The Lazy Genius Podcast - #355 What to Do When You’re Bored with Your Life

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

This feeling hits all of us at some point. You’re bored with the meals you eat, the clothes you wear, the stuff in your house, bored with your job, your routine, your partner, all kinds of things. Today, I’m going to offer you a process to help you get past the feeling of being bored with something in your life. Helpful Companion Links Episode #295: How to Start Fresh without Starting Over Episode #337: How to Lazy Genius the Division of Labor Style Thief Fashion Episode #226: How Batching and Bags Can Help You Get Out the Door Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode. This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey there, you are listening to the lazy genius podcast. I am Kendra Adachi, and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 355. What to do when you're bored with your life. This feeling hits all of us at some point, I think. You're bored with the meals you eat, the clothes you wear, the stuff in your house. You're bored with your job, your routine, your partner may be, all kinds of things. adults don't get bored the way kids do.

You know, there's no like, I'm bored. I don't have anything to do when you are a responsible grown up. There's always something to do, always. And even when we have leisure time, we struggle to choose how to spend it. So I just don't think there is ever a time where we have nothing to do. In fact, we would love to be bored in the traditional sense. I would love to be bored. But that's not what we're talking about here.

We are talking about what happens when you're bored with your life. or a specific part of it. So today I'm going to offer you a process to help you get past that feeling of being bored with something in your life. Also, just a heads up. Today is an aggressively windy day here in Greensboro to the point where the wind was shaking my office door a second ago. So usually the loud noises that I hear, you don't hear, but still just a heads up that sometimes the wind sounds like a train today. Holy moly. Okay, let's talk about adult boredom and what to do in your bored with your life. For a lot of us, I think this type of boredom originates with repetition. We eat the same thing, wear the same thing, see the same people, have the same fight,

drive the same route, do the same work, look at the same room. And there is something about that sameness, that repetition that leaves us discontent. Now, repetition itself is actually really great for a lot of us. You know, just because you drink the same type of coffee every day, it doesn't automatically mean that you're bored with it or that you ever will be. Repetition on its own doesn't equal boredom. But repetition paired with some kind of discontentment does. If you are repeating something again and again and it's not satisfying, fulfilling, fun, or any other word that resonates with you, you're likely going to get bored with it. So for adults, repetition plus discontentment probably equals boredom.

Now, what's interesting about this kind of boredom is that it's often stimulating. It makes a lot of us frustrated, possibly even demonstrative. It can lead to big black trash bag energy, you know? We are so tired of being bored with our lives and that boredom activates us. It makes us want to make some kind of big change. or it activates us emotionally, makes us feel really big feelings about our lives. We might even, you know, generalize and catastrophize a little bit, thinking about what could be, about what life would look like if we had a different job, a different family structure,

a different partner, a different body, a different personality. Depending on how compromised we are, especially as women with hormones, ordinary pressures of life, sleep deprivation, how surly our people have been toward us that day, we might spiral here pretty quickly. The other day I was with one of my kids who was in his own state of catastrophizing. And we talked about these kinds of feelings about how they spiral. And I said it was like a twisty slide at the park. Once you push off onto that slide, you know, once you start going down, that twisty slide,

you go faster and faster swirling to the bottom and it's really hard to stop. As we talked, we called some of his sweeping statements about his own life. bottom of the slide words. All of us have bottom of the slide words. All of us have said something that is so broad and encompassing and not truly representative of how we actually feel that because we're already sliding, it's tough to stop. So the work is in noticing when you're having bottom of the slide feelings or saying bottom of the slide words. Sometimes our boredom with our lives feels bigger than it is. and naming that that discrepancy between what is and how we feel about it is the first step in finding contentment again.

It's not that you're bored with your entire life. It might be that you feel like you've lost yourself a little in the stage of life that you're in. And you see that every time you look in the mirror at what you're wearing or something, you know, or you've been making the same seven dinners over and over again. And rather than naming that you're bored with dinner, you hit the bottom. bottom of the slide and you are so frustrated that your family is so picky that you can't cook and eat the way that you want and you slide deep into resentment of your family. Or maybe you're frustrated with the repetition of those seven meals that you put in place because like your boss is

demanding. But you start to spiral down that slide. You don't have time to cook a real dinner because you're so frustrated at your job and you find yourself so discontent that you start looking for new jobs, looking for job openings in other places while you're, you know, eating one of your seven dinners again. It happens fast. So all that to say, adult boredom, it can activate us, right? Our discontentment compels us to make some kind of change, often a big one. Or we feel big feelings that can spiral into a general discontentment with our whole life. Now, for other people, adult boredom can control. shut you down. Being annoyed with the repetitive nature of certain parts of your life, it makes you

feel like Eeyore. You know, you're just kind of ho-hum about it. And it slows you down. You think there's nothing about your life that stimulates you. So you match the pace of how you live with the pace of how you feel about how you live. You know, this is just how it is. Like in your best E.R voice. So it's not stimulating. It's actually a little depressing. I don't mean clinical depression, but general depression. You feel heavy and slow in a way that doesn't match how you want to feel about your life. And it's hard to find joy in it. Now, all this might seem a little heavy.

And because I care about you, I really hope this isn't your consistent story. I hope that this comes in waves rather than being in the water that you always swim in, you know, that this is the way it always is. But I bring it up because, number one, it's common. And number two, the pace of our lives does. does not often leave space for us to think about our lives. We go and go and go. And if we're feeling discontent or bored with certain parts of our lives, we just assume the whole thing is bad. We're bored of everything. We're discontent with everything. Even though it might be just one thing,

that boredom or discontentment or frustration, it bleeds into other areas simply because the way we live, does it naturally have space for us to consider what's really going on? That's why I love two of our 13 lazy genius principles, schedule rest and let people in. When we take time to rest, we see things more clearly. And when we let people in to how we're feeling, we feel seen and encouraged and no longer alone. And that's positive, right? that's a positive upswing.

It even changes our brain chemistry. Connection with people changes our brain chemistry to see our lives differently. It's pretty wild. So all that to say, adult boredom, when it hits, could hit you pretty hard. Knowing that a lot of us experience that all or nothing energy in our lives, that is helpful in and of itself. We can recognize, oh, these are bottom of the slide words. what's really going on here?

I swung real far, real fast. And then you can consider what specifically you need, right? You can be better equipped to find a real practical, small change that can successfully move you past the boredom, that brings some contentment back to how things are. Or maybe even give you an idea of how things might be able to change in a direction that matters to you, but not in those big sweeping steps in that big black trash bag energy. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to walk through a little exercise here to help you when you're bored with your life,

whether it's a specific part or the whole ding dang thing. RBC Training Ground has discovered potential in over 20,000 Canadian athletes and county. Your story could be next. If you've got the drive, they'll help you find your path to the Olympics. Let's see what you've got. Sign up for free at rBC training ground.ca. Welcome aboard via rail. Please sit and enjoy.

Please sit and stretch. Steep. Flip. Or that and enjoy. Via rail, love the way. Aw, isn't something we need to travel for. It's something waiting for us in everyday life, whether in a city street or a moment with a work of art.

I'm Dr. Keltner, host of the Science of Happiness podcast. Join me for Cities of Aw, a special series on how our public spaces can spark awe, wonder, and enhance the quality of public life. You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Okay, the first step, name it.

Name it. Complete the sentence. I am bored with blank. Name what you're bored with. And you can say, I'm bored with my whole life. Like, that's fair if that's how you're feeling. Now, is it accurate? Probably not, but we'll get to that. But answer that question. I am bored with blank. I'm bored with what we eat. I'm bored with my clothes. I'm bored in the city. I'm bored with

my job. I'm bored with myself. First, name it. I'm bored with blank. Second, check it. Check in as to why you're feeling this way. Did you feel this way last week? Will you feel this way next week? Is it your hormones? Did something happen at work to set you off? Is there a lurking expectation that you're feeling from someone else that you don't know how you're going to meet? And it's kind of festering in you? Is there a lurking expectation you had within yourself that you didn't know was there? And now you're disappointed. You thought something would happen and then it didn't. And that kind of caused this discontentment, this slide to start happening, right? Is it that your kid just had a meltdown and yelled at you and now you're disregulated, that happens to me. Check it.

Check that boredom. Check that discontentment that you're feeling against what's going on right now. There is a chance it'll pass or lesson or become clearer after a little bit. So name it, then check it. Next, if in the checking, you're still like, yeah, I'm still bored with this thing. And I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. Then snap it, like with your fingers. Name it, check it, then snap it. I want you to do that by completing the sentence. If I could snap my fingers, blank what happened. If I could snap my fingers, blank would happen. Flip the script on your current situation. Change it up however you want. You could be ridiculous even. If I could snap my fingers, I would have a personal chef. If I could snap my fingers, my husband would happily do way more in the

house and it currently does. If I could snap my fingers, my kids would eat whatever I make without complaining. If I could snap my fingers, I'd have a new job in a new city. If I could snap my fingers, I would live in a different home that actually reflects my style. If I could snap my fingers, I would know my style. Name it, check it, snap it. You're kind of flipping the coin to the other side to see what your life would look like if you could snap your fingers and make this boredom automatically better. Now, why are we doing this. You might think that doing that will make you more discontent. And I can understand that argument. Now, hopefully it won't, or at least not for very long. The point of snapping, the point of snap it is to help you identify what's really going on. By naming a solution, even one that is

completely out of your reach in a way that you describe, you might be naming at least the category of the solution. This is especially true if you do feel bored with your whole life. If you start out by naming, I'm bored with my whole life, and then you snap it and say, if I could snap my fingers, I'd live in a different place. You can ask yourself why. What is it about a different place? Is it that you need a change of scenery? Is it because a new place means you would leave some broken, hurtful relationships behind?

Is it because you've lived where you've lived forever and you're just itching for a change? Again, the checking step, the second step, before this, it helps rationalize some of these things already and put them in context of what's going on in your reality. But snapping it helps you see a wide path you might want to walk down. You can't get a personal chef probably. But at least you know that something in the meal prep decision-making cooking area is what would make this sense of boredom ease a little. Okay?

So name it, check it, snap it. Don't you love these names? I do. Next, soften it. soften it. First, be kind to yourself. If you snapped it and you said something that you would be embarrassed to say to another person, like if I could snap my fingers, I'd be married to someone else. Be kind to yourself. This is a thought exercise. And sometimes we feel big feelings about our lives. If you're bored with your whole life because you're disconnected from your partner,

of course that your snap it would be if I could snap my fingers, I'd have a different partner. So soften, soften it by being kind to yourself and whatever comes out. You can also soften it by naming your season of life. It's like you're rounding the edges of this whole thing. The soften it step rounds the edges. Is this a season thing? Do I need to soften my expectations because of the season I'm in? Is this a resources thing?

You know? Am I wishing for more time, more? energy, more help, more money. Allow these answers to soften your reality or more specific even your perspective about your reality. You know, it helps you live in your season. When you snap it, you likely are going to see a stark difference to what you're experiencing now, which is kind of the point, but then soften it by making it more connected to your reality, to your actual life. Soften it by naming the season you're in, the ways that you wish you had more help, the fact that you're in paramedopause and you are not sleeping because of it and that's impacting everything.

Soften the snap a little by kindly naming where you are today. And then name it again. Okay. So we named it. Name what you're bored with. Check it. Check that against what's happening in and around you right now. Snap it.

Snap your fingers and let that stark difference help you identify what really might be going on. Soften it. Access some kindness towards yourself, your people, your season, your reason, your resources, your reality, and then name it again. Use all that information to name what you're really bored with, what you're really discontent about, what specifically you would like to change. That process helps you really get down to what's going on to make it smaller. Then we get to be practical. Then you get to ask yourself, okay, what do I need? What do I need here? What am I missing? and get more specific than that by asking,

how can I start small here with what I need? Nothing happens in big sweeps. Very few of us have the ability to literally quit our jobs and move to a different place and start over, right? That's why we have episodes like, how to start fresh when you can't start over. Starting over is not doable for most of us. So instead of resenting that

and continuing to be bored and discontent with your life, let's name it, check it, snap it, soften it. name it again, and then ask, what do I need? What do I need here? What do I need to start small here? You can move forward in improving this area of your life. Softening it doesn't mean ignoring it or just powering through it. You can make changes in areas that matter to you. But as we all know, you cannot do it all at once. And you cannot do it on the big scale of I am bored with my whole life. You have to start small. So what do you need in order to do that? Okay, so let's walk through this process twice using two different examples.

The first I already mentioned, it might be a little heavy, but I think it's also super relevant to a lot of you listening. The second one is much lighter, okay? I already mentioned that one of the things that might come from your snap is naming, embarrassingly naming maybe, that you want a different partner. That's a hard thing to say. What if the thing that you're bored with is enormous like that, right? What if it's so huge and even hurtful? That's a lot, right? But boredom in committed relationships

is often part of the deal. I've known very few marriages or long-term partnerships that have gone as long as they have without some season of boredom with each other, with disconnection, with discontentment. That's a normal part of relationship. So let's go through this process assuming that's the issue. And you could sub in any issue you want, but let's assume one of these is really big. Okay? So we're going to start with name it. I'm bored with my marriage. Okay. All right. Now check it. You might say, yes, I do feel more intense about this today because I saw another couple do something fun and it made me realize how bored I am with my marriage. And I might feel differently about that tomorrow or next week, but I feel this often enough that I know

I want something to change. This is not just, you know, one drop in the bucket. Okay. Next, snap it. If I could snap my fingers, you might say, honestly, I would have a different partner. Okay. Next, let's soften it. Let's soften the edges of that. Kindly, right? Maybe you might say, you know, I don't, I don't want a different person. I don't want to be married to a different human. I just want my partner to be different. in this area. I just want him to help me more, to carry more of the load, to acknowledge the load that I do carry. Okay. You hear how that's softer. All right. Next, name it again. Right? Name it. Check it. Snap it. Soften it. Name it again. You might say, I'm bored with my marriage because I feel like my partner doesn't see me, doesn't see how much I do, or how fun I am.

or that I'm sad about our marriage. Okay. From there, what do you need? You might answer, I need the courage to tell him. Or I need time to myself on a regular basis. Or I need regular daily acknowledgement and gratitude for the role that I play in this family. Or I need my partner to initiate conversation or activities or connection that aren't related to the kids or the house or responsibilities or whatever.

do you see how this is becoming something that's actually doable? Okay. And then finally, how can you start small and moving in this direction? You might say, I can listen to Kendra's episode on how to lazy genius, the division of labor. Look at that. You could say, I can talk to my therapist about this in my next session. I can talk to my partner who's actually really understanding, just a little clueless,

and I'm going to invite that conversation this weekend when neither of us has to gear up for a busy weekday the next day. So I want you to look at this. Do you see how we went from a frustrated, activated, I'm bored with my marriage, to I'm going to talk to Dan Friday night and let him know that I'm feeling sad recently that I just don't feel very seen. Doesn't that feel better? Now, is it easier? Not always. Not always. Sometimes it feels easier to stay bored, to stay discontent. to stay resentful even than to risk disappointment and trying to make it better. I get that. I get that.

In this hypothetical specifically, I think it comes down to choosing if you would rather resent your husband or your partner or be disappointed by that first conversation. Like the resentment isn't going to go anywhere. Without some kind of actual change, you'll probably just stay resentful. But a conversation or more accurately a series of them because this is part of partnership, a conversation might be disappointing and that your partner doesn't get it right away, but it also might start to help them get it. You know, you and Dan might start taking small steps together over the literal life of your whole relationship to becoming more equal

partners in the management of your life, but also closer friends in the fun that you have in life. Now, for me, that tradeoff is a no-brainer. I would have. much rather risk being disappointed that things don't happen right away, then stay resentful. And knowing the energy and the heart of this community, I think that you're probably the same. Now, that's a heavier example, again, probably fairly relevant to some of you, at least in certain seasons, but it's good to walk the process. Now let's do the process with something a little lighter, maybe, okay? First up, name it. I'm bored with my clothes. Let's say you're bored with your clothes, okay? I feel boredom statements have like a timber to them. You know, you're like,

I'm barred with my gloves. If you say something like that, maybe you should walk through this process. Okay, so your borders are, I'm bored with my clothes. Check it. Check it. Am I PMSing. Hmm. And I'm super bloated and cranky and therefore everything I put on feels like a trash bag. Okay. Maybe it is. Or maybe not. Maybe. you're legit bored with your clothes and you have been for a long time for any number of reasons. Okay. All right. Next, snap it.

If I could snap my fingers, I would have an entirely new wardrobe, kind of like that old whatnot to wear show where they'd get five grand and they'd get all new clothes and two days, you know? Or if I could snap my fingers, I would know what I like. If I could snap my fingers, I would never have to shop again. If I could snap my fingers, I would like how I look every time I get dressed. Do you see how all these snaps indicate a different problem? If you would snap your fingers and have a new wardrobe,

maybe you've been wearing the same clothes for over a decade and you need a refresh. Your body has changed. Your style has changed. Your taste has changed. Your clothes have changed because they're old. Like they literally don't look the way that they look when you bought them. And frankly, that's just one snap. That's four, you know, that's four things coming out of just one snap.

Okay. Next step, soften it. I know I want all new clothes. Okay. But my resources won't let me do that. But it's normal and okay for me to want to enjoy what I wear and want it to reflect who I am. You know, you might say to yourself, I can care about how I present myself to the world. And I can also do that without replacing everything I own.

You're softening it. It's kind of like our process of how to pivot around any obstacle. You know, it's first thing is you take a deep breath. And the second thing is to access some softness. Softening your stance against your discontentment and your boredom. It's a really important step. It just helps you take an emotional deep breath and helps you see things for what they really are. Okay.

Now, name it again. Now that you've gone through this, let's name it again. I'm bored because I haven't gotten myself anything new that I really, and truly love in a really long time. Okay. We can do something with that. All right. So the next question is, what do I need? I need a new item, a new piece of clothing that adds some pizzazz for this upcoming season I'm in. Okay. So we have entered spring here in North Carolina. So maybe for you, if this is a process that you might walk through, maybe it's like getting a fun new dress or a cute pair bright sunglasses that make any outfit feel more put together or a pair of shoes that does the same

thing, you know, it's like, I need one new thing to add some fun to what I already have. Now, you also might say, I need to get rid of some clothes, though, that don't fit my body or my style anymore. Now, obviously, that's within reason, you know, because you still need things to wear. I think we all fall into that trap where we get rid of everything and then we're like, oh no, I didn't get anything new yet. And now I don't have anything to wear. So like, do within reason. But like if you literally cannot wear it, remove it from your closet. So you can see what you do love. Or you can at least, you know, tolerate it more than you do your other stuff. And then finally, after you name what you need, ask yourself, what can you do to start small

with what you need, you know? You can clean out one drawer. You can go to a shoe store and browse to see what pairs of shoes make you feel excited. You know, you can talk to an expert. You can hire Aaron Stoll from stealthy fashion to meet with you for one session to help you name some things about your style and what you can do next. So in this example,

we went from, I'm so bored with my clothes, to I'm going to stop by the shoe store after work and see what kinds of shoes catch my eye and get me excited. Not even to buy it yet, just to see what I like. What a difference, right? What a difference.

This process really does work. Name it, check it, snap it, soften it, and then name it again. Now that you really know what's going on, name what you need and a small way that you can start. I know that the words are like a little, you know, it feels like a bop it. Did any of you think that when you're listing? You know, is it like bop it, pull it. It's a little bit like that. but really, really, that catchy just might make it stick.

So once again, name it, check it, snap it, soften it, and then name it again. Then from there, ask yourself what you need in a way that you can start small to get it. And that's what to do when you're bored with your life. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the last. lazy genius of the week. This week it's Kim Doucette, who shared the idea of her car bag. I really love this. Kim writes this. I have a designated car bag in the mornings before we head out. I put everything in there that we would need to bring in the car and give my kids the heads up that whatever they want to have for the car rides today needs to get in the green bag before we leave. Kim has young kids,

like tiny kids. We're in the car a lot because we have one car. So we drive my husband, to work and back 30 minutes each way plus whatever activities we have. This has totally solved the whole running inside for the third time super fast because someone realized they wanted their pop it, but oh crap, we're so late problem, as well as the using our car as a storage unit problem. I collect everything in the car into the bag at the end of the day and then everything comes inside to be used or put away properly. This is a great idea, Kim. Kim also posted a photo of the bag that she uses in the Lazy Genius Facebook group. It's one of those like wide rectangular bags with a frame. Like it's almost like a storage bin, but more flexible and with handles. I love the idea of using

bags to get out the door. Episode 226 is all about that. So I love the specificity of this. It uses a couple of lazy genius principles. Number one, put everything in its place since everything for the car goes in the car bag and then build the right routines since taking the bag in and out of the car every time is built into the routine of leaving the house. And then it also uses Ask the Magic Question. What can I do now to make being in the car with my kids easier later? You have everything you need in the car bag. It's really great, Kim. So thank you for sharing this idea. And congratulations on being the lazy genius of the week. One more quick thing. If you listen to this episode on either Monday, March 4th or Tuesday, March 5th, and you're not already on our mailing

list. This month's latest Lazy Letter, the monthly newsletter, it goes out on Wednesday, March 6, and it has some really exciting news in it. The newsletter people always get to hear fun things first, and this month's fun thing is a very cool one. So if you're not already subscribed, go to the lazy genius collective.com slash join and sign up so you will get that email on Wednesday morning. This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi, and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fisher, and Angela Kinsey. The Lazy Genius podcast is enthusiastically part of the Office Ladies Network. Special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly production.

Thanks y'all for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next week. Have you ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that more dangerous than a dangerous than a. a B minus or a C plus life, because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it. You think it's good enough. Is it?

I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.