The Josh Innes Show - Drunken Ramblings

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

Sunday night football just ended and we had every intention of talking about football. But, I just go off on random tangents. Topics include: The neighbors annoying dogs Ross's reaction to the neighbors annoying dogs Local News Broadcasts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The following was recorded from inside an ice plunge. Ah! Woo! Okay. All right. When a Coors Light is cold enough, the mountains on the can turn blue. So the next time you want a cold lager, cold filter, cold package Coors Light, just wait until those glorious mountains on the can turn blue.

Whew. It's easy to say that fast when you're freezing gold. All right, so this doofus jamoke from the Redskin commander team just proposed to his old lady on the field after the Redskins won. It's commanders. Sorry, the Commander-skins won. Although I think they want it to be the Redskins, right? Isn't that, like, a big thing? Well, I mean mean the fans have always wanted that now i mean like the native american

folks they want it to be the red skins again well look at the native americans want it then that's that's how it shall be it should be but as you know here in america uh we're more concerned with the the uh the feelings of white liberal people than we are the people who they claim to be offended on behalf of. So if you offend the white liberal people, the people like in our neighborhood, when you walk by and they have signs that read, in this house, we believe blank, blank, blank, blank, and blank. Those are the people that we really make our decisions for. Not for the people who we claim are offended, even though none of them actually say they're offended. It's just the white people being offended on behalf of them because liberal white people tend to be the worst. No offense if you're a liberal white person listening

and not all liberal white people. I want to be very clear because I probably lean in that direction. You know what? It's a fucking stupid discussion. If you're somebody that has a sign in your yard that says in this house, we believe like love is love and all that, then you're just a dipshit. And I probably wouldn't like you. And I don't know why you listen to the podcast. And while we're talking about that, again, I don't know how I went off on this tangent. This is like 13, 14 Bush lattes on a Sunday night after Sunday night football and epic sunday of football all i'm gonna say is i don't dislike you if you're a hardcore liberal person but you're the type of people that care far more about a name like the redskins than native americans

probably do because they got other shit that they're concerned with like doing native american shit and like casinos and shit that That's what they're concerned with. They're not concerned about the sensibilities of some dipshit-ass, liberal-ass white person who's got a sign in their yard that says, in this house we believe that love is love and science is real, which we did see in the neighborhood today because our neighborhood is filled with a bunch of douchey people. Hopefully it will not be our neighborhood much longer.

Hopefully we will have a new neighborhood come the new year. New year, new you, time for a glow up. So I guess we'll have to see. But anyway, glad you guys are listening. Whenever you're listening to this, this is being recorded on December 29th at about 1048 p.m., which means that by the time you're hearing this, it's probably December 30th, which means it's the eve of New Year's Eve. And then there's going to be a new year. And when there's a new year, who knows what could happen? Although it is funny to me, and this is a total random thought that I had the other day. I saw something about how it was like a commercial. And it was like, you know, like X percent of people stop their, you know, like give up on their New Year's resolutions by the third week of January.

And it's like, I like the idea that a new year like completely just eliminates all of your fuckery from the previous year. It's like, like if you're still a dipshit, you're a dipshit on January 1st of the next year. Like, but everybody's like, oh, let me tell you, man, this new year, things are going to change for me. What the fuck's the difference between January 1st and December 31st? So you're a fuck up December 31st. But January 1st, it's like, nope, it's a new me. Well, a lot of people do dry January, but like those people must not watch football. A lot of people are communists.

That's great if you want to, you know, not drink. That's fine. But we once did dry February and we didn't drink for the Super Bowl that year you know what happened a week later the Rona so world shut the fuck down so I hope you're happy I hope you're happy that the fact that we didn't drink in February of 2020 means that we brought the Rona I hope you're happy that we brought the Rona and that's what not drinking alcohol does and I remember like saying that to you like because we had just gone to this is the night that you went out and

ran away in the snow. We couldn't find you. We were at Nikki and Brad's house in Chicago and you're like, all right, I need to not drink for a month. And then we didn't and we didn't drink for the Super Bowl that year and it's very strange and the world shut down. So we decided never to do that again. But yeah,

dry January is a big thing for people. Like, oh, new year, you know, I'm going to be sober for the first month. Obviously, you don't watch the NFL playoffs because we will not be sober in January. No, because we got bets to make. We got shit to do. We got partying to do. We got dogs to walk. We got all sorts of shit going on.

So you know what? Let's fucking rock. Here's what we'll do uh we'll we'll break down some of these we'll do a couple of pods here first i guess we can get into our bets that hit and didn't because we had some fun jilly actually got some wins today jilly is the the best worst better ever because she gets like 90 of her shit right but because she plays eight leg parlays that first of all i pay like four leg parlays but they're never in the right order they're not eight leg.

And they're like, they're like, I didn't say you were dumb. I'm saying that like, because you put so many legs in these parlays and they, and you put like $3 on them again, who cares? Point being is I'm going to play a couple of commercials for you here. We'll talk about our bets from today.

And then we'll do another pod for you looking at the games. And cause all the match will not all the playoff matchups are not set. But the matchups and the times and the games for the final week. Actually, we'll do that first. We'll do that. So the first thing we'll do is we'll look at the games and how everything shakes out coming up next week. Because they've already announced the schedule for next week. And there's some games that matter some that don't i cannot wait

to get that uh like start reading the stories about what uh like players are looking for incentives in week 18 because those are the motherfuckers we're betting on do we bet on saquon barkley i don't know that the game does not matter to the eagles do we do okay now well you know i'm shifting course again we're not going to talk about the matchups yet. We're going to talk about gambling first. Then we'll do another podcast with the matchups and everything. I feel like the matchups and the gambling would go hand in hand. They very well could. They very well could.

But I'm just going to look at our gambling. You know what? I'm flipping course again. We're going to play commercials. A mess. We're going to play the commercials. Then we're going to look at next week's matchups because the schedule. We'll look back on these games today.

We'll look at the games. You just said like seven things. Okay. So here's what we're going to do. I'm doing one podcast episode right now that will include looking at next week's schedule, but also looking back on the games that happened today and how we got to next week's schedule. So we're not talking about bets for next week's schedule, but also looking back on the games that happened today and how we got to next week's schedule. So we're not talking about bets for next week's schedule. We're just simply stating next week's schedule.

Yes. And then we're going to do a separate podcast where we will talk about gambling. Not everybody's into the gambling conversation. Many of you are because you're degenerates, but not everybody is. So we'll do a separate one for talking about how the gambling and everything looks for next week. Again, we'll do an early look ahead to the lines and everything for next week. But right now, we're just going to look at the schedule and see who thinks is going to fucking win. I don't know.

I'm all over the place. I apologize to all of you. Our dog gets us up at like 6.30 in the morning. I don't sleep. I apologize to all of you. Our dog gets us up at like 6.30 in the morning. I don't sleep. I don't sleep anymore. Our little puppy over here, Ross, he wakes up every day like... Let me play

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with a tv and everything and they never fucking sit out there it's two german shepherds they have two german shepherds in their big backyard that has an awesome covered patio with a tv that they never sit it i've never seen them sit there. But at 6.30 every morning, these sons of bitches let their gigantic German shepherds out into the yard. And those German shepherds just can't take a leak without barking. They can't just walk outside and go like, hey, I'm going to take a peaceful 6.30. Birds are chirping. There's dew on the ground. It's still dark out. They can't just go out there and have a nice, peaceful pee, poop, whatever it is they do. They can't do that. No, these dogs have to go out and the second the

door opens. Oh, no, Ross. Oh, no, no, don't be. Oh, no, Ross popped up. That was not a real dog, Ross. That was me. But thank you. I mean, I feel good about myself. I feel like I did a pretty good dog impression. You're a beautiful boy and I love you two weeks to we're two weeks strong I'll get you an anniversary present tomorrow Ross Ross also going to daycare for the first time tomorrow so we'll see how that goes I think he's a pretty solid boy but anyway so the sons of bitches next door their dogs bark at like 6 30 in the morning and Ross doesn't really have the ability to hear these dogs bark next door and then go oh fuck them and Luther said fuck it that's like Luther would hear these dogs bark he might perk up a little bit and then go uh fuck it I'm going back to sleep that's not how Roscoe over here operates

oh no Ross hears these dogs next door and perks up and then even though it's pitch black in the fucking room gets up tells us he has to go to the fucking bathroom. So then we take him out to go to the bathroom. Problem with Ross is once he goes to the bathroom, he then has to eat. So this dog is always hungry. Now, understand that this was probably a street dog. When we walk him, he pops into every garbage can that's on the street. Ross, like there'll be all the garbage cans out for garbage day.

Ross stands up on his hind legs and starts looking into the garbage cans so fucking uh tramp over here probably went through every garbage can in town he was a dumpster diving street dog right so this dog is always hungry when we adopted him they were like well he could probably stand you know to gain up whatever we take him to the vet they're like no he could probably gain like two fucking pounds this guy is really underweight we're like okay fine so he's always hungry so when he wakes up at 6 30 because the dipshits let their dogs out next door and their dogs don't shut the fuck up uh Ross will then get up and also have to go to the bathroom then instead of just coming back in and going boy that was a good leak I'm gonna go to bed you know like any human would do like we like none of us want to get up at 4 30 in the morning to take a leak but we do so we get up we take a leak we fart we get back in bed right and we go to sleep ross doesn't do that when ross gets up to go to the bathroom outside when he goes pate

outside he comes back in and you say ross can you just come to bed he goes the fuck i'm going to bed i guess what's interesting to be fair to ross if he wakes up and has to pee at like three in the morning he'll come back to bed but if it's anywhere past six he's like nope breakfast nope so that means we have to get our asses up at like 6 fucking 30 to put food in the dog's bowl and then he eats the food and then then he goes back outside to poop, and then it's a matter of can we get him to come back into the room to relax? So today he did that. He came back in and we're like, good, just lay down.

Basically we forced him to come lay down. I'm like, Ross, you're a terrorist. I like you, but I don't negotiate with terrorists. You're going to bring your ass in here, you're going to lay in this fucking bed, and we're going to go to sleep for a little bit because it's 6 30 in the goddamn morning on a sunday and i'm not gonna do this so then he lays down and like we're like okay kind of half asleep whatever and then wouldn't you fucking know it the terrorists next door let their dogs out again like just when we're like all right ross is laying back down i might be able to sleep for 20 fucking

minutes here it's like having a baby. It's like having a Harry. Why don't you just put on the dog, we like the dog TV, like the fireplace you put on today. That was a good one. Yeah. So I'm like, I've got to find a way to make this damn dog relax. So I turn on YouTube and I'm like, you know what we're going to watch? Dog TV to see if it'll help this little bastard go to sleep.

But the part that's interesting about you, Roz, is the second you want to be asleep, you just sleep. Like right now, like all night you, Roz, is the second you want to be asleep, you just sleep. Like right now, like all night you've been a nuisance and you hop and you bop. And I don't want to make it sound like I don't want to play with the dog because I do. But nobody knows what he wants. Actually, I do know what he wants. He wants fucking treats nonstop.

So he always stands by the door because he knows if he goes outside and goes to the bathroom, he gets a treat. So this little son of a bitch will squirt out any ounce of liquid in his body. And the second he comes back in he goes right over to the cabinet and sits. Only thing he knows how to do is sit. Don't know how to shake,

don't know how to do anything but he knows how to sit and then he gets his ass over there, he sits until you give him a treat and then he'll go back outside again. He has monster tendencies

is all I'm saying. He's interesting because now he's like dead to the world. We're loud, we're like, hey Ross and he does not care.

Okay, so he's like once he's asleep, he's like dead to the world like we're loud we're like hey ross and like he does not care like okay so he's like once he's asleep he's asleep yeah but when he's not asleep he's like look how mad he is yeah he's like just let me sleep don't be a bitch mom just let me sleep oh but at 6 30 when those monster dogs come outside and bark a couple times. Ross is like, well, I guess it's time to eat, boys. Time to make me breakfast. So with that said, tomorrow, Ross is going to daycare for the first time. Then we get to talk to a trainer lady about him. And I'm like, listen, I'll pay whatever I have to to make walking easier with this little guy. I don't want him to not enjoy himself and get to explore and shit. But he sees a person and we we just lose him he just won't stop you see another dog we just lose him if there's a dog on the other side of the road luther would have just ignored the bastard and said i don't care about you whereas

ross is like i am completely interested in everything about you you said anything like 12 times this dog is like dead asleep when he's asleep he's asleep, he's asleep. He does not care. But then once he's decided that he's up, oh, and by the way, this dog does not sleep at the end of the bed or like we have an ottoman at the end of the bed that Luther used to like jump up to get on the bed and that's where he'd sleep a lot of the time, where he'd sleep at the end of the bed. That's not how old

Ross operates over here. Ross sleeps literally with his entire body on our pillow. He curls up on the pillow against the wall. There's no headboard, but there's a wall. So he sleeps curled up on our pillow above our head on the bed. He makes no sense. He likes to be close to us.

He makes no sense. But he's a lovely boy. He's got boundless energy. He almost caught a squirrel apparently this morning. Yeah, it was close. It was really close. He's got boundless energy. He almost caught a squirrel, apparently, this morning. Yeah, it was close. It was really close. He's going to get one. Luther got one.

If Luther got one, Ross will get one. But we also know that Luther caught one because that was probably a dumb, handy, capable squirrel. Like, something happened to that squirrel, and he suffered an injury, and Luther got him. I'm not trying to diminish him. That's like saying, you know, like, hey, congrats, Indiana. You made the playoff because your schedule sucked but that's kind of what it was for Luther like Luther like basically it's like saying well we beat Florida State last year well yeah you kicked the shit out of Florida State because their quarterback was hurt and

then nobody played in the game that's how Luther was like Luther caught a squirrel because Luther caught probably a pre-injured squirrel. He was only three at the time. He had some energy at the time. That's true. But this little guy over here, tell you what, now they're showing, by the way, I don't know if you guys heard that Jimmy Carter died.

Based on the pictures we saw of the man, the man's been dead forever. But I see Biden on TV looking old. I forget that Biden's even the president. I forget that Biden's even the president. Like, I forget that he's legitimately the president still. And that's kind of how it operates. But Jimmy Carter's dead. It seemed like that was likely after, you know, we saw that picture of him when he was apparently excited to go vote for Kamala.

But he looked like the grandpa in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Like, they're trying to put the pencil in his hand or whatever to go vote for Kamala, he keeps dropping it and they're like come on grandpa vote for that bitch and he's in the back there like just trying to pick up the pencil and he can't pick up the pencil and he keeps dropping and he's just a dead grandpa and that's what he looked like basically I also like when people have to localize stories about people to die and I know I said we would talk we'll do the football thing in a second this will be its own episode now because I'm off on a tangent. But I'm watching this and like anytime something happens, you have to localize it for the news.

So the local news is on, Jimmy Carter's dead, right? They're just showing old video of Jimmy Carter when he made a visit to St. Louis in 1979. They're like, hey guys, we finally get to pull out this old footage of Jimmy Carter coming to town. Wow, it's wild to see people in downtown St. Louis that are alive. Generally speaking, the ones you see are either homeless or dead. But look at that.

Bunch of people down there to celebrate Jimmy Carter. How about that? 1979. They're like, listen, we're never going to get to show this shit again. So this is what we've got. We've got old Jimmy Carter footage and he is dead and we're going to see it. But man, that dude was a corpse. Like that picture they showed of him when he was apparently going to vote for Kamala and he was proud to go vote for Kamala. My man's

was a corpse. But anywho, um, other stuff going on. So Ross going to daycare tomorrow and he's going to get, uh, he's going, and we're going to meet his trainer, and we're going to get you whipped into shape, old partner. Look, I like you. I like your energy. I like the cut of your jib. I like you. You're a fun guy.

You just need to kind of tighten up a little bit. You got to tighten up. You got to a little tighten up over there, and then you're good to go. He's knocked out now. Like, look, basically Jilly is just doing a, like he's in a sleeper hold. And she's lifted his arm now twice. And if he doesn't hold it up after this one, he's out. It's a DQ.

So he's out. But, yeah. So that's what's going on with Ross. I know I like to update you guys. People like it. I get emails from people that like updates on Ross. He's a good boy. I think he likes other dogs. I think he misses other dogs. He lived with other dogs before and they provided him with great energy and friendship and companionship. So he totally likes other dogs. So we'll see if we'll eventually get another dog whenever we move. That's whenever we move. Hopefully that's very soon.

And yeah. Now we're focused on President Carter's many visits to St. Louis. Who the fuck cares? Like, I'm not trying to be disrespectful to the gentleman because he is dead. And I don't even know anything about him politically because I don't give a shit. But like, who gives a fuck that the guy came to town and signed some books in 2009 like who gives a shit like why is this news like like like I'm sure there's something else you could talk about on the local news that isn't hey

Jimmy Carter's old ass showed up many many years ago in St. Louis wow there's a whole YouTube link now that you could do QR code this thing and go watch all the many times that Jimmy Carter came to town. And then now you get all the local politicians offering their opinions on Jimmy Carter. Like who the fuck cares? Like the guy's out of sight, out of fucking mind. I thought he was dead until I saw him at the voting for Kamala. Anyway, I love you guys. I did not mean to be mean to the people early in the pod. Although some of you are dipshits.

And I like you, but some of you are dipshits. But anyway, Dick Durbin. That's a fun name. That's Senator. Oh, yeah, that's that guy that he was angry about something that was talking about. Oh, his was one of the sports betting things the other day that he doesn't like prop bets and oh by the way forever like i remember him like in high school like i yeah now we're getting to the good news man charged in deadly schnooks gun battle schnooks is the local grocery store it's like heb if heb sucked and um apparently there was a gun battle

at see that's the kind of news i'm here for not like oh the old president's dead i'm here to hear about some dudes shooting at each other at the schnooks in fairness that does look like a schnooks or some shit would go down um where is that oh that's got to be in the city oh it's from ferguson okay that tracks so there was a deadly schnook shooting so now you guys know. Anyway, all right. We'll get this one up there for you, and then we will do some football and gambling talk. How about that?