The Lazy Genius Podcast - #325 - Dealing with Differences on How Something Is Done

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

We all have situations where we disagree with someone on how something should be done, and we have to deal with that. We have to figure out how to move forward, navigate any relational issues emotionally, and still get the thing done! This episode is if the episodes When You Disagree on What Matters and How to Pivot Around Any Obstacle had a very practical baby.   Helpful Companion Links Episode 235: When You Disagree on What Matters Episode 310: How to Pivot Around Any Obstacle Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode.   This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey there, you are listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 325, dealing with differences on how something is done. If this is not a relevant topic that applies to like literally everyone, I do not know what is. We all have situations where we disagree with someone on how something should be done. And we have to deal with that. We have to figure out how to emotionally move. We have to forward, how to navigate any relational issues, but also how to still get the thing done. This episode is similar to episode 235, 100-ish episodes ago. That was called When You Disagree on What Matters. But there is a particular difference. That episode is focused on the broader strokes of a disagreement when what you disagree about is rooted in like a philosophical difference as opposed to a practical one. So if you have a relationship where you and the other person fundamentally disagree on a topic that's fairly weighty, listen to episode 235.

This episode is more granular. It's more day-to-day. It's what to actually do when you and someone else are actively disagreeing on how something should be done in the moment. It actually has echoes of episode 310, how to pivot around any obstacle. When we encounter someone who is doing something differently than how we would do it, it is an obstacle. It's not something we expected. And when we hit something we don't expect, we have to move around it or move through it. Sometimes that's super easy and like almost instantaneous.

And then other times it's a lot more complicated. So this episode is if the episodes when you disagree on what matters and how to pivot around any obstacle had a very practical baby. There are six steps to dealing with differences on how something is done. And we'll go through each in detail. Those six steps are. Breathe, access kindness, name what is different, name how much that difference matters, kindly communicate what you need, and repeat as needed, even in the same conversation.

Okay, let's break it down. Step one, breathe. This is how we should start most things with deep intentional breathing. The best deep breath is in through your nose and out through either your nose or your mouth, but don't breathe in through your mouth. The book Breath by James Nestor talks about the many negative impacts of mouth breathing, and it's fascinating. So if you don't care to read the book, just trust me and breathe in through your nose,

like pretty much always. So take a deep breath in through your nose. And you could hold that breath for a few seconds if you want and then breathe out through your nose or mouth, whichever is most comfortable. I actually breathe out through my nose too because it helps me like focus more. So this is similar to box breathing, which you might have heard of. box breathing is breathing in for four slow counts, holding your breath for four slow counts, and then releasing your breath for four slow counts. And you do that as many times as you need

until you feel calmer. Breathing, deep intentional breathing. It lowers your stress. It tells your brain that you are not under duress, that this situation is not life-threatening. And it fully oxygenates your blood, which tells your lungs to stop going so fast and need to calm down. It is in that state that your rational brain, it kicks back into gear where you are able to access thoughts and feelings that are more helpful to the situation as opposed to panic and fear and emotional survival. I'm telling you, if people would practice deep breathing before reacting, this world would be a tremendously better place. So that is step one. Breathe. Step two is access kindness. This is our second step for how to pivot around any obstacle as well. The reason this is important is because

if we go into a disagreement with someone, especially in the moment, without accessing kindness, we won't be kind. We won't listen. We'll get defensive. We'll let the disagreement become a fight. We'll take things more personally. We will not see the other person's point of view. Kindness matters all the time, but especially in disagreements. This particular step is crucial for me personally. because I tend to have opinions about how things should be done and because I'm pretty direct and how I communicate, I can speak more aggressively than I realize if I don't access kindness first. I communicate that the main thing is getting this task right, not that the person, namely my husband, probably, is the main thing and feels loved. And like that's way more important than how something gets done, right?

how he feels, how he's connecting with me, that's more important to me than the dishwasher. So access kindness. Release your desire to be right. Consider that the other person likely has feelings about what's happening just as much as you do. And remember that it's not about winning. The goal is not to get what you want. The goal is to be kind as you work through something. That is a much better life skill to develop.

We'll be right back. isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art. I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. All right. Step three is to name what is different. Remember two episodes ago when we talked about navigating a big life change? One of the steps in that process is to specifically name what is changing.

If you don't name what's changing, you'll just say, I'm moving to a new city without recognizing that what's really changing is that your friends and family are staying behind. That's a lot different. Being specific about what's actually changing helps you navigate that change with more effectiveness and self-compassion. The same is true when you disagree with someone about how something is done. If Kaz is doing laundry and he is folding the towels differently than I do and I think my way is better, if I don't name the specific difference that he is folding the towels in half instead of in thirds, I will make that difference into something bigger. Like, I can't believe he doesn't know how to do

laundry. Or has he not noticed how the tails are supposed to go? Is he dumb or is he just not listening? Like it becomes personal and often very unkind. So instead of letting a situation become that fiery in your head, breathe, access kindness, and then answer in your own head the specifics about what is different. What is the actual difference between you and the other person and how something is done? Answer that for yourself first. Okay, so breathe, access kindness, name what is different, and then step four, name how much that difference matters. Now this step right here, this is the key. How much does it matter that this other person is doing something differently than I am? Now, now that you're calm and you're kindly

naming the actual difference, how much does it really matter? It might matter a lot. And we'll get to that in the next step. But asking this question helps you get to the root of things. Is it really as big of a deal as I'm making it, does this particular difference really matter? It might not. And you can move on. Well done. Like you've just become a more integrated person. Good job. Now, if the difference does matter for whatever reason, you move to step five, which is, kindly communicate what you need, which is also a way of becoming a more integrated person. If the difference matters to you, there's a reason for that. You might do the task the way you do to help offset something else that this other person does not know or see.

It could be practical, like putting halfway clean clothes on a chair so that you'll wear them again instead of doing too much laundry. Or you might even avoid doing a certain task a certain way because it reminds you of someone else who did it that way and thinking about that person, like, it's hard for you emotionally. I mean, this is a pretty personal deep dive, but this is real. let's say that as a kid, you had to wash the dishes while your parent or an older sibling or something dried them. And they talked down to you the whole time. If that happened to you, you might really hate washing dishes.

You'd rather wash everything in the dishwasher, even if it's not supposed to go in there, then have to wash dishes. But if your partner doesn't know that that's why you do that, you just seem unreasonable for not handwashing a pan. and if you don't actively name why you don't like hand washing dishes, but you still carry that important reason within you without sharing it, you're going to be at odds with your partner. I mean, I know that one's like pretty heavy. So just kindly communicate what you need. Now, the reason also does not have to be like super personal or deep.

It can be simple and practical, but impactful to you. So let's go back to the towel example. Let's say I fold the towels in thirds because they fit in the cabinet better than if they're folded in half. And that leaves room for storing extra toilet paper in the bathroom. I think that's a pretty decent reason. We can't store toilet paper in the bathroom if the towels are folded in half. So instead of saying to cause, why do you fold the towels that way? Or like, you know we fold towels and thirds, right? Or have you never noticed that we fold towels and thirds? Are you serious right now? You know? Instead of that, I might say, thanks.

for folding the towels, babe, can I ask you a favor? It's actually hard to fit extra toilet paper in the cabinet if the towels are folded in half. Do you mind folding them in thirds instead? Kindly ask for what you need. Now, step six is to repeat this process as many times as needed, even in the same conversation. And here is what I mean by that. So I just kindly asked cause for what I needed for him to fold the towels in thirds. But let's say he doesn't respond the way I hoped. Let's say he goes, I don't think it matters not much. And then he just keeps folding the towels in half. Here's where we start the process over. I breathe. Otherwise, I'll escalate and I'll get mad because he didn't listen to me. Okay? Then I access kindness. I love my husband. And maybe he's

had a hard day. Or maybe he's not breathing or accessing kindness himself. Like, it doesn't matter why. I'm going to access kindness I have towards him because I do. Okay. Next, I name what is different. Okay, well, the difference has changed. What's different now is that he doesn't see the towel folding with the same importance that I do. And that is making me feel like he's not listening to me.

Okay. Step four. Name how much that difference matters. If the difference is that we're not seeing this towel situation the same way, how much does that matter? If it means I'm going to resent every time I see a towel folded in half or when I have to go get a roll of toilet paper from somewhere else in the house when I'm currently on the toilet, then yeah, probably yeah, that's going to matter. So the difference is that he doesn't see the importance of the difference the way I do. And that matters to me. So next, step five is to kindly ask for what I need.

okay now all of that was like in in one's head right so let's go through this is what the conversation has been so far i said thanks for folding the towels babe can i ask you a favor it's hard to fit extra toilet paper in the cabinet if the towels are folded in half you mind folding them in thirds instead and he says i don't think it matters that much now i might say because i just went through the process again now i might say it actually matters to me though like i've been stuck on the toilet without easy access to toilet paper and I would really love a way to keep some extra in the bathroom. And the towels folded this way, it feels like the best option that I found. Now, I don't know where the conversation goes from here, right? Maybe we swap, like, stuck on the

toilet stories. Maybe we figure out another place to put toilet paper in the bathroom that I hadn't thought of before. Maybe he says, oh, I didn't think about that. Sure, I'll fold them in thirds. But another route is that he dismisses me again. And he says, I'm not folding the towels in thirds stop micromanaging me, which to be honest, I sometimes do that. I tend to micromanage. And now we're not talking about towels anymore, are we? But then we go through those steps again. Okay? A lot of times you're not really talking about towels. You're talking about something else. But if you start with something else, you're going to have a fight. If you start with the towels, you might not. All right. So breathe, access kindness. Name what is different. Name how much that

difference matters, kindly communicate what you need, and then repeat as needed, even in the same conversation. We'll be right back. Now, not everyone you deal with is going to have these steps in front of them, right? They're not going to be breathing or accessing kindness or recognizing the importance of naming precisely what is different, and that's okay. Depending on the relationship, particularly someone you're safe with, you could narrate what is going on. if you get to the end of the first round of steps and you need to go a second round, all while the other person is clearly not trying to access kindness, you can say something like,

I can see you're getting frustrated with me. And I really would love to work this out without us getting mad at each other. I'm trying to breathe and be kind toward you. I want to access kindness towards you. And it would mean a lot if we could do that for each other. Or in, so you're not saying like, be kind to me. you're narrating what is happening within you. Or in the situation where you're trying to pay attention to what's actually different,

you can narrate that too. You might say, you know, I see the difference here is that you were on time for pickup and I was five minutes late. But it sounds like you see that differently than I do. Which gives that person a chance to share that maybe the difference to them is that you're always late, which feels disrespectful every time it happens. You don't have to be fully responsible for everyone's ability to deal with differences on how something is done. It's not up to you to teach everybody in your life this.

But you can also narrate what is happening rather than come across as like bossy or teaching. You're like, these are the five steps or these are the six steps. You know, like you know how to deal with this better than they do. You can just sort of narrate what's happening. I remember when Kaz and I were newly married, we hung up towels differently. so much with the towels. Now the other towel thing was just an example, but this is a legit towel situation. So I grew up folding the towel in half long, like after I used it, folding it in half long ways and then draping that over the towel bar. Okay. Now,

cause grew up differently. He brought in that way, right? When we got married, we each had our way of folding towels. What he does is he drapes the whole towel unfolded completely over the towel. so it takes up the whole towel bar. The folded ones, you can fit two towels on a towel bar, okay? Well, we went through a few weeks being married in our little townhouse where I would fold his towel and then like I would drape it to leave space for mine. You know, like I would fold his towel in half so I could put mine there. And then I would walk into the bathroom later and I'd find that both of our towels were unfolded. One of them draped across the towel bar and then the other one over like the shower curtain rod, which I hate because it looks unclean.

we did that silently and increasingly passive aggressively for a while before we talked about it. So Kaz cares a lot about cleanliness and hygiene and he felt like it was gross to have a towel dry while it was folded in on itself. He doesn't feel like towels get adequately dry that way. And therefore they get kind of like moldy and musty and gross. Now when he shared that with me, when we finally had a conversation about the towels, when he shared that with me, I remember thinking like, oh, that makes sense. That's actually pretty smart. Now, I didn't have the language for this at the time, but I realized that the difference between what we were doing with the towels, it mattered more to him than it mattered to me.

So I just let him have it. Now we use towel hooks. We don't even use bars. But the same principle applies. Our towels are not like folded on top of each other. They're like more open or whatever. But it matters more to him than it does to me. So I let it go. When you are dealing with differences on how something is done, it is so helpful to get to a place where you can adequately figure out what the difference is and then who that difference matters to more. That's really what it comes down to, kindly figuring out when to defer, when to compromise, and when to keep asking for what you need. And it's really important to say here, we're talking about practical things like towels and timing, not emotional availability or general respect for humans. Like you should always be respected and loved by your partner or the people close to you no matter what. That is not this. I'm not asking you to defer on disrespect. But I am asking you to maybe defer on towels.

Maybe you defer on towels. So in summary, here's your process. Breathe. Access kindness. Name what is different. Name how important that difference is. kindly say what you need and repeat as needed. I think this practice improves relationships, helping everyone to feel seen while still getting the thing done in a way that's best for everybody collectively. And that is dealing with differences on how something is done. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week, it is Tracy Bejohn, who wrote this.

My husband and I have lazy genius summer dating. We have a lot more babysitters available in the summer. summer when college is out. So we went ahead and scheduled a sitter every Tuesday. We're in town. My husband already made the dinner reservations each week and I bought a box of frozen corn dogs to serve the kids, which they love and look forward to every Tuesday. Deciding Ones has made our summer date nights a breeze. Listen to this. We can't do weekly date nights during the school year, but we are making the most of the short season while we can't. Tracy, y'all, is this not just the best. I love the batching for starters, you know, scheduling the sitters all at once, the dinner

reservations all at once. And then the corn dog decision, you know, deciding once like corn dogs on Tuesday is amazing. But the thing I love the most is the idea of living in the season. Just because you can't do something like all through the year, like a date night, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. What a beautiful example of this, of living in your season and taking advantage of having what you need when you have babysitters in town. I love it. I just love this so much. So thank you for writing Tracy, and congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. All right, y'all, that's it for today. Thanks so much for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were

living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life? Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A-plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.