The Josh Innes Show - Bizarre Car Ride With My Dad

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

My dad drove Jilly and I to the airport on Tuesday. It was a bizarre ride that included multiple random phone calls. The full story is here. Let me know how crazy your family is. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Howdy, Jamokes! How are ya, Josh and Jilly? I went to the park today to shoot baskets because I'm physically fit and active and went to Walmart and bought myself a basketball and then went to the park and look, I'm not making excuses, but shooting baskets outside is hard. But I decided I was going to shoot 50 free throws.

I made 26 of them. And now you'll bitch all day tomorrow that you're sore. I'm bitching right now that I'm sore. My shoulders are quite sore. Basketballs are heavier than I remember. Great. This is already started. I accidentally, I was about to check out and I had a 28, I had a girls' ball.

I had the 28.5 instead of the 29.5. And I was really looking at it now. I wish that I just would have bought the 28.5 girls' ball. But, yeah, I'm out there. They built some basketball hoops and stuff at one of these nice parks here. So I went. It was a controversial thing, actually, because this is like Forest Park is what it's called. And it's like this really big, sprawling city park, which I believe is the second largest in the country.

It's huge. It's where the World's Fair took place in 1904, where the ice cream cone was invented, st louis world's fair the st louis world's fair of 1904 was also the backdrop for a movie musical starring judy garland called meet me in st louis meet me in st louis louis meet me at the fair clang clang clang went the trolley ding ding ding went the bell zing zing zing with my heart okay point being in all of this is that i went there and there was controversy in building these basketball courts because the politicians have said that all of the activities that they have courts and set up for at this park are racist because there was no basketball court because apparently the only sport that young black people or black people at all can play is basketball uh because they have tennis courts they have like racquetball courts

which apparently is still a thing like not like you know elvis's racquetball court but you know like an outdoor racquetball court they've got uh what do they call that not paddle ball what do they call it pickleball they got pickleball courts they've got soccer fields they got everything but they didn't have basketball goals which i get being a dumb thing like why the hell don't you have a couple of basketball hoops but the idea was at least according to the politicians that if you put basketball hoops or whatever the the politicians sold it as the city didn't build basketball hoops because they tried to keep a certain element away that they consider riffraff and so they built basketball goals and they're decent basketball

goals that's a good to talk to get into is about the kind of hoops that you have at parks because I was over in Illinois as well and I was shooting baskets over there. They had the double hung rims, you know, where it's basically two rims and it's almost impossible to make a basket there. So then I went to Forest Park, which is in the city of St. Louis, and these were much better goals. They only had like the one rim,

the basket, they weren't like glass backboards or anything, but they were nice. And, you know, I went out there and I said, I'm going to just shoot some jumpers. I'm knocking down shots, you know, I'm a G and then I'm like, I'm going to shoot free throws. And I started just shooting 10. The reason I shot so poorly is my first, uh, 10, I was two of 10, so I missed eight, but then I got hot and finished decent. I shot slightly over 50% from the free throw line. So, but yeah, I don't know why I felt compelled to do that today.

I'm just like, I want to shoot baskets. This is what I do. I've been hitting golf balls for a while. I've gotten sort of bored hitting golf balls. Like now I'm tired of going to the driving range. I just want to go play golf, but I have no one to golf with. And. Just like join a crew.

Well, not really. It's not like that. Like, I mean, you can, if I showed up and I'm like, a crew well not really it's not like that like i mean you can if i showed up and i'm like i got a single here and then they'd be like what do you want to get on with steve and bill they got a twosome here but i don't like to golf with people i don't know because it gives me a complex and then like i'm like they're judging me and then what if they find out that i'm the guy that was on the radio then they're judging me even more because not only am i the fired guy from the radio laid off guy from the radio i'm also the laid off guy from the radio. Then they're judging me even more because not only am I the fired guy from the radio, laid off guy from the radio, I'm also the laid off guy from the radio that sucks at golf

and it puts extra pressure on me that I don't want. Hell, I have enough pressure playing golf with people I know. When I used to play golf with my buddy Matt in Baton Rouge, he's the most judgmental dickhead on the planet. So like I'd feel fucked in the head playing golf with him. Imagine playing golf with some assholes you never met and I've had to do that. It's weird. Uh, me and Spencer, who for Philly people used to work on the radio. And I say for Philly people, you have no idea who works on the radio in Wilmington, but you might cause you're wackos, but it was on the radio in Wilmington in Delaware. And, um, we went to golf one day and they're like, Hey, it's a Saturday morning. We're kind of booked up here. Do you want to join these two guys?

And I'm like, no. We're like, yeah, we will. And that was the day I broke all the clubs in my bag and went to buy new ones. So they got to watch me do that, though. They had to watch me play terrible and then take every club out of my bag, tin cup it, break them all in half over my knee, and say we're going to fucking Golf Galaxy. You should text Scott.

He got laid off, too. You guys can go together. Well, the difference between me and Scott is that Scott is actually doing other jobs. Oh, okay. Unlike you. Unlike me. I'm getting paid to do nothing for a while, so I'm taking advantage of my opportunity to do nothing. To do basically nothing except hit golf balls and shoot free throws poorly at the park.

So that's how the day has gone earlier. And the podcast got up way late. So I'm sure nobody got to take advantage of this, but the, the system worked out today, yesterday, or on the podcast earlier, I told you that when a team clenches a division or,

or has a champagne celebration, you take them the opposite. The next day you take the team that's playing them the next day and um so Seattle beat the shit out of the Astros it was actually a relatively close game when Kikuchi was in there they were up one nothing I think in the top of the sixth and then a couple of runs here a couple of runs there third baseman that they had in there just throwing balls all over the place I mean he was terrible I was listening to the game while I was shooting free throws. And, uh, I mean, he was awful, but they also pulled Bregman. They didn't play Tucker. They didn't play anybody really. So it was a perfect storm set up to take, uh, Seattle.

Cause Seattle is technically still alive. It's not in the division and, uh, they won eight to one. So that, uh, the system played out there. The system also played out last night with the Phillies just getting the shit kicked out of them too. So that was against the Cubs. So the system is, and I don't think there's, well, I guess there's maybe a couple of opportunities still. Actually, no, because by the time like a Kansas City clinches or somebody else, it'll probably be like the last day of the year. So I don't know if there's any more opportunities that you're going to have to cash in on that, but it's a solid strategy.

The strategy, the system is take the team, go against the team that just clenched because they had a champagne celebration. Sparky was getting wet. What I did hear, speaking of Sparky, is I heard him tell the story about how he ended up with these wacky, this romper. The overalls were great so he said that he saw like by the way sparky has become such a fucking great broadcaster and i'm not a big robert ford guy i think he's kind of boring just kind of bland but the broadcast is actually a really good broadcast i think it's exponentially better

than the television broadcast but i'm also very anti-blummer. So it is what it is. He's got more of a condescending, smug smirk about him all the time. And he hit a game-winning home run for the White Sox. You're a fraud against the Astros. You're a fraud. But I think Sparky is so fucking good. And he's become a solid play-by-play guy. He's just good and calm on the air, but he knows when to get excited. He tells great stories. Sparky is really freaking good um but he was telling the story about how we ended up in this wacky romper like basically it was a romper it was overalls it was like overall shorts but kind of a romper and uh he says like one day he's you know watching a game and down by the dugout there were some dudes wearing like the kind of rainbow overalls so he calls the guy that runs all the merchandise for the Astros.

He says, how do I get these? He goes, well, do you want the long pants or do you want the shorts? And he says, which one do you think would be more obnoxious? Yes. And he wore this romper into the locker room, into the clubhouse last night for the celebration. And God, he's fucking good, man. I was laughing my balls off at that.

And there's those shooting baskets, listening to the Astros game. And you know, what's funny is they've got this series coming up with the Indians and like neither team has any incentive to win it at this point. I don't believe. Neither. Not a one.

So it is a throwaway series. The big concern is whether or not you're going to have Jordan. If Jordan doesn't play, I mean, you might be able to win. I mean, technically Cleveland can still get the best record depending on what the Yankees do. Yes. But with how many games are left? Three?

Four? Let's see. So there's four games left for the Indians. But here's the problem. I say the Indians. Fuck. The Guard Indians. I say the Indians. Fuck. The Guard Indians. I swear I'm not racist.

The Guard Indians are also two back in the loss column. So they're really one and a half games back with four to play. And the Astros can't do anything. No, they're the third. Their games are already set. It's going to be Tuesday, Wednesday, and then, if necessary, Thursday. And they're all at home. And they're going to play either Kansas City

or it could be Kansas City, it could be Detroit, which I'm really rooting for. And there's another one in there too, technically. The Twins and the Mariners are both two games out, so it's probably going to be Detroit or Kansas City. Yeah, so we'll see how that plays out tonight. But anyway, I hope it's Detroit

and I hope they sweep Detroit. And I talked about this in the earlier podcast, but I just don't give a shit. Like all this, the guy, our buddy Jim Costa in Detroit's like, oh, it could be a redemption series for A.J. Hinch. A.J. Hinch couldn't stop the fucking cheating. A.J. Hinch got another job when Jeff Luno, the guy that built the damn team, couldn't get another job. Shut up about redemption for A.J. Hinch got another job when Jeff Luno, the guy that built the damn team, couldn't get another job. Shut up about redemption for A.J. Hinch.

He made his own freaking bed due to his inaction. Deal with it. I hope he gets his ass kicked in that series. I hope the series happens. Then I hope he gets his ass kicked. Might have been the last home game for Bregman in the regular season because he may be gone at the end of the year. They pulled him in the fourth inning. They let him go out on on the field then they make the switch to let him run off the

field people give him an ovation that was a cool moment for him um it's wild because he is kind of like one of the two you know remaining the last of the Elm Street children with him and Altuve like of that original World Series run they're like I guess you can kind of count Verlander, but he may not even be on the postseason roster this year. Honestly, at least for the first round, I don't think he should. I mean, he's been terrible, bless his heart. And look, I love him that much that I'm willing to say bless his heart for him because he's my guy.

I'm a Verlander guy. If it's the Tigers, you know he's going to want to. God, that would be fucking sweet. But like, I don't think you can trust that. I don't think that's something you can do. I mean, you've got guys. I mean, you've got two dudes that are locks to pitch, and that's Fromber and Kikuchi.

They're locks. This is the first time they've lost a Kikuchi start today. I think 10. Like, they're 10-1 or 11-1 or something like that in his starts. But, like, obviously those two guys are locks. Now, the hope is you win the first two in the third game doesn't matter then when you make it to the next round and you're probably going to start potentially you're going to need three or four starters maybe then Verlander I think kind of comes back into play and it's debatable because he is legendary

uh you know you you the problem with Verlander at this point is we're operating on what was and not what is. And he's still, I mean, he's not 100%. I think he's even admitted that. He's tried to rush back from this injury, and obviously it's not going as planned. And that's the key, too. Like, he's not been the same guy due in part to injury, probably in large part to injury. There is no reason for that dude at this point to be pitching.

Like, I get that he's Verlander. I get that he wants to do it. This is why you brought him back was to pitch in these kind of situations. But he hadn't been the same dude. So I don't think it's going to come down to needing Verlander in the first round. That's the hope that, you know, you just win the first two. And those first two would be Kikuchi and Fromber. Fromber getting game one, I would assume.

And then you win those two and see where it goes from there. But yeah, it's a tough putt there. And it's so wild to say that after, you know, we got the deal done in 2017, me and Jeff, we got the deal done. We brought Verlander in and he was huge for the team. Fun time. But yeah, that's kind of the end of the road here with these guys. If Bregman's gone, it's basically – and I don't think Verlander's back next year at this point. That could be one of those scenarios where he goes back Pujol style, goes to Detroit for one year and closes it out like that. Actually, I saw some guys on the internet, a couple of people I saw debating, is Verlander the greatest Astros pitcher of all time?

And I'd say it's certainly a case to be made. People get their hard-ons for Nolan Ryan and shit, but Nolan Ryan never had to pitch in nearly as many big games as Verlander has, due in large part to the fact that only two teams made the playoffs when he was a player. Therefore, he didn't get too many playoff games. So whatever. I'd say Verlander's probably my guy too.

But it's interesting. People were asking whether or not he would go into the Hall of Fame as a Tiger or an Astro, and I would assume a Tiger because they have this bond with the Tigers. They never won the World Series with him, but they went twice. I don't know. He's just got this tie to Detroit. His entrance music is Eminem. He is a Detroit dude. I guess we'll burn that bridge when we get there and give a shit about that when it happens but um we were in Baton Rouge over the weekend and my dad wants us to go to Memphis with him for Thanksgiving so we're probably going to do that because well I don't even tell oh did we talk about the cracked windshield when we were hammered on Monday I think so all I know is somebody sent me a message that said something about like a large cockroach and I'm like, oh yeah, we did see it. We did see that, yep. So we had a crack in our windshield in our rental car

and didn't have the insurance for it because we didn't get the coverage. I don't think anybody ever gets the coverage. No, nobody does, and most of the time, 99 out of 100 times, nothing happens. Nothing's ever happened for us. I've probably rented 100 rental cars in my life. Not once have I needed that coverage.

And then here it is we get a rock hits the windshield big crack in the front of it so now we we're more than likely at least gonna have to pay 500 bucks so i'm like i can't fly back to baton rouge and spend money to go to baton rouge for thanksgiving i'm now afraid to rent a car especially in baton rouge so i'm not doing it right now dude when we pulled up to the rental car place, somebody else was there with a cracked windshield as well. Baton Rouge, it's like a war zone as it relates to objects hitting windshields in rental cars. So dad's like, well, we're going to Memphis to the Peabody.

And I'm like, well, fuck it. At this point, I'm not going to turn down that free excursion. And that's fancy pants, too. That's like $ 150 per person type stuff yep so we're going to have you're gonna have to put on pants i know that's what nice pants not jeans i know i'm gonna have to look i've got my my wedding outfit that we wore to alexandria paladino's wedding so i'll just have to put on those pants again they're just chinos but i'll put them on but so we're gonna go do that with my dad. And, you know, dad drove us to the airport.

The one thing about going to – He, too, has a crack in his windshield. From a rock. As does Cindy. Yeah, the Zeppelins, they all have it. Okay, so let's talk a little bit about this, about our weekend here. Because my dad's always all about us coming to visit. And he's like, come see your daddy, Josh.

We'll hang out, whatever. First of all, this time around, dad wasn't even in town until the day before we left he was doing some comic con in florida or some such shit so he wasn't even there the zeppelins wasn't there she was in georgia with her family so it was just me jilly and their fucking dogs one of which is probably on its last legs that poor fat bastard that bulldog is struggling and then whatever. So we're there with their dogs. My sister Emily went to what would feed the dog sometimes too. So my dad is never engaged with any of

these conversations. He wanted to take us to dinner on Monday night. So we go to Pluckers which the Pluckers in Baton Rouge has fallen off 1000%. The service was bad. The TVs were terribly loud. The beers took forever to get to us it had a smell it had a smell about it it disappointed me how bad the pluckers was there and then we went

to walk-ons to watch the second half of the monday night games and that was a much more pleasant experience but so we're there with my dad the second we sit down with my dad he pulls out his phone and he just starts watching reels, which that's what you do. I like reels, but I tend to at least engage with the reels and show people. And then like, we talk about the reel. My dad basically just laughed to himself with the reels he was watching and

then started reading some random story that popped up on his Facebook about Tim McGraw and politics and proceeds to read the entire thing out loud, but never gets to the point of the story and then moves on to something else. Like my dad is difficult to hang out with because if I'm like, I'm on my phone a lot and I'm doing shit, but my dad doesn't have the ability to be on his phone and be engaged in a conversation with you. Like he cannot do it and he doesn't care. That's the other thing about my dad is he does not give two fucks about anybody else that's sitting at the table.

Like anytime we've ever gone out to eat with him, he's either locked into his phone or he's having a panic attack. These are the two things that happen when you go to eat dinner with my dad. So if we don't have anybody else to talk to, we're just talking to each other. Usually Cindy will be there or my sister

and we'll all kind of talk and whatever dad does not give a fuck about anybody else in the conversation he's like he wants you to come eat with him and then has no interest that you're fucking there does not care so we sit there the food sucked it was hot the uh the beers took forever to get to us so we left pluck Pluckers, whatever, day over. We did the podcast. You heard it. So dad had to pick us up at the rental car place the next day to take us to the airport to catch our flight. So in his, hey, I'll give him credit. He was early to pick us up. We get in his truck. He's got a badass Chevy now too. It's got like the wheels are like black and it's got a lift kit. The truck is gray. Fuck, it's a badass truck. It's got like the wheels are like black and it's got a lift kit.

Like the truck is gray. Fuck, it's a badass truck. It's huge. It's awesome. But dad picks us up. When we get in the car, he's on the phone with someone. The person he's on the phone with

is the person that has to give him his Manjaro shot because he's too afraid to take a Manjaro shot himself. It is literally a put it on your skin, hit a button. It injects into your stomach or put it on your skin hit a button it injects into your stomach or your arm it takes five seconds and it's over my dad cannot give himself a manjaro shot so he's got someone on the phone who he's going to have give him the shot to be fair pk doesn't give himself the shot either right like doesn't denise do it well to be fair they're both pussies like it's a fucking manjarosha it'd be one thing

like if you had to like like remember uh I guess 10 years or so ago I was doing some sort of testosterone and I would have to go into the bathroom and get an actual like syringe and draw like the liquid out of a bottle and then give myself a real live shot I still did that and I thought that was weird this is fucking manjaro you twist the little thing you put the cap you put it on your stomach you hit the thing now I also fucked that up a couple of weeks ago and forgot to take the cap off and wasted an entire manjaro I was like why is it not going into my stomach because I left the fucking cap on because I'm a dipshit but my dad is afraid to give himself a manjaro shot so someone else has to do it for him so he's

on the phone with this person for like five minutes traffic is terrible in baton rouge we don't know why it's always bad so dad's like hey find me a route to go here because traffic's terrible i gotta get to the airport airport uh look at your phone so jilly goes to ways and finds a route dad has no interest in the route that he asked us to find and proceeds to take his own fucking route to the airport fine he's been in baton rouge for 30 years he'll figure it out i'm not worried but instead of hanging out with us he's got 20 minutes to hang out with me and jilly before we're out of town and we won't see him again for two months dad then decides he needs to make another phone call. And it's not an

important phone call. It's not like, oh shit, this is the only time I can. Well, no, let me rewind. So after he gets off the phone with the lady that gives him his Manjaro shot, he starts typing out an entire email on his phone while he's driving. But again, he's not good at it. It's not like, you know, you have it down on your waist. You look up, look up, look. He's holding the phone up on the steering wheel. He already sucks at typing on his phone and types out an entire fucking email while we're just sitting there. He doesn't know where we're going.

He accidentally pulls up into a lane that doesn't have a lane. So we're right next to an 18 wheeler. We're not in a lane. Just stopped. I'm like, dad, what the fuck are you doing? So then he says says i don't know why he wanted to do this but he goes yeah let's call your grandpa ralph and see what's going on i'm like dad you got 15 minutes to hang out with us let's just shoot the shit it was longer than

15 minutes well it became that way but in my mind i'm like we got 15 minutes to hang out dad all we gotta do is hang it's fun fun. We'll talk, whatever. It'll probably be about you. Most of our conversations are, and that's how it's going to go. But for whatever reason, dad decides he's going to call his dad, cowboy Ralph or grandpa Ralph. Now I haven't talked to grandpa on the phone in years. I haven't seen grandpa in years. Dad calls grandpa Ralph who's now 82 and this is the worst I've ever heard my grandpa sound like that many of you've probably never heard cowboy Ralph I might have played audio of him singing before but he's always been kind of spry and like he's talkative and whatever cowboy Ralph sounded like he was on his deathbed he couldn't complete sentences he sounded terrible

I'm like this didn't even sound like I'm uncomfortable with this like dad's like well I'm in the car with your grandson taking him to the airport and he's like who's my grandson like well it's Josh oh Josh uh-huh yeah so it sounds terrible well at first like it kind of felt like you know he just didn't want to talk on the phone well what it sounded like is my dad is like talk talk talk trying to get a reaction from my grandpa my grandpa has nothing to say

and you texted me and we texted each other simultaneously and I go this is what it sounds like when I'm on the phone with my dad I'm talking talking trying to get a reaction and my dad has no interest and the conversation usually ends with, all right, I got to take this call. That motherfucker never has a call coming in. He doesn't. He lies to me about, I'm like, I'm ranting about something. He goes, I got to take this call. I'll call you back. Then he never does. Whatever. I'm 38 years old. I've

accepted it. I have daddy issues to a degree, but I've accepted that my dad is always going to hang up and have no interest in talking with me. I'm fine with it. Cat's in the cradle shit. I don't care. I don't think he's a bad dad. I accept these in his own world. I've learned, I've dealt with it my whole life. I'm totally cool. So he's obviously me to his dad. So he's talking, talking, talking about how excited he is about shit. Grandpa sounds terrible. Like it sounds like he's on death's door. And I'm like, this is uncomfortable. And dad looks over at me like, you want to talk? I'm like, fuck no, I don't want to talk.

Why would I want to talk? So anyway, they hang up. Grandpa sounds like shit. So dad, instead of taking that as the cue, well, we're 10 minutes away. Maybe let's talk before, you know, I drop you off. Dad decides that he needs to call my grandpa's girlfriend who i forgot what is her name uh it's ellen but it was funny because like he had even said hey

ellen's over right now and then he goes i'm calling ellen and then like she picks up the phone and she's kind of like yeah like you know trying to make it obvious that she's not talking to your dad because she doesn't want to piss off your grandpa but like your dad's like are you at ralph's and like yes scotty like he just said said ellen is here for what i think my favorite part is when he was trying to call ellen he asked josh how do you spell ellen i'm assuming e-l-l-e-n unless it's like some exotic Nordic way of spelling fucking Ellen. It's E-L-L-E-N. So he calls Ellen, and he's all pissed off. He's like, Ellen, I got to find out what's wrong with dad.

You know what? I think he's had a stroke. Maybe he has. I don't know. But Ellen's like, yeah, you're not the first person who said that. She sounds like a lovely lady. And it sounds like she's just like my my grandpa is either like sick or what and she's having a rough go of it but like dad's explaining

how he thinks he's had a stroke and he's like well he won't go see the doctor and my dad's like i'm fixing to call 9-1-1 and i'm gonna get the ambulance over there to pick his ass up and i'm like why is this happening this whole with the traffic I mean the between the two phone calls it had to be 37 minutes well in the process of this another call comes in and it's the Baton Rouge Zeppelins herself Cindy dad's like bitch I don't have time for you I'm still talking to Ellen about my dad's stroke that may or maybe didn't happen and he didn't talk to Ellen right up until the point that we opened the door to get out of the car like I was like all right see you later so then I text Cindy and I'm like listen dad will call you back he's currently on the phone with grandpa Ralph's girlfriend and they're debating whether or not

he's had a stroke it's I don't know why I'm in this conversation but I am and she's like geez that's your dad and um so then you know know, whatever. We get to the airport. And I don't even remember what the fuck dad said. Like, you know, he has no interest in the fact that we're there or anything. But, like, and somehow, though, even though, like, he didn't follow the ways at all. And it seemed like he had no clue what he was doing. He got us to the airport through the traffic. We got there in plenty of time.

But, fuck, it was like, why is this happening? Why couldn't we just have a conversation about something instead of being like, hey, let's call your grandpa for no reason. And then like, it made me sad in a way because, again, it reminded me of how it is when I talk to my dad on the phone. The difference, of course, my dad, you know, isn't sick or anything. He's or anything he's just you know self-absorbed cowboy Ralph wasn't self-absorbed I just think he's got some issue but like talk talk talk and then the person on the other end no we forgot so he's talking to my grandpa for no reason he starts asking about his dog that died 30 years ago oh yeah that was really weird he's like so when did john paul die grandpa and grandpa's like shit scotty i don't know well i know he died on september 25th so

the anniversary is tomorrow and he's like well how do you know that he goes it's written on my calendar here september 25th john paul died i'm like you people are fucking nuts like what the fuck is happening in this it's like it's like i'm in some sort of hidden camera show in a cab but i was like uber hidden camera shit like it was bizarre i swear when we go visit my dad we might see him for four minutes we might stay for five days and see him for four minutes that's usually how it goes like he's kind of into it for the first couple of minutes, and then he's like, oh, shit, you got fired. Well, this is kind of boring. Let's rehash every time I've gotten fired,

and I'll tell you the whole story again. No, usually now it's just the itinerary of all his upcoming cons. And that's another fascinating thing about my dad. Much like myself, I can't remember something that happened yesterday, but I can tell you everything that happened on my high school basketball team in 2002 that is weird yeah the difference is my dad can't do that either the only thing my dad remembers is his entire yearly itinerary for every fucking comic con he's going to so we're sitting there with him and he's like i'm like all i want to know is where are you going this weekend so i'll go dad what con you at this weekend 20 minutes later he's broken down the next two years of cons the dates and everything

like dad how the fuck do you remember all this oh and then i'm sitting there with him he goes i ramble on for you know i don't know 10 minutes about work shit trying to find a job and he doesn't have any response to that but he goes he's texting someone who the fuck are you texting yeah my friend mankind I go like the wrestler yeah Mick I'm just texting him I met him at a con and now we're kind of buddies I was like I've met him before and I showed him a picture of me and Jim with the Mr. Sacco from like 10 years ago he goes here hold hold your phone up so I can take a picture of that I'm like I could just send it to you but I hold my phone up he takes a picture of it and

then sends it to mankind who if I I feel like they're not buddies so now mankind gets a random picture me and Jim fucking mud two people he does not know which he probably can't even really see because again it's a picture of a picture on a phone god so he's sitting there he's probably like hanging out doing whatever the fuck the the hardcore legend does when he's just hanging out at fucking home and um and he gets a picture two jamokes he has met once because he's in the picture but he has no recollection of meeting from a guy he's probably not really friends with my dad just happens to have his fucking number and then i'm sitting sitting there. I'm like, so do you want to talk? No, I got to send John Schneider a text.

Hold on. I'm like, Jesus Christ, dad. Like you kick, like you just have the inability to hang out and just do nothing for 10 minutes. Oh shit. And, but like, if there's gossip involved in something involving me, he'll get engaged for a few minutes. Or if it's something that interests him, if I'm like, you know, talking about St. Louis radio of the eighties, he's like, well, I'll ramble on and go, you know, they almost hired me. They had us hired back in 96. And I'm like, I'll be damned

dad. I haven't heard this before. Oh shit. That was the way. I mean, and that's how it went. We saw my mom for a little bit. You know, we talked with her. She's far more engaged in the conversation than my dad is. So back to this Memphis Thanksgiving thing, right? I mean, we're gonna... He's gonna have to hang out with us. But the thing is, he's also got a group of people. So he can kind

of pawn us off on the other people. So what's gonna happen is, it's gonna be me, you, Cindy, the Zeppelins, and I think he's got a couple other friends of theirs that they meet every year for Thanksgiving. Since there's multiple people that can talk to each other, my dad can then ignore everybody else while he's messaging or watching some Donald Trump GIFs

or memes or reels or whatever, and he doesn't have to pay attention to us. So that's probably how it's going to go because he's't have to pay attention to us so that's probably how it's gonna go because he's got all these big elaborate plans all it's gonna happen he's just gonna ignore us the whole time and we're gonna go watch the memphis grizzlies play next door that's essentially what's gonna happen well i mean cindy will be there too she'll hang out with us and drink and apparently according to your dad some other fella will drink beers with us all night so he's already got his plans for us no he's already got his plans for how he's going to cast us off or like dump us off on everybody else so he doesn't have to hang out

he goes yeah my buddy mark likes to drink so you guys will get along i'm like cool sounds like i mean all that being said it's very nice of him to invite us to this and you know buy us these thanksgiving dinner tickets yes that being said i know but he enjoys doing that kind of stuff that's that's the interesting thing. He likes to do nice things for people, but then he just doesn't want to be with you when you enjoy the nice things. He wants to see your reaction to the nice thing,

and then he's done with you, and then he's on to the next nice thing. Can I say one thing, though? And this may sound harsh. Okay. But I'm really kind of glad that we didn't end up going to Disney with them. Oh, fuck yeah.

I don't know if any of you remember that story but like we were supposed to go to disney with them you drunkenly agreed to it and he's like oh i'll buy your tickets i'll get your hotel room you guys just get your flights so i we were ready to go and then it was when we were here right so but then luther got sick so we had to cancel last minute and i felt really bad but it sounds like it who so it was my dad Cindy did my sister go and like it sounds like a shit show your brother yeah now here's the other thing about like I had the opportunity to go to Disney with my dad and his second wife and all them back when I was 16 and I'm like no so I stayed at the house by myself when I was 16. And I'm like, no. So I stayed at the house by myself when I was 16

and probably just watched porn on VHS or soft core erotica on VHS the whole time. I would rather do that than go to Disney with the family. And they all went and I'm like, I'm glad we didn't go. But I think Cindy said dad was miserable the whole time. Yeah, they all were. Like every time they pitch you on the idea of going on some fun, some fun old fashioned family Christmas, it's like, fuck no.

I'm not going anywhere with you people. And I love them all. They're wonderful. But it's just bizarre. I don't know. And like, I'm sure other people's families are super fucked up. I get it. But ours is kind of a unique fucked up because dad's a quasi-celebrity and people want to meet him at these comic cons.

If he were a slightly larger celebrity, we could almost make a reality show. But he's not enough of a celebrity to do that like if it were like a youtube show maybe that you know his own people kind of like a couple levels below eddie money a couple yeah i'd say a few like current day eddie money because he had the reality show was like six years ago yeah but people know who he is nobody knows my dad they just know the character that he voiced oh shit man like everything about it's fascinating like he goes on these comic cons he's got this this lady that rides with him who's very nice but like she handles all the shit like and they drive overnight like they drive through snow storms do it like they're going they're going to. Is it Birmingham with the hurricane this weekend or.

Yeah. Something like that. I don't know. He told us the whole fucking thing until 2027. I just wasn't listening. But. Oh, shit. I mean, it's it is beyond fascinating this life.

And then like so. But then like it's funny because like when we're in Memphis, let's say we bring the laptop and we do like some podcasts there and be like Scotty you want to come jump on the pod he will be like so into it oh he'll be locked in he'll tell you all the stories and shit and then the second it's over it'll be like who are you like I'm your son um so my sister Emily her husband Brian picked us up at the airport. And he's telling us stories about, because their son Trip, who's a wonderful boy, he's autistic, right? But he's doing well. But he was telling us that at one point, Trip was able to get into his car and lock himself in the car. And then start the car.

And they had to call the ambulance to get him or the fire department because he wouldn't he wouldn't let them in he wasn't gonna unlock that door he the kid's wild like he's wonderful boy but like he'll do wild shit at one point like he got so basically he got into my brother-in-law's car locked the the door, nobody could get him out, turned it on, and he was revving the engine to as much as it's going to go. If he would have figured out how to throw this shit into drive, he would have driven through their house. My family's wild. We are a wild bunch my my my my half brother presley is like he's kind of like a like just kind of go with it guy like everything's fine you know what he is

he's like uh post malone when post malone's really high just like man that's great man you ever see that uh there's that uh that gif of uh or there's one of these a video of post malone that people use in other reels where like yeah that's great man that's that's awesome man great job great like that's my brother he's just like a very optimistic person and he's just like like he told a story about how, so apparently last weekend is when you could first start buying medical marijuana in Louisiana. You had to get the card. So my brother, who seems to imbibe and enjoy, waited in line for medical marijuana. And he's like, I met some guy in the line that said he went to school with you.

Like, okay, cool. That's why we became friends. He said he went to school with you like okay cool and said that's why we became friends he said he graduated with you i'm like well presley only graduated with like 120 people let's assume half of them are girls so there's a one and a couple of them are dead so like there's a one in 50 something chance of who this person is but i don't know my family's wild like i feel slightly more normal as it relates to like my dad and every like it's a fight like that being said I'm sure they just tell people about us like well they just get drunk all the time and talk on the internet like I'm pretty sure like people probably just think we're raging

alcoholics well we're not raging alcoholics but we're not far off and I also like to gamble a lot and smoke meat and we don't have kids that's another thing they like to talk with us about is why don't you have kids? I'm like, because look at you fuckers. Why would I want kids? Look at all of you. Like you're all degenerates. Like I'm a gambling degenerate. You guys have all these kids.

We're all fucked in the head. Why would I want to foul the earth with another one of us? The line needs to end somewhere and I'm ending it. I'm ending the line right here um like it's irresponsible for people to ask us why don't you have kids hello look like you've answered your own questions you sit around and drink beer all the time you drive half an hour every day to Illinois to go bet on Ukrainian table tennis. You sit around and smoke meat. You're thousands of dollars in debt, Josh.

But then the next question is, why don't you give us a grandbaby? Like, because I'm, I am literally the most responsible, irresponsible person on the planet. But I love them. They're wild. We also get, but you guys are such great parents to Luther. Okay, that's different. He's a fucking, bless his heart, he's a dog. And as we discussed, like, look, I think I am like the nicest human on the planet because I took a critter that would have been thrown in an oven and I saved him.

So I'm literally like a notch below Jesus for doing that. Like, I am a wonderful person, right? I made a choice to spare him from the oven. I should get bonus points when it comes time to go to heaven for doing that that said it's a big difference between having a dog and having a child the child you can't just leave here by himself at one year and then have a you know have the the furbo cam and shoot treats at him also with luther you couldn't do that for a long time either because he was a diva and he needed attention well that i blame the roma aroma the rona and being fired for you know

because there was a solid two years but we never left him that was on us yep i tell you what then we were talking about it i think we talked about this but we're talking about adopting another dog but it's goddamn too much money how about if i walk into your place and i'm like i want that dog so i can save his life how about you say sir here he is not 700 goddamn dollars I'm not buying you know a Mercedes here I'm helping save a dog don't call it rescuing a dog if I'm paying 700 that's not rescuing that's purchasing a dog well yeah 700 is a bit high but like some of like the ones that are in fosters I get paying like three four hundred dollars for because you're basically reimbursing the family for all the vaccinations.

And dog, I mean, taking care of a dog now is super expensive. Each vet trip with Luther, just like a routine checkup, was at least $80. And then the food, I mean, it's expensive. So I get why a dog that's maybe in foster care is a little more money to adopt, but you

could still go to the shelters and find, you know, like $30 adoption fees, you know. So don't we, we could seem like they're all like that. Yeah. Just the one you were looking at at 700 was a bit ridiculous. Yeah. Like I, like we were drunk over at Tant's because that's how most of our stories start. Our friend Tant, who we stayed with on Sunday night in New Orleans, he's like in the medical field and he's single and has no kids. He's just got a dog, you know?

And I was like, look at this dog. He goes, you should just message them about the dog. And I'm like, all right. So I just hit like the inquire button on Pet Finder and I got an email. It was like a generic response email of, hey, fill out our application here. And then I went and looked at the fine print

and it's like $700. I'm like- The fact that you've been messaged is like almost cruel because we can't get a dog right now I know but look that's the alcohol the look ordinarily I would not do that but I was peer pressured into it so the plan was to get a dog in September after that Houston trip then you went and got laid off and now you've packed up the house and I just don't think it's right to bring a dog in and we're going to move presumptuously and that's not even a word presumably in like six

months I mean I'm hoping that's the hope but we don't know yet and also I mean it'd be financially irresponsible to bring a dog right now yes yes it is so now you know and you gotta stop showing me them because you're showing me all these really cute schnauzies like luther lookalikes on pet finder i want them all then i feel bad because i want a dog so badly and you keep showing me these dogs knowing we can't get one right now the fuck else is going on in the world i saw one of the dudes from 97.5 like in uh houston was talking about the texans after they lost and he's like well they're not a super bowl contender i'm like bullshit jesus christ like people are so over dramatic about shit they got their asses kicked one day let's see how they bounce back i tell you people are

fucking dumb sometimes the whole world's dumb i don't know what to tell you people people are morons we got to watch the vince mcmahon thing tonight uh i don't know how many episodes of it there are probably three or three parts if i had to guess we have to watch that we started watching heels which uh is a is on netflix now but the two seasons of it were on stars and now uh there's belief in the wrestling world and the wrestling pod world that maybe uh because of all the business they're doing now with Netflix that it might have another season. We've watched three episodes of it and I find it somewhat entertaining. There's also a lot of boning in it. So that's fun. Oh, now this is a conversation to have.

So we're on the flight last night and we start watching this heel show. And every time they start banging on this, like I didn't know there'd be banging on this show. Every time they start banging, I'm like hunched over trying to hide the thing because it is not right to show porn and soft core porn on a fucking flight. You don't know whose eyeballs are seeing it, you know? That's not what, you shouldn't do that.

You know, you shouldn't be a creep that has your iPad out for people to see other people banging on there. I'm not trying to be a prude here, but you shouldn't do that. And not just like, you know, imply like full-on titties out like. Lovely titties from what I saw. And then there's a dude's dick. I'm like, I did not know we were getting this.

So I'm trying to cover it up so nobody sees it because you don't want to be that guy. You don't want to be the dude that's just sitting on the plane like. And they don't know that you're just watching a wrestling TV show. They probably think you're watching Skinemax. You're watching Hot Springs Hotel. So they're going to post a picture of you because you don't know when someone's going to take a picture of you and post it on the Twitters. And then all of a sudden, you're like the creep that's watching porn on the plane. That next thing you know, you're at the Diddy White party. You go from being just a guy trying to fly back to St. Louis to being a creep that's into porn on the plane

and before you know it, you've bought hundreds of gallons of baby oil at Costco. Yeah, that's the steps. Yeah, and you don't want to be that person. So, anyway, I'm going to go throw some chicken thighs on the old grill. Going to do a pork butt overnight tonight because

we're wild in that way. We'll have some football tomorrow. The best part about getting home yesterday is we have one one sleep two sleeps without football oh it's the giants still football still football oh don't forget we have to make a pick for alley oh wait don't be a bitch jelly all right we love you guys we'll be back at it again tomorrow be good