The Lazy Genius Podcast - #310 - How to Pivot Around Any Obstacle

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

One of the most beautiful things about being a Lazy Genius is that you can Lazy Genius literally anything. Some of those solutions are linear, but frustratingly, a lot of them are not. There isn’t always a straight line from a problem to a solution. Or is there? Today’s episode is as close as we’re going to get, and we’re going to get really really close.   Helpful Companion Links The Instagram video of pivoting from my car Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! Download a transcript of this episode.   This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi there, you are listening to the Lazy Genius Podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 310, How to Pivot Around Any Obstacle. One of the most beautiful things about being a lazy genius is that you can lazy genius literally anything. It's so rad. That's what this podcast is, a collection of over 300 episodes so far of how to lazy genius so many different kinds of things. Some of those solutions are, linear, but frustratingly, a lot of them are not. There is not always a straight line from a problem to a solution. Or is there? Today's episode is as close as we're going to get. And we're going to get really, really close. We're going to walk through the process of how to pivot around any obstacle. And this is actually a new process, y'all. Even if you're an OG, LG, this order and pathway will be new to you. And I'm so excited. Also excited is my neighbor's new dog. that has a really aggressive bark. So my apologies, or you're welcome, if you love dogs. Okay, two important clarifications before we begin. First, we have to lay the groundwork for anyone who is

new very briefly. So if you are new, hello, and you need to know what a lazy genius is. It is someone who is a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. And you get to decide what matters. It's your choice. Now, depending on, the situation or the area of life, do you also have to consider what matters to other people? If you have ever taken a family vacation, you know the answer is yes. But ultimately, that is our paradigm. Be a genius about the things that matter. Be lazy about the things that don't. And you get to decide what that is. Score. Now, the second clarification, when I say how to pivot around any obstacle, It is vital to distinguish here between an obstacle and trauma.

If you are experiencing something traumatic, whether it's a new trauma or an old one that has been triggered, your process is different. There might be some elements that are similar, but dealing with trauma is not linear, nor would I ever try and reduce it to the same kind of problem-solving process as figuring out what's for dinner. So just know that going in. We are talking about obstacles, not trauma. Okay, now let's get linear. I don't get to say that too often around here, so that's really fun.

How to pivot around any obstacle begins with an obstacle, right? That is our starting block on this linear path. What is your obstacle? It could be a forgotten appointment, a missed deadline, a kid who's late coming home from practice, chicken that isn't thawed, or you like literally hit a physical obstacle, like say your foot on a rogue Lego. There are a million answers, but essentially this obstacle, it throws you off your game. Or if you were already out of the game, it's the obstacle that kind of breaks you as a person. Like if you step on a Lego after you've already had a really bad day, that inward collapse is something, right? So our process begins because an obstacle has presented itself. This happens every day, sometimes all day. A kid has to poop when you're

about to walk off the door. You can't find your insurance card and you're already late for your doctor's appointment. The outfit that you carefully selected in your head for your big interview, it looks ridiculous now to you and now you don't have anything to wear. You get a phone call that sidetracks your project. You have a headache. You discover your toddler sitting in a pile of cereal next to the empty cereal box. You find ants in the pantry. Your drive-through order is wrong and you don't discover that until you're already home. I could go on and on and on and so could you. These are the kinds of obstacles that we deal with every day and the kind that I'm referring to here in this episode. Okay? So when you're hit with this kind of obstacle, what do you do? We have steps in order,

you guys. You ready? Step one. Breathe. Literally breathe. My kids hate it when I ask them to do this. And I get it. It's small and annoying. And I have some kind of nerve asking a person who's like trying to get past an obstacle to breathe, but still, breathe. When we face an obstacle of any size, our body's general response is survival. We become deeply self-preservational. And usually that is not a great vibe for very long. Obstacles are also unmet expectations on full display, right? We did not expect the kid to poop right now.

We expected the insurance card to be in our wallet. we expect a lot of things to happen according to our plans, even the unnamed expectations. Have you ever heard me or anyone else say that? That sometimes you don't know you had an expectation until it is unmet. So yep, that is this. Okay. So when we encounter an obstacle, we are trying to preserve ourselves and our expectations. And guess how that comes out? it comes out sideways sometimes with anger or shallow breathing we feel ourselves crumble on the inside we are sometimes literally in pain like in physical pain we lash out to cast blame on something obstacles can create responses in us that make it very hard to rationally get through the obstacle

and that's why our first step is to breathe slow deep breathing tells your body that you are okay. You're literally communicating with the parts of your brain that are panicking and you are telling yourself that everything is okay. Survival is not necessary here, right? So we need to pull out of self-preservation mode a little so we can see what's going on for real. So breathe. Step two. Actively seek softness. actively seek softness. Your breathing will begin to calm your body and allow you to access more parts of your brain because remember some of your brain it goes offline when you're panicked in the face of an obstacle. Not great. So as you breathe, your body and brain are calming. And then I want you to

actively seek softness. Invite things like compassion, kindness, empathy, and connection into your breathing and eventually into your thinking. That softness, it might be connected to the kid who left the Legos out or toward yourself for not knowing where your keys are or toward the person who gave you the wrong order at the restaurant. Actively seek softness. Now, I know some of you don't like that because you feel like softness means you don't get justice. If you're soft towards the Lego kid, they're never going to learn, right? Or if you don't angrily call the restaurant and tell them that your order was wrong, they're never going to learn that either. I get it. Justice is a big drive. That people who live with a tight grip on making sure that anyone who screws up at your expense

knows it, that is my default person. That's the person I have kindly and slowly moved away from for over a decade of therapy, and I can tell you that actively seeking softness is way better than the girl at the drive-thru knowing she made my sandwich wrong. Now, does that mean that you never get justice? Not necessarily. And I'm not saying that you cannot follow through on certain obstacles that involve other people, you know, that you can name and speak to the things that were done at your expense. But the point here is to actively seek.

softness. It doesn't take away the obstacle, but it helps you connect with the humanity of the situation. And that is never, ever a waste. We'll be right back. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of awe, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Step three, name what matters. Now we're here. Now we're at what matters. I know I say that naming what matters is where we always begin. And in a podcast episode, when we're talking about a specific topic, that's usually right.

but when you're listening, you're not actively upset or in the middle of that obstacle. We can start with what matters most of the time because steps one and two, they are not necessary right then. But when you're in the obstacle, first breathe, then actively seek softness. And then it's time to name what matters. You can't ask yourself what matters right in the beginning before you breathe because you're not going to have an answer yet. Now, the good thing about being smack dab in the middle of an obstacle is that when you are breathing

and you are accessing kindness at the same time that you are directly impacted by this obstacle, the combination of those things, the alchemy there, it creates this laser beam on what matters. There's a spotlight on it, right? Okay, if you're standing in your kitchen, your foot held in the air, lightly throbbing after stepping on the Lego. but you are also breathing and you are accessing softness. When you ask yourself in that moment, what matters right now? Your answer is probably going to come really fast.

And my guess is it's something like what matters, like if this were me, what matters is that Annie doesn't feel shame for leaving a Lego on the floor and that she knows that we're still connected and we're okay. Even though I asked her to put those Legos away, I'm not going to blame her for my foot hurting. That is not what matters most right now. So the intersection of your obstacle or your pain point, sometimes literally, and that calm kindness is something truly, truly special. So step one, breathe. Step two, actively seek softness. Step three, name what matters. And step four, make the problem smaller. I was about to choose a different example than the

Lego for this step because the problem doesn't need to be made smaller here, right? But then I realized, like, oh no, very wrong. If you are standing there, your foot isn't really the problem. Like, your foot's fine. But you might feel like the problem to solve is figuring out how to get your kid to recognize the need for responsibility and how when they leave stuff on the floor, there are consequences for them and other people. Now, I am no Dr. Becky. But I think that problem is too big to solve. you need to make that problem smaller because if we try and solve a big problem like responsibility we get a big solution and we know how well those work they don't if i were to go to annie and give her a lecture even a super kind one about the importance of responsibility and make this problem big

likely especially even big in her little mind that will weigh her down just like our big problems and their big solutions weigh us down. We feel guilty when we fail. We feel shame that we can't get it together. We feel overwhelmed by the expectation of responsibility. Imagine how that sits in a little six, seven year old brain. So this Lego thing is actually a really good example. So let's walk it through from the start. I step on a Lego. It is not pleasant. But I breathe and then I actively seek softness. Cool. Doing that shows me that the obstacle is not the Lego on the floor or the pain in my foot, but Annie's sweet little heart feeling bad for hurting her mom and worried she's going to get in trouble and then also not knowing how to regulate all those feelings inside herself at once.

So instead of my stepping on a Lego and immediately jumping to, no one ever picks up anything in his health. I breathe. I access softness. I need. I need. name what matters, which is connection with my kid, and then I make that problem so small. It is not about childhood responsibility. For right then, it is about restoration with Annie. In that moment, the problem to solve is her little heart. I will go to her and hug her and tell her that I'm okay. I just stepped on a Lego that sometimes when our bodies get hurt, our feelings do too,

but that we're okay. For me, that is not the time to solve the problem of response. That can come another time. Responsibility is too big. So ultimately make the problem smaller and maybe even see if the problem or the obstacle could use a little tweak in its accuracy anyway. Breathing and softness will help you do that. All right, step five. Step five is to put what you need in its place. For the Lego example, it's a hug for Annie. It is addressing the Lego. that's on the floor, but continuing to access that softness and say with a smile, like, you know, shall we pick up the rest of these Legos so everybody's feet stay feeling good? And because things like this have happened with my kids, I can tell you that when I move through this kind of obstacle this way, they actually do internalize the idea of responsibility for real, not from a place of shame, but from a place of love.

They don't want anyone to get hurt or themselves to get hurt. So they're still learning the thing we want them to, but we're going in a different order with a different posture. Putting what you need in place, it can come in so many forms, obviously, depending on the obstacle, but we can more easily put something we need in place when we're calm, when we're accessing compassion and kindness towards ourselves and others, when we know what matters and when our problem is smaller. we can actually solve it pretty well and put what we need in its place.

Okay, so that's step five. Step six is to stay connected to yourself. Stay connected to your breathing, to that compassion, and also to how you're processing the obstacle. Sometimes we can spin out like a few minutes later, even though we have breathed because we're starting to connect to the rightness and justice of the situation. our thoughts kind of spiral out and then we lose the thread. We disconnect from what really matters and from that softness in ourselves.

And then we're back where we started. So stay connected to yourself. Pay attention to what you're thinking. If you're perseverating or resenting, even in a tiny way, stay connected to yourself. So you can stay connected to the movement that you've already done. And then finally, step seven is to ask the magic question. The magic question is one of the 13 lazy genius principles from my book, The Lazy Genius Way. And the broad version of the question is, what can I do now to make something easier later?

The something can be anything. You can make that question anything you need to be. So in this case, what can I do now to make this particular obstacle easier later? I love ending with this question because the answer is anything you need it to be. And it's positive, but it's also really small. So for the Lego example, something I can do now to make this particular obstacle easier later is to make sure that Annie can get to the basket that holds the Lego bricks. Maybe as we clean up together, I see it's like a little tricky for her to get to it.

Like she's three feet tall, you know? So I can magic question this by putting the basket in a different place, in a better place. Or I could do something, I could implement something called Lego Check, where I like literally playfully shout, Lego Check. And the kids scan the floor to make sure that there are no rogue pieces waiting to ruin everything. Ask the magic question. What can I do now to make this easier later? Your answer could be anything.

It could be connected to any of the previous six steps. Like it might be an answer about breathing because you're realizing like, holy moly, I don't know how to breathe very well. Like you have a hard time, deep breathing. And so that's something that you can do now to make an obstacle easier later. is to practice breathing, right? Your answer could be for the immediate future or something that's like a little longer lasting. There's just no right or wrong or even something that is comprehensively perfect here. Just answer the question simply and with the first thing that comes to mind and then try it.

If it doesn't work, then try something else. We'll be right back. So a couple of weeks ago, I shared a video on Instagram that I recorded in my car in real. time after navigating an obstacle. So let's walk through that situation and see how these seven steps worked. Okay. So here was the situation. I had groceries delivered because I'm a grocery delivery person now and my order was incomplete. There were seven items missing, three of which I needed for that night's dinner. Not ideal. But on top of that, I scheduled the grocery delivery to happen right before lunch so that I could make dinner early while I came in the house for my own lunch so that dinner would be ready when I got off work on a day that I work later.

Because this happened on my long work day where I work until like just before dinner. So not only did I not have the ingredients that I needed, I was losing the time I had planned to cook. Okay. Now when that happened, when I opened those bags and saw that my beans were missing, everything in my body just went whoosh like everything felt big and too much to handle not to mention this happened the day after the school shooting in Nashville and I was already on edge so even though not having my cans of beans for dinner it was not the worst thing that could have happened it felt

bigger than it was because of all that was already happening in my body plus we just do that. We automatically go into survival mode, which is not a rational brain space. We cannot break things down or problem solve in a rational way when our bodies are reacting to an obstacle that feels enormous. So that was my obstacle, an incomplete grocery order when I was planning to cook dinner. Okay, let's walk through the steps. First, breathe. I did that. I stood in my kitchen in front of the delivery and I breathed. it always helps. Then I actively sought after softness. I wanted to be mad at the person who did this.

I was already mad it happened and that anger needed to hit something. It needed to land somewhere. The natural place in that situation would be for it to land on the person who delivered the groceries. But by actively accessing softness, I grabbed what Dr. Becky, second mention here, calls the MGI or the most generous interpretation of a situation. And I realized very quickly that people make mistakes. That my order could have been next to someone else's in the car

and that the driver could also have been a mother and was just as off and distracted and scared as I was for my own kids at school that day. And even if I was wrong, even if that grocery store employee was like just being super lazy and didn't care or did it on purpose because she just could, which is kind of insane to think about and highly, highly unlikely, I would still rather believe the best and live in that softness than assume the worst and just stay mad. Now remember, we're talking obstacles, not trauma, okay?

And I would rather be soft toward the obstacle. Trauma feels a little different. So just that's a reminder there. Okay, so then I named what mattered. Now, frankly, in that situation, it was that I got my missing. groceries as soon as possible. My mom was coming for dinner that night and my mom is gluten free. I don't know if you have noticed the types of meals that we tend to cook in the Adachi house, but there is much gluten very often. I did not have ingredients for like a fallback meal that my mom could

eat. So what mattered was that I got those groceries as quickly as I could. So I made the problem smaller. Step four. Rather than try and get the right people on the phone to see if the groceries were still in the car and waiting and all that. I just got in the car to drive to the store myself. Now, did I call the store on my way? I did. Because maybe they would have a quick solution. But I didn't want to wait for it.

I didn't want to wait for the possibility of quick solution because it might not be quick if had to be on the phone a long time. I was already checking out with my groceries at the store before the woman on the phone in the very store I was in said that she was sorry but there was nothing that she could do outside of like a refund for the missing items. So I solved my smallest problem, which was to get the missing beans that I needed for dinner.

Next is put everything in its place. I made the chili during my lunch break. Was that break shorter? It was. But I had a little time to make things happen. So I took that time. I didn't crumble or stay mad or let my emotions stew and impact how I spent my time. I just put on a podcast and I made the chili.

which leads me to step six stay connected to yourself i kept breathing if i recall i had to remember what mattered i had to let go of the person getting the order wrong like i would notice when my thoughts would start to spiral and i would respond with more breathing and more softness so that would not impact me and become an obstacle a second time and then finally step seven asked the magic question for this my answer and this is in the Instagram video my answer was to notice how long it took me to solve the problem and get the groceries and in that post I'm pretty sure from the point I don't remember the exact number but from the point of grocery delivery to then pulling into the driveway with the missing items it was something like 23 minutes 28 minutes something like that it was not long is the point so I can see that a way to make that kind of situation easier later is to remember that things take less time than we think they will. I can solve problems quickly without something like that ruining the entire day, which is frankly what I was expecting when the delivery

happened is that the whole day would be ruined. So after you hit an obstacle, here is your process. Breathe. Actively seek softness. Name what matters. Make the problem smaller. put everything in its place, stay connected to yourself, and ask the magic question. And that's how to pivot around any obstacle. All right, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week it is S.K. Griffin, who sent me a message specifically about using both put everything in its place and ask the magic question. Two of the principles that we talked about today. Very appropriate. S.K. says, when I open a text that I need to remember to come back to,

I pin it at the top of my messages. That way I don't have to remember what to remember. I check my pinned messages at noon and after work to keep them in the right lane. This is such a great, simple approach to staying on top of what matters. Such a simple idea, but really versatile in lots of areas, I think. It's just a great example of using both put everything in its place and ask the magic question, which again are two of 13 lazy genius principles in my book The Lazy Genius Way. if you're new around here and would like a foundation for everything that we talk about. It is a book that will, yeah, lay that foundation for you. So thank you for writing in SK and congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week.

All right, y'all, that's it for today. Thank you so much for listening. Two quick reminders. One, if you would like a robust podcast summary every other week where we basically take notes for you so you don't have to, I highly encourage you sign up to receive the latest lazy listen email. That goes out every other Friday. You can sign up at the lazy genius collective.com slash listens. And the next latest lazy letter, my monthly newsletter, it goes out in a couple of weeks, and I will be sharing details from my recent trip to Europe. Cause and I took a cruise

to celebrate our 20 year anniversary, their wedding anniversary, and I have words about packing, taking a cruise, things we enjoyed in the different cities we visited, and lots more. Plus, all the book reviews from the month, which are a lot. So if that sounds interesting, and you are not already on the list, you can sign up at the lazy genius collective.com slash join. All right, y'all, thank you for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that, more dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life, because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch.

I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.