The Jordan Harbinger Show - 931: Trust is Twisted by Thirsty Therapist Resisted | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: December 8, 2023

You distanced yourself from a randy shrink after his attempt at a psychia-tryst. How do you ensure he's not harming others? Welcome to Feedback Friday! And in case you didn't already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let's dive in! On This Week's Feedback Friday, We Discuss: You distanced yourself from a randy shrink after his attempt at a romantic psychia-tryst. Now how do you ensure sure he's not similarly betraying the trust of others? [Thanks to clinical psychologist Dr. Erin Margolis for helping us with this one!] Is it worth it to try to convince your half-batty, Zionist mother in Israel to come back to the States when she firmly doesn't want to — especially when you both would be somewhat miserable with each other? Your girlfriend still lives with her emotionally abusive ex and their eight-year-old child, and she refuses your offer of financial assistance that would allow her to remove herself from this situation. Should you even be considering this a relationship? Should you continue discouraging your artist boyfriend from getting involved with NFT promoters who want to "help" him sell his work? This blockchain thing's all a scam, right? You're a teenager who's hardly hanging on after the loss of your father to alcoholism. You're a diagnosed autist floating between numbness and sheer sadness, but you don't trust therapy and there's no relief in sight. What can you do? A reminder from our very own audio engineer Jason Sanderson, who recently suffered the loss of his own father: Reach out to the ones you love today! It could be an email, a letter, a text message, a phone call — whatever form of communication you choose, take a moment to tell the people you care about what they mean to you!   Have any questions, comments, or stories you'd like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter at @GabeMizrahi and Instagram @gabrielmizrahi. Full show notes and resources can be found here: jordanharbinger.com/931  This Episode Is Brought To You By Our Fine Sponsors: See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer MC Gabi on the On the Ones-Gabryo Mizrahi. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills are the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long-form conversations with a variety of just incredible people, from undercover agents and former jihadis to rocket scientists and comedians, even experience. stream athletes here and there. This week, we interviewed Dr. David Eagleman. He's been on the show a bunch of times. A friend of mine, awesome, amazing guy. We talked about why time slows down in terms of our perception of time, when crazy things happen, how we might end up with new senses or new limbs, synesthesia, why blind people have better musical skills. By the way, synesthesia is when people can like taste purple. If you've ever been on a crazy psychedelic trip, you might have experienced a little bit of this. Also this week, Morgan Housel, financial journalist, talking about risk, disaster planning, and the right way to think about the future. We actually didn't

talk about finances. We also covered quirky billionaire personalities, a super fun conversation. So don't be thrown by the financial journalist thing. It's not about finance. It's actually just about thinking. And he's a good thinker. On Fridays, though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, and cosplay as the Lidias we really don't want to be. That we constantly shame on the show, but frankly, who y'all need. And we low-key love being your Lidias. Not going to lie. By the way, before we dive in, the documentary The Mole, that's the one about Ulrich Larson, the Danish guy who posed as an arms dealer and exposed how North Korea buys illegal weapons. And then, of course, we recently had Mr. James on, Jim LaTresh, talking about his French Foreign Legion

and undercover North Korea arms dealing. Also in The mole, it's an amazing story. The documentary is absolutely incredible, and it's available nowhere in America, and people kept asking me where to see it well. Somebody put it up on YouTube, and I don't think it's like a hacked cam, crap version. and it's now linked on our Jordan Harbinger.com slash movies page and in the show notes for this episode. It's a great watch if you guys are interested in the underworld of rogue regimes, buying illegal firearms, among other things, not just firearms. I mean, missiles and chemical weapons.

Just a truly wild story all in. As always, we've got some fun ones and some doozies, and I can't wait to Lydia it up. So, Gabe, what is the first nightmare out of the nightmare bag? Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a woman in my 30s, And my psychiatrist attempted to start a sexual relationship with me. Okay. Wow. Does that qualify? Yeah.

So I already know where this one's going, but I'm angry all over again. I can't believe that there are mental health providers out there who do this. It's just not okay. No, it's not. Carry on. At first, I thought I was imagining things. So I didn't shut it down early enough. I have a history of people pleasing and relationships with older men in positions of power over me,

which he knew about. He even asked me how a guy two decades older seduced me at 17 years old, then attempted to use those same exact tactics with me. I have very explicit, very graphic emails from him. Whatever you're thinking, it was worse. He's clearly having a late in life crisis looking at retirement and, according to him, a sexless marriage. Just to be clear, nothing bad actually happened. He just really wanted something to. I worked really hard in therapy to break those old patterns.

and now have a great marriage with two kids under five. I know ethically that he's responsible for this, but I'm pretty upset by the reoccurrence of something that I thought I would have been able to handle better at this point in my life. By the way, this unfortunately reminds me of that part of the hangover where Ed Helm's wife, she's like, she cheated on me with a bartender on a cruise,

and then later Zach Gallifanakis approaches the now ex-wife, and is like, I'm thinking about going to bartending school. It's like that clumsy of a thing with this therapist, right? He's like, so tell me what this man did to seduce you when you were 17. She's like, oh, he said he had a fast car and I liked fast cars. And he's like, that's funny. I just bought myself a G500. Yeah, it's like, what?

Dude, how clunky are you going to be with this? I mean, I'm glad he was pathetic and had no game and this didn't go anywhere. But, man, it makes me sad that you feel like this is somehow your fault. You should never have been in this position in the first place. And it is deeply uncomfortable to handle. But I hear you that this echoed some old stuff in your life and you feel like you should have known how to shut it down. I'm just flagging that because I think it's an interesting aspect of this situation. It's so reflexive for some people to just blame themselves and think,

what should I have done differently when this other person is just so clearly a piece of shit. I did restart therapy to look into all the old issues this brought up for me, but my therapist has been very careful to take my feelings and my past into account and is not pushing me to do anything I don't want to do. So just to be clear, when she says my therapist, she's not talking about the psychiatrist who tried to get into her pants in the first place. This is a new therapist. Correct. Yes. Just for those following along at home. That's right. Psychiatrist, creep. Therapist, non-creep. So far. So far. Yeah. She goes on. The thing is, I don't want to deal with everything that goes into reporting him. I don't have the physical or mental energy. 50% of me says that

he'll retire soon, so it's not even worth it. The other 50% says, says that this will most likely happen again, since he seems so careless and desperate. I hate to say it, but I think you're probably right. The chances that this guy only did this to you and no one else and will never do it again to anyone else, even after he retires, come on, he's going to church and being like, oh, you know, let me counsel some of the flock. I just think it's slim to think that a predator is going to stop predating when they retire. That's not how it works. So do I have a moral obligation to report this guy? Or can I just,

Just move on. If I don't report him, am I allowing these things to keep happening by brushing them under the rug and becoming part of the problem? Signed, still in shock, but not really wanting to talk about this pervy old doc. Fuff. Well, this definitely lives up to the dozy standard, Gabe. It's like, my doctor, the guy who's staying on top of my Ativan prescription or whatever, a doctor who's supposed to be taken care of me, used my past against me and tried to seduce me. It's so patently predatory and inappropriate. Patently predatory, deeply gross.

I mean, this is a clear-cut violation of his professional duty. You know, if you're a lawyer and you do this, you are screwed. If you do this when you're a therapist, you're doubly screwed and it's even more gross. It's like a divorce lawyer trying to get with the divorce. It's just so gross. I'm very sorry this happened to you. I understand why it's brought up a lot of complicated feelings, all these big questions. We wanted to run this blind expert, so we reached out to Dr. Aaron Margolis, clinical psychologist,

and friend of the show, and I can confidently say, therapist who's never tried to seduce any of her patients. Can confirm. I'm also known to the people who know me the best as the fucking doctor. And Dr. Margolis had the same reaction we did, although I got to say her reaction was even more intense, probably because it besmirches her profession. As she put it to us,

it makes my skin crawl and my blood boil when I hear stories like this. It gives a bad name to mental health providers, and for some people, it makes them feel like all mental health providers are predatory or weird or dangerous. It can prevent people from getting treatment and it can cause significant harm. I had not thought of that, but that's true. Sums it up perfectly, I think.

Now, Dr. Margolis isn't familiar with the Code of Ethics for Psychiatrists, but she did say that for psychologists, a surefire way to lose your license is to engage in a sexual relationship with a client. It's one of the most egregious violations a mental health provider can commit. It's virtually the only guaranteed way

to lose your license. And she would imagine the Code of Ethics for most health care professionals can't be too different. So I actually Googled this after we talked to her. And right there in the American Psychiatric Association's document principles of medical ethics or whatever in the very first section, it literally says, don't bang your clients. Don't do it. A psychiatrist shall not gratify his or her own needs by exploiting the patient.

The psychiatrist shall be ever vigilant about the impact that his or her conduct has upon the boundaries of the doctor-patient relationship and thus upon the well-being. of the patient, these requirements become particularly important because of the essentially private, highly personal, and sometimes intensely emotional nature of the relationship established with the psychiatrist. So this is not some edge case or ambiguous territory. It's very clear cut and this guy knows what he's doing. Well, there you go.

That makes perfect sense. So open and shut case. You said nothing bad happened. By that, I assume you mean you guys didn't actually engage in anything. But as Dr. Margolis pointed out, something bad did happen. These explicit emails, everything else he said and did, and the way all of that made you feel as a patient. So let's talk about that thing I flagged earlier, how you feel partly responsible for not shutting

this down sooner. Dr. Margolis zeroed in on that as well. When you said that you're upset by the recurrence of something you thought you'd be able to handle better at this point in your life, Dr. Margolis sent some self-blame on your part and perhaps some shame about what happened. She wanted to be very explicit with you and say there is zero percent of this situation. that is your fault. In her view, this is a situation where a person in a position of power took advantage of that power and your vulnerability, and that can make it very difficult to feel like

you can say no or set boundaries. And it sounds to me like you're turning some of this inward and beating yourself up for not shutting down a very difficult and uncomfortable situation that you did not create. And look, I admire that you want to know what you could have done differently and that you do feel the sense of agency, especially given what happened to you when you were younger, but his actions, his ethical obligations, those are not your responsibility. So in Dr. Margolis's view, addressing that shame and sense of responsibility with your therapist would probably be very valuable in addition to talking about what all of this has brought up for you given your past. As she put it, that shame and self-blame sound more like symptoms of trauma than of an accurate

reflection of reality in terms of who's truly responsible. So let's talk about the big question, Gabe. Should she report him? Well, Dr. Margolis said that she's really glad to hear that your therapist isn't pushing you into doing anything you don't want to do. That's the right approach in her view because the truth is nobody can decide whether to report this guy except for you. It's a personal choice. She does think it's important that your therapist inform you of your rights and what courses of action you could take if you wanted to. But Dr. Margolis did say that in her experience, when clients report violations like this, yeah, it can be quite scary, but it can also be very empowering. Because if you think about what you went through with this guy as an abuse of power, which is what it is.

What a remarkable way to take the power back. In fact, she said that if you were her client, she might ask what it would have been like for you if you had somebody speak up for you back when you were 17, and if that would have made a difference in your life. Is it worth the discomfort of reporting this guy in order to do something for other people that you maybe didn't have yourself? And also, is there something inherently healing about being the person you wish you had when you were in such a vulnerable position. She was not presupposing the answers to that. There are questions you can turn over yourself, but just sharing a few ideas you might want to explore with your therapist. But look, Dr. Margolis was very clear with us. None of this means that you have to report this guy. It is absolutely

possible that closure and healing for you is going to come in other forms. You might want to work through some more of this with your therapist before you report it, which is very common and totally fair. And also, Dr. Margolis said that the wheels of justice tend to move very slowly. So even if you did report him now, it might be a long time before you actually have to follow up on anything. But in any event, if you do a little more work around this with your therapist, you might feel more equipped to handle the process. And if you ever do decide to report, hopefully your therapist would help you with that and they would help you process what comes up for you at every step along the way. I agree. But listen, if you do decide to report this guy, it might not be as involved as you

assume. You might want to look into what the process actually is. It could be as simple as writing up a brief report, maybe having a call with some investigator or whatever down the road, it might not require a lot of time and energy. But that partly depends on your state and what the reporting process looks like. It's not going to be like a sexual assault trial, right? As for your question, can I just move on? Dr. Margolis had an interesting response. She said, I don't know. Can you? Kind of like when you ask your third grade teacher, if you can go to the bathroom and she says the exact same thing. Of course, it's not the same thing. More to the point, what does moving on mean? Does moving on mean processing it in therapy?

Does it mean not having any feelings about what happened whatsoever? Does it mean stuffing it down and never thinking about it again? Because if so, she's not sure that's really moving on if that's even possible. I mean, we can't never have feelings about something, right? But we can change our relationship to those feelings. So really, this depends on how you ultimately feel about what happened, what you think you need to do in order to resolve this. But Dr. Margolis was emphatic on one point.

It's very possible this guy will do it again. And even if he stopped seeing patients soon, he might do it to other people in his life. So that might change the calculus too. Right. Like you said, he might go to church and find new targets down the road, even if he's not seeing people in his practice. Yeah, it's an alarming thought. But look, when you asked if you're becoming part of the problem by not reporting him, to quote Dr. McGillis one more time here, if you don't report, that doesn't make you a bad person.

And it doesn't mean you're failing people and it doesn't mean that you're part of the problem. you, with your therapist, have to consider what your needs are. What about the situation is unique to you in order to do what is right for yourself? And I think she's absolutely right about that. It's important to parse these feelings and this sense of responsibility and not let that self-blame component that we've been talking about creep into your decision either way. So I'm really sorry that this happened to you. It is a truly awful and uncomfortable experience, but I admire how thoughtfully you're handling it.

And I love that you decided to start therapy again to talk about. what it brought up and how it fits into the larger story of your life. I think that's excellent. I mean, it sucks that you have to talk about it more, but it's excellent. Whatever you decide to do, and all of these options, I think, are fair. Make sure that you are processing this experience however you need to in order to move forward for yourself. That is priority number one. I will say, though, if this were me in your shoes, I'm just speaking for myself here, I'd be reporting this guy, because this is so textbook. And I would just want to know that I helped put a stop to a person like this, but that does not mean you have to feel the same way. Really, I'm just

popping off because your story makes me super angry. I don't want anybody else to go through this too, but again, you don't have to agree with me on all this, just like anything on Feedback Friday, for that matter. Sending you a big hug, as long as you consent, of course, not trying to throw out Dr. Midlife Crisis over here vibes. We're rooting for you, and we're wishing you all the best. Big thanks to Dr. Margolis for her wisdom as well. Dr. Margolis is seeing patients in Los Angeles and virtually throughout California. You can learn more. More about her at Dr. Aaron Margolis.com. You know who you won't need to report to a regulatory body, Gabriel?

The amazing sponsors who support this show. We'll be right back. Thank you so much for listening and supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support this podcast are at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. You can also search for sponsors using the AI chatbot on the website or email me. I'll surface that code for you.

Please consider supporting those who support us. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, next up. Hi, Gabe and Jordan. My aging mother is in her 70s, and she lives on a Jewish settlement in what is technically Palestine. She's a fierce Zionist and moved us to Israel when I was 14, but as an adult, I came back to the States to go to college, work, and live.

Wow, fascinating. So for anybody who doesn't know about these settlements, these are civilian communities where Jewish Israelis live. And I believe there's something like 140, 150 of them. and they're built on land that Israel annexed in the Six Day War in 1967, mostly in the West Bank, but also some in the Golan Heights. A lot of people in countries, including the U.S. at various points, they consider these settlements illegal under international law. Obviously, Israel, and these settlers disagree. In some areas, like East Jerusalem, Israel doesn't even consider

them settlements. They're just like, okay, this land is ours. Israelis can move there, no problem. And fun fact, I used to live in East Jerusalem on something called French Hill. And there was like a house in the middle of this built up area that was in sort of disrepair. And the kids there, they would throw rocks at me whenever I passed by. And I just did not understand. I was like, how was there this house next to our dorm where this kid throws really large, dangerous stones and tries to hit us when we're sitting out in the grass or when we're walking by? And that's why, because he's pissed off. Because history. Yeah, because history. But you didn't know. Anyway, it's fascinating. It's complicated. We don't need to get into the politics

of all this. I just wanted to clarify for anybody who isn't familiar with where this listener's mom lives. It's basically super dangerous. These people get butcher it all the time. Carry on, Gabe. My mother has always been the type of person who follows her idealistic notions to an extreme. For example, she raised me in a meditation cult, which was kooky enough, and then decided that the whole thing was bogus and damaging and then became orthodox religious and moved to an Orthodox Jewish settlement. Interesting. So she's kind of a magnet for these movements, these extreme ideologies. That's tough. I'm glad you see it clearly now, though, because that's a miserable way to live. Normally, I can do a decent job of handling her conspiracy theories and wild

statements, but since COVID lockdowns, it has gotten much worse. Go figure. She's convinced of the pandemic, and that a cabal of rich elites are trying to depopulate the earth by 66% through magnetic COVID shots and 5G. And she's now making statements like, viruses were invented by eugenicists. They were responsible for the Spanish flu in 1918 just at the advent of electricity, and that's how they activate viruses. You know, what's funny is hearing a Jewish woman who lives in a settlement saying a cabal of rich elites. And it's like, you know when other people say rich elites, they just mean Jews, right? That's who they're talking.

They're talking about you. Okay? It's just funny. It's like rich elites is definitely one of those sort of secret words where they're like, they. And it's got parentheses around it. And it's like, they mean Jews. And she's like, no, I'm Jewish. It's the other elite cabal.

Good Lord. So she's a full on conspiracy kook. It gets even better, Jordan. The letter goes on. By the way, my mom was a successful nurse for 35 years, and she still believes the unscience behind these statements. Whoa, fascinating. I mean, I don't understand where this comes from. Well, actually, I do understand where it comes from. They get it from rumble or whatever, but come on, people. Now she's only getting worse with the conflict between Israel and Hamas. She's living in Palestinian territory, which could be an easy target for militant extremists. In fact, they've had a few incidents of Arab refugees. not Palestinians, breaking into Jewish homes and murdering them in their sleep. Okay, yeah. But she's also convinced that Hamas is in league with the secularist Israeli government

and that all of this is a smokescreen to remove Zionists and put them all in concentration camps. Oh, gosh, that is as far-fetched and stupid as I've ever heard. She has a completely different interpretation of what is happening in the last month or so. Wow. I wonder how many other people in that situation believe that. I have no idea. We have listeners in those settlements, and they write in and they don't seem insane to me. They don't say this, yeah.

No, they don't say this kind of stuff. But she can't be the only person who believes that. No. But I had not heard that one yet, that Hamas is secretly working with Israel. I mean... That's a new one for me, too. Wow. Continue. So she's refusing to leave.

She truly believes that this is what God has called on her to do. My partner and I plan to get married within the year, and even before the conflict, she was saying that if she left, they wouldn't let her back into the country. I told her repeatedly that this is silly and the only reason we're having a wedding is for the mothers. So her not coming to the wedding is out of the question. Also, I never wanted to get married, but my mother always told me that getting married is extremely important for family and friends. I finally gave in because I do want to make her happy. Now she's saying that getting married is only for the couple and for God and that family and friends don't really need to be there, so we should just find a proper rabbi as soon as possible to marry us.

What hurts the most is her total hypocrisy. Right, so she's difficult on a number of levels. Yeah, I can see why this mom is driving her up the wall. So she goes on, my mother is more or less healthy, but is becoming less reasonable and has a heart condition. I've been thinking about convincing her to come back to the States for a while. I'm an only child and there's no one else to take care of her,

and then this conflict happened. I want my mother to be happy and healthy wherever she is. And if I were being completely honest, I'm not sure how much I like the idea of her living close to me. I love my mother deeply, but she generates a bit of an everybody-loves Raymond situation wherever she goes. Surprise, surprise.

I'm legitimately worried that I would come home to find pinpricks in the condoms and our entire kitchen being koshered with all of my very nice and extremely expensive pots and pans in the trash. That's not a joke. She actually sounds like that's a real thing. Yeah, that's a real fear. Like, I noticed your kitchen wasn't kosher, so I threw away everything that you use.

Oh, yeah, you're responding to the kids. and where I was responding to the pinpricks and the condos, but both are very disturbing. Yeah, that one's worse, actually. I'll give you that. Yeah, who knows? Maybe all her pots and pans are from William Sonoma, which would make that a huge tragedy. Yeah, you don't want those in the trash. Also, I'm not exactly a cuddle bunny, which is sort of what she wants for herself, by her own admission. I took that to mean that she wants to surround herself with like-minded people and codependency. Oh, man, I'm really trying to bite my tongue here because there's so much to talk about, but... If this woman was raised in Israel from age 14 through adulthood, she's probably a Sabra.

This is what the Israeli women say about themselves. Sabra is like the word for this cactus fruit that has the spines on it. And it means really prickly on the outside but sweet on the inside. Basically every Israeli girl that you meet is going to throw something in your face. And then you're like, God, they are so mean. And then later on you're like, oh, she's really nice. So you're saying her mom is a Sabra or she's a Sabra? She's probably a Sabra.

So she's like, I'm not exactly a cuddly bunny. It's like, well, yeah, you were raised in Israel. So you're not going to be like, oh, hi, thanks. You're going to be like, eh, what? It's a little bit of a New Yorkie jersey kind of thing. Totally. They can be tough cookies, those people. Tough cookies, yes.

Okay, so the letter goes on. But if something were to happen to her, I'd never forgive myself. She's completely alone and repeatedly gets emotional with me on the phone about how lonely she is, how depressed she is, and how much she regrets having me with my Shixa father. Okay. Well, first of all, for anyone who doesn't know what Shixah means, it means a non-Jewish person. Second of all, that was an escalation. Like, one thing, she's like, I'm lonely, I'm depressed. Also, I regret having you.

What a harsh thing to say to a child and not something that she should be bringing to her daughter at all. No, just wildly inappropriate. I don't really help any. I tend to get very frustrated with her antics and eventually lose patience and start yelling. I don't really have time to be bombarded by her. I am so on your side in this letter. It's insane. I'm having a very strong reaction.

Is it worth it to try to convince my half-baddy mother to come back to the States when she firmly does not want to, especially when we would both be somewhat miserable with each other. Yeah. Should I just leave her in Israel and risk the immense guilt if something happens to her? Signed, a conflicted daughter Husina, disturbing shift with her email.

Did you just rhyme Zina with Ema? That's good, actually. No, I don't know if that's the worst rhyme you've ever come up with or like a new level of rhyming genius. It's a little bit of both, let's be honest. I don't know. I was trying to keep it fresh, but it's down to the wire. Riming two English.

English words pronounced differently with one Hebrew word. That's right. So for anyone who doesn't know Ema is mom in Hebrew, and I don't know about rhyming it with Sina, but you didn't have a whole lot of options. I mean, what, FEMA? Exactly. FEMA, I did actually go through FEMA, Patina. I don't want to be mean, but I just definitely cannot do that.

You were right to put it down there. Thank you. Screama. I don't know. Screama. They should drop mom in one of those Hamas tunnels and those guys would run right out the other side. Like, oh, no, not her again. The true Iron Dome is her Sabra of a mother.

It's just a Jewish settler who doesn't want to leave. Honestly, this Emma does make me want to scream up. It's not even my mom and I'm on the edge. What a stressful situation to be in, especially right now with a war going on. What a mom to have. And by the way, thank you for letting us have a little bit of a laugh. We're not trying to be mean to your mom. I'm sure she's deep down a wonderful person.

She means well, as they say. I think Jordan and I are both having Jewish boy reactions to this kind of mother. Of course, dealing with a personality like this can drive you insane. And I get why you end up snapping at her on the phone. I don't know how you could avoid that. But then she's lonely. She's depressed. She has this heart condition.

And she's your mom. So you want to be there for her. You want to help. And that's a tough bind to be in. Really, Jordan, I feel for her in a huge way. But part of the bind is that her mom needs help. But she's also very hard to help. It's confusing.

Seriously. Yeah, there's some mixed signals here. I mean, her daughter is saying, okay, you're lonely. You need help. You have a medical condition. So come to the States, live with me. And she's like, no way. God told me to live in the West Bank or whatever, and they won't let me back in if I leave because

Hamas and the leftists are trying to kick me off my land. I mean, it's, which one is it? Right. So it's like, what do you do with a person like that? How do you show up for them? You can hear that she's already kind of starting to find the answer? Yeah. Like implicit in the question. Right, which is maybe I just let my mom do what she wants. I mean, she's making herself very clear, right? She's saying, I'm not leaving even for a short trip, even for your wedding. And putting aside her reasons for that, which are objectively insane, that is her choice. And our friend here might need to respect it, or at least accept it, even if she fundamentally disagrees. Because yes, it is her mom's life. Right. Although I think it's interesting that she also said, if I'm being honest, I don't know if I

want my mom living near me. In fact, she's saying they both be miserable with each other. I know. I think that is very funny because on one hand, she's going, my mom is so frustrating. She won't just listen to me and move here. And then she's also saying, well, on the other hand, she might be doing me a huge favor by being so rigid. So maybe she and her mom actually agree about this. Maybe they both want her to stay in Israel, except your mom's not going to let you just have that one. You're going to have to sort of fight to get her there and then give up at the right time so she doesn't actually move. I think on one level they do agree about that, but that might be a little bit of a dangerous thing for our friend here to fully acknowledge. It's sad to say, but it is possible that it's better

for their relationship. In addition to being her mom's wish currently, maybe. So I think the real question, and she's already asking this as well, is how to make peace with that choice and how to cope with all of the stuff that it brings up. The main thing it brings up from what I'm hearing is a sense of extreme responsibility for her mother. And we're not just talking about, you know, a basic, healthy, baseline, sweet concern for a parent. I mean, it sounds like she feels extra responsible for her mom's happiness. And I'm sure that's been a lifelong thing. Like she said, she caved on the wedding to make her mom happy. And that's part of why she's so hurt and so angry now that she's changed her mind, you know, like, how do I please this woman? I'm sure she has

dozens and dozens and dozens of examples like that over the course of her life. So what you're getting at is part of her process here isn't just getting to a point where she can go, okay, mom, stay in Israel, I hear you, you got your reasons. It's also learning how to stop feeling like she needs to make her mom happy all the time in every way. Yes, that's right. And that's such a hard thing to undo with a parent like this. But that's where this very tough decision becomes a great opportunity for her to learn how to separate from mom a little bit more and disidentify from mom a little bit more and start to let go of some of this responsibility and honestly guilt that she carries around. But look, letting her mom stay over there means she also has to live with fear. And that's a

lot harder to let go of because her mom, she's in an objectively dangerous situation, geographically and otherwise both as an Israeli settler and anybody in that area at all during this war. Right. And what's the fix for that? I mean, that's just the reality of the situation. If her mom stays, she's in danger. But again, her mom is making that choice, knowing full well the risks. And so respecting her mom's choice also means accepting the consequences of staying there, which is obviously something millions of people around the world are dealing with every single day. I thought it was interesting when she said, should I just leave her there and risk the immense guilt if something happens to her? Look, first of all,

the phrasing of that question says so much about how you think about your mom. You're not just leaving her there. She is saying, I want to stay. and you have the option, and it kind of sounds like your only option right now, of saying, okay, mom, I hear you, you're going to stay. That's what you want to do. I get it. The second thing is, as we've been talking about, yes, you do risk a lot of feelings if something ever did happen to her, and it's scary, and I get it.

You would feel sad, you would feel angry, I imagine, all of it. But again, the guilt, I'm not so sure that that has to be part of the equation, at least not to the degree that it is right now. Because, again, I think that guilt speaks to a sense of obligation that you feel to your mom that is very old and that she, is also creating by relying on you as an emotional support and then at the same time making it difficult, if not impossible for you to actually help her. I mean, not to traffic and stereotypes, but this is kind of the definition of the classic

Jewish mom, right? The neediness, the complaining, I'm fine, leave me alone, but don't hang up. I love you, save me. Gabe, you ever heard that old joke, how many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? Oh, God, no, I haven't. What is it? It's fine, I'll just sit in the dock. That's too real.

But yeah, exactly. Your question is about whether to lean on your mom to move closer to you or whether to leave her alone. But I think what you're really asking, whether she moves closer to you or stays put, is how do I relate to my mom from here on out? You know, how am I going to work through the rage and the frustration and the guilt that she stirs up in me? How am I going to stop internalizing her so much? Can I live my life on my own terms? That's the real question. And if you ever did manage to convince her to move closer to you, you would probably have to do that even more.

because you guys would have even more contact. So this is actually really important. I think that's absolutely right, Gabe. But look, on a practical level, if your mom stays in Israel, you obviously want to do everything you can to keep tabs on her, make sure she's okay. So I would obviously stay in touch.

I would try to get the contact information of any friend. She has neighbors, places she frequently goes. Maybe you book a trip to visit her when things calm down a little bit. It would not go right now. This is how so many people look out for their family members

when they're halfway across the world. We're not saying you shouldn't talk to your mom anymore or that you shouldn't care, what I think Gabe's getting at is, what does caring really look like? What should it look like for you? That's right. There might come a day when your mom just can't stay there anymore. Like if she has a serious medical crisis or her settlement becomes a lot more dangerous or she can't live by herself anymore. And when that happens, you'll know when it's time to say, mom, I'm sorry, but I'm putting my foot down.

You can't live there by yourself anymore. You're coming to me. Or you hire someone to look out for her. Make sure she has the support that she needs. You'll know what solution is required when the time comes. But until then, I do think there's something to be said for letting her stay. And I say that, knowing full well how difficult that is, and ironically how much easier it is for you in a big way,

which is yet another difficult fact that you get to work through. But that's life, right? There are levels and angles to every decision, and there's just rarely one perfect solution. I'm sorry that your mom is so tough. She sounds, well, she's your mom, you know. But there's an opportunity here for you to learn to let go of some of the distress that she causes you. We're sending you and your mom the best.

We hope she stays safe, both from the war and the 5G magnetic vaccine lizard people. We're wishing you both all the best. Oh, and congrats on the wedding, big or small, moms or no moms. I hope it's a special day for you. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Keep your emails concise. Use descriptive subject lines. That makes our job easier.

If you're finding dead squirrels in the mailbox, your stepdad's got your nudes. Your neighbors are eavesdropping on your therapy sessions through the wall, or you're sitting on a massive family secret that your husband was not your stepson's father and you don't know whether to spill the beans. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately, hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. Oh, and by the way, speaking of that, Gabe manages the inbox. And he chooses the questions and he edits them.

And then he makes them anonymous before I ever see them. So there's been some show fans that I've met up with and like, yeah, you know, that thing I wrote you about, it's not really as bad. is, and I'm like, hey, I don't know about this. So you don't have to disclaim it before we go to lunch or whatever because you're embarrassed. So if you're hesitant about writing in, because you talk to me on some other channel or you know me personally and you don't want to share something personally, you don't have to worry about that at all. I never know who anyone is on Feedback Friday, and that is by design. Okay, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, I met a girl earlier this year,

and we're now in love, and everything is pretty great. However, when we met, she was still technically with her boyfriend of nine years, living with him and their eight-year-old son. Hmm. Okay. So I know people meet at crazy moments. Feelings change. Relationships evolve. But this is already complicated.

She says that he's been emotionally abusive the entire time they've been together, that he cheated on her and that he's an alcoholic. Okay. So not a great dude. She's tried to leave him several times, but says that due to financial reasons and not being able to find affordable housing, she's reluctantly stayed with him. Okay. Well, that's tricky.

The financial aspect of relationships can keep people stuck in really bad situations. That happens all the time, especially when there are children involved. But that can also sometimes be an excuse for people to not leave dangerous situations. So let's see where this goes. She says she's been unhappy their entire relationship. Then she met me, which gave her the motivation to formally break up with her ex two months ago. I always find it interesting when someone's in an objectively terrible situation and they should just get out for their own reasons. But then they meet somebody and it's like, oh, finally, I have a reason.

reason to leave because there's another option for me. Right. I don't know. That's an interesting wrinkle to the story. Well, it's a red flag, right? Because it means I don't want to be alone. That's the worst thing. Being an abusive relationship, it's not as bad as being alone. Like, wait a minute. Yeah, it's worse. By a lot. That's kind of what I'm getting at. That's right. So the letter goes on. She says she's totally in love with me and she introduces me to her friends as her boyfriend, but she refuses to tell her ex about me because she's concerned that he'll flip out. She also says how much he's emotionally falling apart and that he feels.

sideswiped by her abruptly breaking up with him when he thought things were fine. Oh, man. So she's still essentially in a relationship with this guy, still living with him, even though they technically broke up and she has a new boyfriend? The I'm afraid he's going to flip out and the whole like he's falling apart right now thing. I don't know. That paints a picture for me again of a woman who's still kind of taking care of this guy and probably prioritizing him over herself and her new boyfriend. So I wouldn't be surprised if the money element were not the main reason. She's still there, but we'll see. Agreed. She might have financial problems, but the old, I can't find an affordable apartment might just be a convenient excuse to avoid

making an actual hard decision and rocking the boat. That's right. So the letter goes on, I'm a very compassionate person, so I find myself feeling bad for all of them, including the X. That's very interesting. That is interesting. So the X is a total mess. Your girlfriend is protecting him, and you're sympathizing with all of them, probably to your own detriment. Got it. But I'm very uncomfortable with her continuing to live with him without giving me any clear indication of a plan to either move out of their place or ask him to leave. Uh, yeah. It's not a real relationship, dude. She's still entangled with this guy. She's not stepping up and defining her life the right way. He goes on, it's no longer a financial issue.

She has the money. I've even offered to help her by lending funds. Oh, okay, so that answers that. She's definitely sticking around because she's afraid of him and or she's still getting something out of this arrangement. Yeah, this woman has some things to resolve. Candidly, this is raising a ton of red flags, but it's possible she just doesn't know how to assert herself and tell people what she wants, and or the fact that they have a child together is complicating matters and keeps her tethered to him. Yeah, that is fair, because that does make things maybe more complicated if they have a child and are we still co-parenting and what does that look like and how do the finances work and I'm afraid to be a mom on my own, et cetera, et cetera. Okay, so he goes on, she was saying how urgent it was to

leave that apartment. She's not saying that anymore. Anytime I bring it up, she gets upset and says she feels pressured. I don't know what to do. I'm in love with her, but my gut tells me that she might not ever actually leave him. What should I do? Signed a half-boyfriend, half-stuck, with this half-partner and her old buck. You need to tell your girlfriend, who is your girlfriend, not this other guy's girlfriend, that you guys are together now and you want to know where you stand and build your life together. her living with her toxic X is weird. It's dysfunctional. It honestly makes zero sense and that she needs to tell him that she's moving out or he's moving out or you can't feel secure or excited about your relationship with her. It's really as simple as that. It's not a crazy thing to expect.

It is so weird that she's still living with this guy. And she has to know that. I have a very strong feeling that there's more to the story than the facts here. I also think so. And it makes me sad. It makes me uncomfortable and sad. Maybe it's more dangerous than they're letting on also. I'm also wondering about that. You know, to your point earlier, his girlfriend is very concerned about protecting her ex and being there for him even now. But it's not like it was a great relationship and he's this solid guy and they're transitioning

to being friends and they're going to be great co-parents. I mean, this dude emotionally abused her. He cheated on her. He's struggling with an addiction. So presumably not a great father, I'm guessing. So the fact that she wants to make sure he is okay is already a worrisome sign. And that's precisely the codependence that probably has. help make their toxic relationship possible.

And where my mind goes is, is she going to bring that into her new relationship with our friend here? There's also a darker possibility here, which is that this guy still has her under his thumb in some way. Emotionally, physically, who knows, and she's just terrified that he's going to do something to her if she leaves. And if that's the case, then this situation is a lot more serious. And then it's about how to leave a domestic abuse situation. But based on what you've shared, this guy just says some really mean things.

And I know they can get in someone's head and be very intense, but that should not stop her from leaving the guy, especially with your help. The fact that she gets upset and says that she feels pressured when our friend here says, hey, I think it's time to move out. That says a lot. I think that's the key to this. I agree.

But again, I don't quite know what that reaction's about. Right. Is she getting worked up and defensive because he's pushing her to make a decision and she's just not comfortable putting her foot down? Is she freaking out because she's legitimately afraid of this guy? Is she just really bad with change? and she's just like trying to keep things on an even keel.

I don't know. Is she afraid of hurting her ex-boyfriend's feelings, which is another aspect of the caretaking and the codependence, and she's just kind of like paralyzed. Or, and I just got to raise this possibility, I'm sorry to bring it up, but are they still maybe kind of carrying on romantically and or she still has feelings for him?

Come on, man. I guess we have to acknowledge the possibility. I don't know. Doesn't sound like it, but I guess it's possible. Come on, man. I mean, she did formally break up with him, supposedly. So that makes me think no. But whether they're actually romantic or not, she is involved with him. I mean, come on. It's so weird. It just can't get over it. What we know for sure about this woman is that

she's messy. She met our friend here when she was still with her ex, which given their relationship makes a lot of sense and maybe isn't the worst thing, but it is messy. And when she got together with him, she kept living at her ex's house, which only compounds the mess. And when our friend goes, okay, so here's how we make this clear and simple, she's going, no, I can't do that to him. He's not in a good place. I'm not ready. Don't pressure me. Continuing the mess and making this mess even messier. Yeah. So I think you need to really sort this out with your girlfriend and it might involve giving her an ultimatum. You might have to say, look, you're either with me or you're with him and you need to make a choice. But more importantly, I would try to help your girlfriend explore why this decision

is so hard for her. What's keeping her there? Why is she afraid to draw a line? Why is she willing to tolerate this confusing situation? How much the child they have together is playing a role, all of it. Candidly, I'm just very concerned about what this says about her. I worry that these qualities will show up in your relationship, they often do. But that doesn't mean she can't grow. She might just need some help, but she needs to be willing to accept that help. She can't shut down and push you away and blame you for pressuring her when all you're doing is encouraging her to grow up and make a fair decision.

If she keeps doing that, then that would be a real deal breaker for me if I were in your shoes. Hope you can get through to her. Hope she can invite you in. You know who definitely wants to shack up with you and only you? The amazing sponsors who support this show. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of the show and you found our advice valuable, please, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do,

which is take a moment and support our sponsors. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. You can use the AI chat bot. You can search the site. You can even email me. I'll dig that code up for you. It is very important to use those.

And I thank you in advance for supporting those who support the show. show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Hey guys, my boyfriend is a well-known photographer and artist. He posts a lot of his work on social media and as his social media following has grown significantly, so have various dubious requests by a lot of NFT promoters who want to sell his art. He's mostly been dismissive of these requests, but lately they've gotten more professional and serious sounding and he's now considering a few of the offers that he's received. He thinks this might be a good investment because, you know, some Time magazine cover or whatever sold for some insane amount of Ethereum. But I'm not so sure. I've done some legwork on NFTs and I personally can only see this

as a scam of some sort, a bad investment and possible loss of rights to his own art at best. To quote you, Jordan, if 99% of these investments are scams, why would it be any different for those providing the art? Do you have any advice on this or ideas about how to navigate? the situation, signed a gal trying to spill the NFT. I like that one. NFT as in, oh, yeah, nice, Gabe. Right. So the NFT world, it's kind of a mess and very murky.

And I know people who are really into it are going to be like, you just don't understand them. I understand them very well. And I'm surrounded by some of the brightest minds in the cryptosphere. There's a lot of BS and scammingness in blockchain, period. If you look at the numbers, trading volumes for NFTs have just totally collapsed. as of this month, I think they've gone from a billion dollars a week a couple years ago to something like under $100 million today.

So it's not dead, but it's bad. I mean, it's 90 plus percent down, which is bad for any kind of thing. Of course, different people have different views on this. NFT evangelists and entrepreneurs who obviously have a very vested interest in propping up the NFT industry. They're saying things like, hey, this is normal. Peaks and troughs are part of the business, but a lot of other people, including the most bullish crypto-bitcoins are saying, yeah, this is a total flash in the past.

pan, it's not a real product, and it's fundamentally dumb. I'm not saying NFTs won't have some value long term potentially. I mean, a thing is worth whatever people are willing to pay for it, so if people continue to be willing to pay for NFTs, and I don't understand why they would, but that's the separate point. If they're willing to fork over money for a picture of an anime character or whatever, then sure, NFTs are quote unquote real, and they'll be quote unquote valuable. But I myself fall more in the second camp.

I just don't think that this NFT thing and its current iteration. is going to hold up. Also, a lot of this NFT business is, I'm selling a picture of a llama to myself for $300,000 in Ethereum because then it's supposedly worth $300,000, which to me is why NFTs really do seem like a greater fool scam. So you, quote, unquote, prove the worth of the NFT by inflating the value by selling it to yourself or somebody you know maybe. And then you or they try to sell it to somebody else and pocket the difference. In art galleries, we're doing the this and stuff like that. I mean, I know people that did a bunch of this, and it really was lucrative as long as they found a dumbass to part with their crypto funds. And it's interesting, based on what I've

read, NFTs are actually enabling money laundering, people just converting and moving funds around in shady ways using these silly assets. I'm not going to get into the weeds on that, but I know some anti-money laundering people. They pointed this out to me right away. Bottom line, the bubble popped on NFTs months and months ago. The most popular NFTs was the board Ape series, I believe, and these notoriously went from like $2 million to $2,500 or whatever. I think Justin Bieber and other celebrities got super screwed on those. His NFT lost like 95 plus percent of its value. But for an artist like your boyfriend who's being asked to sell his work as NFTs,

the calculation may change a little bit. Who knows, maybe there's some money to be made. It all depends on what the contracts look like. If these people who want him to provide the art, if they're willing to pay him a certain amount of money up front and he's happy with that number, maybe it's worth it. A deal like that could theoretically be a lot of upside with very little risk to him. If they're saying, hey, we'd love to sell your art as NFTs, you'll get nothing up front, but you'll get X percent of whatever we managed to sell and why royalties down the line. It's probably a waste of time. I'd be skeptical. The likelihood

of seeing real money is much, much lower, obviously much riskier. And he should only be working with a reputable NFT company, and I almost chuckle as I say that, because reputable in the NFT world is kind of highly ambiguous and relative. And if he's somehow a partner to the NFT creators, rather than just an artist selling or licensing his work at arm's length, I'd be concerned about him being personally liable if the token goes sideways. And also, don't let them pay him in pretend money that they have crafted, right? He needs cash or Bitcoin or Ethereum, not, oh, we've got photo coin, and it's NFT money for photography. It's not going to be worth it. anything. It's a Ponzi scheme. And he's going to be a part of it. Also, if he does any NFT deals,

he needs a super solid to make sure the contracts are solid, not the contract on the blockchain, a real paper, legally enforceable one. I'm no expert in this world by any means, but a few things that he should look out for are, well, he should definitely retain ownership slash copyright of his intellectual property. Otherwise, somebody else could own his photos, and that's no good. Or if he's willing to give that up, he'd better get a good price for it, and he's got to define that in the agreement. He's got to define royalties, how they're calculated, how they're tracked, how they're paid out. He's got to make sure contracts state exactly what artwork is being sold, down to the file names and the metadata. It's also got to stipulate who pays for things like the

storage of the NFT, once the token changes ownership. Your boyfriend should not be on the hook for that kind of technical stuff. And probably many, many more things I don't even know about, but those are some of the big ones. This is based on just some quick research we did and my hazy memory of contract law. So yes, 99% of these investments are probably either dumb or just straight up scams. But it could be different for those providing the art if the deals are favorable to the artist. But boy, do I have a surprise for you. Most deals with artists are not favorable to the artists, from music to movies to literally anything that artists are involved in. That's basically been true forever. But anyway, it all depends on the terms he's being offered. You're right to be

skeptical. But hey, if he can make some money from this craze in a non-shady way that doesn't victimize people, more power to him. Just make sure it's all in the up and up. They're not just taking your boyfriend's artwork for next to nothing and promising him tons of riches down the line in pretend monopoly money, and then praying they can convince enough ignorant people to buy the NFT and resell it a thousand times in order to make money. I think it's pretty cool. Your boyfriend has a big following with his work, though. I'm more excited about that in his potential in his career in that area than I am about anything NFT-related specifically. And good luck, both to you and him.

Okay, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a 16-year-old guy, and just this month, I lost my father to alcoholism. Oh, man, I am so sorry to hear that. That is horrible. What a thing to go through. For as long as I can remember, my father has been that one constant, the only real provider of love in my life. I'm loved by many, but he was the only one who really understood me. I'm now plagued with feelings of sadness and regret.

The day before he died, I was at a 12-hour school tournament, and I never got to tell him how well I placed. But, I mean, you couldn't have known that, right? I mean, this is obviously not your fault, but I understand. Look, I'm sure you guys had tons of important moments together. He probably wanted you at school, crushing it in your tournament. I do understand why you feel this way. Nobody wants to not be around for this moment, right? It might be because I'm a diagnosed autist, but I float between total.

numbness and sheer sadness, the type of sadness that causes unstoppable crying. I've been coping by playing video games and I feel aimless. Look, of course, you're grieving. This is painful stuff. I don't think it's because you're autistic. It's because you're grieving. Maybe there's a twist on it because of that, but look, everything you're describing, completely normal.

It's a reflection of how much you loved your dad, but I hear you. You're really going through it right now. So he goes on, my mom has floated the idea of going to therapy, but I feel unsafe talking to a therapist. Due to being hurt so badly before, I find comfort in knowing my secrets are known only to me. Being a closed book is a coping mechanism, but it's eating away at me. To add salt to the wound, I woke up yesterday to learn that my father's father passed away too. It had been coming. He had cancer. We were never close. He was a very bad father to my father. But now that my dad is gone, I can't hug him or tell him I love him. Oh boy, this is a lot of loss.

if you weren't super close with your grandfather. It's sad, it's intense. What a heavy time. Also, I got to say, interesting that your grandfather was a bad father and then your father ended up wrestling with addiction. I assume those are connected in some way. It's a sad cycle. Almost certainly related. I pride myself on my keen intellect, but my heart is shattered. I've thought of ending it all, but I don't think my dad would want that. Regardless, these thoughts plague me. How do I move on from such a debilitating loss. Signed, scraping by and try not to cry, but still too shy to rely on someone, as I say goodbye. Wow. Well, first of all, thank you so much for sharing all this with us. I know you're going through a very intense transition right now, and I love that you opened up to us

in this way. Losing a parent is an extremely painful experience. Losing a parent at 16, devastating. Losing a parent at your age to alcoholism, I mean, there are just no words. This is incredibly tragic. Your dad's pain was very deep. It sounds like he didn't always have the tools to process it and stay healthy. And now you guys are left carrying this sadness. It's awful. And I'm so very sorry that you are going through it.

So look, we talk about this on the show from time to time. When it comes to big losses like this, it's not so much about moving on. It's about moving through. And moving through means allowing yourself. And I mean really allowing yourself to feel everything that your dad's losses. bringing up. The sadness, the anger, the regret, the fear, all of it, and not suppressing those feelings, or numbing too much, or running away from them because they're scary and uncomfortable, to grieve well and come out the other side, you have to be in touch with all of this stuff.

I know you're looking for a shortcut or an off switch, some way to short circuit the pain, and I get it. Nothing could be more normal. But there isn't. Life just doesn't work that way. Unfortunately, we got to feel the feelings as annoying as that is. We got to talk about them. meaning out of them. That's really all we have. I know this loss is debilitating, as you put it. But what makes it more debilitating is numbing, avoiding, suppressing those feelings, they have to go somewhere. And over time, they will get easier. I promise you're at the hardest part of this process. The loss is fresh. The sadness is overwhelming. But it does get easier naturally on its own. And I know it's a cliche, but time does work wonders. It heals all wounds. So obviously, I'd love for you

to accept your mom's invitation to go to therapy. I think that's very wise. That would be an extremely helpful space for you to talk about your dad right now and to explore everything else going on in your life for that matter. But I'm especially eager for you to find some support right now

because of the suicidal ideation you're experiencing. And again, thank you for sharing that with us. I know that's a scary thing to acknowledge even though every single human being at some point has thoughts like that. And when you do, it's essential that you talk to somebody about them.

Essential. and the best person is a trained professional who can really help you unpack them in a safe space. So I say go. Go as soon as you can to therapy. I got to tell you, we get so many letters from young people saying, I want to go to therapy, but my parents won't let me or I really need to go. But if I told my mom or my dad that I really need to go to therapy, they would freak out and they would think they did something wrong.

So the fact that your mom is offering to take you to therapy is amazing. I mean, she's giving you a huge gift here. And yeah, I'm with Jordan. If I were you, I would accept it. But I hear you that you're wary about going, and it is scary, and that is also very normal. Maybe it's the fact that you've been hurt by people in the past, as you said. Maybe it's being on the autism spectrum. Maybe it's just how your family operates.

It might feel safer and more familiar for you to be a closed book. But I also hear you when you say that being a closed book is eating away at you, and that makes a lot of sense. So you know that this approach is not really working, and it is coming at a huge cost to you. And also, I find it very interesting that you pride yourself on your keen intellect. So you're obviously smart. You're a heady guy. You're very, you know, like mind forward. And that can often be a defense. And it's a very common defense for smart people, right? They tend to intellectualize. And intellectualization can be a defense against feeling all of these feelings that are coming up to ward those feelings off and to try to get at them in a very safe and controlled way, kind of like above the shoulders, you know. But like you said, your heart. is shattered. And so your only real option is to go in there, go down in there, and find out what's really going on. So yes, it's uncomfortable and yes, it's scary and yes, it's so new for you. But that doesn't mean it's bad. I think that actually means it's very important. The right therapist could be such a game changer for you and they could help you address all of this trauma,

not just your dad's death, but these experiences in the past that are making it hard for you to open up and trust people. And honestly, I think that could change the course of your life. I completely agree. Maybe you and your mom can find someone together, someone who's a good fit and ideally understands addiction and autism and grief and all these themes you're dealing with, and just take a chance and start talking. Not to belabor this, Jordan, but going to therapy and working on this stuff is what his dad should have done. And instead of talking about his dad and what he struggled with, he tragically turned to addiction. It's like a completely different path.

Right. Something very painful has been passed down here. It sucks that he inherited it, but now it's his to work. work through, and I know there's some really huge growth in store for him. Again, I'm so sorry for your laws, my dude. You deserve better. It's a real shame your dad got to this point. It's just incredibly sad. But here you are. You are going to be okay. Don't worry about moving on. Just move through as thoughtfully as you can and find the support you need, invite this stuff in, and trust that this intense process is going to take you exactly where you need to go. We're sending you and your mom a huge hug, and we're wishing you all the best.

Okay, before we wrap up here, our teammate Jace, you guys might know him as our audio engineer, also as the guy who's been making two grown men cry around here lately with that amazing life story that he shared with us a couple months back. Jace's father passed away recently and suddenly. And just like our young friend here, Jace has been going through it, as you can imagine. His dad sounds like a very special guy, and we wanted to just take a moment to honor him on Feedback Friday and send Jace our love as well. Also, Jace told us that before his dad died, this was a while back.

On his dad's birthday, right after his dad saw one of his colleagues at work get into a serious accident, which apparently shook him up quite a bit, Jase wrote him a letter telling him how much he means to him, how his dad made him the man he is today, one of those big, heartfelt letters that he wanted to write for a long time, but just never did. And then the accident moved him to finally sit down to do it. And as you can imagine, it was a really special document. going to read the letter, but Jace shared it with us, and as per usual, it was a real tearjerker. So thanks for making us cry, yet again, Jace.

Seriously. Specialty. You know, for a repressed Brit, Jace sure knows how to tug of the heartstrings. He does. It's really funny. Sometimes I'm like, are you sure you're from England? This isn't doing any favors to that famous stiff upper lip. No, it's not.

Anyway, part of the letter that really got me was when Jace said, I don't want to wait to say these things to you in case something ever happens to you. And I'm realizing that for me not to tell you how grateful I am is only adding to my own selfishness, which I don't think Jace was ever selfish, just like I don't think our friend from the previous letter did anything wrong by going to a tournament for school. You know, there's always more we could have said. There's always more life to live. Them's the rules. And no one's perfect. And we're all trying our best. But I love this. Jace was hoping that more people might be inspired to write similar letters to the people that they love. So we just wanted to share that with you guys.

Not in a preachy way, hopefully, just in a, hey, this is a really sweet thing. Nothing's guaranteed in life. Maybe give it a go. Don't wait to say the things you want to say to the people you care about. That's all. A letter like the one we just heard really drives that one home. And it was interesting that it arrived just as Jace was going through this transition himself.

So we wanted to pass Jace's invitation along. It could be as formal as a letter, it could be a text message, could be a voice note, could be a string of weird emoji that only makes sense inside your family or friends. group, it doesn't matter. As long as you're taking a moment to tell the people you care about what they mean to you could take you 60 seconds, it might mean the world to them. So thank you again, Jase, for the awesome reminder. You're a real one. You're a great son. I'm sure your dad was super proud of you. We're so sorry that you had to say goodbye, but I know that this transition is that much easier and that much more meaningful because you took the time to tell your dad those things

when you did. Taking that into my weekend for sure, going to do something like this myself, and I hope all you will as well. And I want to thank everybody. who wrote in this week and everybody who listened, as usual, thank you so much. Go back and check out David Eagleman and Morgan Housel, if you haven't yet. David and I had a great time, so did Morgan and I. If you want to lighten the mood a little bit, you haven't heard those, go grab those right now. The best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people I know like and trust. I'm teaching you how to build that to get the six-minute networking course. It's free. I don't want your credit card number. It's

not a gross thing. It's just digging the well before you're thirsty. Build relationships before you need them. You can find it at Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Also, our newsletter, if you haven't signed up yet, Jordan Harbinger.com slash news, we resurface an old app. We go grab those gems and takeaways and we put it right in your inbox. 900 plus episodes. We're going to have plenty of material again at Jordan Harbinger.com slash news. Show notes and transcripts on the website at Jordan Harbinger. com, advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways to support the show at Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram.

You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace, Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Millio Campo, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own, and I'm a lawyer but not your lawyer. Do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Dr. Margolis's input is general psychological information based on research and clinical experience.

It's intended to be general and informational in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Not that you thought it did. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today.

In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn. And we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger show with a pain psychologist that helps people manage chronic pain when all else has failed. None of us are going to escape pain. Pain is part of being human. All of us at some point, if we haven't already, are going to experience pain. Seems about time we understood it, knew how it worked, and knew what to do about it. So I am what's called a pain psychologist, which no one has ever heard of.

People say, oh, well, you must treat emotional pain. The answer to that is no. Pain is always both physical and emotional. That's what neuroscience says. And in fact, what we know is that negative emotions like stress and anxiety or depression or anger or frustration turn up pain volume in the brain. We think and are trained that pain lives in the body, like in your back or in your knee. It is, of course, true that things may be going wrong in your back or in your knee, but that isn't what you're not. where pain lives.

Pain lives in the brain. Pain does not always indicate danger. When you have chronic pain and your brain has become sensitive, small bits of non-dangerous input from the body are being interpreted incorrectly as dangerous. You've seen that car alarm. You're looking at your window,

and that car, the lights are flashing and the horn is beeping and you're like, bruh, no one's breaking in. You're safe. The glass isn't even broken. That's a brain on chronic pain. So it's just so important for people with pain to know that part of what's happening for them

is that their brain has become extra sensitive and it is alarming when it doesn't need to. And it can be hacked. Guess what you and I are doing today? To hear more from Dr. Rachel Zoffness about how pain works in the body and brain, check out episode 661 of the Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast.

Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers. It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast-focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. Recently, they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think, the benefits of laughter, why sports fans get so invested, and what makes people like you or not,

the through line is always the same. Smart ideas you can actually use in real life. Something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love, and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting. So if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world really work itch, search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts. Look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.