The Lazy Genius Podcast - #196 - How to Lazy Genius Adult Screen Time

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

I love my iPhone. I love my apps. I love Instagram. I love it all! And because we love it, we’re on it a lot, and while that is not a universally bad thing, you might desire a better relationship with your smartphone. There are no universal rules or truths or any of it when it comes how you use your phone. You get to decide what matters. You get to decide how to do your own screen time, and I’m going to share some Lazy Genius principles that you can apply to make your phone enhance your life the way that you want it to. Helpful Companion Links Order a copy of The Lazy Genius Way (affiliate link) My IGTV on how to make time for what matters or you can find all the Lazy Genius Instagram things here @thelazygenius Download a transcript of this episode This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Amazon presents, Laura versus Fruitflies. Swarming your fruit and terrorizing your kitchen, these little freaks multiply at a rate that would make a rabbit say, yo. Chill. But Laura shopped on Amazon and saved on cleaning spray, countertop wipes, and fly traps. Hey, fruit flies, your baby boom ends here. Save the Everyday with Amazon. Hi there. You're listening to the Lazy Genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 196. How to Lazy Genius Adult Screen Time, specifically on your phone. Before we get into any of it, this is not going to be a throw your phone in the ocean episode. I love my iPhone. I love my apps. I love Instagram. I love it all. And because we love it,

we're on it a lot. And while that is not a universally bad thing, you might desire a different relationship with your smartphone than you have now. You might want to have some clearer limits around what matters to you. So I don't want you to turn this off right away because you think I'm going to shame you for using your phone. I very much am not going to do that. There are no enemies here. There are no universal rules or truths or any of it when it comes to how you use your phone. You get to decide what matters. You get to decide how to do your own. screen time. And I'm going to share some lazy genius principles that you can apply to make your phone enhance your life the way that you want it to. End of story. No internet shaming allowed. Also, this episode

is going to be just a tad longer than usual just because we get really practical. There's a lot of words I want to say. So I hope that every single minute of this is helpful to you. All right. Where do we begin, fam? Always in the same place. Always. We begin with what matters. You get to name what matters about how you use your phone. Now, a perspective that will likely help you name what matters to you, because, you know, we all have different things that matter to us. Let's talk about why screen time and phone usage is something we think about anyway. Like, what's the problem? There could be several. And by listing these, I'm not saying they should be problems for you, that they are problems for you, any of it. These are just some potential problems for the general

phone-using population. First problem is you don't want to be on it too much. Well, how's that for specific? If you have read my book The Lazy Genius Way, you know all about the moving finish line. We have been taught to seek after an ideal life, an ideal way of looking and living and making choices. And the phone super falls into that. We don't want to be on it, quote, too much. But what too much. Is there a rule for too much? Because if there's not, you have no way of measuring this thing you think you're supposed to measure. You're simply looking at other people and comparing your usage to theirs. Now, the problem with that, most importantly, I think, is that the times we feel the most drawn to comparison in a negative way where we are telling ourselves that we are,

in fact, on our phones too much, is when we see something that someone else has posted on the internet. For example, someone says they are taking a break from social media for a while. And you're like, oh man, maybe I should take a break from social media. And then you realize that you read that while on social media. But you also forgot that the person had to go on social media to post it. The same is true. This is a little more nuanced. but the same is true when we see a photo that someone is posted of, let's say, like a mom and her kids playing outside. You think to yourself, man, I'm the worst because right now I'm on my phone and I'm not outside with my kids like she is. And then you start shame spiraling all the while forgetting that the mom did in fact go on the internet to post that picture.

Right? We sort of forget the fact that like we're shamed by things that are on the internet from people who had to go on the internet. from people who had to go on the internet. Now, I'm not saying that moms who post pictures of playing with their kids outside are lying. I've done it plenty of times. I've posted those pictures. Trees and children are very pretty to look at on Instagram. They make your top nine look amazing.

But I'm just reminding you to not forget a very important piece of your comparative puzzle here. The very person you are comparing yourself to and making you telling yourself that you feel bad about being on the internet too much was also on the internet. to post the picture that's making you feel bad about being on the internet. We just all need to be kinder to ourselves about that. So that is the first hang up with adult screen time, is you don't want to be on your phone too much. But since there are no clear rules of what that looks like,

you always feel like you're doing it wrong. You always feel like you're on your phone too much, which is why a lot of people don't know what else to do, but metaphorically throw their phone in the ocean and give it all up. All or nothing. When you don't live by lazy genius principles, it's usually all or nothing. Go big or go home. Try hard or give up. There's not a lot of space in between. But the space in between is where we pretty much all are, right? Okay. Next possible hang up. Your phone takes you away from other things that you enjoy doing. I shared this on IGTV a few weeks ago at the start of the new year, I guess. where I realized that when I open Instagram, I'm usually on it for like a solid 10 minutes, at least 10, even for just like a lazy check-in where I'm just bored, right?

I'm just on Instagram, which isn't bad. It's not bad at all. For me, the thing is, I would rather read a book than be on Instagram 85% of the time or so. So when I did the math, and this is what I shared in that video, I realized that I spent enough Lazy time on Instagram to read something like an extra 26 books a year, which is ridiculous. And also kind of amazing that there is that much time waiting for me to do something I really love. So I share that to name the importance of this particular hang up. There is likely something that you would rather be doing than checking your phone and scrolling as your first choice, right?

as the thing that you do lazily rather than intentionally. So what a great thing to see that and name it and possibly create some permission for yourself to do the thing you really genuinely like doing more than you like being on your phone, at least most of the time. That's a legitimate hang up. So that's hang up number two. Hang up number three. It is the very real mental health aspect of being on your phone.

Now, depending on your personality, your story, your current season of life, your current mental health, and what you actually consume when you're on your phone, your screen time could very much contribute to struggling mental health and stress. Maybe it's the news. Maybe you take in a lot of news. Maybe it's that comparison thing, we already talked about. Maybe it's simply that your brain doesn't handle more than a certain number of hours looking at a screen before you start to feel off and kind of squirrelly. It could even be physical health too, even as I say that last bit. For me, my eyes start hurting. If I've been on my phone, what would be too much for me? Now, I know it's too much because my eyes hurt. I don't know what the

number of hours are, but my eyes hurt. And I don't want my eyes to hurt. So it's simply paying attention how the time and how you spend the time impacts your mental health and maybe even your physical health. That's a legitimate concern in talking about adult screen time. We're all different with it. but it's a challenge for some people. And the final hang up, and again, this is very much not an exhaustive list, but it's just a helpful place for us to start. The last hang up we'll talk about here is the fact that you like being on the internet or being on your phone, right?

And then remembering that most apps and websites and all of that, they are designed for you to like them and designed to keep you there. That's where some people would disagree with me about, universal rules and truths and internet shaming because they see the foundational design of the internet as purposefully addictive. In order for apps and sites and all of that to make money, they need eyes, right? They need a lot of eyes and or they need the eyes to stay for as long as possible. That's why Instagram has the like, in case you missed it feature or the accounts you might like because you've hit the end of your scroll and they're like, no, no, no, don't leave yet. It's still pretty. It's still so

pretty here, don't go. And if you're right now like the end of my scroll, what are you talking about? We're going to get to that a second. But a real genuine concern here is that your relationship with the internet and your phone is literally designed to keep you on it more. So when you feel bad about how much time you spend, I want you to remember that it's not as simple as just putting down your phone. We're kind of legitimately addicted. So it's not about willpower. If it matters to you to change, even in the tiniest ways, which as we know as lazy geniuses are the best ways that stick, if it matters to change your relationship with your screen time, it is vital for you to know that you're working against a very stacked opponent here.

So your routines and your house rules and all of it, which we'll talk about in a second, they need to take that into account. They need to take into account that the internet is created to make you stay. I also want you to be kinder to yourself and not just be like, I'm the worst. I can't even put my phone now. Like, congratulations. You're a human being who is like the rest of us at the mercy of machines bigger than we are. Right. So gentleness, gentleness, everyone with ourselves and each other. Okay, so now what? These are some big challenges. How do we lazy genius this?

I am so glad you asked. So I have four principles that we're going to dive into to apply to this. And if you're like, where are these principles from, Kendra? They are from The Lazy Genius Way, a book I wrote and released in August of 2020. It is a book of 13 lazy genius principles that you can apply to literally anything to help you embrace what matters, ditch what doesn't, and get stuff done. Now, it was a New York Times bestseller, you guys. I'm trying to get better at saying that without being embarrassed about it or apologizing for it, like that it happened by accident or something, but it happened.

It's really hard to get on that list. And the fact that so many of you have bought it and read it and shared it. Obviously, in that first week it released, that's why it got the attention it did. And it's a really helpful book. I would not tell you about it and waste your time. If I didn't think it would help you, I would just ignore that I wrote it and walk away. So that's where these principles come from. I'm using four of them to lazy genius our adult screen time. And you can use any of them that you want that impact your own life. That's really how you can lazy genius anything. You just run your challenge or your question or your pain point through the principles and see which ones land really well and the ones that offer some help and hope and ideas that can get you moving in a direction that helps you based on what matters to you.

Okay. So we're going to lazy genius adult screen time with these four principles. Our four principles are essentialize, house rules, build the right routines, and be kind to yourself. Those are the four we're using here. You can apply any of them, though. Now, before we apply any principles, you have to name what matters. In just talking about all those potential challenges, maybe some things have come to mind for you about what matters to you about your phone usage. And as we talk about the principles, I'm guessing that clarity will continue to take shape. But it's really hard to apply principles to a situation when you don't know yet what matters most. So keep that in mind as we talk. If you don't already know,

eventually it's important for you to know, to know what matters most to you about this. Principle number one, essentialize. Essentializing is getting rid of what does not support what matters to you. For example, let's talk about my time on Instagram. A couple of things matter to me. One is that I use Instagram for my business for this community in a way that serves you well, right? I want to give you encouragement and permission and tips and systems and maybe a little entertainment sometimes, while also not having it consume my life.

Just because Instagram is a huge part of my business doesn't mean I want it to be a huge part of my daily time, right? Now, I also like using Instagram just as a person, consuming it not as a business owner, but just as Kendra, right? And what matters to me is that I feel good and happy when I'm using it and when I'm done. I'm learning, I'm laughing, I'm saying people that I know in real life, share their lives. Any account that does not do that for me needs to go. It is not essential. Now, a way to do that is not to like necessarily unfollow someone, mostly because we're like, we really feel bad about it, especially if it's someone we know, like your college best friend to know you're like, I cannot with you right now with this account. It's stressing me out.

So I'm going to unfollow you. Like you can't do that. I mean, you can. Actually, that's a not true. You totally can, but we don't, we feel weird about doing that, right? Especially since some accounts are for certain seasons and not for others. It's not that it's a wash and you're like, I'm out forever. So what you do is you mute, you mute. You might not have known this was a thing, but you can mute an accounts posts, their stories, or both. Some people I have just muted on one thing because I want to keep up with them, but I don't need both things. Or you can mute. both, whatever. The account does not know. No one can see mutes and you're still following them, which also helps when your circumstances change and you want back in, right? You can look at who you

follow and click on those three little dots and unmute whatever was muted. So I will go through seasons of excessive muting, lots of muting. I'm in one right now because I wrote a book real fast and because I'm just like generally overwhelmed my life, I don't want Instagram to overwhelm me more. So I have essentialized my feed. I have muted every account that does not bring a very high level of joy. That doesn't mean it's all funny. It's joy and not stress. If I feel even the tiniest bit anxious that this person has like a lot of story panels. And I just really can't. I can't. with all the dots in their story. I'll just mute the story. I'll keep the feedposts going, but I'll mute. Like any twinge of, it gets a mute. I'm essentializing. I am removing what is in the way.

If enjoyment and a huge lack of stress matter most, I get rid of everything that's in the way of that. Does that mean that someone's story or someone's post is bad because I'm unmuting it? No. Is this like a moral valuation? No. Is this mean that this person is not doing their job well? No, it just means it's not for me right now. It's not for you right now. And that is okay. We get to make those choices. Now, you can apply this principle of essentializing in a lot of ways. Maybe you essentialize your apps. You know, maybe you get rid of ones that are just not really supporting you right now, or you move them to a folder on their own, on a different screen or something. Maybe you take cellular data into consideration. Maybe you turn it off to a number of your apps so that you actually. do read in carpool line instead of lately being on Instagram and then you're like,

I thought that was three minutes. It was actually 23 minutes and I didn't read anything. My kids coming to the car, you know. Essentialize. Get rid of what's in the way of what matters. RBC Training Ground has discovered potential in over 20,000 Canadian athletes and county. Your story could be next. If you've got the drive, they'll help you find your path to the Olympics. Let's see what you've got. Sign up for free at rBC training ground.ca. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces

can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. next principle house rules a house rule is a rule that you choose that essentially keeps the line of dominoes from falling it's like putting a limit around that first decision that might eventually lead you to be sitting in the carpool line with every intention to read and then being like wait what happened what i didn't read what happened what did the time go it's like the insurance policy against that Wait, what happened? So for your phone, you can create some house rules. Here are some of mine to help you think through yours if you so choose to make one. House rule number one for me, only check email when you have

time or energy to reply. So my Gmail app is one that is in that string of apps that I often will open automatically. You know, you kind of like hopscotch from one to the other and then back again. I don't want to do that, mostly because it takes time away from what matters more. But also, I forget stuff. If I check my email, but I don't have time to reply and I don't remember to go back and mark it unread, I forget about it. And then I'm overwhelmed by a neglected inbox. Dominoes, right? So the first house rule is only check email when you have time or energy to reply.

And it keeps all those dominoes from falling. House rule number two for me is very similar. Only listen to Voxes when you have time to respond. Voxer is like a almost like a walkie-talkie app where you leave voice messages. You can leave pictures and texts and stuff too, but I love that you can leave voice messages. Some of you might use Marco Polo or some kind of app that keeps you in touch with people. And listen, that matters. Voxer has been a lifeline to me for years, but especially this past year because I can still

keep up with my people when we feel separated. Also, I keep up with people who don't live near me and we can still be part of each other's lives, right? It's so great. I love having Voxer. but if I listen to a Vox without having time to respond, it gets lost. I forget it's there because you cannot mark Voxes unlistened to. Once you hit play, it's over. The little red number one is gone, right? And while I can relisten to remember what the person said,

and this kind of sounds bad, but that wastes my time. Not in the sense that I'm like, oh, friend, your words are wasting my time. But if what matters is connection, I'd really like to listen when I can respond so that I don't forget the person or have to cram in another listen and then have a shorter rushed response to them because I forget all the things that got said, right? So house rule number two, only listen to Voxer when I have time to respond. My third house rule is to read books on my Kindle paperwhite instead of on the Kindle app on my phone. Now I read a lot of physical copies of books. That's my. is like my primary, my favorite. But it's also really nice to be able to read ebooks for,

you know, those on the go times. Now, I choose a paper white over my Kindle app. The reason for this is probably obvious, but if I'm on my phone, it's easier to click through the apps and stop to check stuff and get texts and all the things. I get distracted. But by reading on my paperwhite, which is only for books, I can still read on the go, but I'm less beholden to notifications and temptations, especially ones that would take me away from the very thing that I really love, like, kind of the most. I mean, I love my family more than I love reading, but like I really, really, I really love reading. So those are my main house rules about my own screen time. Now, a way to get help in setting your own house rules is to use the screen time function on your

smartphone. You can set time limits for certain apps. Your phone will turn off at a certain time. You can get reports, which sometimes is good and sometimes not, depending on how you feel about seeing your numbers, if the numbers make you feel bad. But if you look at those metrics as just information around what matters to you, it can really help. You've already removed the arbitrary too much time thing, right? We've done that. So whatever number is on that report every week, it just tells you how you've spent your time. And you can decide based on how you feel physically or mentally or how much you've been to, able to dedicate to what matters that week or whatever, you can use that screen time number,

that report, to see if your desires are lining up with what's actually happening. It's not a shaming thing. It's not even really a measuring thing. It's just taking a pulse, right? It doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to have moral value. That's what gets you into trouble. So the screen time function on your phone, it actually sort of brings your phone in on your house rules, right? You're inviting your phone into being like, these are my house rules. And you set them. And then, then your phone reminds you of them. Some other house rules that you could consider are using a timer when you open an app. Maybe you're like, I want to spend 10 minutes catching up on Instagram or however much time you want. But before you open the app, you set a timer on your phone for 10 minutes. And when it goes off,

you're done for now, right? You chose what you wanted. And your house rule is setting a timer. And that helps you not lose track of time and then get behind on the next thing or whatever. whatever is in your line of dominoes that you want to keep upright. Another house rule idea could be taking a day off your phone each week or a night off each week or just deciding after a long day that you don't want to be on it right now. Right? You just say, I'm going to turn my phone off now. Or I'm going to go ahead and plug it into the charger by my bed and then come back to the living room and read my book or play a game with somebody or watch Shits Creek or knit or whatever it is that does not require your phone. It doesn't have to be set in stone or all.

or nothing or every Thursday I don't use my phone. Because what happens when the next Thursday rolls around and a friend of yours is doing something cool online that you want to watch or you have more time to catch up on boxes than usual or something like that? Like you don't, and then you feel bad because you're like, but it's Thursday and I need to stick with Thursday. Like you don't have to set this in stone. Try and create house rules that work with you, not against you. Okay, so we've applied essentialize house rules. Now, let's talk a little bit about building the right routine, our third lazy genius

principle for this. As a reminder, if you have not read the lazy genius way, the purpose of a routine is not the step by step. It is not doing the same five things in the same order just because. The point of a routine is where you're wanting to go. The routine is an on-ramp to something that matters, right? It's preparing you for something that matters. And you can prepare lots of different ways to go in the same direction.

So in light of that, if it matters to you to not lose track of time on your phone in the morning, let's say. Especially when, like if you're getting up a few minutes before everyone else, if that's your thing, to just be alone and recharge. or get ready for the day or whatever, if you, quote unquote, waste that time by being on your phone and you lose focus on what matters more, like what you were getting up for in the first place, you could create a routine or an on-ramp that leads you in the direction of filling up and recharging. And if the phone keeps you from that keeps you from filling up and recharging, your routine would benefit from keeping the phone out of it. So for example, are you in the habit, I'm in this habit, are you in the habit of looking at your phone first thing in the morning when you wake up? I mean, I do often. My alarm goes off to get me up before my crew because I like that. There's nothing magical about early mornings. I just like it. I like to read in the morning. I like experiencing some quiet. But if my routine is to check my email first, I'm stutter stepping in the direction that matters. I'm like already making the on-remend.

bumpier and harder because I'm likely going to lose track of time. I'm disobeying my own house rule of not checking email unless I have time and margin to respond, which I'm not going to have first thing in the morning. So a morning routine could include something like maybe you take your phone with you. You don't have to like ignore it or whatever. Maybe you take your phone with you to the dark kitchen to make your coffee. Your coffee is a big part of your on ramp. But you only open your phone while your coffee is brewing maybe. You know, if you, if you like the idea of checking your inbox or looking at Instagram or Facebook or whatever in the morning, you can create a natural limit for yourself within your routine to check the phone while the coffee brews, but not before or after. Something like that.

You know, it's very, very simple. A nighttime routine could be that you reset the house, you finally sit down to read the book or watch the show or have the conversation or whatever. but right now maybe you currently go off road you don't stay on that on ramp a real rest because the phone has distracted you and you lost track of time so your routine could include an alarm that goes off on your phone at a specific time you know 830 or something where that's when it's like your reminder to stop scrolling it's your reminder to stay on your on ramp there are other things that could be happening in your like wind down nighttime routine to kind of decompress after the day. It's not like a step-by-step thing.

But if the purpose of your routine of your on-ramp is to do that, don't take yourself off that direction by being distracted by your phone if your phone is, in fact, distracting. Okay, what if you want your routine around checking your phone to feel different? Maybe you don't want to feel like you're sliding down a steep, slippery slide and you're checking 15 apps in that hopscotch game because the phone is made to keep you there. Remember, it's made to keep you there. You just want to check it for the thing that you went there for. We do that all the time, right? I go to look something up, but when I open the phone, I automatically

go through the motions of checking email and Instagram and Twitter and the weather. And there's another box waiting for me and, oh, wait, what's my bank balance and like all the things? And I forgot what I originally grabbed my phone for. If that is not how you want to experience your phone, you can create a routine that keeps you from getting sucked in. Maybe you only check your phone after you've gotten kids set up with food, like lunch or snacks or something. That's when you check your phone. And you could move apps to folders or different pages to disrupt that automatic checking. So everything appealing isn't right next to each other. There are lots of ways that you can apply this that are particular to your own way of living and what matters to you. I don't want to be

prescriptive in that too much. But building the right routine can really help with how you interact with your phone, especially at specific times of the day. And finally, this one will be quick. It is to be kind to yourself. You can love your phone. You can love the internet. Everyone is different in how they interact with it. If somebody pooh-poo is the internet or says that Instagram is a waste of time or whatever, you can be kind to yourself and to that person, even if that person is a stranger and has no idea that you're reading her words. You can say, what matters to her is different than what matters to me. And that's okay. And then move on. It doesn't have to be an indictment on how you spend your time. You don't have to indict that person for choosing differently than you either,

right? We're going to be kind. Also, remember that we kind of expect a lot of ourselves when we desire or change. We expect the rhythm to happen right away. You know, you like apply a house rule. You have a morning routine that keeps your phone in the context that you want most. And it's like we have this idea that it all just has to click right away, work right away. And it just doesn't. It doesn't have to be that way. And it usually isn't. So be kind as you find your way. Just because you have a house rule, it doesn't mean you follow it every time. The principles are meant to serve you. Not the other way around. They are not your jailers. So it's all fine. Be kind. kind. It's all going to be okay. One decision, one day, one app at a time. And that's how we can

lazy genius adult screen time. So if you are wanting to look at your relationship with your phone differently, you can consider these four principles or you can consider any of the nine. I had to think about what is 13 minus four. Any of the nine others. The point is you choose what matters to you. You get to name that for yourself. And then you can apply some lazy genius principles to make it happen, one small step at a time. I hope this episode was helpful. I hope that you feel so much permission to use your phone and the internet in ways that support what matters most to you. If you are a new listener, hello, thank you for being here. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast app so that you always get the newest episodes. They always come out on Mondays. You can follow me on my favorite internet spot, Instagram, at The Lazy Genius. And you can get my book, The Lazy Genius Way, wherever you like to get books.

And yes, I do read the audiobook if audiobooks are moving. Thank you so much to all of you for being here. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that more dangerous. than a B minus or a C plus life, because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think,

okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.