The Josh Innes Show - Dads Emotional Christmas Call

Episode Date: December 26, 2024

We start today's pod with a public service announcement...Do not take medications for gout. You will die on the inside. Our Buddy Ross is getting ready to test out daycare in a few days. He's a sweet boy but he's wild on the leash. Hopefully some training will do the trick. It better..it's expensive. We watched three great Christmas movies on Christmas Eve. My dad called us on Christmas Eve to do a little reflecting. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hello, Jamokes. What's going on? It's Josh. About 11 o'clock on Thursday. Sorry I missed a couple of days. Had some other shit going on. Christmas and what have you. Planned on doing something last night after the Texans were just god-awful, embarrassing, terrible, despicable. I was drinking beers and everything but uh opted to not uh and i really i went to sleep early last night because this dog ross uh wakes our asses up at like 7 25 on the dot every day so like my ass is up and i've been dealing with some other issues with my feet i know you got your own problems but like for about a week and a half my right foot was destroyed by what I think by my self-diagnosis by going to WebMD and other things and typing in my issues was some sort of tendinitis

in my foot first I thought it was gout right like I'm like do you get gout in your ankle josh i don't know but you have a history of gout so like a total dipshit just assuming it was gout i started taking these gout medications which are the absolute worst as far as taking medications go when you take these colchicines and these endomethazines. They're supposed to help with gout. But all that happens is you shit water and it doesn't stop. Listen, if you don't want to hear the full breakdown of it, I respect that. I respect the fact that as we sit here today, you're probably like Josh. I don't care to hear stories about shitting water. And I respect that. I respect the hell out of that. But I'm going to tell you anyway, because you're listening to the podcast. When I tell you that these medications for gout, you hear the term piss like a racehorse? It's like you're shitting

like a racehorse pisses. Does that make sense? You shit like a racehorse pisses. I mean, it sounds like just someone, you know what it sounds like? Like when I'm in there, it sounds like when they pour that bucket, like whenever you're at the water park and you go to the kiddie playland and there's like a half pirate ship that's like stories high in the air. And like every five minutes it fills up and then pours water on a bunch of dumb kids. It's like that. It's like a tidal wave of water emerging from my rectum is what it, look, you didn't ask for it, but I'm going to tell you anyway, that's how it goes.

And let this serve as kind of a lesson to all of you. My objective here is not to gross you out. It's to teach you to not be like like me like you know when um when mickey mantle was in the throes of like like liver failure and cancer whatever it was that killed mickey mantle he went on tv and told you about how all of his hard living and drinking and everything caused him to be where he was at that stage in his life right before he died and he's like kids don't be like me well honestly I mean it probably was badass to be like you when you were being fucking Mickey Mantle back

in the day it's very easy to sit there when you're in your 60s and you're about to die and say hey don't live the life I lived look I would take I would take shorter amount of years to live Mickey Mantle prime years than to live to be a hundred and live some other dipshits years but anyway so when he said, don't be like me, I don't know how I can help you. I don't want to tell you to not eat red meat and drink beer. Those are like two of my favorite things, right? Everything I love is killing me. I love my red meat. I love my steaks. I love my beer. That's how I am. But I don't want you, my listeners, my people who I love very much, people who I have a great passion for,

people who I care about, I don't want you living the life of gout because then you take these shitty gout medications and all they do is cause you to non-stop shit all day. And it doesn't hit right away. Like you think you kind of dodge a bullet. Now granted, I took way too many of these. Like you're supposed to take like one every couple hours or something like that until the symptoms go away. I was taking two every hour for about four hours thinking, and here's the sad part. So this, I took these, I think on Monday and I was afraid for this foot pain I had. Cause it was really bad at one point like I thought like it was like when I had gout for the first time and I thought my foot was broken it

turns out I just had gout so I'm like I wonder if this is gout and I'm like well I have no other options so I'm at least going to try the gout angle and see what happens and I just was like popping these things like tic-tacs man bang bang bang to the point that I had six in about three hours and it didn't hit me for a while. Like hours will go by the foot still hurts. So I'm like, you know what, Josh, it wasn't even gout. God damn it. And, um, so then late at night I start feeling really terrible and I'm like, well, this is going to be, this is what's going to happen. This is going to be my life for the next couple hours. And sure enough, you shit like you're pissing like a racehorse.

I mean, it's like a super soaker. No, you know what it's like? It's like a fire hose of just liquid, but not like viscous liquid, not thick liquid. No, it's just straight up fucking water. And it doesn't stop. And then when it finally stops you're like all right i'm gonna go lay down and try to go to bed 10 minutes later oh shit here we go again and i tell you this not to gross you out i tell you this not to disturb you i tell you this not to be like just edgy or raunchy for the sake of being raunchy this is a public service announcement

from uncle josh uncle josh cares about you uncle josh loves you and uncle josh wants you to know that you need to do everything you can to not have gout and thus not take gout medication like one of my buddies jp who uh owned the moose he ran the moose and um Young, one of my favorite people, he would tell me about these medications because he had gout. I'm like, shit, I guess I can't drink. I got the gout. He goes, no, what you need to do is just chomp on these motherfuckers nonstop and it'll knock it right out. You're going to shit for days, but it'll knock it out. And I'm like, okay, seems fine.

And that's the advice I took and since that time that's what I've been doing with myself is uh is chomping on all of these gout medications that caused me to feel terrible I am a calamity I'm just letting you know as you listen to this podcast today you may have already known this this might be something you're like no shit Josh of course you're a calamity but my god it's always something and it's not like one of these things where I'm like a hypochondriac who just likes being sick. Like my dad who enjoys going to the doctor, like he goes to the doctor and it makes him feel better just being in the parking lot.

My dad, he'll have like anxiety. He'll go sit in the parking lot of the doctor at three in the morning and that will make him feel better. He will leave the house and sit in the parking lot. When I was having my anxiety issues a little over a year ago, for whatever reason they were happening, the, um, I like, I would go into the emergency room and I was petrified. Like, I don't want to fucking be here. It was terrible. So, and I had an anxiety thing. Like they thought I had a stroke. I was speaking like fucking Latin and I had no idea why this was

happening, but like, I don't, I'm not a hypochondriac. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to find shit. And I've done a much better job about that. Like after I had, you know, encephalitis at one point, I was always worried about shit, but now I'm just, I don't, I try, I don't want to be sick. I don't want to feel bad. I don't want to feel terrible, but God damn it. If my, my foot, I have some sort of tendonitis in one one foot which is kind of getting better kind of hurts a little bit but it's fine then i wake up this morning it's about 5 30 in the morning and i get up to take a leak and i'm like oh shit my other foot's starting to hurt hopefully it's just something you're dreaming this shit josh it's not actually happening your

foot does not really hurt and it's not going to impede you while you're trying to take these 20,000 steps a day walks, which by the way, first like five days I have in Roscoe over here, I'm putting up 17, 18, 19, 20,000 step days. Maybe that's why my goddamn tootsies hurt so much. I don't know. But then I wake up today and I discover that, yep, this thing thing hurts really bad now this one's on the opposite foot on the inside part of my ankle and it hurts like hell so I'm a fucking calamity I'm broken at this point I don't know why it's just the way it is right now I know you got your own problems it's no good let me play some commercials here and we'll continue on to some other shit all right if you're ready to win some

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affiliates of service corporation international so yeah the the damn the damn foot like now my left foot's a problem because i maybe it's because i've been favoring the other foot so i've been using my left foot more to kind of hobble around and that doesn't stop roscoe over here from wanting to take long ass walks he's a wild man by the way like I'm used to walking with Luther who doesn't give a shit about other dogs he just walks right past him does not care wants nothing to do with him that's not the case though Rossy Pants over here Mr. Rossy Pants every time he sees a dog wants to go try to talk to the dog and bark and jump up on the people if he sees people out of the window of the house and he sees them walking, he loses his mind. When he sees them when he's in the car, he loses his mind.

These are things that Luther cared nothing about. But Roscoe over here cares about them a ton. Speaking of, and Roscoe's kind of a wild man, and I'm sure he'll calm down. He hasn't even been here two weeks yet, and we're going to go get him some training because he's a very sweet boy. I just want to get him a little training, you know? Like, I think that's, like, we forget that Luther wasn't just a born good walker and shit. We took him to training for, like, two weeks.

Now, granted, it was at a place where one of our other radio guys, his puppy ended up dying when he was at this training. But Luther survived, so he's fine. And for that, he became a better dog. So old Ross over here is going to get some training done I'm going to take some of my gambling winnings and put it to good use although my gambling yesterday for the first time in a long time I had a massively shitty day thanks in large part to fucking CJ Stroud not throwing for his yards and the Texans not having a rushing touchdown fuck you Texans and CJ Stroud but we will get into that but i got a nice um email from a

gentleman named steven uh and it's titled high energy pups and that's what i would call my man ross over here like i tell you when i watch this guy run he is like a fucking madman he like runs for days then i take him to the dog daycare the dog park and there might be another dog or two in there has no interest in running i let him outside in our crappy little backyard and this dude's doing parkour off of shit like jumping off of sheds like I think he's gonna run through the plate glass it's wild he's a hard guy to get a read on but again he's only been here for like 10 days Josh been enjoying your stories about Ross it reminds me of our dog Daisy we adopted from the LaPorte shelter. She drove me fucking insane because she was probably one to two years old but acted like an insane puppy.

Problem is, Daisy was the size of a lab. She was fucking insane. Super athlete, broke out of our fences, all kinds of wild shit. I'm a very patient person. However, Daisy drove me to the edge of insanity. I even considered giving up. We gave her the nickname Craigslist Daisy. I knew I could never give up, though.

It took a good six months of wacky calamities until Daisy finally just clicked. She became the sweetest girl and was the best friend to my newborn daughter. Daisy was one of the best dogs we had. Unfortunately, she had some kind of disease that took her out early. It sucks, but that's the risk you take with the greatest animals on earth. best dogs we had unfortunately she had some kind of disease that took her out early it sucks but that's the risk you take with the greatest animals on earth we will never forget daisy and still have her buddy bowser that we adopted at the same time anyways keep running uh ross ass until he's burnt out the day will come that crazy motherfucker will run you wild one last time and turn into a lazy

good old boy really fun listening to y'all's journey keep the pods coming fire emoji and i actually did and i had forgotten to respond so i responded to steven with an email on christmas eve so hopefully steven sees that but i appreciate that that is very nice of you uh to offer that insight ross is a very good boy i just worry about how like rambunctious he gets like when he sees like I don't think he's mean to other dogs he lived with like three or four other dogs like I think he likes other dogs I think he's pent up as it relates to not being around other dogs like I think that's the biggest issue that old Ross he's having right now is he's used to being around

other dogs other dogs that play with him and wrassle with him and shit and at this point he hadn't had that for a while so we're gonna take him to daycare on Monday and then I'm going to sit there and wait because he's doing an evaluation and even with Luther who was the calmest dude ever I'd worry that something would happen and I'd get a call and they'd be like listen this guy's fucking crazy all that would actually happen is we'd get a call from people and they'd say oh my god Luther is the sweetest dog ever we absolutely love him and all of these women fell in love with this damn dog they loved luther it was a fascinating world and i'm sure they'll love old roscoe over here too name is ross i call him roscoe whatever point being in all of this

is he'll chill and he'll be fine but um you're gonna get him a little training i just worry like i don't want him to like bust out and go like he's got this like urge to just run away it seems like and i think i'm a pretty good dog dad i take care of you i buy you cool shit i take you to the pet store but you are rambunctious just energetic and like i think he misses dogs so eventually we're gonna have to adopt another dog that's gonna have to happen when we move well we can't move well we're gonna no matter what we gotta move out of this place in a couple months because it cost me $2,500 a fucking month and your boy is gonna be on unemployment after about four more severance checks so we can't stay in this fucking place I don't want to stay in this place anyway you talk about a dipshit living beyond his means which

wasn't my intention like I didn't buy a mansion by any means, but it was a nice neighborhood. And I'm like, shit, I'm making Skrilla for the next three years. Let's fucking get this nice joint. Hey, this is our joint. Welcome to my crib. In reality, it's $2,500, and it's not the greatest place ever, but it's in a nice neighborhood, and that was important to us. And we wanted to make sure Luther had a place to walk, and it was safe because St. Louis is a miserable hellhole in a lot of neighborhoods. So that's why we did it. But now we got to get the fuck out of here, find a job or something.

So who the hell knows what's going to happen there? Other stuff going on. We had a Christmas movie watching party on Christmas Eve. We watched three movies, stayed awake and drank enough fucking wine to watch three Christmas movies that were three classics. In my opinion, we started things off with four Christmases that doesn't get enough love, get enough respect, get enough attention. It's wonderful. Really up until it's kind of like your typical Vince Vaughn comedy of that era or Judd Apatow era comedy. It's like rapid fire shit's funny you're having a good time and then there's a lull that happens like in that movie you watch the

first uh stop for the four Christmases it's Robert Duvall's house and it's fantastic then they go to Mary Steenburgen's house and the church and Pastor Phil and Dwight Yoakam and all that shit and it's pretty fantastic and then it kind of loses steam whenever they go to Sissy Spacek's house but it's quick so it's funny but then by the time like they want to break up with each other and they go to John Voight's house it's kind of like yeah it's kind of boring kind of slow it kind of grounds to a halt I know it needs needs to happen. And it's not as bad as some of the other Judd, this isn't a Judd Apatow movie, but like the Judd Apatow movies, like Wedding Crashers. Wedding Crashers needed to have them have a falling out so they can come back

together. But the falling out in Wedding Crashers took way too much time. It could have been done in a shorter amount of time. Same thing kind of happened in this one, but it was a quicker thing. It was fine. The movie's only like an hour and a half. It's a solid movie. So we started with what I consider a new classic, okay, which is Four Christmases. You should watch it every Christmas. Now, some people were texting me and tweeting, asking why I wasn't watching Bad Santa, which is the greatest Christmas movie ever. Well, we've watched Bad Santa and Bad Santa 2 a couple of weeks ago.

We've been watching Christmas movies. Speaking of Christmas movies, got a nice message from Kara, who used to listen on KC. She used to message all the time. Wonderful, wonderfully nice lady. She watched Better Watch Out at our recommendation. We recommended watching Better Watch Out because I thought it was a funny horror Christmas movie that I'd never heard of. We just stumbled upon it. We watched it, thought it was great. We thought it would be stupid Christmas horror movie, but it was really exciting and frustrating. So thanks for the recommendation. So if you guys haven't watched that, it's fun.

It's called Better Watch Out. Check that one out. So we watched four Christmases. Then we shift gears into more of a kid's Christmas movie from your childhood that you want to watch, you know? And I think Home Alone is overrated. I think Home Alone 2 is overrated. Like a lot of the kids' Christmas movies that people of my generation really enjoy, shocker, are not really that interesting to me. Like Home Alone is fine. I like Home Alone, but it's just kind of there. For for me if we're going classic movie from

your youth you know those kind of movies I like the Santa Claus with Tim Allen I like the Santa Claus 2 with Tim Allen but I really like Jingle All The Way which doesn't get enough love although it's getting more love it's a piece of shit I acknowledge that it's a piece of shit it's completely inconceivable in the same way that Superman is inconceivable, how the fuck does this kid not know his dad is in that goddamn costume at the end of the movie until he takes off his helmet? He didn't have to take off a mask. He just took off his helmet.

It was clearly his dad. Listen to his accent. It pissed me off. I yelled at the TV even now. But I love it. Sinbad is great. Arnold is great. Lovely film. now but I love it Sinbad is great Arnold is great lovely film so we we altered the pace of kind of

like adult rom-com Christmas movie and then we went into like kid Christmas movie of our youth then I had to go with one of my all-time favorite movies period and I will fight with people who want to tell me this movie sucks they love to tell me it sucks all the time I saw that that cock bag Jason Kelsey said it's not very good so if Jason Kelsey doesn't think it's good we think it's good times a fucking thousand that's love actually oh I love that movie Billy Matt like me and Jilly were debating you know the favorite storyline in love actually I think we both agree I really enjoy the Colin um Colin Firth uh storyline where like his chick fucks him over and he goes to this like cabin to write a book and he falls in love with the the the chick that's

like Portuguese or whatever and he falls in love with her while he's writing the book and then it like to me theirs at the end of the movie is like the best kind of come together and the kid of course that's cute too some of them are what they are like the you know you like the british dude that goes to wisconsin but by the way i just like the whole fucking thing you know why i like the whole fucking thing it's a great fucking movie and if you don't watch it watch it and if you fucking hate it you suck and i hate you that said i was just at that good level of wine drunk when we were watching this that uh boy when it gets to the end of the movie and they

start playing god only knows which i think is the most beautiful song ever written and composed and produced it's fucking amazing when i'm hearing that song and then they got all the people coming to the airport and i mean my god it's just a thing of fucking beauty god only knows what i'd be without you and god everybody's hugging each other and shit i'm like why don't i love people like these people love each other fuck this is beautiful and then like i try not to like show that i'm crying because i'm sitting there with my wife so i'm just kind of like like take off my glasses wipe my eyes like i'm tired ready to go to bed but oh no my ass was sitting there crying my fucking eyes out at the end of love actually because it's fucking great and you know what i

still need to go back and watch um it's a wonderful life because that one's gonna make me cry too we're gonna have tears we're gonna emote it's emotional christmas time very strange christmas though we didn't get each other any gifts you know and our gift i guess here is mr roscoe zero gifts my dad didn't send a big box of junk like he always does. He kind of got the clue on this one. Now in dad's defense, when he does send a big box of junk, and when I say junk, I mean like the kind of shit you see on that table at the front of TJ Maxx, where it's like little knickknacks, like, Hey, it's a tabletop pool set, you know, or some shit.

And then like, dad will find all of these knickknacks and then send them in a box a big box of shit it's just kind of like it's like somebody went to ross and tj maxx and like the special section of jc penny where they've got like classic board games and shit like here's boggle and uh or like here's a card game and every year my dad sends that and uh and look sometimes look i've gotten some use out of some of it you know like we like to Or like, here's a card game. And every year my dad sends that. And look, I've gotten some use out of some of it. You know, like we like to make fun of it. But like two out of the ten things in there are things that are kind of useful.

And the rest is just junk that my dad finds to throw in a box. A very old man thing to do. But that's what he does. So he calls on Christmas Eve, says, yeah, daddy ain't going to send you a present this year. I'm like, well, dad dad I don't really need one because I've got a bunch of junk I can't get rid of anyway I'm trying to move I don't need any of the junk and he was like in his emotional bag right because I guess like no one's at the house he's like well you know Josh there's no kids here for Christmas it just sort of hits you like dad you haven't like all of your kids your youngest child is 25 years old you haven't done this shit in a while so like so and then like i'm like well dad's emoting

so i'll listen to him he's actually engaging in the conversation so i'll listen okay fine so then he says uh well josh i do i'm not gonna send you anything this year but uh because i figure i'll have to send your ass some money anyway when you move. Probably going to help you out there. So I'm not going to waste time sending you gifts. I'm like, all right, fine, Dad. Humble way to flex. But he kind of emotes over the fact.

He starts reminiscing on Christmas shit, and he's kind of half asleep, and he's like, yeah, Cindy's in bed, and I'm just sitting here. It's weird. There's no kids. You just, you just start to, you know, Josh, you just sort of reflect. Remember that time that you did blank and blank? I'm like, sure, dad. Yeah, I remember that. I'm like, boy, dad's, dad's having a moment. Okay. Dad is locked in. He's having a moment. Cool. And then I hang up and you know, me andilly are sitting there for a few minutes and then she goes oh did you see your dad's Facebook I'm like no I don't have Facebook

she shows it to me and it's basically everything he had just told me and it was like he was workshopping Facebook material on me to see how I'd react before he posted it on Facebook to get all of his likes so even when my dad seems like he's being sincere and interested in what I have to say and he's having a moment, in reality, he's just testing out his material that he's going to post for his real audience on Facebook. So that was our Christmas.

There you go. And then we went and bet on some games. I didn't hit shit yesterday, but those games were god-awful, terrible, awful. So actually, it was okay in the first game. It was the Texans game that bent me over because of C.J. Stroud and that shitty team, but I'm going to do a pod on that here in a second. Anyway, more to come.