The Josh Innes Show - JIS and Wake Up: I'm Turning To A Higher Power

Episode Date: October 7, 2022

Hello Again! It's Friday and the Cardinals/Phillies series is starting this afternoon. I remain petrified of this matchup and I'm convinced that the Cardinals are losing. I'm not spiritual, but I think I need to ask a higher power for help. I cannot be miserable while McDougall celebrates. It can't happen. I read a Buzzfeed thread about stuff you should never brag about. Do I brag about these things? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is the Josh Ennis Show. Howdy, friends, and welcome in to the Josh Ennis Show. Today, Jisson Wakeup. On this, the start of the Major League Baseball playoffs. My team plays here in a couple hours. I'm recording this at about 9 o'clock, so about four hours away from my team and the team of many of you who listen, the Phillies. I'm living in dread.

I'm excited, but I'm also fearful that the Cardinals are going to lose this series and not even be competitive, and then McDougal will have all of his joy. I know I've talked about that multiple days now, but that's what's consuming my thoughts. All of my thoughts now are on how I have an opportunity to go to the playoff game next weekend, yet I don't think I'm going to get to that point because I think the Phillies are going to win, and they may win in two games.

May not even make it to Sunday. So I'm very excited, and I'm ready to watch, but I'm also fully anticipating like, oh, it's five nothing in the second. And then, then I'm crushed. That's what I'm anticipating today. I got my gear on. I'm ready to go.

I need Jesus is what I need. At this point, I think that might be my only option is turning to the Lord. And I'm not a spiritual person. As you know, I'm not even remotely spiritual. You know what? I'm not a very religious person, as you guys know, I'm what you would call agnostic, I guess. And I don't care what you believe. You can believe in whatever you want, pray to whoever you want, do whatever you want. That's fine with me. I don't judge anybody who's religious. But I think today my only hope is to turn to Jesus and ask him or her or they to help the cardinals win.

And I don't believe that the Lord helps teams win. So maybe that's not the right route to take. Maybe I just need to take like, hey, help me. And if maybe God hears my plight or Jesus or whoever, who do you actually pray to? That's the other question. Do you pray to God? Do you pray to Jesus? I guess you pray to God. God's the more powerful one, right? I honestly don't know these things. But if I'm going to pray to God today or Jesus or whomever, I'm not going to pray for my team to win. I'm just going to pray that maybe the Lord protects me. And the best way to protect me is for the Cardinals to win.

I don't know. This all sounds bad. I understand it. But I think I need to turn to a higher power. So I don't even know how this all works. I don't know how prayer works. airworks last time I prayed and like legitimately prayed and was concerned was in 2003 driving from Baton Rouge to Pensacola in a rainstorm to call a Baton Rouge Riverbats game in my 1997 GMC Sierra well there was a big rainstorm and there was a big rainstorm and my wipers did not have blades. So it was a dangerous,

frightening ordeal. And I said, Lord, let me get through this. And I swear I'll never do anything bad again. Fairly certain. I probably ordered porn in the hotel room that night, but still I made it through. And you also pray like when you have a girlfriend and stuff like in college, and you're like, oh, God, please let her have her period. God, you answered all those prayers. Thank you. So maybe you'll come through here. So here's where I need you, Lord. I'm going to give this a shot.

Hello, Lord. It's your old pal Josh. We don't talk that often because I don't even know if you're there, but I need you today, and I don't ask you for a lot. I think that's why maybe, Lord, I have a chance here, because I don't really ask you for a lot. Some people ask you for a lot of stuff. They're needy, is what you would call them. They keep asking and asking and asking for shit. I'm not here to do that, Lord. That is not why Josh Ennis is here. I don't come to you for stuff. I believe that, hey, I'll figure it out. I don't need you. But today I need you because it's out of my control and I need Jesus to take the wheel. Well, let me start at the beginning here, Jesus or God or whomever I'm talking to. Philadelphia. I worked there for about

two and a half years. years Had a wonderful boss named Andy He's Jewish So I don't know if you guys know each other or not But a wonderful guy And he hired me there And I had some great success But as I had great success There was a bunch of bad things that happened

And you know My first radio partner just one day stopped coming to work That was a whole ordeal And I got blamed for that. And then they brought in a new show, and we did well. But then my boss got fired, and then it all melted down. And then Kelsey. There's a whole thing.

Needless to say, I'm not there anymore. That was a couple cities ago, Lord. And that was considered a really bad experience for the most part. If I'm being honest with you, Lord, I don't really like Philadelphia, and for the most part, I don't like Philadelphia people. And I certainly don't want those Philadelphia people who I do not like to have joy.

Let me tell you about these folks for a second. They're a very miserable bunch. They live and die with sports, which is fine. I mean, I'm praying to you. So, very miserable bunch. They live and die with sports, which is fine. I mean, I'm praying to you. So I mean, maybe I live and die with sports too. Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe deep down, I too am a McDougal. So I lash out at McDougals because I am my own version of a McDougal. Maybe I'm a St. Louis Cardinals McDougal and an LSU McDougal and a Saints McDougal. Maybe that's me and that's why I lash out at these people. Maybe I'm equally as dumb as they are. That's quite possible.

But Lord, these people are just bizarre folks. They care way too much about the outcome of sporting events. They're not very bright. They believe what people on radio say about things. They're easily conned and duped. They have a really terrible accent. They eat, for the most part, really nasty, bland food. A lot of them smoke, in particular the women. The women are not appealing for the most part. It's a really miserable city run by horrible liberal politicians. That's right.

Once you go woke, you go broke. Everything woke turns to shit. So the politicians are terrible. It's just a real seedy place. And that's not to say there aren't some good people. I met a lot of nice people there. I'm just saying, on the whole, if you look at the sum of the parts, there are some great parts. We have some great listeners to our podcast, Lord, that are great Philadelphia people who I love. And I would hang out with them and I

would drink beers with them and I would go break bread with them. There's some good looking women there. Some, not many, but some. They're solid. For the most part, it is a loathsome, horrible, self-loathing place where people claim to not care that people don't like them, but then really care that people don't like them. Just a miserable place. And this miserable place has not played in the playoffs for 11 years, Lord. 11 years. It's a lot of time. And I was really hoping that streak would continue. Obviously, it did not.

And now my baseball team is playing these very miserable people. And they are miserable. They are very miserable people. And they care way too much about what people think and what national media people think and what local media people think and what social media people think. They say they don't, but they do. They can easily be conned into responding to troll stuff. That's why people like Colin Cowherd find a way to talk about them at least once a month.

They probably, guys like Cowherd, meet their quota on Philly people clicking on stories in which Cowherd says Philly's going to lose or Philly people are stupid. Because they are for the most part they're mouth breathers and they respond to fucking dopes on on talk race sorry for the fuck but f word lord I don't know what you how you feel about these things I don't know what happens but they respond to dopes on local radio they like and share all these dopey stories that don't matter by all these dopey blogs that don't matter. Basically, Lord, they're everything I hate. And here's where I need you to step in. And I don't ask you for a lot.

In fact, I've never really asked you for anything other than, hey, I don't want to die in that truck that one day when it was raining really hard. And that was really just the prayers of a 17-year-old kid. And yes, sometimes I fraudulently do the, you know, like I would do the Our Father, but that was because I played baseball and our coach had us do the Our Father. And when in Rome, do as the Romans do, right? So I'm not just going to sit there and be like, nope, I don't pray. And this doesn't matter. And you don't go anywhere when you die. I don't do that. I just keep my thoughts to myself. And like, you know, when I go, like, it's like this way, when you go eat dinner at someone's house and they all say, hey, let's pray,

are you going to be the asshole at the table that's like, nope, not going to pray? No is the answer. You don't want to be that person, Lord. You don't want that. It's not what you're here for. So what do you do? Well, you sit there and you pray and you close your eyes, maybe thinking nothing.

Maybe you think of titties. I don't know what you think about. But you just do that and you say amen and then you eat the food. Unless they put you in the position, which a lot of, by the way, just off subject, Lord, there's a lot of dickheads that when you go to their house to pray, they make you pray. Like, what the fuck am I going to pray? You know I don't go to church. You know I'm just doing this to appease you.

Why the fuck are you putting me in a position to pray? What am I going to pray? You know I don't go to church. You know I'm just doing this to appease you. Why the fuck are you putting me in a position to pray? What am I going to say? Hey, thanks for the food, whatever. Go card. I don't know. But anyway, that's not what this is about. So sometimes you got to do as the Romans do, and I'm going to do that today. I'm going to pray to you, Lord, because I need you.

I need you to help me have joy. I'm not going to directly ask you to help my baseball team win, because I feel like that's bad karma, I guess. You don't care who wins the game, but I feel like you and I are kind of kindred spirits. I mean, at least me and your son are. I mean, look, I got crucified in Philadelphia. Your son got, I mean, you get it.

You understand how this shit works. So here's what I need. I need you to bring me joy this weekend. I'm not even going to bother asking you about the LSU game. I don't think we need you for that. I think we're beating Tennessee. But here's where I need you now, Lord. I need you to help me have joy this weekend.

And it just so happens my joy would come from my baseball team beating the Phillies and making McDougal very miserable. I don't think that's a lot to ask for. I don't think it's, I'm not asking for a million dollars. And I know what you're saying, like, Josh, I just looked at your record. You have a lot of sinning you do. And we can go down the list of that. We can talk about these sins all you want, Lord.

We can do that. Do I have a crippling gambling addiction? Probably. Have I lost like over 10 grand in gambling this year? Yes. Every time I win, do I end up just putting that money back in? Yes. Do I watch pornography on my phone in the shower? Yes Is it babysitter porn? Yes Is it stepmom porn sometimes? Yes I have strange kinks

Sometimes is it JOI? Yes Have I actually searched small dick porn? Yes And is it because it would remind me of myself getting jerked off? Yes That all has happened Dick porn, yes. And is it because it would remind me of myself getting jerked off? Yes. That all has happened.

But Lord, I have made mistakes. Did I make love to my lady before we were married? Yes. Did I make love to other people I was not married to? Yes. Have I lied to people? Yes. Have I done some bad things? Sure. Have I treated people poorly? Yes. Back to the porn. Do I watch weird porn in the shower?

Yes, I have. But I'm asking you to forgive me for that. Because from what I've heard, Lord, if I ask you to forgive me, you kind of have to. It's kind of the way this shit works, right? Like these guys that butcher an entire family, they're in prison and they're like, well, I feel good because I think God's forgiven me. Well, if you can forgive those sons of bitches, God, that killed people, you can forgive me for jerking off

to a video where a kid's masturbating with his stepmom's panties and she comes in and finishes him off. You can forgive me for that. I ain't kill anybody. So here's what I need from you. I need to have a good weekend. That's what I need. And I need McDougal to be miserable.

I don't want to have to go to my social media and see McDougal gloating over his crappy baseball team beating my crappy baseball team. I don't need to go to Twitter or Facebook. McDougal loves Facebook, by the way. I don't need that. I don't want that in my life. I just want this joy. And actually, you know what? Here's another good way of putting it, Lord. Me and my dad, right? We have a nice relationship, but we have an opportunity to really come together as father and son. And by come together, I don't mean like the time I tried to watch his homemade pornography,

that kind of coming together. What I mean is we could bond next weekend in St. Louis and go watch a ball game together. Is dad more than likely going to be on his phone or making TikToks the whole time? Yes. Am I going to be attempting to bet on random Russian table tennis? No, because I don't think DraftKings is in Missouri. I don't think. So no, I'd be engaged. This is your chance to bring a father and son together, Lord.

You could do this. This is on you. So I pray. I guess do I have to do like an official prayer? Lord, here's I guess what I'm asking for. Like this is the final ask, I guess. Lord, please. I'm asking you with everything I have to please make McDougal miserable this weekend.

Because McDougal's flying high right now. And McDougal needs pain. Because that's really all McDougal's good at. Joy is not his thing. The best look on McDougal is misery. Because happy McDougal isn't even a real McDougal at that point. You must be miserable. So Lord, finally, thank you.

Sorry for all the bad shit I've done. I mean, I'm not like a serial killer or anything. I didn't stab a bunch of people in fucking Vegas. But I've done some shit. But what I ask of you is that you, my friend, Lord Jesus, bring me joy this weekend. That is all. Lord, hear our prayer.

I don't know what the fuck you say. In Lord's name, amen. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Our Father who art in heaven. Whatever the fuck you say. And also, I don't know how things work with Jews and all that. I'm not sure about how the Jewish thing works, but my agent is Jewish and can you maybe put a little some good action

on her to help me get a good deal that they're negotiating right now because I don't want to get fucked. Thank you, Lord. Goodbye, friend. All right, if you're ready to win some real cash during the basketball playoffs, you've got to check out Pick 6 from DraftKings.

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talk buzzfeed right now to shift gears a little bit. There's a buzzfeed article or is it really, it's a thread. There's a thread online where people share examples of shit you shouldn't brag about. Now, I have been accused of bragging too much. But I only brag whenever I'm not getting my just due on something and I feel that I must brag. Because if I don't, then nobody else will acknowledge the greatness that is me at times. Now, sometimes I just suck, but I'll tell you when I suck. I think if you're someone who's willing to tell people when you suck, I think you should be allowed to step up and tell

people when you kick ass. And rarely, it's very rare, but on occasion, I do kick ass. These are 15 things you should not brag about according to BuzzFeed. Number one, you should not brag about being a good person, which I don't think like here's, I'm not, I'm going to relate this all to me cause I'm vain. The only time I brag about being a good person is when someone takes the shit I do on the radio and turns that into me being a bad person. So if someone says, yeah, you're a bad person cause you got in fight on radio row. I'll say, so that's the person because you got in a fight on Radio Row, I'll say, so that's the worst shit I've ever done, huh? Well, how about the hundreds of thousands of dollars I've raised for charity, you putz? Now, nobody will ever come back and say, yeah, good job, Josh. I was unaware of that. They will say you're an arrogant asshole and now you're

using charity to make yourself look good. Fine, but it's true. If you can tell me all the bad shit I've done, then I can tell you all the good shit I've done. So that's number one. You shouldn't boast about being a good person. You shouldn't brag about it. Number two, you should never brag about how little sleep you get. Well, I mention it. I don't brag about it. I mean, I should get more sleep than I do, but I sleep like four and a half, five hours a night. It is what it is. Number three, you shouldn't brag about how easily you can manipulate people. I don't know that I'm good at manipulating people. What I'm good at to a degree is being able to be a chameleon and kind of blend in, right? Like I wouldn't call it manipulating. Like when I go to a new market, am I manipulating people when I tell them like, hey, you know, I'm, you know, like let's, you know, whatever. Like I don't think I lie to people. You know, like somebody sent me a picture

of me wearing a Philly shirt today and basically was like, hey, you're. Like, I don't think I lie to people. You know, like somebody sent me a picture of me wearing a Phillies shirt today and basically was like, hey, you're a fraud. I don't think I'm a fraud. When I go places, I'll rock the gear of the teams, but I never claim to be a diehard. Not once did I ever claim to be a Phillies diehard. But I wear the gear. Why not when you're in the city? Is that manipulating people? Am I lying to people?

I don't know. Number four, you shouldn't brag about how great of a drunk driver you are. Now, let's be honest about being a great drunk driver. I don't drive drunk anymore because I don't have to. You got Uber, and I don't really even go anywhere. I get hammered at home, so there's no need to drive. But back in my youth, like many of us, I made many mistakes and bad decisions and drove while intoxicated. And fortunately, I never got pulled over, got a DUI, or never even got into a situation where, hey, I could have had a DUI, but I'm semi-local famous and I got out of it.

None of that's ever happened for me. So I've gotten lucky. And there have been times I'm like, I don't remember leaving the bar. So while I'm not bragging about it, it's not bragging if you can back it up. And apparently, I'm a really solid drunk driver. Not bragging. I'm just saying it was the case. Number five, bragging if you can back it up, and apparently I'm a really solid drunk driver. I'm not bragging. I'm just saying it was the case. Number five, bragging about money.

Well, I never brag about money in particular now when I have none. But I will brag about what I did used to have. It was a lot. You know what fascinates me, though, if we're just talking amongst us girls here? So when I moved to Houston, they were really hungry to get me. They were trying to hire me when I was still employed at WIP. And they just rolled out this money. And it was just dumb money, like hundreds of thousands of dollars. And I'm like, well, I can't say no to that. And I had job offers like in Memphis, I think was one, in Portland. And the people that were really

interested, they were nice people. I would have never worked in Portland and the people that were really interesting they were nice people I would have never worked in Portland I would have gotten fired in like five minutes as opposed to ten minutes like in all the other places but they offered they just gave me a shit ton of money basically whatever Charlie was making they gave me that money and I gave some to Jim and then eventually gave some to

Jelly because they just gave me one big lump sum if I wouldn't have paid Jim what I was paying him and just used like a basic producer person, I mean, I would have been making in the all told like, I don't know, quarter of a mil. I don't know how much it would have been. It was stupid. But I never really bragged about that, making the money I did,

because the second you start bragging about how much money you make, then the money goes away. And sure enough, it does. And then you're sitting around to the point that I was making is when I had no ratings, I was making all this money. And now I have all these giant ratings in Nashville, and I don't make a dick. It's funny how that works. Number six, things you shouldn't brag about. How many hours you work.

I don't work hard enough to actually brag about the number of hours I work Although if you've listened to the podcast recently With the addition of these new shows I have actually done a little bit more Bragging about the fact that I'm up here at four And I'm staying until one Number seven, boasting about your intelligence Well, it's only when you go up against McDougals or something who are stupid You don't even have to brag about that

It's obvious that you're smarter than people like that. Number eight, about getting into and winning fights. Well, that's something I will never brag about, although I will brag about the fact that I did not start the fight with Seth, but when he called me over, I did show up fully expecting to get punched in the face. So I do think I deserve credit for that. And I will only bring that up if someone goes to me and says, oh, you're back down to Seth.

Fuck no, I didn't. I walked right the fuck over there, and he's going bring that up if someone goes to me and says, oh, you're back down to Seth. Fuck no, I didn't. I walked right the fuck over there, and he's going to take my ass out. He's going to take my ass out. But at least I did it. You should never brag about not reading books. Well, I like to read books, but I like to read nonfiction books. I don't like to read fiction. Like, if I want to read fiction, I'll watch a movie.

Number 10, you should never brag about going to jail or doing time in prison. Correct. That's a redneck and McDougal move, and you shouldn't brag about that. Unless it was for something badass like moonshining or something, then I would brag about it. Number 11, you should never brag about how popular you were in high school or how hard you partied. You know what? I don't have an issue with that. Now, I wasn't Mr. Cool in school anyway, but I enjoyed high school.

So why not? Let's see. Number 12, bragging about being cut from a different cloth or built different. Yeah, that's Philly people. People in Philly love to brag. Actually, in fairness, every city loves that. Like every city thinks their city is the toughest in the world and that they're the toughest people and that they're so different and nobody can handle them. That's everybody. Not just Philly. Philly is more famous for it. Like Houston people think they're tougher than everybody. Nashville people think they're tougher.

Everybody thinks they're fucking tougher. Number 13, you should never brag about how you're friends with a disabled person or you have friends among a certain race or minority group. Well, again, it's all about whether or not somebody throws something at you first. All right. If someone comes to you and says you're racist and you're a piece of garbage, is it wrong to say like, hey, I have a guy I hang out with black folks all the time or I went to school with a bunch of black folks. Is it really terrible to say that? Or is there like a certain number, like an over-under that you have to hit before you can start using it? Like if you only have two black friends, you don't use it. But if there's like an over-under four and a half minority friends, are you in the clear? Can you say like, I have like two black friends, an Indian friend and a Mexican friend. And then are you absolved? Number 14, you should never boast about anything sex-related.

Well, what do I have to boast about? I'm fat and I sweat a lot during sex. Although, Jilly, we'll have you know that I am a cunnilingus connoisseur. And I am apparently very good at it. Ladies have loved it. Some have squirted. They loved it. They love it when I get down there. And number 15, you should never boast about the drugs they've done or the

messed up stuff they've done while high. Well, I've never actually done the drugs, so I'm not boasting about it. But if you did some badass shit, like what if you were high on drugs and then like somehow you cured cancer? Or like the Beatles. The Beatles, I talk about their music. You know where all their great music was made? High. So I think that's bullshit. Fuck you, BuzzFeed list. You don't know shit.

Get out of my life. Now, I'm going to get out of here in a few minutes because I have to take Luther for a walk. I have a phone call with my agent today because we've got to figure out how to get me paid. Then I've got to be on with Bootsy in Houston in about an hour. So I've got to do that. So I'm quite busy. I'm doing one of the things you shouldn't do. I'm bragging about how much I work. I work very hard. And then I've got to get home in time, sit down, watch the Cardinals. So I'm very busy. But I do love you guys very much. I appreciate you guys for listening to the pod. I really do.

And we'll see if we can get something else on here today, maybe like a post-game record, because I'll be either angry or really excited. So we'll see. But I love you guys. And a big up, by the way, I want to say hi to Dr. Busby again. They're the best. And I haven't talked to them in a while because there's been no pod. But I talked to them, but they haven't been on the pod.

Dr. Busby and ToeGrips. If you go to ToeGrips.com, you can still use that promo code LUTHER and you can get the Encore Mobility or the ToeGrips or anything for your dog. So I would urge you to do that because they're really great people. So thank you.

Josh Ennis, see you guys later.