The Lazy Genius Podcast - #158 - Staying In Touch When You Can’t Touch

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

Right now, we’re separated from each other in ways we never have been before, but there will be other times when we want to stay in touch with people we love when we’re far away from them, whether it’s across the country or six feet apart. So today, how do we stay in touch when we can’t actually touch? Helpful Companion Links Myquillyn Smith, aka The Nester, gave me the framework of “lovely limitations.” Her book, Cozy Minimalist Home (affiliate link), is my go-to Christmas gift for my kids’ teachers. Instagram is where I hang out most on social media, and I’d love for you to join me there. You can find me @thelazygenius. P.S. Here’s that post about Annie’s birthday party. Download a transcript of this episode. This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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You're listening to The Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about. the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 158. Staying in touch when you can't touch. Our last few episodes have been related to how we're living in this coronavirus pandemic, but can also be relevant when we're not. We still need to manage our time when time makes no sense. We'll have plenty of life stages and situations where we need to clean the house when everyone is inside it. Hopefully this episode will feel the same as some of those past ones. Right now, we are separated from each other in ways we never have been before,

but there will be other times when we want to stay in touch with people we love when we're far away from them, whether it's across the country or six feet apart. So today, how do we stay in touch when we can't actually touch? Physical touch is a real thing to grieve for a lot of us. If you're into the five love languages and your love languages touch, this is a tough time for you. I've had a couple of porch sits, well I'll get to in a second. And it's so weird to be with my friends and not hug them hello, especially when we're all in this strange crisis together. And hugs feel like a normal display of comfort and connection during a crisis. So yes, we can't physically touch, but we can still connect. That's the point of today's episode to break

down how we can do that. the goal of any time with another person is meaningful connection. You can be in the same room with another person, but without meaningful connection, it doesn't really feel like you are with them. But thankfully, the reverse of that, it doesn't follow the same law. You can still have meaningful connection when you're not in the same room. So if the point is meaningful connection, and meaningful connection can exist just about anywhere, the anywhere shouldn't necessarily be the thing we start with. But that's our tendency, isn't it? We want to start with the tangibles and the logistics. And right now, those are gone. Our structures are on semi-permanent hiatus, church, school, going to work,

running groups, book clubs, going out to dinner with friends or having people over to your house, playdates, all the things. The structures are all gone. And because the structures are all gone, it feels like our chances of connection are also gone. And if we stop there, if we stop at the lack of normal connective structures, it's a really hopeless situation. But meaningful connection is not based on the structure or the institution. Think about all the major events that are being canceled right now. Not necessarily like the Olympics, although that's incredibly major, but personal things like weddings, graduations, birthday parties. Because the typical structure of celebration won't work right now, we feel like the whole thing is lost. Now listen,

I'm not saying, hey, it's cool. You can't have your regularly planned wedding. You'll be fine. It's about connection on the institution. Like, I'm not that mean. There is a lot. to grieve, you guys. So much. This is really simple. I had plans for Annie's fourth birthday that had to pivot in big ways. I have been planning a big in-person book launch party for August 11th when my book The Lazy Genius Way comes out and we're not going to be able to do it because of all these restrictions. It's really sad. There's a lot that's really sad about all of this lack of gathering and connection. But this is our collective reminder that the meaningful connection is the most important part. And while a lot surrounding that connection looks way different right now, we can still take the

time and aim our energy at trying to creatively think about that meaningful connection so we don't lose it all. We don't lose everything. So in these next few minutes, I want to still look at the hopeful parts. It doesn't negate or dismiss the horrible parts, you know, we can, we can have both. We can experience both. I want to share three perspectives we can have during this time of being a part. And then at the end, I'll share a few tangible ideas of how to apply those perspectives to your life and your relationships. So the first perspective is that we can pivot. Okay, so when all this started, for us, it was early mid-March. We didn't say, we didn't see anyone, like our family. We didn't see anyone. Of course we stayed home. So I texted some people,

you know, but we more or less had the perspective of physical isolation, which led to relational isolation across the board. Also, we were all in that same crazy place that a lot of you were. We were like trying to teach school and figure out how to entertain the kids all day, every day without going anywhere. And then I think about people who live alone and how you had to like suddenly manage being alone all the time and learning to cook for yourself because you usually eat out with friends or you don't cook this much at home and all the things a lot changed for all of us and all of that early day panic was made simpler for our family by just staying put that's how it started and it's how it stayed for us for a while and then came annie's birthday

when it was time for her to turn four, I was like, man, this is a bummer and we need to figure something out. So we did a social distancing yard party where people dropped by like on a timeline, staggered apart so we didn't have more than one or two family units there at a time. And it was great. I wrote a post about it on my Instagram feed if you want to check that out. But after the party, after having to get myself out of the assumption that we would never see anyone again for several months, after having to think creatively about connection, it started to feel like, yeah, we can do this. Now listen, we don't know how long this socially distant life will last. We're likely going to get hit with second and third waves of sheltering in place.

And being apart for so long where we're completely isolated from each. other like we were in the beginning, it just isn't sustainable. It's time to pivot. So I'm just reminding you that just because you started out this situation one way doesn't mean it's how it's going to be the whole time or how it has to be the whole time. You can change things up. You can make different decisions that are still safe, obviously, within the guidelines, but also meet your need for meaningful connection. We'll get to some specifics of those in a bit. The second perspective is that living apart and not connecting in the ways that we used to

helps us really see what matters in our lives and in our relationships. When we got together with people before, we just got together. It was great, but it might have been more or less automatic. You know, we go to church, same as every Sunday. We go to all the places, same as we always do. That automatic way of living and gathering makes our vision. in a little fuzzy to what we're actually doing, why we're actually doing it, and what really matters about it. Now that we can't gather the same way, we are beautifully exposed to the things

about our relationships and our connections that we miss. What is it about going to church that you really, really miss? What is it about having people in your home that you really, really miss? Be specific. Naming that thing is a game. gift and showing you what matters to you. It's not just, I miss going to church. Why? Why do you really miss it? We've all been given this unique opportunity to put a microscope on what matters if we just take the time to look. In a third perspective that can give us some hope and how to approach staying in touch when we can't touch is the concept of lovely limitations. So I have mentioned Michaelan Smith or The Nestor, as many of you know her, on this podcast several times before.

She's my home guru. She is a decorating, lazy genius. I'll put a link to her book, Cozy Minimalist Home, in the show notes for you. It's a fantastic book. I give it as a gift all the time. Anyway, Michaelin has a concept she calls lovely limitations. Basically, we tend to look at limitations is a bad thing. Limits keep us from doing what we want to do, right? Now in Michaelin's world of decorating, a limit is a small budget or a weird window that makes it harder to find a place for the bed to go, a room that has to serve three functions when you really only want it to serve one. Those are decorating limits. Obviously, in our context, we've got the limitation of six feet. We have the limitation of needing to be in open spaces with each other, but we lack a lot of the public places we normally

have access to to do that. We're limited by our regular rhythms that are pretty much shot right now. But lovely limitations, if we choose to see them that way, can help us get creative and find solutions and ideas we never would have thought of otherwise. We don't let the limitations stop us from still moving forward with what matters. And sometimes, the solution to that weird window or the six feet, it brings us closer to what matters than we thought because we're choosing to see the limitations as lovely as best we can. And we have this newly discovered lens of what really and truly matters about the situation. And we get to make choices that we never would have been able to make. So I think that these three perspectives,

you can pivot, you know, and start making choices that are different than ones you made in the beginning. You can use this time to really see what specifically matters to you about the things you miss. And you can see these limitations as lovely and not just just annoying or difficult and see what creative solutions can come from that. I think that those reminders can help recontextualize staying in touch because we're not letting anything be a dead end or roadblock, you know, we can keep going. We have to go in a different direction maybe, but our only option isn't to just stop, which is honestly how it feels sometimes, especially if we don't reframe things in a more hopeful way. Okay, now let's talk about a couple of like tangible things as you try and stay in touch when you can't

touch. I'm actually going to make this like a list for you list makers out there. I don't usually do that, but here you go. So step one. name the person or the event that you're wanting to have a meaningful connection with or around. What person or family do you want a meaningful connection with right now? Think about it. Not every person or family will connect with you in the same way. You know, personalities, proximity, whether they live in your neighborhood or they live, you know, seven states away, the age of kids, if there are kids, schedules, like all those things,

change how you meaningfully connect with someone. So name the specific person or persons you're wanting to connect with so that you can be intentional about that connection when you make it. Or maybe you're considering how to meaningfully connect around an event like a birthday or anniversary or graduation or something. So start with the event or the person. Step two. Connect with purpose. We all want meaningful connection, but what's the main purpose behind? that connection. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one.

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It just doesn't fly. But when you're in the same room, it's magic. And sometimes it's the other way around. It just, who knows? It depends on the relationship. So connection is the umbrella across the whole thing. But what exactly is going to connect you with this person or connect you and your people with this event?

So connect with purpose and name it. Step three. Focus on what can best best. fulfill that purpose. Okay, now that you know it, what can best help you get there? If you're wanting to connect with your grandparents for the purpose of making them feel cared for, you might not FaceTime them in the middle of the day with everyone in your house running around behind you when you're likely to be interrupted a lot. Now, I'm not saying that talking with your grandparents in the middle of regular life is bad or insensitive at all. It might be like amazing

and your grandparents are super into it. But if your purpose and having meaningful connection with your grandparents, especially during a time when you're disconnected on some level, if your purpose is to make them feel cared for, calling them when you can give them your attention in a quieter space, it might serve that purpose better. That's a pretty basic example, but sometimes we don't think about the factors that might contribute to the purpose behind our connections. And when our regular ways of connecting are more or less upside down, it's nice to put a little more thought into why we're doing what we're doing. So focus on what can best fulfill the purpose of connecting with this specific person. Step four, be creative. I mean, duh, and also, ooh, like, but what we tend to do

is start with think creatively, you know, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to come up with something outside the box because we know we need a new idea to deal with all these limitations. But if we start with that broad stroke of thinking outside the box without even knowing where the box is and what the purpose of the box is in the first place, you know, we start spinning our wheels without a clear direction. So yes, we have to think creatively right now. Times are strange and we're all feeling pretty disconnected from each other. But name who you're wanting to connect with. Name the purpose of that connect of time and see what things would contribute to that purpose and make it actually happen. And then once you have those things, then you have a better

idea of where to put your creativity. Right. You know what you're working with. Now that does not necessarily mean that you have to make the most upside down strange amazing girls hang of all time. Sometimes creativity means just getting outside of the normal schedule of how you used to connect. I was talking with a group of my friends the other day about how our regular times of seeing each other aren't happening anymore, obviously, things like church and family dinners, or just stopping by to drop something off that the other person needed at Target, you know, like running errands for each other. Because those regular things aren't happening, we're not seeing each other. So we need to find new ways of seeing each other. We have to be proactive because the routine stuff

is, you know, taking a break right now. Now, does that mean we need to throw like a masquerade ball or something crazy to see each other? No, no, that's not what creativity has to mean. We just have to be a little bit more creative in scheduling time together because the time used to be more or less scheduled for us. So sure, be creative, but don't translate that to like Instagram worthy decorations or costumes or something. Creativity is just thinking differently. And usually with a little imagination because normal social. solutions aren't as easy to come by. So be creative, whatever that means for whatever connection you're after. And finally, step five. Scatter joy. I've said this before. Ralph Waldor

Emerson said this. I have it on a coffee mug. Those two words. Scatter joy. How can you add joy to this meaningful connection? Even if your purpose is more or less existing in a sad place, like if you've lost someone and you're grieving that law, and fractured, socially distanced community, joy is still welcome. I don't mean joy in a distracting, dismissive sense. Joy isn't the same as like happiness. Joy is deeper. We all know that. Joy is hopeful. It brings light into dark places. And again, not that we can't exist in the dark. We can and sometimes we need to. But meaningful connection is enhanced by considering where we might scatter joy. Lighting a fire that everyone sits around in your front yard at a socially

appropriate distance, you know, because flickering, moving, ambient light is a weirdly special thing. Candles do the same thing, just on a smaller scale. Blowing bubbles for your kids while they're cousins on FaceTime, you know, those seven states away blow bubbles in their yard at the same time. Maybe you think about the senses and what it would mean to share the same sensory experience, which totally brings joy to the people involved. When you do a Zoom call with your girlfriends, maybe everybody drinks the same thing or lights the same candle. You could even mail something sensory to your people so that everyone can experience the same thing together. A week or two ago, actually, I don't know how long it was, you know, how it is. Time is just upside down. But Brie McCoy

mentioned on Instagram about how she and her husband, they had to cancel a trip to France that they were going to take with another couple that they'd been planning for months and months and they had to cancel it. On the day they were supposed to leave, which is a sad day, you know, because you're not going. They did a French wine tasting with French cheese over Zoom with this couple that they were going to go to France with. I mean, it's definitely not France, but it was something. It was meaningful connection in the most creative way they could think of as a stand-in for not being an actual France. Now, obviously not going is something to grieve, but they also scatter joy in that grief.

So think about how you can add joy to your meaningful connection. And it makes just the most massive difference. Now, these five steps, I will say, you know, it does feel really different if you're applying them to like hanging out with your girlfriend on a regular Tuesday versus like trying to plan a pandemic wedding. But I think the overall journey of these steps is the same, you know, name what matters, right? Like that's, that's the whole thing here. And a gift of this time that we're in is that we are exposed to what matters in a deep way. When so much is taken away, it's easier to see what we would most like back. So use that information to spur you on.

in staying in touch when you can't actually touch. Really quickly, a couple of things that I've done that have helped in this time. Porch or driveway yard sits. We've been calling it a porch sit, even though not everybody has porches. Everybody brings their own chair, their own blanket, drink, and we sit around together. That's it. It's fantastic. If you have a fire or twinkle lights, massive bonus.

I have a weekly Zoom call with my Mastermind group. Standing appointments like that are such a great thing. It feels like it's normalizing things a little bit. And they're so low pressure. I have the same with my church community group. So, you know, we get on a Zoom call every week. It's definitely not the same as being in each other's houses and having dinner together. But we're seeing each other, you know, and it's scheduled.

We've also been starting to do like every other week doing. doing like a guy's night and girls night. So like the guys in the group one week will like drive to the church parking lot and um and like sit in a circle with our cars like we're in college or something like just open the back of the cars and sit around talk. Um that's that's just really great. Very simple. It's not the same, but it's something. There is a another thing is just rethinking what you used to do. Um, maybe in your city and or town. There are things that you just, sort of forgot we're there that you could utilize. There is, for example, there's a great park that I love here in my town, but I don't usually

go there because it's not as close to my house, but it has a very, very wide sidewalk where we can meet another family and my kids can ride their bikes on one side and then the other kids can ride on the other side of the sidewalk. And then me and the other mom can be socially distant together too on that sidewalk. but we're still together, right? So work through these steps. Work through. That sounds like homework. Think through. Enjoy these steps. And maybe you can discover a way to connect and stay in touch that you just wouldn't have thought of before. In fact, I am working through this process myself on how to feed people during a pandemic. I really like having people over gathering is like

my favorite thing in the world, it's when I feel the most like myself, like so alive. And I really, really miss it. But I'm not giving up. I am thinking through these steps for myself of how I can meaningfully connect with people with that gathering, feeding energy. But when we can't actually gather, you know. So I'm personally in the get creative phase right now. And it's strangely fun and energizing. So take your time through these steps, small steps in these five steps. Because listen, you're not going to figure all of this out all at once. You're going to miss people. You're going to feel like, you know, whatever way that you connect is a shadow of what it could be when things were more normal. And obviously in a lot of ways, that's true. But remember the three

perspectives from the beginning. You can make choices that are different than ones you made at the start. and not stay stuck. It's hard to say. Stay stuck where you are. You can name what you miss and what matters the most. And you can see these limitations as lovely and let them move you into a place of creative thinking so that you can still experience meaningful connections. We are all different with different relationships and circumstances and needs.

So again, it would just be really wasteful for me to give you like 15 hacks for gathering on Zoom. So hopefully this way of thinking will unlock something in your brain and give you permission to move toward meaningful connection in a way that makes the most sense for you. This is really hard and we're all just doing the best we can. So you're doing great. Remember what matters. Let the rest fall away. Be sad when you need to be sad. Grieve what you miss.

But also name what it is that you're grieving and allow. that to again shine a light on what matters most. Thanks so much for listening. I so appreciate your time, especially when podcast listening time seems to be shrinking for so many of us. So it really means a lot that you would take your time to be here. I'm just so glad. Until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that more dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch.

I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.