The Lazy Genius Podcast - #144 - How to Lazy Genius a Girls Night

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Today, we’re diving into the logistics of building community — specifically in our female friendships. We all want to get together with friends and do fun things, have traditions and all of that. So this episode is important in its simplicity because friendship matters. Helpful Companion Links There’s a friendly space for Lazy Geniuses here on the Internet in the form of a private Facebook group. Join us and get help or give help in being a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don’t. I quote Priya Parker’s The Art of Gathering multiple times in this episode. It’s a favorite. Join me over on Instagram Thursday where I’ll go LIVE around noon EST to answer any questions you have in real-time. If you miss a LIVE, most of them are cataloged on my IGTV. Download a transcript of this episode. This post contains affiliate links. That means if you click on a link to a product and follow through with a purchase, I may earn a small commission at no cost to you. This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi there. You're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I am here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 144. How to Lazy Genius a Girl's Night. This might feel like basic stuff. I mean like just go out with your friends, right? The truth is I get so much communication from all of you over email and Instagram about how you long for community. You want to get together with friends and do fun things, have traditions, go on, trips, all of that. So this episode is important in its simplicity because friendship matters, especially friendship together as women. So that's what we're going to talk about today. Before we jump in, and speaking of friendship and community, did you guys know that there is a lazy genius Facebook group? I know that a lot of people have a certain allergy to Facebook and others love it and both ways are great. But one of the agreed upon benefits of Facebook is the ability to connect with people you normally wouldn't like strangers like people who listen to the same podcast for example here's the thing um this is a facebook group and the group is lovely every person who joins the group wants to be a lazy genius everyone

is working from the same like starting place of caring about the right things and letting go of everything else people ask questions in that group all the time and i have never seen um like any post or like a question and asking for a recommendation, asking for help about something that didn't get a response like ever. And bonus, like the responses are really thoughtful and helpful and kind. It's just a friendly, helpful place to be to ask your questions, to not feel weird. Somebody recently asked about how to lazy genius and outside cat. And there were ideas. Everything counts because it's your life. And sometimes we need help figuring out how to live it. So if you have ever wanted to process an episode or ask a question about how to lazy genius something, try the Facebook group.

I think you'll find it super, super helpful. Someone recently posted in the group, so much, so much laundry to do, and I don't want to do it. What motivates you guys? And someone else responded, seeing my family naked. And it made me laugh so hard. So it's funny and helpful. There is a link in the show notes and you can request access to the group. that's the other thing about it. It is technically a private group. So only people who are in the group can see what you're posting. So if you're struggling with something or feel a little weird talking about something that people in your regular Facebook life might not be as game for, you don't have to worry about that in this group. It's private and contained and lazy geniuses only. And I don't mean for that to sound mean. The members asked early on if we could make it private for that reason. And we did.

So feel free to join. You have to request. because it is a private group. But my assistant Leah is like ready and waiting to grant you access. So feel free to join if you're interested. Again, the link is in the show notes. Okay. Let's Lazy Genius of Girls Night. Again, you might think this is kind of dumb. Do you really need perspective on this? But I would like to posit that if you are engaging in like regular times of gathering with the women in your life, um, and it's fulfilling and it keeps happening, then you are actually naturally doing what I'm about to lay out. So yeah, you're ahead of the game. Like if it's working, great. But it's not working because

it's like easy or just because like you're doing something and setting it up. You and your friends are already approaching your time together with intentionality. I don't think it would work otherwise. Maybe you named it a long time ago. Maybe you never had to because you were all on the same page so quickly. But the same page exists. So if you are looking for a girl's night, like thoughts on that and you're wanting to have those types of gatherings in your life more often, we need to create like your page so that everyone can be on the same page. You might already have that existing in your group of friends and that's okay. But you really are probably doing a lot of things we're going to talk about. So the first question to ask is what we always ask when we want a lazy genius something.

What matters? What matters most about having this girl's night? And side note, I realize that the term girls night might not land with you as much, especially if like what you're wanting and how you already interpret that phrase are like in conflict. But it's what we're using because it's already in our vocabulary. And your head, call it whatever you want. But I'm putting this entire idea under the umbrella of girls night just to make it easier. Okay. So what matters about your girls night? You need to say words about this or even better like a word about this. What actually matters. because here are some options. And I'd like for you to notice how some of these options might be in conflict just a little bit with each other. Conversation. Laughter. Deepening connections.

Experiences. The regularity of meeting. Longer stretches of time to be together. Do you see what I mean? Obviously, you'd like for all of these to be part of your relationships with your friends. But when you're thinking about a particular gathering, like the very next girl's night or the very first girls night, that you want to have, you need to think about what matters, what singular purpose. Really, try and name one. I know that's hard. Other relevant ones will come along for the ride if they make sense, but name the one thing that matters most about this particular gathering. Next question. What choices will contribute to that purpose? You'll also start to see what choices get in the way of that purpose. if what matters most is a space for vulnerable conversation.

Doing that in the middle of a tapas restaurant on a Friday is probably not going to work. If you're wanting to deepen friendships with a handful of women that you know because you're all school moms together, inviting your neighbor that no one else knows, it might not really do that. I'm not saying like don't invite new people to things, but recognize that if you include people who don't fit the purpose, your girls' night isn't going to do what you hope it will. one of my favorite books, not just on gathering, but like ever, is called the art of gathering by Priya Parker.

And in her book, she calls this the kindness of exclusion. It feels mean for us to not include everyone in everything we do. But in fact, purposeful gatherings, a girl's night that's centered around what matters most, it doesn't include everyone. And that must be true in order for the purpose to happen. Pria Parker says this. thoughtful exclusion can help with the important task of communicating to guests what a gathering is. I think we've all been at parties or like dinners or baby showers or some kind of gathering where if one person wasn't there, it would feel completely different. It would have a different energy and a different purpose would surface. I've been that person before. I've been the one person in the room where I'm like, you know, if I weren't here, I think this would go better. And I don't mean that

in some kind of like martyrdom way. Group dynamics are a real thing and different gatherings have different purposes and therefore need different people involved. We just talked a lot about people, but the question we're answering right now really is a bit broader. And that is what choices contribute to your purpose? That can be people that can be other things or what choices will make it much harder for that purpose to happen. So once you jot down a few ideas about that, then you're at your next step, which is to now like name the who, the what, the what, and the where. When comes last. We often start with the when, like, when should we get together? That's last. Okay, so I want to give you a personal example of like how all this goes. Years ago,

it was my birthday. I mean, well, it's my birthday every year, but years ago for my birthday, I wanted to have a girl's night. My birthday is two days after Christmas. So I didn't get many parties growing up because it was just like so close to Christmas. And even now, people are like out of time, you know, they're doing family things. It's just easy for my birthday to pass by, which is really fine. It's really not that big of a deal. That's not the point. But this particular year, I think I was turning, was I turning 30?

Is that what I was? I don't remember. Maybe 33. I'm 38 now. FYI. It doesn't matter. I don't know. I decided I want to have my girlfriends over to celebrate my birthday.

I was going to make my own cake, which I did. I put Benedict Cumberbatch's face on it with icing and it was great. But there wasn't a real purpose other than, having friends in a room. Not only that, I invited all my girlfriends. Like every female that I liked was included. I knew them to varying degrees. They definitely knew each other to varying degrees. Many were strangers. Like many had never spoken to each other before. And guess what? I had no agenda. I was just like, let's hang out, y'all. And imagine what happened. I mean, it was fine. If you're my friend and you're listening and you were there, I'm not saying it was a crap party. Like, you can say that if you want.

But the point, like, the point is there wasn't a clear purpose. And not only that, I didn't think about the who, the what, and the where that would benefit a purpose at all. Sitting in my living room with a dozen women who didn't know each other and not doing anything, but just chatting for two hours, was not the birthday party I intended. And probably not the one they expected to attend. If I had changed one thing, for example, if we had played a game, maybe we could have played a get-to-know-you game or something with teams so that people could talk to each other. But as the host, like I needed to prepare my people for what was coming. Now, some people hate games. You might want to play games, but you feel like you're being bossy by making your party include games. That is why, this is the whole point. This is why

purpose and the choices that follow matter. If you want to have a girl's game night, for example, you need to explicitly say that it is a game night, that you will be playing games. And if you have friends who very much hate playing games, don't invite them. That's not being mean that's being purposeful about what you're trying to do and honoring the people who have agreed to participate. If you have a friend who rolls her eyes at board games, how do you think your other friends will feel if they love them and show enthusiasm for them? They'll probably like temper their enthusiasm. And imagine if you invite a new friend. She will likely wonder like how to be because she's at a game night where not everyone likes games. And she has to like manage that energy. You

see what I'm saying? I realize I'm coming at this from like a very negative standpoint right now. I don't mean to, but let's flip it the other way. Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. You have a strong purpose.

You want to have a girls' night where you sit around at a fun restaurant and drink and laugh and leave everything serious behind you. That might not be the best setting and gathering for a friend who doesn't like crowds, for a friend who doesn't like loud restaurants. Can't focus. My husband is that way. Like if we go out to dinner at a loud restaurant, he's out. Like it's just really difficult for him. Maybe a friend who doesn't drink, right?

Okay. So all of that is okay. It's okay that it's not comfortable for everyone. So once you know your purpose and you've named some things that will help elevate and support that purpose and you see other things that might not elevate and support that purpose, then you can choose your who, your what, and your where. Once those are set, you can pick the best when and then do the inviting. To put a finer point on this, here's another quote from the art of gathering. Priya says, gatherings crackle and flourish when real thought goes. into them when often invisible structure is baked into them and when a host has the curiosity,

willingness, and generosity of spirit to try. Imagine a gathering, or specifically a girl's night, since that's what we're talking about, that crackled and flourished. It's like imagine one that you actually experienced. And it is likely it did that because this approach happened. You might not have seen it, but it's likely because this approach happened. So let's rapid fire some like girls night ideas to kind of flush this out a little bit. The purpose of your gathering is to talk about flea bag season two because you have to or you will die. I have been there. Contributing factors to that purpose are that everyone who comes must have seen flea bag season two. In fact, this is the perfect example of how being kindly exclusive and who you host at a gathering, it doesn't mean it only involves

people you know. If you get a text from your friend Maggie, the night of the party that says, I was talking to a co-worker about our flea back party tonight and she's obsessed with the show and she said she wish she could be a fly on the wall, would you be okay if I invited her? And that answer would be an obvious yes. Who cares if she's a stranger to you? She serves the purpose of the gathering, which is to talk enthusiastically and thoughtfully about a TV show. And to finish up this example, you want to have a conversation about it, right? That's the whole point. But it's good if it's lively. You know, it doesn't have to be done like completely sober either. That means it can happen at a restaurant or a bar or on the friend's couch with like great music playing and some wine. Like casual and

easy is good, but it's on purpose because of the purpose of the gathering. Okay, another one. The purpose is to get to know the moms at preschool beyond like what your kid brought for show and tell. An easy, casual setting is really important to put everyone at ease. And you also want the group small enough to be able to like actually get to know each other rather than have a big group conversation that doesn't go anywhere because not everyone can participate because it's too big of a group. So two ideas. You could do dinner out because maybe being in someone's home first, it might make some women like compare themselves prematurely to each other and like to the host, which you don't really want. So like neutral ground is good, you know, make sure it's a restaurant

that's like casual and fun, but maybe not too loud so that everyone can hear each other since you're like having new conversations. And you want to probably keep the size limited to like eight. Four might be even better because everyone will get a chance to talk. Or a second idea could be you host a game night. Do you remember bunko parties? Say what you will about bunco, but you move around,

you talk to different people. And if you open each round of the game with like a get to know you question or introductions or something, you actually get to exchange words with every single person before the night is over. And really exchanging words and just having a point of connection is the entire point. So that could give you like an option for an even bigger gathering if you break the group into smaller groups like throughout by having something like a game night. One last word on a preschool mom gathering. You might consider the kids to be a contribution to the purpose

of getting to know each other or a hindrance. If you're a mom, you have been in situations where you're talking to a couple of moms at the park, maybe that you don't really know. And it's a nice, you know, it's a nice conversation. It's fine. You're getting to know each other. But then your kid, like, falls down or wants you to push them on the swing. And so you leave to be with your kid, take care of your kid. But then the conversation continues on without you. Now, that doesn't matter as much with mom friends that you already know really well. You know, like if you're going to the park with people that you know, it's cool if you leave the conversation and go back into it. But if if you're already on sort of like shaky ground and getting to know people and you're feeling. And you're

feeling a little bit nervous. Like, is it okay if I'm talking to them? Being separated from the group by a needy kid, it might defeat the purpose because you don't necessarily feel comfortable to like reinsert yourself into a conversation with kind of strangers. Does that make sense? Okay. Last one. The purpose is to really catch up with a group of girlfriends on what's on in each other's lives, the good, the bad, the ugly, right? That means everyone needs to have the same level of comfort with each other. Vulnerability has to be acceptable and, welcome. If hard stuff is happening, tears might follow in the storytelling. So meeting in public might not be the best setting. Having a stranger there is not going to accomplish that purpose, right?

So is all this making sense? Back to what I said before. If you have successful girls nights and are thinking that this whole thing is like too overwrought and complicated and I'm just saying too many words, it's likely because your gatherings already have an unspoken purpose that everyone is naturally in on. Otherwise, you wouldn't look forward to them. You wouldn't keep going. So think about the purpose. Name what would serve that purpose well. And then decide just the normal, like who, what and where. End with when. When is the easiest once everything else is decided. So don't start with when. I really hope that this makes you, like, excited to have a girl's night. Try to think through this stuff for just one gathering, one gathering only. Again, not everyone needs to be

at everything, including you. It's okay. It's okay that we gather on purpose for things that matter to different people. It really, really is okay. And try and see if you can't name some of these things in the next week or so and plan something this month. Really. February is like such a wamp, womp, womp month for so many of us with like nothing really happening. But we have like the desire to have a little bit of fun because January is so long. So try and think through one gathering. just like go through the steps of thinking about it. You don't have to do it. Just see how it shapes up in your head or on a piece of paper. And then if you're excited about it, actually text some friends and have your girls night, whatever that looks like for you. Okay, that is it for today. Let's talk more about these ideas this Thursday on Instagram. I will be there live around noon Eastern at The Lazy Genius. And we can flesh out a bit more of this idea of like kind exclusion too if you need it. I feel like that's probably you all are very kind, very polite people. And I think that concept in particular might feel weird. I get it. So we can help each other flesh that out by talking about some of these ideas together. So Thursday

the 13th, February 13th at noon Eastern. And if you were listening to this later than that, so many of the Thursday IG Lives are on the IGTV section on my Instagram profile. You can watch any of those anytime you like. That's it for today. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to go join that Facebook group if you are interested. Until next time. be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that.

More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life? Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves.

Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.