The Lazy Genius Podcast - #317 - 5 Steps to a Routine That Actually Works

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

You might be itching to get into your carefully planned summer routines, or maybe you know you want some but haven’t thought about what they are yet. Regardless of where you are, you want your routines to work! You want them to stick and do what they’re supposed to do! Today, I want to share with you the 5 steps to get to a routine that actually works.   Helpful Companion Links Here’s a Routines & On-Ramps podcast playlist on Spotify Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode.   This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Amazon presents, Laura versus Fruitflies. Swarming your fruit and terrorizing your kitchen, these little freaks multiply at a rate that would make a rabbit say, yo. Chill. But Laura shopped on Amazon and saved on cleaning spray, countertop wipes, and fly traps. Hey, fruit flies, your baby boom ends here. Save the Everyday with Amazon. Hey there, you are listening to the lazy genius podcast. I am Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 317, five steps to a routine that actually works. You might be itching to get into your carefully planned summer routines, or maybe you know you want some, but you haven't thought about what they are yet. Regardless of where you are, you want your routines to work, right? You want them to stick and do what they're supposed to do. So today,

I want to share with you the five steps to get to a routine that actually works. We're hanging out with a handful of the 13 lazy genius principles today. But what I want to highlight at the top is principle number 11. Go in the right order. So often, you have the right ingredients for a situation. You're not missing anything. You're just doing them in the wrong order. And I think routines are a prime category of that.

And if you go out of order in your routine, it for sure won't stick. and I'm not talking about like the pieces and parts of the routine if you do this thing before that thing. I mean the actual creation of the routine, the thought process behind making one. You need to go in the right order and figuring out your routine so that you create something that actually works the way a routine is supposed to based on what matters to you. So let's jump in to the five steps. Well, actually before we do that, we need to define what a routine is. most of us think that routines are a series of things done in the same order at the same time a day. And while that is kind of true, it's only partially true. I have a whole chapter in my

first book, The Lacey Genius Way, about building the right routines. And the purpose of them is a little different than just the same things in the same order at the same time. The purpose of a lazy genius routine is to get you somewhere. A routine is an on-ramp to some kind of destination. Now, that destination can be a few different things. It can be tangible, like an actual physical objective, like getting out the door. You have a routine for getting out the door. But your objective also might be emotional or about your energy. A routine that gets you out the door, but you're mad or frazzled or frustrated when you do it is probably not a routine that you want to keep around. I think the point of a routine is often way more emotional than we give it credit for. You are moving in the direction

of what feeling, what experience, what energy. That feels very different than a routine to start work or get out of the door or go to bed. Like how do you want to start work or get out the door or go to bed? How do you want to feel during that process and at the end of the process? Your routine, when thought through in the right order, it can help create. that feeling. So a lazy genius routine is an on-ramp to something else. The routine is not the actual destination. And that is a very important distinction. Why? Because if you make the success of the routine about its completion, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. If you have a routine of four things and you only do two or even zero, then you're going to say the routine failed or like more

accurately based on how a lot of y'all think you failed. But if instead you see the routine as an on ramp to a certain feeling or energy, you can actually feel that feeling or energy without the entire thing happening, maybe even without the routine at all. When you go through these five steps I'm about to share, you'll find that you can get to where the routine is supposed to take you without even the existence of the routine always. Now, sure, the routine itself is a delight and you'll love having it every day, but having it every day isn't the point. Naming and prioritize where you're going is much more helpful in the long run

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can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcast. casts. So all five of these steps start with the letter P, which I did not know what happened, but I'm here for it. The five steps to a routine that actually works are placement, purpose, person, parts, and pivot. Placement purpose, person, parts, and pivot. What a weird tongue twister. Okay. You don't have to remember those right now. It's fine. Let's just get into it. Okay. We're going to start with placement. Placement. That is our first step. Where in your day, do you feel like you need a consistent emotion, energy, or met objective?

Where in your day, day in and day out, do you see the value for a consistent attitude, a consistent energy, or a consistent result of some kind? It can be a certain time a day, you know, like actually attached to the clock, or it could be a relative time, like a routine for leaving the house or coming home from the pool or going to bed. the time on the clock is less important, but it's still something that happens. It's related to when something is happening, but not the actual clock, right? Now, there are probably lots of options for where you could put a routine, tons, and you're likely listing out a dozen right now. But instead,

just pick the one that feels the most valuable to you in this season. Okay? Just pick one, one, start small, start small. By the way, once we walk through all five of these steps, I'm going to choose a routine that I need in my life and apply the steps in order in real time. So hang tight for some like specific application to help you think yours through. Okay. So placement is first. Where do you need a routine? Step two. What is the purpose of that routine? You have the placement and now you need the purpose. Why is it there? Is there a feeling or energy or objective that you want to experience pretty much every day in the particular part of the day that you chose? And I think the simpler your answer, better. But prioritize thinking about your energy and your emotions or your attitude or someone else's

maybe instead of just the action. So if you want a routine for getting out the door, maybe it's more specifically getting out the door without yelling at each other. Those are two very different objectives, honestly. I can get us out the door with plenty of yelling, even without a routine. I can knock that out of the park. So really the emotional piece is pretty key here. What are you wanting to feel to experience, to notice in your body as you do this thing? Like, what's the purpose? Okay, step three is the person. Who is this routine for?

Now, you might think that getting out the doors for your whole family, if you have little kids underfoot, that may be what you really need is a routine for you to help your own attitude as you navigate whatever shenanigans the kids do. Now, I'm not saying that the get out of the door routine can't be for your kids if you have them, but it doesn't have to. It doesn't have to be for them. Be specific about who your routine is for. For our family in the morning, there is one particular kid, I will not name who, who if they have a bad morning, everybody else does. Everyone else is pretty okay with their attitude and getting out the door in the morning, but this one kid has a lot of variables that could

go haywire causing a, you know, a blip in the matrix or whatever. So I have a particular purpose for a morning routine that relates specifically to this kid. It might look like it's for the whole family, but it's really for this one person. Does that make sense? So I share that to remind you that like, don't say the obvious answer of who it's for and move on. The person this routine is for might be a little more nuanced than you originally thought. And it might even be why a routine that you do have isn't working as well. Maybe, maybe. Okay. So first placement, where do you need a routine? Second purpose. What's the point? of the routine. Third person. Who's it for? Now to step four, parts. What are the parts of this routine?

Or more specifically, what could be the parts of this routine? That is like a more accurate question, actually. Now, I personally think it's really important to name parts that are not directly tied to each other. Like if the second part of your routine can only happen if the first part happens, my personal experience says that is a recipe for disaster. It's less about this than this than this and more about choosing and doing things that support your primary purpose. Now, is there a right order for stuff in your routine? Clearly, yes.

Like, I love the right order so much. But the purpose of your routine is not to execute your routine in a right order. like we're creating a routine in the right order now but when it's time to actually do your routine there might not be a right order and if there is notice if the right order is in conflict with the purpose let me explain what i mean like for example when our family comes home from the pool my purpose so that's the placement right when we come home from the pool my purpose is for everyone to get clean and then get alone, usually doing some kind of screen time. And I want these things to happen without a lot of help from me. Okay. Now, I also want to get clean and get alone.

And there are lots of pieces and parts to coming home from the pool, right? There's hanging up the towels and the wet swimsuits. There's putting away the pool bag. There is tidying the flip-flops that were just like chucked everywhere. There's washing hands, showering, getting a snack, eventually being clean and alone. Now, in my mind, there is a right order for all those pieces and parts. And if I was alone coming home from the pool, I would go in the right order, but I'm not alone. It's me and three very different kids. And did you catch one of the phrases from my purpose? I want them to get clean and then get alone. The reason that I want them to get alone is because they just have a lot of stimulation and they need a break, right? So I want them to get clean and get alone,

but without a lot of help from me. That means I need to prioritize that above the right order. I need to prioritize their independence in executing, getting clean and alone, more than in doing it the way that I think they should do it. If my kids leave their wet stuff in a pile on the floor, but they leave it while they go shower on their own without my asking, and then they come back and they pick up their wet clothes after,

I would rather that happen than use my sun-drenched limited energy to force an order that doesn't really matter. Does that make sense? Now, like, I would hang up my clothes first. I would hang up my wet clothes first. I wouldn't leave them on a palm floor before I got in the shower. But ultimately it doesn't matter. They can do it in a different order because then I'm not involved.

So the pieces and the parts, they do matter. and you want to think them through, but see if you can disconnect them from each other just a bit, especially if you have other people involved in the routine. Other people don't always appreciate your order. And you want the routine to actually work, right? So be loose with the order and instead focus on the parts just happening, however they happen. And like always, always lead with the purpose, right? You can depend on the parts being the supporting role. The parts are the supporting role here. Okay. Usually we make them the star. They're not the star. In a lazy genius routine, the parts are just not the star. Okay. So that's placement, purpose, person, parts. And finally, step five is the pivot.

Pivot. Okay. There are so many things that can get in the way of your step by step. routine hitting all of its steps. So many. If you wrote down all the barriers to getting out the door with tiny kids, you would run out of paper. And because there are so many barriers to the execution of the parts of our routines, you cannot possibly troubleshoot all of them. There are likely too many secondary systems to the first one you already made to like create all these plan Bs. So instead of making a bunch of plan Bs for all your scenarios, I want you to learn to pivot. Learn to hit a barrier and not let it knock you down or stop you from moving forward. I've mentioned this episode a couple of times recently, but episode 310 is called How to Pivot

Around Any Obsticle. A missed routine is a great example of a daily obstacle you'll need to pivot around. Now, there are clear steps to pivoting. And if you don't remember them, you can go listen to that episode again. It's one of my favorites because of how helpful and necessary it is, like every day. But in that process of pivoting around an obstacle, you breathe, you access softness in yourself, you remember what matters. That practice of kindly remembering what matters when something in your routine does not go according to plan, it will actually make your routine stick around. We drop things like routines because they don't work. But really, we give up because we can't execute them perfectly day after day. I think it's better to have a routine,

go through this process of naming why you're doing it, how you want to feel, how you want to support a good energy for a certain time of day. You go through that process, but you're not doing it to execute any of the parts. I think it's almost more valuable to like kindly pivot around what's not working than to execute your routine over and over again. Like going through steps, it does not make you human. It makes you a robot. But being able to live in and around and underneath those steps of a routine, no matter if you hit them or not. Like, I think being able to live with that is a great goal to have. Like, you're trying to be a person. Not someone who can press a button on a day and execute it to a 98% success rate.

This is why we don't start with steps. They're not the important thing. Actually, maybe of the five of these things, they're the least important thing. If you start with the parts of the routine, you're missing everything else that matters. We'll be right back. Okay, let's put these steps into practice. Step one is placement. Where do I need a routine? We're going to do this like for myself, okay, in real time.

One time of day that I struggle with is going from work to being a mom. And I'm not sure what that will look like during the summer. I have like an easier go of it when the kids are in school because when I go into my house, I can be alone in my house because they're not home yet. In the summer, that's not the case. Okay, so what usually happens is I go to my office, which is in our like detached garage and I work. The kids, they're actually really good about giving me space. They ask their dad or grandma or babysitter questions. They don't really bother me. They're actually really good about letting me work. Now, that was not always the case. So for those of you who work from home, your parents and you work

from home, like take heart. They will catch on. They will, I promise. but when I stop working and I go into the house, it can sometimes feel a little stressful to me. I don't know what the kids are doing. I don't know if there are plans to do something else that will involve me. You know, like I walk in and they're like, we're going to the park and I didn't know. I don't know if they finished all the strawberries

and no one wrote it down on the grocery list. I don't know the state of the house. I don't know what the kids' attitudes are or if they're fighting with each other or if they're all introverting or whatever. as I'm listing things like right now in real time. The thing that's stressful is that I don't know anything. That's the commonality of all of this.

I've been out of the house for three to six hours and I don't know anything. And for those of you who have kids or hang out with kids, a lot can happen in three hours. A lot can happen in 30 minutes. So that is the placement of the routine going from my office to the house. Okay? So next is the purpose. Okay. That's where we know where it goes. We know where the routine goes. What's the purpose of this? Like what am I really trying to accomplish here? I would like to not feel stressed when I walk into the house. I would like to feel grounded and present and not worried about what I might find or what is sprung on me or how loud everyone is. I'd like to feel centered as much as possible going into the house. cool that's the purpose next is the person who is this for me it is clearly for me um which means

i'm not going to make my kids do something different to accommodate me this routine is for me i can figure out a way to exist well around however they are existing at the time and even that awareness is important they don't need to bend to me they don't need to clean up beforehand or be quiet or not ask me questions for 10 minutes i mean all of those things could be fine but they're not what I'm choosing here. They're not the purpose. I want to bring my best self into the house and I, or at least a present self, and I think a present self in any state is a really good version of yourself. But I personally struggled doing that when I don't know what I'm walking into. That has always been hard for me in a lot of contexts. And I'm not going to force myself to be different.

I'm going to honor that. I'm going to honor that part of me, but I'm going to prepare kindly for it. Okay? Okay, so that's the person. It's me. Our fourth step is the parts. What kinds of things could I do to create that sense of groundedness and preparedness and presence when I go in the house? One thing that came to mind when I was like thinking of all the things I could walk into is just asking the adult that is with the kids to text me like a quick status report of everybody. Now, that might seem extreme or like it's a lot to ask of a person maybe, but I know that all three adults who are typically with my kids, it's either their dad, my mom, and our delightful babysitter. And I know that all of them would understand and honor that need in me. And obviously I would let them know ahead

of time like, hey, this is something that would be helpful. Is this something that you're comfortable doing? You know? So maybe the routine is centered around a status report. Like that's the main, part. So let's say that 15 minutes before I'm heading inside, I text the person who's with them and ask like, what's going on? Like what might be good for me to know? Is there anything happening once I get inside? Then I can prepare mentally for those things. That alone is kind of a relief to think about. And that's how you know that you have found your central part. Like relief, excitement, but really relief is so key. Now, like so many of the parts are going to be less relevant, like I've already said,

you know, the parts are secondary. But if there is one singular part that makes a really huge difference here in supporting the purpose of my routine, for me, it's the status report. For you, whatever the singular thing is, you can know where to focus your limited routine energy if it's limited. just do that one thing that's like, oh, that's the core. If I just do that one thing, we're good. Now, what are some other parts, though, that I could consider for my routine outside

at that status report? If my purpose is to be present and it's about what's happening in me, not changing what's happening in my house or with my kids, I could take a few minutes to like breathe and remember remember my purpose before I leave my office, depending on the weather and the expectation of my kids, I could take a walk around the block between leaving the office and going in the house. I want to be a person who isn't working or momming for at least a few minutes, right? That transition of like a quick 10-minute walk around the block, that could help. That could be a part.

Another part could be looking at that status report and making a choice about what I'm going to do when I get inside. So like is the lunchtime? Is that is we are we about to leave for the pool? Like the status report, it not only shows me what's going on in the house or what to expect, but it can also tell me what I might actually do once I get in the house. I'm a doer, not knowing what I'm going to do is like, that's kind of hard for me. So that could be a part is to make a choice about what I'm going to do, presumably assuming the state of the house is what I expect when I get there. Now let's pause for a quick second. How you doing? What do you thinking right now. I know that some of you think this is a little too intense. Now, the parts of the

routine are not intense. Like asking a babysitter what's going on at the house and then taking a quick walk to transition from one role to another, that's not a big deal, right? But I know that some of you find this level of thought and intention around something so small to be a bit much. Or you might be someone who doesn't think this kind of intentionality really works or makes a difference. Both of those responses are okay and normal and you are not alone in having them. There are multiple people listening who feel one of those things or both of those things. And you don't have to do it this way. You don't have to do a routine this way. We all get to do what matters to us, right? Like I fully support that. I just want to say that if you are feeling resistance to this for some reason,

I invite you to give this a try. It might work better than what you've done before. And if it doesn't, you are in no different place than you were at the beginning of this episode. But I can also tell you that this level of intention, even in these seemingly small places, is, I think, how to live a wholehearted, grounded, present, full life that matters to you. These are the kinds of choices and rhythms that over time create a life that has white space and joy, and productivity and all the things that a full life has. I really believe in this process as something that can slowly adjust the way that you live each day, making it feel more alive and like you over time.

Okay, pause over. Now as we close, let's put the parts that I listed in a possible order if I were to do all of them. Okay. So first, I text the adults in the house, say I'll be in in a minute. and ask for a quick status report. Once I get that, I can decide what is probably next for me when I do go on the side of the house. That thing could be wildly different day to day. If everybody's watching a TV show or like the rare movie that they can agree on,

then my thing I do when I go inside is to maybe sit on the couch with them and do whatever they're doing, you know? So I get the status report. I make a call and what will probably be mine to do when I go inside. And then I can either take a few deep breaths. and remember the purpose of this moment, or I can extend that deep breath time with a walk around the block before I go inside. I don't know about y'all,

but that feels like an excellent work to parenting routine. And if the only thing I can do is the status report, totally fine. If it's only a walk because the adult did not hear my text, totally fine. And if nothing happens at all, and I walk into chaos without knowing what's happening, what I'm doing or without any moment to center beforehand. Also totally fine. Why? Because of step

five. Pivot. You learn to pivot. You learn to be okay, not being okay. If it doesn't go the way that I want, I can pivot and be all right. If I'm feeling off because of hormones or a stressful work day or not a good night's sleep the night before or anticipation of something later that I really don't want to do, it's going to be okay. Remember that the steps to pivoting, They help us emotionally navigate those daily situations that just like knock us off the beam a little. I mentioned that episode, like how to pivot around any obstacle. And this is a reminder that obstacles are not the same as trauma or navigating like truly, truly difficult seasons of life, like going through cancer treatment or a season of being without a job or chronic illness. So I'm not saying you can breathe your way through trauma.

like breathing is important and so are other more comprehensive tools offered by professionals so hear me that that pivoting is not really that okay I mean we do sometimes have to pivot in difficult seasons and the tools we use are are broader and more personal probably than what is in in that pivoting episode but here now I'm talking about pivots when you're tired and a little extra stressed and your husband does not text you the status report you asked for like pivoting around that and learning over time to be okay when that is not okay, when that does not happen the way that you expected it to. That's how we become wholeheart of people. That's how we exist as we are, where we are, we're kind to ourselves and the people around us. It's how we can more quickly

let it go when someone does not show up in the routine the way we hoped they would. If you set up a routine, even in this order that I just gave you, but you don't remember to pivot when it doesn't work. Not only will you get mad at the guilty party, whether it's yourself or someone else, but you will see that the routine doesn't work at all because it didn't work today. And then you'll quit something that was actually working sometimes. That's why these are the five steps to routines that actually work. You create them in order with purpose and specificity. You don't focus on the parts so much. And you remember the value of pivoting. When those things are in place, like all five of them order, you will actually keep routines going and they will work for you. A working routine,

it doesn't mean that all the steps are followed every day, right? A working routine, it supports what matters to you. And even when it doesn't, you can still move through that kindly. So that is the five steps to a routine that actually works. I hope that this perspective helps you as you start to think about a summer routine that you could use. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genus of the week. This week, it's Kate Gold. What a great name. Kate Gold sent me this DM a few months ago, and it is a gem for this episode about summer routines. Kate writes, the week after a vacation away from home is always a little hectic for me and my family as we remember our routine after being out of it for a week.

So to make things easier on me in the weeks leading up to our time away, I double batch what I'm cooking so I can freeze half of it and have easy dinners the week we get home. It helps soften the blow of getting back into the groove of things. This is such a great idea that a lot of us forget about doing. For any of you who are traveling or even just entering a season this summer where things are out of routine, like if your kid has a three-day-long swim meet or a traveling volleyball tournament, or maybe your kids are in camp for the week or you have a huge project do at work that's like going to throw everything off, there are lots of times where a week

that's different impacts the weeks that are more routine. When that happens, like double two to five dinners and free. reason. It doesn't have to be a ton of food. Even just cooked meat or something, you know? But thinking intentionally about this before your busy week is so helpful when you're trying to get back into the swing of things. So thank you for this great reminder, Kate, and congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. All right, y'all, thank you so much for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were a good?

living just a B or B plus life, it's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life, because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.