The Lazy Genius Podcast - #301 - How to Kindly Navigate a Changing Body

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

This episode isn’t about how to kindly change your body. It’s about kindly navigating the fact that your body is changing. Those are two very different things. Our bodies are present with us at all times, and yet we often have such strange, sometimes even contentious, relationships with them. I want to relax that tension today in how we talk about changing bodies because my guess is you’re already hard enough on yourself about it.   Helpful Companion Links Body episodes: #46 - The Lazy Genius Loses Weight, #217 - Let’s Talk About Your Body Part One, and #218 - Let’s Talk About Your Body Part Two Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Episode #259: 5 Steps to Lazy Genius Anything Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! Download a transcript of this episode.   This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. you're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 301, how to kindly navigate a changing body. First, I want to say words to the handful of men who listen to this episode. I encourage you to listen. Maybe this is not a huge issue for you, but it likely is for the women in your life, for your wife or your sister or your daughter or your friend. I just you to listen to this episode so you can get a more comprehensive understanding of what it means to be a woman with a body in the Western world. Now, if you are new here and you got sent this episode,

you might be a little worried. Like, you don't know me. You don't know what I'm going to say. So first, welcome. Second, this episode isn't about how to kindly change your body. It's about kindly navigating the fact that your body is changing. And those are two very, very different things. And in some ways, navigating is harder. Like it's less clear, right? Now changing our bodies, we understand what that means. It's a huge industry. There is no deficit of information for that process. But navigating the fact that change happens and then what we do with that, that's a little trickier. So today's episode is clothed in kindness because it needs it. Our bodies, they are present with us all the time.

And yet we often have such strange, sometimes even contentious relationships with them. So I want to relax that tension today and how we talk about changing bodies because my guess is you're already hard enough on yourself about it. And I for sure I'm not going to add an ounce to that. So if you are new, welcome. And I hope that this is a kind and safe place for you. Now, before we jump in, we have done a handful of episodes about bodies over the years. so you can find those in the show notes. We'll also have a body playlist in the next issue of the latest Lazy Listens,

the biweekly recap and resource guide for the podcast. It's emailed out every other Friday. So if you would like to get any extra words or resources about this episode or any of the episodes, you can sign up at the link in the show notes or at the lazy jeaniescollective.com slash listens. Speaking of listens, do you guys hear the dog in the background? like the yappy dog is very angry and I have I have a deadline so I have to record even though the dog is yapping very angrily behind me so if you can hear it super sorry if you can't I'm so

glad because she mad okay the very first thing I want to say out of the gate listen up is that external solutions will not solve internal problems external solutions will not solve internal problems. We will for sure, you know, dive into this more, but it is rare that a changing body or your reaction to your changing body is only external. It is almost impossible to escape the internal messages about what our bodies are supposed to be, but we don't tend to those messages. Instead, we tend to the body itself, to the external. Essentially, we're going in the wrong order. Now, can you experience some inner healing by tending to the external, whether it's in your body or your

morning routine or your relationship with a partner? Of course you can. External solutions aren't bad, nor do you have to be completely at peace with whatever inner struggle you're having in order to pay attention to the external of anything. They run congruently. However, you will not experience the fullness of your external solution if you do not strongly consider and even prioritize the internal problem. If you don't pay attention to the internal messages and then work on kindly shaping them into something new, you will never fully experience freedom in whatever body you have or freedom in whatever external solution you're trying. So that is our foundation today. external solutions will not solve internal problems.

Next, let's look at what I mean by a changing body. There are so many ways your body could change. So many. Pregnancy, postpartum, aging, illness, injury, stress, hormonal shifts. A lot of things impact our bodies, how they look and how they perform. Now, I'm pretty sure I've said this in some earlier episode about the body, but I find it really interesting that most, if not all of the struggles around the changing body do not exist for people whose bodies are getting smaller or stronger.

If your body is changing in a way that is aligned with the culturally acceptable version of a body, especially a woman's body, this change is not seen as a change. challenge or a struggle. It's exciting. It's liberating. It's fun to buy new clothes. In the decades of being entrenched in diet culture, of going on diets, of being around people who have had changing bodies, I have never heard a single person, a single person, mourn that they have to get new clothes for a smaller body. It's not a financial hardship. It's not an annoying errand. It's not irresponsible. Isn't that interesting? In general, bodies that get smaller are rewarded for changing, even within ourselves.

Now, you might say that you're trying to keep your body from changing so you can fit in your clothes. I get that. But what if your body got smaller? I don't think the perspective would be the same. You would just sell your current clothes and buy smaller ones. Or if you do actually have the money to do it, my guess is that your perspective toward that money would be fairly different if you're buying smaller clothes versus bigger ones. That's just something I want you to notice in yourself as we talk about this. Because what does that communicate, guys? That smaller bodies are more valuable. We intrinsically believe that. Now, you might be the rare, rare person that would feel just as frustrated having to buy smaller

clothes versus bigger ones, but I have not yet met that person. We have been taught for decades that smaller bodies are better, more valuable, more worthy of attention and celebration, and they are the finish line to cross. That's why women spend their entire lives dieting and managing and tracking and counting and limiting. Smaller bodies are more valuable. Someone asked me recently in a comment how many calories were in a serving of some kind of food that I shared. And it was the weirdest thing because I have not thought about or looked at calorie counts in years. years. I was like, I don't, I don't know. Like, I don't, I don't know. And there was a lovely realization that happened in me that this thing that was once so pervasive and constant and just in

the water all the time, it is so much farther from my thinking than it used to be. And maybe that's the case with a lot of you as it relates to food. Maybe you have embraced intuitive eating, or you realize that diets are frustrating for you and not hopeful, or that you just want to spend your energy on something that matters more, right? I get that. But, and here's where this episode will really find its skeleton. You can have a healthy relationship with food, but still struggle with your body. You can still trust that your body is hungry when it's hungry and full when it's full. You can enjoy food. You can trust that your body knows what it needs. You can value tending to your body while also releasing the pressure of following a restrictive

meal plan, like you can do all those things and still struggle with your body, especially when it changes. So let's talk about that. Let's talk about that next frontier, kindly navigating your changing body. We'll be right back. Amazon presents Jeff versus Taco Truck Salsa, whether it's Verde, Roja, or the orange one. For Jeff, trying any salsa is like, playing Russian roulette with a flame thrower. Luckily, Jeff saved with Amazon and stocked up on antacids, ginger tea, and milk. Habaniero? More like habanier, yes. Save the everyday with Amazon. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life,

whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Just a content warning for this next part. I am about to share part of my own story, and part of that story involves disordered eating and also sexual abuse. So if you are not in a place to hear words about that, you can skip ahead about five minutes or go do something else. that's kind for where you are right now. So my story, quick part of it.

So my dad, my dad is not great. He is not in my life anymore. He was sexually and emotionally abusive. And I grew up with the message that my only value came from a man's approval of me. And since men were primarily interested in women as sexual objects, that's the other thing I was taught. My value, therefore, came from a man's approval of how sexually attractive I was. My body was the only thing that mattered. But it also had to be a certain kind of body. Now, this is still like such a tender memory, and I have done a lot of healing from this,

but I still remember this like it was yesterday. When I was in high school, I was about 16, my dad told me that things would go a lot better for me if I looked like, one of my friends. Let's call her Sally. He said, and I quote, things would go better for you if you looked like Sally. Now, for those of you who don't know what I look like, I am 5'3, even though I do have very tall person energy. I have brown hair, and at the time it was the sweetest, mousiest brown hair that had not seen a proper haircut in a while. I would also never categorize myself as any sort of body shape as better or worse, because that's not a thing. but for the majority of my life, I have been the before in a before and after of like flat stomach

ass. My body has usually been the before, the thing that's supposed to change. I also have the skin of snow white that will practically catch fire if in the sun too long. So that's me. That's neutral information. Now let me tell you about Sally, also neutral information. Sally is almost six feet tall with the most beautiful golden brown skin that tans if she walks to the mailbox. Sally has blonde hair at the time it was long. She's also an athlete, so she's always been fit and strong. Also for the record, Sally is delight. I love Sally.

I love her. I don't see Sally much anymore because obviously we went to high school together and that's all. But I left her then and I love her now. This is not Sally's problem. Sally's awesome. My father was the one who was not awesome. This man who contributed to the creation of my life and was tasked with loving me and teaching me about the world told me when I was 16 years old that it would be better for me if I could grow eight inches, tighten up, adopt a completely different skin tone, and change my hair to blonde. No big deal.

Now, you can imagine what that did for me as a teenager. many things obviously, not to mention like the other abuses from him at his hand. But the message I carried out of that about my body was that my body was not correct. And I'm an anagram one, you guys. So those like all or nothing binary thoughts are easy for me to cling to. So if Sally was right, that made me very, very wrong. So I hid my body. I wore baggy clothes.

I did not focus on my appearance. In fact, I even looked down on my peers that did. I acted like it was shallow to care about your appearance on your body and I was better than that. But the truth was I wanted to care so badly. I wanted something that they had that I could not have. I could not access the body I thought was valuable. And that meant I was doomed to a life where I would miss out on my value and my affirmation. because the people who are supposed to give me that were men, and men only saw your value if they thought

you were hot. That was my formula. And not to be too on the nose with this, but I was not the answer. I was not the answer to that formula. So fast forward to college, and I got sucked into diet culture. I had always thought I couldn't have the body I was supposed to have. But then the messages I received told me that maybe I could. Maybe I could change my body to fit this narrative. I mean, there's so many tools, right? So many tools to help me. So I did the things you're supposed to do. The eating and the exercise and the salmon and the leafy greens and the almonds for a snack and crap like that. But my body didn't change. So I developed an eating disorder for almost a year. I ate maybe 400 to 800 calories a day and that was it. Now you guys, that is not enough to sustain a life and a body. And so my body

absolutely changed to them. And I was praised for it. It was easier to find clothes. It was fun to get dressed. I felt like I was pretty and noticed and valuable to men. But as is the story with pretty much everyone else in the situation, it was empty praise. And I, started to realize how dangerous my choices were, both physically and emotionally. So slowly over the next few years, I started to feel loved for being me, not for what my body was and how appealing it might be to a man. But through that process of emotionally growing, my body physically changed. I started having babies. And that will do it, guys. I resented my belly so much. I couldn't get it back to where I thought it should be after I had Sam.

And then Ben came just two years, almost to the day later. So I never recovered from one, let alone two. So then I got back on that management train to change my body, not my mindset or my perspective on myself, my body. My body was changing and I had to change it back. Now back to what? No idea. But to something other than what it was. Now I would say that I wanted to feel healthier or I wanted to fit in my clothes so I didn't have to get new ones because that just felt like a waste or irresponsible or that I just quote I feel better when I don't eat sugar.

I'm going to shoot you straight right now. That is not my story. I do not feel better when I don't eat sugar. I have gone on that journey. It was not a pleasant journey for me. Now that is not the case for everyone. But some of us just believe the lie. And I was one of those people. I was trying to solve an internal problem with an external solution. And nothing worked because it never does. Then I had Annie. I had a daughter. And I did not want her feeling about her body the way I felt about mine. So I started learning a new way to be. I read books and followed people on Instagram and listen to podcasts.

and I learned how I had been held hostage by this idea that my body needed to be a certain way in order to be okay. You know, if it didn't meet the standard, then it required management and adjustment. And I was just shook by how much energy and time and thought and money and angst I spent resisting my changing body. It made me really sad. So I slowly changed my relationship. with food first, and then eventually, and even still, my relationship with my body.

Now, listen, my body is still changing. It's gone up a couple sizes in the last two years, and I have struggled through that. I care for my body, and I tend to its needs, and I move it, and I feed it, and I honor it as best I can. And my body continues to change currently by getting larger. And there are days, often triggered by hormones, where I have to fight so hard to kindly navigate that change. I have to fight against the message that I've received that a smaller body is a better body, which is an absolute trash lie. I have to tell myself that my body is good. I have to remember that my being sexually attractive to a man is not my measuring stick. I have to look ahead at the summer and name practically that, hey, I need some new swimsuits that fit me better. And also that my

my own assurance of my worth, body, mind and soul, that is more important than like my imaginary fictional woman at the pool who's going to notice that I'm in a bigger body this summer compared to last. The work is still there, is what I'm saying. But to me, that work is worth it. Like, I could go back to the management of trying to change my changing body. I could. I know how to do that. But it is so much easier and kinder and more grounding to honor my body as it is now to speak to the internal challenges that exist and resist the urge to fix those internal lies with external solutions, especially when those external solutions are simply for making my body smaller. Both approaches are challenging, but one is also good.

So I've talked for a long time already, and we haven't even gotten into the particulars of kindly navigating your changing body. But I hope that my story reminds you of the nuanced, sometimes kind of sneaky difference between kindly navigating a changing body and trying to change a body that you have not really truly welcomed or been kind to. everyone can have autonomy and how they present their bodies and themselves to the world. You are not automatically a liar if you say you're trying to lose five pounds so you can have more energy with your kids. That is not my call to make because I do not know you. And also that's not kind. But I want to remind you today that there is a difference. It is a nuanced, slippery difference, but there is a difference between kindly navigating the fact that your body is changing and kind of quietly applying external solutions to internal problems that you haven't adequately named yet.

Weight is not health, size is not health, even health is not health. Health is not the rule. One of the reasons that our bodies change is because of illness or injury, whether it's temporary or chronic. And if your changing body will very likely not change back to what it was before, you want your after to be full of of kindness and confidence. It's not that you're like happy you have to navigate chronic pain or that you can't move the way you used to or that your hormone imbalance has caused weight retention in an unexpected way. You don't have to like throw a party for those things. They're challenging. They can be hard. That's why the title of this episode isn't how to accept your changing body because that is a spectrum and lifelong work likely with no finish line. And it's definitely not

how to change your changing body. But navigating. working through, paying attention to it in the moment, and doing that kindly, that you can learn to do. We'll be right back. So as we close, I want to share a few situations where your body might be changing and help you name maybe the internal belief and your attempted external response. Hopefully seeing a few examples of this will kind of help you find yourself in the narrative and also give you kinder eyes to find tools. that actually support what matters to you, not just tools to change your body. Okay. So the first change is pregnancy.

This can go so many ways internally. When I was pregnant, my internal belief was I'm valuable now because my big belly is accepted. Like, I love being pregnant because it removed the obsession I had over my stomach. My stomach was supposed to get bigger, and I loved that freedom. But there are other internal messages when you're pregnant. Maybe that you'll never look the way you once did again, or that everything will be different from now on. It's kind of that whole narrative of pregnancy ruining your body. Now, does pregnancy change your body? Absolutely. Is your body supposed to naturally bounce back?

No. Is it okay if that happens to some bodies and not yours, of course? Is it okay if it happens to your body? And you feel weird about it because people kind of like demonize bouncing back. Of course it's okay if it happens to you. But believing the narrative that your body before pregnancy is good and then your body after pregnancy is just like a holding ground to get back to that form of good. That is a belief that will create a huge barrier in the kind navigation of your changing body. But the external solution that we apply to the belief that our body will never be that way again is that we lean into the frumpiness of pregnancy. We use our discomfort as kind of a channel for that real deeper hurt.

We say we have back pain, but really it's like back pain plus discontentment. and fear for the future, but we only treat the back pain. Or we exercise through the pregnancy. We say so we'll be able to have a healthy delivery when really we are just desperately hoping that we won't look pregnant from behind or look pregnant much past delivery, which leads us to the postpartum changes, lots of changes to your body postpartum. You believe you're not pretty anymore. Maybe you lost yourself a little bit in the chaotic constancy of motherhood.

So you immediately respond with the external solution. of changing your body, instead of paying attention to the lie that you're not pretty or valuable anymore or that you don't have an identity beyond being a mom, external solutions for internal problems, and they don't work. What about aging? That's a change we all go through over time. You could have the internal belief or challenge that your body is no longer valuable if you don't have people say that, you know, you look good for your age. or that you don't look your age at all. So you work hard to maintain that. But what happens when that very aging body does not respond the way it used to? You grasp control even more. You're trying to

change a body that is already changing, but you're trying to change it in a different way, while the real issue is your belief about the value of that body. Let's say your body is changing because of injury. Maybe you're a runner and you hurt your knee or your ankle or something and you haven't been able to run for weeks. And even when you're able to run again, you know it's going to be kind of a gradual process, right? Usually when we encounter some kind of external change, like not being able to run every day like you used to, our bodies are going to respond to that. So you could also be experiencing resentment about your injury, about not being able to do the thing you love, and also about the changes that that is causing your body that you didn't sign up for.

Your external solution will almost certainly be something that is about controlling your body. Controlling its changes through food, since you can't do that through running. Controlling is healing by being like so vigilant but also like moving a little too fast that you put yourself at risk because you're trying to get out of it. Controlling your relationships because you will not be helped in this because you're going to get back to the way things were. you're going to prove that you're strong enough to do that. You see what I mean with this? Every change your body goes through, whether it's temporary or long term, it brings with it some kind of internal messaging.

There is something in your brain or coming out in your emotions that is telling you something is wrong that you should resist this change. Now hear me. Taking steps to tend to your body externally and even trying to change its size or shape. that is not inherently bad, not at all. You get to decide what you do with your body. But what I'm offering today is that the way that you kindly navigate a changing body is that you pay attention to that internal challenge and that you don't automatically

throw an external solution at it. Work on the internal stuff first, or at least alongside. Fixing the body, whatever that means, will not fix. the belief ever. And then you'll just go through another change and you'll deal with it all over again. External solutions will not solve internal problems. But also, kind of on the flip side, internal growth will impact external perceptions. As you grow and you change inside yourself and you gradually see yourself in your body more kindly, whatever that looks like, however it functions, you will actually see your body's appearance and functionality and existence in the world differently.

What matters most, it's going to rise to the surface. You're going to feel confident in those priorities and how you live in your body will match it. It will. Maybe not at the same strength every day, but you will experience your body neutrally as part of who you are. So external solutions will not solve internal problems, but internal growth, it will impact external perceptions. Now, I know you want answers on like what to do with your clothes of different sizes and how to dress postpartum and all of those external solutions.

And I'm not going to give you those because I don't think that they're really going to solve what you want to solve. Not really. Now, yeah, it's figuring out how to dress postpartum. Like, that is an external challenge worthy of a solution. but please create that solution through the lens of honesty about your internal messaging. Then you can just simply apply the five lazy genius steps to your challenge. Prioritize, centralize, organize, personalized, and systemize.

Episode 259 is called the five steps to lazy genius anything. And it can be your guide through those steps if they're new to you. But you're trying to focus on like where to get the clothes to fit your body. but really you're just frustrated with your body. Clothes aren't going to fix that. Your body is good. Your body is part of you. It's not a detached thing to control.

Your body is not measured by size, shape, or even health. Your body is not the indicator of how valuable or desirable you are. Your desirability isn't a good measurement anyway. That's the patriarchy talking. And one final word in a way that you can kindly navigate a changing body is to treat other people the way you want to be treated. Don't comment on anyone else's body. Just don't do it.

Let it exist in the world without assessment. Examine what you mean when you say that something is flattering on a person. Don't apologize for taking up space. Don't tell a fat woman that she is brave. That is so insolven. insulting. You're always living in a changing body. So I want you to live in it kindly for yourself and for other people. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week, it is Sadie Stephens. Sadie has a really great lazy genius moment with her daughter getting dressed.

And here's what Sadie writes. Hello, I just wanted to share how I lazy genius my daughter, my daughter's morning routine. She loves to wear dresses every day, but she's four and can't reach the bar in her closet to get the dresses down by herself. So we always have to help her choose her dress in the morning. I thought about choosing the dress the night before and laying it out, but she likes to have all her options available to her in the morning. I researched closet bar extensions to drop the bar lower so she could reach, but that wouldn't work with other storage in her closet. I felt like I had no other options and would have to live with it until I realized then I never started by asking what matters most. What matters most is that she's able to get dressed by herself in the morning.

Not that her dresses are hanging in a closet according to conventional wisdom. She has drawer space she can reach, but it was currently housing a bunch of shirts that she never chose to wear. I switched up the system, hanging the shirts in the closet, and folding the dressers in the drawer. Now she can get dressed every morning without our help. A simple change, but a big impact to our morning routine. Sadie, this is so good. Y'all, this is like my favorite kind of lazy genius moment because of how well it demonstrates the power of naming what matters first. We can be very active in our problem solving, but not necessarily productive unless we name what matters. That's what we just talked about. We have to name what matters most to actually make an impact,

especially in those tiny daily things. We think the big problems are the ones to solve. But think about how much easier Sadie's morning is because of this small choice that will offer a long-term solution in the season that she's in. It's just so good. So thank you for sharing the Sadie and congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. Okay, don't forget about the latest lazy listens email. It goes out every other Friday and it has words from me that are not on the podcast, some extra resources, summarized episodes from the last two weeks, the messages of the lazy geniuses of the week, and a lot more. But also like not, like not a lot, actually. It's like a weirdly robust email without being long. It packs a punch and it's something that we've been really excited about making. So I hope

that you sign up and enjoy it. The link is in the show notes or you can go to the lazy genius collective.com slash listens. Okay, all that's it for today. Thank you so much for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. You ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that more dangerous than a B minus or? a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves.

Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.