The Josh Innes Show - Disgusting People on Planes

Episode Date: October 29, 2024

It's Josh and Jilly! We share stories about our weekend in Houston. The worst part was being stuck on a plane next to a very large man who wouldn't stop coughing and sneezing. Also, our uber driver in Houston was sleeveless and smelly. Jilly feels like we should ban sick people from flights. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Ah! Woo! Okay. All right. When a core's life is cold enough, the mountains on the can turn blue. So the next time you want a cold lager, cold filter, cold package, Coors Light, just wait until those glorious mountains on the can turn blue. It's easy to say that fast when you're freezing cold.

Hello, Jamokes. What's going on? It's Josh and Jilly back again on this. right now it's about 5 o'clock on Tuesday. On the eve of us going to see the Neil Diamond musical, which I think tonight is the opening night in St. Louis for it at the fabulous Fox Theater. We are going tomorrow night, tomorrow night we're going to see A Beautiful Noise, the Neil Diamond musical. Really, it's the only thing you're going to get that's close to get to see neil because neil doesn't perform anymore but thanks to the good lord we got to see neil perform uh back in 2015 when we were in um in philadelphia so that was awesome but this is going down beautiful noise fabulous fox theater legendary venue it going to fuck tomorrow night.

So that's what we're doing then. You excited? I'm very excited. It's weird because I keep forgetting today's Tuesday, first of all, because we traveled yesterday. And because it's not a movie and Mexican night Tuesday. I know. It feels kind of empty, doesn't it? It's like a hole inside of me that is not being filled by Mexican and movie night.

All sorts of confusion. Then Halloween is Thursday. That came out of nowhere. I know. Before you know it, it's fucking November, and I got whacked. Do you know what's amazing? Is in like two days, it's been three months

since my ass got fired. You've made progress since then. I have not, but that's okay. I started potting again. That's the extent of the progress that I've made. But we were in Houston over the weekend, and we hung out with PK and Denise. We went to the Texans game.

That was fun. I did a whole breakdown about how boring Texans games are because the fans have no interest, seemingly. It's weird. You've got a great quarterback, really good team, first place in the division on the line, and people show up late, leave early. And even the showing up late has always been the case.

But once you're in there and the game's fucking close, where are you going? Why are you leaving? Even you were like, where the fuck are these people going? The game was not over. I mean, it was really close. Yes, it was a three-point game, and these people were like, all right, I'm going to head out.

Like, what are you people doing? And look, maybe it's not fair to compare to New Orleans and Philly. Those are two traditional franchises and everything that have been around longer than 20 years. But, like, what are we doing? Like, you go to New Orleans. It's packed. It probably won't be anymore. I mean, they're 2-6.

But when they ran, they were 2-0 when we went to that game in New Orleans. And it was loud as deafening. And it was fun. And the people have a good time. In Philly, they're jacked up at kickoff ready to go and in Houston part and maybe you already talked about this too it was like you know the Colts have it was like maybe a fourth down game on the line and like nobody's standing it's bizarre it's bizarre standing and I felt like a nuisance that's why I sat down because everybody behind me was sitting down I'm like I don't want to be a dick that's

blocking everybody I felt really like yeah like I was in, I don't want to be a dick that's blocking everybody. I felt really like, yeah, like I was in the way. Like, I hate to say, but we're a shitty sports town kids. Like, like we're not even a big game town. Like usually like at least a big game town's going to have, you know, people show up for the big game and be into it. And baseball does that to an extent. Although this year in the playoffs, people weren't interested. Uh, we're just not a. We're just not a town that cares. It's just it is what it is. But anyway, so we were in town for that. If you haven't seen the video of PK and Denise trying Malort for the first time,

that's on my Instagram. It's vile. If you don't know about Malort, we used to drink it. We've done it on the pod before, and me and AJ and the guys did it at 97.5. It's a Chicago staple shot that's just gross. It's like drinking gasoline. And they did it, and they didn't know what was going to hit them. And Denise at the bar actually threw up doing the shot.

She threw up into a cup, and it was disgusting. I felt so bad because I was like, okay, don't do the whole shot. Just do a sip of it just to say you did it. And that sip really sent things off the deep end yeah i mean it took like pk did the shot and he looked rough and he's like he almost threw up on a child actually when she started throwing up he ran over to the corner and a kid like ran underneath him and he almost yacked on this kid and i almost yacked while i was videoing this like it was gross but when i did the shot i never like almost threw up like i thought

they were pros but apparently they're just average joes that relates that's what malort will do to you it's just that that you first think okay and then it just hits you like come back it's a comeback sauce almost but not good no it what happens is it doesn't really seem like anything at first and then about 10 to 15 seconds after it just gets terrible but like she was like like she literally grabbed a cup and just started throwing up into the cup and then when i saw that i almost threw up and then pk almost threw up it was like stand by me when lard ass is throwing up during the pie eating contest and everybody starts throwing up that's what i thought we were dealing with here also great pizza at that, and that's why she was so concerned.

She's like, I love coming here. They're going to hate me now. I'm like, no, they're not. They all knew what I was doing. All these bartenders were just laughing their asses off. The reason we even knew there was Malort is this was a bar called Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, spelled like Beetlejuice in the movie before.

Not the normal way of spelling Beetlejuice, but Beetlegeist, you know. And it's on Washington, right yeah and uh so we go there they have this really good pan pizza really good never been there before cool bar and i go to take a leak and i see some shirts on the wall for sale and it's just uh like i don't know if the shirt said i survived malort or uh malort it's just something about malort and i go that means they fucking have Malort. Then I ended up with these Malort stickers,

these I Malorted stickers. Yes, this is when I ordered the two Malort shots they gave them to me, which I thought was clever. It is. It's a good gig. It's a fine gig. I guarantee she's not the only person that's done that shot there for the first time and thrown up. No, no question. Yeah, everybody does. But what's funny is

there are people there with their kids and their dogs and shit and denise is over here 38 year old woman at a table yakking after taking a shot of malort and then you guys were like you got to do it i'm like okay i'm a pro you know as we've discovered i can drink a thousand things and survive uh you know at the game and throughout the day we just kept getting hammered hammered hammered did a six-hour podcast at pk's house that i remember none of all i know is like 10 people were watching it and like i don't know what the fuck we talked about shirtless as you tend to do on the internet i was shirtless i don't know what the fuck we talked about all i know is that there were about a handful of people that were there and we were on until about three in the morning and by about 8 30 i was up ready to go pk's house

they i mean you talk about the hangovers hurt more than they used to pk might be 80 i don't know this motherfucker he gets hit by these things and can't function anymore well i couldn't either i mean i was okay i started out okay then usually i eat and i'm fine but i ate and i actually felt worse well here's the thing about you though you're the instigator of all this shit you're the one that's always like everybody get hammered blah blah but then the next day you're in pain because of it me i get up at 8 30 i'm going to target i'm going to eat i'm like i bored. Let's go do something. Me and Denise together, we're just a very, very, very big instigators. You're alcohol toxic. Yeah, we are.

Totally. So we did that. And eventually we left. We caught a flight. And our flight wasn't delayed getting on it. We all boarded in like 10 minutes. But rewinding, our seats were not next to each other. So we went to the desk and we're like, Hey,

can you guys put us next to each other? And the guy was very nice and he did. So we get on the plane. You're in a middle seat. I'm in a window seat. Yeah. Originally we both had middle seats and like you were in the seats. We ended up sitting in,

I sat in and I was in the row behind you in the middle seat. Yes. But we were like, Hey, can you move us? And the guy was like, oh, cool. Very nice guy. And we end up sitting next to each other. And the gentleman who sat on the aisle was a, I wouldn't call him morbidly obese.

Like morbidly obese. He was bigger than Portley. He was somewhere in between Portley and morbidly obese. He was like morbidly obese. He was like, because he was big and wide like when i think of portly i think of like dudes that are more gut driven this guy was wide right he could put the seat belt on so he wasn't you know too fat to fly or anything like that but he was a big dude and you're sitting next to him and like first of all they were 30 to 40 minutes late taking off. So we had to sit there in that weird kind of warm air of the plane.

Like what dicks they are on these planes. I don't put the cold air on the plane until you take off. So you have to sit there and you're getting blown in the face by this air. But it's like hot beach air that's just blasting you in the face. And it's hot and you're sweaty and it's miserable. And you don't know why you haven't taken off. So they get on there and they try to tell you why you haven't taken off yet and this guy that's sitting next to you the the fat dude who's he was that he was that kind of fat where he has he's giant in the back and like his shoulders are fucking wide and his head's like

small but he's got no neck and he had a goatee. Like who the fuck still has a goatee? You know who still has goatees? Fat guys, that who still has goatees. So he's sitting next to you and he just starts sneezing and sniffling and sucking snot into his fucking lungs. And he just kept doing this. And then he would stick the fucking napkins and shit up his nose and leave them

up there it was like john candy and planes trains and automobiles but less charming it was just this kind of gross fat dude he was that kind of fat where you have no ass you're wide but you have so little ass that your pants are almost down below your ass like that kind of fat guy fat he had like four bags like he just like really tossed down like when he first walked in oh god boom i know the whole thing shook i'm like what the fuck are you doing bro and he's sitting like i mean it shook the fucking plane when this guy threw his bag down he had a book that fat motherfucker was not reading that book that was a show book that was like when lebron has people take pictures of him with a book, you ain't reading that fucking book chief. So his ass sat there the entire time and constantly was, and then sneezing and coughing.

And I'm like, bro, if you're this fucking sick and I'm not some weird hypochondriac and I wasn't afraid of like Rona shit back in the day, like it is what it is. But like we shut the fucking country down and told people they couldn't go outside and fucking walk when people had the rona yet we put these fat dudes with whatever cold this dude's got whatever kind of sickness this guy had on the plane literally sitting on top of people in a tiny little sardine can in a plane with no real oxygen flow and you're what are we doing people oh Oh, my left side still hurts because I kept trying to turn so that I was facing you

the whole time and the tablet we were watching and trying to avoid any, like, I didn't want to, I didn't want to inhale that. And then like, when they served the drink,

I just like picked up my cup and my can and just like held it the whole time. And you moved it in my direction. Yeah. And I was like covering the can

while I was drinking the rest of it. And I'm like, nope, nope, not today. Nope, nope, nope nope came home and immediately like these vitamin c gummies say to like take two a day i took like four i've i've got vitamin or one of the emergency i've done like three of these since i got home i'm like this motherfucking lard who sits like knowing you're that fucking sick and going on a plane is really dickish. And it's just gross because you'll sit there and like, I think I've developed like resting bitch face.

Like I can't hide my contempt for people at times. So every time this guy would sneeze, I would turn towards him and just have this look on my face. And I'd look at you and I'd be like this. Well, eventually I texted you because we sat there for 40 minutes before we took off so I texted you and I'm like I can't with this fucking guy and you're welcome because again if we didn't switch seats you would have had the middle seat next to that big motherfucker imagine how that would have went I would have rather died I would have opened up the side emergency door and I would have fucking just I would have db coopered out of that fucking plane and said I can't with have fucking just I would have DB Cooper'd out of that fucking

plane and said I can't with this fucking guy I was already I was tempted I was so tempted I didn't know how to do it without there's no way to do without being an asshole because he wasn't like a chatty guy thank god um but I at one point was like okay maybe he's gonna go to the bathroom and I'm just gonna ask the flight attendant like can we isolate this guy like is there an open seat like with no one else in the row because like this is awful it was gross and he would keep sneezing and then like the cart being his nose with like his back of his hand and everything was so awful and then he would then the drink cart just happened to stop next to him for what seemed like an hour so he would just be sitting there as they pull out these open cans of sody pops and teas and tomato juices and just keep sneezing. And then like putting the

fucking napkin up his nose and leaving it there. And I'm like, am I a dick for being grossed out by this? Because on the flight there, somehow something on my nose was cut and I didn't notice it was bleeding and it would not stop bleeding so I had to sit there in the seats putting like a towel on my nose to the point that I eventually had to ask the the flight attendant for a band-aid so my dumb ass I'm looking like fucking Neil Smith Jerry Rice over here with a big band-aid across my nose like a breathe right strip trying to stop it from bleeding we get to pk and denise's house i think oh it's probably done bleeding i take the fucking band-aid off and it's still goddamn bleeding yeah that was that was remarkable but we were in a good spot for that because we were in the very very very back of the plane or like the bathroom was right behind us so

it wasn't like someone's behind you staring you're like oh god why is this guy's nose and it wasn't like a nosebleed just like a like aple or something. Something that was on my nose, like cut open, like there was a scab and I must have scratched it. And this shit would not stop. That's less disgusting than someone just audibly hacking

and sneezing and wiping snot all over their hands and then there's snot tissues everywhere. Yeah, like I'm not going to get you sick with my blood, I don't believe. Unless you drink it or something, which would be weird, but maybe you're into that. But, um, but this guy just kept going and it was obnoxious.

It'd be one thing if it was the sneezing, but it was the constant like stuffing the snot back down. I'm like, you're just fucking gross, dude. And maybe he knows he's gross. Like perhaps he's sad. Then he's like, I know I'm gross. Like I would have told the aisle. I'd be like, listen, I'm fucking disgusting and I'm sorry. Maybe you should put on a mask. I don't know.

Oh, I probably would have made a joke of it, too. But if I was, like, sniffling and sniffing that bit, I would feel bad. Jilly's over here like, I'm going to go bury your asses and be like, Rona, Rona. Like, I think I would ask at that point, like, should I sit somewhere else? But, like, this kind of comes into the world of airplane etiquette because um i saw a video and i think the video ended up being fake but some people having a fight on a plane over somebody reclining the seat look you don't recline the seat it's just i understand there's a button there and it reclines don't recline the fucking seat honestly there's less room on like a spirit flight or a Frontier, but I appreciate that those seats do not recline.

And I agree. Although these flights were pretty comfortable. Like I felt like I didn't feel like I didn't have a ton of room. Here's another key thing for guys like that have guts like myself, especially when you sit down. Most airplanes, and I'm sorry that I was just rubbing my belly. Like I'm just like, hey, look at me. But like when you pull the tray down a lot of times that tray won't it will extend too far and like you can't put a drink or an ipad on it because

like your stomach causes it to lift a little bit did not happen on this flight now maybe my gut's smaller than it used to be that's i mean jarro as we discussed i think on that podcast with pk that got deleted because i don't know what the fuck was on it. But we did discuss that PK is. I just remembered, like, you know, I went into Twitch mode, which is like putting $100 and we'll do tequila shots. But then everyone else just said, fuck it, let's do tequila shots. And I said, I was trying to make you guys some money, but OK. And then we did a lot of tequila shots. And then I went to bed.

Yeah, that's usually how you operate when we do these kind of things. You're the biggest instigator. And then within an hour, it was like, I'm out. Again, me and Denise together is a bad combo. We know this. So then we were discussing this with PK that he might be the only person who's gotten fatter taking Manjaro.

Like he is the anti-serum for Manjaro. It's like when you watch Outbreak and we're like, we need to find the anti-serum to stop the Ebola virus. PK defeated Manjaro. So congrats to PK. He got fatter taking Manjaro.

And I don't know what the fuck we talked about on this podcast. I'm sure some, like I think M.W. Solgrove was in there for a while, Mark. So maybe if he listens to this pod, which I think he does, he'll let me know like what we talked about. I do remember looking up at one point and I think we were discussing like nothing overly seriously political, but like you're drunk and you're kind of rambling, you know. And I see just M.W. Solgrove in this chat and it says, nope, Josh is right. And I'm like, fuck, what did I say? I know that's that's I think when that's when Denise and I checked out, we're like, oh, we're doing politics. Peace out.

And it wasn't like overly serious. I don't think both of us were just like, okay, we're going to go downstairs and find more alcohol. And then at some point, I don't know who did it. It wasn't me. Cause I, in all of my drunkenness, I don't go to fireball. I know myself well enough. Even like, even you went back to uh to the rumpty on this trip which is something you don't do and it was delish it was and that's because we had

halal before we got to the lsu bar and that garlic sauce kicked it was good but like we were all like holy shit this is embarrassing so we had to order rumplemans and it was good it turns out when you do one rumpleman and not like seven it's good but when you do seven it's still good but anyway i don't go to fireball fireball is one of those ones for me that i know is an instant headache it's sticky i don't like the taste i hate it and the next morning i get up i spilled fireball on myself when we were hanging out with hoops remember i'd picked up the shot and my entire shirt was disgusting and sticky and awful. I hate fireball. Don't like it.

So at one point, Denise and I went down. We got what was left of like a Santo tequila that we had bought the last time we were there. Finished that, brought up another bottle of tequila. And then I went to bed. Next morning, I wake up. There's an open bottle of fireball almost totally gone just on their kitchen counter. And the lid's not on it yeah so i don't know if you two monsters went downstairs and drank more fireball or what you

did i have no fucking clue i don't remember that but it's possible but it sure looks like someone went downstairs cracked open that fireball and uh took a few swigs i have a gift i don't know what to tell you i'm blessed i'm able have, especially when it's an all day thing where I'm not like I was more fucked and felt terrible on Saturday when we went over to Woodrow's to watch the early games and I pounded like seven or eight beers really quickly when I pace myself

a little bit better like I did on Sunday because we were at the game and we didn't tailgate so you'd have like a beer a quarter or whatever then have some after. I agree. I thought I was doing a great job of pacing myself too until we got home. Yep. And then well to be fair we were playing Yahtzee at

this random bar which was a cool bar and I forgot what it was called but it was a cool bar. It was right next to this Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. It was something about like Red House the red route. The red something. It's called Henderson Heights I think. And it's a cool little bar and that's the thing i miss about uh houston is like you just hit up all these really cool little bars

you'll find a couple of them right next to each other and bounce around if you find the right kind that aren't overly crowded they're fucking fantastic so um we did that and then sometime around the time we were playing yahtzee is when everybody but me was like super fucked. And that's why I was able to win the Yahtzee game. Not trying to brag here. Killed the Yahtzee. I had to be the scorekeeper. And PK was blown away by my beautiful mind as it relates to determining what I'm going to do in Yahtzee.

He's like, bro, how the fuck do you do this? I'm like, I don't know. I got a beautiful mind. Would you like to go write the equations on the window here? And you can see how I come up with what I do in Yahtzee, how I'm a Yahtzee savant, I guess. But so we had a good trip. We had a good time until we got on the plane on the way back and had to sit next to sneezy McFatfuck, who's like just gross. And look, this is not nice, but I can say this as a fat guy. It's grosser when it's fat slovenly people. Like if you were sitting next to some dainty little gal and she was sick, it would still be

gross, but you'd be like, I'm okay with it. Like it's gross. And I might give you bitchy looks. And this is just not nice. It's like anti fat guy sentiment, anti fat people sentiment. And I am fat. So I know people have looked at me this way before. I know when I've had to sit next to people I don't know on planes I know they hate it because I'm a bigger dude too but like you weren't snotting all over the place that's a I don't care if he's fat I don't care about that whatever but like well I'm just letting you know how I feel I felt I was being prejudiced towards him even more because he was fat and gross looking. And that's not nice. But since I'm fat and gross looking, I can do that because I am one of them. Although I don't feel like I'm as fat and as gross looking as this guy.

And I did not have a goatee because it's not 1998. So I didn't have a goatee, which is the most pointless facial hair on the planet, by the way, other than the soul patch but i found it even more disgusting because of the way the person looked and i felt kind of dickish about that but i couldn't hide my disdain it was just like and i'm not a larry david type who will confront people about it like i don't i can't curb the people i will just sit back with a disgusted look on my face larry would have done what I wanted to do, which is ask, like, ring the little call button and be like, this guy.

What are we doing? Miss, he's disrespecting the plane by sneezing. He's getting us all sick. You're jostling the fetus. I mean, they tell people they can't get on the plane if they're too drunk. I think if you're that sick, visibly sick, to the point you have, like, snot all over your face they need to tell you to go home no flying for you nope we'll rebook you get the fuck out of

dodge you sick fuck that's what we should start telling people oh but whenever it was the rona oh god everything would get canceled we'd move everything we put fucking arrows on the floor at the grocery store and the old people couldn't shop after seven but all this shit but you can let fucking nose-blowing mcgee over here and sneezy come into the plane and just sit next to you like on top of you and just sneeze and cough and sneeze and cough then hand you your drink you're like nope don't hand me my drink i'll grab it sneezy shut the fuck up so yeah so it's probably dickish but i don't give a shit i'm trying to get off the plane without touching his seat because then he had the aisle. So I'm like, just trying to like climb up my own middle seat.

And then I forget my sweatshirt under the seat. Like, fuck, I gotta go back. Oh no, no, no. I went back. You're like, you're like, Josh, grab my sweatshirt. And my face is like buried in the fucking seat where this guy was probably blasting sickly farts into it. And I'm sitting there just like god damn my life no the one i

will say the one thing he didn't smell at least oh i would have thought he would because oh we didn't talk well we talked about kevin on the other pod okay so we had an okay i'm pretty sure is this where you were going with this to kevin or no would you have something else i was just surprised that this man didn't smell which sounds really pitchy but it did look he looked like he would smell again I say that as someone who's very self-conscious of these things like when my fat rolls get a little sweat in them when you're stuck on these fucking planes with the hot air blowing on you um what I love is when you get on the plane initially like like it's almost like so cold that it's like you're in an icebox you could see the cold air

blowing a lot of the times then by the time you sit down before you start taxiing they're like nope time to turn it up to 90 and let's see what happens but the guy we're talking about kevin who was our uber driver from tennessee this is the first uber driver i've ever encountered wearing a sleeveless shirt i usually like i might I might've, I've never seen someone in like a beater or shirtless or anything. This dude was in a cutoff sleeveless shirt. Okay. And his backstory was that he's a truck driver and somehow gets, he's in Texas now and he drives. First off, this motherfucker had the most like thick Tennessee hillbilly smoky in the bandit truck driver accent. And he was a hoot.

But I really couldn't focus on how much of a hoot he was because he smelled awful. See, I was not, I didn't smell him, quite honestly, because the guy next to me at the Texans game. Oh, my God. Like awful, awful, awful. He was, there was a seat in the middle it was a buffer seat right yeah until the row filled up and then he had to sit right next to me i was like holy fuck well can you describe the smell it was terrible i mean it's just bo to the max yeah so if it's bo then it's that kind of oniony type of man bo that ripe is how he just smelled ripe his

pits were barking oh but this guy was sleeveless driving the uber and it's in a small little car where five people are tacked just like packed into this tiny car and it stunk and i mean like i really couldn't breathe and i and like i didn't know if i was the only one who smelled it so when we got out i'm like pk did you because he was sitting right next to him he's like i didn't know you guys could smell this motherfucker. And I'm like, yeah, he smelled fucking terrible, dude. His stories were somewhat interesting. He was hysterical.

I tipped him like five bucks. No, actually, I tipped him. I think I tipped him like seven, eight bucks for an Uber ride. But he was funny. And gross. But he was a hoot. I would have enjoyed him more if the smell wasn't. I mean, like, I'm not.

I didn't smell him because I think I was nose blind, as the Febreze commercial would say, after the fella at the Texans game. Might have been. But so that was our weekend in Houston. It was quite a time. And I don't know. We watched the LSU game. That was really cool, too. We did go all the way out to Gessner. Yeah, we went ice house on gesner out there no it was really awesome it was a good time other than lsu losing uh but uh it was we did we got gigged by those fucking assholes so

we gigged no we gigged ourselves no one gigged us lsu gigged themselves they weren't ready for the dipshit running quarterback and they fucked themselves they were not gigged themselves. They weren't ready for the dipshit running quarterback, and they fucked themselves. They were not gigged. They did the gigging to themselves. So it sucked. But anyway, so maybe we'll get into some sportsy stuff here next go-round, but I wanted to share that story with all of you about the experience and the Uber and the airplane and everything else.

We appreciate you guys. Be good.