The Josh Innes Show - Jaden Ivey Found God Part 2

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

Let's continue to make fun of Jaden Ivey. While we do that, let's talk about a random tv show called "Strangers With Candy"...a show I used to love. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Imagine having to explain that to, like, St. Peter. You know, you're up there at the pearly gates, and my man's got his list out. And he's like, oh, Josh. And, like, in my mind, they weigh the pros and cons. Like, they deliberate, like, it's the NCAA tournament or the college football playoff selection committee. Like, they're all just sitting in a room and, like, they all get together and they've got, like, a handful of people determining who gets into heaven.

What if it was like that? What if heaven, what if getting into heaven, the whole process, we, just like getting into the college football playoff. And you pick a certain group of people to do it. So like in the college football world, it would be athletic directors and shit. Like, what if you had varying levels of people? And those varying levels of people were the ones, like, that all got together as a committee and determined, like, your point, like, there's a point system.

And they each, like, reward, like, different points. So, like, let's say, hey, did this person ever? like, you know, commit like a violent crime. Well, okay, that's like a negative five. Whatever, you get my point. What if that's how we treated getting into heaven? There's a committee. And like you have the highest of high people like, oh, look, there's, you know, Jesus.

He's in there. Jesus can't be part of it. Like, he's got to absolve, like abstain from this. Jesus doesn't have a vote unless, unless it's a tie. If there's a tie in the vote, then Jesus comes in. And he's like, all right, I'll make the final decision because I'm Jesus. or I'm God and we get the vote. But otherwise, it can't just be determined by God in this thing or Jesus.

It has to be determined by a committee, a committee of people determining whether or not, like the afterlife committee. And they sit there and they all get together. And over here, you've got like Mother Teresa, who I guess most people or many people would circle and say, all right, she's considered someone who's an amazing human, right? So Mother Teresa, you're in there. Now, can any of these be religious figures or do they have to just be like average people, like good people who are not like like the pope like various popes can't be on there because if you put the pope then you also have to put the representative of all the other religions in there too so really what it would have to be is just good people who might be religious or not but they can't be like religious icon so like the pope can't do it uh Allah well Allah is God who the hell is the like like you know some like a Muslim dude that's like the like Farrakhan I don't know some motherfucker from like Islam right uh some Jewish guys.

Like you don't want to take a group, like someone from each religion, because they'll be skewed in that. It just needs to be people, maybe it just has to be average Joes that are just decent people and varying levels of decent. But the rule is they all have to be in heaven. When the weather cools down, Golden Nugget Online Casino turns up the heat. This winter, make any moment golden and play thousands of games like her new slot wolf it up and all the fan favorite

Huff and Puff games. Whether you're curled up on the couch or taking five between snow shovels, play winner's hottest collection of slots, from brand new games to the classics you know and love. You can also pull up your favorite table games like Blackjack, Roulette, and Crops, or go for even more excitement with our library of live dealer games. Download the Golden Nugget online casino app and you've got everything you need to layer on the fun this winter. In partnership with Golden Nugget Online Casino. Gambling problem, call ConX Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600. 19 and over. Physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See Golden Nuggettasino.com for details. Please play responsibly.

Where are my gloves? Come on, heat. Winter is hard, but your groceries don't have to be. This winter, stay warm. the banner to order your groceries online at voila.ca. Enjoy in-store prices without leaving your home. You'll find the same regular prices online as in-store. Many promotions are available both in store and online, though some may vary. After 19 years, they're back. Frankie Munis, Brian Cranston, and the rest of the family reunite in Malcolm in the middle, life's still unfair. After 10 years avoiding them, Hal and lowest demand Malcolm be at their anniversary party, pulling him straight back into their chaos. Malcolm in the middle, life's still unfair.

A special four-part event. Streaming April 10th on Hulu on Disney Plus. They all have to be people that got into heaven if they, you know, hit the certain threshold to get into heaven. So it can't just be someone who's, you know, like if you're in hell, you can't do it. Like, Hitler doesn't have a vote. Hitler, we assume is in hell. Like, Hitler's just hanging out and he doesn't get an option. And like, now we get to, like, the committee gets to vote Hitler in or out.

But he doesn't get to be part of the committee. So if you're someone that's going to get into heaven or hell, the decision is made by a group of people, we've decided that these people cannot be like major religious figures. So these people can't be the Pope. They can't be like Brigham Young or somebody like that, right, or Joseph Smith from the Mormon religion. Like, it can't be that. It can't be the guy that does the alien religion, the Scientology guy, whatever the hell that guy's name is. El Ron Hubbard. It can't be El Ron Hubbard.

you have to be somebody who's gone to heaven, but you can't be a religious figure. You can be religious. You can go to church whatever, but you cannot be a religious figure. So no Pope, no El Ron Hubbard, no Brigham Young, no whomever. So then the committee has to be people who are in heaven, who've made it to heaven because you're trying to get into heaven. And the only other option is hell. So if you don't get into heaven, sorry, you didn't meet the, you know,

know the criteria. You didn't hit the required threshold. You were not tall enough to ride this heaven ride, right? So who would be in that committee? I mean, obviously Jaden Ivy, when he dies, he'll be in that committee. I was a fornicator. I was a pornography addict. And I used to get drawn. I'm all of those things. There's just no used to bes because used to bees don't count anymore. They just lay on the floor till we sweep them away. I was a fornicator. I was a fornicator. I was a I was a pornography addict, and I used to get drunk. It reminds me of a show called Strangers with Candy, with Amy Sedaris. It was the After Hours Afterschool Special from the late 90s, early 2000s on Comedy Central.

And it had like Stephen Colbert and Amy Sedaris. And I thought this show was hysterical. It was just the After Hours After School special. And the main character's name was Jerry Blank. Hello, I'm Jerry Blank. And for 15 years, for 15 years, I was a 10 years. teenage runaway. I was a boozer, a user, and a loser, right? But, and that's what that reminded me of. I was a boozer, a user, and a loser. And that was Jay Knight. I was a fornicator. I was a

pornography addict. And I used to get drawn. See if I can find the Jerry Blank breakdown. Let's see. Hello, I'm Jerry Blank. Let's see if I'm. I can find Jerry Blank on YouTube. Jerry Blank, let's see, let's see Jerry Blank intro. Let's see if there's like, I think it was in The Strangers with Candy intro.

God, this show was so good. It was so dumb, but so good. You're beautiful inside. You know what? All you need to do to fit in, you just need to dig deep inside

and find out what makes you unique. Just dig around like a badger and a trash can. Yes. And then just, go with what you know. Go with what you know. Let's see. Strangers with Candy intro.

Let's see if maybe that's where it was. Hello, I'm Jerry. I forgot there was a Strangers with Candy movie. God. Let's see. I can't believe I can't find this. But it was such a freaking good show. Just a quality program called Strangers with Candy.

And I think it's still on, like, I don't know. I think it might be on Paramount Plus or something. All I know is that. I'm saving myself for someone really special. Well, I'm doing the same thing. But in between, I'm screwing a lot of guys who aren't that special. This is such a good show. Oh, God, I wish I could.

Why can't I find that one damn line that is so good? 10 trashiest quotes from Strangers with Candy. Well, shit. Now you've got me locked in. I'm in. Changes. I'm not the same. Jerry Blank who informed on those blind orphans.

I'm not the same Jerry Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerry Blank who took a crap in the Fleischman's holly bushes last night. Maybe sexual harassment is wrong. I got you run in the cranberry. Look, I rode that brown tiger for 20 years. It took me through a carnival. of hell. I became the plaything of Indonesian businessmen. By the end, I was barely human. But I'm willing to give it another shot. Have you never watched this fucking show? Watch strangers with candy. It's basically, you know, it's J. I was a fornicator. I was a pornography addict. And I used to get drawn.

You and I can focus on what makes you and me. Dick. You're crazy. Pea on me. It's sexy. It makes me as dead. Oh, there was a great line in one of these. It was, um, uh, there was another line about, uh, another line in this show about peeing on people.

God, it's so good. Uh, God, I love this show. And again, where is it? Whatever Comedy Central shit is on. So is that Paramount Plus? Amp as a cellar down there. All Mill Dewey. Enter.

If you dare. It's sexy. It makes me as damp as a cellar down there. All mildewy. Enter if you dare. Everyone listening's like, what the fuck is this? Stop it. Can you get some water?

A little dry. I'm plenty wet. Seriously. I'm not hovering for her, Craig. I'm dealing with this. the same way I dealt with my own alcoholism and drug addiction with lies and delusion. I get serious about this. Or what? Huh? You gonna hit me? You wanna take a poke at me?

No, I'm not gonna hit you, Jerry. You don't wanna beat me or screw me? What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book. I was a fornicator. I was a pornography addict and I used to get drawn. Everyone in school said... I'm as moist as a snack. Why don't you come to my crib after school? and I'll make your pinky all stinky. I used to quote that one all the time, and I'll make your pinky really stinky.

I was a fornicator. I was a pornography addict, and I used to get drawn. Thank you. Thank you, Jade Nivey. I hate that I cannot find, like, hold on, let's see. Maybe it's in the first, I know you guys are.

Like, what the fuck, Josh? But this is what I enjoy. Strangers with Candy first episode. Let's see. It was like for 15 years, I was a teenage runaway. I was a boozer, a user, and a loser. How do I not have the first episode of Strangers with Candy on here? God.

It was such a good show, though. I'm going to try. And had Stephen Colbert back when Stephen Colbert was funny. I have 3,000 students and nearly a dozen teachers. Surely. Well, that's the Strangers with Candy movie. That's not what I'm looking for. I know you've lost your father.

But everybody has lost a father. Oh, have you lost your father? Oh, don't even joke about that. My daddy will never die. Do you hear me, God? Never. Okay, I gotta stop.