The Lazy Genius Podcast - #18: The Lazy Genius Raises a New Baby

Episode Date: April 17, 2017

1. Read some posts to make the episode even better! The Baby Stuff I'd Rescue In a Fire - all my favorite items from Annie's first year of life Don't Carpe Diem - the super viral post by Glennon Doyle Melton that made me feel like a normal mom When You're Not Excited About Having a New Baby - just in case you have feelings that you're afraid to say out loud 2. In case you want more of the record player stuff... I talked about a record player... we were given a Crosley three-speed last year similar to this one but in teal. And our go-to record right now? The soundtrack from La La Land. Bonkers good. And if you like moody background music, this one by S. Carey is a personal favorite that's on repeat A LOT. 3. Get your freebie from the episode! This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is brought to you by Defender. With a towing capacity of 3,500 kilograms and a waiting depth of 900 millimeters, the Defender 110 pushes what's possible. Learn more at landrover.ca. Amazon presents Laura versus fruit flies. Swarming your fruit and terrorizing your kitchen. These little freaks multiply at a rate that would make a rabbit say, yo. Chill.

But Laura shopped on Amazon and saved on cleaning spray, countertop wipes, and fly traps. Hey, fruit flies, your baby boom ends here. Save the Everyday with Amazon. Hi, everyone. This is Kendra Adachi, and I'm so glad you're listening to The Lazy Genius Podcast. Here, I'm going to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today's episode, The Lazy Genius, deals with a new baby. Now, I know not all of us have babies or will have babies, but we all know someone who does

or is about to. And so if this is not necessarily relevant to you, I would so encourage you to give it a listen or just send it along to a new mom in your life because these are the things that I wish I knew before I had babies. So the pitch today is taking care of babies. sometimes feels impossible, but you can do it. You will make it. And the playbook today is very, very simple. I am sharing the 12 things that I wish I knew before I had babies. So let's get right to it. Number one, don't read so much stuff. Like there are so many baby books. There are so many blogs and

websites and all the things. There's like a saturation of information. And when you are a woman who is sitting there super hormonal and you especially have never had a baby before and you just end up reading all the things you go insane you don't realize that you're contributing to your insanity you don't really know it in the moment you think you're being super prepared and that you're going to be such a better mom because you know all the different ways to swaddle a baby you know all of the different signs of thrush like you know all you don't you even know what thrush is Like you know all these things. But then when the actual baby comes, it's like a human person.

It's not a chapter in a book. And every kid is different. And so when your answers don't work, you feel like you're doing something wrong. Or you have so many options that you are paralyzed from actually making a decision because you read so many things and you're not really trusting your own gut. So the first thing. that I wish I knew before I had babies was I wish I hadn't read so much. And on the other side of that, what I wish I had done was found like one friend who had been, who was a mother that I admire

and just asked her, like, hey, what do you wish you had known before you had a baby? Or what tips can you give me or whatever? Can I call you when my baby is screaming and I don't know what to do? Is that cool? Like find a person that you trust whose advice you can take and it's one thing, right? And if you want to follow it, great. If you don't, you're only choosing between what she said and what your gut says. That's way easier than juggling 17 books, right? It's so much easier. So number one, don't read so much and ask one person. Find one person or several, but like keep it small. Keep the information limited because there are so many ways to do this. There's so many ways to take care of babies. And you will only know

your right way when you do it and when your gut tells you that it's cool. Or you're going to realize that there are a dozen different ways that you could do something and they're all going to turn out perfectly fine. So stop reading so much. Okay? Just close the book. Close a book. Go get a really creamy cup of coffee and let's move on. Number two, you'll want to throw your baby at least once. it's the scary thing I have said this probably in bad timing to some new parents

who actually weren't parents yet they just were still cooking their baby and I said I just wanted to let you know that when you feel that urge to throw your baby against the wall don't be afraid it's very normal

and their faces were afraid but of me like they were super afraid of me like how dare you and then of course they have their kid and a few months later, they're like, oh my gosh, you were so right. If you, you're going to want to throw your baby. I wish someone had told me you're going to want to throw your baby, probably more than once.

I was actually talking to a friend of mine last week, and she has not had that moment yet. Her son is five or six months old, and she's like, I know it's coming, but it hasn't happened yet. That's wonderful. You don't have to walk around on pins and needles wondering, like, when am I going to want to throw my baby? I think it's just important to know that you will. Now here's the thing. Wanting to does not make you a bad parent. It just makes you a parent. That's what happens. Doing it is what makes you a bad parent. That's the difference. I'm so glad the first time that this happened to me when Sam was a baby and Sam was a really, really hard baby, cried all the time and didn't sleep. It was the worst. And I was just going insane. I felt myself going mad. And so I called my best friend and I was like, I just wanted to throw him across the room. I'm sobbing, right?

I just literally wanted to throw him to make him stop. And she said, did you do it? And I was like, well, no, of course not. She said, well, you're fine then. That's so normal. And because she was so chill and calm about it, it diffused my panic and my self-hatred. All the loathing started to dissipate because someone was calm for me and told me the truth. So I'm doing that now for you.

It's okay. You're going to want to do it. Just don't do it. And everything will be fine. Number three. You don't have to have a baby book. You don't have to do it. You don't have to have monthly photos that you stage with like one month old, two months old.

Now, if you want to do those things, do them. Do them with gusto. Get all the stickers and the letterful boards. Do it all, man. Like you do what makes you come alive. But if that kind of thing stresses you out, And then you get to the baby's like four months and five days old and you didn't take the four month picture and the proper onesie.

It's like, oh, what's the point? If you know that that's going to be your reaction, just don't do it. Just take pictures when you want to and share them if you want to. If you want to write down when your baby's first step was, what their first word was, those are wonderful things. I didn't do that with any of my kids. I don't even, people are like, so when did Ben start walking? I'm like, I don't remember Ben until he was two.

Like, I literally have no memories, which is, I understand, could be kind of a terrible thing. But I really don't have like this huge vault of memories of Ben when he was a baby. I have a couple of little things. But Ben had a blood infection when he was two weeks old and was in the hospital for several days in the ICU. It was terrifying. And then after that, he had, he was severely jaundiced and had to be on one of those light there. P blankets for 23 hours a day. Are you people joking? And I had a two-year-old. I had an insane two-year-old. Sam came out crazy and he still is. Today he actually is out, or the day I'm

recording this, he is out with his dad and his brother at an amusement park. And I'm surprised the kids slept last night because he was so excited. And this morning I said, hey, buddy, I just want to remind you that it's a good idea for you to kind of, um, remember that not everybody else might want to stay as long as you do. He said, yeah, I have a lot of energy. It's like, yeah, like all the time. So he has not changed. But the point is when he was two and I had a new baby who had like really intense medical

problems in the beginning and was just trying to survive, I don't remember a whole lot about Ben when he was little. I remember a lot of him now and he is because he's, you know, around all the time. and I love him with all my heart. But I don't have a baby book. I don't have notations of when those special things happened. But that does not mean, number one, that I'm a bad mother. And number two, that I don't care about him.

Neither of those things are true. Just because I don't have it written down and, you know, in a cloth covered book doesn't make it a lie. So if you stress out the thought of keeping baby books of doing those regular photos, just don't do them. It's really, really, really okay. So that's number three. Number four. Watch or read a story. Yeah, watch or watch something like a series or read a series in the beginning in those early days.

Like you're going to be feeding your baby, whether you're nursing or doing bottles. There are going to be many hours where you're just sitting there feeding this precious little thing. And you may be the kind of mother that embraces that so fully and you just stare long and into your baby's face the whole time. I know I have friends who are that way and it's beautiful. I'm not that way. Like it's sweet and I'm like, hey, you doing good? Okay, let's read something on the Kindle or watch something on my Netflix app. But one of the things that is so fun is to have a series that you can watch or read in those early days. Sam, I watched the office. Every time we nursed, I watched the office. And so when I hear that theme song, I think.

think of Sam as a baby and it makes me happy. With Ben, when I was nursing him, it was Friday night lights. It was the first time I had seen Friday night lights and I watched it all on my phone. But that show is directly connected to Ben as a baby. I love it. Annie, it was Veronica Mars. I watched Veronica Mars and phone love with Logan. It's fine. But now, whenever I see Veronica Mars, other than being like, Logan, I think, Annie, like there's a connection there, which is really lovely. So if you don't want to watch something that's totally fine. I would say read a book, but you might read a book in a few days. So pick a series. Reread a series that you will love or try one that you have been meaning to read for a long time. If it's kid, it has kids in it, that's even better. Like if you want

to read or reread, Harry Potter. Oh my goodness. On your phone. Or in your hand, if you have like crazy strong fingers, those are really thick books. I would recommend one of my favorite One of my favorite series ever is The Wing Feather Saga by Andrew Peterson. The first book for me is a little bit, and for others I know, it is a little bit hard to get into, but the entire story, it's four books. Oh my goodness, you guys, it's so good. And it's little kids. You could choose Narnia.

You could choose anything. You could choose anything you want. But there's something really, really special about connecting your baby's first. days to investing yourself in some sort of series because you're creating like almost parallel memories. You're getting to watch or read something you're excited about and kind of invest in this long game story. And that also is going to forever be connected to this kid that you love. It's really a cool thing. And I wish someone, actually, I did it and I want other people to know that. I kind of, I didn't know it would be as important as it was, as valuable as it was when I started doing it.

I wish someone had been like, hey, this is going to be awesome. Pick really good things. But I'm going to tell you now, choose that. Choose a show or a series and watch or read it in those early days. It's a really sweet thing. Number five, you're going to mess up over and over again. You will mess up over and over again. So the sooner that you know that, the sooner, the easier on yourself you are when you actually screw up, right? when you clip the tip of your baby's finger, when you're trying to cut her nails, happens all the time with every kid. And it's tragic and heartbreaking and you want to crawl in a hole. But if you expect, not like, I'm not saying like when you go and clip your kid's finger,

like just so you know, honey, I'm going to cut off a piece of your skin today. Like, you know, you want to try and be careful around the nail. But my point is, you're going to mess up. Like, it is going to happen. So just go ahead and not just happen once. It's going to happen a mulatto whole times. So if you can just go ahead and prepare yourself for that, be like, all right, I'm going to do my best job at loving this baby and being here for this baby. But I'm not always going to do a perfect job.

I'm not always going to do a mediocre job. You're going to fail. And the sooner that you accept that you're going to fail, the more gracious you are with yourself when you do. Number six. Onzies can be pulled off downward. Like you don't have to pull them up over their head. Now you may think, like, why does that matter? When you have a blowout diaper, it super matters because that poop gets in their hair when you try to pull it over their head.

And they're all like wiggling and writhing and it's this whole thing. But you know how the shoulders of onesies have that like little folded split fabric thing? That is so you can pull them down. over their shoulders and then pull them off their waist where they are already covered in their own crap like it is when someone told me that you can do that i was like i'm sorry why is this not written on the package of the onesies why is no one shouting this from the rooftops there should be someone stationed at every single onesie rack at target to be like hey just so you know you can pull these off downward so number six super important pull those onesies

once he's off properly when they're covered in poop. RBC Training Ground has discovered potential in over 20,000 Canadian athletes and counting. Your story could be next. If you've got the drive, they'll help you find your path to the Olympics. Let's see what you've got. Sign up for free at rbc trainingground.ca. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life,

whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Number seven. Some kids don't sleep. Like, they just don't. I mean, they do, but they really don't.

my oldest, the one who has all the energy. So he really, he didn't sleep. He would nap. If I got 15 minutes out of him, it was a victory. And I say this not to make you go, oh, good, Kendra. Thanks for giving me so much hope for my own kid. It's not that. I'm just trying to prepare you that it's not about you doing anything right or wrong.

Some kids just don't need as much sleep. And some books will tell you that. I am wrong. And that's fine. That's totally fine. Some of those people are like super educated about this. But I have lived through my kids and I've talked to other people who have kids who aren't very good sleepers and they continue to not be good sleepers. I've done all the things, all the routines going down at the exact same time. All of that stuff. Sam just doesn't need as much sleep like ever. He just doesn't need as much sleep. And he functions fine. So if your kid isn't sleeping, you might want to try a few things to see if you can help that kid's sleep, especially if their

temperament is like terrible. And you can tell like, oh, you're so tired. Why can't we get you to sleep? But Sam hardly ever had that temperament. He just would go and go and go and go and go. And I'm like, dude, you slept four hours less than night. Like what, where is this motor coming from? And that's how he is now. Like, y'all, he still will wake up around 5 or 5.30 and just be rare to go. Fortunately, We invested in one of those alarm clocks that lights up. It can be an alarm. We don't treat it like an alarm because he is his own alarm, but it lights up at 6.30 and he cannot get out of bed until the light comes on. That was a magical invention and changed our lives. But the whole point is, please don't. Please don't blame yourself if your kid is not a good sleeper. If their attitude is still fine, if they're still functioning fine, it could be that they're just a kid who doesn't need it as much. And I'm really sorry about that. but sometimes it happens. Number eight, you will never feel so exhausted, but you will make it. There are some days where you're like, if I don't close my eyes, I'm going to sob and die.

And those days happen. And those are the days that you go, okay, you're watching a show. It's just happening. And you turn on the show and you put the kid next to you on the couch and you lie down and you close your eyes for 15 minutes. And then you wake up like, man, I wish it was 15 hours longer than that. but I'll take it. You're going to be so tired. Some of you aren't. Some babies are really easy. They're very regular. They are very malleable. But for the most part, raising a baby, taking care of a little baby is exhausting to the point where you think you're going to die.

Like literally, you're like, I don't think I can, I don't think I can function anymore. I don't think I can move. I'm not sure what to do here. But you will make it. You will make it to the next day. you will get comfortable enough asking for help to make it to the next day. Your kid will change and suddenly, like last night, Annie still, Annie turns, she just turned one, which is why I'm talking about babies, because I'm like, nostalgic, I guess. And she just turned one and she still wakes up a couple times a night to nurse. And she technically shouldn't be.

And we can, you know, start to kind of teach her to get away from that. I just don't have the energy to do that right now. But it'll happen. so I realize it's like partly my own issue. Except last night, y'all, she didn't wake up until five in the morning. Are you joking? I got a whole night's sleep last night. And it was magical and just very sudden.

I didn't do anything different. She didn't do anything different. It just happened. And sometimes that will happen. We're going to be so tired and then your kid will magically misofeating. And it's great. So just know you will be really tired, but you will make it. You will make it.

and you're going to get super good at asking for help. Number nine, someone will always disagree with you. No matter what you decide, someone is always going to disagree with you. So just go ahead and be prepared for that. You're not going to make everybody happy with how you choose to raise your baby. The way that it comes out too is the person goes, oh, are you not fill in the blank? Are you not swaddling? Oh, are you not co-sleeping?

Oh, are you not breastfeeding? Like, that's how it always comes out. That's a person who goes, oh, she's doing it wrong. Guess what? You're not. You're not. And neither is she. There are multiple ways to take care of a baby.

Like, infinite, infinite ways. So please, for the love, just go ahead and know that just because you're doing it differently from somebody else doesn't mean you or she are doing, is doing it, are doing it. Neither of you are doing it wrong. You're just not, okay? So just know that someone is always going to disagree with you. that does not mean that your choice is a bad choice. Number 10.

A pre-baby body is not a badge of honor. Okay? It's not. Now, I realize that this is, you know, this is a tricky subject. It really is. And there are lots of things that have been written about this. There are lots of perspectives on this. Here's the thing, though, you can't have a pre-baby body because you can't go back to before you had a kid.

You know, like your body's going to change. We all know this. It's fine. But there is this inner drive for a lot of us, whether we actually do the actions to try to get our stomach gone, you know, to get rid of our baby belly or whatever it is. And then others who want it to be gone, but we don't actually do anything to make it happen. Either way, here's what ends up happening. If you continue to want your pre-baby body, when you are starting to resent being a mother,

which will happen, almost certainly, at least once, when you have that feeling like, why did I do this, why I even have kids? And then you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Because a lot of times you might be hiding in the bathroom when you say these things. Just fair warning. That's a bonus pick of things I wish I knew that I hide in the bathroom when I'm about to lose it. So you might already be in the proximity of a full-length mirror and you think, oh man, why did I do this? Why did I have these kids? And then you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and this body that has birthed a baby and has not looked the way that it used to or the way that you wish it did. And then you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. And then you catch a glimpse of yourself in the And then not only do you resent the motherhood, but you start to resent yourself because your body is a physical representation of what you have brought into the world.

It's showing you day in and day out that you are a mother because your body looks like you are a mother. And rather than seeing that is a negative thing, perhaps we can just start to be gracious with ourselves and see that as a positive thing. My body shows that I'm a mother and I work damn hard to get that baby out or I work. damn hard to take care of that baby now. It's okay. It's okay. You do not have to have a pre-baby body. And if you do, it is not a badge of honor. This is why I always want to encourage people when they see a new mom to not say, wow, you look great. What translation is, you're so skinny or whatever it is. Instead, please say, you look beautiful. Because no matter what their size, where they are, in comparison to where they were, they're still beautiful.

beautiful and you can say that and speak it with truth and they can receive that much differently. Imagine if you were told you look beautiful versus well you look great. Those are two very, very different things. Okay. So your pre baby body, pre baby body tongue twister is not a badge of honor. All right. We've got two more. Number 11. Don't treasure every moment. Glenn and Doyle Melton wrote the most viral post about this ever. It was called don't carpe diem. She basically wrote about this, how, you know, those sweet old ladies and Target will say, I'd love every single second of having my babies and treasure every moment. And you're like, no, that is way too stressful. Some of these moments are terrible.

And I'm just going to tell you that now. And I wish that someone had told me that then. Because I read her post when Sam was like three or four. And it changed my life. I was like, oh, thank you. I'm so glad someone said these words because I felt like I wasn't a good mother because I did not treasure every moment. some of the moments I wanted to burn from my memory. So don't treasure every moment.

It's okay. It's okay because some of these moments are really, really hard. I'm going to put the link to that post in these show notes. The show notes for today are the lazy genius collective.com slash lazy slash baby. So I'll put that and a few other things there, but it is such a great, it is a beautiful, beautiful post. There's a reason that it went like insanely viral. All right. And number 12. Accept free food at any time.

I'm going to repeat this. Number 12. Accept free food at any time. If someone says, can I bring you dinner? Don't you dare feel guilty? Don't you dare think, well, I could make dinner. Don't even think like, well, I have some food marinating. Or I already pulled something out of the freezer. Put it back in the freezer. Or freeze what the person brings you under no circumstances.

says, do you hear me? Do not turn down free food ever because it will save you. When you have a little baby trying to figure out what to have for dinner is just too stressful. Some of you are able to make it work better than others, better than me. But it can be really hard adjusting to that new schedule and also having to feed yourself and whoever else lives in your house. So if free food comes your way, you take it. You say thank you. This is amazing. I love you so much. I love you so much. and then shut the door and eat that food. So good. P.S. bonus. If you take food to a new mom or new parents, I'm going to be harsh here. Drop off the food and then leave. Okay. Now, here's the thing. I have wonderful friends who will bring me food and they will stay. And it is actually

really, really lovely. But you don't always know if that person is going to stay or not. And you might want to you might not want to have conversations with people right then you might not want to do it so if you are going to bring food to someone say from the beginning can i bring you dinner and hold your baby for 20 minutes say that so the person knows what to expect or say can i drop dinner off and then leave or i can hold your baby so you can go take a nap or whatever it is but please don't assume that what you expect to happen is what the new parents expectation is as well they could be very did very different and new mothers are very hormonal and don't always know how to say things raciously and they already feel kind of wonky, right? So please just be sensitive to that gift of free food

and I realize you're like, I'm bringing them free food. I can stick around if I want to. You're, you're right, you can, but you're bringing them food for them, right? It's about them. It's about new parents. It's not about you. You're going to have lots of time to see that baby. You can, you can say, can I stay, or you can say, I'm going to bring you food. I would love to come by another time and hold the baby. And the person could say, hey, why don't you just stay? You can stay for a little bit then, or they can say, you give them the freedom to say, I would love that. Let's plan something next week or whatever it is. Okay. So just be sensitive. Bring the food. Be aware that you might not need to stay. Got it? Cool. Okay. So,

Those are the 12 things I wish I knew before I had babies. And the payoff for this is you get to be a mom, which is lovely, but you also feel a little bit more like a person because you're not putting so many expectations on yourself. So it's nice to know, it's nice to know these things. Okay, before we go, I want to tell you if you want this list, like print it out, you can go to the lazy genius collective.com slash zero one. because this is episode 18 and you can get this printed out. I would love to share that with you and you can print it out and you can like give it to new moms and say go listen to this podcast

episode or just say read these things or just say you're beautiful here's some dinner bye like just use this as like cliff notes for taking care of new moms and then the show notes like I said are at the lazy genius collective.com slash lazy slash baby and I also want to let you know that this week on the blog. I have written a post called The Baby Stuff I'd Rescue and a Fire. It's all my favorite things that I've had for Annie this past year and her first dear little year of life. And so those are on the blog if you want to check out that list. Okay, before we go, the lazy genius tip of the week. This one's a little bit strange, but I'm going to share it anyway because it's been kind of life changing the last couple weeks for my family. I would like for you to consider

investing in a record player. And when I say invest, I don't mean, like, like some crazy $800 thing. They make them for way cheaper. But there is something about having a record player. I'm not, you don't have to be a hipster. We are not at all. Like, this is not that. But there's something really sweet and real and analog about having a record player

in the room where you live the most, especially if you have kids around. But not exclusively. We bought the La La Land record on vinyl, like the soundtrack or whatever, a couple weeks ago and we played every single day and the boys dance and they love it and it's so fun we only have like eight or nine records and all of them except for well except for two la la la land and another one um an album by s carry i'll put a link to that in the show notes too because it's so beautiful um but the rest of them were just gifts like old records that people have so we have an old james taylor an old simon and garfunkel um like the soundtrack from gji you remember that movie from a million years ago

So we don't even really listen to all of them. So it's not that you need this intense record collection, but there is something extremely life-giving, at least for our family, about having a record player in our living room. So if your family likes music, if you're home bodies and you want to experience life in a new way,

keep an eye out for a record player at yard sales this summer and just see what happens. Okay, that's it for today. I'm so glad you guys are here every single time I hear from you about how these episodes have meant something to you. I mean, it's just, it's the best. It's just the best. So I'm so grateful that you guys listen.

If you want to leave a review, that would be amazing because it helps other people find the show easier. So you can leave a review on iTunes. That would be great. I mean, hopefully it's a nice one. If it's not, that's okay too. But I would appreciate that. And then other listeners and future listeners would as well.

All right, guys, that's it for today. Be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. See you next week. Have you ever felt like you are living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life? Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.