The Josh Innes Show - Swifties v. McDougall's

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

This is going to sound odd, but I actually kind of feel bad for Jason Kelce. The man has to bow down to two groups of people..Swifties and McDougall's. They are similar groups. Also, I'm amazed at how Jason was shocked that Philly people may be upset that he may have rooted for his brother. What a weird world this its. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All righty, friends, what's going on? Hello. I see that the Philly McDougals are all riled up over Jason Kelsey still and who he was rooting for in the Super Bowl and how it's a big talking point still on the radio there, which is fascinating to me because your team just won the goddamn Super Bowl. You're about to have your second parade ever for a Super Bowl champion, and here we are still talking about who a dude is rooting for.

I know, and I didn't watch the full episode of it because I will never under any circumstance watch a full episode or listen to a full episode of New Heights with the Kelsey brothers because they are both just extremely oozing douche. And I really don't give a shit about listening to it. But apparently Jason cried when breaking this down. He broke down while breaking down how he had to choose to root for. And he can't believe that there are Swifties that are out there. They would believe that I wouldn't want my brother to do good. Imagine being enslaved to two masters like this poor bastard is.

In a way, I almost feel bad for him. And in a way, I don't. Because on one hand, you've created this kind of wacky character that you had it made you somewhat of a celebrity especially a Philly celebrity no one had anything bad to say about you in Philadelphia you were just a cult hero there you were a Super Bowl champion there you wore the mummers outfit uh and you know the whole deal and then you decided to fly too close to the sun and want to be a huge celebrity. And then your brother starts banging Taylor Swift

and then her fans find you. And then all of a sudden you have a $100 million podcast and you're in every commercial and nobody can see. People are sick of you. And it is what it is. And then you cry a lot now. You cry when you see some sad story on the NFL. You cry when you have to explain to the Swifty people that you're

you know that you'd never root against your brother and then you go to WIP and you cry because you have to explain to the Philly people that you would never root against them and like in a way I feel bad for this Putts the reason I feel bad for him is all he wanted to do was be like I guess a cult hero in Philadelphia and be obnoxious and be the guy that everybody says is the everyman, but in reality he's not the everyman because the everyman doesn't take off a shirt and chug beer at a football game. But whatever, it is what it is. That's just kind of what he wanted to be, and he was content with that.

He was kind of the big offensive lineman, oaf, lovable oaf, big bearded oaf. Well, he's got the better looking brother, and then everything changed when his brother starts banging Taylor Swift, and now he's got the better looking brother. And then everything changed when his brother starts banging Taylor Swift. And now he's like a huge celebrity. And like, in a way, I feel bad because he is enslaved to two masters. And those two masters are Swifties and McDougals, who are very similar beings and that they are overbearing and they take the subject of their desire very, very serious. Swifties' object of desire, of course, is mother, or that is Taylor Swift to you and I, or T

Sweezy, or Tay, or Tay Tay, or Tay, or whatever, but she is mother to the most diehard fans of her work. She is known as mother, and they take her very serious serious serious to the point that they found a woman who by the way wasn't even cj gj's mom or her business but they found who they thought or what was the business of chauncey gardner johnson and because chauncey gardner johnson talked some shit to uncle travi that they sought out to destroy this woman's business or that they thought was this woman's business uh they're evil people. They are demented. They think they're doing things for noble causes because they idolize a god

that also operated that way to become famous, made themselves a victim and attacked people who were the bullies in this case and then took those same people and wrote songs and everything and created a world where this person was a victim. We're nice people. We're altruistic, but the other people are not. They're bad. They're evil. They're terrible. We scoff at them because they're awful, right? That's the

world that was created. And they, they view themselves. They're like liberals in that way. They view themselves as doing some sort of noble cause. And that's why they don't realize that the bad shit they do and the mean shit they do is somehow this like, oh my God, we're doing good things because we're fighting the good fight. When in reality, you're just assholes, just like everybody, but you're just an asshole defending your false God, Taylor Swift. Then you've got McDougal. Bless McDougal's heart. He's generally speaking equally, if not less educated than the Swifties people. And he also idolizes a false god. And that false god is Philly sports, but most importantly, the Philadelphia Eagles, right? So McDougal is wild and McDougal is

passionate. And McDougal has special pet names for some of his favorite players, just like Mother is the hero to the Swifties. Well, you get people like, you know, you get people that get special nicknames. You know, you get people like, you know, owners that get special nicknames. You get special, you get the picture. They're equal. They're the same people when it comes to the passion that they have for the object of their love and their lust and their desire. They're very similar beings. So now I want you to imagine being Mr. Jason Kelsey, who has to deal with trying to balance the love and affections and how he handles both sides. And both are lunatics. Let's play some commercials, and we will continue this discussion.

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Cause honestly, I think he's, he comes across as a try hard douche. Maybe he's a nice guy. I don't know him on a personal level but he seems like and we talk about this all the time he comes across as the guy who tries too hard to be funny in a similar way to how Taylor Swift comes across as the person who tries too hard to be super nice to everybody right or is always just blown away by everything like I was just watching a video of last year's Super Bowl or I think it was the Super Bowl where she's talking to Harrison Butker after the game. And they just won the game.

And she just has this ridiculous look on her face of over the top, I am so happy for you. And it's just over the top. And it feels fake. And it feels phony. And no one's here for it. I think Jason Kelsey at one point started off as kind of the affable everyman. And I think that happens for a lot of people that become super popular is they start out being themselves. And people start to gravitate towards that and they like it. Like, I can see why people, when I talk shit about Jason Kelsey when I lived there, would come to his defense.

He played for the football team that they love. And he seemed just kind of like a good, lovable, everyday, affable dude, right? But as time moves on, you start to become a different version of that because the world changes you. And then you start to believe your own bullshit. You start to believe that you're the biggest shit on the planet. You start to believe that because you're in every commercial and everybody seeks you out, that you're a big fucking deal. Then you go from being the guy that's just like Philly's little secret that where you don't really deal with a ton of blowback. Like you're not going to deal with a ton of blowback. If you're the fucking center for the Philadelphia Eagles, no one really gives a shit

about you outside of Philadelphia. But in Philadelphia, they give a lot of shits about you. But then what happens is you become a more prominent brand, a national brand, a global brand. You start to build up enemies and people who just don't like you, people who find you annoying, shocking, people who are not Philadelphia Eagles fans who worship everything Philadelphia Eagles players do, that you deal with other people and they're just sick of seeing you. And then you have to find ways to impress them because it was really easy to impress your original fans. Your original fans were people that were easily amused by you wearing a mummer's outfit at the parade. The problem is nobody outside of fucking Philadelphia knows or cares about the weird mummer shit. So they don't care that you did that. You didn't

really earn any points with them. They don't, you don't play for their team. You didn't chug beers at their parade. You didn't wear the suit. You didn't go on WIPay every week to talk shit about Dallas. So they don't care about you. So all they see is this bearded jamoke and the Campbell Soup commercials and the insurance commercials. And they see that your wife has a fucking podcast. And they see that you have a podcast with your brother. And all the stories are about drama and Taylor Swift. And people just don't like you. So what it appears is that Mr. Jason Kelsey here is having a hard time accepting the fact that there's going to be negativity. Because again, when you were in Philly, the negativity may have been about your play, but it was never about you as a person. They were not

annoyed by you. They liked you. You were one of them. But now you're out there in front of everyone and people are going to have differing opinions of you. Some may just not like you because they now know you play for the Eagles and they're sick of seeing you. There's a bunch of factors that go into this. He seems to have a hard time grasping the concept that, hey, some people are not going to like him. Thus, you see him on his podcast crying and he's shocked. Here's my favorite thing about Kelsey. And maybe he's totally full of shit, which is very possible. But my favorite thing about Jason Kelsey is that Jason Kelsey built his entire aura on being this kind of affable every guy, offensive lineman in Philly, pandering to Philly people hard. It's like he listened to WIP every

morning and started reading like those hundred things to know about Eagles fans before you die books. And then just went in there and just started checking everything. Like I'm going to started reading like those hundred things to know about Eagles fans before you die books and then just went in there and just started checking everything like I'm gonna say this today and I'm gonna do this today and they're going to love me it's like he listened to WIP and was like all right I need to fucking all right we hate the Cowboys check let me mention that I hate the Cowboys guy did everything to appeal to the lowest common denominator of jabroni in Philadelphia, the kind of uneducated doofus that's easily riled up by talking about the great Buddy Ryan stories and all that shit. So he knew what to do. He was very smart and he played the game. The smart ones in Philly do. Like the ones

that stick around and stay in Philadelphia are the ones that were brilliant at playing the game. In no other city do you really need to do that. No one in Houston gives a shit if somebody that played for the Astros blew them as fans. No one cares. That's why the lead analyst for the Houston Astros television network, the lead analyst did play for the Astros. You know what else the lead analyst for the Houston Astros did? Hit a home run to beat the Astros in a World Series game. His name is Jeff Blum.

He played for the White Sox in 2005 when they played them in the World Series. And people fucking love this guy. It's a different world in a lot of places. You do not have to jerk off the fans anywhere else like you do in Philadelphia. So Jason Kelsey was very smart about it. He jerked them off good. He went out and found that really good kind of lube, like wet, wet lube, squirted it all into his hands and he's like let's he wouldn't even he didn't even jerk him off he went out and bought a fleshlight a pocket pussy this guy went out and bought a fleshlight and just worked it on him and then afterwards he cleaned it for him he's like don't worry no hon don't throw that in the dishwasher i'll clean it by hand like that's what jason kelsey did to these people and they bought it hook line and sinker now fast forward to the super bowl he's

not playing in it so obviously it's not an easy situation where like, hey, I want to win the Super Bowl. He no longer plays. He's lonely. He's seeing his old mates from a year ago going on to win another Super Bowl, right? And then there's his brother playing against that team. Common sense would tell you that he wants his brother to win. That's his flesh and blood. Who gives a shit about these other guys on this team? I love them that's my brother i want him to have success but also common sense should tell jason kelsey this that if these same dipshits who easily fell for your tricks your little bag of gimmicks that easily fell for this idea that you're like the everyman and i hate the cowboys and i like the mummers and i'm mr philadelphia i'm like b like Bryce fucking Harper, who's also a brilliant pander to the Philly people, by the way,

because that's what you have to do. It's politics there. They are easily duped. They say they're tough. They're not. You just feed them bullshit. They'll gobble it up, baby. You put it in a little saucer,

and they're like little fucking kittens. They'll gobble up that milk out of a saucer. That's what they do. They are easily duped. But if they're that easily duped and you've convinced all these people that you hate everything that isn't Philly, how did you think they would react if their team is in the Super Bowl and they care everything about that football team?

That is their lives. They love that football team more than their kids, their wives, their family. They spend every extra dime they have on jerseys and trips and everything else. How did he think that person would react, that McDougal would react if Jason was like, I don't know who I'm rooting for. At that point, you've betrayed them. And I know you're saying, Josh, this is ridiculous. That sounds like some juvenile nine-year-old bullshit. Well, McDougal, in many cases, has what you might call arrested development. McDougal has been a nine-year-old since he was nine years old and hasn't really grown up.

That's why sports is so important to him. That's why the players are so important to him. That's why he idolizes these guys. To him, the football is everything. It's like that movie Silver Linings Playbook where the Robert De Niro character believes in jinxes and like takes off jerseys and shit. That's arrested development, nine-year-old child shit. But that's how McDougal sees things. So in his mind, if you're like him, which you are because you're Jason Kelsey and you're just like him and you love Philadelphia

and you love the birds and you love everything about it, how dare you at any point root against my team? And you might say, if you're not from Philly, you're listening to this going, wait a minute, there are people that are pissed off that this guy was maybe rooting for his brother over the Eagles? Yeah, it's a talking point on the fucking radio in Philadelphia. But how could he be shocked by that? A guy who spent his entire time building this image as Captain Philadelphia, how could he be shocked by that? A guy who spent his entire time building this image as Captain Philadelphia. How could he be shocked knowing all the shit he had to do to pander to them? What did he think they would do? Again, there's a lot of them that are just fucking morons. How do you think they're going to react? How do you think they're going to respond

when you've betrayed them in their eyes? Again, we can all sit there and say it's stupid of course it's fucking stupid it's absurd but that's philadelphia we're in a lot of instances it's arrested development nine-year-old forever they're all fucking peter pan but like methed out peter pans like if peter pan were really into like, to like bud heavies and yinglings and hoagies and eating those hoagies on a garbage can outside of a Wawa. Like if, if, if Peter Pan were really into talking about how 1983 was a magical year for sports in Philadelphia, then that's Peter Pan. It's McDougal Peter Pan. If his name was like Tommy Peter, if his name was like Tommy Pan, that's what he is. It's me, Tommy Pan. I'm nine years old forever, baby. Of course, that's how they are. So what did he think would happen? Then we go to the other

side. How did he think the Swifties would react? the Swifties I could argue are more responsible for his position in life now because the Swifties are why he and his brother are gabillionaires and we'll never have to worry about anything again the reason they're gabillionaires and have a hundred million dollar podcast deal and the reason why his wife has a podcast is because the Swifties are into it and they're into it because of Uncle Travi. Where Travi's dipping his wick is why your boy's got a career after football. That's not just, you know, doing pregame shows from the casino in fucking Philadelphia. He's on national television. Why is he on national television?

Why is his podcast worth $100 million? Because of the Swifties. And I love that there are some McDougals that are, I was arguing with McDougal who was like they had a big podcast before Taylor Swift oh yeah they have a hundred million dollar podcast before Taylor Swift no they didn't because the the masses didn't care oh but they were big stars the fuck Travis or Travis Kelsey was a relatively large star his brother was a regional star a. His brother was a regional star, a local star, who became a bigger star because of the attachment to Taylor Swift.

So now they feel betrayed because you're not rooting for Uncle Travi and the only reason they know who you are is because of Uncle Travi and mother. See what I'm getting at here? So the guy is a slave to two masters. And so he has to go to one side and cry and say i have sinned to the swifties and he's got to go to philadelphia and say i'm so sorry and like it's got to be a

miserable existence because it's petty 15 year old middle school high school bullshit but that's what you've gotten yourself into really what your brother got you into. But that's where you are and that's where you're stuck now. So there you go. The big question about tomorrow, the parade is Friday. Today is Thursday. Is what is Jason Kelsey going to do? What is going to happen at this parade to make it about himself and try to redeem himself? So he said yesterday, he may be riding in a baby Bjorn on the Philly fanatic jumping out of a plane. I don't know. But something's going to happen tomorrow because there's no way he could avoid the attention in the spotlight and try to redeem himself in the eyes of the Philly fans because, of course, he cried on his podcast.

This is some ridiculous high school drama we're dealing with here, but it's 2025.