The Lazy Genius Podcast - #235 - When You Disagree on What Matters

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

This episode is dedicated to the hundreds of you who have asked me over the years how you handle disagreeing about what matters with someone you love. In this Lazy Genius way of living, we seek to support what matters most, and those things are different for everyone, right? So today, I’m going to share three simple questions to ask when you disagree on what matters. Helpful Companion Links A previous episode that might be helpful: #40 The Lazy Genius Navigates Family Tension Find all 13 Lazy Genius principles in The Lazy Genius Way available wherever books are sold Claim your November preorder bonuses for The Lazy Genius Kitchen! Preorder the book, then let us know about it here. Download a transcript of this episode.   This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Save the everyday with Amazon. Hi there. You're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 235, when you disagree on what matters. This is an episode dedicated to the hundreds of you who have asked me over the years

how you handle disagreeing about what matters with someone you love. So in this lazy genius way of living, we seek to. support what matters most in our own lives. And those things are different for everyone, right? We know that. We don't argue with that. In fact, maybe we even embrace those differences sometimes. But what if the difference is with someone you live with or work with every day? What if you're trying to make decisions about something important and you have different priorities and opinions than the other person making the decision? It's tough. So today I'm going to share three simple questions to ask when you disagree on what matters.

Now, before we get into the questions, I want to make a couple of clarifications to kind of set up the context here. When I was preparing this episode, my first thought was, well, you have to talk to the person about the disagreement. And then I thought, oh, wait, that's actually not true. There are relationships where you actually don't feel comfortable talking to the person about the difference in your priorities. Maybe it's a boss.

maybe it's someone in your family who is not emotionally safe and dismisses you. Maybe it's like, maybe it's how the school pickup line works and you have better ideas based on your priorities, but the school administration is not going to listen to you. There are absolutely scenarios where you disagree with someone on what matters and talking it through is not an option. It's just not. And this is where boundaries come in, right? Which makes me even more on the ball to do a boundaries episode soon.

like we really need a separate episode and a separate set of principles even and thoughts around this around having what matters to you be respected, especially by someone who you're more or less close with in terms of proximity, but maybe not in vulnerability, right? You shouldn't just tell anyone and everyone that you need to talk about priorities. Instead, some people require that you set boundaries for yourself. So that episode will come. I promise, I promise. But today, I want to talk about disagreeing on what matters with someone who cares about you, who is emotionally safe and who will listen to you. Now, am I saying that you might not get into an argument and therefore that person is not safe

or like that needs to go in the boundaries episode? No. Like arguments do not equal a lack of emotional safety. But in general, I mean, I think you know what I mean, right? We need an approach to talking through different priorities with people we love. It's a different process. and these are what the three questions are for. These three questions you can ask in that process. Okay. So let's, let's imagine a scenario. Imagine a scenario with a partner, a family member, a friend, a coworker where what

matters to you and what matters to them are different. The example I get a lot is when a couple that lives together has different priorities about mess. One person likes things clean and tidy and the other does not care. This is like a very niche example. But when Kaz and I first got married, he would get undressed after work or whatever and he would lay his clothes out flat on the floor. Like just lay them there because they weren't fully dirty yet, but he didn't want to hang them back up. And this is the niche part. I used to joke with him that it looked like our house was full of people who had been raptured because of all the neatly laid out outfits on multiple floors. It was like, it was a whole thing, you guys.

So I don't remember how we resolve that because it was almost 20 years ago, but I know it drove me crazy. Now, when something drives us crazy and someone we love is either like contributing to it a little causing it completely or just doesn't care about it as much as we do, the crazy grows, right? It might be internally processed crazy where you just get more frustrated on the inside and you isolate or it might be external where you. where you just like suppress and simmer and then you blow up because why can't he put his clothes on

the chair instead of the floor or whatever it is. So what do we do? We need to calm that crazy down, right? So here are the three questions. Here they are that hopefully can help you do that. So get with your person who is making you crazy about something. And here's the first question. What matters most to you about this? What matters most to you about this? listen first ask them what matters to them and then really listen don't formulate your answer don't assume you know what they're going to say be patient if that person isn't in the habit of articulating what matters to them about that thing ask questions be kind remember that the point is connection right in fact that's really what matters most in the conversation that you

stay connected. You can even say that in the beginning, you know, that what matters most about this conversation is not that someone gets a solution or wins or whatever, but that you stay connected. And a way that you can do that is by asking them to share their thoughts first and really listen to them. So what matters most to you about this? Then you can ask that person this second question. Can I share what matters most to me? You can totally say, you know, okay, now it's my turn and that's acceptable. But I do think that offering it as a question is acknowledging that you just heard their words and their priorities and you value yours too. But you are still presenting a connective posture where you acknowledge that pivoting from sharing to listening can be

hard. You know, like you're acknowledging that for the other person. So by asking that person if you can share your thoughts now, it's not really about asking permission. It's more helping them naturally transition from the person who's sharing to the person who's listening, rather than a person who just shared their words. And then you're like, okay, now here's my thoughts. It's easy to become even the tiniest bit defensive there. So the first question, what matters most to you about this? Second, can I share what matters most to me? And third, how can we honor both of those things? listen remember what we're assuming about you and the person you're talking to you care about each other you are safe with each other you are listening to each other this is really the question to ask

to move into a place where you can disagree on what matters but still move forward how can you honor both of those things how can you honor what matters most to each of you now i think it's easy to make things too general in your head, you might think what matters to me is that things are clean. And then you assume that what matters to your partner is that, you know, he is messy, that he's allowed to be messy. But that's probably not what's really going on. Maybe what matters most of you is that you don't have to move his clothes to get to your own or something. Maybe it's that when it's time to gather up the laundry, you don't know what's dirty or what was just left on the floor, you know, rapture style. Maybe what matters is that you feel seen by your husband, that you

like things to be clean, and you're tolerating his dirtiness with no recognition for you being the one who's tolerating it and him not. The more specific you are, the more you drill down and make it smaller, the more you can indeed honor both of the things that matter to each of you. We'll be right back. Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life.

You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Okay, let me give you a personal example. So the first one is with my oldest son and his homework. So he's in sixth grade, which is middle school where I live. He has more homework than he did in elementary school. Now, if I stay big and broad in our disagreement, I could say that what matters to me is that he gets his homework done. And then I would assume, based on our arguments,

that what matters to him is that he can do whatever he wants and just be a cool middle schooler. Neither of those are actually true. So a couple of weeks ago, I realized that we were butting heads over homework so often that it was making me not look forward to afternoons at all. He does not get home from the bus stop until like 3, 45 or 4 o'clock. And we eat dinner at 5.30, y'all. And then three days of the five week days, he has something that he loves, but that interferes with like his regular after school time. He has piano lessons on Mondays pretty much right after school.

He has youth group on Wednesdays just after dinner with no homework time after that. And then he has soccer practice on Thursdays where we have to eat dinner at five so the boys can get there on time and not throw up when they're running around. So all that to say, fitting in homework and also piano practice and his practicing his saxophone for school band and all these fun things. It's hard. Fitting it all in is hard. And I was trying to do it for him. I believed that I knew best about how he should organize his time because you, y'all, I don't know if you know this, but I'm kind of a systems expert.

But guess what? Sam, he didn't care, and he doesn't need me to be a systems expert. He needed me to listen to him and honor what mattered to him within the boundaries of what he was responsible for. So a couple of weeks ago, we loosely had this conversation, this three-question conversation. I asked him how he wanted to handle his homework and what mattered to him about it. and he said that he doesn't really like doing his homework right when he gets home from school because he's been doing work all day already. That makes sense. He also said that now that he's older and going to bed later than he used to, you know, that he has time at night to do some homework and he doesn't mind. And that makes sense too. Then I shared with him what mattered to me,

which was that I did not want him waiting until the last minute because that is not where he thrives. he's better if he does a little bit at a time. And when he's up against a deadline, he just starts to spiral. And he agreed with me on that. When I pointed that out, he was like, oh, yeah, I do that. So something else that matters to me also is that Sam is learning how to manage his own time and what his own boundaries are so that he can manage it himself, that he doesn't need my help, right? Y'all like, no one automatically knows how to be responsible.

Some people are a little more naturally wired to handle it than other people, but all Ultimately, we need others to show us how to be a person and that that matters to me too. You know, like I want him to learn how to be his own person. I want to help Sam figure out how to do this on his own. So here's what we do now. On Mondays, we open up, we have this app that shows all this homework for the week. His teachers post the week's assignment at the start of the week. So we know what is due when.

And if there's a test, you know, that kind of thing. it's rare that an assignment gets added midweek so that's really helpful sometimes it is but so we look through those assignments um on the app on Mondays while his school paper planner is open the school gives like a little planner every kid gets one which i think of course my planner heart is so fun and then together sam and i work out when he's going to do something and those decisions always start with me asking him when would you like to get this assignment done i let him steer the ship. Now, sometimes I need to remind him that I'll have less time than he thinks because of soccer practice or something like that. But honestly, you guys, he's mostly recognizing those things

on his own. He has to read 150 minutes a week. And he is starting to learn that like spreading it out is helpful. He is studying for a test 10 minutes every day, realizing that it's better than cramming the Thursday night before and missing Thursday night football, which he loves that matters to him so we're working it out because we're honoring what matters to both of us planning so that there's no procrastination and blow-ups independence and then him not having to do all his homework in the afternoon and it is so much better than it used to be so much better so the gist here is to have a conversation that honors what matters most to each person and the only way you can do that is to name it out loud to each other so first

what matters to you second can i share what matters to me and third how can we honor both of those things you can use lazy genius principles to create like any any rhythms that are necessary to keep that honoring going you know sam and i batch his homework plan you know we do it all at once rather than discussing it each day we have a house rule that's another principle that if he follows through with his homework plan with a good attitude that he gets 10 bonus minutes of screen time at night, which is a lot of fun for him because our kids don't get screen time on school nights, except for when sports are on. We have decided once to go through his homework on Mondays after dinner. He has a routine of, because we build the right routines, he has a routine of

practicing his piano before he leaves for the bus stop so that he has more time to make his homework decisions and to do the fun things after school. It's all really, small, you guys, but having a kind conversation is really where it begins with the intention of honoring each person's needs equally. So again, what matters most to you about this? Can I share with you what matters most to me? And how can we honor both of those things? And that's how to move through disagreeing on what matters. Before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week it's Becky. I don't know your last name, Becky. I'm so sorry, but Becky sent this message. And it actually connects super well with last week's episode. I'm going to read it to you.

Hi, Kendra and team. I just wanted to share something that's been really helpful for me during the holidays. I got a blank planner at Hobby Lobby in 2017. The first pages are blank calendar pages, so I only fill in November and December each year. My planner will be good for six years. The back pages are blank and I use the blank pages for menu party planning, traditions I don't want to miss, gift ideas, holiday baking recipes, et cetera. Also, at the end of each holiday season, I make notes about what did or didn't work well so I can reference them the next year. It's become not only helpful, but a fun way to reminisce about the previous holiday seasons. Can you tell I just listen to Monday's podcast? Have a great week. I love this idea, Becky. I mentioned this

last week, actually, about how I love to look back at what I gave people the year before, because as I forget. So the episode that Becky is mentioning is probably episode 229, how to magic question the rest of 2021. And in last week's episode that I just mentioned, 234, 10 rules for holiday gift giving. I mentioned the whole thing about having the book that I can look back on and remember, which is so great. Now, what I love here is this undated planner idea. It takes it to a whole new level and I love it so much. It like, it makes me when I go try to find an a data planner that's like happy and fun, right? Because that was the whole thing is I wanted to make my tracking fun.

And my little notebook that I have my gifts in right now is black, which I don't know, is not as fun. So anyway, I also know some people who print out their holiday dockets and then hole punch them and put them in a three ring binder to look back on year after year. We've only had the holiday dock for like, I think three years maybe, but this is another great way to not miss what matters. Thank you, Becky, for sharing this fantastic.

idea and for being the lazy genius of the week. Okay, you guys, that's it for today. Thank you so much for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life? Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A-plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.