sickens me. I get that. I get that. I did some internet sleuthing and found semi-recent wedding photos. She lives in a different city for job training.

He visited that city recently, so it's my impression that they are not divorced. I know some relationships are intentionally non-monogamous, but I don't believe that's the case here. I feel that this woman deserves to know what her husband is up to. I've considered confronting him and letting him know that he can tell her or I will. I could get in touch with her myself, although I'd like to remain anonymous if I do that. A part of me thinks that he's responsible for his relationship, and I should just remove myself in the situation and leave it up to fate slash karma slash God. But another bigger part of me thinks that there's a girl code and the golden rule do unto others

and all that that I need to follow. Should I mind my own business? Am I silly for wanting this woman to know? If I do tell her, how should I do it? Signed, bust this dude for his turpitude, or stay shrewd and elude a crude and skewed feud. Okay, Gabe, I see you're going to go ham again today, just going to flex on us in these sign-offs? Yeah, dude, I'm inspired. I don't know what to tell you. I'm into it. Gabe, I got to say the letters we get that are about, should I notify this total stranger about something they should know. I just,

I find these questions among the hardest to answer. I know what you mean. It's so hard to know what's appropriate in situations like this. Yeah, on the one hand, she has some very good reasons for telling this woman, hey, your husband's cheating on you. I'm really sorry. I just felt you should know, but on the other hand, she doesn't really know this guy. She doesn't know the terms of his marriage, if they're happy together, what sort of person he is in general, if he's going to, I mean. Although, I don't know, she doesn't, she doesn't get the sense that they're non-monogamous and he just got married, right? And he visited that city recently. So it sounds like this woman is completely in the dark. Yeah, that's right. So for all those reasons, and maybe this is me as a married guy speaking,

I'm leaning toward telling her, this poor woman probably has no idea her husband is out carousing with other women, sleeping with them, or at least slept with one, while she's off in another city doing her job training, enjoying her newlywed bliss and talking about how great this guy is. So she deserves to know. And like you said, there's girl code, there's the golden rule. More importantly, you could really do her a solid. She'll probably be devastated, but in the long run, it's definitely better that she knows. And if it turns out that they aren't monogamous, then she won't mind and it won't be a problem. I just think everyone here has more to gain from this information coming to light than from you keeping it a secret. The only caveat here is you have to be prepared for things to get a little

for a minute. This guy might get really mad at you. The wife might want to talk to you. Your friends might have mixed feelings about your decision, but you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't know, so in my opinion, that's their problem, not yours. You know, I might make sure from the friends that the guy's not, oh, he's got a psycho temper problem, but it's never affected us. You know, you don't want to be on the bad end of a crazy person. Right. But, you know, speaking of our friends, I'm a little surprised that none of them gave her a heads up that this guy's married. Yeah, I thought that was weird. I was wondering about that as well. So after they do the deed, one of them goes to her and says, oh, by the way, he's married. But is that one of the friends who were out that night dancing?

Unclear. I mean, if it was, that's really uncool of them. Yeah. Thanks a lot, Deborah. Information that would have been helpful before I got it in with Trevor after salsa last night. What the hell? You think it was salsa? Was it a salsa? I'm getting strong meringue vibes from this story. Salsa, meringue, friggin' 90s hip-hip, night down the clear, whatever it was. It was sweaty. I'll tell you that, and I have a very clear image in my head of this night. Then again, it could have been someone outside the friend group or somebody who wasn't there that night. But I have to think that someone in that friend group, they were friends with this guy. Yeah.

And they're friends with our friend here. So somebody that night must have known he was married. I'm kind of angry at the friends, to be honest. Where's the human slash girl code from their side of things? Like, oh, they're really grinding upon each other and he's married. Maybe mention it. Now, that's fine. Let's let this get completely off the rails.

Also, that means that all her friends might know that she slept with one of their married friends. Yeah, that she danced to them all night at the very least and went home with them. So your other option is to talk about this with your friends, too. Tell them what happened that you didn't know because they'll probably be like, wow, what a scumbag. Or they'll be like, yeah, he and his wife are cool like that. We thought you knew. And then you just have a lot more information. Also, maybe one of them can tell the wife.

Maybe they know her better. Maybe. That would keep her out of the line of fire potentially and protect her reputation. Otherwise, you could contact her anonymously, and that might work. But, you know, I think there's a decent chance the guy's going to realize it's you. Unless you create a fake Instagram profile and you're like, oh, I'm a friend of so-and-so, she's slept with your husband. I just wanted you to know. Who's going to believe that?

It's hard to pull that off. If that account has, like, two friends and one of them is you and the other is like CNN or whatever, it's going to be kind of suss. Yeah, you got to follow CNBC and Fox too just to cover your tracks. It might as well throw Newsmax into the mix. Just keep them guessing politically. You have to put in some real work to make that cover story bulletproof. Maybe more work than a mature, thoughtful adult like he really wants to do with this nonsense. But it is an option.

Otherwise, just come right out and tell her as yourself and accept the consequences. Like I said, he's probably going to know it was you anyway. Or you could have one of your friends do it, but then you'd have to convince them, unless they're just so appalled that this happened that they can't wait to tell his wife. We don't know their relationship. But then you're dragging other people into your drama, which isn't necessarily wise and fair. So I think you tell her. Other people might disagree.

I do understand the argument that it's not your place and you should leave it up to karma slash non-denominational higher power to sort it out. As long as you're not putting yourself in danger, I think this is the move. But from where I'm sitting, it is your place. Because you're a party to this whether you like it or not. He put you in a really awful position by pursuing you and lying about his situation. And now he's left you to hold this guilt and anxiety, which sucks. So telling his wife would be away.

to resolve those feelings while also giving her the information that she needs to move forward. And if it makes you feel better, you can give him a heads up that you're going to tell her, or like you said, you can give him the option to tell her himself. That makes some sense to me. Of course, he's probably going to be like, some psycho is going to call you and say we slept together. Ridiculous. But, you know, the cat's out of the bag. At the end of the day, it's your choice.

And this is his marriage. I don't think you have an obligation to insert yourself, but you do have a right to. And I'm really sorry things played out this way. What a class act this guy is. Huh? Freaking Trevor. Probably smells like a YMCA locker room and expired John Paul Gautier Cologne.

Sending you a hug and good luck. You know who you can hook up with absolutely guilt-free? The amazing sponsors who support this show. We'll be right back. Thank you for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our sponsors does keep us going. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals.

You can also use our AI chatbot to search for sponsors. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, next step. Hey, guys, I was in a serious relationship with a woman who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder while we were together. Needless to say, things got ugly very quickly, as this is a disorder that requires an incredible amount of self-work and dedication.

A year ago, I was forced to leave the relationship after witnessing her self-harm, and experiencing all sorts of verbal and physical abuse, which flared up when she drank. The highs and lows of a relationship with a borderline person are unlike anything I've ever felt before, and I became trauma-bonded with her. For the last few months, I've been dating a new girl. She recently told me she loved me when she was drunk,

and I responded by saying that I'm dealing with a lot in my past and working on myself. Ah, yes, the response every woman wants to hear when you tell me yeah i love you so here's the thing i'm a giant i got some stuff yeah the next day she said she was blacked out and didn't remember anything that's what i would say too frankly which might be true or might be based on my response love i would never say that man i had like 12 drinks last night blame it on the uh a a yeah alcohol my friend i'm just not ready to be at that point with her i told her that i told her that i told her that i

had past trauma, but I've never detailed all the things I went through with my ex. I've been in therapy for over a year and have further done EMDR therapy, which has helped with the trauma. The details of the past relationship are personal to me, but I don't know if it's unfair to leave my girlfriend in the dark. Then, recently, my ex reached out to me saying that she's sorry for who she became, that she's gotten treatment for a variety of things, including the BPD and also an eating disorder, and has done DBT and ketamine therapy infusions. I've never loved somebody the way I loved her, and I've thought about her every single day since the split.

But then again, she talked about having changed before. Do I risk going back into contact with a person who had such a drastic effect on my life? Should I believe that the changes over the last year are real? And what do I owe my current girlfriend? Should I give her more details on what happened and why I'm having a hard time being open to more commitment? Signed, looking for the coordinates of this borderline. Yeah, whatever I hear about borderline, that Madonna song comes into my head. There's a lot going on in this letter.

There sure is. Let's see if we can get to all of it. I don't even know how we even get to all of it. First of all, I am so sorry you went through all this. This relationship with your ex sounds extremely chaotic, scary, painful in a number of ways. my heart goes out to her because she's obviously struggling with a lot. My understanding is that BPD is almost always caused by trauma. But my heart goes out to you too because you experience some truly hurtful and heinous stuff. And I'm not surprised that this relationship left such a mark on you.

So honestly, best thing you did was end that relationship, both to protect yourself and to allow both of you to go off and do this very important work. She obviously needed to take care of herself. And I'm proud of you for that, especially given that you were bonded so, strongly, and you had, and apparently still have very strong feelings for her, which I want to circle back to. Now, I want to talk about your ex for a moment. She obviously had some pretty severe issues, self-harm, eating disorder, the impulse to lash out and abuse you, among other things. And yeah, the borderline personality is very volatile, very hard to be in a stable relationship with. But you know, BPD, even though people talk about it like it's the super

scary, irreversible thing, it's not. It is treatable. it is something you can recover from. It takes a lot of hard work around trauma and relationships and it takes a lot of time. And it usually takes a very strong relationship with a therapist. DBT is one of the best modalities for treating BPD. There's a lot of acronyms going on here. Sorry for that, folks.

So I'm glad your ex sought that out, but that personality can absolutely evolve. It can heal. So the stigma around BPD, it's very unfortunate. I mean, these people are already dealing with enough. So I'm very happy for your girlfriend that she went off and worked on this. And there's a world where she's a very different person now, and I sincerely hope that's the case.

But my strong advice to you is to be very thoughtful and very cautious about how you engage with her or re-engage with her. First of all, it's only been a year since you broke up. I'm not saying that a lot of growth can't happen in a year, but that's pretty damn recent history. The older you get, the more you realize a year is not that long at all, even if you're just peddled to the medal on something. it's possible that she's still in the process of doing this work of understanding herself, of changing, and you just don't know what you'd be walking back into. Second, your ex did some truly awful things to you, and you're clearly still working through all of that. Whether she's changed or not, there are some real scars here.

So I worry about what re-engaging with her is going to do to you and whether that's healthy, even if she's different now. Third, even if she has changed, let's give benefit of the doubt, that doesn't mean that she's the person for you. Even if you've never loved somebody the way you loved her, even if you have thought about her every single day since the breakup. Because having those feelings, that alone doesn't mean you should go back to that relationship. I mean, those are emotions.

They have virtually nothing to do with the quality of your relationship, if I'm honest. Could not agree more, Jordan. And the fact that he loved her so intensely and that he's thought about her every day since when she treated him the way she did, that's a very important signal. Yeah.

I was kind of muddling that around, but I didn't know what to make of it. Why do you have such strong feeling for somebody who was so chaotic and hurtful? There's something else going on here. Well, he knows that he trauma bonded with her, right? Right. Okay, wait, what is that again? What is trauma bonding again? Is it just kind of what it sounds like?

Yeah, it is. It's developing a strong attachment to someone who causes you harm. That's what I thought. So probably pretty common in abusive relationships. Very common in abusive relationships. And I think there's a lot more to it, more than I know. I think it involves, you know, becoming increasingly dependent on the other person and overlooking their flaws. It can often include

gaslighting, questioning your reality, losing your sense of self, all of that. Got it. So basically what we would define as a toxic relationship. Pretty much, yeah. Anyway, he knows that he trauma-bonded with her, so he understands how a lot of this works now. But I worry that he's going to open the door to somebody who really profoundly hurt him, somebody who is still a bit of an unknown quantity. not because there's this super loving, healthy relationship there, but because he has residual feelings from when they were both activating each other in very concerning ways.

Which is why, if I'm being honest, I'm leaning towards saying, don't go back into contact with this woman. It's a chapter in your life that's closed. Keep it that way. At a minimum, be very cautious. Be very boundaryed about it so that you can protect yourself

and pull back if you need to. But I don't know what you have to gain here. I feel bad saying that because I really do believe that people can change. But like I said, that doesn't change what she did. The damage is done. Maybe y'all just need to move on and get a fresh start. And like he said, she has said that she's changed before.

So. Yeah, I know he's going, yeah, but she apologized. She's gotten all his treatment. Maybe she wants to make this right and we can heal together and try again as different people. But man, I am very uneasy about that. Saying I'm sorry, I mean, the words aren't hard to say. She could be sorry and still be chaotic.

And even if she isn't, that still doesn't mean they won't recreate the same pattern together. Or that seeing her isn't going to reactivate these old wounds and confuse him even further. Yeah, that's a good point. I didn't even think about that. If this were me at my age now, when I was like 24, I probably wouldn't have made this choice. But if this were me, I just keep the door firmly closed. Accept her apology.

Wish her well. Acknowledge her for her tremendous work. But keep it closed. You know, I tend to agree with you. But if you feel the need to open this door, which I am also very honey, easy about. I would open it very slowly, like so slowly. I'm talking you meet for coffee in the morning, you keep it to 45 minutes or whatever. You don't start texting every second of the day. You don't start dating each other immediately. You don't carry on with her behind your current girlfriend's back.

You pay close attention to all of the signals you're getting from her. Check in with yourself a lot about whether your interactions feel healthy and feel fair. If she picks a fight with you in line at Starbucks on Hangout number two, for me, that's just run. Like, that's a run situation. Good call. Starts provoking you by text in the middle of the workday with 17 paragraph rants. Block. Yeah.

Do not think about it. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 borderline bucks. Just move on. There's no point. Gabe, I'm nervous for him already. Just imagining these scenarios. Like, why do that to yourself?

I'm like sweaty talking about this. I'm nervous. Yeah. So if you want to talk to her, yes, you are welcome to. but just, yeah. The better question for you right now is, why do you think about her so much? Why did she stir up these feelings in you? What does that say about you and your patterns? That's what I'd be trying to answer first, not whether you should start talking to her again. I feel like that's not even step one.

As for what you owe your girlfriend now, I mean, look, you're allowed to disclose as much or as little as you want about your past to a new partner. But what I can tell you is hiding your past from her and not helping her understand how, how that past is informing the way you are now, that is an obstacle to intimacy, because there are parts of you that you are not allowing her to know. So again, the question I would ask myself is, why? Why am I doing that? Is he trying to keep her at arm's length? If so, is he doing that because he's not 100% sure about her or because he's ashamed of this past relationship? Or because he's skittish about getting involved with a new person, maybe, after what he went through? Like, I can't have that again, maybe. Or is he trying to slow roll this relationship?

because suddenly his ex, who he's low-key still in love with, just popped up again and he's going, hmm, I don't know, maybe I want to give this another try. These are all possibilities. Although I sense that he's kind of a guarded guy in general, and there's something kind of precarious about telling his girlfriend, look, here's the truth. This is what I went through. Although, to be fair, he did allude to her that there was a past. I mean, she knows that something happened, but he just isn't sharing much about himself or the

details, so it's hard for her to even know. Who is this guy? What's holding him back from loving me the way I love him? These are all great questions to take into therapy. There's one more thing we need to talk about, Jordan, which is both of his girlfriends seem to have an interesting relationship with alcohol. Yes, I am glad you caught that. I perked up at that part in the letter. I mean, a lot of people drink, but like both my girlfriends drink till they get blackout drunk.

Unless the one is just lying and it's an excuse because she is embarrassed. I don't know. Okay. So look, his ex's abuse would flare up when she drank. It sounds like she had a real issue. Also very common with the BPD, by the way. But then his new girlfriend let it slip. She loves him when she was drunk.

And the next day she's like, I blacked out. I don't remember. What did we talk about? Which she might have said that just a safe face. Or she might have said it because it's true. Yeah. Which is more concerning. Either way, it sounds like she drank too much.

I don't know. We might be making a leap here, but it is a meaningful detail. Maybe his girlfriend doesn't drink a lot. And she just happened to get hammered and blurted out a sweet thing when she was kind of disinhibited. Could be completely innocent. Frankly, that happened to me. I told Jen, I loved her for the first time.

I had like three sheets to the wind. Really? Yeah, it was very romantic. No, it wasn't at all. And I remember it being like, oh, God, I didn't mean that. And she was like, really? And I'm like, no, but I did. But I'm so embarrassed. And my friends were there. And they were like, you're an idiot. So it's all about context. Big current girlfriend energy from you today. Big current. Yeah, it's in context, it mattered. In context, it is significant. Yeah. There may be a pattern here is what I'm trying to say. Not with me, but with her. You're fine. You're married. I'm fine. Yeah. If it is a pattern, what's that about, you know? whether he picks people like this or whether he tolerates it more than he should. Yes, one more thing for him to consider. So where my mind goes now is he's saying, I'm just not ready to be at that point with her. But is he not ready to be at that point because he's not opening up to her? Or is it because she's drinking and that worries him and maybe it's a little triggering to him

and he doesn't know whether to take what she says seriously at all? Or is it because this trauma he went through is very real and he has his guard up because there's a very big part of him going, I cannot end up in a situation like that again. You know, I can't be responsible or exposed to someone who's going to ruin my life. That's what he needs to get clear on, absolutely. And my gut is telling me that all of those are true to some degree. But again, a really productive conflict to bring into therapy, and I'm so glad that he's there.

Honestly, Gabe, I want to push him to give his girlfriend a little more information about what happened, why he's having such a hard time being open to more intimacy with her, even if they don't ultimately work out. they've been together for a few months. It's still early days, but it's not like date three or four. They're a couple. They're together. This is when you talk about this stuff.

I think it would be very helpful for her to know where he is emotionally, why he's hesitating, and decide if this is the guy she wants to love at all. And it would also be very helpful for him to see how she responds to this story. Whether opening up to her helps him make more sense of this old relationship and maybe brings them closer together if that's what he wants, of course. Totally fair if he doesn't or needs more time, especially if she has some issues of her own, like the drinking, which may or may not be a thing. But it's interesting. His main question was, should I talk to my ex again? And like so many letters we

receive, I think that's kind of the wrong question. The right question is, why does this person still have such a hold over me? What does wanting to talk to her again reveal about me right now? If you answer those questions first, I think the answer to all these other questions are going to become a lot clearer. But they're all fair questions and good questions. And I got to say, I love that you're being thoughtful about this, reaching out for advice, taking your time. I think that's really smart. But while you do that, I would strongly consider staying away from your ex, period. You both still have work to do. I just don't know what you have to gain by going back into that relationship, even if it's a friendship. And that's compatible with her growing and getting better. But just because

she's gotten better, it does not mean that she is your person. Keep that in mind, too. I would also check out episode 877. It was question one on that feedback Friday, where we share. thoughts with a guy who's married to a woman with BPD. That should give you some more insight into these relationships and or remind you why you parted ways with your ex in the first place. We'll link to that in the show notes as well, 877. Sending you good thoughts and wishing you all the best. By the way, it's a good time to mention that if you just go to Jordan Harbinger.com slash any episode number, like 877, it'll take you to the episode page for that. So if you listen off the website or you want to look at the show notes for any episode, just type in the number right after Jordan Harbinger.com and that little

slash. All right, you can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job easier. If you're finding dead squirrels in your mailbox, your abusive dad is hunting you down, or your best friend is spiraling out in a Coke-fueled frenzy, whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday atjordanharbanger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Okay, what's next? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I am in one of those interesting relationships that began as an affair and is now almost in its fifth year. Wow.

We both worked at the same company, and we're both in therapy figuring out how to leave our spouses when we became romantically involved. We actually discovered how much we shared while discussing the Isaiah Henkel episode of your show. Random episode from a long time ago. Wonderful. The Jordan Harbinger Show, facilitating adultery since 2018. Yeah, and shout out to Dr. Hinkle for helping you smash in the office. I think he'd appreciate hearing that from us. Nice.

Man, Jordan, this could be the couple from question one if they start listening to the show together and share notes. I suppose that's true. I do doubt it. I'm guessing these are two decent people with obviously great taste in podcasts. Trevor, though, and our friend from question one, that's a one-off shit show. But let's see what this goes. I was married for eight years without children, and the divorce was relatively amicable. He's been married to a woman for 25 years, has three adult children, and has been in divorce proceedings for three prolonged years. partly because his ex wants to continue getting the significant money he pays her, which he does out of guilt, and partly because she got breast cancer and he delayed filing for divorce. He left when the youngest child turned 18,

and he realized that the chasm between him and his wife was just too great. They're different in every conceivable way. Interests, tastes, activity, professional drive. She has since taken to drinking, adopted three dogs, and told everyone that she has hell-belled. on taking every dime my partner has. I have a great relationship with their youngest child, his only biological child with her,

and his middle child. The oldest refuses to meet me or speak to him. My partner and I also moved in with his amazing mother who had cancer and took care of her until she passed away. I've become very close with his entire family, and they are a very fulfilling part of our lives. Meanwhile, his ex didn't attend the memorial service

because she, quote, could not bear to see me where she should be standing. Okay, we get it. You win the best possible other woman award, noted. I'm playing, you do sound great. You guys really love each other. You're a good person and his ex sucks. I take your point. We get it.

His son is marrying his fiance next year, and the wedding will be the first time that his ex sees me in person. The kids want me to attend, but they're also concerned about her mental state and said that they wish she were less hostile toward my partner. Neither my partner nor his son thinks she will cause an outburst unless she drinks a lot, although she does struggle to emotionally regulate, so I thought I would attend and just be as low-key as possible. We don't feel like it's my responsibility to manage her emotions.

Am I in the wrong for wanting to attend the wedding of two great 20-somethings I care for and love dearly? Or should I suck it up and not attend so she can be part of her son's big day without the pain that my presence will cause? signed, try not to be the aggressor with my predecessor, who feels lesser because I was the transgressor. Ooh, yeah, I don't know. Can you rhyme aggressor with transgressor? I mean, you did. But can you? Is that fair? You're going to nipick my sign off right now? I probably shouldn't do that. It's not like Kanye who rhymes like shoes with shoes and you just go, dude, that doesn't rhyme. It's the same word. Dude, we're living in a world where T-Pain rhymed the word mansion with Wisconsin. Like, that's the bar. This woman, she sounds like a very difficult personality.

You've really painted a picture of a troubled, honestly pretty petty person who's making things a lot harder than they need to be. But to be fair to her, she's probably deeply hurt by the fact that her husband cheated on her slash you stole him away. Although, weren't they in therapy for figuring out how to separate before? So it's not you, really. I don't know if they were in therapy together, but I think the husband was in therapy trying to figure out if he should leave her.

Right, right. But that's the thing. It wasn't like, oh, I met this other woman. I'm going to leave you for. It's like, I can't stay married to you. And, oh, look, I met somebody else after I'd already made the decision. That's not her fault. He had his own reasons for leaving before he met her.

That's right. Plus, she got cancer in the middle of that, so that sucks. The drinking, the surrounding herself with dogs, the vindictiveness, those are probably the only ways she knows to cope with the pain and even the scales, if you will, which is obviously super sad, but it does make some sense. But then to be fair to him and to you, you guys are clearly a much better match. you share similar interests, similar values, and again, you both obviously have excellent taste in podcasts. You're welcome.

The way you got together was a little bit messy, I suppose, but I'm guessing that was because you were really drawn to each other and you did right by leaving your spouses. And anyway, here you are. You're part of the family now, and it's all great except for this ex who won't let it go. So to be very direct here, no, I don't feel like you're in the wrong for wanting to attend the wedding. You have a great relationship with the child and his fiance. You care about them.

invited you, you're basically their stepmom, you have a right to be there. It would be different if dad was like, you gotta bring my girlfriend. It's like, no, we don't want her there. That would be totally different. This is everybody but kooky X. It just doesn't sit well with the partner's X. If that's going to ruin the whole wedding for her, that is definitely just her problem. Hopefully stays that way during the wedding. Depends on what she drinks, but hopefully just her problem. You said it best. It's not your responsibility to manage her emotions or her issues with alcohol that she clearly has if she can't regulate those emotions. And I say that fully empathizing with how difficult it must be for her to watch her ex and his new partner. And you should be thoughtful

about that too. This woman is obviously hurting. But at some point, it's like, I'm sorry it played out this way, Nancy, but this is what's happening. He didn't want to be married to you anymore. It's not because of me. It's actually because you guys weren't a good fit. And spiraling out, self-medicating, not going to his mother's funeral because you can't bear to see you where she should be standing. It's just so petty and rigid and limited. It's understandable, but it's, man, it's so immature, really. It's some high school sounding crap right here. And it's time to process this divorce and accept your husband's wishes

and start building a new life that isn't just about trying to get him back or get back at him. That's right. That's what I would say if she were the one writing in. I know we're assuming a lot about this woman's capacity for growth and forgiveness, but it's been three years. Right. Three tough years, no closure, divorce still going on because of this stuff. But it is time.

At least start the process of moving on and stop externalizing the blame for everything that's gone wrong in your life. So yes, Nancy might be very injured by your presence at the wedding. But given that you and your partner are in a meaningful and legitimate relationship now and the rest of the family wants you there, I absolutely do not think that should keep you away. If you were only dating for six months and the divorce was still fresh and the kids didn't know you well, I'd be like, sit this one out, stay home.

Not appropriate for him to bring his side piece or whatever to the daughter's wedding. But you guys are in a very different place now. The larger theme here is you can't cramp around other people's feelings forever. It's just not realistic and it's not fair because this woman isn't just expecting you to spare her. She's also denying her child the joy of having you at his wedding. Yeah, that's pretty self-centered in my opinion. Plus, it's his wedding. It's his choice.

Yeah, totally. But, you know, that probably hurts her in a whole other way, just to know that her child likes our friend here and actually wants her there. Yeah, of course. But that's just one more sign that she needs to work through these feelings and come to terms with the reality of her situation. Right. I know how hard that must be for her, but it's time. But again, her journey, not yours. So go. Enjoy the wedding.

Try not to look too good, if you know what I mean. If you run into Nancy at the bar, be kind to her, be gracious, which I'm sure you will. Avoid any unnecessary drama. She's probably going to try and spill wine on you. You're there to celebrate your stepson and his wife and enjoy that day with your partner. And I'm sorry there's going to be a ghost at the feast. But, you know, she's really just haunting herself. Well said.

If your partner could plug the Jordan Harbinger show in his wedding toast, that would be great. It's the least you can do, really, seeing as he wouldn't be standing there with you, if it weren't for yours truly. So good luck and have fun. You know who won't take you for every dime you have, Gabriel? The amazing sponsors who support this show. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and you found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support our amazing sponsors. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are on the website at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals.

The AI chatbot will tell you as well. You can email me. I'll dig up codes for you. I don't love it, but I'll do it. It's that important. So thank you for supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. All right, what's next?

Hey, Jordan and Gabe. I work as an engineer on a space exploration related project, which has always been my dream. My boss is great, and the pay is above average. The program is also historic. It aims to put the first woman and the first person of color on the moon by 2028. I'm thrilled to be part of this history in the making. Wow, that is very cool. So this job is meaningful to you.

I get it. It's exciting to be part of something like this. The problem is the program team is understaffed. The schedule is impossible, and my workload is outrageous. We have a fraction of the staff that we requested were way over budget, and management has responded by beating us up over the schedule, which just adds meetings to our overloaded 12-hour days. I'm trying to retain some work-life balance,

but I'm constantly putting out fires, so I'm not in control of my day. I also manage way more subcontractors than everyone else. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I also feel like I'm not appreciated. The chief engineer complained about my team in the middle of the open office, blaming us for delays that were largely out of our control. Meanwhile, my fourth patent was just awarded. There was no announcement, no party, no fanfare,

just an email from the automated system. Oh, yuck. That sounds extremely intense and stressful, and I'm sorry they're not trading you guys better. That's a real bummer. The patent thing is especially frustrating. Getting a patent is a huge accomplishment. Companies should be celebrating employees who achieve something like this.

Well, okay, let's take a moment to celebrate. you. Congratulations. You earned a patent on something that you helped invent. That is awesome. That is really cool. Most people will never do that. Well done. I talked to my boss's boss and he told me everything I wanted to hear. He'll get me an office for some much needed privacy given the nature of my work. He'll give me a promotion. He'll hire more people. My boss said not to expect anything, that his boss hasn't hired more people despite promising to every two years. Given the vibe in the office, there may be a mass exodus soon. My mentor in another division was alarmed that I'm so miserable, and he assured me that this program is not typical within our company. He said that I

could work for him with a lot less stress. While tempting, it wouldn't be in space exploration, which has always been my passion. I could also move to another company in this field. The Associate Director of Engineering recently went to our major competitor and says he's much happier, but I would lose the 10 years of seniority and all the contacts I have within this company. I'm almost 50 years old and loathe the thought of starting over again. I've tried drawing boundaries, talking to management, and working less. Is it time to jump ship? Or should I learn to live with the stress? I'm aiming for a job that's out of this world. But should I bring my dreams back down to earth? Signed hanging on to my dream job when I'm stuck in a real slog. Hmm, interesting problem. So if we had to boil this down,

the bind you're in is, do I keep doing work that's super meaningful to me but is making me miserable, or do I jump ship to do work that's less meaningful to me but end up happier? That is a tough one because either way you're going to have to give something up, either your sense of purpose or your lifestyle and sanity, which sucks. And I wish your company were better managed that talented people like you didn't have to make that trade off. But it sounds like you've talked to them, multiple people have talked to them. You've tried all the traditional strategies for managing this crazy culture and they haven't worked. If your boss is right, then things aren't going to change soon.

So if things continue this way, I do think that you're going to have to decide which of these is more important, working on your dream project or having a balanced, healthy life. Only you can really answer that. It comes down to your goals, your needs, your values. Also, you can decide that you'll put up with this for another six months a year and reevaluate. Sometimes giving yourself a time frame helps so you don't feel stuck, give yourself the keys to the prison, so to speak. But I understand that you might want to stay there until 2028, when you can see these historic goals come to fruition if you finish on time. But that's a full half decade away.

It's not exactly right around the corner. And that's if everything goes smoothly until then, which it doesn't sound like is happening. So that's another interesting question to ask yourself, whether you need to stay all the way through to feel connected to this meaningful mission. Maybe playing a role in it for a period of time is enough. And you can jump ship and look back at this chapter fondly. So I think you need to sit with this question, purpose versus sand. talk to some trusted people about it, reflect on what you want, and see what answers come up.

I agree, and I hate that this company is making her choose when they could just be better managers, but such as life, I guess. Look, you mentioned a few other concerns we need to touch on, namely that if you left, you would lose the 10 years of seniority, your contacts in this company, and then you said, I'm almost 50 years old, I don't want to start over again. Those are all legitimate fears. I totally get them, but I also think that those are worth digging into some more. What I would want to know is, what does losing 10 years of seniority really mean?

Does it actually mean that you would have to start at a lower level somewhere else? Or does it just mean losing the status you currently have in your office, which you can absolutely recreate in your next job, by the way, and maybe even climb higher? And when you talk about losing your contacts in this company, what does that mean? Are you saying that you would have to rebuild your network in a new office, which is, again, totally doable and might actually be fun? Or are you worried about actually burning bridges? I'm not sure that you would really lose your contacts if you transitioned to another role.

You can maintain those relationships and who knows, maybe they'll even get better in a certain way. But the thought that I'm most interested in is this fear of starting over at 50. And this one I understand the most. What I'm hearing from you is that a really big part of you wants stability and predictability alongside your purpose. And that is fair. But I worry that this thought, I can't start over at 50, is playing an outsized role in this decision. you might be getting to a point where the best move is to jump ship, and there could be an incredible role waiting for you somewhere,

a much better lifestyle, and maybe a different sense of purpose. And I worry a little bit that you might be cutting yourself off from that because you think that it is too late to make a change. Now, I'm not saying that it's easy to make a change later in your career or that you're wrong to want stability, but I am saying that if there's a great move to be made here, it might be harder when you're thinking the thought, I'm too old for this.

So I'm just encouraging you to explore, that thought and to see if it's really true that being 50 should stop you from starting a whole new exciting chapter. Right. She said she loathes the idea of starting over again. That's a strong word. Maybe she has some good reasons for that, but maybe the loathing is also a signal that she's overly attached to her situation and it's keeping her miserable. Yeah, exactly. There's another angle on all of these thoughts, which is, I'm almost 50, I have seniority, I've seen a ton, I know a lot of people in this industry. I have a lot to offer. So why not? not explore another team. For sure. And also, making a big transition at 50, it might shake her up

in a really fun way. And it might totally rewrite the idea that it's hard to make a move at 50, that what she really wants is for things to stay the same. Again, not telling you what to feel. It's all legit. But I think what Gabe's getting at is sometimes these concepts can get in a way of a great thing if they hold you back from even considering it. And that is especially true in her case, because she has a lot of data that this company is going to continue to be a mess. and she has so much to offer another team. I mean, her mentor is actively recruiting her. This associate director jumped ship and seems to be having a good experience.

So there are some very cool options here. She just needs to resolve the purpose piece. I also find myself wanting to tell her that the whole idea of starting over, in a way it's real, in another way it's really not. It's real in the sense that, yes, you'd be starting on a new team, forming new relationships, learning a new product or whatever. But it's not real in the sense that you don't just wipe the slate clean

and lose everything you did before. for you still have your accomplishments, you still have your knowledge base, you still have relationships. I know you said you'd lose all your contacts. That is almost certainly not the case. And you're going to put all those resources to great use in your new role. When I started the new show, the one you're listening to now, five years ago or whatever it's been, almost six now, that fear was really big for me. Like, I lost everything. I'm starting from scratch. I got to recline the same mountain just to get back to where I was before. It's going to take forever. But I wasn't really starting over. I had all these great.

I just needed to put them to work. I thought it would take years to find my footing. I thought it was going to take forever. It took months. I worked my butt off. It was intense. It was scary. Don't get me wrong. I had some sleepless nights. But that belief that I was starting over, it turned out to be essentially a fiction. It's just something else to consider while you contemplate this move. Your other option is to go back to your boss's boss and say, look, I know this isn't fun to here, but our program is a mess and everybody is miserable. And if you don't find a way to make this ship run better, I think there's going to be a mass exodus. And if I were the boss, I would want to know now. There's a chance that that'll freak management out enough to make some big changes.

And maybe that'll make your life easier. So worth a shot. And if you're going to leave anyway at some point, you don't have a ton to lose there. Good point. She might even come across as a real team player if she delivers that news in the right way. But if they don't listen and make some changes, then yeah, I think it's time to look at your options. So the best advice we can offer, is to stay open to all the possibilities and investigate all of your beliefs around this transition because that's how you're going to arrive

at the best decision for you. And you sound like an amazing employee, I know there are great things ahead no matter what you choose. So good luck. Okay, next up. Hey guys, my long-term coworker is dying from cancer and his doctor is giving him

only a few weeks to live. He's an older guy in his 70s. He's had back-to-back cancers and he's just getting over pneumonia and COVID, which means he can't do chemo right now because they can't get his numbers up. The thing is, he hasn't told his kids the extent of his condition. He's from the older generation, and so he likes to be stoic and not show any weakness. They think he's fighting cancer, but I heard him say that he feels like giving up tomorrow.

I'm now thinking of going to his son and suggesting that he spent time with his dad. I could say something like, I've known him for 15 years, and I know he doesn't open up or share weakness. something in my gut says that he doesn't tell y'all everything. I've seen too many cases where parents like to stay strong and pretend like nothing's happening. I call my wife and asked her thoughts and she's saying, stand down, it's not my business, it's his decision, and I should honor that. I completely understand, but I'm also thinking about this from his kids' perspective. I'm sure I would kill to have someone tell me something like this.

Am I sticking my nose where it doesn't belong? Signed orchestrating this goodbye without trying to be. a pry or going awry. Wow, yeah, this is a real conundrum. So I'm thinking about question one again, obviously. Similar situation. How much do you meddle in other people's lives when you have information they should know? But, you know, my gut reaction is, I'm feeling like that woman had more license to break the news than this guy in this letter does. Because she was actually involved, you mean? Yeah, I mean, she slept with the guy, so she was partied of the situation and she felt super guilty. But our friend here is just a colleague, and this guy's cancer diagnosis really has

nothing to do with him directly. That's a fair point, but he feels it has something to do with him because he's known this guy for 15 years and he's watching these kids miss a chance to be with their dad in the last three weeks potentially of his life. But that's a little bit of a leap, isn't it? I mean, it doesn't sound like he's super tight with these people. He just works with the dad. It sounds like he's going out of his way a little bit to be involved. Our friend here is definitely right. This guy is almost certainly doing his kids a huge disservice by not being open with them about his treatment. He's lying to them and if slash when he dies, it doesn't sound good. He's robbing them of precious time with him for some reason that I think is frankly probably pretty stupid. Like, I don't want to deal with the

emotions. It's just, it's horrible. Yeah, you're right. It's really sad. But then is it our friend's business to make that right somehow. He also doesn't know what kind of relationship this guy has with the kids, whether he has a reason for withholding this information from them. Yeah, that's where my mind is going in. And he doesn't know how the news is going to land with the family. There's a lot of factors here. So I guess the question is, is giving this guy and his kids a chance to spend precious time together before he dies? Is that more important than pissing him off and violating his privacy? And that's hard. Part of me is like, definitely, who cares if he's upset? They deserve a chance to see him. It's their dad or, you know, convince him to pursue treatment or whatever they want to do

with the information. But then a part of you is going, it's his life. You've got to stay out of it. Yeah, honestly, I'm kind of split here. Okay, so let's look at this from another angle. Why is our friend here so invested? He said that he would kill to have someone tell him something like this if he were in these kids' shoes, which I completely understand. But I do wonder if he's maybe finding parts of himself in these kids, locating himself in them. Is it possible that he's projecting his own paternal qualities or feelings onto this guy? And that's affecting his decision? Right. Look, that's a fair assumption. But he doesn't know for sure that they'd be happy. I mean, all things considered, you'd probably want to know if your dad literally has weeks to live,

but you never know what's going on with people, man. He also said that he's seen too many cases where parents like to stay strong. and pretend nothing's happening. I don't know if that's actually true, if that's just something he thought he would say to frame the news, but either way, it sounds like this coworker being so stoic,

this is really hard for him to watch. So what you're getting at is, is there something in our friend here that's responding especially strongly to that decision? Yeah, we obviously don't know what our friend's relationship with his family is like,

but I wonder if that's informing this desire to intervene. I see. Like his dad or someone else in his family, stoic and avoidant, and this is just activating him in some unique way? It could be, yeah, that's an interesting possibility, for example. Yeah, maybe it's a way to work something out with or through another family.

I don't know. Could be, yeah. It's an interesting theory. Or his dad is the complete opposite of this older guy at work. So it pisses him off to see somebody keep their children in the dark in such a big way. Either way, I do think that's worth exploring because I think his motivation for doing this does matter. I do agree with that. But you know what?

I think there's an important step here before he contacts the kids. And I think he should start by talking to his coworker directly. Ask him about his treatment. Ask him how he's feeling. I know he's a tough nut to crack, but I would try to get him to acknowledge what a big deal this is, put himself in his children's shoes, realize maybe that he's robbing them of the chance to really soak up their relationship while he's still around. He can never undo this mistake. He might be very guarded or stubborn, but hearing it from you, who knows?

He might also cave and tell his kids and then tearfully thank you later. I don't know. Or he might give you a damn good reason why he isn't saying anything to them, and then you'll know. Who knows? Maybe they're greedy little shits who keep bugging him about his will and where he's leaving his money. And he wants to live his last few weeks of life and peace without people calling him and asking him for crap. Again, you just never know what families are like. But time's a waste and so I'd talk to him ASAP and make your decision from there, ideally with his help and his blessing. You might be the friend and guide he needs right now, but I'd really let him drive, if possible.

Sad story. Poor guy, poor family. I hope he gives his family the connection they deserve. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone who wrote in this week and everybody who listened. Thank you so much. Go back and check out Tom Hardin, aka Tipper X, and Chris Miller with the Chip War, if you haven't yet.

The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network. It's the circle of people I know like and trust. I'm teaching you how to build the same thing for yourself in our six-minute networking course. That course is free. It's not gross. It's not schmoozy.

You can find it on the think-ific platform at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Dig that well before you get thirsty, folks. Build those relationships before you need them in ways that don't make you look like an a-hole, Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. And if you haven't signed up yet,

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You can sign up at Jordanharbinger.com slash news. Show notes and transcripts, always at Jordan Harbinger.com. Advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways to support the show also on the website at Jordanharbinger. dot com slash deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on

LinkedIn. Gabe's on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Millio Campo, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own and I'm a lawyer but not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we've rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today.

In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger show with the son of a Hamas co-founder who ended up working undercover for Israeli intelligence against his former friends and family to thwart terrorist plots and save lives.

Hamas is an Islamic movement. My father is one of the founders. members of Hamas. Hamas for us was everything, to the point where it became an army. It's a monster. I agreed to work with Israel, with a hidden agenda, to be a double agent. The level of pressure that I had to go through, my heart stopped for approximately 30 seconds. Most of the human beings cannot make it back. I was tortured mentally and physically. everybody in the city knew that I'm a dead man. For more with Masaab Hassan Yusuf,

including what happened when his family found out he worked undercover, check out episode 407 on the Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way.

Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not. The through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life.

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