The Lazy Genius Podcast - #223 - The Lazy Genius Gets Out the Door

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

A few weeks ago, I asked y’all on Instagram to share the challenges that make leaving your house so complicated. What makes it hard to get out the door? I have never had more responses to a question box on Instagram in my actual life. It was amazing. So let's Lazy Genius it. Stuff Mentioned You can officially preorder The Lazy Genius Kitchen! Order it now and get it on release day March 22, 2022. This episode was inspired by Lazy Geniuses on Instagram! Follow @thelazygenius and chime in. Download a transcript of this episode. This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey there, you are listening to The Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 223. The Lazy Genius gets out the door. I asked y'all on Instagram to share your challenges on leaving the house. What makes it hard to get out the door? I have never had more responses to a question box on Instagram in my actual life. It was amazing. So we are going to talk about getting out the door. But before, we jump into that. I want to tell you really quickly, something that you might already know, but if you're only a podcast listener and not on Instagram, you actually might not. And it's very exciting. I have written another book. It is called The Lazy Genius Kitchen. It releases on March 22nd of 2022, which is like a really long way away. I get that. It is the prettiest, most helpful kitchen guide book ever. Tomorrow I am officially posting the cover on Instagram and I will share some fun details with the mailing list if you'd like to sign up for either of those. But mostly, what I would love for you to do is go to the lazy genius kitchen.com.

And there you will find a simple page where you can enter your email address. Giving us your email address is to make sure you get all of the book news, like fun bonuses for buying the book early. And there are a lot of great ones over a long period of time. A really fun opportunity to get a ton of behind the scenes content, as well as get your name printed in the book what free chapters and resources videos all the things there are so many helpful entertaining components to the release of the lazy genius kitchen and i don't want you to miss out on any of them and they are going to be starting like in a couple of weeks i promise i'm

not going to spam you this is not like a sales pitch email funnel thing where you're going to hear from me all the time for the next nine months i promise i don't make anything that i don't think will be helpful to you. I promise. And so by giving us your email address, it just makes sure that anybody who wants these super helpful, incredibly fun book related things to get those things. So go to the lazy genius kitchen.com. Enter your email and you will be in the know of all things lazy genius kitchen. Okay. Let's get out the door. The good news from all of the comments that I got on Instagram is that there really are only a few challenges that pretty much all of you share. That means that a lot of people are in the same boat as you, which hopefully encourages you. And we can figure out some

solutions or at least have like a little bit of solidarity in those things. There are five main categories of challenges that I saw in your comments and have experienced in my own life. And we are going to cover two of those today. The other three will be expanded over the next three weeks because they're that relevant. Also, if I did all five today, this episode would be at least an hour. I'm not joking, because I actually started doing all five. And it was like, oh, this is really long. So to give you an idea where we're going today and the rest of the month, here are the five most common categories. Expectations, timing, stuff, uncontrollables, and shoes. You guys, there were so many responses about shoes. So today we're going to talk specifically about expectations and timing of when you need to get out the door. Next week, we're going to go into those uncontrollable things, but not just when you're leaving the house. Next week, we're going to talk about how to pivot when things don't go according to plan. The week after that, we're literally doing an episode about shoes. Like, that's how many comments there were about shoes. But we're not just going to have that episode

be about kids losing their shoes. We will talk about storing your shoes, rotating them, saving shoes for kids who haven't grown into the bigger pair yet, when you should get rid of your shoes, like everything shoe related. And then finally, the first Monday in September, we are going to tackle the stuff aspect of getting out the door, but also gathering up your stuff for all kinds of scenarios. And that one, we're actually going to talk about the power of bags. I'm very excited about it. So lots of practical things coming.

One thing I want to offer as we get started today is to try and name what your specific biggest roadblock is for getting out the door. as with many of life's problems, we struggle with one particular aspect of something, but feel like we're generally in the weeds over the whole thing. So if you can identify the one area that's the most challenging for you, rather than just saying like, oh, it's so hard to get out the door, you can apply a lazy genus principle or two to that particular area. And then you can see that entire problem of getting out the door a little more clearly. It might even get easier by just dealing with that one particular thing.

Remember, small things make a really, really big difference. So we're going to tackle today expectations and timing. First, expectations. We're also going to throw the word emotions in here because often when expectations are not met, emotions get a little amped up for us and the people that we live with. Now, these are a few of the expectations that you carry, that you told me in your comments that you carry. were repeated multiple multiple multiple times you wish you did not have to repeat yourself a million

times to your people so they'll get ready um you understandably want and maybe even expect on a certain level that they will listen the first time and when they don't you get frustrated that's very real a lot of you were also frustrated by a husband that you live with who doesn't help get everyone out of the door just himself um he gets his own stuff but you're getting your own stuff and everything else for everyone else. If that's you, you have an expectation and a very reasonable one that you were not the only one who carries someone called it the rush anxiety. I love that phrase. No one else has a sense of urgency except for you. And you're frustrated that you're having to emotionally and literally carry the load of getting out the door for your entire family.

Because you expect help. You expect your kids and husband, if you have either of those to help you. You do not want to do it all on your own, nor should you. You also might expect that people can brush their own teeth, find their own shoes, put away their own breakfast dishes, do the things they have to do every single day without you having to remind them or do it yourself. Someone wrote in the question box, why am I the only one who can find things? And I get that. I resonate with that a lot. Perhaps that is an expectation your family has of you if you live with other people that you will be the one to find the things. Many of you are the life managers of your family and you likely do it pretty well. Someone even said it's just easier to do everything herself because

it's too hard and takes too long to explain all the things to the people who are trying to do it. So there is an expectation perhaps, maybe even both ways, that you will take care of it or that you have to take care of it. So if those are some likely expectations, that people will listen the first time, that everyone will be helpful and take initiative, and that you are not the only one who can carry it all, when those expectations are not met, emotions will spring up. Absolutely. You get frustrated and you start yelling more. Maybe it starts out, you know that like sing-songy yelling that we do so you don't sound like a terrible person that you're really on the brink of letting everybody have it. My kids know that voice.

Or you cross the brink and you let everybody have it. We've all done it. Maybe you've even done it today. But I also know you don't want to yell. A lot of you said that. You don't want leaving the house to always end in hurt feelings and shouting matches. A lot of you mentioned how the pressure of leaving leads you to being louder. but when your kids feel that pressure, they're fighting escalates.

There's just a lot of emotional consequences to navigate here. And while this particular piece does not have any real scientific proof, it really seems like the more stressed you got, the slower everyone else is. It's like this weird inverse. It's got to be some sort of scientific thing, right? It's the weirdest correlation, but the faster you need people to move, the slower they go. Similarly, the slower you need time to move. the faster time goes. It's very weird. And then you start yelling again. And then they fight more or get their feelings hurt or get distracted by all the stimulus and forget the very things that you were yelling at them to remember. It is just a very familiar cycle to many of us. So how can we lazy genus this part? How can we lazy genius these expectations and the rising emotions that come from them? One way is to lower your expectations, especially depending on the season of life.

you're in. That's a lazy genius principle in case you're new around here. Live in the season. Maybe your season of life involves toddlers. And toddlers do not listen the first time. They just don't. They don't remember to put their shoes in the same place. They don't know that moving everything, you're packing by the door to a different room is supremely unhelpful. They don't know what time is. Like living with and getting out the door with toddlers, it is just a specific season. And maybe it's good to start matching your expectations with the season. The same could be true for teenagers. Many teenagers are just zombies in the morning. They are in their own worlds. They aren't always hearing what you say the first time. So expecting them to listen the first time when they're half asleep anyway to go to a place like

school where they might not really want to go at all. That's kind of a high expectation. Now, I'm not saying we can't have high expectations for people or situations. But consider your season before you do that. Otherwise, those expectations are not met. And then you get upset at them. And those people that you have expectations of feel like all they do is mess up. And then you're disconnected from them, which none of us want. So just consider lowering your expectations to match the season of life you are in.

Now, let's quickly talk about husbands and expectations. not everybody listening has a husband but for those of you who do for those of you who put the problem of husbands in your question box we're going to park here for a quick second i've said before that i will come for your lazy picky unhelpful husbands i will come very very hard now are we also sometimes lazy and picky and unhelpful those of you listening of course humans are humans and that's okay the husbands i come for are the ones with expectations that are not congruent with a balanced equal division of labor in a partnership. If your husband is super picky about dinners you make,

but he does not help make any of those dinners or plan them or shop for them, he does not get to complain. If it matters enough to him to have the variety or the specifics about a meal that he's wanting, he can be part of the solution. Now, that's not to say that you don't value what matters to him or that you just dismiss his needs or request completely. That's not at all what I'm saying. A marriage or a partnership is a partnership.

equal partners. If he's low-key requiring certain things of you without participating equally in it or even acknowledging that it's hard for you to accommodate you, accommodate him, and then thanking you for that, I'm going to come for him. I'm just going to do it. It's not okay. So in this scenario, getting up the door and having a husband who does not center his morning around the family, but instead around himself, let's just talk quickly about how to address that. And the only reason, again, the only reason I'm bringing this up specifically is because of how many of you wrote, my husband does not help. So this is why we're here. I'm not like coming at them for no reason. Okay. So first, talk to your husband and remember what matters most. What matters most,

almost certainly, is that you both are connected to each other and remember that you're a team. Because none of us like to be criticized or told we're not supporting someone we love. none of us like that. So because of that, you can always start the conversation by telling him where you do feel supported and where y'all do feel like a team. Something like, you know, I love being partners with you. I love how we're a team in this area. It works so well because we work well together.

I'd really like to figure out how we can have that same kind of teamwork in the mornings when everyone is trying to leave. And then just pause, maybe give him a chance to say something or ask a question or whatever. You don't have to monologue everything right from the start. You know, it's a conversation. But say directly, I would feel really supported if you would do this. Maybe it's that he bumps his shower 20 minutes earlier so that he can be in the kitchen helping direct the herd sooner, you know, be specific. This happened with me and cause, actually. I was carrying the brunt of the morning rhythm and I was starting to resent him for not helping me.

But I also had never asked him to. He would usually come into the kitchen around like 730 or so, which is right about when he leaves for work. And I was harried and short because I had been the only one helping the kids on morning, right? And I was emotionally escalating, which was not creating a connective environment for anyone, me with cause or me with the kids. So I asked cause if he would be in the kitchen by 715 to help me. I just have. asked him. I was like, hey, could you kind of reorient your morning so that you can be in the kitchen earlier? And of course he said yes, because he did not know that I needed to help. He didn't know. I didn't ask him. When you are a capable, competent adult who runs the show well, and especially,

listen to me, especially if you're a capable, competent adult who does not ask for help very often, and even low-key criticizes other people when they do try and help by saying how you usually do it, those people don't often think that you need or even want their help when you really, really do. So tell your husband you do. Tell your husband you need help. Be specific. I also want you to remember too that not every single morning has to look the same, right? There are certain mornings when I need to take a shower and wash my hair, which is like a whole situation. So on the nights before that I know I need longer to get ready, I'll be specific and say, hey, babe, I need you to be in the kitchen by seven tomorrow so I can wash my hair. Will that work for you? And then we go about our business.

So just have a conversation and say what you need. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Okay. Number two for today, timing. This is a big one. There are, there are a few specific things that contribute to the struggles with timing. First, in your list of comments was breakfast. Someone in your house will take forever to eat. Breakfast takes too long to make. People eat at different

times. No one cleans up their dishes. And you don't want to leave the house with the dirty kitchen. So it's a lot of breakfast stuff. Okay. Another timing challenge was procrastination. You just wait until the last minute to get ready. You gather your stuff at the last minute. You remind someone to get their shoes at the very last minute. We will get shoes later, remember, in a couple weeks. And then a third very popular challenge is the one more quick thing syndrome. I am talking dozens and dozens, maybe even hundreds. I did not count. Hundreds of people saying, that they are late because they try to do one more thing before leaving. Start a load of laundry. Clean up the kitchen. Maybe curl your hair, even though you literally need to leave right now.

And then you worry about if you turn the curling iron off. You want to change your clothes. You pay a bill. One more quick thing, which rarely works out well to be quick or to be just one more. They snowball. And everything takes longer than you think. And then finally, there's just the idea of things taking longer than you think they will. you plan for five minutes and it takes 15 we do that though it's a brain thing that's that's a scientific statement right there it's a brain thing we underestimate time a lot and here's what's funny if you have left your house uh let's say it's 753 in the morning and you got to where you needed to go by eight even though that particular day you hit every single green light and you got there in the most efficient way possible you assume that every day

you could leave at 753 and be fine when really the best time for you to leave is 745. It's just a whole thing. Again, it's a brain thing. So we make decisions often based on the most optimistic scenario and then we pay the price later. So what are some specific principles we can apply to this challenge of timing? First, let's talk about breakfast. I have a couple of resources on breakfast that I will put in the show notes if you're interested. but one specific principle to try here is batch it.

If you are a cooked breakfast person or family, do the tiniest bit of batching on the weekend before the week begins, or even midweek for just a couple days. That can be batch planning. It's like, guys, this week we're having cereal and toast. It can be batch cooking where you make, you know, muffins or breakfast burritos or hard-bolled eggs or whatever you want to have for the week. it can also be batch prep and cleanup where someone not necessarily you puts everyone's

breakfasts together one morning a week like um like your third grader gets Tuesday and pulls out all the plates the toaster the butter whatever else i don't know so that everyone can make their breakfast quickly and easily you could make a list of breakfast items for that kid to pull out and check off or something you know if you worry the kid's going to forget things and then that same kid on that day is in charge of batch cleaning up breakfast dishes. You know, just grab everything off the counter or table at once and put it in the sink or the dishwasher. Put it in a zone.

We talk about zones so that it's visually cleared off of all the different tables and counters. Another principle you could try for breakfast. Particularly slow breakfast eaters is to go in the right order. Now, we think that the order of getting ready is breakfast and then brush your teeth, right? You eat and then you brush it away.

but if you have a slow eater who is not dressed and has not brushed his teeth and it's almost time to go, we need to go in the right order. Does it really matter that brushing teeth comes after breakfast? Maybe not. A lot of the crazy that you feel is waiting for this one kid. So instead of that running the show, have that kid get dressed and brush his teeth before he eats breakfast. It likely does not really matter that he brushes his teeth first. Then if he's still eating when it's time to go, he just brings his breakfast with him. And everyone does not have to wait for him to now go get ready. Go in the right order. Another aspect of timing that we talked about is procrastination. Okay. First, first principle is you need to be kind to yourself here. Be kind to yourself.

That is the first principle. Some people are just wired to procrastinate. There are ways to mitigate that a little, but don't beat yourself up because you're someone who often runs late. You're okay. You are okay. Now, practically, a great principle to apply here is to build the right routine. Remember that a lazy genius routine is not so much about the steps, but about where you're hoping those steps take you, right? If you are someone who often procrastinates, putting together a 10-step morning routine is actually going to work against you. Do not do that. That is not for you. The right routine for a procrastinator is to remind yourself of what matters. And you can maybe do that in the form of alarms, like on your phone. So maybe your morning alarm is a song that you love that gets you excited to get out of bed.

you can buy ringtones in the Apple store for $1.29 max. And I'm telling you it is the best money you will ever spend. My sister Hannah, she mentioned this on our, we have a secret. Secret. That sounds so like secret. But we have a Patreon podcast called the Lazy Sisters podcast for people who support some Patreon. It's like a really long conversation that my sister and I have once a month. It's very fun. It's unedited Kendra. It's a blast. Anyway, in one of the last episodes we did, we were talking about the best things to make us happy that we love. And one of those things that Hannah mentioned was to buy a ringtone. It's $1.29, you guys.

We just don't think about spending money on something like that because we have access to all these other free ringtones. But I bought a song from the Great British Bake Off as my ringtone, as my alarm. And it has been the best $1.29 of my whole life. So like, I don't know. Buy beautiful day by you two or something. whatever that reminds you about what matters most and helps you get out of bed you can also set other alarms and name them you know like you can change the words where it doesn't just say alarm so maybe there's a

hey you need to be in the shower now this is important go that goes off five minutes before you enter that like five alarm procrastination zone you know where you're just going to be late use those signals that your phone has built in to remind you that you want to to not be rushed, right? You want to start moving towards getting ready at a reasonable time so you're not stressed out. Like that really does matter. So set alarms for yourself to remind you of what matters. And that's the exchange really, isn't it? You're choosing to see procrastination as something that gets in the way of what matters, which is getting out of the door without as much stress. it's probably worth it to get up when you think about it that way.

But if you procrastinate and you lie in bed or you get one more cup of coffee or whatever, I want you to ask yourself, not in a shaming way, in just a realistic way, is this worth being frantic for 20 minutes? The answer might be yes. Just be honest about those expectations. Okay, for those who try the one more quick thing syndrome, I want you to maybe set a house rule for yourself. house rules are another lazy genius principle maybe you have a time on the clock that you're uh that's your like

one more thing limit okay like if it gets past 730 you're not allowed to do one more quick thing or prioritize the quick things that make a difference and decide once that's another lazy genius principle decide once to to only do that quick thing if you have the time so maybe it's cleaning up breakfast and having a clean slate for when you get home. That quick thing is likely worth finding space for. Now the other ones, maybe not. So decide once what your one quick thing is, maybe, or create a house rule that helps you see when you have time and when you don't. And like that procrastination piece, is that one more quick thing worth the frenzy of being like, that tradeoff? Only you can answer that, not me. But be sure to ask the questions who actually now.

Is it worth it? Is this one more quick thing worth it for me to be late? Maybe just assume you're going to be late. Assume it's going to make you late. Is it worth it? And then finally, the idea of things taking longer than you plan. I want you to collect data. Write down on a little piece of paper or a dry race board or something. The time that you have in your head to leave by or like say it into a voice app. There are lots of ways that you can capture this. But brain dump your reverse engineer plan. So like this. I think that we need to leave by 745. So I'm going to tell the kids to get ready at 715. I'm going to do and then like back up. You get the idea. Say what you're going to do and then try it and do it. Then I want you to write down or say at the end of all of that what time

you actually left, how stressed out everyone was. Did it actually work this way? Now leaving the house, this is important to remember. Leaving the house is inherently a little bit stressful. Like even if you're doing everything the way you want to. It's just kind of a high energy situation. So there's probably going to be some heightening anyway. But was the stress manageable? Did you yell? Did the kids fight? Like name how much time things actually took and how stressful it was doing the thing in that time frame. Look at that and say, okay, five minutes is just not enough time to give a last call yell to the family. We need 15. We need 15 minutes for the last call or whatever it is. But pay attention. don't assume anything about time.

You are a very smart person. If you think this is going to take us three minutes, you can set a stopwatch on your phone and it took seven. And now you know it takes seven. And then plan for 10. Like just keep backing it up. We just make so many assumptions about time. And then we keep living with those assumptions even though they don't work

because we just don't have information to put in its place. We're very smart, but we just get into that rhythm that doesn't serve us well. So if you struggle with reverse engineering your time, I want you to get some data. I want you to be able to look at it and say, okay, optimistically, I think this is going to take five minutes and it just doesn't. It just doesn't. And that's okay. Let's make it 10. Let's make it 15.

Let's make it whatever. So those are the two big categories that keep us from getting out of the door in a way that works for us. Expectations and timing. Now, I want you to just think about how this lands, you know, live with this for a week. the next three weeks, we will adjacently cover the more specific topics of your stuff and your shoes. And frankly, kids having to poop right as you want to leave. That came up so much in the Instagram question box. Like, Crazy Town? Like somebody has to poop. Somebody has to poop. Those are those uncontrollable things that can turn your plan on its head, right? And we need strategies for that too.

We need strategies for when plans change on a dime real quick. But for today, I hope that this has helped you think through those two broader challenges of expectations and timing. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. So on Instagram, this lazy genius, she is another day with Mrs. Kay. Her name is Mary Beth. Mary Beth shared how she's using the magic question, which is another lazy genus principle. The magic question is, what can I do now to make life easier later? And she asked that question to make dinner easier.

and the answer was she sets the table for dinner when she's unloading the dishwasher in the morning. I love this because it could be that you actually don't use your table during the day because you're working or you don't have kids or they're just not around. So you touch the dishes in the morning and rather than touching them twice by putting them in the cabinet and then touching them again later to put them on the table, you just touch them one time and immediately put them where you'll need them next, which is the table for dinner time. That's such a great way to use the magic question. It's so simple, but so helpful.

So thank you for sharing Marybeth. Thank you for being today's lazy genius of the week. Okay, y'all, that's it for today. Don't forget to head to the lazy geniuskitchen.com to get all the kitchen content and news. I'm so excited about it. And thank you for being such beautiful supporters of this space. One of the ways that you do that is by listening to this podcast. So thank you so much for doing that too.

And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter. and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life? Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough.

Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process. of becoming ourselves. Listen to becoming you wherever you get your podcasts.