The Lazy Genius Podcast - #372 - 10 Things I Wish I’d Known In My 20s

Episode Date: July 1, 2024

As often happens when we go through life, we learn things along the way. And sometimes we learn things that we so desperately wish we had learned earlier. Does that negate their value now? No. Is learning part of the process? Of course. But I think we can learn a lot about ourselves now by acknowledging what we have already learned. Since it’s middle of summer energy, this felt like a great time to share ten things I wish I’d known in my 20s. Let’s jump right in.   Helpful Companion Links Pre-order my new book The PLAN or ask your library to consider carrying a copy once it releases in October. The Stand by Stephen King IT by Stephen King 11/22/63 by Stephen King Duma Key by Stephen King The Life Council: 10 Friends Every Woman Needs by Laura Tremaine Sign up for the Latest Lazy Listens email. Grab a copy of my book The Lazy Genius Kitchen or The Lazy Genius Way! (Affiliate links) Download a transcript of this episode. This podcast is hosted by Kendra Adachi and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi there, you're listening to the lazy genius podcast. I'm Kendra Adachi and I'm here to help you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. Today is episode 372. 10 things I wish I'd known in my 20s. I am currently 42 and a half-ish. So I'm a decent distance from my 20s. And as often happens when we go through life, we learn things along the way. And sometimes we learn things that we so desperately wish we had learned earlier. Does that their value now? No. Is learning part of the process? Of course. But this is a kind of reflection that I find really interesting. I think we can learn a lot about ourselves by acknowledging what we have already learned. So this is good like middle of the summer energy. So it felt like a great time to to take this, you know, little little detour to share 10 things that I wish I had known in my 20s. So let's jump right in. Number one, when it comes to adulting, There is rarely a right way. The list of adulting tasks is impossibly long. And when I was in my 20s, I honestly thought that my job was to find the right way to do all of them. I read all the

magazines so I could copy all the systems because there wasn't much of an internet in the beginning of my 20s. I tried to follow the right cleaning schedule, give the right types of gifts and tips to various service professionals. I didn't even really know that you were supposed to do that. I thought we should have a certain amount of money in savings and invest in this particular way and prepare for the future the way that that one book said to. The list of how to adult is enormously long and the answers are just beyond plentiful. But I really thought that being an adult was trying to solve a puzzle or crack a code. Like this is the way this is done. And once you discover it, you're good. And that's just not how it is. I honestly did not know that in my 20s.

And while I know it now, and you might too, the idea of the right way, it still trips us up sometimes, you know, we're looking for the right way for everything. And really and truly, when it comes to adulting and much of life, there is rarely a right way. Praise be that that is true. Number two, no one knows what they're doing. No one does. No one does. It's not that everyone is pretending all the time. But being an adult is really about making decisions that we think are best for us right now, even though we don't always know if that decision is actually best for us, you know? Therefore, we don't really know what we're doing. Maybe over time after a series of decisions and a growing confidence in our ability to make those decisions, we can feel stronger

about how we're living and what we're doing. We're more confident. We grow to know a little bit more than we used to. But ultimately, anyone who is supremely confident in the way they do things and tries to get you to do that same thing is likely not a voice you want to give much credence to. I think we want to leave room for multiple ways of doing life and have humility about that. We want to show kindness and compassion to ourselves and to others when life does not go according to plan. Even though you'll likely grow more confident over time as I have now in my early 40s, it's still a really beautiful thing to admit that you don't know what you're doing, that you're being as wise as you can in the season that you're in.

Okay, number three, sunscreen is your most important skincare product. Put on sunscreen pals. So I have middle school boys and am sometimes around their peers. and I am loosely aware of like the current middle school, even younger than that, sort of skincare trend right now. Young kids are spending money on pretty expensive skincare products. Ironically, for skin that doesn't really have any issues yet. But hey, like People Magazine and Doc Martins were all the rage when I was in middle

school and I wanted both desperately. It didn't matter if I needed them or not. So I am not knocking the desire to hang with the trends or for people loving skincare. I love skincare products. But whether you're in sixth grade or 60 years old, if you wear skincare products that either cost a lot of money or they take any time to put on and you're not always wearing sunscreen, you might as well not buy or use any of those things.

The sun is the biggest culprit in all of your skin concerns, even when you're inside, like buy windows. So sunscreen is your best defense against those issues. I wore sunscreen all the time in the summer because I burn like butter in a hot skillet. But I never wore sunscreen on my face in other seasons of the year because I was, I was embarrassed about being pale. And I totally wish I had not, number one, been embarrassed, but that I had worn sunscreen

on my face. Regardless, I know it now and I wear it now multiple times a day. And I'm so glad. Also, it's okay to be pale, you guys. Like, being tan is overrated. Or, no, that's not true. If you are tan, you are not overrated. If you work really hard to tan because you think you should be tan, that is what I was overrated.

All right. Number four, dopamine hits from laughing and playing with friends are better than dopamine hits from shopping and the internet. When I was in my 20s, the internet was starting to make its magic. What do you mean I can buy a shirt for my computer? What do you mean? I can see what all these people are doing all day. What do you mean people are going to comment on what I'm doing and they're going to say nice

things about the color shirt I'm wearing. What do you mean I can go to this store called Target and get all these cute clothes at one time? That was in my very, very late 20s. We haven't had a target in Greensboro for more than like 12 years or so. But like I remember getting the target. Now there is nothing wrong with shopping in the internet, obviously. Both are necessary and both are fun. But I think for a long time when I was younger, I found myself escaping in other forms of fulfillment forms that were not connected to other people as much. I was also a person who didn't have a lot of fun. Like I was tightly wound that laughing loud or playing games that I was bad at or anything playful. It felt it felt threatening to me or embarrassing or like even dangerous sometimes

because what if someone didn't want to be my friend anymore after I did this thing? Like poor, sweet young Kendra. The struggle for me is real because the dopamine hits, they need dopamine hits now since the internet is always there, right? Our dopamine hits have grown, grown arms. But as I have gotten older, I see more and more how I really crave and love moments with people when we're playing, laughing, just being together as humans face to face. Relationships have become more and more valuable, the older I get. And they fill a need that I try to fill in other ways, ways that still are in front of me, the internet and shopping, I try to fill those for a long time, that need for a long time with those two things. And it's just not,

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You can find us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Okay, number five, learning to pivot is better than learning to plan. We know this one, right? Now, now I do. But oh my gosh, holy moly, you guys, in my 20s, I never pivoted. Or if I was forced to, I resented it to my core. We all have multiple areas where we make plans, where we have expectations, where we assume something is going to happen this way because we organized it to do that. But plans work so. rarely. And without kindly accepting that need to pivot, we just get wonky and mean and in our own heads. I'm going to read you a story real quick. It's a story that's in my first book, The Lazy Genius way. And even though I don't think I use the word pivot in this story, it is a story about a 20-something Kendra planning something and pivoting 0%. This is also a story that people still mention to me sometimes after they read the book because it's a doozy. Okay, here's the story. My first job out of college was at the church where I spent my high school years and where a few

months earlier I had gotten married. Many of my coworkers had known me since before I could drive a car, and now I was a grown up with a husband and a job description. I was eager to prove I belonged. Once a month, we had a morning staff meeting, and coworkers would take turns providing breakfast for everyone. Many months had the usual fare of grocery store muffins and fruit salad, and I remember thinking, I can do better than this. I eventually signed up for breakfast duty, not out of kindness, but because I wanted my breakfast to be the gold standard. Yes, I cringe with humiliation as I publicly share such hubris, but as a self-righteous perfectionist, I was obsessed with keeping score, avoiding failure, and being impressive. Comparison and judgment were par for the course.

Most folks paired up to provide the meal, but no ma'am, not me. I was, I was. I was, was going to do this entire shindig on my own. I figured weak, unimpressive people ask for help. Outwardly confident inwardly crumbling people go solo. Obviously, perfection was my standard and not for the food alone. Despite the fact that my husband and I had zero dollars, I splurged on a couple of platters from pottery barn so that the food I served would look beautiful. I bought a linen tablecloth. The plastic ones at church would make my new platters look bad. I purchased one of those glass drink dispensers you see in Southern Living because perfection doesn't serve beverages from plastic pitchers. Fresh flowers, fancy napkins, you get the idea. For the menu, I thought back to a few weeks earlier

when we had breakfast at a friend's house and the entire group was in a stupor over his stuffed French toast, gooey, golden, and a definite contender for best breakfast ever. It was the perfect choice. But here's the kicker. I didn't know how to make a stuffed French toast. I knew how to cook a decent spaghetti sauce and was in the early stages of a near perfect chocolate chip cookie. But my culinary skills weren't exactly versatile. Maybe if I had followed a recipe, things would have worked out differently. Alas, at the time, I thought recipes were also for the week. So I set out to make not one but two types of stuffed French toast for 30 people

without a single instruction. In case you don't know how stuffed French toast is made, let me quickly explain. You essentially make a sandwich using a rich buttery bread like brioche and slather the middle with something yummy like cheese, jam, or Nutella. Then you dip that sandwich into a custard base made with egg, sugar, and whole milk, and you cook it in hot butter until the bread is crunchy and golden. Finally, you drizzle it with syrup or powdered sugar and you cram it in your mouth with a fork or a shovel. It's heavenly. Here's what I did. For stuffed French toast, number one, I put American cheese between slices of wonder bread and sauce. So,

stacked the sandwiches high on a baking sheet, as in literally on top of one another. Recipe complete. For stuffed French toast number two, I made cream cheese and raspberry jelly sandwiches with that same magical wonder bread and stacked those high as well. Then I put the pan in the oven to bake. There was not an egg or stick of butter in sight. I essentially warmed up weird sandwiches and thought I was Martha. Stewart. When I pulled them out, I noticed they looked a little different from my friends, but maybe

that's a good thing because they were better. I cut them into triangles and put them on my fancy platters, lipstick on an overly confident pig. An hour later, I die, thinking back to how gross they must have gotten by then. The staff meeting started. I sat in the back of the room and drew zero attention to myself, not out of embarrassment, but because I didn't want my fellow staff members to know that I wanted them to know I was responsible for this culinary masterpiece. I sat at a table, watching my friends and coworkers line up for breakfast, humbly waiting for the praise to pour in. I don't need to tell you that it did not. Breakfast was disgusting. I mean really and truly disgusting. I could sense not only the disappointment in the room, but also the awkward game of social hot potato.

As people tried to thank the mystery cook for a breakfast, they would later need to supplement. with granola bars. Maybe I was dramatic to almost quit my job over this fiasco, but that response mostly checks out. I was humiliated. I had tried to be impressive to show everyone I could do it all, set a perfect table, make a perfect meal, and receive compliments with perfect humility.

Instead, I probably gave somebody food poisoning. I cared too much about the wrong things. In case you're wondering, this is definitely not how to think like a lazy genius. End scene. Okay, again, no mention of the word pivot in that story, but that is an encapsulation of how I was in my 20s, especially the first half. So obsessed with being impressive and getting it right, not asking for help and definitely not being flexible when things don't go according to plan. In my mind then, plans were definitely past fail. And in this one,

I failed epically. Learning to pivot is so much more important than learning to plan. First, remember that plans are just intentions and they're not pass fail. But when those plans don't work and you're bummed about it, practice pivoting. Be kind. Ask for help. Let people in. Be cool about it. Stay calm and kind so you can actually come up with a helpful solution. It is a wonderful skill to have when I decidedly did not have in my 20s. I'm so thankful I eventually found my way. Wait for it. The lazy genius way. I'm so hilarious. Okay. So that was number five. Number six, Stephen King is not always scary. I definitely wish I had known this in my 20s because I could have been reading Stephen King for so many years. If you're new here, I recently became a Stephen King fan.

Last summer, I decided to finally give one of his books a try and I listened to the stand on audio. highly recommend it as a first listen. It is quite long, but it's, it's not horror. It's not horror at all. It's about a pandemic, actually. And I think we're far enough away maybe that we can handle it. It was great. I immediately listened after that to both 1122.63 and it in subsequent months. Now, it is horror. So tried lightly on that one. Now, it took me months because those three audiobooks combined equal over 120 hours for three books. They're very long. Anyway, I have since read several more Stephen King books. I'm currently listening to Dumackey right now. Some of his books are scary. Some are not. But even the scary ones are not what I expected. Stephen King is a masterful

storyteller, masterful. And he is top three of my favorite authors, like forever. It's him, Neil Gaiman and Wendell Berry. I would really love to host that dinner party. That would be so great. But considering how much joy Stephen King novels have brought me in my 40s, man, I wish I had known he wasn't what I thought he was when I was in my 20s. Okay, number seven, you are allowed to change your mind, see the previous point about Stephen King. I always thought that I hated scary things, right?

And maybe I never really did. Or more accurately, maybe I changed. change my mind. You're allowed to do that. You're allowed to like something and then not or not like something and then not be able to stop talking about it. You're allowed to think that this particular choice will work for your home. And when it doesn't, you pivot and try something else. You're allowed to say that this thing matters this season. But then as you get further into the season, you realize, you know what? Something else matters more. You are allowed to change your mind. In my 20s, I did not think that was a thing. I thought I had to make a choice and then stick

with it until I die. No, my dear friends. No, no, no, no, no. Number eight, relationships don't have to be deep to matter. I got lucky in my early 20s and I made a couple of super close couple friends out of the gate. Then I met Emily P. Freeman, who has been one of my favorite and closest humans on the planet for almost 18 years. I've also made several other friends in the last eight years or so who I would do anything for. I have been really fortunate in how my life has crossed and aligned with the lives of some other super rad people. This is a weird take on this particular lesson, but because I had such close friendships in my 20s, I expected that every friendship needed to be that way, even in my 40s. I think intuitively, I knew it was okay to not be as close with everyone you.

know, but I still struggled to understand my friendships if they weren't best friends you do anything for. Wasn't everyone just on the path to being that kind of friend for me? And if they weren't, what was the point? No, that is not true. That's why I loved Laura Tremaine's book, The Life Council, 10 friends every woman needs. It's not a prescriptive book in the sense that you need to check off all 10 of these kinds of friendships in order for it to all count. But she talks about how different relationships fill different needs and how beautiful and necessary and meaningful that is. Relationships don't have to be deep to matter. One particular friend type she describes in the book is the daily duty friend.

This is the person you might see in the yard taking care of her tiny humans like you are yours. Or maybe it's a parent you see at school pick up every day. Maybe it's someone you work with who is doing the same daily things that you're doing. I have several friends who are daily duty friends. moms I see at school pickup, where we take each other's kids to school or get a kid after school if the mom is running late or any number of things. I don't know a lot about the lives of these women, but we like each other and they're my friends. They don't have to be

deep friends to matter in friendship. You know, that lesson works both ways. If you're someone who loves a deep relationship and has some, just remember not every friendship has to look like that in order to count. And if you're someone who doesn't have a deep friendship that you might really long for right now, the friendships you do have that aren't as deep still count. They still serve a purpose. They still matter. If you want to read more about that, the book again is called the Life Council by Laura Tremaine. Okay, number nine, treat your body like she's a home you love. You had gravy women in their bodies. It's a whole thing, right? When I was in my 20s, I had an eating disorder and it was not great. I was praised for looking cute because I got super thin.

And thin for the longest time was the only way to be. Thankfully, we are moving away from that. I'm so glad. But 20 years ago, that was the only path to being pretty. And pretty was basically one of the main sources of value for a woman. I treated my body so poorly in my 20s. I measured her and restricted her and judged her. It's kind of upsetting to think back on it. I have since grown a lot in this area. I have so much more kindness towards my body than I ever have. And I'm also in my 40s in perimenopause where my body's starting to do things I don't love. She is so cranky all the time now. What is this madness? So I love a good metaphor. They give my brain something to hold on to and help me make sense of something complicated. So my relationship with my body has historically been very

complicated. So the metaphor I wish that I had known in my 20s was that I need to treat my body like she's a home I love. We are comfortable in a home we love. We tend to a home we love. We might go through some hard seasons where we're renovating certain parts of a home that we love and it feels weird and frustrating and we can't quite see the end. We typically don't tend to and definitely don't renovate an entire home we love all at once, right? That's a choice. that makes us feel a little crazy. But when I think about my body as though it's a home I love, which in many ways, that's exactly what it is. It allows me to be gentle and intentional with my care. I can tend. I can even seek to improve when a certain space isn't working for my season of life

in the way that I would like. My joints are an excellent example. I have glass knees, basically, and I've always avoided exercise that would help my joints improve because exercise, is so tightly connected to diet culture and restriction and changing my body's shape, which is something that was my full preoccupation in my 20s. But if I see movement as a way to tend to this space in my home, to this room in my home that's not working so well anymore, my sweet knees, this space or room that I want to work better, and I want to exist more naturally in my overall heart,

home. It makes sense for me to do that. It's not strange to tend to and improve and be patient with a home you love. You kindly live there. You make it work for the season that you are in. You invest in it because you love living there and it matters. I wish I had known that about my body in my 20s, but I'm glad I know it now. And then finally, number 10, I wish I knew that Daniel Radcliffe gets super hot. All of the Harry Potter movies were out by like 2011. That was when I was 30. I started reading Harry Potter in my late 20s and inhale the movies like right alongside

them. It was just a very big Harry Potter season for me. And if you had told me that little Danny would turn into the haughty that he is now, I would never would have believed you. Daniel Radcliffe is currently on my Mount Crushmore, mostly because he is kind and interesting in addition to being hot, but good gracious. He got super hot. 20-something-year-old Kendra had no idea.

Would have waited her. And those are the 10 things I wish I had known in my 20s. Okay, before we go, let's celebrate the lazy genius of the week. This week, it is Kristen Lunsford. Kristen writes, my husband and I just completed the eighth house move of our 20-year marriage. Good golly. while we're hanging, no, while pulling the hanging stuff off the walls for the umpteenth time, I was reminded of something genius I've been doing since about move number three that coincidentally

aligns with my favorite LG principle number three. Ask the magic question. What is something I can do now while packing to make rehanging artwork in the new house easier later? I tape whatever hardware, the frame, mirror, or whatever was hanging onto the back of it. when we get to the new house and my brain and all our spaces look like the bottom of a toaster. That's a solid analogy. I don't have to waste time and energy remembering what I used to hang something or searching for nails and hooks among the chaos. The moment I know where I want to hang something up, I find the hardware on the back and loud out on Audible. Thank you to my past self for being so smart.

It brings me all the joy and makes the nesting phase of moving so much easier. Oh man, do I love this. This is something we all wish we had known in our time. 20s or are glad we know as we are in them. It's tiny things like this that make all the difference in staying integrated and yourself during hard circumstances. Moves are stressful. And being able to hang art you love without stress, it allows for calm to exist in other places too. When we stay calm through one stressor, it leaves us the margin and teaches us the practice of staying calm through the next thing. I love this. So thank you for sharing Kristen and congratulations on

being the lazy genius of the week. This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi, and executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fisher and Angela Kinsey. The lazy genius podcast is enthusiastically part of the Office Ladies Network. Special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly production. Thanks y'all for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra and I'll see you next week. You ever felt like you were living just a B or B plus life? It's so dangerous to live that. More dangerous than a B minus or a C plus life because when you're living a B or B plus life, you don't change it.

You think it's good enough. Is it? I'm Susie Welch. I host a podcast called Becoming You. People think, okay, an A plus life is not available to me, but there is a way. We are all in the process of becoming ourselves. Listen to Becoming You wherever you get your podcasts.