The Jordan Harbinger Show - 933: Are You Fine After Fire or a Trauma Denier? | Feedback Friday

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

Are you really fine after a fire consumed your home and all you owned, or is there trauma you’re still taking time to process? Welcome to Feedback Friday! And in case you didn’t already know it, Jordan Harbinger (@JordanHarbinger) and Gabriel Mizrahi (@GabeMizrahi) banter and take your comments and questions for Feedback Friday right here every week! If you want us to answer your question, register your feedback, or tell your story on one of our upcoming weekly Feedback Friday episodes, drop us a line at [e-mail]. Now let’s dive in! On This Week’s Feedback Friday, We Discuss: How did the GiveDirectly campaign to raise money for two villages in Kenya go (introduced by Rory Stewart on episode 867)? We’d say pretty well, actually! — and you can still help transform the lives of people in poverty by giving directly. Through December 31st, all donations will be doubled until $250k in match funds pledged by 21 donors run out. This is a true match, so any unused match funds expire after midnight ET on New Year’s Eve. Are you really fine after a fire consumed your home and all you owned, or is there trauma you’re still taking time to process? In the aftermath of your breakup, you sought therapy to cope while your ex-fiancée took a more questionable series of approaches that involved accusing you of abuse. Despite residual negativity, you remain hopeful you might be able to mend your differences and rekindle the relationship. Is this just wishful thinking? While you’d love to honor your late father’s memory by attaching his name to a sizeable donation you made to a charity in your close-knit town, you’re wondering if leaving it anonymous and remaining invisible might be the wiser choice. Your addiction-struggling brother chose drugs over visiting your mother in the hospital when she was terminally ill, leaving you to make end-of-life decisions per her wishes. Now that she’s gone, he’s loudly proclaiming to anyone who will listen that you killed her. How should you handle this? A listener shares how he’s translated some of our advice into real-world application. Have any questions, comments, or stories you’d like to share with us? Drop us a line at [e-mail]! Connect with Jordan on Twitter at @JordanHarbinger and Instagram at @jordanharbinger. Connect with Gabriel on Twitter... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger. As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, the share to my sunny bono in that at some point I might grow a mustache and will statistically probably die first, Gabriel Mizrahi. One of my favorites. Well done. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long-form conversations with a variety of amazing folks

from former cult members, arms dealers, astronauts, national security advisors, music moguls. This week, we had Mike Kelland on how we might use the ocean as essentially a machine or engine to remove carbon from the atmosphere. Finally, some good news? I mean, it's a ways off, but maybe some good news about our climate or the potential to remedy some of the damage we've done over the past few decades. On Fridays, of course, we take listener letters offer advice, play of not. sound bites and stumble into weird digressions that usually involve me doing something dumb in a

foreign country or urinating in a place that I shouldn't. That is very true. It is kind of your brand at this point. It is. I'm not going to lie. Before we kick off here, I wanted to give you all an update on our Give Directly campaign to raise money for two villages in Kenya. Now, as you might remember, we were going to raise money for one village, but we hit our goal in like 48 hours. So we expanded the campaign and decided to raise money for a second village. And we ended up exceeding that stretch goal two, and by no small amount. We just heard from our partners at Give Directly, and they said that the campaign raised $54,000, which also then unlocked $20,000 in matched funds. And on top of that, Give Directly, conservatively estimates that the impact of the funds will be closer to $152,000,

which they said will help them reach 75 additional families in the months and years to come, which is just amazing, because each person gets like $1,000 or whatever the amount was. So many of you guys wondered what the money would be spent on specifically. You wanted accountability? You wanted receipts? I like that. I, of course, also wanted receipts. I was curious about that myself. So we heard directly from some of the people who were impacted by the fundraiser, and their stories were incredible. Too many to really do justice to here. Go like a whole website full that we could make, but I don't think we needed to do that. There were a few highlights that jumped out to me. A woman named Kvumbi, she lived with her children on land that basically they

could have been kicked off of at any moment. They were squatting, I guess. Her kids couldn't afford to go to school. With her funds, she bought a quarter acre of land, materials to build a house, and two goats, and she said now she can't wait to see what our future looks like. Then there's this guy named Joseph. He was a beekeeper, but he didn't have enough funds to grow his business, and he had actually given up on the whole idea. And he's already bought 11 locally made beehives, and he plans to buy five more. He plans to use the income to purchase a piece of land and build a new house. And then there's a woman named Cedi, who's lived on Squatterland as well for a decade. With her money, she put down a deposit on two acres of land.

She said it's given her a great feeling of ownership and security. Her children are happy. They're back in school too because she can actually afford their school fees, which by the way are like 15 bucks. And she's using the balance of her funds to construct a house for her family, which is just huge for them. So these stories, by the way, they go on and on. These are just a few of my favorites.

So I wanted to give you guys that update and send you a huge thank you for being a part of the campaign. It's made a massive difference to real people on the ground and super quickly, which is exactly why we partnered with Give directly. So I appreciate you guys being an amazing part of all this. We feel very lucky to have been a part of it with you. And I want to do more like that in the future.

I think it's really impactful and cool. All right. As always, we've got some fun ones. We've got some doozies. Can't wait to dive in. Gabe, what is the first thing out of the mailbag? Hi, Jordan and Gabe. I'm a doctor and a medical director at a pharma company.

And earlier this year, on a Friday, I was presenting virtually to some of my colleagues when what sounded like a bomb went off outside my apartment window. Turns out that this was a lightning strike to the roof of my apartment. Other than my router blowing, a few lights flickering, and an odd smell, I didn't know that there was any huge issue. Fortuitously, I walked out of my apartment five minutes later, shoeless and soaking wet in the rain.

Pieces of the burning roof were falling. I thought it would be fine, but the entire building was destroyed and condemned. That was my last moment inside my... apartment and my last moment having possessions. I lost all my belongings to the fire, except for a few items of clothing and, ironically, my work laptop. I was in shock, but the very next Monday I went to work. I have an incredibly supportive family and fiancé and didn't think anything of it. But my family, mainly my fiancé, think that I never actually dealt with the trauma. I look at it this way. I'm not the type to care about material goods or possessions. I got two people out of the building, no one

was hurt and my dog was not in the building at the time. My fiance says that I'm dismissive about what happened, but I'm optimistic. I have a blessed life and I tend to be a glass half full person. My situation is truly fine and I'm not bitter or angry or upset. Interesting. Okay, so I'm hearing a lot of gratitude and flexibility and resilience and, you know, a sort of healthy non-attachment, which is fantastic. On the other hand, sometimes those can be a little bit of a form of Bypassing a little bit? Yes. Bypassing, repression, that kind of thing. I think it might be a bit of both for him.

That's what I'm hearing too. Let's see where this goes. Four months later, some items were salvaged from the apartment. My father cleaned some of these nostalgic items up, and I'm unbelievably thankful and touched beyond belief. But for other items like clothes and trinkets that were burned and smoke damaged and moldy from the water, I'm appalled and cannot bear to know that they exist anymore. In my mind, they're just not.

like the rest of my items. I feel like I had fully accepted the loss and felt a new start on life. In a sense, I felt free. But now, for some reason, these items bring back the memory, the sudden cataclysmic event. Even the faint smell of smoke triggers me and I just want to move on. Hmm. Okay, so definitely more complicated than I'm fine. I'm grateful I've moved on. Yeah, this fire seems to have left a real mark. Well, clearly, and those recovered items remind him of what he lost, or maybe they just force him to relive the shock of the event. It sounds like a strong physical trigger.

It's so interesting because they say that smell is the strongest of the senses, right? Because it's the oldest and the most primal. It hooks into some ancient part of the brain. So I can see why the smell of smoke would be especially upsetting to him. That all makes a lot of sense. So he went through this huge thing.

He lost a lot. He's grieving. He's processing. Or maybe not processing certain things. Right. Anyway, it's all great information. Your fiancé might be right about where you are right now. Well, look, he can be grateful.

and upset. The two are compatible, right? Yeah, of course, but I get the sense that it's hard for him to make room for both. Right. I get that sense too. So he goes on, but then I always come back to my don't be a snowflake mindset, because in reality, I am okay. But the overwhelming sense of loss, having these memories and items pop back up is overwhelming. Okay, interesting. So I think there's our answer. Yeah, he's suppressing some stuff. It's hard for him to deal with these feelings. The more overwhelming they are, the less he deals with them, and the less he deals with them, the more overwhelming they become when they pop back up later. Yes. So he goes on. On top of all this, my dog and I semi-moved in with my fiance since the fire, and I can't help but feel that this was a rushed

decision. I don't feel like I have a home of my own. I feel like this decision was forced on both of us, rather than a beautiful choice. She's an amazing human and has been unbelievably supportive during this time. She dropped everything the day of the fire and drove to me, bought household items to make me feel like this is our home and stuff like that. But in the back of my mind, this was still a necessity, not a choice. What is this feeling? Is this PTSD? Or is this some sort of depression? Signed, feeling brand new, but coming unglued, and still processing what I went through after this literal bolt from the blue. Wow. Yeah, a bolt from the blue indeed. Or forsooth, one might say. So you've been through something pretty extraordinary. I think it's

fair to say that this is a trauma. Losing your home, losing your possessions, having your life massively disrupted in this way. Like I said, in a way, you're very well equipped to handle an event like this. You're grateful, you're optimistic, you're not too attached to material things. You know it could have been a lot worse. Hey, that's terrific. It's kind of like a superpower. I feel like I'm the same way, although it has its drawbacks, as we're seeing here, but you're clearly still wrestling with the event. And by the time you got to the whole don't be a snowflake thing, I was going, hmm, okay, our boy might find it a little hard to feel the feels sometimes.

The fact that the objects your dad refurbished are so distressing, the smell of smoke conjures up the fire all over again, those do seem like signs that this fire did a number on you. Hey, it makes total sense, and that there are some unresolved feelings about it. Now, what those unresolved feelings are, that's what you need to figure out. It might be some residual fear about the lightning strike. There's that whole body keeps the score concept, which I know some people have questions about. I don't know if this is like legit science accepted by everyone, but it's like your body holds

on to trauma when your mind isn't consciously in touch with it. You might need to allow yourself to acknowledge that this fire, look, it freaked you out, man, and start talking about it a little bit more. Or you might be dealing with some real sadness about losing all of your possessions. You know, I hear you when you say you're not super attached to them, but what if you are like a little bit attached? What could be more normal than appreciating everything that you've ever owned? Right. Right.

If my house burned down and I lost everything, I'd be disoriented to. Disoriented at a minimum, probably pretty devastated if I'm being honest, even though I don't care about my monitor and my microphone and my standing desk. But I'd be like, damn, I don't have any clothes. I don't have any photographs. You know, that sucks. It's interesting. I have a very good family friend who lost his home in Hurricane Katrina, and he lost everything.

I mean, his furniture, his photo albums, his childhood mementos, everything. And at the time, I remember he described it to me as, well, on the one hand, he said it was, like, very clarifying. Like, I am not the things I own. And that was kind of helpful for him. But at the same time, he said it was deeply upsetting because your things are not just things, right? there are also the objects, to your point, Jordan, that make up your identity and your sense of belonging and your history. So if you lose all of your photo albums, for example, you kind of lose your past. If you lose the quilts your grandma sewed for you, you lose part of your connection to her.

So I really get this. And I wonder if maybe that's what he's wrestling with. I think that's probably what those objects his dad saved are bringing up for him because they're a really vivid reminder of what happened, right? Ironically, it might be easier for him to feel like he lost everything than to feel like he lost all almost everything. Yeah. Because those things that survived are reminding him of all the things he really did lose. Right. Whereas losing everything for good might mean he doesn't have to be in touch with that sadness at all, right? Clean slate, hit the reset button, no reminder of the past. And then when he sees those objects that did make it, his past, which he's probably working

pretty hard to keep in the past, suddenly burst into the present. I could see that. And then he's like, oh, crap, right. I was in a fire. I lost everything. Here's the evidence. Here's the reminder of that, and then that buried stuff just suddenly comes rushing up to the surface. The other thing that's coming to the surface is his move in with the fiancé, so I find that very interesting. Yeah, we got to talk about that. I can't quite tell what to make of it at. Me either. He feels like it was a rushed decision, which it clearly was. He lost his home, and then boom, the next day he and his dog are moving in with his fiance. So clearly a big transition to make on a moment's notice. But also, this is a really sweet thing, right? It sounds like she has been

incredible through all of this. She immediately made her home their home. It's kind of the dream scenario. This is exactly the soft landing you hope to have with your partner after a huge crisis. And yet, he's going, okay, but I didn't choose this. I just had to do this. Which is a little strange to me because they're engaged. I think that's what's tripping me up, right? I mean, presumably, that means that they'd be living together once they got married, right? I mean, that's kind of how it works. It's actually a little unusual that they're not already living together, but whatever, who knows? Maybe they have their reasons. Logistics. preference, finances, maybe they got some spiritual beliefs where you don't do that, whatever.

But he chose to get engaged to spend the rest of his life with this woman. So why would moving in with her feel as forced as it does if this is where they were already heading? Is it the timeline? Exactly. If he feels like moving in together was a necessity and not a choice, then it kind of makes me wonder if he also has some feelings about the engagement, even though he says she's wonderful. Does that maybe feel like a necessity and not a choice?

Or is this conflict just the tip of the iceberg? there's more stuff going on. His partner sounds incredible, and he sounds great too. So I'm not saying that this relationship is wrong or doomed or anything like that. And honestly, if we kept digging any more into this, I feel like we would just be speculating. Yeah. But my thought here is only I would explore what this move is bringing up for you. Are you still dealing with the shock and the grief of the fire?

And it's just a lot of change in a very short amount of time. And it feels disorienting and kind of sad. And it accelerated an event that was supposed to be a little more gradual. If that's the case, I think that's totally fair. Or is moving in together bringing up other doubts you maybe weren't in touch with before? And again, I'm definitely not presupposing any answers. I just want you to explore those. But because a lot of your letter is about not allowing yourself to be in touch with your quote-unquote negative feelings,

I do think it's worth asking if there might be other ones around your relationship that you might not always be in touch with. I think that's a fair question, Gabe. Another way to put it is, does the fact that this movie, was rushed mean that it's wrong? Or does it just mean that it's jarring and it's a little weird and you're catching up mentally? Because you could also be going, man, this feels rushed, but how lucky am I to have a fiance who's giving me a home? This is definitely my person. This is definitely where I want to live. And this just all confirms it. So I'm with Gabe. I try to dig into where that response is coming from too. So to answer your question, what is this feeling you're having?

I mean, I think it's probably grief and clearly a little PTSD and all the other feelings that make up grief and trauma, right? A sadness for sure, a sense of loss, some confusion. Fear, I would say. Yeah, some fear too. I mean, just fear about how scary the accident was. It sounds like a bomb went off on your roof. You get out and then your building burns down with all your stuff inside. I mean, that's objectively scary. Also, fear over the living situation and what it all means. And maybe there is some depression in the mix here, too. That's harder for us to know from your letter. But since depression can sometimes function as a defense against certain feelings, a way to kind of shut them down, and that does seem to be part of your personality, it could be that there's some

depression, which would also be worth looking at. And by the way, he wouldn't be the first super smart doctor who finds it hard to access his feelings. I think this is very common. So the only answer here is to allow yourself to acknowledge these feelings, go deeper into them. Is that old feedback Friday chestnut, baby? Feel those feelings. Make the unconscious conscious. The only way out is through the obstacle is the way or whatever Ryan Holiday would chime in to say. And if you need help doing that, obviously I would recommend therapy to address any PTSD, of course, but also to talk about your relationship. Make sure you're entering marriage in the strongest possible position. I think you'd have a lot to talk about right now, but I would also encourage you to bring this up to your fiancee.

Continue letting her help you. That's what your partner's for in times like this. Those conversations might help resolve a lot of this conflict you have, and they could also help you decide if this is really the right path. Again, so sorry you went through this. It's a huge loss. There's no way around it. But like all huge losses, it's teaching you a lot about yourself, about what matters to you, about how you deal with your feelings. So keep listening to that data, keep digging. And I know that'll lead to the healing and insight that you're looking for. Good luck, Doc. By the way, Gabriel, you know what else is fire? The crazy good deals on the products and services that support this show. They're burning the house down. We'll be right back. Thank you for listening and supporting the show.

your support of our sponsors does keep us going. All the deals, discount codes, and ways to support the show are all in one place. Jordan Harbinger.com slash deals. You can also search for any sponsor using the AI chatbot on the website. You can even email me. I'll surface that code for you. It is that important for you to support those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, a month ago, I ended my engagement. She and I had been best friends for five years and dated for the last year. The relationship seemed really strong and I thought she was the one I would be with forever.

My ex-fiancee and I have some lingering scars from our last relationships. I was cheated on, so I get anxious when I'm away from someone for too long. She seems to be afraid to let herself become codependent and feel too emotionally vulnerable in a relationship. Ultimately, we had an argument because she felt like she was losing herself

and needed to end the relationship. When we broke up, I immediately went to therapy to work on my anxiety and figure out why I'm unable to make relationships work. I've realized that almost all the arguments my ex and I had happened when we were apart for more than three or four days. In general, I get anxious that not being able to see the other person will hurt our relationship. In this fear, I would try to make the other person feel guilty for not wanting to see me to the point that they started questioning if they were a good person.

I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. but I ended up doing just that. Wow, what a fascinating dynamic. I got to say, I love that you see this so clearly. Same. I also love that he's taking responsibility for hurting people, even though it wasn't intentional. I feel like this guy has come a very long way.

Meanwhile, my ex has started doing things like dyeing her hair, doing lingerie photoshoots, befriending my ex-girlfriend from two years before, and telling everyone that she's over me and that I abused her emotionally. Wow. Oh, k-dokey. I mean, dyeing your hair, no big deal. Come on. Taking risque photos. Nah, and it's not crazy. Defending your ex-girlfriend and telling everyone you abused her.

What? That took a hard left into a wall. Yes, it did. Especially because it does not sound like he did that. I know we're only hearing from him, but it sounds like she's making that up. He acknowledged that he hurts people when he doesn't intend to, so I feel like he would have also acknowledged if he had said some terrible things. Anyway, I think the point is that they are doing very different kinds of self-work, if you can call it that. Yeah, you went to therapy to figure out your stuff and she's, I don't know, acting like every cliche character who goes through a breakup and a made-for-TV movie. Exactly. Look, it's all good if she wants to express herself and have fun. Breakups, they're like that sometimes.

But you're painting a picture of somebody who's dealing with her stuff in some, I would just say, questionable ways. Befriending his ex from two years ago is like a bridge too far for me and all of this. presumably that ex is the woman who cheated on this guy in the first place, right? I think so. His ex-fiancee knows that and then knows that that contributed to his anxiety. So I'm just trying to imagine what they possibly have to talk about. All of this makes me very concerned about his ex-fiance. This is not normal behavior.

A few days after we broke up, we cut off all communication, and I haven't been able to speak to her since. That is, until a day ago, when she unblocked me on Facebook and sent me a message to let me know that she's changing the passwords on the social media we shared. Now I'm wrestling with the idea of trying to patch things up and make amends, but everyone's telling me that it is too soon, and that she's still way too angry to see me as anything but a bad guy right now. They also aren't sure if her reaching out was to reassert her anger or to open the lines of communication. Well, that's part of the problem, right? She is opening the lines of communication, but in this very cryptic and frankly kind of immature way under the guise of telling you that she changed her

freaking YouTube premium password or whatever. Right. She's not saying, I'm still angry and I'm confused, but I'm open to talking. If you are open to talking, right, she's going like,

I'm here if you want to reach me, but I'm not going to tell you that that's what I want. And also, I'm still angry at you, but I'm not going to come out and say that. And also, you don't get to enjoy those ad-free selling sunset compilations, Jason.

You're going to have to watch 40 Lexus ads every time you want a recipe. So take that. Exactly. Have fun sitting through. a 60 second Ty Lopez promo whenever you want to watch America's Got Talent Highlights. I hope you think of me every time you hit Skip Ad. It's like a really bad Alanis Morissette cover. And every time I hit Skip Ad on someone else's Chan, I hope you feel it.

I haven't thought about that song. It's so long. That's so good. Look, I'm a hold off. But this behavior is very much part of the problem. And I'm not talking about my singing, which is flawless. Oh, yeah. 10 out of 10.

Zero notes. Loved it. Okay, he goes on. I haven't responded, but I still feel that she's the one I should be with, and that we might still have a good future together. Yeah, I am biting my tongue. Yeah, I don't know about that one, but we'll see. How do I encourage our healing and see if we can start to move forward again?

Or is this a lost cause, and we just weren't good for each other? Signed, landing on the right story as I linger in this purgatory. Right. Well, look, I guess. Get why you're holding out hope. You guys had something meaningful, and I can certainly understand your confusion. Relationships are confusing. You're only a month out from your breakup.

This is all still very fresh, and you're still connecting the dots. It's hard to read the label from inside the jar and all that stuff. You brought a lot of unresolved stuff to this relationship. Your ex did too. And, hey, ultimately, your respective issues, how they interacted, that led to the breakup. And when you broke up, you were like, okay, I need to go figure this out for real. and then you did. You went to therapy.

You're doing the work. You figured out this pattern of yours, and that's like in a month or whatever. I'm very proud of you for that. But really, it's clear that she is not doing that work herself. She's not trying to figure out why it's hard to be vulnerable in a relationship or why she felt like she, quote, unquote,

lost herself with you, whether that's in therapy or by reading books or having some good conversations with you. And I hate to say this, man, I really don't want to twist this knife. But what she is doing, she's blocking you. Then she's unblocking you, but then not really reaching out, retaliating in petty ways, dyeing her hair purple, taking booty shots for Instagram,

hitting up your ex, telling everyone she's over you, saying you abused her. That is just not painting a picture of a woman who is interested in growing and getting back together with you. It's painting a picture of a woman who is acting out, maybe going a little nuts, poisoning the well with your friends, and damaging your reputation deliberately, which, in addition to being dysfunctional and hurtful, is also unethical and gross. And I think those are very important signals for you to acknowledge here. So as confusing and complicated as this situation is, my advice is, it's rather simple. I would not try to patch things up with her right now.

I would keep investing in yourself. Your friends are probably right. It is very soon. She is still angry. And hey, maybe she has some good reasons for that. I don't know. I'm not letting you off the hook entirely here either. But that doesn't mean you need to make amends tomorrow.

You're still figuring out what you're actually sorry for, what was your stuff, what was her stuff. That takes time. And it definitely does not mean that you should get back together. Could not agree more because, look, you're asking, how do I encourage our healing? And the answer to that in this scenario is you can't. I mean, you can only encourage your healing by doing it.

If she wants to do her version of that or if she wants to join you in that, she will. And if she doesn't want to, which it doesn't sound like she does, if she's even capable of it, then I'm not sure you guys can move forward again. But to Jordan's point, I do not see why you would want to. The better question to be asking yourself right now is, why do I want to patch things up with somebody who's behaving this way? Am I really seeing this person clearly? What am I trying to get back? And is it really better than the growth that I am going through right now? Those are 100% the questions you should be asking. And look, I don't want to be callous because

I know how brutal breakups are, but I think this relationship kind of had to end the way that it did, because you had to finally confront this stuff. Yes. Maybe it's true that this is a lost cause and you just weren't good for each other. My gut is telling me that that's the case, but that's going to become very clear to you in time, probably pretty soon. But in a grander cosmic sense, you were good for each other. Here we go with the cosmic.

I'm not even wearing the Cabonito hat today. I still use that word. Sorry, guys. you were good for each other in the sense that you needed to be in an intimate relationship with this person to finally see yourself more clearly. That is the gift of failed relationships, all relationships, really, but especially the wrong ones. Exactly. So look, keep doing this amazing work. Try not to fixate too much on the end result here, especially with your ex. You're on a journey now. It's a very important journey. It's leading you somewhere good as long as you're growing and learning.

What to do about your ex? Eh, that'll be coming. clear on its own, I promise you there. But focus on your process and trust that it's leading you to the right place. Hang in there, bud. You got this. You know, Gabe, it's really tempting after a breakup. You resolve some conflict with yourself, get your own stuff together. And then you're like, aha, that was the only problem in the relationship. Maybe I should try to get back together because you want to kind of close the loop, right? And you're like, I can make it good. Yes. And you forget that like maybe the other person was also screwed up and didn't do exactly what you did when you broke up because your come to Jesus moment or whatever you want to call it was them

just staying angry for four straight months. Or it's easier to take all of this growth back into this old relationship that you know exists because it's harder to picture bringing it to some new abstract person who doesn't yet exist. Yeah, although I have to say every time I break up with somebody I'm like, wow, I've learned so many things that I'm never going to do again. Like why rebuild all these things that you screwed up? Just start fresh. It's so much easier. Come on, man. You're young. It's different when you're like 45 and you're trying to repair your marriage, right? It's different. When you're young, it's like, uh, hit that reset button. Do it as many times as you can. That is a good point. But also, it so depends on the spirit of the two people involved. I mean, if she said, wow, we messed up and I

learned some things in the last month and I would love to talk about them with you. And he's like, me too. And then they both wanted to become better people. That's a different situation. But that's just not what's happening. No. It's very disconcerting when one partner's like, I'm going to blame all of this on the other person. And I'm going to do it in public. It's like, wow, you are not. You are not emotionally ready to be in any relationship, let alone back with the guy that you're now saying abused you? Like, holy smokes. That is correct. You can reach us Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use a descriptive subject line that makes our job a lot easier. If your stepdad's got your nudes,

your abusive ex was nearly murdered by his girlfriend and you want to reach out, or your psychiatrist tried to seduce you and you're not sure whether to report him to the authorities. Whatever's got you staying up at night lately. Hit us up Friday at Jordan Harbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. When you stack stuff up like that, doesn't it sound like this show is 100% psychos only? I was about to say when you started chuckling, I was like, we're not laughing because those things are funny. We're laughing because all of these things happen in the real world and they end up in our inbox

one after the other. When you don't take 12 minutes for each one and you just stack one sentence after the end, like the list of topics is just, this isn't real. And yet. And yet, what's the next thing out of the mailbag? Hello, Jordan and Gabriel. A few years ago, my brother and I received a sum of money from the sale of our family's cottage and maternal home.

While I was very grateful, I kept thinking, this isn't my money, as those properties were purchased because of the hard work of my dad and the love of our mom. I wanted to do something positive with the funds to help my community and honor my father, so I decided to give a substantial donation to a local cross-country ski club in the small community where I live. It felt right, because when my family moved here 20 years ago, the ski club was instrumental. in connecting us with some of our closest friends today, a place for our kids to enjoy sports and develop into good humans,

and a place for my wife and me to thrive in the outdoors. I've asked the club's president to keep my donation anonymous, and he's honored the request. But now I'm wondering whether I should put my name or my dad's name out there at some point. My community is small, everyone knows everyone, and because of the relatively high-profile jobs I've had and community projects that I've been a part of, a lot of people here know me.

I say this in the most positive way. It's been enriching to be so integrated into our community. But if my name does get out there, I worry that it'll change how people interact with me and my family. You know, being called the rich family, being asked for more donations, being expected to always pay for coffee, etc. Of course, I might be totally overblowing this and people will just say thanks and move on or not even care. Should I keep this donation anonymous? Can I still honor my dad if I do? signed Honor My Pops by making a name drop or keep it in a black box so no one crops up

treating us like a damn gift shop. Interesting question. Well, by the way, thanks for not putting a total psycho one in a row because I was like, oh, God, I don't know if I can handle this now. Look, kudos to your parents for working so hard in giving you this legacy. I think it's a real gift, no pun intended. And I think it's nice that you wanted to turn it into something that other people could enjoy. Give back to the institution that gave you so much over the years.

So I got to say, I can understand why you'd want to remain anonymous for these somewhat self-interested reasons. I think this is one of the reasons donors give anonymously in many cases, to lower their wealth profile, to avoid scrutiny, in addition to the more, quote-unquote, noble reasons, like keeping the focus on the cause, not making it about them. So you're not crazy to want to keep your name on the DL, and you're well within your rights to do so if slapping your family name on the new dining room at the ski club would suddenly make everyone look at you differently or worse make you some kind of target or make you vaguely

uncomfortable whenever somebody orders hot cocoa in the cafeteria and takes a little too long reaching for their wallet while giving you that knowing look like what prices have gone up on the cocoa huh but then you give up the opportunity to honor your dad publicly anyway because look you're still honoring him if you keep the donation anonymous you're just honoring him privately in your own family but i also understand why you feel like you're giving up a chance to to really celebrate his name and keep his legacy alive. So this comes down to which upsides you want and which tradeoffs you can accept.

For example, if you keep the donation anonymous, will you be frustrated and feel like you're not fully honoring your dad every time you see the plaque on the dining room wall that doesn't list his name? Or will you look at it, smile fondly, order your hot chocolate, the only one you had to pay for that day, and feel that he's, you know, alive in your heart?

Yeah, that's a good question. Or consider the other scenario. You do make the donation public, and people do look at you differently. And yeah, maybe sometimes they do kind of expect you to pick up the check. Although, honestly, I don't know how likely that scenario is. I feel like that particular fear might be a little overblown. I agree.

People will probably be pretty respectful. And it's like, I already gave $100 grand to the ski club. I'm not paying for your cocoa gym. Get your own marshmallows. But let's say you do go that route. Will you be willing to deal with some of the visibility and some of the social pressure? Because, you know, it's just the price you pay for honoring your dad publicly. Can you maybe find some ways to handle it that make it less burdensome?

For example, maybe you learn how to say no gracefully when other organizations hit you up for donations. Maybe you learn how to draw stronger boundaries and you know that that is okay to do. Look, maybe you even say, hey, I appreciate the request. I would love to help. I just don't have any more money to give right now. That is totally fair. What I'm really getting at is, I wonder if going public with this donation feels more

fraught because you don't have the tools to handle these new conversations. yet and these new feelings that it brings up. Maybe you could learn to develop those tools along the way and then going public won't be as bad as you think. And you can honor your dad without paying as high of a price. Yeah, that's a good point, Gabe. That might change the equation a bit. There is one other reason to make the donation public,

which is you might inspire other people to donate to. Maybe that's less important at a cross-country ski club, more important for, you know, like the Red Cross or whatever. But sometimes going public inspires other people to give too, which is another upside to consider. So ultimately, both decisions are perfectly legit, and this is just a personal choice. My advice is to consider which upsides you want to enjoy

and which downsides you can and cannot tolerate and see if you can find ways to minimize or cope with the downsides, to Gabe's point. Also, not the worst thing in the world if you pay for people's coffee now and again because you feel guilted into it. I really don't think that's going to happen very often, but that could also be a way to integrate

even more into the community and the dividends of having those relationships. that's going to be bigger than the 275 for the Americana. All right, I promise you that. Really cool that you're honoring your dad and being so thoughtful about this. Good luck. And, you know, you could always tell people

that it wasn't your money you donated, but it was your dad's, and he's since passed. If people still press you after that to donate to their thing, they're just being an A-hole. Really? Do you want to let A-holes control what your dad does with his dying legacy?

I mean, it doesn't make sense to me to do that. My two cents. You know who definitely is trying to get their hands on your money? though. The amazing sponsors that support this show. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and you found our advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and considerate listeners do, which is take a moment and support one of our amazing sponsors, or more than one for that matter. To learn more and get links to all the discounts you hear on the show, Jordan Harbinger.com

slash deals is where you can find it. Or you can email me, Jordan at Jordan Harbinger.com. If you're super lazy, I'll dig up the code for you. Sometimes people can't remember what the mattress sponsor was or what that one thing was called. I don't mind servicing that. It is very important to use those codes and support the show. And thank you for supporting those who support us. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, next up.

Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm 32 and my brother is 43. Our mother had COPD as well as many other conditions and recently had a heart attack. She was put on a ventilator and they were able to get her heart restarted. When she regained consciousness a few days later, she and the doctors spoke of end-of-life care. My mother gave me power of attorney and chose hospice care over a procedure that would leave her in a state facility.

She stayed in hospice for a week, family flew into visit, she said her goodbyes, hugged everyone, and left in peace. Oh man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's tough. During that time, my brother only visited once or twice, while my cousins and I were there every day. The family told me that my brother and my aunt were just doing drugs together instead of visiting. So he's really lost in this addiction.

Your aunt too. I'm assuming this is your mom's sister. They should have been visiting for sure. It's so sad. Now, days before the funeral, my brother is telling everybody that I killed his mom. He wanted her to get the surgery to stay in a facility. I try to explain to him that that's not what she wanted,

but he was too busy getting high to know that. Now he plans to start a scene at the funeral. How do I resolve this? signed a grieving son stunned and trying not to come undone after being accused of taking out our mom. This is such a sad story, man. Again, I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye to your mom. I'm very sorry that you're dealing with your brother

and his addiction on top of it. He's got to be in a lot of pain, even more with your mom's death. And the drugs are, well, in addition to something he does all the time, also one of his ways of coping with it. So it sounds like they've done a real number on him. He can't really process any of this. He can't think straight.

So trying to explain to him that this is what your mom wanted. It's next to impossible. So let's start by acknowledging the obvious, which is you haven't done anything wrong. You honored your mom's wishes. You accepted the responsibility of the power of attorney. And you spent a ton of time with her before she passed away, which is a real gift for both of you. Now, I don't get the sense that you have any conflict about that. But just in case you do, because I know talking to a sick person can make you second-guess yourself and your own sanity,

I just want to go on the record and say, again, you haven't done anything wrong. And your mom was lucky to have you taken care of her, especially in this family. Now, about your brother. I feel for you there on a number of levels. It's hard to deal with the chaotic family member when you're also trying to grieve. It's hurtful, it's upsetting, and it's very tragic to watch a sibling spin out. It sucks you have to worry about him causing a scene at the funeral. when all you should have to do

is focus on honoring your mom. But I'm not sure you can resolve this. It's not your problem to resolve. Your brother is confused. He's angry and he ultimately needs to work through these feelings and his addiction on his own or with professional help. This might be a situation in the short term anyway,

certainly on the day of the funeral, where you need to just manage him and minimize his chaos. So on a practical level, what that means is staying very calm, very neutral, being diplomatic with him at the funeral, which might actually be really hard if he starts a scene, but it's essential that you don't escalate this into a fight or that you don't let it escalate into a fight. And if he does get into it with you, I would tell him as best you can

that you guys can argue about your mom later, but that the funeral is a chance for you guys to honor your mom. So let's not fight. Let's make it all about mom today. And we can deal with this later. I would also give the other mourners a heads up that he might cause a scene so they're not surprised. And I would assign a couple friends or family members, ideally some strong ones, maybe that weird cousin who's like way too into juditsu and ask them to keep an eye on your brother. And if he gets belligerent, they can help you calm him down or they can even escort him out of the room if necessary. Because if everyone knows like, okay, he might start something. Then if something happens and you two are going at it a little bit, people aren't like, wait,

what happened? Let's see if we can evaluate the situation. They're like, oh, I see. Tim is losing his mind. We predicted this would happen. And then they're all on your side at the jump. Totally agree. It's so sad, but your brother is in his own little universe right now, created by the drugs. And until he's ready to get better, and I hope you can help him get there one day, but until he's ready to get better, it might be impossible to have a rational conversation about your mom. So you just have to stay really connected to your compassion for him on the day. But also, any outburst from your brother is going to be an expression of his grief. So you might have to let him melt down to some degree and just bear the tension of that. It happens. Yeah, I think you're right. And if you're worried about the perception people are going to have, if your brother starts screaming, you killed mom, you bastard. I think you're okay there too. Most people are going to know your brother is an addict and he's not all there.

It sounds like this is not a secret, secret, but like an open thing where people know. They're going to know that this outburst is just another way that he's screwing up his life and screwing up all of his relationships. I don't think anyone is going to hear him melt down at a funeral, his mom's funeral, and be like, you know what? The guy doing lines off the mortuary bathroom TP dispenser is right. They should have forced her to get a surgery she didn't want. That is a good point.

I don't mean to make light of it. It's incredibly tragic. It only makes him just look like an even more out-of-control mess. Not you. Again, I am very sorry that you are going through this. I'm so sorry about your mom. This is more than you should have to handle right now. But you obviously have a great capacity for love and responsibility,

and I know those qualities will help you make it through the day. Your mom was very lucky to have you taken care of her at the end. sending you and your family a big hug and wishing you and your brother all the best. Before we wrap up here, we got a really cool email from a listener that we wanted to share with you all, not just because it makes us look really good, but because it contains some awesome gems that I think we could all use a reminder of. Gabe, you want to read that for us? Yeah, for sure.

So the letter goes, dear Gabe and Jordan, props to Gabe, who always gets listed second. Okay, for the record, that's the only part of this email that I don't like. It's called the Jordan Harbinger show, folks, not the K. Benito show with Gabe Mizrahi featuring Jordan Harbinger. Don't get it twisted. Wow. Feeling a little delicate today, bud? I mean, I'm kidding mostly. My ego around this is obviously very fragile. Yeah, I could see that. Carry on, Gabe, who deserves to be listed second so I can feel secure and important. We'll do. I want to thank you for two pieces of advice from your podcasts that sound like cliches, but really have been a tremendous helpful. to me recently. Seven years ago, I was working at one of the leading firms in my industry in a senior position. One day out of the blue, I got a call from the CEO of another firm, a guy I've known,

liked, and respected for 15 years who was looking for someone to come in and help with some important stuff at his company. After some thought and a couple of bad days in my job, I took the chance and made the move. Huge mistake. Fast forward seven years and the company wasn't doing as well as we had hoped. I got the inevitable call. Earlier this year, my position was eliminated. Piece of advice number one, dig the well before you need it. Yep, there it is. Never fails. Yes. The ancient wisdom passed down to us from the elders.

Agreed. He goes on, Thank goodness I've made sure to keep in touch with lots of people over the years. Thank goodness I've attended industry conferences as often as I could. Thank goodness that when colleagues have lost their jobs or changed their jobs, I never refused to help or act as a reference. Thank goodness that that well was very, very deep when I needed it. So this is amazing, man. I love this.

You're a poster child for six minute networking. Well done. Piece of advice number two, get off the X. Okay. Sorry to interrupt. I just have to jump in here and say, when I first read that, I did think he meant get off Twitter. Yeah, so did I.

Which is... It's also not bad advice. Exactly. It's also good. It's not what he meant, but it's probably a good move anyway. Well, the letter goes on. In other words, get off the X as in move. Don't wallow and self-pity. Cry, but start running while you cry. Okay, right. So this is actually a huge one for me. You might have heard this one when I talked about losing my old show. I had a week or two of just

freaking out, wallowing and self-pity until my wife and my old producer and a few other friends came to me and they were like, look, man, you're allowed to be sad. But you have to keep moving forward. You can rebuild and be sad at the same time. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten. Yes, the parallel processing. It's great. So he goes on, before I called my wife to tell her the news, I had already called or texted eight people in my industry.

By the end of that day, I had contacted more than 50. The next day, I contacted 50 more. Wow, truly beast mode. I love it. People I had helped were coming out of the woodwork to call me. One former colleague even contacted the CEO at another firm, a company I would work for in a heartbeat and left him the message, so-and-so just got pushed out and is available.

You need to hire him today because he won't still be on the market on Monday. That CEO called me an hour later and we started to discuss an opportunity. That didn't work out, but it gave me hope. This is absolutely amazing. The fact that somebody would go to bat for you in that way and in such a bold and inspiring way, it's just awesome. Super proud Uncle Jordan over here. In the end, it took about four months for me to find something,

that fit me well, but wow, it's a fantastic position. I've been trying to land in a spot like this for the last decade, a slightly different part of the same industry I've been in where I can really build my skill set, where I have major leadership opportunities, and where I think I will be really happy and successful. So thank you for the great advice. Thanks for the great podcasts to keep my mind busy while I tried to stay sane during my period of unemployment. And a special thank you to everyone who helped me, but especially M for all of the help with ideas and contacts, and a very, very special thank you to A for being there every minute I needed you for the last several months. Signed, a guy who made it through hell and wants to Kvel about refusing to dwell

and dig in that well. Nice. For anybody who doesn't know what Dvell means, it's a Yiddish word for like feeling proud, right, Gabe? Yeah, exactly. I thought since this guy basically cast us as his Jewish uncles, given him business advice, you know, I would sprinkle in a little, gentle speak in there. I'm into it. Something about Yiddish really captures certain concepts so well. Kvel, I'm Kvelling over here. You've got to fan yourself when you say that. Anyway, I don't have a ton to add here, except now I'm Kvelling over this guy. He put it perfectly. His story is just a classic case study in what happens when you actually do this stuff. A lot of people write me and they're like, yeah, I know your old relationships are everything, philosophy. It's interesting.

But I don't know if it's really going to work for me. I don't know if I'll ever really need it. And then you hear a story like this and it's like, uh, yeah, you need it. And this stuff definitely works. Obviously, relationships are only as fruitful as you make them in the way that you nurture them and you invest in the people around you. There's no substitute for being generous and thoughtful and being a good person. But it's amazing what happens when you take your network and your relationships seriously. This guy obviously brought a lot of value to people's lives along the way. And when he hit a crisis, and we all will at some point, he had this incredible machine already built that went to work for him. So big ups to you, my dude, well done on running

with what you learned on the show. We're very happy to have played a role in all this. Super proud of you for lending a job you're psyched about and that you've been aiming at for 10 years. That is really exciting. And they're lucky to have you. You're going to crush it. Good luck. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everybody who wrote in and everybody who listened, as always. Normally, this is the part where I make a six-minute networking plug, but I think that last letter is probably all the advertising that we need. The course is free. It's not gross.

It's not schmoozy. Yada yada. Thinkific platform. Jordan Harbinger.com slash course. Dig that well. Be like the guy who just wrote in. Not the other guy who emailed me last week going. I just got fired.

I'm totally lost. How do I always start meeting people? It's a no-brainer, guys. You just got to think ahead. It's almost like dig the well before you get thirsty. I don't know. Have we mentioned that ever on this show? Sounds vaguely familiar.

I don't know. Start now. Jordanharbinger. com slash course. If you haven't signed up yet, also our newsletter has relaunched. Relatively recently, last six months, it's called We Bit Wiser. Basically, it's a bite-sized gem from a past episode from me to you, delivered to your inbox

once a week. So if you want to keep up with the wisdom from our 900-plus episodes and apply it to your life, I invite you to come check it out. You can sign up at Jordan Harbinger.com slash news. Some people are like, I'm not getting it. You do have to click confirm, and if you've done that and you're still not getting the newsletter, email me. I'm happy to help. There's been some people who are tagged as like risky. It's funny, because I don't know how that's happening, but maybe you were mean to other people who had newsletters, I don't know. But I'm happy to help there. Don't forget the episode with Mike Kelland about fixing our atmosphere using the ocean if he haven't done so yet. Oh, and by the way, if you're on Reddit, you can join the Jordan Harbinger

show subreddit. Not a very big thing going on pretty new. I check in there. Occasionally people talk about episodes. If you use Reddit, check out the Jordan Harbinger Show subreddit. Show notes and transcripts at Jordan Harbinger.com. Advertisers, deals, discounts, ways to support the show, all at Jordan Harbinger.com. I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn. Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi or on Twitter at Gabe Mizrahi. If you want to quell about the show and whatnot.

This show is created in association with Podcast 1. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogart, Ian Baird, Millio Campo, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice and opinions are our own. I'm a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So I would consult a real expert before implementing anything you hear on the show. Just my final piece of advice. Remember, we rise by lifting others.

Share the show with those you love, and if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn, and we'll see you next time. Ever find yourself trapped in a cycle of always wanting more,

never feeling content? You're about to hear a preview of the Jordan Harbinger show where Scarcity Brain author Michael Easter unravels the mysteries of our primal drives and how they can be both our downfall and our salvation. I'm an investigative journalist, but I firmly believe that to understand a story, to understand all the mechanics of it, to get the information that you need to really tell a story, you have to go in person. Sometimes I get to go to the nice, shiny, comfortable labs where they bring me coffee

and it's, you know, at Harvard or whatever, but some days you find yourself in Iraq in a prison looking at cells of drug dealers and terrorists, but ultimately I think that going there makes you get a better story, makes a story more interesting, and get you better information to really understand it. Everyone knows that everything is fine in moderation. So then the question is, well, why do we all suck so bad at it? People keep eating when they're full. We often find ourselves shopping when we already own a ton of stuff. We scroll through social media or keep binging news when we know it's not necessarily improving our mental health. When you think about how humans evolved, everything we needed to survive in the past, it was all scarce and it was all hard to find,

right? So everything from food to possessions, to information, even influence and status. the number of people we could influence. All hard to find, all scarce. And we lived like that for basically two and a half million years. And it wasn't until very recently, in the grand scheme of time, that we started to get abundance of all these things that were sort of built to crave. So in the past, it always made sense to eat more food than you needed

if you had the opportunity, to hoard items, to try and get as much information as you can, just keep seeking information. All that would give you a survival advantage. And then our environment split, and now we have an abundance of it. all this stuff, and we're still compelled to just consume and consume all the stuff. For more about our insatiable desires and how to harness them for good, tune into episode

902. This episode is sponsored in part by What Was That Like Podcast? If you're looking for a new show to add to your rotation, something that'll make you stop mid-dishwashing and go, wait, what, that actually happened? You got to subscribe to What Was That Like? It's real people telling the most surreal moments of their lives, and they're not just giving you the highlights. They're walking you through it from the inside as the person who actually lived it, which means you're basically getting a front row seat to the chaos. One episode is about Scott getting locked up in a foreign jail for a crime he didn't commit. Sure, Scott. Another is Sue's parachute failing. Wow, I'm surprised she was around to tell that story. And then there's

Michael who was stabbed on a bus, which makes your commute instantly feel a little bit more relaxing. Do what you think? So if you want to hear some wild and inspiring firsthand stories, I invite you to check out what was that like. Every story is verified. Their site even has photos so you know even the most bizarre stuff you're hearing is somebody's real life. Listen to what was that like on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or whatever app you're using right now? This episode is sponsored in part by Something You Should Know podcast. Finding a new great podcast shouldn't be this hard, so let me save you some time. If you like the Jordan Harbinger show, you'll probably like Something You Should Know with Mike Carruthers.

It's one of those shows that makes you smarter in a practical, useful way. Same curiosity vibe we go for here, just in a fast, focused format. Mike brings on top experts and asks the exact questions that you'd want to ask, and the topics are all over the place in the best way. recently they've covered things like why we care so much what other people think the benefits of laughter why sports fans get so invested and what makes people

like you or not the through line is always the same smart ideas you can actually use in real life something you should know has been featured in Apple's shows we love and it's got thousands of five-star reviews because it's consistently interesting so if you want another show that scratches that I want to understand how people in the world

really work itch search for something you should know wherever you get your podcasts look for the bright yellow light bulb and start listening. You can thank me later.