The Josh Innes Show - I Pissed My Pants

Episode Date: November 24, 2025

I've never felt greater shame than the shame I felt Friday afternoon when I pissed my pants...in the car.. Here's the story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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But nothing will top sitting in your car and pissing your pants as far as being at the top of the mountain for worst situations ever. Let's get into it after these words. So, on Friday, I was taking my dog for a walk around one of these neighborhoods, a nice little neighborhood, a little upper middle class neighborhood of Detroit out in the suburbs called Berkeley. Just a wonderful neighborhood, and I'd love to live there. It's just great. It's like a perfect neighborhood for me, nice little downtown, a couple little bars, great little houses and all that. I just, I love it, very walkable. So I'd take Ross over there once or twice a week, and, you know, I show him what we could have if dad didn't have a debilitating gam.

problem. And so we're walking around and I drink a lot of water at work. So I pee a lot. And I'm just getting old. I'm like an old man. I'm 39. I pee a lot. This is my life. I don't know what to tell you. So we're walking around and about an hour into it. I start getting that sense that I'm going to have to pee pretty soon. And in this neighborhood, there are parks and these parks have bathrooms. The problem is they close these bathrooms for the season. Now, some of these parks have porta potties. And I known them to have porta potties. So it's nothing new for me to find, you know, a place with a port-a-potty. The hard part is getting my dog to go into the porta-potty, which is fascinating because he will not go in. He will not go into bathrooms or port-a-potties. I don't know if he's had some sort of issue with this in the past or what. If someone, like, abandoned him in a port-a-john, but he will not go in them. So I have to pick him up and stand him next to me in the port-a-pottie while I take a leak. It is what it is, whatever.

So, I go to one of these parks looking for a porta potty, and I cannot find the port-a-potty. It's gone. Like, I'm like, shit. When I went to that park and realized that there was no porta-potty, my heart sank, because I'm like a mile or so, a mile and a half away from the car, and I know that this is going to be difficult. Because my fail-safe, like I had a hunch that the bathrooms were going to be closed, because a lot of the bathrooms around here are closed this time of year. You find very few that are open.

But when I realized there was no porta potty at this park, I knew I was pretty fuck. So I'm like, Ross, listen, buddy, we got to get back to the car. That is our only choice. We have one choice in life. And that is to, like, we got to go. We got to go. So I start trying to haul ass back to the car. And it's getting to that point where, like, you have to dance and spin.

And, like, pinch your peeing as if that's going to stop pee from coming out. But every time he'd stop to sniff something, I'm like, Ross, we've got to go. So I start, like, running and shit. And I'm, like, running all over the place. I'm trying to get back to the car. And the thing about this little downtown area is, first of all, I have a dog with me. So there's not a lot of places I can walk into to pee, right? That's number one.

Like, no one's going to let me walk into the store with my dog. There is no, like, I don't know, ride aid. Or there's, I say ride aid, but there's no Walgreens or any of these type of place. It's a drug store that has a bathroom in there. So it's not like I could have ran him back to the car and then ran into one of these places. None of these. They're restaurants. They're not going to let me go in there and take a leak.

They're little boutiques. They're not going to let me go in there and take a leak. There's one gas station, but it's down the road. It's not even close as far as I can recall. So I'm struggling. And I know that things are going to go poorly here. But I get him into the car. I start the car.

And I'm like, I've got to find a bathroom. Like, I've never felt this kind of pain having to pee. Like it is like a little bit's dribbling out I'm trying to pinch it with my fingers As if that's gonna help But I remember another park Where there's been a porta potty in the past So I'm like I gotta get to that park

But I don't know how to find the park It's like buried in this neighborhood And I don't remember what street it's on So I'm driving down there I'm worried as all hell I'm like oh God I'm gonna end up pissing on myself What do I do? So in the car with me

I have a cup From smoothie king Like a 32 ounce cup And I'm thinking all right, I can probably pee in this cup, all right? So I start trying to untie my pants. I'm wearing like joggers, like sweats. And my fat is hanging over into the area of the waistband, and I cannot get untied.

I cannot get them untied. And it's at that moment, I can't find the park. I'm in the car. We're driving. I can't find the park. And I cannot get my pants untied. And if life were simple, we could just, you know, take a leak in a bush and life would be fine. But you can't do that because you're all of a sudden you're on the fucking sex offender list if you take a piss on a bush somewhere.

So like you're stuck. What are you supposed to do? So last ditch effort. I'm trying to find this park while also trying to untie my pants. I'm blowing through stop signs trying to get to this park. I have nowhere to go where there is a bathroom. So I know that if I can't get my pants undone and I pee into this cup, then it's over. So my hand is in my pants and I'm like feeling around trying to like pull my

junk out to try to pee, but my pants are so tight. It's the tightest a pair of sweats have ever been. So I pull, I try to pull it out. I can't. My hand is on my junk and I'm like, you know what? Yolo. And I just start peeing in the car. And it's the biggest pee in the history of peas. I'm pissing on my hand. It's starting to work its way down, like downward into the seat. So it's in my ass. Then there's other part of it that's going down my leg of my pants into my fucking shoes. So I've got urine-filled shoes. I've got, you know, I got piss going down my leg. I got piss going into my ass. It's everywhere. And it just won't stop. So I'm sitting there driving while pissing, feeling shame. Like you can ring the shame. You can ring the shame.

bell shame shame Ross is sitting in the back seat he's judging me and why wouldn't he I'm the leader I'm the guy that's supposed to be the dominant force in this household and I'm pissing on myself in the car and I'm just sitting in there and it goes down

and so much of it goes down we have those like rubber mats like I forgot what they're called like something tech weather tech maybe and like so the way they're set up is they're kind of like bent upwards like it's like makes like a bowl almost right so nothing can leak out of it. So there's just urine running down my leg into these weather tech floorboards.

So I'm standing like my shoes are in a puddle of piss. My ass is soaked in piss. And I'm just sitting in this car and I don't know what to do with myself. So I'm like, I can't like go to the car wash because I've clearly pissed myself. I got the dog in the car anyway. And it took me forever. Like I'm like, it's going to take forever to get home. It's five o'clock. Traffic sucks. What am I supposed to do. These old back roads are clogged up. It takes me the longest 15 minutes ever to get home as I'm sitting there just soaking up, like just bathing in urine. And it's the worst. And I'm feeling shame. And I hate myself. And it's warm piss in fleece pants. It's the worst. But I get home, I get in. I know that I have

to encounter Jilly now. And it's going to go two ways. She's either going to be appalled because I've pissed in her car and she's going to be super pissed about it. So it's either going to be that or she's going to mock me endlessly or both. Either way, it's a bad situation for your boy. It's a losing situation for me. So I run into the house. I'm like, Jilly, I need, I'm trying to kind of hide it maybe. I might be able to hide the situation.

And I'm like, Jilly, where is like the smell good stuff? Like the spray for like, do we have any like cleanup shit like spray for carpet or like for smells? And she's like, I don't know. And she's also like, why are your pants wet? I'm like, fuck it, Jilly. You want to know the truth? You want to get it out of me?

God damn it. I pissed myself in the fucking car. There's a fucking river of urine sitting in the floorboard. The seat is soaking up my urine right now. Just find me the shit to spray in the car. She looks at me and just starts laughing her ass off at me, which hurts, but it's better than you motherfucker pissed in my car and you keep ruining my car. Go get a car of your own.

So at least I didn't get that. So I find this spray and it's like, it's for dog urine. It's the best I could do because I have to get home. I have to spray the dog urine smell good shit so that I can go to Walmart and go get some other smell good shit or some spray to try to sop up this urine and all that. So I start spraying it. I go try to go get the car wash. There's nowhere to get the car washed on the inside. So I go to Walmart to get some spray.

the car now smells like a kennel and you know what that smell is like when you go to a kennel or you see a dog you know a dog adoption place you know the smell i'm talking about like there's been urine there and there's this spray that you spray that kind of masks it but it just smells like a kennel and it's the worst it's just dreadful and it smells awful because yes it smells semi clean but not like totally clean right Like, it feels like that. Like, it just feels awful. So I'm watching that and I'm in the car and it's awful and I'm smelling it. And then I go buy some other shit to spray and that just masks the odor that's on top of that. It's just a mess. Like, it is gross and disgusting and awful. So with that said, I, um, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I had a bad Friday. I had a horrible Friday. I've pissed myself. I've never, like, knowingly pissed myself before. You know, I've never sat there. Like, I don't recall ever sitting there and just saying, yolo. Like, and while it's happening, you feel like a heinous individual. You feel like a Neanderthal as you just sit there and piss on yourself and you can't stop.

And I'm pissing on my hand like a Moisesaloo. And I'm like, what do I do with my soul? What has become me like dudes have pooped themselves before, but there's a lot of ways to accidentally poop yourself, right? You go like, oops, I farted dads as a poop. You know, I've told you the stories about me pooping myself on walks before in the compression shorts. It's terrible, but it is what it is. And it sucks. It sucks big time. But pissing yourself is considerably worse. Like, it is the absolute worst. I cannot, I cannot. I I cannot think of a worse scenario than sitting in the car as you're pissing yourself and know you can't stop and know that you're a filthy, dirty piggy. And I have felt shame. I have felt shame all day and all week and it's terrible. And maybe some of you have peed yourself before.

It's a pain that I don't want you to have to deal with because it's terrible. It's filthy and awful And wet and warm and dreadful That is all