The Lazy Genius Podcast - #125 - The Lazy Genius Asks for Help

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

Sometimes asking for help is the hardest thing to do, but you’re allowed to ask for help, no matter the circumstance. It’s good, in fact, to ask for help. And today, we’re talking about the ways to do it – the different kinds of therapy and different reasons why or why not you might pursue them. Plus, I talk about how to be a good friend to someone else who needs help. It’s a heavy topic, but one that I want to join in the flow of normalizing it. Links You May Find Helpful If you’ve thought about joining Hope*Writers before, now is your chance! The doors open Tuesday, October 1 through Friday, October 4. Take the quiz to see where you are on the writing journey, and they’ll send you a notification when the doors open. My friend, Laura Tremaine, hosts the 10 Things To Tell You podcast and normalizes therapy and mental health struggles in her Internet space. Check out her Instagram highlights or listen to her podcast. I suggest starting with the episode called 10 Thoughts on Anxiety. Lazy Genius mascot and all-around beloved person Emily P. Freeman talks about how to be a good listener on her podcast The Next Right Thing in episode 94 called Ask the Second Question. The Liturgists podcast recently released a series of episodes on the Enneagram, specifically about the instinctual postures and the 27 subtypes. If that makes no sense to you but you’re interested in learning about the Enneagram, I have two episodes about it: The Truth About Your Enneagram Number and How to Make Sense of Yourself. The National Institute of Mental Health has a comprehensive overview of crisis hotlines and how to get started in finding a mental health provider in your area on their website. Download a transcript of this episode. October 3, 2019 Update: Some Lazy Genius listeners chimed in with some thoughtful commentary on terms and distinctions not included in this episode. I’ve listed them below: “In California, my official title is Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. In my state, all therapists have to have a minimum of a master's degree plus supervised 3000 intern hours in order to be eligible for Licensure. I know all states have different titles for various offerings of mental health professions. The description you gave of counselors in the episode is what my training was, but we are known as therapists where I live. I thought it might be helpful for your audience to know that the area they live in may use different titles as they explore their options.” “Psychiatrists have a MD, not a PhD (although of course, some may have PhDs in another field). They go through medical school and a psychiatric residency.” “I am a clinical social worker, and beyond...    This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. there. You're listening to The Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today's episode 125, The Lazy Genius asks for help. This episode is all about seeking help for a variety of reasons and in a variety of ways. We will mostly talk about the different kinds of therapy and different reasons why or why not. You might pursue them. We'll also just talk a little bit about how to be a good friend to someone else who needs help. It's a heavy topic, but also one that I want to join in the flow of normalizing. I've been in counseling for several years now, and we'll share my process of that as well.

I hope that by the end of this episode, you'll feel encouraged in your knowledge of different ways to ask for help and might have more of a language of how to do it. Before we get into that, I want to tell you about a way I ask for help with my work and an opportunity for you if you'd like the same. I joined Hope Writers a couple of years ago, and it has been an incredibly helpful tool in my work as a writer and a content creator. Hope Writers is an online community for smart, creative writers, helping you get your words out of your head and into the hands of your reader, all without feeling lost, discouraged, or overwhelmed. I've been writing on the internet off and on for almost a decade, and I remember the early years feeling like I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know how to make people care, and I didn't have the tools to manage all of the self-doubt and kind of the inner grossness that sometimes made me want to just quit.

Not to mention, knowing how to improve the craft of writing, how to sell something, how to become a published author. There was so much I didn't know, and then so much I didn't know that I didn't know. If you feel that same wondering and wandering, Hope Writers, is your answer. It is such a beautiful community of writers who want to write words that matter without feeling like a robot or that they're going crazy. I've been a member since it started and I have benefited so much. It helped me write my book proposal, which turned into a book deal.

It helped me refine my writing voice, create writing rhythms, figure out how to approach Instagram. There's just no other resource like it on the internet. My personal favorite part is the video library of Tuesday teachers. every single Tuesday. One of the Hope Writer co-founders, usually my beloved Emily P. Freeman, interviews someone from the writing life,

authors, bloggers, publishers, editors, agents, marketers, book launch experts. It's stupid, actually, how rich those teachings are alone, on their own. I've learned so much from them. Hope Writers is open to members only three times a year, and this week is one of those times.

You can join Hope Writers starting tomorrow, Tuesday, October 1st, through this Friday the 4th. I'll put a link in the show notes and you can explore all that Hope Writers has to offer. And if you're listening to this episode on the day it comes out on Monday, you can still click over and take the Hope Writer quiz to find out where you are on the writing path and you will get alerted when the doors open. I love Hope Writers. And if you're a writer, this is the best way to ask for help with that craft.

the link will be in the show notes. Okay, let's talk about asking for help. First thing, you don't have to be in a crisis to ask for help, even professional help. We tend to think that unless things are just falling apart, there's no reason to seek help. You don't need to tell your friend that you're randomly feeling sad for no apparent reason. That would bother her. wouldn't really do any good, you know. Or you hear people talk about going to counseling and you think that there's just no way your

problems are severe enough to merit that or that they're too severe to merit that. Or maybe you just think it's too expensive and you're going to be fine. There are lots of excuses and reasons we tell ourselves to not ask for help no matter the circumstance. So the first thing I want to say is that you're allowed to ask for help. It's good, in fact, to ask for help. We're not made to go through life alone. and sometimes we need to process our stuff with someone else, even if our stuff feels too big or too small to share.

You don't have to be in crisis to ask for help, especially since none of us are super good at seeing our circumstances through the right lens anyway. Second thing, asking for professional help, especially for your mental health, it doesn't need to make you feel like a failure or that you're crazy or any of the other stigmas that often go alongside therapy.

I am not the first person to say this, but treating mental health is only recently being normalized. The messages our parents got, and we get are often layered with some kind of suspicion for needing help, or that it's all just a crock, or that you should be able to figure something out on your own, or that you're making too big a deal out of something trivial. It's shameful, any number of things. We cannot eliminate those messages in one fell swoop, but I want to do my part in normalizing. asking for professional mental help. I cannot imagine the person I would be without counseling. And I still go. It's not like you go and fix a problem and you're done. Tending to our mental health

is a daily practice and having the occasional help from a professional to do that is such a lovely thing. It doesn't mean you're stupid or crazy or can't get your act together. It just means you're human. third thing there might be some confusion on the different kinds of mental health professionals and which kind you should see maybe those questions are actually keeping you from going to see someone because you just don't know where to begin i would love to help with that by giving you like the quickest rundown of the difference in mental health professionals i'm going to go from most education required to least education required but that does not mean the like quote unquote lowest professional is less competent in fact i think the one i'll mention last

is likely one of the most important for a lot of people. Okay, so at the top of the degree list is a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is actually a medical doctor with a PhD who can prescribe medication, diagnose conditions, and psychiatrists usually treat more complex mental health concerns like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. Next is a psychologist. A psychologist also has a PhD, but in psychiatry, usually, not in medicine, like a psychiatrist. So a psychologist isn't a medical doctor,

but still a doctor. A psychologist typically treats behavioral disorders and anxiety, and many psychologists do what's called talk therapy where they simply talk with the patient. It's probably a pretty familiar practice. Next is a counselor. Counselors have a master's degree in counseling, and that degree is often specialized in something. My husband is a school counselor, so he has a master's degree in school counseling. Others might be marriage and family counselors, abuse counselors, or specialize in things like disordered eating, that kind of thing. And in addition to the master's degree in counseling, in order for a counselor to be licensed, she has to do two years of supervised counseling work after grad school. You can't just graduate and open your own practice, but instead you have

to work under another licensed counselor for two years before you can have your own licensed to practice on your own. And two more. A therapist doesn't have to have an advanced degree, a master's or PhD, but is licensed. There are various ways to go about getting licensed in a specialty, but therapists are more about improving your life and improving your daily mental health. If you think about a life coach, a therapist would likely be the closest thing to that. My understanding of licensed therapists is also more about guiding you through like coping skills and habits as opposed to holding space to listen and just ask questions like say a counselor would. It's a little more action oriented. And the last one, speaking of holding space and asking questions,

is a spiritual director. You don't have to have a degree to be a spiritual director. It's not regulated like psychiatry or psychology are, but you definitely want to see a spiritual director who has gone through some type of training. A spiritual director is someone who helps you find how you're Regular life intersects with your spiritual life, maybe even helping you see how they are very much integrated more than you realize. It's someone who listens, who asks questions, and helps you find Jesus in your circumstances. There are likely spiritual directors for other spiritual spaces than just Jesus and Christianity, but since that's what I'm personally more familiar with, that's what I know. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city,

Street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. So based on what you're struggling with or the kind of help you're looking for, hopefully these distinctions will kind of help you know how to narrow your search, which leads me to how to find a mental health professional. So my friend Laura Tremaine, who hosts the podcast 10 Things to Tell You, is someone who has been normalizing therapy and mental health struggles in her internet space for a long time. And it's such a gift. She's so good at

it. If you go to her Instagram account, which I'll link to in the show notes, but it's at laura.tremaine, you'll find a highlight labeled anxiety. A few clicks into that highlight. She shares so much insight and feedback from others on how to find help, who to ask, what some stumbling blocks might be in asking. It is so rich and helpful content. She also has an episode of 10 Things to Tell You called 10 Thoughts on Anxiety, which was so well done, and I'll put that in the show notes. In terms of finding a mental health professional, I can honestly only speak about my own experience and the experiences of the people I've talked to in real life. That's all I know. I have been seeing the same counselor off and on for probably close to 10 years now.

A few years after I got married and started becoming a grown-up, I saw how much stress I was carrying, how much my childhood trauma was affecting my daily life, and how I just wanted to be happier and more content. So I knew I wanted to start seeing someone, but I wasn't sure who. The reason I chose to see the man I see now is because both my mom and my sister see him. him. There was something about not having to like lay out all my history that was comforting. He knows more than anyone does because he knows all of our individual stories. I just really liked the idea of dealing with my past with someone who has like more information who's already

kind of informed than a stranger might be. Now for some people that might be the actual worst. You don't want to see someone that sees other people you know. That's a personal decision. But that is how I made mine. There are a few counselors in my area that come up often in conversation with friends. So a lot of folks see similar people. We see the same people. I'm also friends with several licensed counselors. And again, I'm actually married to one, married to a school counselor. I know a lot of counselors. But the beauty of that and the beauty that we all kind of like know who's seeing who is that it's not secretive. It's not shameful. Tending to your mental health is such a lovely thing. So knowing who my friends see and them knowing who I see and like talking about it casually like that,

it doesn't bother me. In fact, it continues to normalize something that it once felt a little bit icky. Most people I know who see various mental health professionals started based on the recommendation of someone else. So ask your friends and family or whoever you feel safe to talk about it with who they see or who they've heard about that made a difference in someone else's life. There's also the question of money. And it. if paying someone $75 or $125 is worth just talking about your problems, I have never met anyone who has a desire to heal and learn and grow and who has gone to a reputable, recommended counselor or mental health professional and didn't think it was worth it ever. Everyone I know who has sought

help for their mental health sees it as essential. Because in my opinion, it is. Now, I know that finances are a thing, I'm not about to tell you how to spend your money, but I encourage you to work through any issues you have with money and pursuing your own mental health. You are worth the money spent on a few counseling sessions. Okay, to give you context on how often you could go, I'll just tell you my own experience. I went for several months, like right away,

every two to four weeks while I was working through some difficult things. Then my counselor, after a few months, my counselor legitimately said, all right, I think we've done the work here. you're good. You can keep coming back as often as you like. But as far as the regular work on this particular thing, we're done. We don't need to meet as often. And we were. We were done with that thing. Now other things come up. For a while, I would make an appointment with him like when a new thing would come up and I'd go see him three or four times over as many months to kind of work through it.

Now I do try and see him at least once a quarter just for like upkeep. That's the rhythm now. it's never been a waste ever to unpack all my stuff with someone who is a professional, who knows my patterns and my history so very well that has little personal stake in it. He is unbiased and professional and he can stay separate from what's going on with me in a way that's helpful for me to process the truth of what's actually going on in my life. Now that's mostly a look into my own experience with mental health, but I'll put some resources in the show notes for you to dig a little deeper. I also want to mention one other other thing before we go, and that is asking for help from people

in your regular life. I struggle with this a lot, but you're allowed to ask for help from your friends. You can reach out and say, I'm feeling some type of way today, and I just don't want to be alone in it. Or you can ask a friend to watch your kids while you go for a walk or take a nap or do whatever you need to do to feel like a person. You don't have to do everything. Ask for help with your daily tasks and regular life stuff. And just with the companionship of being a person, it is important and good. And it's a gift to your people for you to let them in. Emily P. Freeman had a recent podcast episode on The Next Right Thing called Ask the Second

Question. It is required listening. If you want to be a friend who listens well when someone asks you for help, especially the like I just need to process my feelings kind of help. I'll put a link to that in the show notes too. Obviously there's no way to talk about all the things we could talk about in this area. But without the Enneagram and counseling, I would not be the person I am today. It's been a vital, vital part of my personal development and healing and mental health. And I want you to give yourself permission to ask for help in this area too. It is worth it. I promise. Again,

I'll have some resources in the show notes. But I also want to quickly mention, since I just mentioned the Enneagram, I do have a couple of episodes on the Enneagram that are great places to begin, thinking about your own personality and how you see the world. But more importantly, there are three new episodes of the Liturgist podcast, all about the aneagram, specifically the instinctual postures and the 27 subtypes. Now, all those words that I just said make no sense. It's fine.

There are starter. I'll put some starter links in the show notes. But if you're familiar enough with the Enneagram, this three-part series is a long, it's like four and a half hours of content. It's incredibly helpful and insightful. It's a conversation between Science Mike, who is one of the hosts of the liturgist podcast, and Annie Diamond, who is an enneagram teacher, and she's currently getting her PhD in practical theology.

It is the best conversation on the Eniogram I've ever heard. So I wanted to mention it here, especially since it's been such a huge part of my growth alongside counseling. Again, all of this will be linked up in the show notes, as well as the link for Hope Writers' enrollment if you're interested in that. That's all for today, friends. Thank you so much for listening, and I want to invite you to think about this more over the next few days and reach out to someone that you know and ask for help as you think about it. Be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life?

It's so dangerous to live that more dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.