The Josh Innes Show - Lowes Masturbator

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

A gentleman was caught masturbating in a shed at a Lowes. This happened in Slidell, LA! My People! Anywho, I have many questions about this whole ordeal. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart. Groceries that over-deliver. Well here's a fun story. Police find naked man in Lowe's display shed with Vaseline and phone. This is in Slidell, Louisiana. My people. L.A. Baby the boot. Slydell Louisiana Slydell police responding to a call at a Lowe's parking lot on Sunday morning reportedly found a naked man inside a display shed engaged in lewd behavior. So I would have to then go out on a limb and guess here that my man had his Vaseline and his

phone and he was watching himself some pornography while in one of these sheds. According to police the call came in around 5 p.m. on May 11th 2025. A witness reported a naked male inside one of the stores outdoor tool sheds which are typically used to show customers various storage options for purchases. You know what this means? This means that this guy was out whacking in the tool shed. It's like Mr. Anderson and Beavis in Butthead. Officers arrived at the scene and began searching

the line of sheds on display. It wasn't until the fourth or fifth shed that they located the suspect, lying on his back, pants around his ankles, using an open container of Vaseline, an electronic device while allegedly masturbating. Here's the thing about Vaseline and using Vaseline for sexual purposes. Vaseline is forever. That shit does not go away. Like look, not to get too grotesque with you here, but like there are, like when it comes to masturbating, and I understand that maybe you have, what's the word I'm looking for? You

might have a lack of resources. Now, I don't know if this guy was homeless or anything. He had a phone and he was able to get vaseline. How many homeless people you know have vaseline? So my guess is he wasn't homeless. But in your youth, and you're starting to learn your body a little bit, you start to explore with different shit and whatever you have around because you starting to learn your body a little bit, you start to explore with different shit and whatever you have around because you have to be kind of sneaky whatever because you don't know, you know, you're 12, 13, 14 years old, you

don't really know any better. And then as you grow up, you start to learn certain things about masturbatory lubricants. And before we break those down, let me play a couple commercials. selection of slots. So there you have it. How can you match that? Check out Prize Matcher and see why it's never ordinary at Bet 365. Must be 19 or older, Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connexontario.ca, tease and see supply. What a tease. Masturbatory lubricants. And I don't know if this applies to women or not because I don't know what women have used growing up and how they explore their bodies, but I think I can speak for men. And I can tell you that as you grow up, you

start to discover different types of lubricants that can make your exploration of your own body something that is better. You can improve the experience, right? So like on one hand, you can have, you know, like you just start to discover things like shampoo. What you learn about shampoo and other soaps is shampoo, particularly, is a terrible, terrible thing to use while exploring your body because the shampoo gets in your pee hole and it burns.

So shampoo, you just scratch off. Then you're looking into other things. So you're like, well, there's some lotions and you explore those. But sometimes you learn that like lotions will kind of like dry out faster, right? You're like, well, I have to waste a lot of lotion. And before you know it, everybody's going to notice that there is no lotion, like the lotion, why is our lotion disappearing so fast, right?

Then you discover Vaseline. And the thing about Vaseline is just from a strictly like Lubrication and longevity standpoint Vaseline is like the goat of Non-actual lubricant lubricants, right? Like the goat would be you know, you get yourself like, you know Some sort of you know, you go to the fucking the the lion's den or something and go buy, you know, you get yourself like, you know, some sort of, you know, you go to the fucking, the lion's den or something and go buy, you know, some, you know, lubricant or whatever. But the reality is when you're like 13, 14, 15, you can't do that. You don't just go, you can't just walk in. I mean, I guess in theory, you could buy a lubricant at the store, but

you're not going to do that. So then you're like, well, this kind of like you don't have that option. So what's the next best option? Assuming you do not have an actual lubricant, the best option is Vaseline. Now, again, there are pros and cons to the Vaseline that our friend in this storage shed is using here. Like one of the negatives is that man is masturbating with Vaseline. That Vaseline is on him for the rest of the day unless he can take a shower and then you have to scrub and scrub and scrub to get rid of it. Like Vaseline is forever and it's a pain in the ass to get off you. The smell of Vaseline never leaves you either and it's

distinctive. Like if somebody were around you and they smelled like you know lotion on your hands, I'll just assume he lotioned up his arms. He's ashy. So he's lotioned up his elbows, whatever. If it's vaseline, no adult human uses vaseline for anything other than masturbatory purposes. Like that's what vaseline exists for, right? Like what do you even use vaseline for? Like, oh, I'm a little chafed on my lip or some shit. No, you use vaseline for masturbatory purposes. That's what Vaseline is there for, right? So, once you, like, I'll tell you something I did with Vaseline that was non-sexual once that was truly the dumbest thing ever. I thought that, like,

greasers of the 50s put Vaseline in their hair to slick it back, right? Like, I thought that's what they used and maybe they do to an extent, I don't know. But I was in this stretch where I wanted to be a greaser type so I just started putting Vaseline in my hair and combing it through. Like basically, like I thought Vaseline was pomade. It's not, it's fucking Vaseline. So I like ran it through my fingers

this was when I was like in middle school, you know? And I had all this fucking Vaseline in my hair. And I went to a birthday party at a bowling alley. And I vividly remember leaning up against like, you know, like the claw game or something like that. And when I leaned up against it and moved, there was a giant like head sized splotch of Vaseline on this. I'm like, what the fuck? I guess I misread this situation. I needed better parenting. Being someone to be like, Josh, you don't put fucking Vaseline on this. I'm like, what the fuck? I guess I misread this situation. I needed better parenting. Being someone to be like, Josh, you don't put fucking Vaseline in your hair, right?

But I did. But anyway, back to our friend who is masturbating in this. What we've established here is that the ultimate lubricant for self-pleasure for a male when he doesn't have access to actual lubricant. Again, not like an adult male that walks into the fucking fantasy store and buys warming lubricant, cooling lubricant, whatever. We're just talking straight up around the house, whatever mom and dad have in the house. You got to get it. You don't use any soaps. You certainly don't use shampoo. shampoo, what you use, like the best thing to use is Vaseline, but it comes at a risk. And the main risk with Vaseline is it's hard to get off of you. So if you cannot take a shower right away, then you've got to make sure that you might want to use something else. And then like you got to use a towel to get

all the Vaseline off you. And then of course, your mom or your dad's gonna be like, why is it just Vaseline all over this towel? I'm like, I don't know. It's strange to me. But anyway, let's get back to the story about the gentleman who was masturbating or who was whacking in the shed. Let's see. With taser drawn, police say the officer ordered the man to pull up his pants and roll onto his stomach to be handcuffed. Police say the man complied with that resistance." That's a risk too. Like part of me, like if this guy's a non-threat, like he doesn't have a gun or anything,

I'd almost be like, you know, you're not jerking off in front of anybody. You're in a tool shed. It's not like you're some crazy person walking around like in the lumber section of Lowe's just beating off, right? So like there's part of me that would be like, like officer, like let him like lose his boner first because there's a chance if he rolls over on that he rolls the wrong way. My man's got a dick bent at a 90 degree angle and he dies. That's death basically. Maybe he got lucky and like rolled over and was able to go six to midnight on it and it wasn't all that bad. I don't know. I don't know if the guy got to finish either. Maybe the rush of the cop coming in with a taser caused him to just get excited. I don't know. Once officers arrived, it wasn't until the fourth or fifth shed,

okay, we got that. The man reportedly admitted to his actions telling officers he was watching YouTube at the time he was arrested on one count of obscenity and booked into jail. The man is not from Slidell according to police who did not release his name. So my man like rolled into town he's like an outsider who rolled into Slidell and his main ambition once he got to town was to roll into Slidell and go pound off in a shed outside the Lowe's in Slidell. Maybe this is what he does he just he's a vagrant that goes from town to town and masturbates at a Lowe's. He's the Lowe's masturbating bandit. Maybe he goes from town to town and that's like his calling card. It's like the Sticky Bandits in a way except it's not sticky from having tape on your hands. It's sticky from

Vaseline and semen. Also what was this guy watching on YouTube? I think he misspoke. I like what can you watch on YouTube that will provide you masturbatory pleasures? Of course, every music video ever on there. Maybe he was watching Tate McCray. I don't know. But I'm sure there's all sorts of horned out music videos on there. But what exactly were you watching on YouTube to do that? I feel like this gentleman maybe misspoke and he was on JizzTube or Ujizz or Pornhub or Faptube. I don't know. Whatever he was on, he was probably on that. I want you to think about the progress we've made though technologically. Like our technological

advances, right? Can you imagine telling someone like 35 years ago that wanted to masturbate at a Lowe's that they'd be able to just watch pornography in their hand like that? Like that guy would have had to have grabbed like a Sears catalog or something or got his dad's porno mag or something and brought that in. Like you aren't going to bring like a portable VCR or anything like that. Now this guy, he's got the urge, he's got his Vaseline. Do you just carry, like I'm guessing he had to have planned

like this is how he woke up this morning like you know what? I think I'm going to masturbate at Lowe's today. Like you had to. That's not like a spur of the moment thing unless he carries Vaseline with him. Maybe he's got like a little Vaseline holster. You know, he just keeps it right there on the side, like have Vaseline will whack and like he just goes from place to place and masturbates in various stores. Like I'm not going to defend the guy here, but there are far worse things he could have done. Like he could have gone in and shot up a movie theater. Instead, he just tried to shoot a low to the lows. But he could have done far worse things. That could have been done at like a park. Like there are creeps that like just walk around

like the masturbating bear and just do this shit everywhere. This guy found himself a place to do it and everything was fine. He should have locked the door. I don't know if they had a lock on this thing. Like again, I don't want to make it sound like I'm saying, hey, go out and masturbate in public or anything like that. But from a standpoint of things that are terrible, and there are a lot of bad things in the world, like we just talked about Tyreke

Hill a second ago and how, oh my God, nigga, I took down the video because it hurt Tyreke's feelings. Although he claims it didn't hurt his feelings. He thought it was funny, but the world thought it was offensive because whatever. Like Tyreke Hill may have broken his kid's arm and Tyree Kilm may have broken his kid's arm and Tyree Kilm may have beaten the shit out of his pregnant girlfriend. What's worse, beating the shit out of your pregnant girlfriend or pounding off in a little low shed at the lows while watching YouTube? What do you think he was watching? I don't know. But what's worse? What's worse, go like robbing a bank like Chief's guy, the guy in the wolf suit, you know, the Casey Wolf or

whatever the fuck his name was. That dude, chief's whatever. I forgot his fucking name. I watched the documentary. It was so stupid and preposterous that I don't remember it. But like let's say you're that guy. What's worse? You go in and you rob a bank dressed as a wolf or you masturbate in a shed outside of Lowe's. See what I'm saying? When you look at it with perspective and you look at it in relation to other things, it's

not so bad. See, you've got to look at everything from that point of view. You have to look at everything through the lens of like, well, relative to blank. Like, that was a big Nick Saban thing. Everything was relative to like, well, relative to blank, relative to blank, relative to blank. Well, you know, relative to being P-Diddy, a guy masturbating in a shed at Lowe's while watching YouTube and using Vaseline isn't all

that bad. And you know what? And this might be a weird way to view this. But that means that fucking Vaseline isn't all that bad. And you know what? And this might be a weird way to view this. But that means that fucking Vaseline was stuck on that guy's hand all fucking day. Because then they cuff you. Like I know that I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective. It should be like, why are you masturbating in a shed outside of a Lowe's? I'm looking at it from the standpoint of they cuff that guy. That means whatever hand he was using, he was either maybe he's a right was using, maybe he's a right-handed guy,

maybe he's a lefty, maybe he's right-handed, but he wanted it to feel like somebody else was doing it, so he used his left hand. I don't know. You have less control of your left hand. So I don't know. But like that means Vaseline was on your hand all day, and it is the absolute worst. You ever masturbated with Vicks Vaporub? That sounds like it'd be exotic. I've never done that. Like even as a boy, like with all the... like it seemed like how would that be any different than like warming lubricants? Like there's all sorts of like a thousand different lubricants you can see in the store. Like oh it's warming,

oh it's cooling, oh it like you know it's tingly or whatever. I wonder what Vicks Vaporub would be like. If anybody has masturbated with Vicks Vaporub, please send me an email. I'm curious. What did it feel like? It'd almost be like masturbating with a York peppermint patty. I don't know. Anyway, more to come.

Poor choice of words.