The Josh Innes Show - Thank You, Fat Phil

Episode Date: December 15, 2025

Phil Rivers is a hero to all of us white, fat, middle aged dudes. I don't care that he lost. I don't care that his BMI was higher than his QBR. That's all moot. We needed representation and we got it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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All right, everybody. Welcome in All Up in this Monday edition, friends, after a weekend of football, not a ton of great football being played. The games were not overly interesting. There were a couple that were somewhat compelling. I guess the back and forth and the Bill's Patriots was. Bill's kind of saved their season, kind of sort of, save their season.

But really, the games weren't all that sexy or interesting. I guess the Cowboys game was sort of interesting, but not really. the I mean the Lions game wasn't interesting it was fun for about a half it wasn't the most exciting day of football but let's take a look at it let's break these things down what did we learn this weekend all that jazz and it is coming up we will do that after these words all right so again looking at some of these games really the most exciting thing for me was watching philip rivers old fat ass playing football tell me you didn't enjoy that Like, there was something about it. You know what? When you hear about, like, when, like, young black kids get inspiration to do things they normally wouldn't do because they see someone who looks like them, right?

Like, Tiger Woods gave young black kids hope that they could play golf, right? Like, that was the big story. It was like, well, it's good to have, and I'm trying to remember the word that would be used all the side. But representation, that's the word. Well, you know, we feel like we have representation now because, you know, tigers out and he's the most dominant golfer on the planet and he's a black guy that's the most dominant golfer on the planet. And I feel like we're represented now, you know?

It's sort of like, you know, when, I mean, you hear it all the time. It's never a thing that white people usually say, like white dudes are not like, hey, we've got representation in the NBA. Like, that's not a white dude thing. It's more of a black dude or Hispanic dude thing. Like, we've got two Hispanic dudes that are vying for the Heisman trophy, right? Like, there's representation that you don't normally get, right? it, so it's a big deal. You don't normally get 40-something-year-old, middle-aged fat dudes

playing quarterback. A dude in the NFL that looks like Jared Lorenzen, when Jared Lorenzen was slinging it in like some indoor football league 10, 15 years ago, right? Like, you don't get that very often. That is why watching Phil play football yesterday was one of the truly great joys of my life. And don't come at me. Don't come at me with, oh, look of the white guy, wants to, you know, is happy about seeing a white guy. Yeah, I am. As a matter of fact, I fucking am. If it were a black guy that was a fat black guy out there doing it, I would do it. If instead of, you know, being Phil Rivers that were Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince playing quarterback, you bet your balls I'd be out there for it. I'd be all about that life. I enjoy

watching fat, overweight. Like, did you watch Phil throwing the ball? Like, like, like, like, I know that he's always kind of had that weird kind of havesy delivery that's kind of, like, bless his heart. My God, the dude had no zip on it at all. And then when he threw the one touchdown, he threw, hey, let me ask you this. Who threw a touchdown in the game? Who actually scored a touchdown in the game? Philip Rivers and his team actually scored a touchdown versus six field goals for Seattle. To me, that should be a win.

If the other team scores more touchdowns than you, you should just win the game or get a point. but watching Phil out there slinging the hog around as much as he could. I know he only threw for 120 yards. Who cares? I was all for it. I enjoyed watching Phil. And I took Phil and Darnal to combine to each throw for 10 yards in each quarter. Like normally the number is 15 and some games it'll get up to 25, 30 yards a quarter for each quarterback.

In the Philip Rivers battle, it was 10 yards apiece for each of these guys. and it hit pretty easily. So that was easy money, baby. But, oh, God, I enjoyed watching Phil. You know, we've talked about that representation. There's good conversation to be had about representation, representation, right? Like whenever that Wisconsin team went to the final four that had just all white serial killer-looking dudes and we're like, you know what, that's cool.

Like, hello, Kaminsky. Like, this is a big moment for us to get white serial killer-looking motherfuckers in the final four. Because at the end of the day, you don't normally get. get that. Or like when Butler went to the National Championship game with Gordon Hayward, you're like weird, floppy-haired white serial killer-looking doofus as being out there hooping. You know what? We don't get that very often. And you know what you really don't get when you watch professional sports? Middle-aged fat white dudes. Now, you'll get like middle-aged Tom Brady, who's like, you know, in a hyperbaric chamber and drinking like elixirs and potions that have him aging in reverse. Like, you'll get that type of shit. But we'll get, What you don't normally get are fat white dudes out their ball. Think of them. Go ahead. Non-linemen, by the way.

They cannot be linemen. They have to be dudes that play in a sport, and it can't be like bowling. Or like golf. You can't say like, well, what about John Daly? Golf doesn't count. And an actual sport that requires some physical ability. Find me a time where a fat white, I guess pitchers. I guess pitchers would be the ultimate example.

Like you'll get some middle-aged fat pitchers like Bartolo Cologne. but he's Hispanic. Who was the last fat, middle-aged white pitcher man that went out? Well, they're younger dudes. Now, I've got the dude's name, but there was a dude who was called up by the Tigers this year, and I forgot his name, but he was a fat dude, but he wasn't middle-aged. He was in his early 20s. That doesn't count.

Who was the last fat, middle-aged white pitcher? Who was the last one? We had, well, I mean, there's Boomer Wells, but Wells wasn't middle-aged, right? How old was Boomer Wells? Let's say, Boomer Wells. Let's see how old David Wells was the last time he pitched. The last time David Wells pitched was in 2007. He was born in, so what was he, was he in his early 40s?

How old was he when he pitched last? So if he was born in 63, that means he would, I guess David Wells would have been the last great hero we had. Boomer Wells. He retired in 2007. So if he retired in 2007 and he was born. born in 1963. Was he 44? Was he the last great hero to fat white middle-aged dudes? Yep, he was 44. The last time Boomer Wells pitched in 2007 for the Dodgers, he started seven games,

by the way. What was his ERA? His ERA was five. Still, starting seven games in the bigs, 44 years of age, fat middle-aged guy. Not talking about like, you know, what's his name, like Jamie Moore. Jamie Moore doesn't count. was like gangly and kind of like twig-like like I'm talking obese guys who on the body mass index would be considered obese I guarantee you Philip Rivers now maybe it was the pads or whatever I guarantee you Philip Rivers if he went to the doctor today like when he did his physical when he went in for his physical I guarantee Philip Rivers on the BMI is considered obese actually let me see what was his listed weight and height let's see Philip Rivers weight and

height as it's listed right now. Okay, that's when he played. Six, five, two, twenty-eight. There is no way that's the case. What is Philip Rivers listed at today? Okay, what is his playing weight? Let's see. Tell me his plane weight. His height's not going to change.

I need to know his plane weight. Let's see, he didn't answer the question, but like, let's say he's 250. Like, old buddy's got, if he's six, five, and he's carrying that much weight, the dude's got to be 240, 250, right? So let's just say that Philip Rivers is 6 foot 5, 250.

All right, that's being generous. Because he's probably not actually 6 foot 5. He's probably closer to 6 foot 4. But let's just say that he's 6 feet and then 5 inches and his weight is 250. His BMI is overweight. His BMI is 29.6. He's four decimal points away from being obese. that's where he stands right now because a healthy BMI, which is bullshit,

you know how I feel about the BMI, it's a farce. But Philip Rivers BMI, 18.5 to 24.9 is healthy. His is 29.6 if he has 6 foot 5, 250 pounds. And if you want me to believe that his playing weight back in the day was 228, you want to tell me he hasn't gained 20-ish pounds? Come on. And I think he weighs more. There was a play in that game where Rivers drops back to,

pass and literally his feet just went out from under him under the weight of his own fat my man drops back to pass gets on his plant foot slips because he's too fucking fat then he got up and tried to run and it was awesome i need more philip rivers so his bMI is overweight now mine's going to be a little bit different right because i'm like what is that mine is going to be much different. My BMI is 36.2. So I'm overweight. But think about this. Here's another thing that makes the BMI a farce, by the way. So me and Philip Rivers are both in the same category of the BMI. Tell me that makes sense. There's no like super severely obese. There's no like you're going to fucking die. I'm 36.2. He's basically 30. And then we're both in the same category. That is dumb.

But man, it was a joy. I couldn't turn it off. There were other games that were probably more compelling on at the time, right? Like the lions, the lions and Rams were in a shootout in the first half before the lions got waxed in the second half. I could not turn off Philip Rivers playing quarterback to watch Jared Gough versus Matt Stafford. I couldn't do it because I'm addicted to this. I could not get enough a fat fill.

And I say that is a term of endearment, by the way. I'm not judging him. I'm saying that as someone who now idolizes this man because we don't get a ton of white dude fat athletes in legit positions, not golfers, not bowlers, not bill fucking dance or something like that that's casting a line in the water or a NASCAR driver or something. I'm talking about legit main players and big positions on the field. We don't get that very often. We get white guys that can do it.

We don't get fat white guys that can do it. We can get fat guys. We can get white guys. You very rarely get fat white guy. Baseball is your best bet. We don't count offensive linemen. Offensive linemen are not going to be counted. They're meant to be fat and white.

That's what they do. I'm talking fat, white dudes in important positions. Quarterback. Bopping home runs, Babe Ruth style. We don't get these kind of guys. And middle-aged. I'm 39. I'm damn near middle-aged at this point.

So I'm damn near middle-aged. And we got a dude that's out here at 44. I don't care that they only threw for 120 yards. He's a hero. They should make Disney fucking movies about Philip Rivers. There should be a whole Disney movie. It should be like the rookie, that Dennis Quaid movie, but about Philip Rivers coming back and accomplishing something.

The man went out and accomplished something, and we should respect that and admire the fact that Philip Rivers got his fat ass off the couch and went out there and should have won the damn game if his defense could make a stop, which his defense couldn't do in crunch time. Phil got him down the field and got on the field goal to take the lead. And that's all that mattered.

And then the defense couldn't hold it. I say all these people, why didn't he call Cam Newton? Because Cam Newton's not fat. If Cam Newton were fat, maybe they would have called him. But let us have this. All we ever hear about is there's not enough representation here. There's not enough for... No, let us have this, you sons of bitches.

This is ours. And stop trying to turn it into a racial thing and that it's racist and bigoted. And why didn't they call this guy? Why didn't they call Kaepernick? Kaepernick can shove it up his ass. This is Philip Rivers time. because Philip Rivers is a hero to all of us fatty, middle-aged white guys. He went out there and said, I can do it.

And you know what, if Philip Rivers can do it, I can do it. I might go out there in the snow today and say I'd throw a couple passes to see what I got in me. Way to go, Phil. You're a hero to all of us. Thank you, fatty.