The Lazy Genius Podcast - #323 - How to Lazy Genius a Big Change

Episode Date: July 17, 2023

One of the most common questions I get is how to Lazy Genius some kind of big change. A new city, job, kid, or relationship. Leaving a career, a friend group, or a religion. Losing a spouse, parent, or the connection with your kid now that they’re a teenager. The reason I’ve never done an episode like this and why it’s hard to answer questions about big changes in DMs and emails is because there’s not a simple answer. So here’s what we’re going to do today. First, I’m going to share four principles of a big change that I want you to remember. Second, I’m going to give you two questions to help you create some understanding around your big change. And third, I’m going to give you two choices you could make after you answer those questions.   Helpful Companion Links Episode #259: 5 Steps to Lazy Genius Anything Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode.   This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey there, you're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I am Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 323. How to lazy genius a big change. One of the most common questions I get is how to lazy genius some kind of big change, a new city, job, kid, relationship, leaving a career, a friend group or a religion, losing a spouse, a parent, or the connection with your kid that you, used to have, but you don't feel like you do anymore because now they're a teenager, becoming a stay-at-home parent, going back to work, becoming an empty nester, going through a terrible breakup and suddenly being alone. I mean, holy moly, you guys, it's Monday morning. This is so depressing. There are a lot of big changes we all experience, and none of us are immune from them. Also, reading that list, it really does make me feel kind of heavy inside.

Like, those are some pretty major things. And even imagining navigating them, it takes it out of me. So what happens when that's like our actual life, right? So today we're going to talk about how to lazy genius a big change. Now, the reason I've never done an episode like this and why honestly it's hard to answer questions about big changes, say in, you know, DMs or emails is because there's not a simple answer. There's not really a formula to get your head around the whole thing, around the whole big change and make it make sense.

And that's why big changes are challenging, right? They're enormous and we want the whole thing to make sense. But it can't in the way we want it to. But we also don't want to just sit there and let the big change happen to us without doing anything to prepare for it or navigate through it either. So here's what we're going to do today. First, I'm going to share four principles of a big change that I want you to remember and repeat and internalize until they become more natural to you. Second, I'm going to give you two questions to help you create some understanding around your big change. And third, I'm going to give you two

choices you could make after you answer those questions. Lots of numbers. Okay, let's start with the four principles of big change. Number one, I don't have to wrap my head around every part of this. I don't have to wrap my head around every part of this. Please just give yourself permission to not figure every single detail out or to think that you should. Big changes, life transitions, overwhelming circumstances that mark a before and an after, those things have a lot of layers and details and things you could consider. That does not mean you have to understand every single one right now. So number one, I do not have to wrap my head around every part of this. Number two, I don't have to anticipate every need. I don't have to anticipate every need.

Isn't that why we want to wrap our heads around the whole thing anyway? It's because we We want to know what roadblocks are coming, what needs we're going to have, and have things in place immediately so the change goes more smoothly. But that uses a lot of energy, often very unnecessary energy. And all of that is before the big changes even come. You know, you've used up everything you've got on trying to prepare for the scenarios. Now, sometimes you only do that mentally, but it still takes its toll. Now, I'm not saying you cannot anticipate needs, but the principle here is that you don't have to,

nor should you try and anticipate every need. You can't. And even if you could, things change too much and too quickly for all that work to actually count anyway. So don't anticipate every need. Number three, I don't need to expect everything to be smooth all the time. I don't need to expect everything to be smooth all the time. time. But smoothness is the goal for a lot of us. We want life to be easy and without bumps where we, you know, we press our red button to start our well-constructed, optimized life. And then it just

like rolls along almost without our help. That is not how life goes. Nor do we really want it to be that way if we think about it. You know, it's the pivots, the transitions, the struggles that make us more ourselves. It's not always fun, but learning to pivot is way more important and helpful to being wholehearted human beings than learning to plan. So if you go into a big change with the expectation that everything will and should be smooth because of all of this planning and anticipating you're doing, you will not only have to pivot because we all have to pivot, but you'll have to do it while having unmet expectations and a lot of disappointment. So don't expect everything to be smooth all the time.

Give your life permission to do what it's going to do. And finally, number four, I don't have to have all the answers right now. The first principle, I don't have to wrap my head around every part of this. It might sound a little similar, but that one is about what you know or think you should know. This one, I don't have to have all the answers right now, is about time. in this moment of stress or excitement or wonder or fear or all of the above at once, you don't have to know everything right now. You don't have to have all the answers in this single moment.

You don't have to have all the answers at any time ever. I mean, you won't. You won't. We already established that. But there's no world where anyone has all the answers. And you definitely don't have to know as much as you want to know right now. Right now can be for right now. It can be for one thing for whatever is.

next. But right now is definitely not for all the answers. Now, with those four principles as the undercurrent of our transition into a new stage of life or some kind of big change, there are two questions I want you to ask yourself to help you see where you are a little bit better. We'll be right back. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life.

You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Okay, our first question is, what's changing? And the second is, what are you worried about? those two questions sound pretty simple and they actually are but they also hold a lot of goodness so let's look at how they can help when we enter a new stage of life or go through some kind of big change we focus on the label we give that change i'm having a new baby i'm getting a new job i'm moving to a new city i'm getting married i'm going back to school and while those are accurate labels they don't do a lot for us they tell you

what is happening, but there's nothing about what is changing or especially what is causing you to worry about it. It's really important that you specifically name what is changing. If you keep it broad with just the title of the change, you won't know how to help yourself kindly and gently and effectively as you transition through it. So what is changing? Make that list as long as you need it to be. And then I want you to look at everything that is changing and ask yourself, what am I worried about? For each individual thing that's changing, what is it that you're worried about? Worry is usually what causes us to plan. Worry is what causes us to try and figure out what's going to happen. We worry that we won't be ready for what is coming and that something bad or negative will happen because of it. That's what

gets us all upside down and inside out about needing to know everything and know it now, right? So write down specifically what is changing and then what is worrying you about those changes. Then you'll be able to see what actually needs your attention. You've made something that was big into something much smaller. We cannot solve big problems, but we probably can solve some small ones. Okay, so we have our four principles of a big change. I don't have to wrap my head around every part of this. I don't have to anticipate every need.

I don't need to expect everything to be smooth all the time, and I don't have to have all the answers right now. We also have a way to make this big change smaller by naming specifically what is changing, and then what we're worried about for each of those smaller changes. Well, now what? Now you choose the part of the change you're most worried about, the one that takes up the most space on your list and in your head, and you lazy genius that specific thing. Depending on what it is and how long it might take, you can then tend to another worry on the list. But you can only solve one problem at a time. You are one person.

Now, if you have other people who are part of your big change, you can invite them to take one of those changes and work on a solution for it themselves. You are not the only one who has to navigate this big change. If you're a woman and let's say you care for a family, you might be like, wait what? I don't. Like all this invisible labor does not have to fall to me? No, it does not. Does it usually? Probably. And we tend to stay with what's normal, right? It's been normalized for women to take care of things like navigating a big change in a family or a partnership or whatever you have. But you don't have to be the only one to tend to this. So don't try to solve everything yourself all at once. Just start with one thing. But someone else can also start with a different thing.

Okay. Now how do you lazy genius, this smaller problem that is causing you this specific worry? You can do one of two things. You can either apply a lazy genius principle or two maybe directly to that problem or you can be a little more thorough, especially if it's a more complex worry and apply the five lazy genius steps to it. I talk about those five steps in the most detail in my book, the lazy genius. kitchen, but I use them in tons of episodes too. The best breakdown is a great buddy episode to this one. Episode 259, five steps to lazy genius anything. I love a good buddy episode. So because that's there, I'm not going to go into too much detail here, but quickly, the five steps in order are, prioritize or name what matters, essentialize or get rid of what's in the way, organize, or put everything in its place. Personalize, feel like yourself, and systemize, stay in the flow. Now, some problems do not need those steps. You can just like slap a decide once decision on one of your worries and call it good. You don't have to take it through a process. But some

things do need more of a process. So you have both options, right? In a second, we're going to walk through a specific example from start to finish to see how this works. But first, I want to you why it matters at all, why the process matters at all. Because maybe you think this is all a bit obvious. Maybe you think that like if you're getting a new job, the issues are clear, you don't need to break anything down. So for the sake of this one-sided conversation we're having, let's say we have three people who are all going through the big change of getting a new job. All three have their principles on repeat in their heads. And now it's time for these three to name what's actually changing. And they could all,

easily say something different. What's changing for one is more responsibility. For another, it's going from a work environment of camaraderie to a new unknown dynamic. And for the third person, it's that they're the sole breadwinner in their home now and they work before. Already you can see that even with those three people, like we can't approach a new job in the same way. While the label of the new job is the same, what is changing? What is changing? is different, which takes us to our second question. What are you worried about? Now, you might think you know, but it's wild how naming it really shows what the answers

could be, but also what yours actually is. So for the person who's getting more responsibility at work, maybe the worry is that she can't measure up to the expectations. Or maybe she's worried she's going to burn out. For the person who was going from a great work environment to a new, one to a new unknown, the worries that she'll be alone and she'll never have the same kind of relationships in her workplace. Or maybe she's worried that if she does have great workplace relationships, that she'll lose the friendships from the other job. For the person who is now the

sole breadwinner, the worry is that she won't be able to sustain this job and therefore can't support her family. Or maybe she's worried about resentment that she's now the only one the family depends on. Now that we're getting even more in the weeds, do you see how a new job presents very different problems across the board? We could do six episodes on like just that last paragraph. It's not as simple as how to navigate a new job. So I hope this shows you why these questions matter. You need to know exactly what is changing and then more precisely what it is you're worried about. Okay, so let's take this all the way through the process and see where we land. There are so many big changes that we all experience, but one that we do all experience is getting

older. It doesn't matter if you're 22 or 82, you're getting older. And you might have some worry around different parts of that transition. I experienced that feeling of like, oh, wow, this is a big change when I was 20 and I got married and I was an adult all of the sudden. I mean, let's be honest, I wasn't really an adult because I was 20, but you know, I also experienced when I was 33 and my body just like started doing different stuff. I was like, what's happening? I was also pregnant with Annie when I was 33. So there were so many changes happening in my body, particularly ones that would have been different if I was five years

younger. And then the same thing happened when I turned 40. I love being 40. I'm actually 41 now. I love it from an emotional standpoint. I've felt 43 on the inside for like the last 15 or 20 years. But physically, I definitely feel like I'm getting older. Okay. So your big change of getting older, it could be existential. Like, you know, I'm whatever age, what am I doing with my life? Or I'm whatever age and this thing has not happened yet.

Your ideas of getting older could be about experiences, that there are so many things that you wish you had done by now or that you want to do. And what if you're running out of time? It could be physical. especially if you're a woman, things like paraminopause and menopause, they are no joke. If you've had babies and your hips are just shot like mine are, that's a whole thing that you feel more and more as you get older. Plus like creaky knees and changing eyesight and suddenly you can't eat dairy anymore without taking medicine first. There's also this idea of invisibility. The older

you get as a woman, the more invisible you seem to become, and that can be really tough to go through. I remember sitting on a beautiful restaurant patio with Anne Bogle a year or two ago, and we were having the best time. Well, a car pulled up to the restaurant right where we were sitting, and a half a dozen young 20-somethings got out of the car. They were like decked out, looking good, the coolest ever. They looked around, they surveyed things, passing over me and Anne, like we were not even there, and then walked inside the restaurant. Now, because the car had pulled up right where, like literally right where we were, like we could have almost touched the car. We both had stopped our conversation to turn and see what was happening to look at these beautiful people. And as they walked past us, I turned to Anne and I said, well, that was eye opening.

And she immediately was like, yep, I think we might have just reached our invisible age. Like, we both felt it. It was the smallest moment and it was mostly funny, but it was also kind of jarring. Like, wow, like I'm getting older. It's the older you get, the less you're seeing. Now, that's not a bad thing. But it does cause a little bit of upside downness sometimes, depending on what you're specifically going through.

And that's the point of this process, right? The specifics of what you are going through. So let's say you're experiencing this big change of getting older. As we already laid out, there could be many elements to that. So first, I want you to review. remember the principles of a big change. I don't have to wrap my head around every part of this. You don't have to be 25 figuring out menopause. I don't have to anticipate every need. I don't need to expect everything to be smooth all the time. And I don't have to have all the

answers right now. Okay, cool. Great. Now, what is actually changing? I'll answer this for myself. The way that my body processes food is changing. I cannot drink the same. I cannot eat dairy. the same, sometimes even gluten, which is like, makes me so sad. Caffeine hits me differently. The intervals and rhythms I used to eat meals and snacks, they feel off somehow. Essentially, what's changing is my body's relationship with food. There are other things that are changing, but that's the one that stands out the most right now. Okay, the next question. What is worrying me about that change? The transparent truth here is that I am worried that any adjustments that I make around food or amounts of food or the timing of when I eat the food, that all of that will put

me back on the horrible spend cycle of diet culture. I also have a history of disordered eating and anything that is restrictive in any way, it takes me back there mentally, like even the tiniest ways. So that's my worry. My worry is, you know, my body is changing how it responds to certain foods and I am worried that tending to it is going to impact my mental health and even make me feel a little bit like a fraud because I'm making choices around food in a way that possibly feels adjacent to diet culture. Now that is obviously way more specific than I'm getting older, right? That's why these questions matter. So now what? Well, now I want a lazy genius this. I want to be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't.

So I can either go ahead and apply a principle to the situation or if it feels like it needs more of a process, I can do the five steps. For this one, I think we need the five steps. We'll be right back. All right, five steps. Number one, prioritize. What matters most? This can be hard to name, especially when multiple things matter. Two things that matter to me about my body's changing relationship with food is that I want to stay rooted in the truth about my body's goodness and not get sucked up into old ways of thinking. And second, what matters is I want to honor my body. I want to tend and listen and give her what she needs.

And at times, those two priorities feel at odds with each other, which is why I need to to pick what matters most. And for me, it's that I'm honoring my body. That's the highest priority. All right. Second step. Essentialize. I need to get rid of what is in the way of what matters. So what is in the way of honoring my body? I know it immediately. It's this idea that if I make intentional choices around food, then I'm giving into diet culture. If I limit how often I eat ice cream because the dairy puts me in a bad place for at least a couple hours after, I am just back to a place of being in bondage to disordered eating. And honestly, that's not true, right?

We go through phases and stages of needing to tend to and care for our bodies in different ways. But deep in my heart, what's in the way of that is the fear that I'm either giving in or I'm on a slippery slope back to old patterns. And now I know that. All right. So third is organize. Put everything in its place. What needs to be in place here? Well, I think it's mindset. What needs to be in place is the truth that I have not struggled with disordered eating in 20 years. I need to remember that while my mind might be a little afraid, the reality is that I have lived the last two decades without going back to those patterns.

intentionally limiting a certain kind of food because it causes pain or discomfort and therefore affects my sleep and how I spend my time, aka on the toilet, instead of on the couch reading a book. That's not bad. Intentionally limiting things that are now a little more harmful than helpful, that's a kindness to my body. It's not a cop out or giving up or saying the last 20 years is something that doesn't count because I don't need as much ice cream anymore. So while I could put boundaries in place around like the food itself, really, I just need to lock in that mindset and the truth of the situation. Because I'm very good at listening to my body, the boundaries are less important.

Since I already kind of know what's best for me from like a like a physical intake standpoint, it's the believing. That's what gets me. So mindset needs to be in place. Okay. Fourth, personalize. How can I feel like myself in this? Whenever I make a conscious choice around food, I sit in that choice and I persevereate on it. I worry and I feel bad and I dwell on something that does not matter. And that for sure does not help me feel like myself. Like I'm a confident person. I love trusting myself and being grounded in who I am, knowing that the choices I'm making for, my own needs are honoring to my body, to my circumstances, to my soul. So when I'm questioning

that and dwelling on that, I do not feel like myself. In fact, I feel kind of like the worst version of myself. So a way that I can feel like myself in these times of honoring my body and how it's changing around certain kinds of foods is to make sure I do something else that makes me feel like myself. If I decide one evening after listening to my body that eating ice cream is not the best call tonight, rather than wallowing in that and worrying that I'm like, back on the assembly line of diet culture,

I do something else. I read, I paint, I play a game with cause or one of the kids. I seek to feel like myself in another way so that I can stay grounded in what matters. And then finally, the fifth step is to syssey. or stay in the flow. This is where you can apply a lazy genus principle, but to a very specific problem now that you found it. Some things need to go through this process before you can really see what needs your attention, like this situation. And now that I've gone through the other four

steps, I think the two principles that come to the surface for me to help me stay in the flow with this thinking is to be kind to yourself. Like I want to be kind to myself as I'm getting older. I don't to be unkind in my body because of this poor mindset. I also don't want to beat myself up when I do get into a little shame spiral about eating or not eating the ice cream or whatever it is. Because there are shame spirals with both sometimes, which is like the worst, even the doing or the not doing. It's both places. So instead of that, I want to be kind to myself, gentle, compassionate, and kind. Okay, the second principle that comes to mind that's more practical is decide once, of course. My issue is not to be deciding once about what I'm going to eat or not eat. That's actually not the flow I need to be in.

My issue is deeper and more personal because it's about the mindset. I want to feel like myself and whatever decision I make to honor my body. So I am going to decide once that if I find myself in a situation where I need to say no to a certain food at a certain time because I know it will recavoc later, I will paint. Painting is. is such a centering hobby for me, and it makes me tremendously happy. So that can be my decide once. If I'm feeling a little wonky, I'm going to go paint.

Now, if I'm not in a place where painting is the option, next up, I will read. Reading is almost always an option. And on the rare occasion that neither is available, I'm just going to lean back into that kindness. Now listen, let's look at this. What are the real actions happening here? I'm going to listen to my body and honor it in the way I'm already trying to do and I'm actually

pretty good at from a tangible standpoint. And when that leads me to a potentially uncomfortable place, I'm going to paint as a way to help me ground and feel like myself. Now, if I had not gone through this process of remembering those four principles of a big change, of asking myself what's really changing and what I'm actually worried about, and then going through those steps to figure out what's actually going on at the center, Do you know what I would have done? I would have probably created all kinds of rules about what I can eat and win,

maybe some kind of big workout plan. I might go online and look for supplements or something to solve my digestion issues. All big, complex solutions to a big complex problem. But when I made the problem smaller, the answer is very doable. My answer is to be kind and to paint. I mean, that's way better. That's way better. So as you are going through a big change, take the time to name what's changing, to name what you're

worried about and create a smaller problem with a kind solution that will actually serve who you most deeply are. And that's how to lazy genius, a big change. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week, it is Elizabeth Dean. sounds like a Nancy Drew's sidekick, who shared such a great perspective on a way to solve a problem in her own big life transition. Elizabeth writes this. I have a baby who had a colic.

And for several weeks, the hours between 6 and 11 at night were truly awful. I felt like I was at my wits end and thought, what would Kendra tell me to do? A good part of my stress was coming from not having my own needs met in that time. So it felt like a good time to apply the magic question. What can I do now to make things easier later? With that in mind, I started doing all my nighttime jobs by 5.30. I'd shower, take off my makeup, take out my contacts, etc., and I ate dinner earlier too. I also put snacks, my nighttime medicine, and a full water bottle on my nightstand.

Even though the baby screaming was still a lot to handle, I felt so much better doing it when I had already taken care of myself. And when I finally got him settled, which was often on my chest in my bed, I didn't have to upset the balance by getting up to do things like eat or get ready for bed. It was truly a game changer for me in a really challenging season. Y'all, when I read this, like I teared up a little. I feel it a little bit now even just reading it again. Crying babies who have colic, it's such a hard season to be in. We had it.

Not to mention that it's usually right on the heels of or in the throes of a huge life transition like having a new baby in the house. It's so hard to work through that. and it feels so overwhelming. So I love this message from Elizabeth because she's honoring her season and making small choices for the hardest parts. It doesn't make the problem of a crying baby go away, but it did make that hard transition a little easier.

I just love this. And what an honor, Elizabeth, to be in your head enough for you to think about what I would say, like what would Kendra do? And what I love to about the 13 lazy genius principles is that you, you have to be a lot of you don't need me to tell you specifically what to do. You don't need a podcast episode or a step by step. You can take a principle and apply it to your life because you know your life way better than I do.

So every single thing about this, every single thing, other than the crying baby, makes me tremendously happy. So thank you for sharing Elizabeth. And congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. If you would like to get a summary of this episode and all the other episodes, this is a good one because of all the numbers involved, along with like extra things to listen to or stuff to read that goes along with the episode, you should sign up for our biweekly Friday email, The Latest Lazy Lists.

It is a podcast digest. So you can get the gist of the last two weeks worth of episodes with helpful resources and even the lazy genius of the week. Like those are written out for you. So if you're a podcast note taker or you wish you could be, you can save yourself a little energy by getting the notes taken for you in this email. The link is in the show notes, or you can go to the lazy genius collective.com slash listens. Okay, y'all, that's it for today. Thank you so much for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't.

I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life? Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A-plus life is not

available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.