The Lazy Genius Podcast - #306 - What We Need to Have More Fun

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

Being a person is tough. We all know this. Part of what I love about this job is offering encouragement and tools, not just to take the edge off, but to enjoy being a person and living your life in a way that’s meaningful and matters to you. So let’s talk about what we need to have more fun.   Helpful Companion Links The Power of Fun by Catherine Price  Joyful by Ingrid Fetell Lee The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker The Life Council by Laura Tremaine (out April 4) Episode 256 - How to Make Time for Fun Episode 196 - How to Lazy Genius Adult Screen Time Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! Download a transcript of this episode. This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Amazon presents Laura versus Fruitflies. Swarming your fruit and terrorizing your kitchen. These little freaks multiply at a rate that would make a rabbit say, yo. Chill. But Laura shopped on Amazon and saved on cleaning spray, countertop wipes, and fly traps. Hey, fruit flies, your baby boom ends here. Save the Everyday with Amazon. Hey there, you're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 306, what we need to have more fun. I almost called it what we've been getting wrong about fun, but that seemed too dire. So being a person is tough. We all know this. Part of what I love about this job is offering encouragement and tools on this podcast especially, not just to take the edge off, but to enjoy,

being a person and living your life in a way that's meaningful and matters to you. And we talk a lot about that kind of thing here. You know, time management, food management, rest management, relationship management. We have a lot of words around management, around living, around figuring it all out. But one of the things we don't talk about a ton is having fun. I mean, we have fun. I share books, which I think is fun. I share what's saving my life once a quarter, and I think that's fun too. I encourage us all to take time to feel like ourselves, whatever that looks like for each person. And that too is also fun. We've even had a handful of specific episodes on fun things, but I have some new understanding

about fun that I did not have before that I want to share with you. Now, in preparation for today's episode, which was actually supposed to be called How to Have Fun Every Day, I started reading this book called The Power of Fun by Catherine price. And it turns out that I have been getting fun wrong. My understanding of fun is incomplete at best. The things that I have often named as fun aren't actually fun. There are other things. They are pleasant or enjoyable or something else. But after reading this book and understanding what price calls true fun, I recognize that I don't have as much fun in my life as I thought. Something is missing. Now, this episode is not going to.

to be just like a summary of the book, The Power of Fun, even though it could be, because this book is super good. But I cannot talk to you about how to have fun every day if our understanding of fun is so wonky. And it is. I think we have a wonky understanding. And my eyes are now opened to an understanding that I'm like psyched to have and I want to share it with you. It was a mind-blowing book to read honestly. And I highly, highly recommend it. If you have read books like Joyful by Ingrid Fetell Lee or The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker. I also think this is how you're going to feel about the Life Council by Laura Tremaine when it releases on April 4th. You're going to find a similar energy with the power of fun. All four of those

books that I just mentioned, they take a large topic, fun, joy, gathering, and friendship. And the authors break those topics down in ways we haven't really seen before. In ways that make those huge topics come alive in ways that we needed, that we didn't know we needed, that we didn't know we're possible. The power of fun is a lot of well-organized research communicated in a very human engaging way. And it then has really concrete ways forward to develop and embrace something that really matters to you. Or at least I think should. I think we want to have fun, right? I think we want to have fun. The concepts from this book are very lazy genius in nature and I think it'll be a great foundation for us to have a conversation

about what fun really and truly is. Again, this episode is called what we need to have more fun. So I've always thought that I have a lot of fun. Like I'm generally a happy, contented person. I laugh a lot. I enjoy doing things with people. I like my life. I really do. But I have been operating with the assumption that because I'm happy, I must also be having fun. And I'm realizing that's bit incomplete. I did an episode a few months ago, Episode 256, How to Make Time for Fun. And it's a great episode. You should listen to it. I talk about our resistance to fun, our guilt over doing fun things, and also the nuance that exists in what is fun for each of us individually. I even talk about the nuance of what's fun, what's restful, what's peaceful, what's pleasant. In that very

episode, I named that all the things that I thought were fun were not exactly fun as I paid attention to those nuances. And based on what I've read from this book, The Power of Fun, the point is proven true. True Fun is something very specific, and I think it's something we're missing. So as we begin, I'm going to give you Price's thesis about fun, what her definition of true fun is, and a couple of the instructions she had in the book that have helped me name what fun is for me. Then we're going to apply everyone's favorite non-annoying lazy genius principle start small to this idea of fun and how we can experience it every day. All right. So Price, Catherine Price, the author, says that fun is the intersection of, listen up, play, connection, and flow. Play, connection, and flow. She describes play,

as something lighthearted and free, doing something more to just do it than super focused on the outcome. I think about putting on an actual play or performing in a concert or something. Now, the outcome exists. It does matter. But you're doing that thing for the process of it. You're playing and feeling free. You're acting. You're playing music. And the outcome is not really in charge of that, right? Now, when it starts to become in charge, that thing becomes way less fun. That's when you don't have joy in the art anymore, right? That's when you have like really sad documentaries about artists. So that's play. Now connection, connection is what we think. It's being connected to something else, whether it's another person, a community, a sense

of place, an animal, a spot in nature, God, ourselves. being connected to something is a huge part of fun when it's conflated, when it's together with play and flow. And then flow, flow is the one that I think we do the least, maybe. Flow is when we're so engrossed in something that we don't even notice the time is passing. It's an uninterrupted flow of energy and presence in whatever you're doing. Now, the reason we do this one the least is something Price talks about a ton in her book, and that is interruption and distraction. And where do both of those things typically come from?

Our phones. Now, her perspective on phones is a really good one. If you remember an episode I did a while back called How to Lazy Genius Adult Screen Time, you might remember being afraid. Like when you saw that title, you were afraid that I was going to judge you. And then you listened and you realized I very much was not judging you. Screens and phones are not bad. And Price talks about that in detail.

The distinction here is a phone's very natural presence as a disruptor and interrupter in our flow and therefore potentially in our fun. So true fun, according to Price, is when all three of those things play, connection, and flow exist at once. Now, you can have one or two exist at the same time and it just be so lovely. You know, flow and connection come together as a deep conversation with someone. Play and flow come together when you're practicing an instrument and you just lose track of time. Play and connection come together when you and your kid are playing I spy, but while you cook dinner, you know? All of those things are great. And maybe even they're like, you know, kind of fun. But when all three are together, that is true fun. That's where we sparkle.

And that is the thing that impacts us on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. We'll be right back. Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts.

I know I said I wouldn't like just summarize the book and I realize we're still talking about the book, but it's a really good book, but hang tight. Just a couple more points. Okay. So Price talks about what True Fun offers us. And these things are well researched. They are shown to be true for many, many people.

True Fun sparks genuine creativity. Not just during the fun, but like, after. It lowers our stress. It drops our chances of chronic illness because of that lowered stress and because of healthy releases of dopamine. It creates meaningful connections with others. And connection and community have been scientifically proven to be primary components of happiness and even physical longevity. Having fun is like a really big deal, y'all. But fun cannot exist with distraction, not true fun. If anything distracts you from being present, you're not actually having true fun. Your attention is divided and you're preventing the presence of flow. You're

restricting the connection because you're distracted from the person or place or whatever it is that you're interacting with. And the play is probably not as lighthearted because you're thinking about something else, right? That's distraction. Fun also cannot exist with judgment. If you are not free to have fun, to drop your self-consciousness, it's not really fun. And you know it. You know you're not going to really have fun. We've all experienced that, right? Also, if you are with a group of people and someone either refuses to be present and fully engage in what's going on, or they're making fun of you for being free in that play, in that fun. That person definitely won't have fun and likely neither will you because you feel judged.

So you can judge yourself and other people can judge you. In fact, Price says that activities, activities are not what help us have fun. Our attitudes do. How we move in spaces, how present we are, how quick to laugh we are, how quickly we release judgment and insecurity. You can have fun anywhere with that. This is a great quote. This is a great quote from the book. Simply put,

The pursuit of fun requires us to decide how we want to fill our days. It demands that we identify what makes us feel the most alive. If we don't know what true fun looks like or feels like and don't have a sense of which activities and contexts are the most likely to produce playfulness, connection, and flow, then we will be left with empty space. and no idea how we want to fill it. So this is all about intention, right? When we notice, when we pay attention to what is happening around us and in us,

we are better able to name what matters about those things. And now that I have personally started noticing what fun really is and how there's less of it in my life than I thought, I can name what matters to me about that fun. In fact, in the power of fun, Price walks you through all these steps. They're so good to help you figure out what true fun is for you. You do a fun audit where you figure out what is fun about your life and like what memories you have that were playful, connective, and flowing all at once.

She teaches you to identify your fun magnets so you'll know how to put yourself in the path of fun more often. There is a like really helpful acronym to help you remember to add fun. to your life. I love an acronym. There is also a distinction between what she calls peak fun, like those magical memories of vacations or experiences or events that were just all around amazing fun. And then also those little glimmers or flashes of fun that we experience, you know, hopefully fairly often that are just as valuable, but maybe a little harder to notice. We want to notice them. So we'll more easily recognize them.

and continue to seek out fun in our lives. I will wrap up the actual, the conversation around her book, you know. We'll talk about other things now, but I highly recommend it. After reading it, I feel excited. Like truly, I feel excited and inspired and empowered to pursue something in my own life that matters. And why? Because we don't have a lot of practice at this.

We don't have a lot of tools for us. this. There has not been like a ton of scientific research on the importance of fun. But now that it's here, it's really exciting. Okay, so let's talk a little bit about how we can start small with this. When I get excited about something, I can very easily go big. In fact, I really want to go big because I'm excited, right? It's something that matters. But even in cases of things we love too big, too fast, can still come back to bite us. And if I added, three more words, it would be a rhyme. I'm kind of sad it's not. We still want to start small, right? So let's talk about a couple ways we can do that with this idea of true fun. First,

I want you to think of something that you have done that was true fun. Just one thing that was full of play, connection and flow all at once. So the fun audit in the book is a fairly detailed process of this, but I want you to just name one thing right now that comes to mind. Now, when I was making my list in my longer process, you know, I spent a few minutes writing things down. But the first thing I wrote down immediately, the first thing that came to mind of like, what's really fun was throwing theme parties. I have so much fun when I throw a theme party. A holy moly. I used to do parties like this.

I mean, it felt like all the time. I had a Hunger Games party and a Wizard of Oz Halloween party and a carrot cake tasting party. It is the most fun for me. It's full of play, right? Because people are in costumes or they are just being delighted by the detail of pita chips spelled like pita, you know? Or just the absurdity that there are pita chips spelled like pita from my book. There is so much connection because people are, you know, they're saying hi to each other. and it's a comfortable, warm environment for conversation and catching up and comparing costumes,

again, if there are costumes. And there's such flow. Like, there's no phones, no distractions, no interruptions. When we're playing games, I am very bossy and I will keep you focused. The party, the party is the only thing that's happening. And time just flies. And I have not hosted one of those parties in years and years. I've been sitting here trying to remember when these parties happened and when the last one was

and my memory failed me. So I did when anyone with like a very old Gmail address would do and I did like a little email keyword search. So in early 2012, I hosted the Hunger Games games, a very competitive and exciting Hunger Games themed party. Later that same year, that same year in 2012. I hosted the carrot cake tasting party where I made something like, I think, I think it was nine different carrot cakes to compare all the recipes to find like the ultimate because I really love care cake. And like all my friends came and we did a tasting on all the cakes out of personality. And it was like a whole thing.

And then I hosted the Wizard of Oz costume party in 2014. And I'm pretty sure that was the last one. Maybe there's another one I can't remember. Emily P. Freeman would know because she's been all my parties. I mean, I've hosted like big gatherings, you know, like I think in, I think it was 2016. We hosted a house show around Christmas time where a couple of musicians came to play and, you know, we had food and stuff. It was lovely.

But it wasn't themed. It was not full of play. It was not true fun. It was not the same thing. So this thing, this idea of theme parties, it immediately came to my mind as something that is the most true fun for me, that feels like part of who I am even. It's something that people enjoy. I do.

You know, people like, we still talk about those parties. even though they were a decade ago? And I didn't even realize it. It felt like I threw parties all the time because I threw three in two years. But it's been almost 10. Now, to be fair, I had a baby in 2016. You know, I tried to grow this business

and that kid and the other two over the next few years. And then everyone's life stopped in 2020. But honestly, I'm kind of startled that I have not thrown a party in nine years. and that's just one of the things on my list of things that I remember that were really fun. And this is why I want you to try and think of just one, because then I want you to ask yourself, when was the last time you did that thing? It's not to make you feel bad that you haven't, or to dismiss that maybe your circumstances literally have not allowed such a thing. But it's good

to name what you find to be so deeply fun that it just comes straight to mind. And, and then notice how long it's been. That tells us something. I know one thing, I'm throwing a theme party in 2023. I don't know what it'll be, but it's happening because it is the most fun. And I want to pursue more fun things. So that's the first small thing. Just think about something that you know to be fun that you have done in the past.

It doesn't have to be big. In fact, a lot of those things that are on my list and that will be on yours, they're not. They're not big. They're very ordinary. and maybe even very short, but they can still be true fun. So as something comes to mind, you can pay attention to what you want to do with it. We'll be right back. Another small thing you can do to start thinking about more true fun in your life is to notice.

Notice. Price encourages people to keep a journal. I think she has a cute name for it. It's like fun book or something. I don't think that's what it is, but it's something cute. But the idea is to notice moments when you experience any of the three things, any of them, not necessarily at the same time, but any of them, play, connection, or flow. Or maybe it's a combination of two of them.

And she suggests writing those things down at the end of the day with the letters in front of a quick note of whatever the thing was. So like you write, like for example, last night I wrote down the letters CF for connection and flow. And then next to CF, I wrote the quick note, dinner with the family at Mythos. Everyone was content. The kids were affectionate. The food was good. And the conversation was really nice. Now, why is this important? Why is writing this down important? Several reasons. First, I'm marking moments. I don't have to do anything with it. I'm just noticing and being grateful that we had like a nice dinner as a family. Two, I can notice, just like Kaz and I did when we walked out of the restaurant.

like we weren't even out the door that this little Greek restaurant was actually a good spot for our family to eat out. Like we go there, but not on purpose. Because of the wide range of picky eating in our family, finding a restaurant that everybody likes is just a whole situation. And this one worked and it worked really well. Like I get lunch there all the time, like by myself. But we don't really go there as a family. Now, this leads me to number three. writing this down is not necessarily for replication.

Maybe the dinner had nothing to do with where we were. Just like Price says, activities are not necessarily the fun thing, but it's our interaction and our attitude and that environment that is. That's what's fun, right? And also there's something important about putting yourself in the path of things that could work well, right?

And we think that this restaurant, it could work well for us again. So the goal is not necessarily to replicate, but you can pay attention to an environment that might work out again. And then fourth, writing this down, it helps me notice what is true fun and what is something else. This dinner was something else. Our dinner last night, it wasn't fun. It was so pleasant.

It was so lovely. It made my heart slow down in the best way. I loved it. But it wasn't fun. We didn't walk out being like, that was so fun. We walked out being like, that was so great. Now maybe if we had been playing some kind of game while we were sitting there waiting for our food or something, it might have been true fun. But it wasn't and that's okay.

Like that's good in fact. Not everything has to be fun. What noticing does though is help me see what of those three things shows up least often in my life. Which leads me to the third small thing and that is to guess which one of these three things you experience. the least. I know for sure mine is play. Like for sure. Now, I experience play in language. I love to banter and joke with people. I was like my favorite. It was my favorite. But usually those interactions, they're limited. They're short. I mean, they can still be little sparks of fun, but they're mostly just sparks. But that's like the main way that I play is like a witty text,

you know? But real play, that's not something I do very much. I am super wired for productivity. it makes it very hard for me to do something just for fun. I mean, I do. I do have fun, but I have to think about it. I have to choose it. I'm not naturally a player. I'm also super competitive, which means games can get out of hand

because I have now made the stakes too high. People who have played games with me know this. Like when I was in my 20s, I was a church youth group volunteer and we did this weekend long, like road rules slash amazing race type thing. where teams of a couple of adults and a handful of high school kids would like get in a car. And we did this huge scavenger hunt across a whole weekend, across the state of North Carolina.

It was epic. And I got so into it that the youth pastor told me that the next year I would not be able to lead a team. I was just going to run a stop on the route. Like I got so riled up that I was removed from any future competitions. Like I can ruin play very fast. I'm also like a brittle lady with terrible cardiovascular strength and my knees are made of glass. So play in the athletic sense is really not my strong suit. But when I made my list, I will say, when I made my list, I wrote down that a recent memory of true fun was throwing the football to my boys.

What they do is they like to get on the trampling and then I throw the ball over the net, the trampoline net to them. And then they wrestle to catch it. Now it often ends in fights. But this particular time that I wrote about my little notebook, it did not have fighting. It really was true fun. We were playing. We were laughing. We were all connecting with each other. There were no interruptions or distractions, no desires to stop. We just kept going. It was so much fun. It was so much fun. So I do play, but I do not play like that enough. I don't have a lot of play in my life. Now connection and flow. good gravy. Those are like air and water for me. My days are full of connection and flow because of who I am as a person. Like I just, I'm all about both of those things so much. I think that's why I feel so content and happy with my life. It's not because I have certain things or like I don't have horrible situations happen to me. We live pretty, pretty averagely. We don't have an extravagant

life. And honestly, parts of my personal life are currently on fire. But I experience so much connection and flow in myself, in my relationships, in my work, in my spiritual life, and my family, that I feel really grounded and content most of the time. There is a richness to how I experience each day. And I think it's because of how rich my days are with connection and flow. But there is not a lot of play, which is why I'm very happy, but why I don't have a lot of fun. And knowing that is actually really helpful. Now, I'm not trying to force, play into my life, but it sure is a lovely thing to notice so that when an opportunity for play presents itself, I'm going to say yes. I will see a bigger value in that yes. So three small things.

Name one fun memory and pay attention to what you want to do after you name it. Number two, notice in the moment at the very least, and you can even write things down if you want. And then three, name which of the three components of true fun, play, connection, and flow, are not as present in your life usually. Really, these small steps, you're just gathering information and you're turning your awareness to something that probably matters to you. And then maybe you can go and get the power of fun if you're ready to dive in. And that is what we need to have more fun. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. And this is a fun one, which I love. This This week it is Emily Giot. That's not right. Sorry, Emily. Emily Morgan, Emily G. Morgan. Emily wrote me this.

Hi there. I wanted to share a fun tradition that you helped our family to start. A few years back, you did an episode about creating your own holiday in the February or March months because that time seems to drag on. So we will be celebrating our third annual movie March. Each of our family members gets a different weekend where they get to be in charge of picking a movie and dinner for us to enjoy. We even buy fun paper plates that each person chooses for their weekend to make it festive. The benefit is that I don't have to plan meals or worry about cleanup, but because it is themed and festive, everyone is on board. There's no fighting over movie or food choices because each person knows they will get their own turn that month. Thank you for helping us create fun memories in a truly lazy, genius way. You guys, are you breathing?

How precious is this? I can't. Now, I know some of you are really sad that you're hearing about this in the middle to end of March. I don't remember exactly the date that this episode is going to drop. but it's like, it's not early March, pals. But listen, you can still start small with this. You can do it like once or do a couple movies over one weekend or something. But you can also go ahead and put a note on your calendar for February 2024 to set up the movie march.

Which honestly, Emily, I'm going to use a double meaning here. I'm going to name it not third annual movie march. I'm going to name it the movie March because it is movie March as in movies during March. but it's also a March through the month of March with movies. The movie March! I love it. So I am putting it in my own calendar for next year. Even though my kids don't really like movies, we will prevail.

It'll be fine. Thank you for writing in, Emily, and congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. Okay, y'all, that is it for today. Thank you so much for listening. Don't forget to sign up for the latest Lazy Listens email that goes out every other Friday. It is a robust summary of the most recent podcast episodes, as well as some extra resources. if you want to dig deeper into whatever topic we're on. There is a link to sign up for that in the show notes,

or you can also just sign up at the lazy genius collective.com slash listens. And speaking of listening, how's that for a segue? Thank you for doing that. Thank you for listening to the show every single week. It just means the world. And if you enjoyed this episode or any recent episodes you've heard, be sure to share it with someone else who you think would love it.

The show has grown because of person-to-person shares like that. So thank you for continuing to tell your friends and family about the lazy genius podcast. All right, y'all, until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week.

Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it?

I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available. to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to becoming you wherever you get your podcasts.