The Josh Innes Show - I'm Officially A Dipshit

Episode Date: March 6, 2025

I've been told by a listener that I talk too much about Door Dash. Well, that's what's going on in my life. That said, I made my most random delivery to date. I got paid more money for this delivery than any other. Plus, I did something while Door Dashing that is truly one of the dumbest things I've ever done. It's a doozy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Find us at DignityMemorial.ca. The Dignity Memorial brand name is used to identify a network of licensed funeral cremation and cemetery providers owned and operated by affiliates of Service Corporation International. Hello, friends. What's going on? Hello, greetings, salutations. Josh and Ross hanging out with you today. Fresh off a nice little stroll. Ready to communicate.

Not a ton going on in my life other than door dashing. Speaking of the door dashing, which, by the way, if you would like an update, today is Thursday morning. I have not dashed yet today, but again, I'm not here to promote door dash. I don't work. I mean, I guess I kind of sort of work for, I don't know, but I'm not here to tell you what to do with your life. However, I will tell you that this week I have made nearly $400 door dashing so far this week. And I go about two hours, two and a half hours at lunchtime and two, two and a half hours at night. So about five hours of work. So let's just say I've door dashed for 15 hours.

I made close to $400 doing this. So $400 divided by 15, making like $26 an hour door dashing. So again, you also have to pay for gas. You got it. You know, there's other factors that go into it. I get it. So it's not all, I mean, once you get into the profit, like, let's just say I run up a couple, you know, 30, 40, 50 bucks in gas, whatever, over the course of a week, whatever,

we're still making, you know, 450 bucks. So it's better than zero. It's better than relying on the fucking unemployment office who I'm not even bothering with. I'm not going to bother with the unemployment office because they're probably just going to come try to bust my ass anyway. In Missouri, $300 is the weekly allowance or $325, something like that is the weekly allowance for unemployment. From what I have found out, the reason I didn't get the first week's unemployment is because I didn't have the adequate number of work searches to uh to qualify this they're like

Nazis with this shit here they are Nazis you think I'm not out there trying to find a fucking job you think I'm not out there trying to call radio stations all the time you think I'm not reaching out to other businesses in other cities saying hey if radio doesn't work out here in the next month or two, I got to find something else. I'm looking. Sorry that I didn't go to fucking Indeed and say, hey, I'll take this job at Domino's. But it's such bullshit the way this shit operates. I don't want your fucking money though. I'm making more money at this point doing DoorDash than I would be making $300 a week sitting on my ass being a dick, a dipshit, being a dickhead sitting around like, Hey, I collected 300 bucks. What the fuck is the point

when I can go out and DoorDash and make 500 bucks in a week. And if I would have made 500 bucks plus the unemployment, they would have just docked the unemployment anyway. So fuck them. Do not move to Missouri. I know. I don't know what all the other states are like. I've lived in a bunch of them. A good number of them. Missouri is the worst. Don't move to Missouri. If you've got a good job in Nashville where they want to keep you, do not go to Missouri.

Even if they say, we'll give you a double what you're making. Don't go to Missouri. Even if they say, we'll pay you a double what you're making. Don't go to Missouri. Even if they say, we'll pay you a double and you get to work at the radio station your dad wanted to work for for his whole life. Don't go to Missouri. It is awful. Particularly St. Louis. Do not do it. Wherever your job is now, it cannot be worse. It cannot be worse. Maybe Delaware. But it can't be worse than this. So anyway, been dashing. That's what I've been doing.

Again, I've got people sending me messages saying they door dash. You almost feel like this thing's got to collapse at some point. How the hell is it that I'm just driving around bringing people Chick-fil-A and Chipotle, and I made $500 this week? It's fascinating. And if I just stayed out there all fucking day, I'd make like $1,000. Now, I brave the elements and everything else, but still. Now, I got a message from someone, a tweet from someone that said, very condescending tone, it was,

oh, is the podcast just going to be DoorDash filler shows now? First off, the whole fucking thing's a filler show i'm not sitting here splitting the atom or i'm not woodward and bernstein trying to bring down the president i'm talking about dumb shit it's all filler life is filler there is no substance here this is just this is all fruit high fructose corn syrup it's filler and it's bad for you okay that's all this is so like the idea that like well i need that real content like you you know talking about pete rose like look i can give you more of that if you want to call the the talk about door dash filler go ahead and call it filler but i've gotten a lot of messages from a lot of people that are

like hey i've enjoyed listening to this i think think the stories are funny. It's something different. It's something unique, something that other people aren't doing, sharing stories of DoorDash while you're out there looking for an actual job. So let me play a couple commercials here, and I've got some epic. Well, I don't know if I'd say epic. Well, one of the stories is pretty fucking wild. Not even wild. I'm doing a poor job of selling this.

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from where I was. That was fascinating. Well, Tuesday night, I find myself on the mean streets of St. Louis City. They smell like urine and marijuana. The streets are cluttered. There's nowhere to park. It's a shithole. It's a cesspool. And one thing they say, going back to when we first were moving here and we rented this place

that we decided to get out of because we found out it was in a shitty part of town. They say, if you're going to be down in St. Louis, you want to avoid the state streets. So like Michigan Avenue or Utah Avenue or whatever. There is a grocery store called Schnucks. And it's right there like in this area of this Tower Grove area. Look it up.

That you can have really nice areas of it and other areas that are like just the fucking grossest. It was that area that I saw somebody with a big blue tarp tent house in front of someone's house. Like it's not a great area. But then you go a couple places, and you're like, oh, it's not so bad. Then you go to another street, and it's like, holy shit, there's a pit bull off a leash, and he's going to eat me. Like, it's a weird combination of, oh, that's shitty. Oh, that's great. In a way, if you live in Houston, you go through Houston, you'll see areas where you're like, wow, there's like $10 million townh homes in a row. And then there's a shotgun house. And then like, so you get it, but it's,

it's weird down there. So there's a grocery store that's right down there. It's the local grocery store called Schnucks. It is widely known that that is the most dangerous Schnucks to attend in the city. They talk about it all the time. You do not want to go to that schnooks. People get robbed. It's not a good schnooks. You don't want to go to that schnooks.

That would have been our schnooks had me and Jilly decided to stay in that other place, which fortunately we didn't. Although it was $1,000 cheaper than this, now we know why. Every delivery I was making on Tuesday night seemed to be right down in this area, in this kind of like, like just kind of scary. It's dark. You know, when you deliver the shit at night, you can't really see the address. So you're kind of wandering around. It's kind of like, okay, whatever. Every delivery felt like it was in a part of town where I was going to get plugged, but there was like a boost on the door dash.

So every delivery you made was like an extra three bucks. And I'm like, well, fuck it. Daddy needs cash. So first off, I had to go to a chop suey place, as we discussed in a previous podcast. The chop suey, which looks delicious, is like the shit that the black dudes love, like the black Chinese food here that St. Louis is kind of known for but everywhere you go to get the real good shit is in like the worst fucking parts of town right so I had to go pick one of those orders up and bring it to someone's house in this other part of town which wasn't great either then I get a little ping on

the phone that says you can pick up two orders from a 7-eleven that's like 700 feet away from this delivery and I'm like I had two orders at 7-elevenleven that's like 700 feet away from this delivery. And I'm like, I had two orders at 7-Eleven. That can't be too hard. Two different people pick up their orders and bring them to them. Cool. It's $35 to do this, right? So I go to the 7-Eleven. I go up to the counter. I'm like, hey, miss, I'm looking for a, hello, nice lady. I'm looking for an order for Debra and Cody. So she gets Debra's order first. Here is what was Debra's order. It was a full pizza from 7-Eleven.

I did not know that 7-Eleven had full pizzas, but they do. It is a full, fully cooked pizza from 7-Eleven. That's number one. Number two, it was a hot cup of coffee from 7-Eleven. Third piece of this order was a carton of Newport cigarettes for Debra. So her order was Newport cigarettes, large, fully cooked pizza from 7-Eleven and a coffee. Then I had to pick up Cody's order. What did Cody order? Well, Cody ordered a frozen pizza from seven 11 and a 15 pack of Milwaukee's best and some sort of vaping shit might actually might have even been cigarettes. I couldn't really tell. Both of these places were like a mile away from

the seven 11. It was the easiest delivery shit ever, right? It was pick this up, take it over. I mean, it was all very close together. I made $35 to drive like two miles. Like sometimes it just works out that way where you're like, holy shit, it's a miracle. Other times you're driving 12 miles to deliver a guy one can of fucking beer. Debra though, nice lady. You walk up to her house, she comes out, she's wearing her house shoes and her robe smoking a cigarette. Her porch has just like the kind of chair that like your grandma would sit in on the porch. Not like a Bartles and James type of rocking chair where you whittle wood with you, buddy. Not like that, but like just an old kind of shitty chair that

maybe at one point used to be in the kitchen on the linoleum floor and the shitty table but now it's moved outside and grandma sits in it and there's an ashtray with like a thousand cigarette butts in it and like a little like ceramic cat outside and deborah i have to go through the whole process of looking at her id scanning it because she bought cigarettes but nice lady was deborah then she went back in and watched her stories. Chad, probably high on something, nice enough guy, but these are parts of town. I don't understand why people would ever want to live in these houses.

I don't understand. They smell musty when you walk into them. A lot of them are like duplexes or splits where there's two front doors. I don't know why you'd want to live in this shit, but they choose to, and that's that. Now, so that was the most fascinating, I think, as far as just what's been delivered. The most fascinating thing I've delivered so far. And I delivered a pair of shoes from the famous footwear to somebody who was living in a loft building that used to be a school,

which if you know anything about me, find that fucking fascinating. Old-timey school that's now been converted to lofts. Thank you very much. Now, something happened yesterday, which is dumb on my part. Now, as you know, I've done dumb shit lately. Like about a week ago, a week or so ago, when actually a little over a week ago, when I forgot to get the oil changed in the car and the engine shut down on me on the highway because it needed oil. That cost me 160 bucks and I owe myself a knuckle sandwich.

So I have done dumb shit lately. This might top it. So I was delivering, I think it was Chipotle. I believe it was. I was bringing a Chipotle order to an elementary school called Sappington Elementary School. And it's one of those that's easy to pull up in the front. You don't have to really turn off the car. You just walk up to the front door. You ring a bell. Somebody comes and picks up the order.

Have a nice day. So Jilly's Sonata, like a lot of cars like this, this isn't unique to this, but Jilly's Sonata, whenever you get out and you still have the key fob in your pocket, it'll make a noise. Generally speaking, if I'm going to leave the car running like I did in this instance, because this was an easy, like it was 10 feet. I had to walk 10 feet from the place the car was. There's no point turning the car off. I get out, I it's 15 20 seconds it's done so the key fop thing starts making a noise like shit all right throw the keys whatever go deliver the food get back in the car have blessed day. Off to a place that's maybe about five miles away, like a food truck that makes decent pizzas. Cool, I'm on the road, it might even be five miles.

Pull up to the pizza place. The noise starts again, like the noise as if to say, hey, the key is not in the car. But you know that moment when you are in a movie and they do the slow motion pan in when someone, like in Jaws, whenever he knows there's a fucking shark, when Sheriff Brody or Chief Brody knows that there is a shark and they do the slow pan, but also at that kind of moment. At that moment, I realized, shit, I had left the keys on the roof of the car. So at that point, I know I can't turn the car off because if I turn the car off, I've got to go make this door dash delivery. I cannot turn the car off. If I turn the car off, I don't have the keys. I look around just to make sure I know I don't have the keys. I looked on the roof thinking, hey, maybe they survived the five mile drive. They didn't. I knew at that

moment what had happened. I knew that at that moment I had left the keys on top of the car and I have no clue where they may have fallen off. So I still have to make this other delivery because I have to, so I grab the pizza. Fortunately, the delivery is like a mile away. I drop it off, and then I'm hauling ass back to the school. I call the school first and say, hey, did anybody happen to find some keys outside? They say, no, nobody's brought any keys here, sir, no. So on my way back to the school, I'm tracing my steps steps looking all over the road looking for anything don't see anything i go back to the parking lot of the school i park don't turn the car off because if i turn it off i'm not getting back on so i'm looking around can't find

the fucking i cannot find like shit so i get back in the car and i drive back the way i went to see where they might have fallen off. Then something occurred to me. I remember pulling out of the parking lot of the school and hearing a noise that sounded like something had fallen like in the trunk. And I thought, oh, that's kind of odd, but maybe something was in the trunk. Fine. Didn't think anything of it. I tried to remember where that had happened.

So I park at the school again. Now leaving the school, there's a right turn that I made. So I'm like, those keys have to be somewhere on this very busy street where I made this right turn. I look in the middle of the road and I'm talking right on the dashed line in the middle of the road. I see something that looks like keys. Now, mind you, there's a key fob on here. It's on like a carabiner ring and I got my house key and i'm like okay i go look so i run out to the road i'm like shit that's it so i'm like telling cars to stop like my keys are the road i have a child so i grab it key fob destroyed it's been run over like 30 times like you can see the buttons on it it's broken into a thousand pieces it's done the carabiner carabiner however you say carabiner it survived intact the house key survived intact but here's the kicker i don't know if i've told you guys this but when luther died we had him cremated and part of the package for the cremation was to get two little key chains like metal key chains vials almost

with little dog paws on them that hold little bits of his ashes so it's like hey your dog's always with you that motherfucker was mangled i mean like just eviscerated it's like bent in a thought it looked like Joe Theismann's leg like it's like one angle's going this way and that's where I had my moment where I'm like it'd be one thing if I had to call Jillian tell her you know what the key fob is broken but hey good news we have a replacement which we do it's another thing when I have to call my wife in a very sitcom-y type moment and tell her hey our dog's ashes that were in this little thing i don't know that they're there anymore because this thing is fucked but i have to call her right and like i'm legitimately scared like king of queens type of scared like you know when Like when Doug isn't supposed to take the $100 to bet on a boxing match, but he does it anyway.

He wins $5,000, but he's so scared of his wife that he just blows the $5,000. So she doesn't know he took the money. So I have to call, and I'm like, listen. First, she thought I was calling because I was calling something's wrong, right? It's either something great or something bad, right? Like, hey, this is great or bad. Like, hey, did you get that job? Whatever.

I said, no. But I have something interesting happen that I need to share with you. And I tell her the whole story about how I had left the keys on top of the car and the keys had fallen off. And I'm like, good news, I found them. Bad news, key fob is destroyed. Also, Luther got hit by a car and she was furious and when i say furious more like it's like luther got hit by car i'm like not really i mean we've got other we got this whole box of ashes like it's like luther got nicked by a car like you have a piece of them in yours and i was like oh god now i feel fucking terrible because i'm a fucking moron i've had a good

stretch of being a fucking dipshit the last couple of weeks haven't i i'm talking like top shelf top notch dipshittery from not changing the oil in the car to uh leaving the keys on top of the car how did i not notice the keys on top of the car they were did I not notice the keys on top of the car? They were on the roof of the car. But I didn't even think about it. But man, that moment when you realize that that's what happened, you're like, fuck. And that's what happened to me on that one.

So now we have a key fob. Problem with this key fob is the key doesn't stay in the key fob, so it's a clusterfuck. I can't put a key ring on. It's a whole mess. What I'm saying is, we're like a month or so away from

getting the fuck out of Dodge and when we do we're probably going to part ways with this car anyway because it's 13 years old has 250,000 miles on it and all that but yeah I don't know I need to find a job anyway and even if I did I'd still door dash though I kind of enjoy it but anyway more to come