The Lazy Genius Podcast - #280 - How to Find Your Personal Style

Episode Date: September 19, 2022

A couple of weeks ago, I put up a very unofficial poll on Instagram asking what clothing-related problem was your biggest challenge, and finding your own personal style won out. This might feel like a problem no one else has, but let me assure it is not. It is not a singular problem that you struggle with that most people already have figured out. In fact, I think that it’s bigger than even I realized, so that’s what we’re going to talk about today - how to find your personal style.   Helpful Companion Links Episode #217: Let’s Talk About Your Body, Part One Episode #218: Let’s Talk About Your Body, Part Two Erin Stoll of @stylethieffashion My personal style Pinterest Board Follow me on Instagram @thelazygenius for 30 Days of Closet Permission. Download a transcript of this episode.   This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The ride that steals the spotlight every time it hits the road, that's the Volkswagen Tiguan. Its sleek exterior makes a first impression you can't ignore. Step inside to find available full leather seats and wood accents. Under the hood, the available 201 turbocharged horsepower engine gives it a fun to drive edge. The refined Tiguan, you deserve more style. Visit vw.ca to learn more. SuvW, German engineered for all. Hey there, you are listening to the Lazy Genius Podcast.

I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 280, How to Find Your Personal Style. A couple of weeks ago, I put up a very unofficial poll on Instagram asking what clothing-related problem was your biggest challenge and finding your own personal style won out. this might feel like a problem no one else has but just to kick this episode off let me assure you that it is not it is not a singular problem that you struggle with that most people already have figured out in fact i think it's maybe bigger than even i realized so that's what we're going to talk about today how to find your personal style now there are a lot of avenues we could take here you should have seen my whiteboard trying to map it all out there is a lot there's a lot of stuff and because

there's a lot, we're going to cover a lot today. But next week, we're going to continue the conversation and talk about actually getting dressed and kind of the daily decision of our clothes. But today, I'm going to share five quick encouragements on how to see your style. And then we're going to dive into a few practical things you can do to start small in figuring out what it is. Now, the very first thing that's very important to say is I am not an expert at all, at all. I am just a person who has practiced and is still learning what my personal style is, but I am an expert at applying lazy genius principles to different situations, and there are so many at work here. So I hope that you will find the structure helpful. So first, let's walk through the five perspectives I want you to consider when thinking about your personal style. Number one, your body is good. Your body is good. We're going to do a separate episode, a little ways down the road about how to navigate a body that is changing because that happens to all of us, often many times over our adult lives, but almost certainly, every person listening

struggles at some point with their bodies. I was talking to my friend Barry the other day about this and she said, you know, you cannot talk about clothes without talking about bodies. And she's right. Even when we talk about clothes with friends, we're also talking about bodies. We dress our bodies. Sometimes according to certain rules, we think we're supposed to to follow and to accentuate the parts of our bodies that are supposed to be highlighted and hiding the parts that we don't want anyone to see or we don't think people should see. How you dress is directly related to how you feel about your body. And I'm here to tell you that your body is good. No matter it's shape, size, abilities, anything, your body is good. Now, if you need a conversation

around that now and not wait for the Changing Bodies episode down the road, there are two episodes for you. We'll put them in the show notes, but they're episode 217 and 218 titled, Let's Talk About Your Body, Parts 1 and 2. So we won't get into details on that today, but I just want to remind you at the top that your body is good. It is good as it is. Number two, you don't have to be a fruit. So technically, I am an apple-shaped human. I don't necessarily like think of apples. when I look at myself in the mirror. But according to style gurus over the decades, I am an apple. Now, the best practices for an apple are wearing wrap tops, v necks, and a few other things that I

decidedly do not like. I do not like the shapes of clothing I am supposed to wear for my body type. So the perspective here is you don't have to be a fruit. Namely, you do not have to dress your body in the styles and shapes that. that are commonly suggested for you. You don't have to cinch your waist. You don't have to elongate your legs. You don't have to hide your tummy.

You don't have to do those things. Now you can, if they make you feel good and they make you feel like yourself, that you do not have to follow those rules. So many of those rules are made to create a body shape that is essentially the same. Everyone is trying to have some sort of hourglass body shape. And that is just not the standard that you have to follow.

that is not an ideal shape. It was proposed as an ideal shape a long time ago, and sadly it has stuck as the thing we're all chasing. You do not have to chase it unless you feel the most like yourself when your body is dressed to exhibit a certain silhouette. But you're not a fruit, and you don't have to dress like one if you don't want to. Number three, you don't have to follow trends unless you want to. There are so many questions and comments. that y'all shared on Instagram when I was asking like, what do you guys want to talk about? And one of the biggest themes was trends. You don't want to buy that kind of pant or that top or that jacket.

You know, you like what you like, but you kind of feel bad because it's not trendy. Guess what? You can keep buying what you like. Keep wearing what you like. Like what you like. Confidence in your own style transcends what you put on your body. So feel good. Feel like yourself.

when you get dressed, if that means that you follow trends or you follow some of them, or you maybe consider them, but then you let them go if they don't work. Like whatever it means, I want you to do what works for you, but feel like yourself. I think part of the reason we are stuck in trends is because we're buying clothes at stores that respond to trends. And so that could be a challenge, you know, if you're looking for like a straight-legged pant. But the only thing you can find at Target are wide leg pants or, you know, whatever. Notice that. Notice where you tend to look at clothes. And if it is at a store that more or less turns over its

styles very often, that means it's responding to trends. That doesn't mean that you have to. It just means you might need to find another resource for buying your clothes. Okay, number four, your personal style does not have to be stylish, or at least stylish in the way that you. you would likely define it. In other words, you don't have to care. Or you can care about comfort and simplicity. You can skip accessories. You can skip makeup. You can choose your own personal style. And it does not have to be stylish. And finally, number five, and this is the golden nugget right here, dress the way you want to feel. How do you want to feel? This past spring, I had a couple of conversations and a style consultation with Aaron Stoll from Style Thief Fashion on Instagram.

And this is my biggest takeaway from my time with her. I realized that so many of my clothes, they fit me fine. And some might even say they were flattering, which I honestly do not care about that very much. I think it's a slightly bogus rubric anyway, the word flattering. But I did not feel like myself in those clothes. It didn't matter how well they fit. I didn't feel like myself.

And for the longest time, that was just the line that I would say. I just don't feel like myself. But I didn't know what to replace it with. That is why years ago, and I'm pretty sure I shared this in the lazy genius way, that's why I stopped buying things that other people liked, which means I don't really go shopping with people anymore. Because even if something fits and someone else thinks it looks good, even amazing, if I don't feel like myself in it, I will not wear it. So I stopped going shopping with people, or at least relying on their opinions. I want to trust my own opinion based on what makes me feel like myself. So the question to ask is you figure out the particulars of your personal style, how do you want to feel? That was the question that Aaron proposed to me and it was such a game changer.

And much like many of the things that we talk about here in this space, you might have a few words to describe how you want to feel. But what word do you think matters most? So in the same way that we do, what could matter, what does matter, what matters most, you can write down some words to describe how you might want to feel. Then how do you want to feel? Then how do you want to feel the most often? Now, chances are how you want to feel will change sometimes, right, depending on your season of life or even what you're doing that day. So you're not locked into this word or this feeling forever. You are the boss. You are the decider. But rather than starting from what looks good, on my body or on your body. And the answer to that, you guys, is literally anything, if you feel

good in it, anything. The place we want to start is how do you want to feel? We're going to dive into some specifics of that in a minute. But these are the five perspectives I want you to really sit with while we talk about the particulars of lazy geniusing your personal style. So one, your body is good. End of story. Two, you don't have to be a fruit or dress like one. This idea of flattering clothes, they are based on a particular standard, and you do not have to be beholden to that standard unless that standard makes you feel like yourself. Third, you do not have to follow trends, again, unless you want to and they make you feel like yourself. Fourth, your personal style doesn't have to be terribly stylish. And fifth,

dress, not based on what looks good, but on how you want to feel. Now, let's get super practical. We'll be right back. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like playing Russian roulette with a flamethrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? More like Habinier Yes. Save the Everyday with Amazon.

Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find a us wherever you listen to your podcasts. I'm going to give you some personal style homework this week. You can do all of the assignments. You can just do one or you can skip them all, but notice what you like to do that would help you in this process if this process is one that you want to engage in as you listen. Now, we are going to use our five steps, do lazy geniusing anything, but we're only

going to do the first two today and we're going to apply them very specifically. Next week, we'll do the next three of the five steps. So today we're going to prioritize and, centralize. Next week we will organize, personalize, and systemize. Okay. The first thing that you could do, you don't have to do it, but the first thing you could do, to help you prioritize or name what matters about your personal style is to create a Pinterest board. I made one several years ago, as I was trying to figure out my style like a long time ago, where I just pinned outfits that I thought we're cool. And what's funny is as I say that, that is my biggest word, cool. I did not know it at the time, but I think it's funny that even as I'm just like saying this, like I was looking for outfits that

look cool. I wanted to look cool, not pretty, not classy, not feminine, not stylish, cool. Again, I didn't know that I liked cool outfits or I wanted to feel cool and what I wore. But if you were to look at my Pinterest board, and I will plan to post it in stories or something this week, but you would see a lot of black, a lot of leather jackets, tailored masculine details, torn jeans, choppy haircuts, aviator sunglasses. Like scrolling by board, there is an obvious vibe. There's an edge, often a masculine edge. And the simplest word to describe it for me is cool. Now, I am personally not very cool. Like not in personality or hobbies or social choices. I am a big reader who loves game nights and apple pie and not going out. I think I've gone out for drinks like twice in the

entirety of my life. And the last one was a couple of months ago. And it was the chillest version of going out to drinks one could ever have. So use me as an example to demonstrate that you don't have to feel weird about your word. Your word is for you. It is not for anyone else. If you want to feel pretty, it doesn't mean you need to be like Regina Georging yourself and be like, oh, so you think you're really pretty. I mean, personally, I would love for everyone to feel really pretty. I want that for everyone, or at least for everyone to feel like the word that they choose, whatever it is. But the point is, you're not being cocky or something by saying you want to consistently feel beautiful or pretty or cool or stand out or whatever. Those are not true things. It's not cocky. Don't let those faulty perspectives get in your way.

Okay, so back to the Pinterest board. Now what's funny as I look at my board now, there are outfits that I like fine, but the ones that are just fine, they do not have a cool element. The dress is pretty, but because the person in the photo is wearing classic pumps with the dress instead of like combat boots or sneakers or something, I don't love it as much. I can identify that now. There's one photo where it's actually not even really the outfit that I like because the outfit is fairly feminine. it's like a feminine dress. I do not do that. It's the woman. She's got like this rad haircut and cold sunglasses. She's barely smiling. I want to feel like she looks like she feels. So a Pinterest board is a great place to gather what you're drawn to and then look at it. Scroll it quickly.

What are you noticing? What patterns do you see? What colors do you see? What outfits or photos jump out? What are the textures or the details that keep showing up? What do they make you feel. I think it's just such a low risk place to start. It pays off really well and it's kind of fun. So that's the first thing that you can do. The second thing that you could do after your Pinterest board or you can just start right here with number two is to make that list of words of how you want to feel. Then hopefully you can narrow down to the one that you would like to feel the most or the most often. Now I remember someone asking if you could change your word every day. Of course, can. Absolutely. You are the boss of you here. There are like no style police going to come after you.

So, well, unless it's the early odds and Clinton and Stacey are chasing you down at a Bloomingdale's or something because I don't like your pants. Side note. Side note. I loved that show. I loved that show. What not to wear. But I think it messed us up. It was rare that someone post makeover looked anything other than a person like properly dressed based on their fruit-shaped body and then like a little sophistication added in. It was all about things that were flattering. And while it was so fun to watch, maybe some of these people who didn't care about style genuinely didn't have to change that. They could have kept wearing no makeup and their hair and a ponytail and soft pants and have been just fine. We don't all. We don't all.

all have to be dressed to the nines in order to feel like ourselves. There is a wide, wide spectrum, and we need to let ourselves and others exist on it. It is okay if the mom at the play date has on cute jeans and a top and you're in a sweatsuit. You are not a hot mess and she is not pretending or trying to be better than you. Okay. That's an unexpected little soapbox, but it is so important that as we choose words about how we want to feel, that we are relentlessly desperately kind to ourselves in what we choose and relentlessly and desperately kind to others in what they choose. Okay?

So back to the style words. Maybe you could have like a little sticky note on your closet door or something with your main words of how you want to feel on most days. And then you could just pick one each day. You know, it's like, how do I want to feel today? Because they could change. your style words will also directly impact the types of clothes you buy, which over time will be enormously helpful because you're curating a closet that fits you and how you want to feel, right?

Let's see how many times I can talk about feeling cool, but here's another example. So we need to give ourselves permission to define our word or words the way we want to. for example, my word of cool, okay? Right now, I am wearing one of my five pairs of Oxford shoes because I have decided that Oxford shoes are incredibly cool and I'm obsessed with them. By my definition, they are cool, okay? And because I feel that way about my shoes, I own zero heels. Zero. Why? Because to me and for me, heels are not cool. Now, some people might say that heels are very cool, but I get to decide what cool means to me and how I dress and heels do not fit that definition. So I literally do not own any. But Oxford

shoes, y'all, I could buy so many pairs of Oxford shoes. I love Oxford shoes so much. Your word or words, they will impact the clothes you buy. They totally, totally will, especially as you let them sit with you and get comfy over time. Okay, so start small with this. Start to write down your words, maybe inspired by your Pinterest board if you made one, that describe how you want to feel classy, pretty, confident, at ease, whatever comes to mind.

Try and create a short list of feeling words. Because honestly, that's going to impact your style more than anything else. Anything else. I am guessing that there are a lot of definitions of personal style, like what it is. But mine, here's mine. My definition of personal style is clothes that make me feel effortlessly like myself. Now, you can do that with super casual outfits, super dressy outfits, and everything in

between, right? In my experience, specific styled outfits or formulas or capsule wardrobes or trends of like put this with that. They are not going to be your personal saving grace, especially if you do not know how you want to feel. You have to name what matters to you and how you feel about yourself and your clothes. And it's really not about the clothes themselves.

Not at first anyway. Okay, so that's prioritizing. Now we're going to finish up this episode by essentializing. We're going to get rid of what's in the way and we're going to make sure that you have what you need. So the first thing I want you to do is name your season of life. What are you getting dressed for? This is a common question in a lot of like style blog posts and books and stuff for good reason.

You don't need a closet full of office clothes if you are home with little kids. Your clothes, they do need to reflect how you spend your time. So how do you spend your time? Now, listen up. Does that mean that if you're home with little kids that you should only have sweatpants and soft things? Zero percent. In fact, I already alluded to this. I think a lot of women in particular who love to express themselves with clothes and like put maybe a

little bit more intention into outfits, they feel badly doing it because the badge of honor of being a stay-at-home mom is that you're always kind of a mess. Yoga pants are like the uniform. Now listen, yoga pants can totally be your uniform and you can choose it with confidence. But if another mom chooses a different uniform that's maybe dressier or something different than you would choose, let them celebrate them. let's cheer each other on and whatever makes us feel like ourselves whatever it is whatever it is it's not a judgment on you it's not a judgment on them so as you name your season of life and how you spend most of your days there might be things that you know right away you can

remove from your closet you know there are things that don't fit your body or your life right now and it might be a good idea to remove them from your sight in your closet now if you are nervous that that means you are getting rid of like literally everything in your closet or you're giving it away or whatever you know don't don't do that don't give it away don't get rid of it don't throw it all out just remove the obvious from your closet and drawers wherever you keep your clothes remove what you don't need right now from your sight remove the things that don't make you effortlessly feel like yourself or are just not suited for the season of life and put them somewhere else now i want to name to that this particular process can be overwhelming and even guilt-inducing.

You know, it's overwhelming because you're like, I have to look through my whole closet. No, you don't have to do everything at once. I talk about this in the Lacey Genius Kitchen in the context of the kitchen, obviously. But do what I call a first pass. Just grab the obvious things that do not belong in your closet right now. You don't have to throw them out. Just remove them from your closet if they don't fit your body or your season of life. lovingly dress the body you have now in the season you are now in.

Okay? So just do a quick first pass. You don't have to do the whole closet. And I also know that it's like a little bit guilt-inducing because you feel bad getting rid of the things that you have spent money on and that makes you feel really bad. It's okay. Certain things are for certain seasons. You can sell them.

You can hold onto them if you want. The point is to get things out of your sight, out of your decision-making site. every day when you're trying to get dressed, okay? Now, this is your last piece of homework. And I think this is really, really fun and positive. You're going to play dress up. I want you to find one outfit, maybe even two or three or more, that are made up of pieces that you already own

that make you feel like yourself. Chances are you have something in your closet that you really enjoy wearing. Put on that outfit. Take a photo if you want. Find another two or three outfits. take photos of those if you want, and then I want you to look at those photos or just look at yourself in the mirror, and I want you to name what you like about the outfit. How does it make you feel? What is working? What are some of the things that you love about it? What is the shape of the outfit?

How do the pieces work together? Be specific, okay? Chances are you can replicate those outfits and their shapes and details and feelings to make a whole closet that matches your personal style. And that's what we're going to get to next week. Okay. So here's a big old recap of a big old episode. First, I want you to remember the five perspectives that are super helpful when thinking about your personal style, which we define as clothes that effortlessly make you feel like yourself. Okay? One, your body is. good. Two, you are not a fruit. Three, you don't have to follow trends. Follow yourself instead. Four, your personal style does not have to be stylish. And five, dress the way you want to feel.

Then, this week, make a Pinterest board. Pin like crazy and you can remove stuff later as you find what you like. Then make a list of style words that describe how you want to feel and see if you can even identify patterns or colors or fabrics or details that support those words. So you can prioritize shopping for the right kinds of clothes for you in the future. And then essentialize by dressing the body you have now in the season of life you're now in. One of the fun ways to start identifying how to do that is to play dress up with one to three or however many outfits that you have and specifically name how they make you feel, what you love about them, and details that you might want to replicate in any future clothing purchases or discoveries.

And the next week, we're going to talk about actual outfits and getting dressed, and it's going to be a lot of fun. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week, it is Mallory Fjord. Mallory sent me this message on Instagram. We have a local organization that will pick up donated clothes and household items from our home, but they are always booked out several weeks. Whenever I'm in clean-out mode, I'm never able to get an immediate appointment and inevitably forget to actually donate the items I've gathered. For reasons, unbeknownst to me, I continuously put it off and I have compiled an embarrassing amount of stuff that I do

not need to have in my house. I just went on their website and realized they accept appointments up to six months out. So I scheduled an appointment for the last Friday of every other month for the next six months and entered each date on my calendar. I hope this will help me to unload the items taking over my spare bedroom and also give me a deadline to go through the kids' clothes each season and giveaway items we have outgrown. This is such a great message and idea, Mallory, and I want all of us to quickly break down all of the lazy genius principles at work here, because there are a lot. First, ask the magic question. What can I do now to make something easier later? It sounds like Mallory was going on the website to try and make an appointment and saw the

that she could schedule ahead of time, but her initial attempt to schedule was something that would help her in the future. That was the magic question. Second, batch it. You made all the appointments at once, Mallory, instead of when you thought you needed them, right? Third, decide once. Mallory decided one time that the last Friday of every other month would be her like deadline clean out day, right? Four, live in the season. She has kids who are growing out of clothes and rather than get frustrated and hamstrung by that. She is living in the season. And then fifth, principal alert building the right routines. She is building the right routines. She wants to have a home full of things that matter. And now she's creating a routine that will regularly help her clean out the things that she

and her family no longer made. Sixth, so many principles, put everything in its place. The spare stuff is in our spare bedroom, which is a great thing. It's a great thing to have a singular place. But always remember, as Mallory has, that stuff you no longer know, need should never have a final resting place in your actual house. It's hard because you want to put everything in its place and you want to give those donated things a home so that they're not everywhere, but remember that they can never be in their final home in your home. And it takes another step or two to get those things out of your house. That's why I love the idea of it's a tightening tip I've shared before where you have one path out. I've talked about that for years. Mallory is having one

organization get everything. She's not saving this pile for this person and going to try to sell this pile, you know, on Facebook Marketplace and then take this pile to the thrift store, one path out. It is usually so much easier that way. And I think I'm also saying a lot of kindness in here too. Mallory is adjusting her approach little by little to find a solution that works and is being kind to herself in that process. So that's like, that's eight lazy genius principles in this one message. And I love it so much. So thank you for writing in Mallory and congratulations on being our lazy genius of the week. Okay, y'all, that's it for today. Thank you so much for listening. And I hope you enjoy moving towards a better sense and comfort with your personal style.

Remember, next week is essentially part two of this conversation where we'll talk about the practical side of getting dressed. Also, we'll have a lot of fun stuff on Instagram this week and next, including something I'm calling 30 days of closet permission. If you would like little tibbets of encouragement as you dress yourself and move into the world as your truest self, follow me at The Lazy Genius, and I hope that you get that encouragement. Thank you for listening, and until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life?

It's so dangerous to live that, more dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life, because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't. change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A-plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.