The Lazy Genius Podcast - #220 - Kendra Answers Your Burning Questions

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

We’re talking about everything from what glasses I wear to how to Lazy Genius a marriage in this fun episode where I answer your burning questions (or the questions that pop up in DMs and my inbox on the reg). Stuff Mentioned FAQ Instagram Reel from a few weeks ago (I’m @thelazygenius if you want to follow along!) Eyewear brands available at Oscar Oglethorpe Try an Olive & June mani or pedi system and have your mind blown (use code LAZYGENIUS for 20% off your first system) Episode 191: Naming What Matters in 2021 Episode 186: A Pep Talk for Not Knowing Download a transcript of this episode This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey there, you're listening to The Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 220. Kendra, that's me, answers your burning questions. So in recent weeks, every Monday night on Instagram, I have done what is called in the industry, an AMA or ask me anything. Not sure we'll keep doing them every week in that format, but that is neither here nor there. The point. is I get all kinds of questions every week and plenty of questions outside of that AMA. My email inbox and my DMs are full on a pretty consistent basis. So I thought I would answer just a few of the most burning questions here. Also, I want to say, I never mind y'all asking questions ever, like always, always ask. I cannot always guarantee an answer, but I never want you to feel like you cannot ask. So today we are going to talk about everything from what glasses I wear to how to lazy genius a marriage. Those are actually two of the most commonly asked questions. I made a reel on Instagram a few weeks ago with the most commonly asked questions.

Those are two of them. If you want to watch that for like a little bit of fun, but we'll go deeper here. Now let's jump into a few of your most burning questions. First burning question, where are your glasses from? Now, if you only have listened to me on this podcast and you have not seen. my face. This question does not make sense. But I wear glasses. Some of them are fairly bold, and I have several pairs. So I get asked about my glasses a lot. First thing, I get all my glasses from a local place. Not helpful, is it? I live in Greensboro, North Carolina, and there is an Iwear place

called Oscar Oglethorpe. All my glasses are from there. If you are local, just quick, quick plug. This place is amazing. All of their frames plus lenses are just like one of two blanket at prices, depending on what kind of lens you need. But their frame selection is amazing. Their staff is even more amazing. The experience is amazing. Every pair of glasses I own, every single pair, was a pair that a staff member picked out, not one that I picked out. Like, they just have really great taste. They are so good at helping you figure out what matters. See what I did there about your glasses and getting you those in like a really easy and very fun way. I love Oscar Oglethorpe. But since very few of you can experience that place, I will show

share one incredibly helpful tip about choosing glasses is to focus on the shape. If you wear glasses, focus on a shape that you like that works with your face and makes you feel like yourself. Most of my glasses, if you notice, are about the same shape. So once you nail your shape, then you can be more bold in the frame color or the thickness of the frame or whatever else. And I will also say, bonus, don't be afraid to go bold. Not just with glasses, but like with all the things. But if you feel like yourself when you're wearing something more neutral, I feel like that's different and that's great. Like do your thing. But if you are scared to go bold because you think you cannot pull it off, you are wrong. You are wrong. So I would just really like for you to feel

the permission to go bold if you want to go bold. Okay. Next burning question. Is Oliver June nail polish really that great? Yes, it is. It really is. The colors are perfect. There are no, there are no bums in the bunch. Every single color is a win. I definitely have my favorites. Everybody has their favorites. The favorites change a lot though. My top six, and I say, I say top six, my top six colors, because when you get a mani system, you can pick either one polished color or six polish colors, and you should always pick six. But my top six changes all the time. But right now it is rosy tips, hot strawberry, fierce and loving. cockatoo, pink sands, and I think probably C-S. All of those are like pinks and purples. I'm very pink and

purple in the summertime. Once we get further into like August and September, I'll probably mention MG and HZ again. Some others. It's very exciting. Anyway, so the colors are great. The system, though, that's where it's at. A lot of folks have told me that they love the polish, but they say it doesn't last as long for them. And that's one of the correct claims of Olive and June is that the polish lasts a really long time. And so much of that does come down to prep. Like you shouldn't wash your hands for like an hour before you do your mani. The direction you buff matters. The direction you file matters. The thinness of the coats of polish. Like all of those things contribute to a manny that lasts a long time. Plus it just takes some practice. So Olive and June has some amazing like videos and

stuff on their on their on their IGTV that you can watch and learn from i just i love them so much they're the real deal love them okay third burning question very different can i lazy genius my marriage um yeah that's a different vibe than like glasses nail polish but i get it so much and funny like it's not just versions of that it's that actual sentence like how do i lazy genius my marriage now this is not a question i can answer right i can't do that this is simplest answer is therapy, either couples therapy or for you and or your partner to be in therapy individually. And I feel like this is important to say. Therapy is not only for people who are going through really difficult or traumatic things. I think if you're going through something difficult or

traumatic, one of the best things that you can do is to go to therapy and to talk to someone about it. Or if that's not an option, read the book Try Softer by Andy Colbert. I will put a link in the show notes to her book. She is actually going to be on the Lazy Genius podcast in a few weeks. It is a beautiful, incredibly helpful book that is not a substitute for therapy. But it's pretty darn close, especially if you've never done therapy before. It's a beautiful place to begin. Now, in my opinion, therapy is essential for being a person through something really difficult.

But I also think it's essential for being a person just in general. you can go to therapy to just help you figure that out how to be a person like i i highly recommend that now more specifically your marriage does not have to be in dire straits for you to go see a therapist you don't you don't have to like you could just figure out to be a person in your marriage by going to a therapist now i am not i don't know if you know this or not i'm not a certified qualified qualified educated therapy i'm none of those things now i've been in a lot of therapy sessions. I've read a lot of books, but I am not a therapist. This must be made extremely clear. So in my very limited personal anecdotal experience, one of the main reasons that we struggle in

marriages and probably relationships of all kinds, really, is because of unmet expectations. We have expectations of how someone we love will behave or respond to us or help or help or or speak up or move toward us or load the dishwasher. And we often don't even know we have those expectations until they are not met. I'm going to say that again. We often do not know that we have expectations until they are not met. And then we're mad or huffy or we isolate. We're passive aggressive.

We're deeply hurt. We retreat. There are a lot of reactions, even micro reactions. that we carry into our marriages and into our close relationships. And then our partners have those two. Okay. Now, where do our expectations come from? They come from how we see the world, which is informed by our personal stories,

by how we were raised, our personality, our fears, our insecurities, our beliefs and how important or unimportant emotions are, what we value and prioritize, so many things. This is why I personally love paying attention to how I tick. Like what makes me me. I value self-awareness and learning about how I see the world because that helps me know what my expectations are. This is, more specifically, this is why I personally love the anagram because it gives me a lens for how and why I see the world and myself in that world the way that I do.

I've done two episodes on the Enneagram that I'll put in the show notes if you're interested in that. They are the episodes I wish I'd had when I first started learning about the Enigram. But all that to say, the reason we have a hard time in our marriages is because we have unmet expectations, big and small. We don't always know why certain things matter so deeply to us. and we don't know how to talk to our spouses about those things without getting hurt or defensive or them getting hurt or getting defensive.

Knowing who you are, naming what matters to you, learning to honor what matters to the other person, seeing the unhealthy communication patterns that draw you apart rather than bring you closer together, all of those things impact how you communicate with your spouse or your partner. And how you communicate with someone is a foundational tone setter for any relationship. And it's hard to know how to do that well without help. It's hard to know how to accurately and kindly name why you suddenly shut down when your husband casually makes a comment about a messy room that is not meant to be personal or even negative maybe, but you take it that way.

Why is that? Is it because you already are so hard on yourself that you're not quite doing enough? Are you resentful of your kids for not being more tidy on their own? But really, you're internalizing that as you are a bad parent? Do you not feel supported by that spouse and all that you're trying to do? And then that comment about a messy room, it just reinforces that frustration. And now it turns to anger. You see what I'm saying? Like understanding those personal patterns, knowing why you see things the way you do, and then learning helpful tools on how to be a person with your specific story and your personality and lifestyle and values, all those things.

That will help your marriage. And it is done really well in therapy. Also, I think that our marriages and relationships are often better when we are more fully ourselves as individuals. A lot of things that feel like marital problems are really just personal problems bumping into each other. So the more that we pay attention to those personal challenges and narratives and patterns that we can apply helpful tools to that we might learn in therapy, the more patient we are with our spouses. The more understanding and curious and kind of we are towards them because we are experiencing that same understanding and curiosity and kindness

towards ourselves. So there is no simple answer to how does one lazy genius your marriage, but the shortest answer is therapy. Sorry to not have a formula answer, but there you go. Okay. A fourth burning question. It's a little related actually, is how to get someone who is not as on board with lazy genius principles as you are to be on board. Or another version actually is like how to deal with a situation when what matters to you is different than what matters to someone you live with. And I think we're actually going to save that one for a separate episode. Like that feels like a longer, more specific discussion. So hang tight for that one. But for now, what do you do when you have a house rule, let's say, or something that you want to

decide once, but the people that you live with don't seem to care as much as you do. So let's borrow a little bit actually from that last answer, the marriage answer. I think one of the things to think about is your unmet expectations. Because that's what you're dealing with, right? You have a house rule that you want to implement your home because it supports something that matters to you, but no one is listening or following it. Let's pick something really simple, like taking your shoes off when you come inside the house. You made that house rule, let's say, because you hate vacuuming like so much, and you would rather spend your time every day doing something else, or however often you vacuum. And sometimes even that something else is being with the people who are wearing the shoes.

So shoes off in the house, it's something that matters to you. It contributes to you being able to be a genius about other things. Now, what are your expectations about that house rule? is it that shoes are off every single time the minute somebody walks inside are the shoes lined up are they taken off without reminders or complaining like do you want that to happen where you don't have to remind anybody to do it i think we expect that something we choose that matters to us will be done with the same kind of like exacting intention that we apply to that thing. But also, let's pretend like you forget to take off your shoes one time when you're coming in the house.

You'll probably just go back to the shoe place and take your shoes off, right? It's no big deal. But when someone else does that, it feels like a big deal. So think about when something isn't being implemented the way you want it to be. Why is that? what is your actual expectation and does it need to be that way? The answer might be yes, it might be. You already might have very, very low expectations of things and people still aren't paying attention.

I don't want you to feel badly about that. But I know my expectations are often much higher than they need to be. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Howell. Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. I've shared the story before, but it was a long time ago. I don't even remember where.

A blog post, maybe. I used to write those. When my oldest son, Sam, was a baby, he never slept. I mean, okay, he did, but it felt like never. And actually, as I say that, let's do a quick side note. Like, that's a thing. We generalize, right? Even, we'll go back to the shoes off at the door thing. If your expectations are that your family takes their shoes off 100% of the time without a reminder, and they take them off 50% of the time, but almost always need a reminder, you will say to yourself

or to them that they never take their shoes off. We generalize, right? I think I said this a few weeks ago on Instagram. I don't remember where, but I think it was Instagram, that like we have one bad moment and we automatically feel like we've had a bad day. We let things swallow up the good so easily. Okay, so back to the story from a while ago. Sam rarely slept.

We went over 18 months where he would not sleep for longer than an hour at a time. It was awful. Like, it was awful. And I'm not joking when I say that it was every night. I think that for his first year and a half, he slept a handful of hours at a time for maybe 20 days total. And that includes when he was like a newborn, newborn. Like he did not sleep through the night one time, not once until he was almost two. It was brutal. But here's the story. So every single night, I would hope that tonight would be the night. Tonight would be the night that he would sleep through the night.

And every night he didn't, and I was disappointed, even resentful. I expected him to sleep. Like obviously, I wanted him to, but I also expected him to, like deep down. And every time that expectation was not met morning after morning, night after night when he would wake up, I would get more and more frustrated. Then one day, one of my sisters said to me, what if you just expected him to wake up? and so I did. I tried that. And it didn't make me more rested and it didn't like change the situation necessarily. But it did ease the tension that I was feeling. It helped me be less mad at my kid for not sleeping. It helped me feel not as frustrated so constantly. I changed my expectations and it

help. So in the context of the shoes by the door or any other thing that you're wanting your family to get on board with or even something for yourself, right? What is your expectation? Specifically, I think naming that it helps you be kinder to them and to yourself. It can also help you communicate the reasons behind your house rule or whatever else it is you're trying to do in your house even better when you can distill your expectations down to like it's it's form, the smallest form. What really matters about this? And that can help you communicate to your family even more. And then the final burning question, how do you name what matters? How do you figure it out? That's also something that needs its own episode. And luckily, there's already a great one that you can

try that I already made. It is episode 191. It's called naming what matters in 2021. So I go through the process of how I named what mattered to me for this year. I would also offer up episode 186 a pep talk for not knowing. Those are really good places to start in figuring out what matters to you or how to be kind of yourself while you're trying to name it. And I would also say to start way smaller than you think. That is a lazy genus principle. Start small. Make your challenge small. name what matters about today about the thing in front of you. It will change tomorrow. Very likely it will change tomorrow. And that's normal. So just be more fluid and kind to yourself day to day when you're confronted with things that feel really challenging. Okay. That is it for today. There are so many,

obviously, there are so many questions I can answer, but I want to keep these episodes around 20 minutes as much as possible. I mentioned the weekly AMA that I've been doing for a while. We're still in the process of figuring out the best way to do that moving forward. I really love doing them, but they also take a lot of time and they don't live anywhere long term to help you. Also, I'm not the only one who has answers. You guys are really, really smart. So we're kind of working on that on how to kind of crowdsource some of these specific questions about how to lazy genius things. But please keep asking your questions whenever you have one. Again, I cannot promise an answer to everyone's question, but I sure do try. Now, before we go, let's celebrate the

lazy genius of the week. It is Christine Sander. I hope I'm saying your last name right, Christine. Christine, she shared her grocery list on Instagram. It's like one of those, like in a laminate thing, you know, that's like, it's just a list of staples by store. So she doesn't have to create a list from scratch every time. And she can decide once what she needs. She can batch the list making because her brain doesn't have to work as hard because it's all right there. And that's not necessarily a new idea. Hers was very lovely and simple. But what I love the most about this was that she just simply offered in her story to email

it to anybody who was interested in it. And she was like, it's a word doc and you can just adjust it. Like you don't have to use my things. It was just a template, you know? And I just loved the ease of that. Like if you have an idea of something that works for you, you know, you can just offer it up to the people in your life if they're interested. There was something very human and simple about it that I really love. She also made a note in that story. She was like, I think

the lazy genius might like this. Christine, you were right. I did. Now, I personally, I'm not a static grocery list person, like where you have the list printed out. You just sort of check off what you need, even though we buy the same things over and over again. It's kind of ironic. I don't, it just, my brain doesn't work that way. But I love people who find what does work for them, and they use it in a simple way, and then also share it with other people who might want to use it too. So the more we can help each other, the better. Just love that. So thank you for being a lazy genius, Christine. And that is it for today. Thank you so much for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things

that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B-plus life? It's so dangerous to live that more dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.