The Josh Innes Show - Jilly's Birthday Big Bet

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

It's Jilly's Birthday Weekend! My gift to her was a $100 bet. We are degenerates. Anyway, Jilly is pissed with me because I talked her out of a guaranteed hit. I sent my sister an epic parlay bet. Did it hit? Plus, drunken bonus coverage of Ross reacting to sounds dogs love on YouTube. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The following was recorded from inside an ice plunge. Ah! Woo! Okay. All right. When a Coors Light is cold enough, the mountains on the can turn blue. So the next time you want a cold lager, cold filter, cold package Coors Light, just wait until those glorious mountains on the can turn blue.

It's easy to say that fast when you're freezing cold. All right, so it is 8 o'clock. We're in the middle of Sunday Night Football. My wife, Jelly, decided to start playing dog reaction videos on YouTube. And now Roscoe, Ross, our dog dog can't figure out where these sounds are coming from and uh he's very pissed off he can't like he's looking oh he's running around Jilly's a bitch and um and now Ross can't figure it out so we're just watching our dog run around oh he's like where are these sounds coming from? Oh, dear. He's turning his head.

Oh. Come on. There's dogs on the TV screen. They got balls in their mouths. Ross is over here turning his head. Oh, no. Ross. Oh, no.

This is ridiculous. This poor bastard just wants to enjoy himself. He's like, I just got a house. I just got a house. This is great. And now, oh, God, now he's about to stand up on the TV. Oh, no, no. I would never acknowledge the TV.

Oh, now it's over. Oh, now it's over. Now I guarantee you'll play another one, you fucking psycho. Ten sounds dog. I don't believe there's ten sounds. I guarantee that he will not react to the ten sounds. He's too smart. He's a street dog.

Move up. Move up on the thing. Hey, Ross. Your mom's trying to be a bitch. Come out here. Ross. Ah, shit. He is reacting to it. God fucking damn it.

God damn it, Ross is reacting to it. Oh, no. He's turning his head. Oh, he never turns his head in the week we've lived with him. Oh, no. he's turning his head oh he never turns his head in the week we've lived with him oh no oh no you get a great shot of that camera right now oh i forgot we do have a home security camera that we got for it oh it's in the bedroom my phone's in the bedroom oh no oh look at oh boy Oh no Oh boy he'd be looking right at it This dog is all locked The groan tube plastic sounds Car horn sound Ross

Oh come on Ross No there's no car out there Ross Your mom's a bitch Ross Ross come back Your mom's being a bitch clickers oh no Ross come back oh your mom's a bitch party blowers sound now Oh Oh, what? Oh, whistles. Oh, he's reacting. God damn it.

Oh, no. This is Ross. Ross, it's okay. You did a good job. Shake sound. Let's see if you react. Oh, no. This is react. Oh, no. This is ridiculous.

Oh, no, Rossi. Oh, no, Rossi. This is ridiculous. If you rewind it, I bet he'll... Oh, jungle bell sound. Now he's just... What are you doing? Now he's just sitting, listening to this. Bags

rustling. The people who make these videos are cocksuckers. They're horrible humans. They deserve so many bad things to happen to them. These dogs are reacting to fake bullshit. What was the one, though, that he really responded to? The fucking squeaky... Let's see. That's Grown Tube.

There was the one that was the car horn. Let's see what he does to the car horn. I know, but, I mean, it's only the second quarter. Hold on. Oh. Ross, did you hear the car horn? Now I'm into it. Now I'm a dick.

Ruff. What? What? Oh, Ross, we're assholes. Really, it's not a we, it's your mom. You don't understand, this is weird, because Luther would never acknowledge the TV. Yeah. And now this guy's like... Ross is over here just reacting to everything on this TV.

Now, granted, this TV's like 70 inches. Hold on. This poor bastard's looking out the window like, who the fuck's out here? Who's fucking with me? Who is fucking with me? Ross, who was that? Ross, who is it? Now he's going to the window to make sure there's nobody out there.

Ross is, oh. Go back to the football. All right, we got to go back to football. Ross, come back. Good boy. Ross, I'm sorry that your mom's a total bitch. You were doing it too. No, your mom's a bitch Ross

Do you want to watch the football game I'm so sorry that your mom's a bitch Ross is your mom a bitch Do you wish you were still out on the streets I think Ross wishes he was still on the streets He says I wish I was still on the streets So I didn't have a mom that was a total bitch That was fucking me over

Come on, Ross. Come on. There he is. That's my buddy. Come back, Ross. He's a good boy. Now he's like, I'm watching you. I'm watching you, sexist shit.

All right, Ross. You're a good boy. Good boy. Way to watch the house. We're over here. This poor bastard, his whole life is being impacted by this. We rescue him. We've had him for a week, and Jilly's over here like, poor bastard, his whole life is being impacted by this. We rescue him. We've had him for a week, and Jilly's over here like, hey, watch this shit.

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void where prohibited one per new customer bonus awarded is non-withdrawable pick six credits that expire in 14 days limited time offer see terms at terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash promos. Well, I know that. Well, we're just going to talk here for a few minutes here, Jilly. Oh, touchdown. Hey, did you need a Bucky Tud? I did, yeah. All right, so Jilly, so what all do you need then to hit?

Then you needed a Bucky Tud. So Bucky Irving just scored a touchdown. Jilly needed this touchdown. This is huge for Jilly's parlay. So a Bucky Irving just scored a touchdown. Jilly needed this touchdown. This is huge for Jilly's parlay. So a Bucky Irving touchdown. And what else? Now Roscoe is laying on the chair. He's like, you know what?

You fuckers fucked with me a lot, and I fucking hate you. But I'm going to watch the game because I like football because I'm a degenerate gambler. Speaking of degenerate gamblers. In this parlay, I got the Bucky Irving Tud. I now need 225 from Bake. I need 70 from CD, and I need 70 from Mike Evans. How many passing yards does Bake have?

63. That's not bad. We're off to a good start here in this game. CD has four. Yeah, well, that's the problem. CD had three catches for four fucking yards. That's the problem. But other than that, I think we're off to a good start.

Well, that's why, because Mike Evans had a huge catch. How many yards does Mike Evans have? He just had a huge catch. He did get a nice amount. Because I took him by himself 82 and a half yards. Now, again, you guys are going to listen to this and be like, none of this matters because I already know what happened. But we're hammered.

Mike Evans has 29. Oh, good job, Mike Evans. Good job. We had a nice day. We've been drinking beer, gambling on sports. Ross has been over here barking at fucking car horns. Shit's been going ham. Life's been good, making some fucking plays.

Fucking right. My sister, Emily. Okay, Emily Hope Ennis. How old is that? Oh, that's Emily. Hey, big ups to Emily. So Emily was born in 1990. So how old is she now?

34? She'll be 35 next year. Really? Am I that much older than my sister so she was born September 20th 1990 September 20th 2024 so my sister's 34 my sister is that much younger than me holy shit now granted I never really lived with my sister after I was you know like eight years old so like I just I don't know lived with my sister after I was, you know, like eight years old. So like, I just, I don't know. But apparently my sister is that much fucking older than me. So anyway, younger. So my sister, Emily Hope, she, um, during the week was like, Hey, can you send me a college football parlay? And we tried, but the problem is in Louisiana, you can't do college football

prop bets. So it's a waste of everyone's time. So I didn't send her one, even though she was like, hey, send me a prop bet. I'm like, listen, you fucking degenerate. I'm not going to send you a prop bet. You made her a degenerate. I feel horrible about that, by the way. I've taught my sister how to be a degenerate sports better, and I'm a monster. An absolute fucking monster. But anyway, so she says, send me a prop bet for college

I didn't do it because I I built one by the way I built one that was I don't know if it didn't hit and I know it didn't hit because it had that fucking asshole the the tight end from Penn State who didn't hit at Warren because nothing hit in that fucking college because all the college games dog shit sorry Sorry, Ross. But anyway, so I decided this morning to send her a parlay. I said, all right, Emily, I'll send you a parlay. And as it turns out, that parlay had a couple of legs hit in the first games, right? It was a four-leg parlay, two of them hit in the first, and there were two legs that needed a hit in the back half of it. One of those was,

I believe it was like 60 receiving yards from Jackson Smith and Jigba. And anyone who listens to this knows I love Jackson Smith and Jigba. Well, like through the first quarter and a half, he had no receiving yards, right? And Emily, my sister, okay? We come from the same fucking loins. She sends a message to and she goes, is Jackson Smith and Jigba even playing? And at that point, I didn't respond to my sister because I don't do a lot of family texting. I like to text the people who I know won't respond to me because I'm a monster. But anyway, so I'm like, this bitch, this bitch, watch this shit. And then like three straight catches and jig was at like 55 at halftime and gets over his total like halfway through the third quarter.

And then, you know, who's sending me text messages like you're a prop, God, my fucking sister. So don't forget that shit. I wish I would have played that same because like Emily put like $25 on that. I put like $3 on everything. My wife is a very responsible gambler. Me, I'm like $50,000 in debt from gambling. You're down like a lot today, but. No, you're not down like $50,000 like I am over the last like 10 years.

My sister over here, I send her this parlay. I get a message from her after that. She goes, well, I'll put $25 on that. I'm like, $25? Jilly puts $1.50 on parlay. I'd be so terrified if I put $25 on that. I'm like, $25? Jilly puts $1.50 on parlay. I'd be so terrified if I put $25 on anything. Oh, look at that. Are you CD?

Yeah! Can we talk about my awesome play today that would have hit, and you got lucky, because you said you were going to give me my $100 birthday bet, right? We talked about that. Yeah, so it's Jilly's birthday was a couple days ago, and I told him. You just gift parlays, I guess, or you gift bets. That is like a birthday present from Josh. I'll put $100 on the bet of your choice, right?

Yeah, because my two gambling accounts have like five or six grand in them. So it's really like, well, do you want a birthday present? It's on you now. Yeah. So initially my play today was I said, okay, we're looking at it live because, of course, we watched the first quarter and then you go back. And I sit in Illinois in the parking lot of the McDonald's for like two hours. I have to wait to drink until you come back.

Well, because some people don't like to drink alone. I'll drink alone. I don't give a shit. Hey, when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself. I came up with like a couple things. I hit a couple things solo. But it's like, okay, my $100 big bet. What do I want for my $100 birthday present big bet?

And it was halftime at the Titans game, and I said, okay, Mason Rudolph had to throw for 117 in the second half. Easy fucking. Well, they were down by 17, and let me defend myself. It was easy peasy. He had. Okay, I get that. But I looked at DraftKings when I was

over there and DraftKings goes, well, you could also take Will Levis for 100 yards. I'm like, will they pull him? I told her. All I said is I wouldn't do it. My exact text was, you know what?

Mason Rudolph live. 227 and a half. This may be incredibly stupid, but I feel like he can throw for 117 in the second half. And all I did was... I said, that's going to be my hundo. They're not going to take him out for Levis. Fuck it, do it. Okay, and I said, I wouldn't do it.

And then you waited 17 minutes. Well, I was trying to put in all the life bets. 17 minutes. And then you said, you know what? DraftKings just put up a Will Levis prop. You shouldn't do that. Oh yeah. And I look, I offered my fucking advice. And then one minute into the third quarter, Rudolph felt like a disaster. Yeah. You said that. No, that is from you rudolph felt like a disaster yeah and you said i believe at some point you said something about how it also felt bad i swear to god you did you're like oh i'm glad i avoided rudolph i guarantee i guarantee you fucking did i saw

your text messages you wacky bitch i saw them right now i literally wanted okay so it was rudolph so again just to remind everybody i had i I'll bet $100 of my gambling money for you. You can take whatever bet you want. That was my birthday present. Who gets someone that for their birthday? Degenerate fucking gamblers like we are, you dumb asshole. You still meant some of my cash. We'll get to this, but I did win.

But you did not bet Basin Rudolph. And he was 227.5. He needed 117 in the second half. Yeah. I was like all day give me fucking Rudolph. And you're like

ooh they put him Levis. I'm like they're not going to take him out for Levis. Yeah. And then you convinced me. I'm like well shit.

Oh make it sound like I'm some sort of fucking asshole for doing that. You should have never said that. I'm just letting you know what I would have done. Well it was my birthday bet and you took it away.

Okay fine. And then I said well I don't really like anything in the afternoon games. You should start clean is what the text fine. And then I said, well, I don't really like anything in the afternoon games. You should start clean is what the text said. I did. I said, well, I said I would start clean with something because at the time the Titans were down by like 20. And you don't know what these fucking assholes are going to do.

I did. I follow the Titans. I'm on the radio in Nashville. I know the Titans. Oh, shit. God damn it. And sure enough, what did Mason Rudolph end up with? Like 250 something. Yeah, 250 something. Oh, yeah. But let me

tell you. So you gave me two options to play for you for the later one. Because I hated both afternoon games. So you said, should I take Brock Purdy's passing yards or should I take Mac Jones? And both of... Yeah, it was 243.5 for Purdy's passing yards or should I take Mac Jones? It was 243.5 for Purdy or Mac Jones 211.5. That's what I came up with.

By the way, both of them fucking hit, you asshole. Yeah, luckily. They both hit. We got really lucky on that Mac Jones with that 70-yard pass to Brian Thomas. Yeah, and guess what? Brian Thomas was hitting parlays all fucking day. But this bitch over here wants to accuse me. I'm just telling you what I would do.

And by the way, it's not your $100 that you bet. It was my fucking $100. It was my $100. It was a birthday present. Yes, but it was still my hundred fucking dollars. And I wanted to put it on Mason Rudolph. You still won, so shut your fucking hole. Was the value as good?

It was equal value. Neither one of them were like plus value. They were both the same. Well, where's my money? I'll send it to you when I see how the rest of the night goes. After the night goes, I'll send you some money.

Sometimes you go to these live bets. You're like, oh, what do you like? And I give you like three and then you don't give me any money. Yeah, because you'll go like two and two and that means you broke even. Like I'm not going to send you money because you went two and two. If you went four and oh, I'd send you money.

It's all like, that's how the world works. I understand that, but now this time, in particular, you said you have a $100, no strings attached. Yeah, so that was $100, and I believe it won $80-something bucks. So, what do I get? I will send you $180. Oh, you know what? what oh i don't have my phone but um i it'll probably because it wasn't like plus money or anything but it was out before

the game so it's probably like minus 114 so it's probably like 100 to win 86 or 87 so you probably won 187 total now i should get to keep the steak, and you should get to keep... No, you said it was a gift. I understand that, but the steak should still go to me, so you should technically get $87. You said it was a gift. You didn't give me anything else for my birthday.

Tough shit. We're broke. We're degenerate, broke-ass gamblers with a dog. Yeah. So fucking deal with it. Well, we said we weren't doing Christmas. We agreed on that i thought christmas and your birthday were the same because they're five days apart everybody

thinks that yeah tough shit for you i'm sorry that your mom still never ordered our joe burrow t-shirt so again i got nothing for my birthday well you know what you're gonna get you're gonna get whatever i decide to send you from our from our fucking bet by the way, that you did hit with Mac Jones. So, like, you can sit there and yell at me and talk shit to me all you want, but the Mac Jones fucking bed hit. Did we discuss Mac Jones' middle name being his mom's maiden name? What the fuck is Mac Jones' name? I wrote it down.

Who is Mac Jones? I wrote it down. Yeah, I don't know who. I don't know. It's Michael McCorkle Jones. His name is. Wait. So that would make sense then as to why they call him Mac, because his name is Michael McCorkle.

Michael McCorkle Jones. He's Thurman Merman. Basically, yes. That is Michael McCorkle Jones. So if you guys were wondering, the quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars currently is a gentleman by the name of Michael McCorkle Jones. Wait, is someone hurt? I'm concerned it's Baker.

Oh, Baker, did you hurt yourself? Wait, they keep showing replays. No, Baker. Be alive, Baker. Oh, if not, you just ruined most of... Oh, he's fine. He's playing. He's fine. Let's do another one's fine. Can we wrap this up? Let's do another one during halftime or something? Yeah, we can do that.

All right, so there's nine minutes to go in the first half. You just got to hear about how Jilly is bitching at me because she hit a fucking play and she's bitching at me. Realistically, I should have hit three, but I'm a pussy. Yes, you are. My sister has bigger balls than you. She does. My sister throws down 25.

She listens to my parlays and she goes, oh, I'll play there because she knows I'm a fucking G. I believe her text message was, you're like a betting god. Like, yeah, I fucking am, Emily. Tell the whole fucking family to start respecting my ass. That's what I told them. But anyway, all right, we will do another one of these. Again, we're in the second quarter of the Sunday night game. Lots of bush lattes.

Pulled porks off the fucking smoke. We're going to go pull some of the pork. We'll let you know how our parlay is going, this shit. A lot of shit to go. We've been watching Neil Diamond. We're going to watch Christmas movies this week, drink wine, drink beer. Shit's going nuts. But I will let you guys know more here in a little bit.