The Lazy Genius Podcast - #215 - Hospitality on the Fly

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

Have you ever wished you were one of those people who could welcome anyone into your home for a meal or a hang without plans? Or maybe you’ve experienced one too many encounters where your brain forgot that your guests might need cups or need some sort of direction to really feel welcome in your space. Today, we’re talking about hospitality on the fly because summer is peak season for spontaneous hospitality. And if it matters to you, I want you to feel like you can say an enthusiastic “Yes!” when a pool day turns into an unexpected pizza night or ice cream hang or whatever. Helpful Companion Links Check out The Lazy Genius Way (affiliate link) if you’d like to read more about how I use Lazy Genius principles every day. Last week’s episode on summer meals is a great framework to think about feeding people who may not be regulars at your table Here’s the episode LG of the Week Emily mentioned in her message about reading clubs! And you can grab a guide to start your own with The Lazy Genius Way here. Download a transcript of this episode.   This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hey there, you're listening to the Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 215. Hospitality on the fly. Summer is peak season for spontaneous hospitality, but this topic applies any time of here, obviously. I think we all desire to be the kinds of people who can welcome anyone into our home for a meal or a hang without plans, right? Saying that makes me think of that new girl episode where Jess has lost her job and is working at the casserole shanty and she makes friends with like the young people in the apartment across the hall. And one of them, brory, I think, says something about a party being downgraded to a chill hang. Do you remember that? That's fine. Anyway, we all want to be ready to host a chill hang at any given time without stress. But how do we do that? also we are not going to go deep into kind of COVID related content in this episode,

but there are still restrictions in different parts of the country and the world. And there are people who are assessing their risk differently because of at-risk family members or personal choices. Basically, there are still people living with the realities of COVID. And I want to acknowledge that before we jump in like everything is back to normal when it's not for everyone. also there's something to be said for the different reentry experiences we've all had like it's only June you know our church started meeting again indoors two weeks ago it's not like we've been able to connect with people for months and months already it's very very likely that you're still skittish about gathering and you're thrown when people are not wearing masks and you're just out of

practice and you don't remember how to do hospitality things we we had friends over for Memorial Day, just two adults and a toddler, like not a crowd by any stretch. And it felt a little like I was walking through mud. My brain, my brain forgot we needed cups. Like I didn't offer people drinks until way late. The food was kind of ready, but I didn't say anything to anyone. Like, so we just kind of stood around for a few unnecessary minutes. It wasn't that it was overly awkward or anything, but it did feel in my body a bit like slow motion. Like I forgot how I could remember how to do things. It was really weird. So as you move into this episode, you just keep all those things in perspective. You might resonate with something I already said,

or you don't, and you just want a lazy genius hospitality on the fly. Either way, this episode is going to help you. Okay. First, where do we start? Guys, we start with what matters. Always, always, always. And also, as always, you get to answer that yourself, right? You get to answer are what matters most to you for yourself. I would think for most of us. My guess is hospitality is for one primary purpose. Connection. We want to connect with the people. We are inviting into our homes and make them feel welcomed and at home and able to be themselves. Now, there are different offshoots of that, right, in terms of the vibe you can set. People can be welcomed and feel themselves with different focuses like celebration.

relaxation, even ceremony. You can have fancy meals and still be hospitable with the purpose of connection. Connection does not exclude like fancy dinner parties. That is a very, very important distinction to make. But the likelihood, no matter what, is that the priority is to connect with someone else. That matters more than anything else. So when we are talking about hospitality, especially hospitality on the fly, an important. place to start is with this question. What would foster connection the most? What would foster connection the most? The answer to that, it depends on a lot of things, right? Your personality, the other person's personality, what your relationship is like, like how close you are. Who else is there? The weather,

the food you have around. There are multiple things you could consider with that question. And don't hem yourself in trying to find a certain right or wrong answer. There just, there isn't one. you decide. That's the whole point here. If you start with that question, what would foster connection the most? If you start there and you think through your particular situation in light of that question, a lot of things will make more sense. You'll see what to focus on and what to let go of. What would foster connection the most? And honestly, that's the only thing to ask when you're trying to be hospitable on the fly. Episode over. Kidding. But like almost? when you keep connection and your particular way of supporting it front and center, it puts everything else that you might worry about into perspective. Now listen, it's not that you

don't care about how your home feels or what you'll eat or what you'll talk about, right? Remember, you don't swing to the far end of lazy and pretend like you don't care about things that actually do matter. but it's so important that you remember that hospitality is not a simple formula of cook this or decorate this way or ignore this thing or ask this question to have a connective experience. It's not a formula. You can connect with someone in so many ways using things like food and decor and mood or not depending on what you have available to you, what your desires are, what kind of time you have. we complicate it by trying to get it right when there is no right. There just is. Hospitality just is. It really is

simpler than we think. And it happens when you start with connection. That is your engine. Okay. So why don't we do like a couple of quick case studies to show what this could look like? Like give you a taste of what I mean. So you can think about this a little bit more easily in your own life. okay it's it's a summer afternoon maybe it's like surprisingly cooler than usual you know it's not blistering hot so you're you are also outside with your kids your kids are playing in a sprinkler but you're out there too um the retired couple that lives two doors down comes home from something and y'all are chatting in the road the chatting doesn't end as you catch up or maybe you're getting to know each other better because you don't get a chance to talk with these neighbors

very often and you're enjoying the conversation and before long your neighbor says, well, I guess we'll head inside. I need to figure out what we're having for dinner or whatever. Now, you might have a tiny pull to invite them to eat with you and your family. That feels neighborly. It also feels really scary. But it's also something you have kind of wanted to do.

You've wanted to connect with these neighbors that are in a different life stage than you, like live practically next door. But how? How can you in this situation, how can you be hospitable so, quickly in that moment, right? I mean, your kids, they're in the yard still in their swimsuits. They're covered in, you know, wet grass. That suddenly feels like a nightmare when before it just felt like summer, right? You did decide a little, little bit earlier when the kids were playing to do a snack platter for dinner because it's getting late and it's summer and they're playing

and having a great time and you don't want to interrupt that. And like we learned in last week's episode about summer meals, there's a lot more freedom. There's a lot more freedom. in the definition of what makes a meal in the summertime. So you've already decided that. You guys are, you're going to have a snack platter. All right. So you technically have food for your crew. But do your neighbors want a snack platter?

Would that be weird to serve them like a big plate of crackers and pepperoni and apple slices and whatever you have in your house? Like that's weird, right? What was like normal and great kids outside playing and a snack platter for dinner suddenly becomes really stressful because now you're thinking. about inviting someone else into it. When you start talking yourself out of hospitality on the fly, I want you to come back to the question, what would Foster connection the most? In some cases, simply asking Foster's connection. So like in this scenario, like you could say

something like, would you like to eat with us? I was about to make a quick snack platter. You can describe a snack platter. It's like a kid, kid-friendly charcutory board, right, if you want to do that. But you could say, like, I was about to make a quick snack platter for our dinner and just round the kids up on the porch. Would you like to join us? We'd love to have you. Now, here is what might often happen. I want you to flip the script. Imagine that you are the retired couple talking to the mom of wet grassy children on the cusp of dinner time. And she invites you to come eat on her porch. what is our response to other people's invitation and hospitality on the fly oh that's fine we don't want to bother you or that's so nice of you but we don't want to impose we often turn down other people's hospitality

because we don't want to be a bother spontaneous hospitality is tough on both ends for a lot of people so i say that to encourage you that if your neighbors say no at first it doesn't mean you did it wrong You didn't ask wrong or come on too strong or they're like repulsed by your lack of grandness in the invitation. It's just hard for a lot of folks. It's just hard. Okay. So let's say that you do say, or they say, you know, we don't want to impose or, you know, whatever. Now, you could respond back by saying, you're not imposing at all.

Or you could say out loud what might be happening within everyone. And you say that out loud for the purpose of connection. So for example, you could respond. to oh we don't want to impose with it's not an imposition at all but i also just threw that on you you know you're so welcome to eat with us or if you already have food that you were going to make you know feel free to walk your dinner over to our porch and eat with us i'd love to just hang out a little longer if it's a good time for y'all and if not we'll plan something more on purpose soon you see it's you're connecting you're connecting it's not about the food the timing the kids

the asking, like right now, the way to foster connection is to simply ask, to invite. It's not even about the answer. So to recognize that it might feel a little weird to have that first shared meal, be a grassy snack potter meal on a porch, and kind of giving space with options within that, like even if they say no to that, even if they say no, you have still connected. You still made them feel welcomed and wanted. You open the door for a planned something or other down the road. Connections still happened simply by offering hospitality on the fly. If the follow-through happens and they do come and they eat crackers and pepperoni on your porch or they're bringing your own dinner over, you know, that's great too. But just notice that the asking and being honest

about what's going on, that fosters connection. P.S. to this particular example, let's say you're worried about the offering of, you know, crackers and pepperoni, that that's not enough. You're like, this is not a dinner. This will not satisfy these people. But in this particular scenario, what's the most connective thing? It's just the being together. It's the kids coming in from the sprinkler and like giving one word answers to the neighbors that they don't know very well. That might eventually morph into full sentences. who knows. It's getting in the reps with being with these people for a few minutes in a way that you don't normally, which opens the door for more of that next time. And next time will be even

easier. Now, if those neighbors walk back home, having sat with you and your family, and y'all have connected just a tiny bit more than you were before, and they go home and they're still a little hungry, guess what? They can eat some food they have in their house. Will they be upset with you for not filling their bellies? I would say 100% no. They will likely feel full of, forgive me, they're full of connection. And they're not going to care in the slightest that they're having to make a grilled cheese at 8 o'clock because they're still a little hungry. Because the point for them too is likely connection. And they got it. They got it. The rest, it just matters less. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa. Whether it's Verde,

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Okay, let's do another scenario of hospitality on the fly. You're at church on a Sunday morning. Let's say that you, let's take the kids out of this one. You're in a couple, but there are no kids. Everyone is milling after the service is over, you know, and you and let's say your husband are talking to a new person. Let's say that someone who just moved to the area for a new job, okay? You're meeting this new person and they're new to the area.

Now, a way to connect with that person and make her feel welcome is just to ask her to connect. You know, you can say, hey, we were going to go to Chipotle up the street for lunch. Would you like to come with us? maybe we can see if anyone else we'd like to come to and you can meet another person or two. Then you let her answer. She might do what the retired neighbors did and say no at first. Again, that's the default for a lot of people. No, that's okay.

But maybe ask again and invite some others to join and make it clear to her if she stays with a no, that you'll be at that Chipotle for a little bit. And if she changes her mind and wants to join, you'd love for her to come and have lunch with you. And again, you can even acknowledge the weirdness. I am a big fan of acknowledging the weirdness, like just saying what it is. Like, listen, I know we just met so it might feel forward. You were not prepared to have lunch with strangers today. But for real, we would love for you to come.

The point is connection, not the food, not the place, not even the answer to the invitation. You can still be hospitable when the answer is no. Simply asking does a lot. Okay, so those are a couple of scenarios. Now, let's get a little, some of y'all are like, Kendra, I need practical things. I get it. It's fine. I'm here for you. So let's talk about like when people are actually coming over to eat, right? You want to do it sort of less like spontaneous snack platter restaurant. Some of you want to be more prepared, which I get. And so here's my suggestion for that. There are two lazy, these principles that are perfect for this. First is house rules. And second is decide once. All right.

So we'll start with decide once. Decide once what your hospitality on the fly meal is. Maybe it is oven nachos because I actually really like that as a hospitality meal because corn chips are usually gluten free, right? Which helps like in being sensitive to at least one food group. You can take that off the table. You could have some seasoned. cooked ground beef already in the freezer for such a time as this. Pull out what you have. Cheese, salsa, maybe sour cream, maybe pickled jalapinos, avocado, whatever you have. Maybe your hospitality on the fly meal is a snack platter or it's non-bread or French bread pizza. You know, it's something that is sort of quick. Maybe you have like a Stoufers lasagna in the freezer for this kind of thing,

although I get that you might not want to eat lasagna in July. I don't know. The point is to decide once what your hospitality on the fly meal is or you can have house rules about how you invite things like that you eat on paper plates just to make it feel easier for you or that you don't eat on paper plates because you want it to feel a certain way maybe it's that you save your takeout money for the very purpose of spontaneous invitations you know like that when you eat out you want to do it in the context of being able to like go out with someone else because that feels less threatening to a new person, to a new friend, than inviting them over to you? I don't know. You decide. But both of those

principles, those are your tickets to making the process easier. Set house rules and decide once. Now this is a light episode because it's summer and you don't have time to process a lot of things. But more than that, you don't need me to say too much about this because ultimately the most pressing problem is that we have too much pressure on the idea of hospitality in the first place. Now, I'm not saying it should be easy for you or that you should just lighten up or chill out or whatever, not in the slightest. We all bring different personalities and expectations and baggage to this area. So I don't want to be dismissive. I apologize if I sound dismissive or reductive and I'm just like, get over it. Like that's not what I'm saying. I realize

it's not that simple. It's not that simple to get over it. But even as you sit with why it's hard for you or what your specific challenges are or why certain relationships are easy to be spontaneous with and others are not just remember what matters most it's always connection and if that runs the show if that pulls the train or whatever analogy we want to use the other stuff it just has less importance i think hospitality by nature is fluid and responsive it's not rigid and planned and organized. You can have some things in place, you know, like your decide once meal. But that's not the thing that's in charge. That's not what makes it work. What makes it work is your perspective and your heart towards the person. Simply connect. That is where it starts. Everything else is like just a

personal choice. Do you hate me? I feel sometimes like after episodes like this that some of you must hate me where I don't like have a formula for something that you really want a formula for. So, but remember, remember to just start small. Use that lazy genius principle in all of this too. You don't have to manufacture one experience of hospitality on the fly and then figure out how to replicate that forever. It's fluid and responsive. Connect. Trust that your expectations of togetherness or planning or making an impression, even in the tiniest ways, that those expectations, expectations are generally for you. They're not for the person you're trying to connect with. Like, you are great. Your home is great. Your awkwardness or intensity or shyness or humor or lack of

cooking skills or amazing cooking skills or whatever it is that you're worried about. All of it is great. Just connect. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate our lazy genius of the week. It's Emily Lang, Who sent me this message after the episode two weeks ago about starting a summer reading club? I love this so much. She writes. I love this episode topic so much. I was once part of a book club with me, eight retirees and a librarian. It was bring your own tea and a baked good, just talking about books and authors we love. I really missed it during the pandemic and it hasn't started up again. I learned so much from them, new genres and authors to be discovered, old men who loved Y.A and children. books, a lady who read anything and everything about birds from poetry to short stories. It was so quirky.

This concept works. I thank you for sending this to me, Emily. I love this message so much. I also want to be friends with this woman who reads everything about birds. Like, I love birds. Well, correction. I'm sorry. Side note. I like watching birds from far away. Birds up closer, terrifying. Honestly, to me, anything up close is terrifying, but that's okay. Anyway, the point is I love that Emily shared the story. I love the confirmation that a reading club works. And I hope that some of you have maybe started one since that episode. If you're new to the podcast and you do not know what I'm talking about, you can go back just two episodes to number 213. Reading club is like so low pressure. And don't forget that if you want to do a book club, which is where you read the same book,

not a reading club, if you want to do a book club club with some friends and you want to read The Lazy Genius Way, which is a book that I wrote, there is a book. a great, great book club guide with downloadable invitations and questions and all kinds of cute stuff at the lazy genius collective.com slash LG book club. So thank you for sharing this story, Emily, and congratulations for being the lazy genius of the week. Okay, that's it for today, you guys. Thank you so much for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like living just a B or B plus life, it's so dangerous to live that, more dangerous than a B minus

or a C plus life, because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.