The Josh Innes Show - Massage Etiquette

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

First off, I lost every one of my Pro Bowl Games bets. I'm a special brand of degenerate. I had a nice phone call with a radio dude. It's nice when people actually take the time to respond to emails. Justin Tucker is being accused of sexual misconduct by multiple massage therapists. Of course, the internet is divided racially. People want Tucker to be treated like Deshaun. The logic is incredibly stupid. I discuss the three things you always fear when getting a massage. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello friends, what's going on? It's Josh Friday, about 1130. Had a nice phone call with a radio gentleman this morning. Won't tell you who he is or where he's from. It's not going to result in a job, at least anytime soon, because I don't have anything. But when I tell you that it's nice to actually have a conversation with people and not be ignored, I mean it. Guy said something. He was like, yeah yeah I've been out of work before and you know you just you feel desperate and you feel like you got to find something and you reach out to people like I get what it's like good there's a lot of these people who don't there's a lot of these radio people

in management positions that seemingly have no clue what it's like to be out of work looking for a gig because they're all kind of grandfathered into these gigs and the second they get fired they're getting another one or they've had the same job for 30 years or whatever it is and more power to you good for you I'm happy for you that you find yourself in that position in life that you've had the same job and that you're in a power position and you're never going to worry about money and you're never going to worry about your job and you're comfortable that's awesome it's admirable the reason I took the job in St. Louis is I thought I'd be comfortable here and have this job for a long time. Didn't work out that way, but good for you if you do. But if you're someone who's had to be

on the grind and someone who has to be looking at jobs and trying to find jobs and be willing to move anywhere for a job job it's nice when someone's willing to not only respond to an email but pick up the phone and be like hey I'll have a conversation with you may result in nothing make nothing may come of it it might be a total waste of time he might have just been doing a favor to a friend of mine who said give him a call these are all possibilities right but maybe it will lead to something. Maybe the guy heard my shit, didn't think much of it. Someone says, hey, you should give him a call. He's a good dude. He's had a nice career. Maybe after talking with me, he doesn't think I'm a

total lunatic. And it's like, hey, if I hear of something that makes sense for you, then I will reach out to you or I will mention your name for something. That's nice. You know what I'm saying? It's a cool deal. It's nice when someone's willing to do that because so many people are unwilling to do those things because so many people, as we discuss almost every day on here, so many people are wrapped up in their own bullshit and are just assholes. Like this guy that I talked to today is a pretty important person and runs a pretty important radio station, a big time fucking radio station. Took the time out of his day, talked to me for half an hour on the phone. Some jamoke he's probably never going to hire. Some guy who's burned a thousand bridges. Some

guy who's had jobs, lost jobs, had jobs, lost jobs, sometimes got fired, sometimes moved to a new job, sometimes got laid off there's no reason for this guy to talk with me big picture he's got a set lineup on his station his station does well he's super successful but he talked to me anyway so when you see somebody like that willing to talk to you and then you see some of the slap dick jabronis that don't even send you an email back you want to be like the fuck's your problem like you want it like you don't even send you an email back, you want to be like, the fuck's your problem? Like you want to, like, you don't want to seem like a psycho, but you want to like, just send another email, like go fuck yourself, bro. Like you are fortunate that somebody with

my resume would want to even be part of your radio station. I'm aware that sounds very arrogant, but sometimes like when you get mad in that way, that's the kind of mindset you have. Like I don't think that way all the time. I don't walk around going, I'm the biggest shit ever. And I've worked here, here and here. The only time I do that is when I'm pressed into it. And when I'm pressed into it is when I get ignored by somebody or someone gives some other jamoke a job.

That's when like my dander gets up a little bit and I start getting pissed off and I'm like, motherfucker, these people couldn't do half the shit I've ever done. You know, that's when I get dander gets up a little bit and I start getting pissed off and I'm like motherfucker these people couldn't do half the shit I've ever done you know that's when I get worked up about it but it's cool that someone is willing to at least have a conversation because that doesn't happen not too many people do that most people send you if they respond it's a terse quick email and you never hear from them. But anybody who's willing to at least have a conversation with me, I have a lot of respect for you. I like you. Thank you very much.

That's very cool of you. And I'm also still on the recovering from the gout train. Foot feels a little bit better today. I'm going to be getting out of the house in a little bit. Got to go across the bridge to Illinois, maybe to the Fairview Heights area, to the St. Clair Square Mall, as it's affectionately known as the office. That is where I'm going to go bet on a shit ton of hockey today. That will be foreign hockey. That will be Swedish hockey. That will be Slovakian

hockey. That will be Ukrainian hockey. That'll be whatever other place you've never heard of with players you've never heard of before. That's where we're going today. Friday is a big day for it. We were down a little bit yesterday. Thanks for nothing, Pro Bowl games. Pro Bowl games, I was an ofer. We did the podcast yesterday about the Pro Bowl games and the betting. I'm aware I'm a full-on degenerate.

I accept that I'm a degenerate. I was talking with this guy on the phone about that. I was like, yeah, you know, sports betting. I'm a degenerate. I bet on the Pro Bowl games. phone about that. I was like, yeah, you know, sports betting. I'm a degenerate. I bet on the Pro Bowl games. And he's like, you can bet on the Pro Bowl games? I'm like, you bet your ass you can. When you're a degenerate like myself, you'll find whatever you can to bet on.

And I bet on the Pro Bowl games, and I lost all of them. Each of them, I took an L. First off, like, they didn't even explain the rules to Joe Burr Nico Collins I don't know if you guys watch this I'm gonna guess more people watch that last night than any basketball that was on TV but here's how it worked with the the quarterback uh little game we have to throw it and hit the targets you got a certain amount of time to hit the targets but if your partner answers questions correctly before the event starts you get bonus time and you can get up to like damn near a minute of bonus time well here's where i got screwed

nico collins is a dipshit and knows nothing about other pro bowlers nothing and then what ended up happening for the next participants there were five more participants in this these sons of bitches would just get the quarterback gave the answer. If the guy didn't know it, he would just tell him the answer and they would count it. Joe didn't know you could cheat like that because Joe has morals. So Joe goes out and has the worst score. Everybody NFC wins that one. I lost them all.

I split dodgeball. I don't even know how I lost dodgeball. I don't know if they counted that as a loss or not. They played two games in dodgeball. AFC, who I they counted that as a loss or not. They played two games in dodgeball. AFC, who I took to win, won one of them. They split them. How is that a loss? And then, in the receiver one that I played, like, what the fuck was Jamar Chase doing?

They didn't really do a good job of explaining that you get one chance to catch a diving catch. You get one opportunity to do it. So he stood around waiting for another opportunity to catch a diving catch. You get one opportunity to do it. So he stood around waiting for another opportunity to make a diving, look, maybe none of you watched it and you're like, what the hell is this degenerate lunatic talking about? Just know that I lost every one of my Pro Bowl games bets.

I'm sure my family's proud. I'm sure my mom's sitting around and she's proud today knowing that her son, who at one time was on the ascent up the radio world, seemed like a real successful kid, good guy, stayed out of trouble for the most part, that he's sitting around complaining that his bets for the Pro Bowl games didn't hit. I'm sure she's proud. I hope I did you proud, mom. For the love of Christ, I hope my sister didn't bet on the Pro Bowl games. Then I'd feel awful. Like I've driven my sister into a life of degeneracy

that is to the point that she's betting on the Pro Bowl games. That said, we will be betting on the flag football game on Sunday. Don't you worry. All right, let's play a few commercials here, and then we will continue our conversations. All right, if you're ready to win some real cash during the basketball playoffs, you got to check out Pick 6 from DraftKings.

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everywhere including new york and Ontario. Voidware prohibited. One per new customer. Bonus award. It is non-withdrawable. Pick six credits that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer. See terms at picksix.draftkings.com slash promos. All right, so what the hell else is going on in the world. Justin Tucker, this jamoke, been inappropriate at the massage parlors, which has him now right there on course or on par with our friend Deshaun. Now, it sounds like Deshaun was a serial predator, and his predatory ways even included going into women's houses and stuff, so this is a little bit different. but what's fascinating about this is the second you hear this, you hear massages and inappropriate content or conduct. And then you see white dude, you know, where social media

is going to go. Oh, you guys better keep that same, uh, that same energy. When you're talking about this guy is Deshaun. It's amazing how ignorant people become and just how dumb people become when race is involved. The second it's a black versus white thing, people lose all reasoning and become absolute dipshits. By that, we mean this. If someone's argument is, y'all better keep that same energy

and come after him and talk about it nonstop like you did with Deshaun. Deshaun Watson was arguably one of the five best young quarterbacks in the NFL who had his life derailed by being a serial predator, most notably with massage therapist. A top five level quarterback who was a choir boy seemingly in college his coach called him Michael Jordan in college seemingly the good old American boy who lived in a house that Warwick Dunn built when he was a kid like that story is a lot sexier than 40 something year old kicker jerking off at the at the massage parlor no one gives a shit about the kicker your argument is that people cared more about Deshaun because Deshaun is black.

Do you think if this kicker were black, which might as well see Bigfoot because you don't see too many black kickers. But who was that punter for the Raiders? King? Was that his name? Something King? Let's say that the black punter from the Raiders was in a situation where he's been banned from a handful of massage therapists and was apparently doing sexual sexually explicit things at the massage parlor. No one would care about that. Like your logic is that people cared about taking down Deshaun because he's black. I guarantee you that if Deshaun were a white quarterback that were jerking off on 50 women and laying down on his stomach, diddling his own asshole, I feel like that would still be a big story. You want to tell me that if Tom Brady

were a serial predator, that it would just be, oh, no, nothing to see here. Just a serial predator, but nothing to see because he's a serial predator, but nothing to see because he's white and we take care of our own here in the media. Bullshit. And you know it's bullshit. That's what bothers me. You're just wrong about this shit and you live in this world. Like there's this guy, Clarence Hill. I think he's in Dallas. Everything this guy does is racial. You can't just look at a situation and go, well, this guy's a fucking predator. It has to be, oh, but if he were black, then it would be different. No, it wouldn't. It'd be treated the same.

It's a core. It's not a black white. It's a quarterback kicker thing. And now I sound like an asshole because I'm like having to defend this whole thing and make it sound like, oh, it's just a kicker jerking off on ladies. Like it's a bad thing, but like you're ignorant and you're willfully ignorant. That's what bothers me. You're willfully ignorant.

If you will sit there and go, well, where's that same energy that we got with, with brother, with brother Deshaun, you know what I'm saying? Brother Deshaun is a serial predator who also happened to be one of the five best players, arguably, in his position, which happens to be the most visual, the most popular, the most important position in the most important sport, in the most important league in America.

Justin Tucker is a 40-year-old slapdick kicker. And if he were black, no one would care either way. It's still a story, and people are going to talk about it, but race has nothing to do with it. The way he's being covered in this story and the way Deshaun was covered had nothing to do with the fact that Deshaun was black and we want to tear down a black quarterback and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

No one gives a shit. Except you. Dude on the internet who tweets shit like, y'all going to keep that same energy? Those are the only people that give a shit about it. Rip Justin Tucker, fine. You should. It seems like, I mean, look, if you're banned from a handful of massage parlors or a parlor gives it a real

seedy thing. A massage parlor is like, you know, Robert Kraft shit. Me love you long time. You walk in, you want hand relief? Like, that's a massage parlor. Sounds like this guy was like, with like legit like massage, you know, therapist. Like, hey, I'm going to the massage envy today to get jerked

off. Have a nice day, therapist. Like, hey, I'm going to the massage envy today to get jerked off. Have a nice day, honey. But the idea that Justin Tucker is being treated differently or being treated more fair or the story isn't as big of a deal because Justin Tucker is white is stupid. If Justin Tucker were a linebacker, it'd be a bigger story than a kicker no one cares about the kicker no one cares about the punter if Justin Tucker were any other position but kicker it'd be a bigger story now he denies the allegations the report claims that he exposed his genitals brushed two of them with his penis and uh leaving with what they believed to be ejaculate on the massage table after three of his treatments. Maybe the man's into tantric sex. Maybe the man ejaculates without being touched on the penis area. Some say that tantric sex is like the most amazing thing ever.

You can reach orgasm just with your mind, like Finch in American Pie. Tucker's lawyers called the allegations speculative and impossible to prove. You find his jizz on that. You show me the jizz. If you can get me his jizz off of that table, then you win. But until you can show me the jizz, there's nothing. But apparently that's the story, is that people are accusing him of being a jerker-offer and an ejaculator in the massage therapy area. You know, the thing, though, is anybody who's ever gotten a massage before, it really is an uncomfortable situation.

When you really think of the absurdity of it, think about the absurdity that you can go to the mall, like I used to do in Houston. I used to go to the Galleria. You can walk into a store that's like right next to Claire's and you can walk in like there's little girls getting their ears pierced at Claire's next door. You walk in and you're like, hey, I'd like a massage right here at the mall.

And there's just some rando that you've never met before. You know nothing about this person. You don't know this person's qualifications. What qualifications does this Asian dude at the mall have to give you a massage? You have no clue, but you're like, my feet sees hurt. Come on. So you just walk in there and you're just like, hey, rub me down. And even though like at the mall, you're not getting into your underwear. It's nothing like, you know just like hey rub me down and even though like at the mall you're not getting into your underwear it's nothing like you know like a true massage thing like that you're still saying hey rub me down random dude at the mall but even if you do know the massage person it's still awkward like uh like you get down to your underwear and shit like i used to go see this massage chick she was actually a really big deal with some of

the athletes uh her name on the internet she was massage Megan I think and I don't know how I found her uh and how that became the the case but I started going to see her she had a place over like kind of outside of downtown Houston and I would go see her and anytime you're getting a massage it's still an awkward scenario like I. And anytime you're getting a massage, it's still an awkward scenario. Like I remember the first time I got a massage, like my dad's like, here, Josh, you can go get a massage. I'm like, okay, cool. I was probably late teens, maybe in high school. I don't know. And like, it's impossible when there's someone's hands on you, rubbing you down for you to not be at least somewhat turned on by it it is impossible so then

what you have to do is live with there's two fears you have when you're getting a massage you don't want to fart and you don't want a boner that's the two things that don't want to happen if you're getting the massage don't fart don't get a boner if you survive that way you're totally fine other things you can live with right like you can live with certain things about a massage, but if you get a boner, even if it's not your fault, even if you're just like, wow, I'm just like mentally stimulated. I'm stimulated by the fact that this woman doesn't matter what she looks like, by the way, that this woman is rubbing your legs and your feet. And like they start rubbing your thighs and shit. And you're like, I should not be. And part of it is you know you're not supposed to be turned on.

So it's like the same concept as laughing at a funeral or laughing in the library. You know you're not supposed to laugh. So you just instantly want to laugh. And then you know if you look at your boy who's with you, you're both going to laugh and it's fucked. That's what it's like getting a massage as it relates to getting a boner and being aroused. You know there's nothing sexual about this. You know it's totally medicinal. You know it's to help you because I always get

deep tissue. People that get Swedish massages, real pussies, right? You got to go in there and get the deep tissue. That's another fear you have. There's three things that you don't want to have happen when you're getting a massage. One, get a boner. Two, fart. Three, tell the gal that she's rubbing you too hard. So you just sit there and you wince in pain because like, you know that that massage is happening because you're trying to release a lot of knots. They'll tell you all the knots you got like, oh, there's a knot at the base of your neck. Oh boy, you got a knot in your shoulders. Boy, you're really tense. You're really tight. And like, do you think I can go deeper? I'm like, go deeper. I can handle it. And then the second they really get in there, it's that level of pain

where you're on the verge of tears, but you know, it's helping you even though you don't really need it. It's not like you're some million dollar athlete or something. You're just a jamoke that's got bad posture. So your neck is, you know, a little bit off. You could just go to the chiropractor and solve your issues, but instead you're getting this deep tissue massage like you're preparing for the fucking world series or something but the lady so it like gets in there and if she gets in there just deep enough you're on the verge of going ah but you don't instead you start like arching your back and she knows it hurts but she doesn't give a fuck because she's a monster that's there to help you so she's like and then like the second they relieve that you you're like, oh, that was the best feeling ever.

All that to say, that's one of the three worst case scenarios in a massage. And that's the best of the worst case scenarios because the best case is, okay, it hurts you a little bit, but you'll move on. Worst case is you fart. You never recover from that. Although I'd be willing to bet that there's a lot of people who fart during massages. I mean, you're relaxed. You're getting rubbed down. One move this way, one move this way, you fart, it's over. And then get a boner. And like, are you, legit question, and this has never happened to me because mind over matter, baby, you got to be like locked in. You got to be like, that's part of the reason I don't enjoy massages because I'm so worried about

getting a boner that I'm like, nope, I'm not going to enjoy this massage because the only thing on my mind is don't get a boner. Don't get a boner. Okay. And, but if you, like, if you involuntarily get an erection during a massage, is that like, is that a sexual like misconduct type of thing? You don't say anything. You're not like, hey, it's not going to rub itself. Or say hello, hey, why don't you finish me off? Or like some weird porno line or something like that.

If you just get a boner, you make no mention of it. You don't do anything sexually graphic like hump the table like you're Deshaun Watson or something. If you don't do anything but you just get an erection while getting a massage, is that misconduct? Like you can't help it. You can't tell yourself to not get a boner. It's a mental thing. Like, Oh, well think about your naked grandma still getting a boner. Like it's like, it's, you can't like, there is no force field that will stop it when you're in that scenario then you certainly don't want to get aroused while you're laying on your stomach and

that's a situation those tables are hard and then i mean who knows you could end up with breakage you don't want to deal with that either but yeah i've never been in a situation where i've gotten a massage and then i'm just like hey. And then there's like ejaculate everywhere. Mostly because my massage has happened at the mall by Asian men who have very hot breath when they whisper in my ear. So I don't really get aroused by that. Very hot breath. Warm, muggy breath. Not a dry heat. It's a muggy heat.

And when those Asian dudes get in there and like, they start rubbing it and then they whisper, Hey, you want combo? And like, there's this, it's like a, it's like the Santa Ana winds, except those are dry. It'd have to be like a, a wetter wind that would just waft into your ear. And you're like, boy, that's warm, but we don't care about those things. We're just like, rub me down, Asian gentlemen. Please rub me down while we play these Asian pan flute versions of contemporary hit records. I really want to hear espresso on the pan flute. And then you just lay there and you're like, this is the best time ever. And we just accept that. And then it's bizarre. The whole concept

of getting a massage is a very bizarre concept all that said i don't know what the fuck this guy did or didn't do but anybody that's trying to play the angle of oh why don't you keep that same energy with deshaun is a fucking racist and a dipshit and probably really fucking stupid and that's all they have is race baiting bullshit so don't waste your time with those people and don't get boners at the massage parlor don't go to massage parlors parlor is not the word to use go see a licensed massage person not someone who's here illegally that wants to jerk you off for an extra ten dollars don't do that just just don't get a boner don't fart and don't cry like a bitch when they go deep tissue always

get deep tissue and don't leave ejaculate on the table and you should be fine be blessed