The Lazy Genius Podcast - #118 - The Enneagram Part Two: How to Make Sense of Yourself

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

Let’s talk a bit more about the Enneagram. The Enneagram has its own language in many ways. And if you aren’t familiar with the concepts, it all sounds like gibberish. In today’s episode, I go through a few of the main concepts of the Enneagram and give them some context in how they can help you make sense of yourself. Helpful Links and Resources Join the Lazy Genius VIP list to be the first to know about super secret announcements and monthly book and podcast recommendations. If you haven’t yet listened to The Truth About Your Enneagram Number, I highly recommend that you stop what you’re doing and go listen to it first. It will make this episode make so much more sense. The Enneagram Institute is hands-down the best resource on the Internet about the enneagram. If you don’t know your type, start by reading the type descriptions on this website to begin ruling out what type you aren’t.  This episode of The Liturgists podcast is a few years old, but you guys, it’s so good. The hosts talk to Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile, the authors of The Road Back to You. Speaking of The Road Back to You, that is the best place to get your feet wet if you want to start reading a book about it. If you’ve finished The Road Back to You, and you’re looking for more personal growth, I’d recommend The Sacred Enneagram by Chris Heuertz. It is my personal favorite of the bunch. And if you’re wanting more of a textbook experience, check out The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut. If you’re on Instagram, I’d love for you to join me for an Instagram LIVE on Friday around noon EST. It’s usually Thursdays around 12:15 p.m., but it’s still summer and we’ve got a pool date on the books. Download a transcript of this episode.  This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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You're listening to The Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 118. It's part two and are talking about the enneagram. How to make sense of yourself. If you haven't yet listened to part one, that's just a couple of episodes earlier, episode 114, the truth about your enneagram number. Even if you already know your number, that episode is required listening before getting into this one. The gist of that first episode is that the enigram is about motivation, not behavior. We get stuck on our behaviors being the clue into what number we most identify with, but our behaviors often change and multiple numbers can share the same behaviors.

The key is motivation. Why do you do what you do? What lens do you use to see the world? So go back and listen to that episode if you haven't already, or you can listen to it again if you listen to it when it came out a couple months ago, but need a refresher. In this episode, I want to share some of the other aspects of the Enneagram and put them in a context of making sense of yourself. Self-awareness is one of the most powerful things in becoming better humans. And I think some of the tools of the Enneagram are fantastic and drawing us into a deeper self-awareness. Before we do that, though, before we get into that,

I want to give you a quick reminder to join the Lacey Genius VIP list, mostly because I'm making a big announcement to that list next week, and I don't want you to miss it. The next latest Lazy Letter is coming out in two more weeks. I will never stop being humbled by your emails in response to that lazy letter saying it's your favorite email you get. I always get a ton of feedback about the book reviews I share. So if you're a reader and a lazy genius,

I think you'll find some great gems in those latest lazy letters. And then all the fun news. First word news, man. So click on the link in the show notes, or you go to the lazy genius collective.com slash join, and you can get on that the IP list. All right, let's talk about the Enigram again. The Enneagram has its own language in many ways.

You'll hear folks talk about the numbers and arrows and wings. And if you aren't familiar with those concepts, it all sounds a little bit insane. I'm going to go through a couple of the main concepts of the Enigram and give them some context and how they help you make sense of yourself. Remember, personality in so many ways is a construct. It's something we created as kids to keep us safe in the world. Now, of course, we all have natural personalities. I'm not saying everything about you as fake.

But before self-awareness, our motivation to do what we do is almost always rooted in survival, in feeling okay in the room and in the world. I said this in the first episode, but one of the ways you usually know you've hit the number that you most identify with is that you feel really gross about it. It's like your insides are opened up because you didn't know you were so motivated by image or being loved by others or staying far away from hard things. the beauty of the Enneagram is that it helps us all live in less bondage to those motivations. And a few of these concepts dig into that a little bit deeper.

Okay, so first, the actual numbers. There are nine numbers, and therefore nine main motivations for moving through the world. We all probably resonate with more than one number because we're humans and not robots, but we all likely have one singular motivation that steers the ship most of the time, if not all the time. It's like our singular motivation. Each of the nine numbers represents a core fear and a core desire. I'll run through those in just a sec, but I think it's important to take a step back first.

The nine types are divided into three triads or centers, three groups of three, the feeling center, the thinking center, and the instinctive center. I heard an enneagram teacher once described them as cul-de-sacs, or coles-de-sac, even though that's the actual worst. each center is its own cul-de-sac. And if you're ever having trouble figuring out your number, sometimes it can be helpful to just narrow in on the center that you most resonate with. So I'm going to go through the nine types quickly,

but as they relate to their center. The first is the feeling center, and that includes types two, three, and four. The feeling center is characterized by an overall emotional driver of shame. And each of those three types within the feeling center approach shame in different ways. ways. Twos deal with their shame by trying to get everyone to like them and need them.

The main desire of a type two is to be loved, and their greatest fear is that they are unlovable. The shame takes deep root in that they themselves are not enough, so they have to help and do and care for others at the expense of themselves in order to deal with the shame of not being enough on their own. Super light, right? The next number in the feeling center is the three. Threes also have the primary emotional driver of shame,

but they repress it hard by being awesome. They seek to achieve and be impressive, so they don't have to confront their feelings of inadequacy. A three's core motivation is to feel valuable, and the core fear is that they're worthless. That's why many threes are some of the most successful people you'll ever meet. they don't want to give anyone a reason to think that they're not worthwhile. The final number in the Feeling Center is four.

Fours tend to deal with their shame by seeking to be different. Fours are often really creative and interesting people with worldviews and perspectives that you don't often hear. They have a core desire to be significant and have a deep fear that they have no real identity. Being just part of the crowd, it kind of taps into deep shame for Fores, because then they're just like everyone else. So fours might be outwardly unique individuals. And then what most of us don't see is they have a really elaborate inner life,

sometimes an inner fantasy life. They can create other scenarios and lives even that are more unique than their own reality. And that's how they kind of deal with their shame of feeling insignificant. Now, not every type within the feeling center is super emotional. And that's true of all the centers. Just because it's called the feeling center doesn't mean that they like, are always showing their feelings. There's also often one type in each center that represses that main emotional driver.

So for the feeling center is the three. Tues and fours, they generally move through the world with their feelings, and we will often see that. And then threes move through the world trying to keep their feelings down as much as possible. Okay, so let's look at the next center, the thinking center. This includes types five, six, and seven. The thinking center has the emotional driver of fear. and each of the three types approaches fear in different ways. Fives deal with their fear by retreating.

They want a ton of information to feel like they understand the world they're walking into, and if they don't know enough, they just stay put. Their deepest desire is to be competent, and then their greatest fear is being incompetent. So how can a five feel competent? Knowledge. They seek to know everything, and they don't want to move into the fearful world

until they feel like they are on solid ground. But since it's really impossible to know everything about anything, a five who isn't as self-aware, they will often stay hidden away. All right, the type six is a little tricky. We're going to get into subtypes in just a second. But within each of the nine types, there are three subtypes.

And the three six subtypes look the most different from each other than any of the other nine types. And that can make it hard to kind of fully identify as a six. We don't have time to dig into that super deeply today, but sixes in general are the most fearful number. They immediately go to like the worst case scenario. They seek after their greatest desire of safety and security by looking outside of themselves for confidence. And I think this is key. Sixes have a core fear of not having enough guidance. And they often

don't recognize that they have guidance within themselves and they're too afraid to trust themselves. So they trust anything and everything else until that thing lets them down and then they're out. If they can't trust you once, sixes, they're less self-aware and don't see that lens of mistrust as a construct and something that they can indeed move past, they are less, they're not going to trust you again. If you screw with a six one time, it's over, unless they're self-aware, which is the hope for all of us. The final type in the thinking center is the seven. sevens don't seem afraid of anything in a lot of ways because they're usually so positive and optimistic. And that's actually how they cope with fear. Sevens are always looking at the next fun thing

so they don't have to confront the hard thing in front of them. They're super fun people. And since their deepest desire is to be content, it's hard to imagine being content with fear being a natural part of life. A seven's deepest fear is pain. So of course they're afraid of dealing with hard emotions and situations. sevens are the friends who say, it'll be okay, let's go see a movie, like if something bad is happening. And that is sometimes the kind of friend we need, for sure. But it's a lot for a seven to carry to push down the fear of negative emotions, especially when life might be like tangibly difficult, like really hard experiences. So sevens who aren't self-aware and understanding of this, this lens of motivation that they look through, they might find it super hard to cope when hard

things show up. Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Okay, the final center is the instinctive center, and that includes types 8, 9, and 1. Now, you might notice, before I get into those three types, I have not used any of the descriptors of the numbers. I'm just using the actual numbers, because in a lot of the enneagram literature, the different numbers are described as something.

Like, the two is often described as a helper. The 7 is often described as the enthusiast. But I personally don't really love those labels because I feel like they're too labely. and they can pigeonhole a person really quickly, whereas a number can't really do that. And so that's why I'm only using the numbers and not the labels. Okay, so in terms of the instinctive center, that includes eight, nine, and one.

The emotional driver of the center is anger. And each type deals with anger in different ways. Aits have no trouble acting on their anger. It is on the surface. It's not scary. So, like, eights aren't scared of their anger. so they're not afraid to be loud and mad and say exactly what they think. An eight's deepest desire is to be in control because the deepest fear is being controlled or harmed by someone else.

When anger shows up in an eight, they're not about to let it just sit beneath the surface and then have their silence taken advantage of. They're in control of their own self and their space in a room and they do it without fear. And all of this is if an eight isn't super self-wif. Self-aware aides are some of the best advocates and most loyal friends you will ever, ever, ever encounter. Nines, they deal with their anger by repressing it. I said that there's one number in each of those centers that is repressing that thing. And for this one, it's nines. Their deepest desire is inner peace.

So sharing their anger, or even worse, showing their anger, puts them at risk of their deepest fear, which is being, separated from or just completely losing a relationship. Nothing is worth messing up an existing relationship, even if it means not being honest about how they feel. That's how a nine sees things. And finally, ones. Ones deal with the emotional driver of anger by trying to control it. Their deepest desire is to be fully balanced and seen as good. Anger puts that in danger because a one's greatest fear is to be seen as evil or defective or not enough. It's very nuanced, but nines, they repress their anger because they don't want to rock the boat and risk messing up a relationship.

Ones repress their anger a little or try to control their anger because they don't want to be seen as an angry or volatile or rigid person. They don't want to be seen as anything that isn't good, and they don't see anger is good. so they keep their anger to themselves, and they channel it into being perfect to prove their goodness. Okay, so those are the three centers. Now, maybe one of those three emotional drivers, shame, fear, or anger really made a lot of sense to you. Maybe it put some context around how you see yourself and how you make the choices that you do. If it did, chances are you've narrowed down your type to one of three.

And if you already know your type, it's so important to see how that type sits within, it's center. It helps your way of being make sense. And it helps you be more compassionate for how someone else makes sense. I am a one married to and nine. And knowing that both of us have repressed anger is incredibly helpful. It makes our relationship make more sense. We, for the beginning of our marriage, oh my goodness, we don't really have big fights. Like hardly ever. For the first 15 years of our marriage, we've been married almost 17 years. For the first 15 years, I'm I thought that it was like such a badge of honor because we never fought. It made us good, which is important to me, right?

And we were still together, which made my nine husband very happy because the relationship was technically at peace. But really, neither of us was very good at truly communicating how deeply we were feeling towards each other about certain things. My anger can calcify into resentment and his can calcify into complacency and just not caring anymore. Now on the outside, our lack of fighting might look really good, but our lack of authentic communication is not. Now see, now that we know these things about each other, I don't have to be afraid that he'll see me as a bad person by sharing how I feel. And he doesn't have to be

afraid that I'm going to leave him if he gets mad about something. Do you see how those lenses are, they're really just constructs, they're lies, really. If I make every decision out of a desire to be seen as good and perfect, I will be constantly exhausted. In fact, I lived most of my life that way. Everything I did was in pursuit of being good enough and not giving anyone, any reason ever to think badly about me. It's just no way to live. That's why self-awareness is incredibly powerful, because now I see that narrative within myself, and I can call it out for being unkind, for being a lie. Now, hopefully some of this language around the centers, it can offer you the same beginning of self-awareness, if something resonates with you, just like let it sit and pay attention.

There are so many other parts to the Enneagram language that we just don't have time to get into today. I think we're just going to have to do a part three. Like I said, I mean, there are whole podcasts like shows about the Enigram that have hundreds of episodes. So it's hard to run out of stuff to talk about. But I want to finish out this episode by talking about the subtypes a little. I'm not going to go into all of them because this episode is almost over. But each of the nine types is divided into three subtypes, which really means there are 27 enneagram types.

I'm not going to name all 27, obviously. But seeing how each is formed, it might help give you some clarity in making sense of yourself. Each type has three subtypes categorized by these three instincts. Self-preservation, social interaction, and sexual bonding.

So there is a self-preservation for, a social for, and a sexual for. And then that is true of every number. Okay. So if the emotional centers, if the feeling, thinking, and instinctual centers didn't give you as full a picture as you wanted and making sense of yourself, perhaps these three instincts will. The way these three instincts can be helpful, other than giving you just even more awareness and language about how you personally see the world, is if you're struggling to find your type. It might be that you deeply resonate with one of these instincts, this self-preservation, social or sexual.

And then you can read about that instinctual subtype within all the nine types to help you further identify your number. It's just kind of like homing in on more specificity for each number. Because in several of the numbers, it's interesting, like the six especially, like I said, the three subtypes, they look really different from each other. So these instincts could be helpful in narrowing down what motivates you. Okay, so the first instinct is self-preservation. And each of the nine types has a self-preservation subtype.

It sounds like what it is. The instinct is to preserve self. At its deepest root, it's about survival and security with your stuff, not necessarily with your relationships. Folks who are led by a self-preservation instinct are primarily interested in having enough resources and having structure, and they want to stay away from danger. When that instinct connects with a type's basic desire, it creates that nuanced version of that number or that subtype of that person, right? We're all individual people. The second instinct

that exists in all nine numbers is social interaction. This subtype is often listed as just the word social, followed by the number. So like a social three, a social. 7. The social instinct also sounds like what it is. A focus on relationships and belonging. From a basic instinctual, like animal instinctual perspective, you can think about it through the lens of like a herd mentality. What's the best thing I can do to get along with the herd? The third instinct is sexual bonding. Now, this is the instinct that doesn't necessarily sound like what it is because it really doesn't have to do a lot with sex as the main thing. It's more about intimacy and one-to-one connection.

Having quality connections with the people that matter on a one-on-one basis is the primary drive. All right, so here's the thing. We all have all three instincts. It's just that we have one that's dominant. But that's the basic understanding of the subtypes. Maybe you feel really drawn to one particular instinct. Okay? Maybe you feel like, oh, I'm very much a.

driven by sexual bonding by one-on-one connection. Like that's a big deal for me. And so what you can do is start reading about all of the numbers that you're thinking, like, I might be this, I might be that. Maybe you can read about the sexual subtypes of those couple of numbers to help maybe give some more detail. If you don't feel particularly drawn to one instinct, maybe you can just start paying attention to how all three instincts show up in your life.

And if one is more obvious than the other two. knowing that it can be just incredibly helpful in your own self-awareness. It's like a light bulb goes off in your head about yourself. It's like, oh, that makes sense with who I am and how I live and what I choose. And then you can start to recognize that you don't have to live that way if it's harmful to you. You can move beyond that animal instinct of self-preservation and recognize that you're not always in danger. You don't always need to protect yourself. Vulnerability is good and beautiful, and it draws us closer to each other. It's just really, really helpful to see that those lenses don't have to stay that way. Okay, I've talked enough, I think.

We will do part three eventually, but today I think, just think about the emotional centers, the feeling, thinking, and instinct, and think about how those show up in your life, especially if you're still not sure what your Enneagram number type is. You're dominant in one of those. We all feel, we all think we all have gut instincts, but you are dominant in one of those, just like you're dominant in one of those animal instincts. So pay attention to how those flesh out in your life. And then naming those as kind of like your mode of operation of how you move into the world, right?

It can just really, really help you make sense of yourself. And a deeper awareness of self makes us more compassionate to ourselves and to others, which is the whole point of the anagram. I hope this episode has helped. If you have any questions, which I'm guessing you super do, I will be live on Instagram this week. Usually it's Thursday around 1215 Eastern, but as I have said, summertime schedules are different. So this week, it is Friday around noon. We already have a date with a pool on Thursday. So we will hang out on Friday at noon. So follow me on Instagram at the

lazy genius to join that conversation. Thank you so much for listening, guys. Until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next time. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life? Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough.

Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.