The Josh Innes Show - Random Thoughts: Who Will Tom Brady Date?

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

Hi All! Tom Brady and Gisele have called it quits. You'd think at some point they'd each get back on the bang bus with someone new. Well, Vegas has odds for who each will date next. Some are crazy but some almost make sense. We break it down here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

One of my favorite stories of the day is about the demise of the marriage of Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady. And I'm not rooting for their failure. I did not hope that they would end up divorced. I have nothing for or against them. I don't hate them because they're famous. I don't hate them because they're beautiful. I couldn't care less. But the story that I enjoy is that BetOnline, who I used to gamble with, BetOnline.ag,

I mean, that was one of the OGs I used. Speaking of BetOnline, I don't know how their payouts work now, but their payouts used to be like, I think this was BetOnline that I used for this, that or I forgot, I used one of them for this, or MyBookie, one of them. But they would send checks in the mail via DHL, and they would arrive on the porch, and I'd get a check, and it would be from the Bank of Canada for like $500 or whatever. It was very strange. But I bring up BetOnline and Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady today because there are odds about which or who each of them will date first after their marriage has dissolved.

All right. So Giselle's got hers. Tom's got his. Now, it's important to note, they say others on request. Any wager placed after this becomes public knowledge, will be graded, no action. Okay. So here's how it works. The list of Giselle. We'll go Giselle first, and I'll share some of the ones that stand out, some that's how it works. The list of Gisele.

We'll go Gisele first, and I'll share some of the ones that stand out, some that could be sleepers. They all have great value, by the way. The shortest odds to be Gisele Bundchen's next boyfriend is Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson, of course, whose penis has been in just gorgeous vaginas good for him uh who's he been with uh that we know of right Kim Kardashian really he mentally fucked Kanye and then uh who's oh what's her name Ariana Grande like he has dipped his wick in some splendid oil uh he is plus 1200 and he seems like look you put 100 put $100, you win 1,200. You put in $50, you could win $600.

Would it be totally unrealistic that Gisele Bundchen would date Pete Davidson? The guy dates all the hot chicks. Now, I don't know what she's into. If she's going to be looking for a guy more around her age. If she's going to look to go rob the cradle a little bit. Fuck somebody younger. I don't know. These are all the things you have to consider.

But currently, he has the shortest odds at plus 1,200 as Pete Davidson. Not an appealing guy. Has to have a huge schlong. That's the only thing. And they say, well, people love funny. Chicks love funny. I don't find him to be funny. Whatever. Look, I don't fault him. I'm not going to sit there and shit on the guy and whatever. Look, get all that ass. Good for you. I just don't get it. Jason Momoa is number two. Aquaman at plus 1,800. That seems like a real wild card there. That seems very high.

Leo is plus 2,000. Here's why Leo doesn't make any sense. Leo is a well-known half his age fucker. That's what Leo's into. So I find it hard to believe that Leo is going to get with someone that's even near his age. Like he likes to look for the 24, 25, 26 year old chicks. So to me, there's no value in taking Leo. The only value is that, Hey, he's Leo and he can bang whoever he wants. Okay. And I think, I think they have a history too. Like, I think they were together at one point, so maybe they rekindle that for a few minutes

and bang it out. So maybe there is value. Maybe I take that back. For history, there's some value, but she seems too old for Leo now. John Mayer at plus 2,000, just because, you know, John Mayer fucks everybody. Ruined Taylor Swift, apparently. Neymar, the Brazilian soccer player, is plus 2,000. I don't see that at all. Maybe it's just because he's a big-time athlete and she bangs big-time

athletes. I don't know. Some of the others that stand out, let's see, Bradley Cooper's on there at plus 2,500. That really unappealing guy from the Fat Lady drama show on NBC was at This Is Us, Milo Ventimiglia. He was the dude that played Rocky's kid and Rocky Balboa. He's got the weird droopy lip like Carl Spackler and Caddyshack. Well, he is plus 4,000. Now, Zac Efron could have some juice here. He's plus 5,000. Now, there's a couple on here that if they happen would be so choice and would be savage and just destructive. Number one, Aaron Rodgers at plus 6,600. Look, he's a quarterback. He's single and wants to mingle.

Uh-huh. And, I mean, that's the guy that's always considered kind of 1A and 1B with Brady, right? Aaron Rodgers. I think there's value there. And now, is it going to happen? No, but you put in 2525 plus $6,600. There's a nice little turn. Hell, you put $15 on that, you're getting a nice little turnaround.

Gronkowski at $16,000. Oh, God, Gronkowski might be the sweetest of all of them. Holy shit. You imagine Rob Gronkowski taking over his new boyfriend, living in Tom's old house, fucking his old lady in his old bed, taking his kids to Pinkberry. Holy shit! That'd be a fine one. Oh shit, there might be one better! Hold on!

Antonio Brown at plus 8,400. Hot damn! Oh boy! Plus 8,400 for Antonio Brown to be Gisele Bundchen's next boyfriend. I mean, Antonio's really made a massive heel turn on poor Tommy, right? Like, I mean, they were boys. Tom would go to bat for them. Antonio, who's a lunatic. Like, I'm a lunatic.

He's like a super-duper mental midget lunatic. Just a crazy person. And Antonio turned on his boy. So, oh, boy, wouldn't that be hot? You get a little interracial thing going. Antonio like doing weird shit in Tom's house. Like he seems like he would go like fart into Tom's pillow and post a video of it or like poop in his bed or something. Like that's what it seems like he would do.

Or clog the toilet deliberately. Like that's the kind of dumb shit that Antonio Brown finds funny that he would do while he's banging it out with Tom's old lady in the house one thing we don't know is if there's like any sort of you know a vendetta that that Tom and Giselle have with each other I mean it seems amicable but everything seems amicable public publicly what do we have behind the scenes does she fucking hate Tom now do they hate each other does she want to spite him do they think that maybe they want to try to reconcile down the line but she wants to get hers now like what is it? These are the questions I have, and I don't know.

But Antonio Brown would be the ultimate fuck you, I could argue. Either that or Gronk. Because Gronk is legitimately his boy. They love each other. I don't think Tom was ever legitimately boys with Antonio Brown. He just needed someone to catch passes, and he was the guy. So he kissed his ass a little bit. Also, Donald Trump Sr., the Prez, is plus 100,000.

I don't think that's going to happen. Now, Tom's next girlfriend. Here are the odds for Tom's next girlfriend. These ones aren't nearly as scintillating or dramatic or controversial as those. Those ones up top would be epic. Some of those, like Antonio Brown or Rodgers, those would all be epic. Tom Brady, the shortest odds. Taylor Swift at plus 1,400 to be Tom's next girlfriend.

Doesn't she have a boyfriend or something? Is she engaged? Something? I don't see that one happening. Adriana Lima's number two. Number four is Kim Kardashian at plus 2,500. None of these seem realistic to me. You debate. Do you think Tom goes with more of another supermodel type? Do you think Tom goes with an unknown? Does he try to go Adam Levine with it and creep into some DMs and be like, boy, I'd like to fuck your ass. Like, what do you do? I don't know.

Lindsey Vonn, he can go dip his wick in that Tiger Woods. Strange, huh? Is that. Go where Tiger's been, the all-time great. Maybe that's what Lindsey Vonn wants to be known for. She wants to be the chick that fucks the two goats. I don't know. Jennifer Aniston, plus 2,500.

I don't know. Does Tom want to get with someone who's actually older than him? I don't know. I don't know. Does Tom want to get with someone who's actually older than him? I don't know. I don't know. Someone's got to be famous. I don't see how Tom can just hook up with some rando that's not famous. He's too famous. Charlize Theron.

Then you get to the bottom, and some of these are weird, but I'm kind of into it. Alyssa Milano. Tom ain't fucking Alyssa Milano. This isn't Who's the Boss. This isn't Poison Ivy 1996 here, okay? This is Alyssa Milano, crazy, wacky, liberal person, probably doesn't shave her armpits, wears a vagina hat. Tom Brady is far too good to fuck present-day Alyssa Milano. The only reason you fuck present-day Alyssa Milano is to say that you fucked Alyssa Milano, and then everyone will go back and think, boy, she was my first crush on who's the boss or fuck Poison Ivy or whatever other horny shit, Charmed, whatever.

That's what they'll think about. But you don't fuck her for the way she looks now. You're way too important. But then again, look at Tom. Tom looks like Skeletor. He looks fucked up. So I don't know. But I think that he's above Alyssa Milano.

That's plus 3,300. Plus 4,000. Plus 4,000. Plus $4,000. Plus $4,000. This one's wild now. And it's not going to happen, but the visual would be great. Tara Reid at plus $4,000. Now, if Tom were hooking up with 2002 Tara Reid, Van Wilder Tara Reid, then you got a story. Tara Reid is so busted now.

It's almost like an ugly duckling. Not an ugly duckling. Maybe that's not a fair way to put it. But it's almost like he takes on the challenge. It's like a 1990s high school comedy where he takes on the challenge of just rejuvenating Tara Reid. Starts giving her all the fucking avocado ice cream and shit. And then before you know it, she's hot again. And he takes her to the Met Gala.

Or he takes her to the Met Gala as she currently is, which is a bus station skank, which would be even better. Like current Tara Reid is like simple life Nicole Richie. And I'm here for it. Amber Heard is plus 10,000. I don't think Tom's going to go that crazy. Jada Pinkett Smith. I don't think that Will would give a shitty. I mean, they fuck around. Mia Khalifa, because she's always included in all this.

And finally, this is the one that I think is the most appealing. Plus 50,000. Zach Wilson's mom. To me, I'm kind of here for this. You know, you got the guy that's trying to take over as like the new guy in the AFC East. You want to really fuck with that kid's mind? Have fucking Tom Brady be new stepdad on the scene. Imagine Tom Brady walks in, you know, he's, you know, hammering it out with fucking Zach Wilson's mom in her house. Zach walks in, mom, what the hell are you doing? Is that Tom Brady walks in. He's hammering it out with fucking Zach Wilson's mom in her house.

Zach walks in. Mom, what the hell are you doing? Is that Tom Brady? Yeah, it is. Son of a goat. Get in line, little boy. I don't know why he'd want to get in line. I don't think he wants to bang his own mom.

But you get my point. Zach Wilson's mom is a pretty strong one. I'm not opposed to that. She's very hot, obviously. Lenny Dykstra loves her. But Tom, that would be like, I want the next chick that Tom hooks up with to be a big fuck you to the world, and maybe Zach Wilson's mom would be.

So my two, if I had to put betting money and say I have to bet on something, they give me $100, you put $50 on each. I would go with... Boy, this is tough. I'm going to take Leo only because they have history. But is he married?

No. I'm going to take Leo based on the history. So 50 wins 1,000 for Giselle's next boyfriend. And Tom's next girlfriend? Boy, this is tough. This one's very tough. Out of the ones that I have to choose from here, I'm not suggesting my own. Halle Berry was in there too for plus $2,500.

I am going to go with Bella Hadid plus $2,800. $50 wins $1,400. And now you know the rest of the story.