The Lazy Genius Podcast - #289 - How to Lazy Genius Holiday Expectations

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

This Thursday is American Thanksgiving, and we’re coming up on a season of lots of holidays, and with those holidays come many many expectations. You have them, your kids have them, your parents have them, your boss has them, the Internet has them… it’s a whole vibe. So today, we’re going to talk about how to be a Lazy Genius about the holiday expectations you will encounter from others and from within yourself.   Helpful Companion Links Episode #40: The Lazy Genius Navigates Family Tension Episode #224: When Things Don’t Go According to Plan Episode #87: The Lazy Genius Guide to Flexibility Episode #235: When You Disagree On What Matters Check out my books The Lazy Genius Kitchen and The Lazy Genius Way Download a transcript of this episode. This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey there, you are listening to the lazy genius podcast. I am Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 289. How to Lazy Genius holiday expectations. This Thursday is American Thanksgiving, and we're coming up on a season of lots of holidays. And with those holidays come many, many expectations. You have them, your kids have them, your parents have them, your boss has them, the internet has them. them. It's a whole vibe. So today we are going to talk about how to be a lazy genius about the holiday expectations you will encounter from others and from within yourself. So why does this matter? I would say because pretty much every single argument or frustration or disappointment you have ever had centers on unmet expectations. Are you mad at your kid for not cleaning his room? it's because you expected him to do it and he didn't. Are you mad at your partner for not hoping you clean up after the dinner that you made? It's because you expected them to and they didn't. Are you mad at the weather for raining out your literal holiday parade? It's because you expected to have a good time and you

didn't. Everything comes down to expectations. So it's really important to name that that exists, right, going into this season. Now, listen, even as I say this, I don't want you to think that you're about to listen to, like, some downer of an episode. I can kind of hear the trajectory already of my words and I can feel the sadness creeping in. When I was a kid, my mom called me Eeyore. That was my nickname because to me everything was like the worst. You know, I was very much a like, thanks for notice and me kind of kid. And while I actually genuinely adore Eeyore and I need someone actually to make me like a justice for Eeyore t-shirt, that would be great. I also want to say that this is not a solely Eeyore episode, you know? There's like a little, there's like a little,

there's a little nervous pig pig lid energy in here there is some rabbit and owl energy for sure too but i am mostly going to try and channel my inner poo and my inner kanga maybe a little tigger as we navigate this the holidays are meant to be lovely and connective and something to mark no matter your situation or what matters to you it is the rare person who just completely dismisses this season and is full on scrooge. How many characters can I name here today, you guys? Let's see. So I just want us to be honest about the importance of unmet expectations. I want us to kindly and creatively think about how we can lazy genius those expectations so we can enjoy ourselves and our people. And I'm going to try to make it not super heavy.

Okay, cool. So the unmet expectations are generally from two places, within you and outside of you. You have your own expectations. You have your own expectations. expectations of how something should go, or you are unknowingly at the mercy of someone else's expectations. The second part of this is a boundary. We're going to talk about expectations, but we're also going to talk about boundaries, because expectations always require boundaries of some kind. You'll need a boundary for yourself when your expectations are not met. you'll need a boundary for yourself when someone else's expectations of you are not met and they're not letting you know that or at least not directly it's almost impossible to live in a world with

expectations and navigate those expectations without some sort of boundary okay so let's break this down let's start with your own expectations let's say that you have an expectation that dinner around the thanksgiving table this week is going to be pleasant and kind. No hot button topics, no arguing, no passive aggressive comments, that then the people gather and the people don't behave the way you hoped they would. Now, that does something to you on the inside. It's disappointing. You have to process the emotions that come up. You might experience memories of past holidays where the same thing happened and you wish that you had a family that operated differently. in summary, unmet expectations often create emotional labor. They just do. You have to deal with it,

whether you want to or not. Now, your version of dealing with it could be stuffing it down, which is the thing, but then it stays there and it doesn't metabolize and you stay mad or distant or disappointed. And now we're very much for sure in your territory here. So before that happens and before that catches you off guard, you can think like a lazy genius. Okay? First, you need to name your expectations. Sometimes we don't know what they are until they're not met. That is true for me quite often, but try to name what you can.

Imagine, use your imagination and imagine what would make your holiday gathering or whatever scenario you're thinking about. What would make it really great? And then imagine what would make it really disappointing. that can really help you pinpoint what your expectation might be for that thing. And now, now that you know your expectation, you have two choices. You can share that expectation with others and let people in, or you can have a plan in your head for kindly letting it go

or kindly creating an environment where you can process the disappointment if it's not met. And that process, either way, will often include boundaries. because here's the thing, even if your expectation is met, let's say it is met. Holding onto it firmly and fiercely as you wait to see if it's going to be met, it will drain you of energy. It absolutely will. So instead, no matter what happens, you can begin even now to let that expectation go or to just hold it loosely and create boundaries for yourself on how to deal with the disappointment of the unmet expectation if it comes. or maybe you're like, I don't want to let it go. Maybe that expectation really matters to you.

For example, like that kind holiday table, you can share that expectation with your family. Now, different families have different dynamics, obviously. So I'm not saying that every single idea that I'm about to share works here for every situation. Like, obviously, that's not a thing. But if the expectation matters enough for you to share it, you could text everyone with something that's like, that's honest, but is also humorous and diffusive. Like, I'm excited to hang out with everybody this week. Let's all go home with only leftovers and no silent treatments. So keep your hot button topics at home, but bring leftover containers because we'll

for sure have plenty of food, you know, something like that. Or you could bring that same energy to the table as you sit down, like it doesn't have to be ahead of time, like saying something humorous but honest about staying kind or confined. or confining topics to a certain category or something. If you are a praying family, you could even like make a joke in your very genuine prayer, you know, like God,

we're grateful for this time to be together. May our conversation honor you. May we all keep our hot button topics to ourselves. May all of us go home with smiles and leftovers instead of silent treatments and anger issues. You know, I don't know. Like, will all these ideas work for you and your family? No, not at all, not at all.

But the point here is that if your expectation, in whatever scenario, if it matters enough to you, you can say it, maybe. You can say your expectations. If a kind table matters, you can speak to that. You really can. Now, if you're like, no, Kendra, I can't. I can't. Because I'm the baby of the family.

Nobody listens to me. Or they all like to argue or, you know, whatever the reason is. I get that. I get that. I'm not saying that this works everywhere, obviously. but what that does mean is if you're not going to say it out loud, if you're not going to say your expectation out loud, you will need to kindly and creatively let your expectation for a kind table or whatever the thing is, go. Now you can model what you hope for, but you also need to

create boundaries now. Remember, expectations require boundaries. So if you have an expectation that is not met. You can have boundaries in place for how you are on the inside, and you also might have boundaries for how you behave on the outside. Maybe your boundary that you put in place beforehand is that if the table conversation hits a point where you are uncomfortable, or if a certain topic is breached, and you know, you know that your family has not read any books by Sarah and Beth from Pantsuit Politics on how to have conversations when you disagree. You can have a boundary where you just leave the table. You don't have to announce anything or make it a thing. Just have your boundary in place for yourself where you're not going to

sit in the room when something that is inappropriate to you or uncomfortable to you is happening. And you could just leave. You just leave a room. Go into a different room. That's a boundary. Another boundary could be that you're not going to engage if someone, you know, bates you or says something that makes you uncomfortable. For example, let's say you're a single person and a family member that you don't see except at like Thanksgiving and Christmas. They always seem to have a comment about you're still being single like it's a tragedy or something. Your expectation or your hope is that no one will make your single. something to be solved while you're eating mac and cheese. But you also know there's a chance that that expectation will not be met. So you can have a boundary. You can have a boundary of like a prepared

line, you know, like a way that you respond when someone asks you about your relationship status. You know, you can say with like lightness and kindness, but also candor, I'm not going to answer that. Or my life is way more interesting than whether or not I'm single. So, can you think of a different question or something, you know, you can create a conversational boundary before you enter a scenario of unmet expectations. So name your expectations and then decide if it's an expectation you want to make known because it matters or if it's an expectation that you need to release. Name what boundaries or guardrails can create a path for you to stay centered. and feel like yourself and tapped into kindness in what matters most, as opposed to staying in, like,

major Eeyore energy about these unmet expectations. Now, being Eeyore for a little while is fine. Like, again, I love Eeyore. But I don't think any of us want to stay that way forever, you know? I think that's why I really love the 100 acre wood. Like, you need everybody. You need everybody in that 100 acre wood to experience kind of completion. You need piglets fear so that you can see what matters.

You need Tigger's enthusiasm so you can enjoy your life. You need Kangas nurturing so you can feel safe. You need owls smarts so you can see things pragmatically. You need rabbits perfection because sometimes you want to put effort into things. You need Poo's contentment so you can be okay when things don't go according to plan. And you need Eeyor's sadness so you can engage with emotions that tell you truths about yourself. Oh my gosh. You guys, it's a hundred acre with the Enneagram.

I think that's another episode for another day, but I am super intrigued by of this now, very excited. The point, name your expectation, decide what you're going to do with it, and then create a kind boundary so you'll still feel like yourself. We'll be right back. Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Next up are expectations that others have of you. That's a biggie, especially during the

holidays. Grandparents might have an idea of when and where and how you celebrate a holiday. There are expectations about gift giving and who's cooking and how long you spend together. and how each person exists in their family of origin, you know, like who has what role? There are seriously a lot of expectations swirling around out there in our families. So what do you do? Kind of the same thing that we just did for your own expectations. You can compassionately name that your mother or mother-in-law or grandmother or kid or somebody who's getting a little huffy or weird or mad or withdrawn.

You can name that they have an unnamed, unmet expectation. because we all have them, we all experience that, you can model the compassion to notice, to notice someone else's unmet expectation. Now, you might notice, let's say that your mother is clipped in how she's speaking to you. And in holidays past, you might have just ignored it because it's not worth it. And perhaps even in this holiday, you do the same, that that's your boundary. You know, perhaps your mother has not done the work to name her own stuff and you will get sucked into a conversation that is not profitable for either of you because your mother is not kind or

compassionate in her own processing of the situation. So the answer isn't to always name the expectation for the person outright and then like move into it. Sometimes that's emotionally dangerous depending on the relationship. But you can name it for yourself. You can notice that your mom is speaking in short sentences that is for sure. an indicator that something is wrong, even if she says that nothing is. You can think about your mom and name that maybe she's dealing with unmet expectations

of having help from everyone else, of hearing lots of gratitude because she's been cooking for hours and no one has said thank you yet, and that's hard. You can notice that your grandmother, her mother-in-law, makes your mom nervous. And maybe she's dealing with her own parental pressure. You're showing empathy. Even if you don't engage directly in what you think is causing your mom or anyone else stress, by naming that she is having an unmet expectation in her own head, even if she doesn't know it herself, you're able to have empathy and to soften.

You can have compassion for the situation. Then you can stay within your own personal boundaries of how to respond. That might not mean saying, hey, mom, you seem upset. Is it because you have a toxic relationship with grandma and you feel like she's judging you all the time? That might not be the best path. But you can go up to her maybe if it's within your own boundary and say, thanks for working so hard on this meal, Mom, anything I can do to help? Enter in in whatever way stays true to your own boundaries.

Having boundaries, listen to this please. Having boundaries does not exclude love. In fact, I think the two are directly linked. Boundaries are loving because they honor the relationship and the individuals within them. So don't think that you're being a bad kid or parent or person by having boundaries. They're actually really loving for yourself and for your people, even if not everybody is on board with them all the time. So you might see that someone else has an unmet expectation. and name it with them if the relationship is safe enough to do that or for them just within yourself,

right? Now, what if someone else has an expectation of you personally? Maybe they say it and maybe they don't. What do you do then? A great example of this is relatives who have different expectations of how Christmas gifts for your kids should work and different expectations than you have. you know, you don't want more, you know, quote unquote junk. And they want to get everything shiny and sparkly from the store so they can see the joy on their grandkids' faces, right?

What do you do then? Okay, so let's walk through the expectations and boundaries and what you can do with them in this situation. Maybe you have an expectation that your parents or in-laws or whoever will finally honor your request to not get your kids' toys and instead get your kid an experience. that's something I see in here often when people talk about this challenge. You have that expectation, right? You have that expectation that they're finally going to honor what you've asked. Okay. Now, do you share that expectation again this year? Or do you let it ride and see what happens? Make that decision and then adjust your own expectations appropriately. If you don't remind them that that is your expectation, they might not remember. You think they should because it feels really essential and

important to you, but because it's not as important to them probably as it is to you, they will lead with what is important to them, which is like getting a bunch of presents for their grandkid and seeing them freak out. So acknowledge that. Don't make assumptions or automatically resent them when they don't honor an expectation or boundary that you haven't spoken to in a while. okay so you've named the expectation you've named what you're going to do with it are you going to say something or not now you can put a boundary in place for when that expectation is still unmet or you might instead need a boundary of how you talk to them about the expectation maybe the boundary is that you only text the words or that you only speak the words with your voice depending on the situation

maybe the boundary is that as the in-law you don't want to be the one to have the conversation you want your partner to do it. So whatever it is, whatever it is, name whatever boundary or guardrail or pathway would be helpful for you as you navigate an unmet expectation. You can also name what boundary you'll put in place for yourself when someone else's expectation of you is not met. How will you handle a disappointed grandmother? How will you handle a passive partner? How will you handle a sad kid? What boundaries will you put in place for yourself so you can be available to your people in whatever way feels appropriate or necessary for that relationship? Expectations and boundaries. Boundaries and expectations. Every holiday is full of both.

either unnamed, unmet, really strong, completely absent, and everything in between. But if you can start to see your holiday situations, even the most benign of examples, with the lens of expectations and boundaries, I think you'll be able to better navigate what you need and what other people might need. Is there an unmet expectation from you or someone else? Does that expectation even have to do with you? Are you staying within your boundaries and within the boundaries of the other person? How can you model that?

But also, how can you not depend on everyone else following your example in order to be okay? How can you just exist as a person without feeling responsible for how everyone else is doing? I think that kindly speaking this language within yourself of expectations and boundaries during the holidays will give you a kinder, softer posture towards yourself and towards others. Okay, now here are a couple of final quick thoughts that are sort of related but not really as we close. First, your only choice isn't to just react to someone violating your boundaries or not meeting your expectations. You can exist in that tension for a beat and be okay. Or you can plan ahead for when that happens, okay?

Your only choice is not to just react. Second, remember that whatever you decide to do, this holiday season, is not forever. Sometimes we have specific expectations or boundaries for a certain season, and that does not make it the rule for the rest of your life. Third, remember that so much of our stress around holiday expectations. is likely anticipatory stress. I remember Beth Silver's giving me that term several years ago, and anticipatory stress is a bear.

It's a bear. So name it. Release it. Worry is just fear of something that hasn't happened yet. So try and soften toward that anticipatory stress, right? You can let it help you name what matters to you, and you can also relax around it. I realized this episode, it did stay more on the ER side of things.

I'm sorry about that. but I hope it is a helpful resource for you these next few weeks. Even if your family gets along great, you know, it's not, this is not just valuable for people that are experiencing like lots of generational trauma. Like, we're just people bumping into other people. This is going to happen in small and big ways. A couple of other episodes from the archives that might help are episode 244 when things don't go according to plan. Episode 40, the lazy genius navigates family tension. Episode 87, the lazy genius guide

to flexibility. And episode 2.35 when you disagree on what matters. I hope that those help too. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. I am super excited about this one today because of how much holiday travel might be happening for us shortly, even in the next day or two for some of you. And this tip from Brianna Woolmer is travel related, and I think fantastic. Here is what Brianna writes. One of the things that stresses me out about packing is that logistically, it would be a huge help to load the van the night before. But it feels like we can't because of all the last minute stuff that we can't pack until after using it the day. It's time to go.

Like toothbrushes, hair straightener, the baby's sound machine. et cetera. Enter what I call the last minute bag. It's just the bag we use for all those things that we still need the day of travel, but everything else can be loaded up the night before. It has saved my sanity and lowered my stress levels for several trips now. It's so simple that I'm sure everyone that has already thought of it, but just in case it can help someone traveling for the holidays I wanted to share. Well, Brianna, I had never thought of it, and I'm sure a ton of other people hadn't either. That is the thing about tips like this that I love so much. So often the solutions that we need are really simple, but we just can't see them. Plus, I love the name the last

minute bag. I love that. Names really matter, y'all. They help contextualize us within our problems and systems, and they help us know what something is or where it goes. So, Brianna, this is such a great tip, especially for this season, and thank you so much for sharing it. Congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. That's it for today. Happy Thanksgiving, you guys. Thank you so much for listening and until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch.

I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, But there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.