The Lazy Genius Podcast - #320 - How to Feel Good About Free Time

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

Free time is time that is free of responsibilities, obligations, and being beholden to someone else’s needs, wants, or whims. If that’s the case, free time sounds absolutely lovely. But free time, for women especially, comes with a slew of problems, namely guilt in having it and fear of wasting it. So today, we’re going to talk about how to reframe free time and feel good about it.   Helpful Companion Links Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode. This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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From binge all episodes exclusively on Paramount Plus. Hello, you are listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 320, How to Feel Good About Free Time. Let's begin with a working definition of free time. Free time is time that is free of responsibilities, obligations, and being beholden to someone else's needs, wants, or whims. If that's the case, free, free time sounds absolutely lovely. I love time where I don't have to worry about other people's needs, wants and whims. But free time for women especially comes with a slew of problems, namely guilt in having it and fear of wasting it. So today we're going to talk about how to reframe free time and feel good about it. This podcast has a high percentage of female listeners. And while this topic is not exclusive to women, I would bet a lot of money that women struggle with this more than men do. I don't have data to back up like the emotional struggles of free time and

downtime, but I have a lifetime of anecdotal evidence to support that in general, women, more than men struggle to take, accept, and enjoy any time that is disconnected from all responsibilities and expectations. It's really hard for women to naturally do this. And if you do naturally do this. You were likely raised by adults who were countercultural in their gender roles and or you have done a lot of work in this area over many years in your own life. So in many ways, this idea of feeling bad about our free time, it is in our marrow. It's in our cultural conditioning. So you're not alone in your struggles. A lot of us feel this way. Now, as I thought through this episode, came at it from a dozen different angles. Like I don't, I cannot remember the last time I spent

this much time I'm trying to break an episode because there are so many ways we can approach this topic. And I just couldn't nail it. It was actually a bit of a struggle. And then I thought, wait, I already have a system for this. We just need to follow the five steps to lazy genius free time. So that's what we're going to do. The five lazy genius steps are prioritize, essentialize, organize, personalized, and systemize. Remember, those are broken down specifically applied to your kitchen in my second book, The Lazy Genius Kitchen, and we talk about them a lot on this podcast. Now, I noticed that these five steps were almost made specifically to help you feel good about free time. Like, it was kind of wild as I broke down

free time. I'm like, man, this is, this is the perfect application for these five steps. One step in particular will get a little more attention than the others. But all five are fantastic for this topic. I'm super pumped and I can't believe I didn't notice it earlier. Again, relieved because I worked on this episode a really long time. But we did it. Okay. So our first step in feeling good about free time is to prioritize or name what matters. And this is important in two ways. One, what matters to you about how you feel about free time? And then two, what matters to you about how you spend your free time? Those two thoughts are connected, but they're different from each other, right? There's a distinction there. If you only answer one and not the other, you likely won't feel very good for very long when you're

presented with your free time. So how do you name what matters about your free time and how you feel about it? There are two questions to pay attention to if the answer does not land in your head automatically. First question, what season are you in? Your season of life is a crucial part of how you spend your free time and also how you feel about it. If you're in a season of taking care of tiny humans, you might feel desperation around free time. You have so little of it. And the pervasive feeling is this desperation to get some, right? Anything, really. And that feeling impacts not only what you choose to do, but your experience of that choice too. Another season of life that could impact your free time feelings are being an empty nester. You might want to feel excited about

your free time because now you have more than you ever have before, but you're learning how to step into those new adventures and hobbies now that you're not taking care of kids all the time, but you also have spent years and years taking care of kids. And that's a big transition and adjustment, right? Maybe you're in a season of having to keep a tight budget. So it matters that you cultivate contentment with whatever you get to do during your free time, even things that don't cost much, if anything at all. Like your season really, really matters. The second question to help you name what matters is what is getting on your nerves. What's the pain point? What makes the lack of free time or your experience of your free time so annoying? It might be that it's really short.

It doesn't seem free at all because someone else is always there. It might be that every time you plan some kind of free time, it gets eaten up by someone else's urgency and that is super annoying. It could be that the trail you used to walk to enjoy your limited daily free time is blocked off by like a fallen tree or maybe it's raining a ton right now or it's too hot and you can't spend your free time outside like you usually do. And that is getting on your nerves. So if you're struggling to name what matters about how you feel about your free time and how you spend it, notice what season you're in? And then what about free time is kind of getting on your nerves right now? I used to feel so guilty about my free time. And I don't struggle too much.

with that anymore. Now that is because I am one of those people that I mentioned earlier that's done years of personal work to get the guilt out of my marrow. So it does happen. It can happen. But even though the guilt is gone, I still want to prioritize the feeling around my free time. The only, it's naming what matters about how you feel about your free time is not just removing guilt about it. You might have a specific way you want to feel. For me, it's being present in whatever I'm doing. I don't want to be looking at the clock to count down how much longer I have. I want to be where I am no matter what I'm doing. That presence is a driving force for me in my free time.

And the thing that matters most about how I spend my time is that I just intentionally choose. It doesn't matter what I choose, but if I just settle for whatever's in front of me, the free time is usually less fulfilling. It's still good, but it's not great. Now, not every session of free time has to be like the best ever. But if a little bit of intention from me creates a more positive free time experience, I'd like to use a little bit of intention. I'd like to prioritize it, if you will.

So once you name both things, how you feel about free time and what you want to do, right? You could combine them into one phrase. For me, it's to intentionally choose something to do and then be present in it. That phrase is specific to me and is in complete alignment with my priorities. What's nice is that it's also versatile. The type of thing I do or the energy required for that thing, it can change, right? Like my free time can look different across multiple experiences. I can do something restful, creative, social, exciting.

It doesn't matter. What matters to me is that it's something I intentionally choose and then stay present in. This is why priorities are so helpful. They help you focus in on what really matters so that you can make choices that make a difference for you. So prioritize what matters to you about free time. One answer for the feeling and another for the experience. If you need help figuring that out, pay attention to your season of life and to what's

getting on your nerves. Once you name those two things, you can combine them into one phrase if you can. It's like a free time mantra. That phrase is your engine. We'll be right back. Aw isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast.

Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Next is likely one of our biggest steps today. We'll spend the most time on that you'll spend a lot of time on over the course of your life. And that is step two, essentialize or get rid of what's in the way. Why is this the biggest? Because there are a lot of things in the way of you feeling good about free time. Guilt that you're doing it.

Fear that you're going to waste it. Frustration or self-shaming when you get to the end of it and it wasn't great. Perpetual sadness that it's hard to come by. resentment of a partner or a friend or a family member who seems to have a much better time of this than you do? There's a lot that's in the way of us feeling good about free time. And that's just like the intangible emotional stuff, not to mention like schedules and children and things. Now typically in this five-step lazy genius process, essentializing is like, I think it's kind of easy. And I think that's because we're often dealing with tangible things. What's in the way of my clean counter?

the pile of mail. I'll get rid of the pile of mail. What's in the way of my peaceful work routine? Checking my email first. I'll stop checking my email first. Like it's a lot easier to get rid of a, you know, a broken soap dispenser in your bathroom than it is to get rid of incorrect thought patterns that have been implicitly taught to you over decades of your life. So I realize this is not an easy ask, but it is, it is really worthwhile. I am curious about the impact of just simply naming these things that are in the way, just say them out loud. Don't keep them in or ignore them. I believe that honesty has the potential to do more for your situation than you realize. To say, oh, the thing getting in my way is that I'm never happy with how I spend my time.

Huh. That gives you a place to start. You know, you can think about why. Why are you not happy when you get to the end of your free time? Like, what's going on there? Those feelings and internal postures they have a lot more power over us when we keep them inside. Bring them out. Be honest about them and name what's in the way of you feeling good about free time, especially based on the free time mantra that you just came up with in step one, right? It is very important to also bring your season of life back into this conversation. A lot of our guilt is cultural conditioning. It's implicit and sometimes explicit messages of performance and guilt and self-sacrifice and doing things for yourself is selfish and frivolous and women aren't supposed to be vain or selfish or leave their

kids or spend money on things that aren't investments for the future or whatever like it's exhausting. There are a lot of those cultural messages in the way of what matters. But on top of that, your season of life will play a big part of what's in the way to. If you work full time, you might just want to be in your own home without having to be at anyone's beck and call. If you are home with kids all day, you want to leave your home. Like we all have different things that are in the way of our enjoyment of our free time, and your season of life is definitely going to play into that. This is also a great place to remind you that your season is not forever. Maybe you do need to make some specific choices for this season so that you can feel good about

your free time. And it's okay that they're not ideal. This season is not forever. If we go back to my own example of intentionally choosing what I'm going to do and then stay present in that thing. Something in the way of that is worrying if I chose wrong. That is for sure in the way. I have definitely spent my entire stretch of free time worrying about my choice rather than actually experiencing the choice. You know, like, how really should I have spent my time doing this? Like when I do that, it is a bit of a drag. Now, since I know that can get in the way, I can choose to release or let go or get rid of this idea. that there is a right way to spend my free time. I mean, how many of you have dropped your kids off

at grandma's house or you have walked out of your own house where your family remains or you took a morning off work and you are crippled by the preciousness of this time? You're so excited, but you're also like panicked that you're going to waste it. Some of you feel that before the free time even starts. You're worried that you're going to waste the three hours before they even begin. I remember the first time I took both of my boys to preschool and I had my first real morning where they were both gone for four hours. I was a zombie. Part of that was because I left my babies at school and I was, you know, catapulted into an emotional abyss because I had left them with someone else. But part of it was also having no idea what to do with my time. I was paralyzed with indecision and with anxiety that I would somehow waste the time that I had. So for those two mornings a week, because at that time my boys went two mornings a week,

I would break my neck trying to cram every bit of housework and every errand into those four hours, but then resent that I didn't really do anything for myself. But if I spent time doing something for myself, I spent the first hour trying to figure out what that was and the remaining three being distracted by what I probably should be doing. It was a whole thing. So personality, life stage, they play huge roles in this, but ultimately, I think this is an energy that at least in part all of us can relate to, this idea of like, I don't want to waste my time and being crippled by that. There is a connection between our guilt and making the most

out of the time because we're already struggling to take it in the first place. And we live in a culture that tells us to treat time as a currency and that we need to make the most out of every single second. So I would just encourage you to just do it. Just choose. Just choose something. Like not everything has to be perfect. Not everything has to be productive. Please don't make everything perfect and productive. We don't need that. Next up. Step three is organized. Let's put our free time and our feelings about it in place. As a reminder, what is free time? Free time is having a time that is free of being beholden to anyone else's needs, wants, or whims, right? That is the purpose of free time. That's the point, you are spending time for yourself. Do not forget this. If you do forget it, you will flirt with

responsibility and then you're opening the door to guilt. How many times have you thought, I should be doing something else, like more responsible right now? But my answer is when you have free time, no, you should not. You shouldn't. That's not the purpose of free time. Now hear me, if you love doing something that is traditionally like a should for someone else, something that's like, quote unquote responsible. That's fine. Do whatever you want. Sometimes things that we love, they line up with what we actually need to do. Some of you all love to clean. I don't. But don't get the two confused if they are in fact different for you. So you need to put the purpose of free time in its place. And you do that by just reminding yourself. Like this is free time. This is what this is for, right?

But let's also put actual free time in its place, like on the calendar. Based on what matters and what's in the way, how often would you ideally like to experience the kind of free time that fits in your season of life right now? Be a grown up and think confidently and kindly about what really makes the most sense for you right now. And right now is the operative phrase here. The way that I prioritize and spend my free time now is way different than when it was, you know, my kids were little. We were at home all the time before all my kids were in actual school my free time would be in the early morning before anyone got up. I would wake up an hour earlier than the earliest waking child and read and drink my coffee and just enjoy the silence. I was about to enter an entire day of being with a tiny human

or more than one. So starting alone, it mattered to me. It was really important. But also when your kids are younger, if you have kids, they go to bed early. Like there were years where all my kids were asleep by 730. Amazing. So I could get that longer wind down that was even more fulfilling and effective when I was intentional about it at the end of the day. Okay. Well, now my kids are in school and I do get the house quiet and alone like every single day. But also I still have responsibilities and this job. So even though I have a quiet house, I don't necessarily have free time. I also have kids who go to bed a lot later. My boys are 11 and 13 and they do not go to bed until 10 o'clock, even on school nights. Ben will put himself to bed and we'll sometimes like say at 9.15, I'm going to bed.

I'm done. And he'll just go. But Sam is social and he would stay up until midnight if we let him. So we have to make him go to bed. But it's like usually 930, 10. Easy. And in the summer they stay up later. Like last night, Sam didn't go to bed until 1030. And it's because I had to kick him out. And I know kids theory two stay up way later than that. The point here is that my season of life does not allow me. to have those longer evenings to wind down and be free of responsibility because anytime one of my kids is in the room there will always be a chance of responsibility. So based on what matters to me and my season of life, I don't really get up early anymore because I would rather sleep, especially since I'm going to bed later because of the boys. But I do need a longer stretch to just be in my house

without any humans or responsibilities. And that is why I take Fridays off. of work. I work and I do all the grown-up responsible things for my job in my house, Monday through Thursday while my kids are in school. But on Fridays, Fridays are free. Fridays I read. I watch TV. I go for a walk. I paint. I listen to an audio book. I take three naps. I go to a thrift store. I make a lunch that's fun to make. I do whatever I want to do. And it's really the thing that keeps the weeks and, frankly, my life moving at a sustainable pace. I am getting that refuel once a week. I get about a six-hour chunk once a week.

Now, outside of that and my lunch breaks every day, I don't actually really get free time. Like everyone is home. I have things to do. I mean, there are things that are fun and restful, but they're not like free for just me, unless I take them, right? Now, in the season of Tiny Humans,

if I had to wait for a chunk of free time once a week, it would have broken me. The energy to be with Tiny Humans is very different for me than working energy. And in that season, I need a daily refueling, not weekly. Does all that make sense? So as you choose where to put your free time, your season of life really, really matters. Your free time needs and availability, they will shift depending on what's happening in your

life. Like right now it's summer. In summer, Kendra does not get her Fridays. It is very sad. But I do get reading at the pool while the kids play. I do get cause home for several weeks in the summer where I can say like on a random Wednesday or on a weekend, will you take the kids somewhere for two hours? Or I'm going for a long walk or whatever, right? I have the privilege of having another adult hold down that fort. But your season of life is going

to change where you put your free time. We'll be right back. So our first three steps, name what matters, get rid of what's in the way and then put your free time in its place. Step four is personalize or feel like yourself. This one is the most fun. Just do what you want to do. Spend your free time the way you like. There's no wrong answer here. What gives you energy?

What refuels you? What kind of rest do you need from your free time experience? Is it rest at all, you know? Remember, there are seven kinds of rest. That's an old podcast episode that we'll put in the show notes, like the seven different kinds of rest and which one you might actually need. But you might need to refuel in your free time. you might need to recover from something, get ready for a big season that's coming. You might need to be with

people, be alone, be heard, do something with your body. Like, what feels personal to you? What sounds fun to you? What feels restful to you? And which one do you need right now? Now, I think I'm a bit fortunate in this. I feel a little lucky because what is both restful and fun for me is the same thing. It's reading. That's why it's my favorite hobby and my favorite way to spend any free time. If I need to move my body, I can listen to an audiobook while I walk. If I just want to lay in bed and rest, I can read while I do it and I fall asleep with a book on my chest at any moment necessary. I can read for five minutes or five hours. Now, it took me some time to name that as my favorite thing and something that makes me feel like myself. So be patient if you

don't quite know, you know. And seasons of life, they also change what once made us feel like ourselves. You know, we become different people over time with, you know, different needs and things we enjoy. it's okay if the thing you used to do doesn't really work anymore. Be patient as you practice, try things and figure it out. But ultimately, personalize your free time. Feel like yourself. If you don't, like what's even the point? And finally, step five is systemize. You need to keep this in a flow. I'm going to start this one with a personal example of how your flow will change. During the school year, the way that I systemize my free time is by using the lazy genius principle decide once. Fridays are my day off. Boom. But in the summers, I cannot do that. I cannot have my Friday because everyone is here.

But I also can't really decide once because of how different each week is. Some weeks, causes working. Others, I have a sitter for a few mornings. Other weeks, you know, one to three of my kids are in camps that need transportation. So I do have some time, but like maybe one of the kids is home and I have to drive the others around, blah, blah, the weather might impact, whether we go to the pool, we might take a day trip, which impacts daily rhythms. There's so many things that change summer days and weeks. So I cannot decide once my free time. It is not the season for that kind of systemization. But I can decide once when I will look at the upcoming week and I will put my free time in its place. See what I mean? Lazy genus principles, especially decide once.

batch it, put everything in its place, and ask the magic question, are all really helpful in keeping things in a flow. But certain seasons impact that flow. So pay attention. You may have to change. You may have to change things. I don't think I realized this when I started, but the principle live in your season is literally in every single one of these five steps. I've mentioned it in every single one. Your season impacts your free time and how you feel about it in tremendous ways. So please pay attention to you. to that. Please pay attention to your season and be kind about the season you're in as you prioritize, essentialize, organize, organize, personalized, and systemize. Applying these five steps

to free time, it's kind of top heavy. The first two or three principles are the ones that will, or the two or three steps are the ones that are likely going to require the most brain power and intention from you. And then after that, you have very little to personalize or systemize. You just can make it happen in small ways. So I would spend your time like really naming what matters to you. Be patient as you get rid of what's in the way, especially those things you might be thinking about your free time and put everything in its place,

especially based on your season. It's not just trying to figure out how to spend your free time. The way to feel about free time is to go through these steps and create a strong foundation for what you need. so that you can make choices that make sense for you, you know, you got to go in the right order. That's another lazy genius principle. And that is how to feel good about free time. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week, it's Katie Intrican. She emailed me this super simple lazy genius decision that might seem like common sense,

but man, is it something we often do not consider? Katie writes, a while back, my four-year-old became fully potty trained at night and started wearing underwear. All of a sudden he was running out of underwear before next week's laundry day because he was changing underwear morning and night. Rather than policing his clothing rhythm, I just bought another pack of underwear. Listen, y'all, just buy another pack of underwear. How often do we try and uproot a system because something suddenly isn't working when there is a simple solution right in front of us? There are plenty of versions of just buy another pack of underwear. And I love example. Notice if you're complicating something that could be solved with a very simple decision.

So this is great, Katie. Thank you for sharing. And congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. If you would like to get a summary of this episode and all the other episodes along with some extra things to listen to, stuff to read to kind of help it along, you should sign up for our biweekly Friday email called latest lazy listens. It's a podcast digest. So you can get the gist of the last two weeks worth of episodes. We share the lazy geniuses of the week, which really comes in handy when somebody shares like a magical mac and cheese recipe that you need typed out. It's just a really helpful, well-organized, short but robust email. If you like this podcast, I think you'll really enjoy getting the email. You can click the link in the show notes to get it and just try it out. If you get it

every other Friday and you find that it's not something you need, you can just unsubscribe from that particular email. You'll still get the monthly latest lazy letter. But give it a shot and see what you think we have almost 10,000 people getting that email since we started it a few months ago and as social proof that number has only gone up from when we began plus almost everyone opens it to read it. It's not a like get it and delete it sort of email like a like 85% of people open this thing every single time which is insane. So again if you like this podcast, I think you'll really like the email twice a month super helpful. The link is in the show notes or you can go to the lazy genius collective.com slash listens.

Okay, y'all, that's it for today. Thanks so much for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. If you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life, it's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life, because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me. but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves.

Listen to becoming you wherever you get your podcasts.