The Lazy Genius Podcast - #347 - How to Know What Brings You Joy

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

Over the years of this podcast, we’ve simply been tweaking the order of how we live, starting with who we are today, not who we wish to be in the future. That’s why on this first day of the year, I don’t want to talk about goals and habits and starting a new year. All three of those things are actually quite valuable and a normal part of our lives, and we’ll even talk about some of them over the next few weeks. Today, however, I want to start somewhere else. I want us to start with what brings you joy.   Helpful Companion Links #258: The Seven Kinds of Rest and How to Know Which One You Need Episode 34 of The Next Right Thing Podcast with Emily P. Freeman Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode.   This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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over with new goals and getting things done for that January 1st energy. And if you've been here for even a little while, you also have relaxed around those words, recognizing that optimization and productivity, they are not our primary goals. We want to live our lives well, not just get the most done in the quickest amount of time. We are focusing on being wholehearted people who love well, who seek kindness, who name what matters to us, and who then seek after getting stuff done with all of that in mind. Over the years of this podcast, we've simply been tweaking the order of how we live, starting with who we are today, not necessarily who we wish to be in the future. That's why on this first day of the year, I don't want to talk about goals and habits and starting a new year.

All three of those things are actually quite valuable and a normal part of our lives. We'll even talk about some of them over the next few weeks. Today, however, I want to start somewhere else. I want us to start with what brings you joy. Because joy matters, right? Living a good life isn't about reaching peak optimization or doing a bunch of things, even valuable things that you love. I think here in this space, we want to be people who are alive as ourselves wherever we are, no matter what is happening around us. Our circumstances and to-do lists don't run the show. In fact, there is no show. this isn't a performative life to plan and then robotically manage. There is only this one beautifully messy human life in a beautifully messy human world and we want to live it well in service

to others with great compassion towards ourselves and our people with meaning and purpose and with joy. This is one of those moments where I absolutely sound like Pollyanna with a clipboard and I don't mind because this is still true. So with this posture in mind, let's start the new year, considering what brings us joy and inviting as much of that into our lives as we can. First, let's talk about why this is even an issue. When I say so many, I legit mean so many of you struggle to know what you like, struggle to know what makes you feel like yourself, what brings you joy. I see a handful of reasons why this might be true. So let's lay them out. First, you're just like really busy. you might have so much filling the hours of your day, things that are in the category of work

and responsibility, that you simply do not have time to figure out what you really like and love. That's a legitimate reason. Second, you are so focused on other people that you rarely give any priority to yourself. This is often very true of moms, especially in those early years of parenting when it's like all hands on deck all the time to keep your tiny humans alive. but you're also not doing anything terribly creative or intellectually challenging. You're just taking kids to park after park, grabbing pouches and tissues, trying to get them to go to sleep at relatively regular intervals, all while tending to a home and making food for everybody,

and even perhaps slowly feeling like you're going insane. Honestly, without some effort and planning, it can be really hard to know what brings you joy during that season of life. The third observation I've made about this is that a lot of us go through a life transition or two where our circumstances change, maybe even who we are changes, and we don't accommodate those changes in terms of what we like. We just assume that what worked for us a few years ago, a few transitions ago, is the same now. And when it's not, we feel a little unmoored. I'm sure there are other reasons aside from those three, but those are the three I find to be the

most common. And folks I talk to about this, we're too busy. We're taking care of other people. and or we've gone through so much life, we don't even know what we like anymore. So what's next? How can we know what brings us joy? I have seven very loose steps to walk you down this path. One day you're negotiating with suppliers. The next, you're installing a shelf in the back room.

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All right, let's find what brings you joy. step one. Use the right word for right now. When you think about what brings you joy, you might want to drill down a bit on what you really are looking for. You know how we've talked before about the seven kinds of rest? You know, it's challenging to just say, I need to rest. When there are multiple versions of that and focusing on the version you really need right now is going to lead to a more fulfilling pursuit of rest. I think the same is true when we're talking about what brings us joy. For you right now, what word is actually the thing you're missing, the thing that you need? Is it joy? You know, that deep-seated satisfaction with the moment that

you're in? Is it happiness? That lighter feeling of, you know, genuinely like being so happy and buoyant where you are right now? Is it fun? Are you missing fun? Are you missing delight and laughter and silliness and activity? Is your word contentment? You know, are you hoping? Are you hoping for like a more rooted energy and a sense of ease and contentment no matter your circumstances. Is it wholeness? Are you feeling a little fragmented as a person? And you would really like to be intentional about feeling like yourself to feel whole. Use the right word. And use the right word for right now. Based on where you are right now, in this day, in this week, in this anticipated next short season, wherever you are. What word is at the forefront? Which one feels the most important

to you right now? Now, they all matter. But if you try and intentionally invite all of those words into your life all at the same time, nothing will likely happen. You know, we know this, too much at once. Even good things, it's going to fall to the wayside of your regular life obligations. Remember, lazy geniuses start small. So what word matters most to you right now where you are? if you had to choose one for yourself for the very, very near future, which one is it? That's your first step. Step two is to name your season and then name your stretch. Naming your season is about being realistic about what is going on in this season of life

for you. Are you stretched thin because of a work project, a parenting challenge, or, you know, a leaky roof that will not seem to stay fixed? Are you in a season of transition where you're still? trying to figure out what it means to live day in and day out with this new job or a new kid or a new city or a new rhythm. Are you anticipating a new season that's about to come and you're overwhelmed by the anticipatory stress of all of that? Are you simply in a season of it being January and life is about to pick back up again and you'd like to start the year with a little more intention? Whatever it is,

name your season. Then name your stretch. When I say stretch, I simply mean a stretch of time in front of you where you would like to prioritize this thing, this word that you have just named. How long do you want to focus on fun? That doesn't mean that once the month or whatever time you stretch you pick is over, you know, the fun is over too. It's more about your intention. If you're choosing the right word for right now, how long is your right now? How long do you want to be thoughtful about this word before moving on? So name your season and then name your stretch. All right, step three is a question. When was the last time you felt that way? If you're wanting to feel like yourself more over these next couple of weeks in January, and you are intentionally looking for what does that, look back first.

When was the last time you felt like yourself? When was the last time you really had fun? When was the last time you remember feeling deeply content? When was the last time? Then ask yourself, what was happening? You know, what made you feel that way? It could have been the actual activity or circumstance. It could have been who you were with.

It could also have just been a moment. moment of presence where you simply stopped, noticed what was around you and you felt it in your bones. Just yesterday, I experienced that driving to Target for a pickup at night by myself. I had forgotten that I had placed a target pickup order. So I was kind of rushing over and I was driving through my neighborhood and all of the holiday lights because I'm recording this before January 1st. All of the lights were twinkly in my neighborhood. And I just felt this like deep level of contentment in my bones. I just noticed.

And it was really lovely. So when was the last time you felt whatever way it is that you're hoping to feel again? That's step three. Step four, this is where the rubber meets the road. So based on the right word for right now, based on your season of life and your stretch of time, and based on what you just noticed after remembering the last time you felt that way, what's next? I want you to pick something.

Step four is just to pick something. pick something. Pick one thing that you can do to invite that joy or fun or contentedness or happiness or self-fulfillment, whatever it is into your life. It might be a single choice, a single event, like playing basketball with friends. It might be something with longer legs, like taking an art class that you've always wanted to take, you know, that goes over several weeks. I just want you to pick something. And I want you to especially notice the first thing that comes to mind. I often think that's a great place to start. It's not your only option for all eternity, but I think what pops into your head matters. But you're simply picking something. Now, I do have a few ideas of how to approach this.

Because if you're like, I don't know how to pick something, that's my problem. I have some ideas. The first one is a little weird, but I think it's actually tremendously helpful. I'm kind of obsessed with this idea. I've done it for a long time. If you're having trouble naming what it is you like, I want you to look up a course catalog at your local community college. You don't have to take a The point is not necessarily to take a class. I just want you to flip or scroll through the course catalog. I remember doing this all the time, like a decade ago when I had little kids. I had two under two, you know. It was so fun and weirdly inspiring to notice what stood out to me, what seemed really fun. You know, most of the classes at community colleges, they are geared towards

beginners of things. So just notice what classes make you a little sparkly. Maybe you're drawn to art or writing. Maybe there's a class to learn how to play pickleball and you suddenly realize how much you wish you were already in on the pickleball craze or something active, right? Maybe you're drawn to things where you move your body, where you help others, where you explore an idea you've never had the chance to explore before. Again, the point isn't to take a class. I mean, you totally could, that this is just an exercise, so much so that you could choose any course catalog from anywhere. Simply notice what makes you come alive, especially in light of the right word for right now. Another way to know what you like or to at least explore what you think you might like is to look at

things like your camera roll, you know, things that you notice. Look at your Instagram saves, what you liked enough to want to remember later. Look back at journals or even people that that you've texted over the last few weeks. What words have been floating around that might point you in the direction of something you like. If you have an iPhone, I don't know if this works on an Android, probably, but like, you know how you can search in your text? You can search a word. You could legitimately search the word fun. You know how sometimes we'll be texting people and we're like, that sounds so fun. Search for the word fun. When have you actually said that sounds fun and you do it? That makes me think of Manny Downs. Now I can hear a few of you right now who are locked into the belief that you just don't know.

You have gone so long without having fun or feeling like yourself or experiencing regular joy that it just feels hopeless. You just don't know. First, I'm really genuinely sorry. That's where you are. I also know without question that you do not have to stay there. You do not have to stay in that place. Every single person requires joy, fun, and connection. Like, from a data perspective, every single person is wired differently on how they experience that, but every single person is also wired to exist in that way. You are capable of experiencing this, is what I'm saying. You're made to experience this.

The hopelessness you feel is circumstantial. and has possibly been your narrative for so long, it feels like you just have no other options, but you do. So if you seriously just have no idea what to pick, then just pick something. It doesn't actually matter because you're going to stay where you are if you don't. So pick one thing to try that could bring you one step closer to joy or wholeness or fun. One thing, one time. It doesn't have to be so heavy. If that is you, I highly, highly encourage you to listen to episode 34 of the Next Right Thing podcast with Emily P Freeman.

It's an episode very aptly called Pick What You Like. And she uses a phrase that I now use multiple times in my own life, pick what you like, pick what you like, then see what grows. None of this is wasted. None of it is wasted. And none of it is as high stakes as you might think. if you pick something you think you like but you end up not liking it, no worries. Now you know you don't like that thing and you can pick something else. And when I say pick something, I don't necessarily mean like a hobby to commit to or some huge thing. Pick something like listening to music during a time of day you don't normally, especially if it's a time of day you experience stress. Pick something, pick a type of music you don't normally listen to. See if you like something different.

pick something like a fun nail polish that you notice when you look down that makes you feel a little bit more like yourself pick something like a one-off outing with some family friends where like you all go bowling and you do weird challenges when it's your turn and you eat bad pizza and you laugh you know and then you don't do it again like pick something like spending a couple of hours going to a thrift store that you've always wanted to shop in but you never make the time to just pick something you probably won't find what you're looking for waiting for it to come to you simply pick something. Once you've picked what you like, now we're on to step five, and that's schedule it. If it's one thing, put it on the calendar. If it's a regular thing,

put it on the calendar. If it's something that's more about presence and awareness and an addition to a regular day, you know, like music or a candle or a bird feeder on your office window, which I highly recommend, still schedule starting that thing. Like put a reminder in your calendar to light the candle, to order the bird feeder, to start the music, to take the walk during your lunch break, to call the friend while you're driving home from school drop off. Schedule it. If you don't put that thing in its place, a lazy genus principal, chances are it won't happen. And we really want it to happen. Number six is remember it. I think this is really key, especially if you're in the early stages of learning what brings you joy, what you love to do for fun,

What makes you feel like yourself? If you're still learning these things about yourself in this current season of life, choose a way to remember. I already mentioned Emily P. Freeman, who is so good at this kind of thing, she's currently doing something fun every day and then writing it down in a journal. And by fun, I mean something simple, like her favorite takeout and a new girl rerun during a lunch break or something. Like bringing awareness to this intention is so key.

in maintaining that awareness, but also in figuring out what brings you joy. So here's a practical idea for you. Get one of those blank notebooks lying around your house because this is a group of people that loves pretty paper and make it your place to remember. Right? Every day or every day that this thing happens, write down the thing that brought you joy. Or that was fun or that made you feel like yourself, whatever it is that you're looking for. Be aware of what it is and then write it down.

if you prioritize a specific word for a specific season and then you don't have anything to write down about that word for like days on end, you can now notice how much more intentional you need to be because it's not naturally happening, right? You're missing out on this thing that's of tremendous value to you. So even not writing something down has something to teach you, right? You could also get one of those one line a day journals and use it specifically for things like this, for things that make you feel like yourself for moments that made you happy, made you laugh, brought you joy, like a joy log. Get yourself a joy log. I like the idea of the one line a day journal for this because of being able to see multiple entries on the same day of the year. You know,

you can look at what brought you joy during certain seasons of the year and then replicate those things if you still love them in that same season of the year, but in a different year. But remember it. The point is to remember it. Find the simplest way to remember. what is bringing you joy each day. Take a photo, write a line, keep adding to a voice memo, whatever it is, remember. When you notice and you take the time to remember, it's going to help you know. It's going to help you know. This takes time.

And then finally, step seven, compassionately repeat more than necessary. I was going to say compassionally repeat as necessary. But that's our problem. We often don't make this kind of thing necessary because of the noise of regular life. In order to make this kind of pursuit so natural that you don't even think about it, that you find ways that you experience joy and fun and wholeness and feeling like yourself every day without having to think about it as much as you do, you need to do this way more than you think is necessary.

So compassionately repeat this often. and repeat using the right word for right now. But then maybe you need to shift to the word fun for a season. Because while you feel fairly content and like yourself, you just don't have fun the way that you used to and you want to bring that back into your life again. So you can choose a new right word for right now. Always, always live in your season.

Name where you are. Name a reasonable amount of time in front of you to be intentional about this thing. Don't assume that what you choose today has to be. be your commitment until you die. Start small, both in the choice and for how long you think you might do it, and then compassionately repeat way more than necessary. Just picking something. Just pick something you like and then see how it grows. You will repeat that Emily P Freeman phrase as much as I do once you start saying it. Pick something you like, then see how it grows. It is a wonderful piece of permission to live by. So as you move into 2024,

I invite you to prioritize knowing what brings you joy, find it, explore what you like, continue to seek after feeling more and more like yourself. It is a lifelong process, and you have to start somewhere. But wherever you start, be sure to start small. And that's how to know what brings you joy. All right, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week, it's someone named Amanda, who's last name I don't know, sorry Amanda, but Amanda sent this email in a while back and it plays very beautifully into today's episode. It's a little long, but the setup matters

and is quite lovely. Amanda wrote this. I am off on a three-month maternity leave, short by our Canadian standards, with a toddler and a now seven-week-old. For the past six weeks, I ask myself the same question all throughout the day. If I can only get one thing done,

what do I actually want it to be? Basically, whenever I realize I'm in a stretch of time where I can get something non-baby, non-todler-related done, I really quickly guess how much time I have. Always make sure to underestimate it. So I'm usually taking five to 15 minutes.

And then choose one thing. If I get that done, then I move on to the next one thing. It helps with the part of me that likes to feel like I've accomplished something. But by choosing only one goal at a time, I can usually hit it. And it's amazing how much I can get completed when I'm only doing one thing at a time. Most importantly, though, is how my list of what I actually want to get done has evolved. Y'all, I want you to listen to this. it started off being much more of a chores list necessary but not particularly fun and now it's just as

likely to include things like laying on the couch of the book drinking my coffee in silence staring at the baby or leaving a friend of oxer and because they all get put under my same mental category of daily goals my days are that much more enjoyable i also have what one thing i do want to do this week that i share with my husband during our weekly check-in so that he can get on board with helping me find time for a goal that takes a bit more time or joint effort thanks to that, I was able to recently spend half a day at a Nordic spa, and this week got out on my first postpartum run. I was telling a friend about this whole philosophy, and she responded, wow, sounds like you've been listening to The Lazy Genius. So I thought I should share my successes with you

as they are largely thanks to your book and show. All the best Amanda. Do you notice, you guys, do you notice the small steps in this? The gradual evolution of chores to doing things for yourself, the gradual realization of things that make Amanda happy. I also love her phrase, my days are that much more enjoyable. She's still got two tiny humans at home. Tiny, tiny humans, but prioritizing these small things in the context of a regular to-do list, it matters. It does make our days that much more enjoyable. This is such an excellent real-life example of knowing what brings you joy. So thank you for sharing this with us, Amanda, and congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. Okay, y'all, that's it for today. Thanks so much for listening. And until next time,

be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra. I'll see you next week. If you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life, it's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life? Because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it?

I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.