The Lazy Genius Podcast - #146 - Feeding Picky Kids

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

What’s the problem with picky kids? It’s frustrating to make food that doesn’t get eaten. More than that, we worry that our kids aren’t getting the nutrients they need or that they’ll only eat brown and red foods for the rest of their lives. But really, when it comes down to it, it’s fear. Let’s flip the script and nurture kids who trust their bodies. Helpful Companion Links Here’s the first episode I did on intuitive eating and here’s a list of intuitive eating resources crowdsourced from Lazy Geniuses like you! We love snack platters around our house. Here are some ideas in the comments to start using snack patters in your routine. We explored living without food rules a few weeks back, and I think we can apply the same concept to feeding our kids. Join me live on Instagram this Thursday around noon EST. I’ll be there to answer whatever questions you may have about feeding picky kids. Download a transcript of this episode. This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi everyone. You're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 146. Feeding picky kids and more specifically how to nurture kids who trust their bodies. We talked a few weeks ago about intuitive eating and a lot of you asked how to do this with kids. I am definitely not. an expert. I'm still very much learning how to do this with my own kids, but we're going to talk through some easy, actionable approaches that you can start today, even. First, a quick announcement. I wanted to give you a heads up on a possible change here on the podcast. So up until this point, in the first 146 episodes, I have not had ads on the show. The first reason was because the audience was really small when I started, like most podcasts that, you know, aren't named serial. So it was never really an issue. It's not like companies were like banging down the door or anything. Now the show, it's almost four years old. We, y'all, we have like well over four million downloads total.

Four million. That's crazy. It's actually more than that because the entire first like year and a half of the show had no stats attached to them because I'm very professional. Anyway, the show is growing. The business is growing. And so ads will be part of the show in the near future. one of the reasons that I kind of hesitated to explore ads was because I worried what people would think. A couple years ago, someone sent me an email that thanked me for not having ads because it made the show feel more real. While I can totally understand the sentiment behind that, I also want to say that podcasting is really hard work and that having ads is a really sensible way for people to support their business. You all are really smart, fantastic people. you know that creating stuff takes a lot of time and energy. And all of us are worth getting paid for those things. Now, sadly, some of us don't get paid, like stay-at-home parents. Some of us do get a

paycheck, but it's not reflective of the value of the work, like teachers or social workers or counselors. So there is also this weird thing when you're responsible for your own paycheck, because like you're the boss. I am my own boss. I also have an employee, not just me. I pay taxes. I hired an accountant for the first time to do that this year, you guys. Why did I wait so long for that? But the point is, if I don't decide how to make money, I don't make money, which is weird, right? So far, I have earned an income in a variety of ways, and it looks like adding podcast ads will be one of those ways pretty soon. It just makes sense. There are still some details to work out, but I just wanted to give you a heads up that those are coming. Again, you're very smart people. You know the differences,

like in an ad, in being an affiliate or a partner with someone, and then just like sharing something I love. I share what I love in my latest lazy letter, sometimes on Instagram. I am only an affiliate for programs and people that I have used and vouch for. And then while ads are technically being paid by a company to say words about their company, I am committed to choosing advertisers that makes sense for you. while I, like, I won't have personal experience with every product or company that I have an ad for, I do know you and I want to continue to bring joy and help to your life. So my choices for advertisers will reflect that as best as I can. We're going to get some fun ad music too to mark those. So that's

fun. Everybody likes a good jingle. So anyway, so that's the announcement. Ads are coming. No big thing. But I just wanted to kind of like tell you rather than just start having ads for things as kind of of a surprise. Okay. Let's talk about our picky children. What is the problem with picky kids? Sounds like a Seinfeld opening. It is frustrating to make food that doesn't get eaten. Very frustrating. But I think even more than that, we worry that our kids aren't getting the nutrients they need. We also worry that they're only going to eat like brown and red foods for the rest of their lives. Honestly, when it comes to picky kids, I think we have a lot of fear. I catch myself wanting to justify my kids eating, even to you guys, like on Instagram or here on the podcast, kind of like, yeah, they don't like green foods, but we give them vitamins, so it's fine, you know, that kind of thing.

Frankly, neither of us needs to justify how our kids eat to each other or anyone else. There's a lot of shame around how kids eat, and that needs to stop. if other kids eat stuff that your kid would only eat in your dreams, you feel like a terrible, irresponsible parent. And nobody needs that energy in their lives, you guys. It's the actual worst to feel like the actual worst. So we have a lot of fear about what our kids eat. We also exert a lot of control over how our kids eat. Three more bites before you get up. Eat your vegetables first. no dessert until after dinner. You just ate. How can you be hungry again? You'll spoil your dinner if you eat now, that kind of thing. P.S., I have said or done every single one of those things. One of them, I think, yesterday. I'm very much in the learning stages of this too. So we are afraid of what our kids eat, what they don't eat, how much they eat if they're getting enough to eat in order to grow, when they eat, all the things. There's a lot of pressure on us and on them. This is why I've been moving into the space of intuitive. eating for my kids, not just for me. I think kids are picky because kids are picky. People are picky.

We all like different things. And when you add to that, the food rules and pressures that our kids feel, but don't really have words for, of course they're going to hoard and like hold tight to foods that are more or less off limits. That's what we do. And we have like a more developed brain than they do. So today in the, in the spirit of like small steps and grace wherever you are. Let's look at 10 ways to start down the road of letting your kids be intuitive eaters and trusting their bodies. Okay, number one, your kids were born this way. They were born intuitive eaters. If you think about babies, babies cry when they're hungry and then they stop eating when they're done. They'll go like several hours without eating and then cluster feed like animals the next day. We were born with signals for hunger and fullness.

and your kids are included in that. Don't forget that for them or yourself. This is how we were made to eat. Listening to our body's physical and mental cues is how we were made to eat. So that's number one. Number two, respect your kids' signals of hungry and full. This is really tough because we're so used to eating a certain amount before we're allowed to leave the table or before our kids are allowed to leave the table. we also can't believe a kid when they're still hungry even after just eating something huge. Intuitive eating experts. And by the way, the ones that I've learned from are all registered dietitians, professionals, you know, all the things. They say that there might be a dip for a bit in your kids' habits as they trust you to believe that you trust them. I mean, they are going to say that they're full when they don't want to eat the food that's offered to them, you know,

but that's okay. You don't have to figure out like every single motivation and why they say what they say, but begin to trust them. The more we can trust the like, I'm full and I'm still hungry, the more they can too. They're on a learning curve with this just like we are. So we're kind of all in this together and being patient. Okay. So number three, make all foods equal. We need to take morality off of food. No foods are bad for you or good for you. We'll talk about different language in a second, but it's really important to make all foods equal. Zero morality. Your kids need to learn, just like we do for ourselves, to trust their bodies more than they trust a label or more than we trust the label on their behalf. Now, that's not saying labels are bad. They're just not the most important thing in intuitive eating. Otherwise, you're back

to food rules and you're letting labels and diet culture tell you what to eat. One way to make all foods equal is to not save dessert for the end, especially if you do what I have done for a long time, which is kind of like holding it hostage until like certain foods they're eaten. It makes it so enticing. I know that's like a typical pattern in a lot of homes and it's hard to break. But try serving all the foods at the same time. Like put a cookie on the plate alongside whatever dinner you made. That is also why I love snack platters. Snack platters are another way to make food equal. So I've talked about this on Instagram a couple of times, but many afternoons, I just put a bunch of different foods on a platter for the kids to share after school, like on a big

circular platter. So it's like pie slices of food almost. There are no rules on eating like certain foods before others. And the kids see like all the stuff on the plate in equal amounts in a circle. It's sort of like King Arthur's round table. There's no food that's more important or better. than another. So think about ways that makes sense for your family that you can make all foods equal. Number four, make food as a reward an option, not the rule. Seeing food as a reward is not by nature bad. Food is really fun and can be very, you know, celebratory. A way to keep all foods equal, though, is to not automatically make a food a reward. or the thing that you do to celebrate something.

So instead of saying, let's go get ice cream to celebrate, you might ask the kid, how would you like to celebrate? Now, if they say, let's get a puppy, that might not work. But if the kid wants to go get ice cream, do that. That's amazing. But by giving options of fun things, you make food one fun thing without putting so much pressure on it as a reward. And if you're allowing your kids to eat without food rules and trust themselves more,

they won't see things like ice cream as some unique thing that they never get, right? Because it's not put on a pedestal about other foods. The ice cream isn't really what's special. It's the experience around it. It's going out for it, you know, to celebrate something in particular. The ice cream itself is almost neutral. Ice cream cannot be completely neutral because ice cream is amazing. But it kind of becomes a little bit more neutral. So try and make food as a reward an option, but not. the rule. Number five, avoid food rules. This is likely the hardest thing I'll say today because it feels so counterintuitive. And it actually is. Food rules are counterintuitive. They are counter to our intuition. The same is true for our kids. And we give kids a lot of food rules. They have to eat certain foods first. Other foods are relegated to like certain times of the day. They can't eat dessert until they've eaten a certain number of bites. Candy only once a day, if that, all of that stuff. There are so many food rules for kids. And our intentions for that are good, I think. We want them to develop good habits, to grow strong, to try new things,

to not waste food, all of it. But there's a lot of evidence that shows that kids who live in a house with a lot of food rules develop disordered eating or a shameful relationship with food as teenagers and adults, just like we did. That episode a few weeks. ago about food rules, it hit you guys hard because we all live with so many food rules and don't realize how they strip the joy from eating and then strip us from knowing and trusting our bodies better. The same is true of our kids. So even though it's hard for you and for me too, we could serve our kids well by not making them live with food rules. I realize that feels impossible. It's just an idea. Start small, all the things. Okay.

Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dacher Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Number six, talk about growing foods. This is a point that can be really helpful in communicating with your kids about food. So we often hear foods described as healthy or junk, even good or bad.

I've heard myself say things like, well, you know, sugar's kind of bad for our body. So let's not have that lot of the pop right now. Now, I'm not saying that certain foods don't offer like a bigger nutritional punch than others. Of course they do. But that does not mean that less nutrient-dense food is bad. bad. Our bodies are really good at knowing the difference and telling us what they need to function well. Good language to have around food, especially with kids, is not necessarily healthy or unhealthy. It's growing food. So if you need some language, especially when your kid comes home from school after a unit on

nutrition and tells you that your house has too many unhealthy foods and that you need to get rid of them all, that has not happened to me at all three months ago. It's nice to have words that affirm the idea of nutrition without putting morality on the food itself. So yeah, certain foods are growing foods, right? They're full of more things that help our bodies grow. But some bodies need different kinds of growing foods than others too. We all need different foods to grow. That's why it's important to listen to our own bodies about what they might need, how hungry they are, how full they are, how tired. How tired. they are, all of that. It kind of is all connected. So growing foods are really good middle ground between food morality language and just not knowing what to say at all. Okay, number seven, name the difference between your way at home and the way everywhere else. That growing food piece is helpful here. But it's also nice to have some thoughts stored away when you have a kid confused by what they hear at school or at grandmas or at a friend's house. My son once told me that a girl in this class, who he often sat next to at lunch, kept telling him that his lunches weren't healthy

and that he was not going to get big and strong. Bless him. It scared him so much. It was helpful to have kind language around the way we are at our home and then the way others might be in their families and their homes. So in some houses, you know, like the bedtime is at seven and others it's nine. And some houses you take your shoes off when you come in the door. You know, like every house gets to decide its own way of doing things. So encouraging your kid that no one house is doing it right or wrong, just different, it could be really helpful. We often say at our house that we think all foods are fine. No foods are bad. And you're not bad for eating one thing instead of eating something else. Again, we're still in the early stages of trying to create

this culture in our home. But being aware of the difference in messages my kids get at home versus other places is it's just, it's a helpful thing to be aware of. We also, this is really important. We also don't want to like demonize people who do live with food rules or who eat quote unquote healthy. That's not fair either. There's more than one lay and this is our way and that's okay. Number eight, you are not responsible for what your child eats. I'm going to say that again. You're not responsible for what your child eats. Okay. Deep breath. Let me share this quote from a registered dietitian and expert in kids and intuitive eating. Quote, the greatest challenge parents must overcome is not holding themselves responsible for what the child eats.

They are only responsible for meal timing, serving a variety of foods with at least one choice they know the child will enjoy, and ensuring the meal time is pleasant. End quote. So you just have your meal and snack times, you know, give or take. you serve the food and you stay pleasant. Now, not having food rules, it definitely helps with this situation, right? Because you're not saying you have to try this many bites or whatever it is. And remember, this is also important.

Remember that this is not saying that your kids get to choose whatever they want to eat from the entire kitchen. They're choosing from what you serve. And you're offering at least one thing that's familiar that they do like. Otherwise, though, it's all their choice and not your. responsibility. Another RDN says, quote, the number one change parents can make when feeding their children is not saying anything. Once the food is in front of the child, it is no longer the parent or anyone else's business, how much or whether the child eats. I mean, that sounds nice in

practice, doesn't it? Like no more fighting over bites and new foods and all of that at the table. But it also sounds kind of impossible and borderline irresponsible. I get that. My husband and I talked last weekend about this and this part was a huge sticking point, especially for him. But remember, this is a process. This is not an on-off switch that will immediately change everything. We're all still finding our way, mostly because we're steeped pretty deeply in our own food rules and we don't trust our bodies, so it's hard to let our kids trust theirs. Which leads me to, number nine, let kids learn the responsibility to their own bodies. They are responsible for themselves. What an incredible gift we can give our kids to give them agency over their own bodies, even as young kids just with food.

Obviously, this is within reason. If you've got like babies, all the things, but you get what I'm saying. So as they develop the awareness, well, actually, they already have the awareness, but they've likely lost a good bit of it depending on how old they are. I know mine have. They will trust themselves. They will trust their bodies. And that kind of responsibility goes beyond just what they eat. It affects how they listen to rest cues and energy cues, how they interact with people and trust their own voice in the room. Creating a culture around intuitive eating for our kids who are already born equipped to do this, it creates a culture where they trust themselves and they feel confident in who they are in general. That's like such a far-reaching,

far-lasting consequence of something as simple as what they eat for dinner. It sounds really simplistic, but it's it's all connected which is kind of cool and then number 10 you're going to mess up you're going to mess up and that's okay right now the biggest mess up that we have in our house is that my husband and I are not on the same page yet it's not because we like fundamentally disagree about all of this all of these things but it's because we've never really talked about it we well we both have like different food rules right like he's lived a life of food rules just like I have. We grew up in different kinds of houses. He's a guy which often manifests differently in our culture than it does for females when it comes to food and body. We also have ideas of what it means

to be a good parent. Doesn't a good parent like not let a kid eat dessert unless they finish their dinner or not let their kid eat chips every day or say like you haven't eaten in six hours. You're going to be hungry tomorrow if you don't eat your dinner, go eat your dinner. And then do like a little shaming like, I told you so in the morning. when the kid is starving, so they'll learn their lesson to eat when it's dinner time. You know, like, all of that is normal and regular, and we all do it and think that that's being a good parent. And that's okay. But because Kaz and I have not talked about this much together on purpose, we don't have a unified front, which means we're constantly sending our kids

mixed signals. They get mixed signals like just for me because I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I'm comfortable with my 10-year-old eating an entire bag of chips because he's obsessed with chips. But why is he obsessed with chips? I think one reason is because chips are delicious. Barbecue, Lays, barbecue, are you kidding me? They're amazing. But really, I think another reason is because I've made chips more off limits, which to him makes them more enticing. So there are mixed messages, and that's okay. We're figuring it out, you know? Like I said, Kost and I talked about it over the weekend. And while we are starting to get on the same page, we're also still trying to find the page in the first place.

It's confusing and a little strange to do this with kids. But I've also seen the incredible benefits in my own life of living without food rules and not putting so much emphasis on the importance and value of the shape of my physical body. And I want my kids to experience that too. I don't want them to have to unlearn a lot of things. Like, what an amazing thing that they just live life this way to begin. but it's hard. It's hard to do. And there are lots of ways to mess up every single day. I just want you to remember that that is okay. Parents mess up. We make the wrong call. We're inconsistent. All of it.

Don't shame yourself for that. It is a process for everyone. It doesn't always have clear answers. And the sooner that you accept that you're going to mess up, that you're not always going to know what to say. And that means sometimes you're going to say the wrong thing, the quicker that you can kind of move past it and learn from it and just keep going, right? Okay. So that is our first dive into transforming picky eaters into intuitive eaters. Again, I am not an expert or even like super great at doing this at all myself. But I am slowly seeing the benefits of letting my kids have agency over themselves and

trusting their bodies and learning a new language around food. So just take it slow. Just take it slow. okay, that is it for today. I sighed just like, that was so heavy. Oh my goodness. So much drama. We will talk about this more Thursday on Instagram. I know that y'all are going to have a lot of questions and concerns about things, as you think about it. And while I will do my best to answer what I can, of course, also know two things. One, I'm not an expert, but two, you know your family better than I do. It is okay to try something and it not work. Try something. Try something.

else. Be patient. Start small. But come ask your questions and we can encourage each other in this process. So Thursday morning, I will put a panel up in stories where you can ask your questions. That's what we've been doing lately, which is so great because I can take your questions and put them like on the screen when I do a live. It's the best feature ever. So you can come and ask your questions there and then I will go live around noon Eastern to talk through this a bit. Most of my lives last about half an hour. They exist in my stories for 24 hours. And then after that, they're saved to IGTV. It sometimes takes a couple of days. My right hand, Leah, does that for me. And, you know, sometimes it takes a couple days to get it over to IGTV. But it will land there. You can follow me at The Lazy Genius to access all

of that, the old lives as well. So if you have listened to like an episode that's in the archives, feel free to scroll through IGTV and see if you can find the live that goes with it if you've got other questions because you guys it's crazy how it's not crazy it's it's interesting how questions there are only like a handful of questions that are asked asked just in a variety of ways we're all struggling with the same things so more than likely the question that you have unless it's like incredibly specific was asked and possibly answered so you can check out those on my IGTV channel whatever at the lazy genius okay thank you so much for listening you guys Until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't.

I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next week. If you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life, it's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life, because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You.

People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a good. away. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to becoming you wherever you get your podcasts.